I had the worst food day ever yesterday, at least, forever as in the past few months.
I couldn't believe myself, especially when the rest of the day was going so well. I mean, I got diddly sleep during the night (not for lack of trying) and got up, went to my very fun and interesting teacher workshop, then started to come home. I don't know why, but even the good choices i made went bad in a hurry.
I had fast food for breakfast (so tired i ran out of the house without making coffee, ended up getting breakfast, too), then had a great sandwich lunch during our break time. it was a box lunch, and very yummy, but its so big i used to eat half, wait a few hours, and eat the other half. this time i ate the whole thing in one sitting, most of the pasta, all the fruit salad, and the cookie before going off to the second half of the workshop. i couldn't believe it, but its like i just couldn't control myself. After a lecture i didn't have to attend, but was interesting, i went to the wine and snack reception and just got slices and slices of poundcake (they ran out long before i got in line last time i did this and i was mad), and it was good and that was going to be my last thing, my craving buster for the rest of the day, so i indulged. I hung around another 20 minutes then decided to go.
of course, things just don't work that way. On my way home i was kind of craving chinese food and wanted to stop by the mall and look for art books and get some chinese. for 30 miles, i debated going to the mall, and ended up going. i skipped through the food court quick, went to look for books (they didn't have the ones i wanted) and decided to leave. but that smell tempted me, so i said i'd just get two egg rolls for the way home and i'd be done.
only i bought the egg rolls and a container of chicken fried rice. I decided i'd save the fried rice for today's meals instead. when i got home, i felt so nauseous i purged. Then i drank some tea, proceeded to eat half the box full of chinese food, and was so upset at myself that i went to the bathroom to purged again. I was frustrated and angry and tried to do some things, but no sleep and the full day were taking my toll. i was trying to stay awake a little longer so i could clean and stuff. I ate the rest of the chinese food, then went to try and purge it and couldn't. i didn't have enough fluids in me to do it.
i was freaking out and crying and mad at myself because i completely screwed up what should have been a great day--and was--except for the stupidity of my cravings and taste buds. i wasn't even particularly hungry, but my mind decided i needed to chow down and let my taste buds enjoy. Amazingly, after all that, i took a small slice of spice cake (to kill the discomfort in my stomach from all the purging--yeah right, the taste buds struck again) and i filled up on hot decaf tea in hopes i'd feel a little better.
God, its no wonder i probably couldn't sleep last night. its like i knew what i was doing to myself and i just did it anyway, like a freaking moron. i can't believe i was that stupid, and it makes me so mad!!! it only seemed to slow down--not stop, but slow down, then stop--when i reminded myself that today would be a new day. I'm so angry because in two days i know i just killed off the progress i'd been trying to make for a good week and a half (flu kind of kept me back and persistent soreness and cold from doing outside activities that were helping before). i'm just so damned angry at myself now.
I need to breathe. I didn't start particularly strong today either. had a small piece of spice cake and some ramen soup, but i am getting my liquids in and i'm at home with my fresh fruits and veggies, so i'll be much better the rest of the day i'm sure. I need to calm down, and i can now, but last night i was so distressed. Now i'm okay, i hope, i just need to re-evaluate my position, and cold-be-damned, i'm gonna go out there and do some stuff if i can (got a ton of laundry and e-mails to catch up on today, and i can do it and it'll keep me out of the kitchen unless i need hot tea.) the good thing is dad'll have the rest of the cake finished off in no time, so i don't have to worry about that.
well, i have some coffee (decaf) to make, tea to guzzle, and an office that i'm hell-bent on cleaning. this is what i should've been doing last night instead of all that ickyness, and i could be done and ready to work, but i'm not. I'll take a breather, have some good tunes on for noise, and do much better today.
I'm a nerd out of habit, not out of spite.
"This is a revolution, dammit...we're going to have to offend SOMEBODY!!!"--John Adams, "1776"
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