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5/9/09 10:36 P

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Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says
"Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!



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ISLANDGRL1's Photo ISLANDGRL1 Posts: 274
5/4/09 9:48 A

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Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year,
And every year Buddy would say,
'Edna,I'd like to ride in that helicopter'
Edna always replied,
'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,
And fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said,
'Edna, I'm 85 years old.
If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'
To this, Edna replied,
"Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.
I'm impressed!'
Buddy replied,
'Well, to tell you the truth,
I almost said something when Edna fell out,
But you know,

"Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'

Never play leap-frog with a unicorn!

Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections


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4/14/09 9:22 A

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Mad Cowboy !

One day, a cowboy rode into a Wild, Wild West town. The people in the town love to play jokes on visitors. After tying his horse to the pole outside a bar, the cowboy went in. "A cup of milk please." he said to the bartender. After drinking, he went out, only to find his horse missing. Knowing that the villagers did it, he went back into the bar and said to everybody," I am going to have another drink and when I finish it, I want to see my horse outside! Or else, I will have to do what I did in Texas - HERE!" The people were very frightened. When he finished his drink, he went outside and saw his horse. The villagers had put it back. Curious, the bartender asked the cowboy,” What did you do in Texas?"
The Cowboy replied," Well, I had to walk home


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4/13/09 7:09 A

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A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery," he answered.

"What did he say," asked the nurse.

"Oops!"

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4/12/09 1:13 P

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The amazing flying dog
Panda A woman is out looking for a pet, and so she's trying the local pet shops. She walks into a small pet shop and explains her need to the attendant. He thinks for a moment and then says, "I've got just the thing for you madam. I'll just get him."

With that, he disappears into the back of the shop, and returns a few seconds later with a cute little puppy. "This dog is a special dog," he tells her. "It is able to fly," he explains, and with that throws the dog into the air. It immediately begins to float gracefully around the shop.

"There is one problem with him, however. Whenever you say 'my', he'll eat whatever you've mentioned. Watch. "My apple!" The lady watches in astonishment as the dog zooms over to the shop attendant and furiously devours an apple he has produced from his pocket.

"He's cute, and so unusual. I'll take him," she says, and a few minutes later she is on her way back home with dog to show her husband.

"Darling, look what a clever pet I bought today!" she exclaims when she gets back home. "He can fly!"

The husband peers at the dog, and then remarks, "Fly eh? Ha! My foot!"


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4/11/09 9:30 A

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Cup of Tea

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups
of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here
I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a mother would know...) 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?


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4/9/09 7:08 A

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One man to his friend, what an automated society we live in.
Have you ever noticed that when a traffic light turns green, it automatically
activates the horn of the car behind you?”



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4/8/09 8:52 A

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Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, and then lock it back up. Afterwards, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.
One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captain’s quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, and opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper; two lines with two words each:
Port Left
Starboard Right


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KPIKE1's Photo KPIKE1 Posts: 6,665
4/7/09 5:48 A

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emoticon

Kim



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4/7/09 12:43 A

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Nurse: Good morning Mr. Smith, you seem to be coughing much more easily this morning.
Mr. Smith: That’s because I’ve been practicing all night.



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4/6/09 10:56 A

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After gunning his BMW the wrong way down a one-way street, the rather intoxicated young man was asked where he thought he was going by a curious police officer.
“I’m not really sure,” confessed the drunk, “but wherever it is, I must be late, because everybody seems to be coming back already.”

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KPIKE1's Photo KPIKE1 Posts: 6,665
4/6/09 5:36 A

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cute one, thanks for sharing.

Kim



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4/6/09 12:23 A

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An elderly couple is getting ready for bed. She says Oh I am just so hungry for ice cream and there isn't any in the house." He says, “I’ll go get some." She says, "Vanilla with chocolate sauce, with whipped cream on top and a cherry." She adds, "Please write it down, I know you'll forget." He says, “I won't forget; Vanilla with chocolate sauce, whipped cream, and a cherry."
Away he goes. Hours later he comes back and hands her a paper bag. "In it is a "HAM SANDWICH". She says,” I told you to write it down! You forgot the mustard."



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KPIKE1's Photo KPIKE1 Posts: 6,665
2/28/09 1:46 P

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Great joke, thanks for making me laugh!!!!

