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GRAMMACATHY's Photo GRAMMACATHY Posts: 19,352
7/11/11 8:52 P

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Hey I still have a metal ice cube tray......Yes, I AM older than dirt.



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5/24/11 3:50 A

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ok, I am new on this thread, but I gotta say, the lawyer jokes really should come with a 'potty' disclaimer, that one was hard on the bladder for sure!

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4/18/11 9:26 A

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How funny!! I've said and have been told I am older than dirt, now it's been proven! I remember 20 and had heard of the remaining. We were just talking at work about party lines, the younger ones were dumbfounded! All in the break-room had their cell phones out texting or playing a game. Next topic was Gidget, They were totally lost! It was a hilarious lunch hour for all.

DEBDOG77 Posts: 38
4/3/11 2:07 P

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Well I just found out I am "older than dirt" LOL....still I refuse to believe it!!

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QUEENIEZ55 SparkPoints: (0)
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1/30/11 10:15 P

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OMG. This is an awesome post. So much I remember. This is great! Thank you. emoticon

TIMBERJACKTIM's Photo TIMBERJACKTIM Posts: 112
12/3/09 5:01 P

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JADZEAMAY,

I remember fast food being delivered by a young girl on roller skates. (I also remember all items in your list) ;)

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BUNNABABY's Photo BUNNABABY Posts: 331
11/29/09 1:14 P

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The post is old but the Jeff Foxworthy stuff was cute, especially like the pronunciations! emoticon

Sue is learning to consume food for life rather than food consuming her!


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ONLYTEMPORARY's Photo ONLYTEMPORARY Posts: 42,795
8/5/09 11:57 P

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'Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?'

'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him.

'All the food was slow.'
'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'

'It was a place called "at home", I explained. !


'Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it :

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis , set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card.

In their later years, they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears & Roebuck.
Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died..

My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow).


We didn't have a television in our house until I was 10.
It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at midnight, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God; it came back on the air at about 6 a.m. and there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people.


I was 9 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called 'pizza pie.'
When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too.. It's still the best pizza I ever had.


I never had a telephone in my room.
The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers --my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which he got to keep 2 cents. He had to get up at 6AM every morning
On Saturday, he had to collect the 42 cents from his customers. His favorite customers were the ones who gave him 50 cents and told him to keep the change. His least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence or most anything offensive.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.

Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?


MEMORIES from a friend :
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it... I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.

How many do you remember?
Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
Real ice boxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

Older Than Dirt Quiz :
Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about.
Ratings at the bottom.

1. Blackjack chewing gum & Teaberry also (my favs)
2.Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines on the telephone
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels [if you were fortunate])
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S& H greenstamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25.. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!
I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.

Don't forget to pass this along!!
Especially to all your really OLD friends


It's Only Temporary

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FORMENOONEELSE's Photo FORMENOONEELSE Posts: 675
7/12/09 12:10 P

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I LOVE THE JEFF FOXWORTHY VIEWS ON OREGON....LOL
THEY MADE MY DAY!!!

JODI

Jodi
"Whether you think you can or you think you can't, either way you are right."
Henry Ford
Join me in the 2010 New Year's Challenge www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=35061


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ONLYTEMPORARY's Photo ONLYTEMPORARY Posts: 42,795
7/10/09 2:25 A

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emoticon

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Water is very important for us. We may, and I do, require more than the 8 glasses a day. The link goes to a water calculator I use to see what I need for my current weight. Mt requirement has dropped 9 ounces due to weight loss. Yipee!
fitnessgear101.com/fitness-calculato
rs/water-requirement-caculators.aspx


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*AMBER512's Photo *AMBER512 SparkPoints: (203,850)
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7/8/09 11:13 A

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THIS IS WHAT JEFF FOXWORTHY HAS TO SAY ABOUT 'LIVING IN OREGON!'

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you live in Oregon.

If you've worn shorts, sandals and a parka at the same time, you live in Oregon.

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed the wrong number, you live in Oregon.

If you measure distance in hours, you live in Oregon.

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you live in Oregon.

