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MINNIE's Photo MINNIE Posts: 15,260
10/19/09 12:24 A

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www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/chocola
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keep your EYE ON THE BALL. what is the goal?will this action get you closer?

zip ya' lip (please see pic)

“Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right." – Henry Ford

slowly but surely.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.

face your stuff. don't stuff your face.

be so busy improving yourself that you have no time to find fault with o


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MINNIE's Photo MINNIE Posts: 15,260
8/21/09 12:27 A

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thanks. more?

keep your EYE ON THE BALL. what is the goal?will this action get you closer?

zip ya' lip (please see pic)

“Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right." – Henry Ford

slowly but surely.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.

face your stuff. don't stuff your face.

be so busy improving yourself that you have no time to find fault with o


 current weight: 142.0 
 
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136.5
133.25
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FITKAT2010's Photo FITKAT2010 Posts: 19,681
6/16/09 8:24 P

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Joke for 6/17/09:

How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?

* That depends on whether it has health insurance.
* None. They just tell it to take two aspirin and come round to the surgery later.
* None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortuary.
* None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo diazapines.
* Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.
* Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and
one to bill it all to Medicare.





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LIVEN2BPINK's Photo LIVEN2BPINK Posts: 4,156
6/16/09 6:31 A

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Thanks for sharing all of these!!! PERFECT!!!

Deb

In giving we receive...so give to yourself.


Be the Pursuer of Your Own Happiness

There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. Yet that will be the beginning."


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FITKAT2010's Photo FITKAT2010 Posts: 19,681
6/15/09 10:03 P

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Joke for 6/16/09:

Top 10 Things Only Women Understand
10. Cats' facial expressions.

9. The need for the same style of shoe in different colors.

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.

7. Fat clothes.

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your last time.

5. The difference between beige, off-white and eggshell.

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.

3. Romantic stuff like mushy cards and flowers.

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

And the number one thing only women understand:

1. Other women!!!





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FITKAT2010's Photo FITKAT2010 Posts: 19,681
6/14/09 8:04 P

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Joke for 6/15/09:

Letters between son and dad
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on

The Reply:
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Dad






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FITKAT2010's Photo FITKAT2010 Posts: 19,681
6/13/09 8:46 P

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Joke for 6/14/09:

Thanks for the Soda, Pop!
Before I took the old family car to college, my father loaded the trunk with soft-drink bottles filled with oil, coolant and transmission fluid. Sure enough, my car overheated. Scolding myself for not listening to my father's instructions, I looked at the engine and saw how well he knew me. The oil cap was labeled Dr Pepper, the transmission stick, Coke, and the empty coolant container, Diet Pepsi. I finished the trip safely.





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FITKAT2010's Photo FITKAT2010 Posts: 19,681
6/12/09 10:15 P

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Joke of the day for 6/13/09:

Fathers then & now
Today is one of the first Father's Days of our new millennium. Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:

In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.

Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.


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In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.

Today, it's the size of his minivan.


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In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.

Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.


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In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.

Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.


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In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.

Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.


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In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.

Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.


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In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia.

Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.


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In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.

If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.


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In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."

Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."


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In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.

Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."


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In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.

Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.."


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In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.

Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted Sega!"


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In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.

Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.


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In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool.

Today, he'll get a digital organizer.


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In 1900, fathers said, "A man's home is his castle."

Today, they say, "Welcome to the money pit."


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In 1900, "a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the horses.

Today, "a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO.


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In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.

Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's.


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In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.

Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools.


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In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.

Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."


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In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suiters with shotguns if the girl came home late.

Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that earring?"


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In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick building.

Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle.


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In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.

In 2001, fathers are never truly appreciated.






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FITKAT2010's Photo FITKAT2010 Posts: 19,681
6/11/09 7:07 P

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Joke of the day for 6/12/09:

A farmer named Clyde had an accident with a big truck. In court, the
trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde ..
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident,
'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what
happened.. I had just loaded my favorite mule,
Bessie..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer
interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not
say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the
trailer and I was driving down the road......"
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am
trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the
accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene
that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident
he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in
Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd
like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule,
Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded.

Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my
favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the
highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop
sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I
knew she was in terrible shape just by her
groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He
could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to
her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he
took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand,
looked at me and said, "How are you feeling?"
"Now - what the Heck would you say?"




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FITKAT2010's Photo FITKAT2010 Posts: 19,681
6/10/09 8:51 P

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JOKE OF THE DAY FOR 6/11/09:

5 Minute Management Course - Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and a manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says,"I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says,"I want those two back in the office after lunch!"

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.






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FITKAT2010's Photo FITKAT2010 Posts: 19,681
6/9/09 9:29 P

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JOKE OF THE DAY FOR 6/10/09:

**5 MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE**** Lesson 2

A priest offered a nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest removed his hand, but changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun siged heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

MORAL OF THE STORY:

If you are not well-informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.







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FITKAT2010's Photo FITKAT2010 Posts: 19,681
6/8/09 7:35 P

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JOKE OF THE DAY FOR 6/9/09:

5 Minute Management Course Part 1 of 6:
Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel".

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 cash and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor", she replies.

"Great", the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

MORAL OF THE STORY:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a postion to prevent avoidable exposure.





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FITKAT2010's Photo FITKAT2010 Posts: 19,681
6/7/09 8:31 P

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Joke for 6/8/09:


Paint the Porch

A blonde by the name of Julie was getting pretty desperate for money. So she decided to go to the richer part of town and try to get a job as a handy woman. She rang the doorbell at the first house she came to, and a man answered the door. She asked if there were any odd jobs she could do, and he replied, "Well, actually, we need the porch painted-how much do you want?" Julie said she felt $50 was fair. He replied, "OK, the ladder, paint, and other tools you need are in the garage." When the man closed the door, his wife, who had overheard the conversation asked him, "$50?!? Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She must have, she was standing right on it." About 45 minutes later, the doorbell rings again, and the man is surprised to find Julie there. She tells him that she's done, and states that she even had enough paint to do two coats. As the man is reaching into his wallet to pay her, Julie says, "Oh, and by the way, that isn't a Porch it's a Ferrari."







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