Kim



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ISLANDGRL1's Photo ISLANDGRL1 Posts: 274
2/28/09 12:09 P

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haha good one!!

Never play leap-frog with a unicorn!

Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections


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2/27/09 10:17 P

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Happy Butt
It was this little girl's first day of school, and the teacher asked her what her name was. She replied, 'Happy Butt ..' The teacher said, 'Honey I don't think that's your name. You need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out. ' So she went to the principal's office and he asked, 'What's your name?' And the little girl said, 'Happy Butt.' The principal called the girl's mother to get this straightened out once and for all. After getting off the phone, he looked at the little girl and said, 'Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt.' Grinning from ear to ear, the girl then exclaimed, 'Glad A$$, Happy Butt, what's the difference?!'

Trust God, believe in yourself, and keep looking forward. You can't change the past. You are always special.

Linda Kay


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2/24/09 3:03 A

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Wherever you go, no matter what the weather, always bring your own sushine.

Anthony J. D'Angelo emoticon

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2/23/09 2:34 P

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emoticon Good One ISLANDGRL !!!

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KPIKE1's Photo KPIKE1 Posts: 6,665
2/23/09 11:56 A

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Very cute and yes I did laugh, thank you for making me laugh today.

Kim



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ISLANDGRL1's Photo ISLANDGRL1 Posts: 274
2/23/09 9:29 A

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An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

'Yes, Nurse ,' said Mr. Wallace.

'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

(You've gotta love this ....)

'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'


IF YOU ARE NOT LAUGHING SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU


Never play leap-frog with a unicorn!

Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections


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KPIKE1's Photo KPIKE1 Posts: 6,665
2/13/09 6:22 P

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emoticon emoticon very cute, thanks for the laugh. I needed it after this week!!!

Kim



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2/13/09 8:36 A

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emoticon

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ISLANDGRL1's Photo ISLANDGRL1 Posts: 274
2/13/09 8:00 A

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A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basic items.
'How much do you weigh?' she asks.

'115,' she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out
Her weight is 140.

The nurse asks, 'Your height?'
'5 foot 8,' she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5'.


She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is
Very high.
'Of course it's high!' she screams,
'When I came in here
I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!'


Never play leap-frog with a unicorn!

Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections


Ellen
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KPIKE1's Photo KPIKE1 Posts: 6,665
12/31/08 6:30 P

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cute, love to laugh at these jokes.

Kim



Grandmas Are special

WALK AWAY the POUNDS for ABS

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12/31/08 8:59 A

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THAT WAS TOO FUNNY!!! GREAT SENSE OF HUMOR THAT PRIEST HAS!!! emoticon

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BEINLAZ's Photo BEINLAZ Posts: 1,819
12/29/08 9:58 P

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The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest,
said, 'You had a good idea to replace the first four
pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like
a charm. The front of the church always fills first
now.'
The young priest nodded, and the old priest
continued, 'And you told me adding a little more
beat to the music would bring young people back
to church, so I supported you when you brought in
that rock 'n roll gospel choir. Now our services
are consistently packed to the balcony.'
'Thank you, Father,' answered the young priest. 'I
am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of
youth.'

'All of these ideas have been well and good,' said
the elderly priest, 'But I'm afraid you've gone too
far with the drive-thru confessional.'
'But Father,' protested the young priest, 'my
confessions and the donations have nearly doubled
since I began that!'

'Yes,' replied the elderly priest, 'and I appreciate
that.... But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or
Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof.'


Ethel

Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, but faith looks up! Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly and trust in our Creator who loves us.
When Satan reminds you of your past, remind him of his future.


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KPIKE1's Photo KPIKE1 Posts: 6,665
12/24/08 5:43 A

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Never tried making cookies like that, very interesting.

Kim



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12/23/08 1:33 P

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Sounds like a great way to make cookies!!! LOL emoticon

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KPIKE1's Photo KPIKE1 Posts: 6,665
12/23/08 7:04 A

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really cute, thanks.

Kim



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ROZOZ68's Photo ROZOZ68 Posts: 5,553
12/23/08 4:47 A

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Love it!!!!!!