If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' and back again in the same day, you live in Oregon.

If you install security lights on your house and garage but leave both doors unlocked, you live in Oregon.

If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in Central, Southern or Eastern Oregon.

If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a 2 layers of clothes or under a raincoat, you live in Oregon.

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow and ice, you live in Oregon.

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction, you live in Oregon.

If you feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash, you live in Oregon.

If you know more than 10 ways to order coffee, you live in Oregon.

If you know more people who own boats than air conditioners, you live in Oregon.

If you stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk" signal, you live in Oregon.

If you consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it is not a real mountain, you live in Oregon.

If you can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best, and Dutch Bros, you live in Oregon.

If you know the difference between Chinook, Coho and Sockeye salmon, you live in Oregon.

If you know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Abiqua, Issaquah, Oregon, Umpqua, Yakima and Willamette, you live in Oregon.

If you consider swimming an indoor sport, you live in Oregon.

If you know that Boring is a city and not just a feeling, you live in Oregon.

If you can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai food, you live in Oregon.

If you never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho, you live in Oregon.

If you have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain, you live in Oregon.

If you think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists, you live in Oregon.

If you buy new sunglasses every year, because you cannot find the old ones after such a long time, you live in Oregon.


If you actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your OREGON friends, you live or have lived in Oregon.

†~Amber~†

MUSCLE DOES NOT WEIGH MORE THAN FAT 5 lbs = 5 lbs

5 lbs of muscle simply takes up less space than 5 lbs of fat!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If nothing tasted as good as being thin felt, no one would ever get fat!

FOOD TASTES GOOD
Let us eat it in moderation.


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LEAURIY's Photo LEAURIY SparkPoints: (38,640)
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6/29/09 3:03 A

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Those are too Funny!


Start weight: 180 (May 2009)
Start weight: 160 ( Dec. 2009)
Start weight: 196 (Sept. 2012)
Milestone I: 169 lbs.
Milestone II: 150 lbs.
Milestone III: 140 lbs.
Milestone IV: 135 lbs.
Goal weight: 135 - 140 lbs.

I may not be there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday.




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*AMBER512's Photo *AMBER512 SparkPoints: (203,850)
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6/11/09 2:59 P

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I love those! They are funny...and yet sad at the same time.

†~Amber~†

MUSCLE DOES NOT WEIGH MORE THAN FAT 5 lbs = 5 lbs

5 lbs of muscle simply takes up less space than 5 lbs of fat!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If nothing tasted as good as being thin felt, no one would ever get fat!

FOOD TASTES GOOD
Let us eat it in moderation.


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ONLYTEMPORARY's Photo ONLYTEMPORARY Posts: 42,795
6/10/09 4:49 P

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These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts", and are
things people have actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by
court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually
taking place.


ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
________________________________________
___

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
________________________________________
___

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
________________________________________
____

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

________________________________________
____

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
________________________________________
_

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you
go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________________
_

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
________________________________________
____

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law


It's Only Temporary

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Water is very important for us. We may, and I do, require more than the 8 glasses a day. The link goes to a water calculator I use to see what I need for my current weight. Mt requirement has dropped 9 ounces due to weight loss. Yipee!
fitnessgear101.com/fitness-calculato
rs/water-requirement-caculators.aspx


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MUDDER91's Photo MUDDER91 Posts: 3,899
5/26/09 11:55 A

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I love it!!!

Jana



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ONLYTEMPORARY's Photo ONLYTEMPORARY Posts: 42,795
5/25/09 3:11 A

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That is funny!

It's Only Temporary

Member of:

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'It's only Temporary'

Water is very important for us. We may, and I do, require more than the 8 glasses a day. The link goes to a water calculator I use to see what I need for my current weight. Mt requirement has dropped 9 ounces due to weight loss. Yipee!
fitnessgear101.com/fitness-calculato
rs/water-requirement-caculators.aspx


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MARJI231's Photo MARJI231 Posts: 29
5/23/09 4:03 A

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Food Spoilage Test
(from Explore Magazine, Jan. 2004)


ISAAC’S STRANGE RULE OF STALENESS: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.