Rozie in Brisbane, QLD Australia


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BEINLAZ's Photo BEINLAZ Posts: 1,819
12/22/08 11:47 A

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HEE HEE!!!!


Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies:

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup or brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the
Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one
Level Cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer.. Beat one cup of butter in a large
fluffy bowl.

Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to
Make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup...just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off the floor...

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry it loose with a
drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves a sheet. Check
the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and
make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.

Cherry Mistmas


Ethel

Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, but faith looks up! Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly and trust in our Creator who loves us.
When Satan reminds you of your past, remind him of his future.


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KPIKE1's Photo KPIKE1 Posts: 6,665
12/22/08 6:53 A

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Keep them coming ladies, love to laugh in the morning.

Kim



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12/21/08 8:26 A

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The good ol' apron!!! Great Story Ethel!!! Thanks for sharing that with us!!

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KPIKE1's Photo KPIKE1 Posts: 6,665
12/20/08 8:13 P

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Very nice Ethel, thanks

Kim



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BEINLAZ's Photo BEINLAZ Posts: 1,819
12/20/08 1:15 P

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I thought this was great!

The History of APRONS





I don't think our kids know what an apron is.

The principal use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath, because she only had a few, it was easier to wash aprons than dresses and they used less material, but along with that, it served as a potholder for removing hot pans from the oven.

It was wonderful for drying children's tears, and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears.

From the chicken coop, the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks, and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven.

When company came, those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids.
And when the weather was cold, grandma wrapped it around her arms.

Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow, bent over the hot wood stove.

Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron.

From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables. After the peas had been shelled, it carried out the hulls.

In the fall, the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees.

When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds.

When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved her apron, and the men knew it was time to come in from the fields to dinner.

It will be a long time before someone invents something that will; replace that 'old-time apron' that served so many purposes.

Send this to those who would know, and love, the story about Grandma's aprons. Or it can be a good history lesson for those tha t have no idea how the apron played a part in our lives.


REMEMBER:

Grandma used to set her hot baked apple pies on the window sill to cool. Her granddaughters set theirs on the window sill to thaw.

They would go crazy now trying to figure out how many germs were on that apron.
I don't think I ever caught anything from an apron.
But Love !!


Ethel

Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, but faith looks up! Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly and trust in our Creator who loves us.
When Satan reminds you of your past, remind him of his future.


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KPIKE1's Photo KPIKE1 Posts: 6,665
12/19/08 6:47 P

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Very beautiful poem, thank you.

Kim



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Very touching ISLANDGRL...we should spend more time enjoying our loved ones while they are still with us. Thanks for sharing that!!!

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What a wonderful poem. Brought tears to my eyes!!!
I hope many of us read it!

Ethel

Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, but faith looks up! Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly and trust in our Creator who loves us.
When Satan reminds you of your past, remind him of his future.


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ISLANDGRL1's Photo ISLANDGRL1 Posts: 274
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this one was too nice not to share:



A Cup of Christmas Tea





The log was in the fireplace,
all spiced and set to burn.
At last the yearly Christmas race
was in the clubhouse turn.
The cards were in the mail,
all the gifts beneath the tree.
And 30 days reprieve till VISA
could catch up with me.


Though smug satisfaction
seemed the order of the day,
Something still was nagging me
and would not go away.

A week before, I got a letter
from my old great Aunt.
It read: Of course I'll understand
completely if you can't,
But if you find you have some time
how wonderful if we
Could have a little chat and share
a cup of Christmas tea.

She'd had a mild stroke that year
which crippled her left side.
Though house bound now,
my folks had said
it hadn't hurt her pride.
They said: She'd love to see you.
What a nice thing it would be
For you to go and maybe have
a cup of Christmas tea.

But boy! I didn't want to go.
Oh, what a bitter pill,
To see an old relation and
how far she'd gone downhill.
I remembered her as vigorous,
as funny and as bright.
I remembered Christmas Eves when
she regaled us half the night.

I didn't want to risk all that.
I didn't want the pain.
I didn't need to be depressed.
I didn't need the strain.

And what about my brother?
Why not him? She's his aunt, too!
I thought I had it justified,
but then before I knew,
The reasons not to go I so
painstakingly had built
Were cracking wide and crumbling
in an acid rain of guilt.


I put on boots and gloves and cap,
shame stinging every pore.
And armed with squeegee,
sand and map,
I went out my front door.
I drove in from the suburbs
to the older part of town.
The pastels of the newer homes
gave way to gray and brown.

I had that disembodied feeling
as the car pulled up and stopped
Beside the wooden house
that held the Christmas cup.
How I got up to her door
I really couldn't tell...
I watched my hand rise up and press
the button of the bell.

I waited, aided by my nervous
rocking to and fro.
And just as I was thinking
I should turn around and go,
I heard the rattle of the china
in the hutch against the wall.
The triple beat of two feet
and a crutch came down the hall.

The clicking of the door latch
and the sliding of the bolt,
And a little swollen struggle
popped it open with a jolt.
She stood there pale and tiny,
looking fragile as an egg.
I forced myself from staring
at the brace that held her leg.

And though her thick bifocals
seemed to crack and spread her eyes,
Their milky and refracted depths
lit up with young surprise.
Come in! Come in!
She laughed the words.
She took me by the hand.
And all my fears dissolved away
as if by her command.


We went inside and then before
I knew how to react
Before my eyes and ears and nose
was Christmas past, alive, intact!

The scent of candied oranges,
of cinnamon and pine,
The antique wooden soldiers
in their military line,
The porcelain Nativity
I'd always loved so much,
The Dresden and the crystal
I'd been told I mustn't touch.

My spirit fairly bolted
like a child out of class
And danced among the ornaments
of calico and glass.
Like magic I was six again,
deep in a Christmas spell.
Steeped in the million memories
That the boy inside knew well.

And here among old Christmas cards
so lovingly displayed,
A special place of honor
for the ones we kids had made.
And there, beside her rocking chair,
the center of it all,
My great Aunt stood and said how nice
it was I'd come to call.

I sat and rattled on about
the weather and the flu.
She listened very patiently
then smiled and said, "What's new?"
Thoughts and words began to flow.
I started making sense.
I lost the phony breeziness
I use when I get tense.

She was still passionately interested
in everything I did.
She was positive. Encouraging.
Like when I was a kid.
Simple generalities
still sent her into fits.
She demanded the specifics.
The particulars. The bits.

We talked about the limitations
that she'd had to face.
She spoke with utter candor
and with humor and good grace.
Then defying the reality
of crutch and straightened knee,
On wings of hospitality
she flew to brew the tea.


I sat alone with feelings that
I hadn't felt in years.
I looked around at Christmas
through a thick hot blur of tears.
And the candles and the holly
she'd arranged on every shelf,
The impossibly good cookies
she still somehow baked herself.

But these rich and tactile memories
became quite pale and thin,
When measured by the Christmas
my great Aunt kept deep within.
Her body halved and nearly spent,
but my great Aunt was whole.
I saw a Christmas miracle,
the triumph of a soul.

The triple beat of two feet and a
crutch came down the hall,
The rattle of the china
in the hutch against the wall.
She poured two cups. She smiled and then she handed one to me.
And then we settled back and had
a cup of Christmas tea.




Never play leap-frog with a unicorn!

Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections


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KPIKE1's Photo KPIKE1 Posts: 6,665
12/17/08 9:34 P

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Very cute, loved it. Keep them coming.

Kim



Grandmas Are special

WALK AWAY the POUNDS for ABS

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12/9/08 11:09 P

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Very Cute Indeed!!! A little bit of a growner as well!! emoticon

Marj.

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BEINLAZ's Photo BEINLAZ Posts: 1,819
12/9/08 9:15 P

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Now that was a cute one! Merry Christmas to you too!

Ethel

Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, but faith looks up! Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly and trust in our Creator who loves us.
When Satan reminds you of your past, remind him of his future.


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ISLANDGRL1's Photo ISLANDGRL1 Posts: 274
12/9/08 8:13 P

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With the holidays upon us I had to share this one :)


It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.

Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!



Never play leap-frog with a unicorn!

Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections


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12/8/08 2:32 A

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YOU GALS SURE KNOW HOW TO KEEP US ENTERTAINED!! LOL

Marj.