EGGS: When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS: Milk is spoiled when it starts looking like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts looking like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts looking like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can’t get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you’ve never purchased that kind.

MEAT: If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

BREAD: Sesame seeds and poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable “spots” that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.

FLOUR: Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.

SALT: It never spoils.

CANNED GOODS: Any canned goods that have become the size and shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.

CARROTS: A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

RAISINS: Raisins should not be harder than you teeth.

CHIP DIP: If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: Most foods can not be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.


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*AMBER512's Photo *AMBER512 SparkPoints: (203,850)
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5/16/09 1:43 P

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LOL, awesome

†~Amber~†

MUSCLE DOES NOT WEIGH MORE THAN FAT 5 lbs = 5 lbs

5 lbs of muscle simply takes up less space than 5 lbs of fat!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If nothing tasted as good as being thin felt, no one would ever get fat!

FOOD TASTES GOOD
Let us eat it in moderation.


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ONLYTEMPORARY's Photo ONLYTEMPORARY Posts: 42,795
5/15/09 9:03 P

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CURTAIN RODS----PRICELESS

She spent the first day packing her belongings in to boxes, crates and
suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music,
and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of
spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited
a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the
curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned
with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents we rechecked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to
set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few
days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked!!!

People stoppe d coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they
could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return
their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to
purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and
said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to
reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was , he agreed on a
price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only
if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched
the moving company pack everything to take to their new home........

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
HELL HATH NO FURY----

It's Only Temporary

Member of:

JW's On the Narrow Path Teams

'It's only Temporary'

Water is very important for us. We may, and I do, require more than the 8 glasses a day. The link goes to a water calculator I use to see what I need for my current weight. Mt requirement has dropped 9 ounces due to weight loss. Yipee!
fitnessgear101.com/fitness-calculato
rs/water-requirement-caculators.aspx


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ONLYTEMPORARY's Photo ONLYTEMPORARY Posts: 42,795
5/12/09 3:32 A

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One blonde was tired of the blonde jokes, the derision and snickers from other shoppers at the mall, that look of pity from her counselor.

This is it, she decided. She walked into the nearest beauty supply store and bought a beautiful chestnut brunette hair color. There, she thought, this will put a stop to all the jokes.

She was driving home from the mall one day and came to a stop. A large flock of sheep was crossing the road. A handsome man, obviously the sheep herder, stood in the road watching the sheep cross.

The blonde-now-brunette got of her car and approached the man. "I have a proposition for you. If I can guess how many sheep you have, may I have one?" She was thinking that preparing a sheep for dinner couldn't be that hard. She'd let her husband do the honors, then she would put the roast in the oven. She even had mint jelly in the cupboard.

The sheep herder, thinking oh, this will be fun, she'll not have a clue. She's a city girl, what's she going to do with a sheep anyway? She wouldn't know where to start. "Sure, you guess how many sheep I have and you can have your pick of my sheep."

"Well, my favorite number is 352."

The sheep herder's eyes got big. He couldn't believe his ears. "Well, Madame, I don't know how you guessed that number, but you're correct. Now, I'll hold to my end of the bargain. Take your pick." He waved her toward the flock, now settling down in the field after crossing the road.

She walked around the flock, looking carefully, picking out the most friendly, perky animal. Surprisingly, the friendly creature followed her to her car. Ready to leave, the small sheep in the passenger seat beside her, the sheep herder appeared by her car window.

"Madame, I have a proposition for you. I'll tell you your real hair color, and if I'm right, you'll give back my dog."