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BEINLAZ's Photo BEINLAZ Posts: 1,819
12/7/08 3:21 P

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A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two
drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,


'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink.
In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would
like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two
drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy
you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with
two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why
the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how
to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'





'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs
and make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you
on your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy
and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going braless
pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action'
means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' m eans you find your car
in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up
to use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure these are jokes?



Ethel

Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, but faith looks up! Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly and trust in our Creator who loves us.
When Satan reminds you of your past, remind him of his future.


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KPIKE1's Photo KPIKE1 Posts: 6,665
12/6/08 10:41 A

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Very cute Islandgirl. I love the jokes and quotes on this thread even tho I don't have any of my own. Keep them coming.

Kim



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WALK AWAY the POUNDS for ABS

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ISLANDGRL1's Photo ISLANDGRL1 Posts: 274
12/6/08 9:01 A

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this was so nice I wanted to share hope the link works.

http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.as
p?code=2650116229




Never play leap-frog with a unicorn!

Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections


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12/5/08 1:14 P

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OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES....THAT WAS VERY GOOD ISLANDGRL!!! emoticon

Marj.

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ISLANDGRL1's Photo ISLANDGRL1 Posts: 274
12/4/08 2:52 P

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WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a lady!

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why20we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'

They don't say, 'Hurry up.'

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if w e ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.


A 6 -YEAR-OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER, WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.''

GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!

It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.



Never play leap-frog with a unicorn!

Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections


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12/3/08 10:25 A

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GOOD ONE ISLANDGRL...great chuckle for the day!! I don't know about that Santa though!!??? emoticon

Marj.

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KPIKE1's Photo KPIKE1 Posts: 6,665
12/2/08 6:35 A

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Just read some of the jokes on this page, I love to start my day laughing. Nice job everyone, keep them coming.

Kim



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WALK AWAY the POUNDS for ABS

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ISLANDGRL1's Photo ISLANDGRL1 Posts: 274
12/1/08 8:49 P

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THE SEASON, MIGHT AS WELL GET STARTED EARLY.






Dear Santa,
Please send me a baby brother.




Santa wrote back:'Send me your mother...'




Never play leap-frog with a unicorn!

Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections


Ellen
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11/27/08 5:34 P

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Rozie that was a very good one. Watch how you type and send your emails for sure!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon

Marj.

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11/27/08 1:42 P

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THIS IS TOOO FUNNY .. BUT COULD BE REAL ONE DAY
A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!!!!

A Minnesota couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with
his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel.
There was a computer in his room, So he decided to send an email to his wife.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address , and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following
a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen, which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005
I know you're surprised to hear from me.
They have computers here now and you're allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. - Sure is freaking hot down here!________



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ROZOZ68's Photo ROZOZ68 Posts: 5,553
11/27/08 1:38 P

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I love these Ellen and Marj!!


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11/27/08 10:07 A

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It's all sooo true ISLANDGRL....!!!


FORGETTER BE FORGOTTEN!!!

My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke.
To you that may seem funny
But, to me that is no joke.

For when I'm 'here' I'm wondering
If I really should be 'there'
And when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,
Say 'what am I here for?'
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is generally me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say 'Hi' and have a chat
Then when the person walks away
I ask myself, 'who the heck was that?'

Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
and that isn't any joke.


Edited by: HOME-BODY at: 11/27/2008 (10:14)
Marj.

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ISLANDGRL1's Photo ISLANDGRL1 Posts: 274
11/27/08 7:27 A

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THE OLDER CROWD



A distraught senior citizen
phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know,
'that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?'

'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied,
'I 'm wondering, then,
just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.'

***********************

An older gentleman was
on the operating table
awaiting surgery
and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon,
perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia,
he asked to speak to his son.
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '

'Don't be nervous, son;
do your best
and just remember,
if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me,
your mother
is going to come and
live with you and your wife....'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aging:

Eventually you will reach a point
when you stop lying about your age
and start bragging about it.

---------------------------------

The older we get,
the fewer things
seem worth waiting in line for.

---------------------------------
Some people
try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know 'why'
I look this way.

I've traveled a long way
and some of the roads weren't paved.

Never play leap-frog with a unicorn!

Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections


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ROZOZ68's Photo ROZOZ68 Posts: 5,553
11/27/08 5:38 A

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Hehehehehe!!! LOL!!!


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NO SPEAK ENGLISH....

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store....





What were you thinking????
Helloooooo, her husband speaks English!!
Now get back to work.

I don't know about you grandmas sometimes!!! LOL

Edited by: HOME-BODY at: 11/26/2008 (07:17)
Marj.

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11/25/08 9:18 P

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emoticon emoticon VERY FUNNY Rozie!! I like his strategy!!! Smart Man!!! emoticon

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Sometimes ya gota do what ya gata do!!! Good one.

Ethel

Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, but faith looks up! Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly and trust in our Creator who loves us.
When Satan reminds you of your past, remind him of his future.


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11/25/08 2:16 P

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A Christmas Divorce

An elderly man in Perth calls his son in Sydney and says,
'I hate to ruin your Christmas, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting divorced; 35 years of misery is enough.'

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the old man says.
'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in England and tell her,' and he hangs up.

In a panic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

'Like heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.'

She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man,
'You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there.

I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there on Friday.

Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.

The old man hangs up and turns to his wife.

'Okay,' he says, 'they're coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.'



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11/23/08 2:23 P

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Good ones Ethel! Hehehehe!


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EXCELLENT JOKES ETHEL!!!! I will have to do me some digging to find some jokes to add to this collection!!

Marj.

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11/22/08 9:43 P

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no offence to you lovely ladies from the wonderful south!!!

Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos
for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under
the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked.


'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up
the trail,' the successful hunter replied. 'You left Henry laying
out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.
'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one is going
to steal Henry.'

Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his
pick-up
into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, 'Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch?
Don't you see that sign right over your head'.
'Yep', he replied. 'That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says:
'Fine For Dumping Garbage'.


Louisiana

A senior at LSU was overheard saying... '
When the end of the world comes,
I hope to be right here in Louisiana .' When asked why,
he replied, 'Because everything happens in Louisiana
20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.'


Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store
and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody
just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'
Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?'
The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got his license number.'


Georgia

A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked,
'Got any I. D. ?'
The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'


North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of
the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the
car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A
passerby studied the scene as
he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He
asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'
The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'
The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to put flares
in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither.'


Tennessee

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so
he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called
her into his office and said, You graduated from the University of
Tennessee and I need
some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would
you take off?'
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.


South Carolina
'You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard
of anyone wanting to retire to the North.'

Edited by: BEINLAZ at: 11/22/2008 (21:44)
Ethel

Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, but faith looks up! Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly and trust in our Creator who loves us.
When Satan reminds you of your past, remind him of his future.


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11/20/08 9:30 A

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THAT WAS WAAAAAAY TOO FUNNY!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Marj.

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11/19/08 10:20 P

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Hilarious!! What a hoot!


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No offense to Blonds, but I had to share this, I know some people like this.. LOL


One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast.
Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick.

She told my sister that she needed something from the store.
When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey.
She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing.
When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, 'Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!'

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.
It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!


YEP...............SHE'S BLONDE!


Never play leap-frog with a unicorn!

Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections


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11/18/08 5:09 P

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emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon Good ones!


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GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER:

1. Sag, you're it.

2. Hide and go pee.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

5. Musical recliners.

6. Simon says something incoherent.

7. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN:

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

2. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.

3. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

4. An all nighter means not getting up to pee!



Hope these put a smile on your face!!! Keep smiling and having fun!!!

Marj.

Leader:
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Leader:
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Leader:
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WE CAN DO IT!!!!




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WAY TO FUNNY ROZIE!!! I DIDN'T EXPECT THAT KIND OF AN ENDING....POOR GUY emoticon emoticon emoticon

Marj.

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11/16/08 8:06 P

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A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, perfect timing.
You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank
Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died. I married his #!@% widow.'



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11/14/08 9:33 A

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POWER OUTAGE


POWER OUTAGE DURING A MAMMOGRAM!!!!

I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her to one side and crooned, " All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on the gown.

"Everything clear?"

I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."

Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"

My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off! "Oh, maintence is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda headed for the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy..the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."

Before I could shout "NOOOOOO!" she disappeared.

And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible "Uh, yes, yes I did thanks."