It's Only Temporary

Member of:

JW's On the Narrow Path Teams

'It's only Temporary'

Water is very important for us. We may, and I do, require more than the 8 glasses a day. The link goes to a water calculator I use to see what I need for my current weight. Mt requirement has dropped 9 ounces due to weight loss. Yipee!
fitnessgear101.com/fitness-calculato
rs/water-requirement-caculators.aspx


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ONLYTEMPORARY's Photo ONLYTEMPORARY Posts: 42,795
5/5/09 4:18 P

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It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero, when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to the parking lot and wondered how she was going to make it home.
She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her snowy situation. She then remembered her daddy's advice that if she ever got caught in a blizzard, she should wait for a snowplow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough, in a little while, a snowplow went by and she started to follow it.
As she followed the snowplow, she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite some time had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signalled for her to roll down her window.
The snowplow driver wanted to know if she was all right, as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snowplow when caught in a blizzard.
The driver replied that it was okay with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Home Depot next.


It's Only Temporary

Member of:

JW's On the Narrow Path Teams

'It's only Temporary'

Water is very important for us. We may, and I do, require more than the 8 glasses a day. The link goes to a water calculator I use to see what I need for my current weight. Mt requirement has dropped 9 ounces due to weight loss. Yipee!
fitnessgear101.com/fitness-calculato
rs/water-requirement-caculators.aspx


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BKP4166's Photo BKP4166 Posts: 16,278
4/28/09 12:10 A

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emoticon emoticon emoticon

Kathy from Oregon

Co-Leader

60+LQQKing to Lose 50+




It's foolish to ask God to direct your steps, if you aren't willing to move your feet.


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ONLYTEMPORARY's Photo ONLYTEMPORARY Posts: 42,795
4/27/09 7:34 P

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Why Parents Drink

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'Hello?'

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

'Yes,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, 'No.'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' 'Yes'

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, 'No'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

'Yes,' whispered the child, 'a policeman.'

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

'No, he's busy,' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

'Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Ambulance Rescue man,' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

'A helicopter' answered the whispering voice..

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.Again, whispering, the child answered,

'The search team just landed a helicopter'

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

'ME..'


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'It's only Temporary'

Water is very important for us. We may, and I do, require more than the 8 glasses a day. The link goes to a water calculator I use to see what I need for my current weight. Mt requirement has dropped 9 ounces due to weight loss. Yipee!
fitnessgear101.com/fitness-calculato
rs/water-requirement-caculators.aspx


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4/14/09 9:29 P

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Thanks for the smile Kathy emoticon

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ONLYTEMPORARY's Photo ONLYTEMPORARY Posts: 42,795
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We got a good laugh out of this. I have been to a Kohls.

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Water is very important for us. We may, and I do, require more than the 8 glasses a day. The link goes to a water calculator I use to see what I need for my current weight. Mt requirement has dropped 9 ounces due to weight loss. Yipee!
fitnessgear101.com/fitness-calculato
rs/water-requirement-caculators.aspx


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TEDDYBEARGIRL's Photo TEDDYBEARGIRL SparkPoints: (78,476)
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LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL

My name is Teresa.
I live in Oregon


When God seems far away, call on Psalm 139


"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own" 1 Cor. 6:19



Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things. Phil 3:19


Prov 23:2
put a knife to your throat if you are given to gluttony.


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4/7/09 3:05 P

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THE KOHL'S SHOPPING TRIP

(This is just too funny! This could only be true; you simply can't make this stuff up! Oh, for you who don't know this: Kohl's is a really nice
department store.)

Clutching their Kohl's shopping bags, Ellen and Kay woefully gazed down at a dead cat in the mall parking lot. Obviously a recent hit...no flies, no smell. What business could that poor kitty have had here?' murmured Ellen.'Come on, Ellen, let's just go..'

But Ellen had already grabbed her shopping bag and was explaining,'I'll just put my things in your bag, and then I'll use this tissue.' She dumped her purchases into Kay's bag and then used the tissue paper to cradle and lower the former feline into her own Kohl's bag and cover it.

They continued the short trek to the car in silence, stashing their goods in the trunk. But it occurred to both of them that if they left Ellen's burial bag in the trunk, warmed by the Texas sunshine while they ate, Kay's Lumina would soon lose that new-car smell.

They decided to leave the bag on top of the trunk, and they headed over to K & W Cafeteria. After they went through the serving line and they sat down at a window table. They had a view of Kay's Chevy with the Kohl's bag still on the trunk. BUT not for long!
As they ate, they noticed a woman in a red gingham shirt stroll by their car. She looked quickly this way and that, and then took the Kohl's bag without breaking stride. She quickly walked out of their line of vision.

Kay and Ellen shot each other a wide-eyed look of amazement. It all happened so fast that neither of them could think how to respond. 'Can you imagine?' finally sputtered Ellen. 'The nerve of that woman!'
Kay sympathized with Ellen, but inwardly a laugh was building as she thought about the grand surprise awaiting the female thief. Just when she thought she'd have to giggle into her napkin, she noticed Ellen's eyes freeze in the direction of the serving line.

Following her gaze, Kay recognized the woman in the red gingham shirt with The Kohl's bag hanging from her arm. She was brazenly pushing her tray toward the cashier. Helplessly they watched the scene unfold:

After leaving the register, the woman settled at a table across from theirs, put the bag on an empty chair and began to eat. After a few bites of baked whitefish and green beans, she casually lifted the bag into her lap to survey her treasure. Looking from side to side, but not far enough to notice her rapt audience three tables over, she pulled out the tissue paper and peered into the bag.

Her eyes widened, and she began to make a sort of gasping noise. The noise grew. The bag slid from her lap as she sank to the floor, wheezing and clutching her upper chest. The beverage cart attendant quickly recognized a customer in trouble and sent the busboy to call 911, while she administered the Heimlich maneuver.

A crowd quickly gathered that did not include Ellen and Kay, who remained riveted to their chairs for seven whole minutes until the ambulance arrived.
In a matter of minutes, the woman with the red gingham shirt emerged from the crowd, still gasping, and securely strapped on a gurney. Two well-trained EMS volunteers steered her to the waiting ambulance, while a third scooped up her belongings.
The last they saw of the distressed cat-burglar was as she disappeared behind the ambulance doors
................the Kohl's Bag perched on her stomach!!

God does take care of those who do bad things! (AND once in a while...He allows us to witness it!)



Kathy from Oregon

Co-Leader

60+LQQKing to Lose 50+




It's foolish to ask God to direct your steps, if you aren't willing to move your feet.


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TEDDYBEARGIRL's Photo TEDDYBEARGIRL SparkPoints: (78,476)
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*Sibling Takes*

As I was dropping my son off at daycare the other day, I overheard some of the children talking about their siblings.

"My brother takes karate lessons," bragged one.

"My sister takes gymnastics," said another.

Not to be outdone, the youngest piped up, "My sister takes antibiotics!"

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*


My name is Teresa.
I live in Oregon


When God seems far away, call on Psalm 139


"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own" 1 Cor. 6:19



Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things. Phil 3:19


Prov 23:2
put a knife to your throat if you are given to gluttony.


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Black Robbers


For anyone who didn't see David Letterman's take on this: (And it's a

true story...)


On a recent weekend in Atlantic City , a woman won a bucketful Of
quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner
with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the
quarters in herroom.


'I'll be right back and we'll go to eat,' she told her husband and
carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator. As she was about to walk
into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black.
One of them was tall...very tall...an intimidating figure.


The woman froze.. Her first thought was: 'These two are going to rob me.'
Her next thought was: 'Don't be a bigot; they look like perfectly nice
gentlemen.' But racial stereo types are powerful, and fear immobilized
her. She stood and stared At the two men. She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed.
She hoped they didn't read her mind but gosh, they had to
know what she was thinking!!!


Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too Obvious
now. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a
mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and
followed with the other foot and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye
contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the Elevator doors as they
closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her
fear increased!


The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. 'My God,' she thought, I'm
trapped and about to be robbed! 'Her heart plummeted. Perspiration
poured from every pore.Then one of the men said, 'Hit the floor.'

Instinct told her to do what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew
upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A
shower of coins rained down on her.. Take my money and spare me, she
prayed. More seconds passed.

She heard one of the men say politely, 'Ma'am, if you'll just tell us
what floor you're going to, we'll push the button.'The one who said it
had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to
hold in a belly laugh.The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two
men. They Reached down to help her up.