"You bet, take care" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am soooo sorry!" The power came back on and I totallly forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps.....


What us women don't have to go through!!!!

Marj.

Leader:
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Leader:
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Leader:
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11/12/08 1:26 A

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YOU GRANDMAS HAVE DEFINATELY NOT LOST YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR!!!! emoticon GREAT JOKES!!!

This I can definately relate too!!! LOL

INTERNET WITHDRAWAL !!!!

1. Dial 911 IMMEDIATELY.

2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past 2 years.

3. You mean there's something else to do?

4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote.

5. Work.

6. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family.

7. Get that kidney transplant you've been putting off.

8. See if your eyes can still focus to distances further than 3 feet.

9. Get ass groove in chair fixed at store.

10. Tylenol....Tylenol! Where the heck is the Tylenol!

11. Do shopping with clothes on.

12. Check you mail box every 15 mintues.


Do you have any of these symptoms????

Marj.

Leader:
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Leader:
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Leader:
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11/7/08 4:53 P

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Tee-Hee!!!

Ethel

Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, but faith looks up! Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly and trust in our Creator who loves us.
When Satan reminds you of your past, remind him of his future.


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11/7/08 3:39 P

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Here's a cute joke from Reader's Digest (Oct issue):
During a lesson, my driving instructor commented that he was seeing spots before his eyes.
"That could be serious", I said. "For years, my father complained of seeing spots before being diagnosed with a detached retina. You really should see a doctor immediately."
"Or," replied the instructor, "you could just turn the windshield wipers on."


Sharon in Virginia Beach


Life is complicated enough; don't forget to laugh!


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11/7/08 11:24 A

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Ouch!
emoticon

Sharon in Virginia Beach


Life is complicated enough; don't forget to laugh!


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11/6/08 7:57 A

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A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says,

'Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.'

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing 'That's horrible!!! So

many men dying like that.

Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and

there is always that risk involved.'

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, 'How many is a

Brazilian?





Ethel

Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, but faith looks up! Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly and trust in our Creator who loves us.
When Satan reminds you of your past, remind him of his future.


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11/5/08 2:31 P

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LOL Ethel, good one
Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,

'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds.

And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you.'


Never play leap-frog with a unicorn!

Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections


Ellen
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11/4/08 9:31 P

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A bus load of politicians was driving down a country road when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.

A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer said he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, 'Were they all dead?'

The old farmer replied, 'Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them folks lie.'

Ethel

Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, but faith looks up! Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly and trust in our Creator who loves us.
When Satan reminds you of your past, remind him of his future.


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11/4/08 2:47 P

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An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay
flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served
them food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing
down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me
to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely
people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather
exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me
over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so
the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a
Princess. I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well,
sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, b**ch."

Never play leap-frog with a unicorn!

Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections


Ellen
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SLW1955's Photo SLW1955 Posts: 7,754
10/31/08 4:21 P

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That was a bunch of good ones - thanks for sharing!

The top 10 reasons you know you're too old to trick or treat:
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have a kid chew up the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say "great Boris Karloff mask!", and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens, you yell "Trick or...." and can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
And the #1 reason seniors should not go Trick or Treat:
1. You keep having to go home to pee.

No matter, have a HAPPY HALLOWEEN anyway!

Sharon in Virginia Beach


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10/31/08 1:49 P

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A young couple moves into a new neighborhood.

The next morning, while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees the neighbor hang her wash outside.
"That laundry is not very clean, she said, she doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs
another laundry soap." The husband looked on, but remained silent.

Every time her neighbor would hang out the wash the young woman would make the same comment.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband, "Look! she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?"

Her husband replied, "I got up early this morning and washed our windows."

And so it is with life: What we see while watching others, depends on the purity of the window through
which we look.


Ethel

Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, but faith looks up! Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly and trust in our Creator who loves us.
When Satan reminds you of your past, remind him of his future.


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SIGNS THAT YOU ARE NO LONGER A KID (OR EVEN CLOSE)....


You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

You can live without sex, but not without glasses.

You back goes out more than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

You are pjroud of your lawn mower.

Your best friend is dating someone halaf their age....And isn't breaking any laws.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life (that's me)

You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

People call at 9 pm. and ask "Did I wake you?" (that's me too) LOL

You have a dream about prunes.

You answer a question with "Beacause I said so!"

You send money to PBS.

You take a metal detector to the beach.

You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You got cable for the weather channel.

You can go bowling without drinking.

You have a party and the neighbors don"t even realize it!!


HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYBODY!!!

Marj.

Leader:
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Leader:
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Leader:
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I kid you not... New Wine for Seniors

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as



PINO MORE


I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE

Never play leap-frog with a unicorn!

Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections


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Oh Dear!!! LOL


THE GRANDMA TEST:

I was out walking with my 4-year-old Grand daughter. She picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. "Why?" my granddaughter asked. "Because it's been on the ground; you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs," I replied. at this point, my Granddaughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Grandma, how do you know all this stuff? Your are so smart."

I was thinking quickly. "All Grandmas know this stuff. It's on the Grandma Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Grandma."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "Oh....I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the Grandpa". "Exactly! I replied with a big smile on my face.

Edited by: HOME-BODY at: 10/30/2008 (09:51)
Marj.

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10/29/08 1:34 P

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The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,

'Hello.'

'Mrs.. Sanders, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another
Robert Sanders arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's'.'

'That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.
If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'




Ethel

Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, but faith looks up! Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly and trust in our Creator who loves us.
When Satan reminds you of your past, remind him of his future.


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10/29/08 8:13 A

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A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.

She asked if he had health insurances.

He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, " I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters. Nuns are married to God!"

The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Marj.

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10/28/08 9:39 A

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THAT WAS A VERY FUNNY ONE ISLANDGRL!! emoticon

Here's One For You:

In Case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "do not turn upside down." (Well....duh, a bit late, huh)!

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drownsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)

This is a goood one!!!!
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

HOPE YOU HAD A FEW CHUCKLES....Don't forget to read the lables???!!!!

Edited by: HOME-BODY at: 10/28/2008 (09:42)
Marj.

Leader:
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Leader:
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ISLANDGRL1's Photo ISLANDGRL1 Posts: 274
10/28/08 8:54 A

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A man was walking home alone late one foggy night,
when behind him he hears:


BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...


Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him

FASTER... FASTER...


BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...


He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.



However, the casket crashes through his door, with its lid clapping


clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...


On his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door, bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and,

(I really hope you're ready for this!!!)





The coffin stops!



Never play leap-frog with a unicorn!

Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections


Ellen
www.themillmans.com

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10/27/08 3:05 P

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HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER!!!!

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love Brian.

Sever days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her won bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER!!!

Marj.

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BEINLAZ's Photo BEINLAZ Posts: 1,819
10/26/08 8:35 P

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You mean coffee causes all that. I thought it was just me, excuse me while I get a cup of coffee. LOL

Ethel

Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, but faith looks up! Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly and trust in our Creator who loves us.
When Satan reminds you of your past, remind him of his future.


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10/26/08 5:44 P

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Oooooooo Sounds to familar Islandgrl!!! Scary ain't it!!!

ADDICTED TO COFFEE ????

You know you are addicted to coffee if.......

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth
You sleep with your eyes open.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other people's fingernails.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
Your forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
People get dizzy just watching you.
Instant coffee takes too long.
You channel surf faster without a remote.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You short out motion detectors.
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You help your dog chase its tail.
You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
Your fist-aid contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
You ski uphill.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You answer the door before people knock.
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

Edited by: HOME-BODY at: 10/26/2008 (17:47)
Marj.

Leader:
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Leader:
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Leader:
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ISLANDGRL1's Photo ISLANDGRL1 Posts: 274
10/26/08 5:31 P

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This one is a Maxine tale.


IF MY BODY WERE A CAR

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull .... But that's not the worst of it.


My headlights are out of focus and it's especi ally hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varic ose veins.


It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --



Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter. .....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!




Never play leap-frog with a unicorn!

Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections


Ellen
www.themillmans.com

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SLW1955's Photo SLW1955 Posts: 7,754
10/25/08 12:46 P

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It always amazes me when I hear those stories - the stupid but true ones! emoticon

Sharon in Virginia Beach


Life is complicated enough; don't forget to laugh!


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