Confused, she struggled to her feet. 'When I told my friend here to hit
the floor,' said the average sized one, 'I meant that he should hit the
elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor,
ma'am.'

He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard
time not laughing. The woman thought: 'My God, what a spectacle I've
made of myself.' She was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt
out an apology, but words failed her . How do you apologize to two
perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going
to rob you? She didn't know what to say.

The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her
bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on
walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and
they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door
they bid her a good evening.

As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with Laughter
as they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She
pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.

The next morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen roses.
Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill.

The card said: 'Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years.'
It was signed;

Eddie Murphy

Michael Jordan


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Member of:

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'It's only Temporary'

Water is very important for us. We may, and I do, require more than the 8 glasses a day. The link goes to a water calculator I use to see what I need for my current weight. Mt requirement has dropped 9 ounces due to weight loss. Yipee!
fitnessgear101.com/fitness-calculato
rs/water-requirement-caculators.aspx


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TIMBERJACKTIM's Photo TIMBERJACKTIM Posts: 112
4/4/09 5:14 P

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4/2/09 2:24 P

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LOL I must be having a "blonde" moment, because I was thinking "wait, she sent the kid home?? that doesn't make sense...." lol

†~Amber~†

MUSCLE DOES NOT WEIGH MORE THAN FAT 5 lbs = 5 lbs

5 lbs of muscle simply takes up less space than 5 lbs of fat!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If nothing tasted as good as being thin felt, no one would ever get fat!

FOOD TASTES GOOD
Let us eat it in moderation.


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ONLYTEMPORARY's Photo ONLYTEMPORARY Posts: 42,795
4/1/09 11:50 P

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A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 AM." Signed, "The Blonde".

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.

Inside the bag was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."


It's Only Temporary

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'It's only Temporary'

Water is very important for us. We may, and I do, require more than the 8 glasses a day. The link goes to a water calculator I use to see what I need for my current weight. Mt requirement has dropped 9 ounces due to weight loss. Yipee!
fitnessgear101.com/fitness-calculato
rs/water-requirement-caculators.aspx


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ONLYTEMPORARY's Photo ONLYTEMPORARY Posts: 42,795
3/20/09 5:19 A

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I love it.

It's Only Temporary

Member of:

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'It's only Temporary'

Water is very important for us. We may, and I do, require more than the 8 glasses a day. The link goes to a water calculator I use to see what I need for my current weight. Mt requirement has dropped 9 ounces due to weight loss. Yipee!
fitnessgear101.com/fitness-calculato
rs/water-requirement-caculators.aspx


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*AMBER512's Photo *AMBER512 SparkPoints: (203,850)
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3/19/09 12:44 P

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†~Amber~†

MUSCLE DOES NOT WEIGH MORE THAN FAT 5 lbs = 5 lbs

5 lbs of muscle simply takes up less space than 5 lbs of fat!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If nothing tasted as good as being thin felt, no one would ever get fat!

FOOD TASTES GOOD
Let us eat it in moderation.


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MARJI231's Photo MARJI231 Posts: 29
3/19/09 8:12 A

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19 WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a
hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling diamonds."
7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
8. Dont use any punctuation
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat - with a serious face.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds
all day at work.
14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.
17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "run for your lives, they're loose!!"
19. Tell your children over dinner "due to the economy, we are going to
have to let one of you go."


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ONLYTEMPORARY's Photo ONLYTEMPORARY Posts: 42,795
3/16/09 4:03 A

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People are so sue happy and it's even worse that there are so many idiots out there giving them what they want!

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'It's only Temporary'

Water is very important for us. We may, and I do, require more than the 8 glasses a day. The link goes to a water calculator I use to see what I need for my current weight. Mt requirement has dropped 9 ounces due to weight loss. Yipee!
fitnessgear101.com/fitness-calculato
rs/water-requirement-caculators.aspx


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F8CONE8's Photo F8CONE8 Posts: 13,156
3/16/09 12:29 A

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Come check out the Artists Team and Photographers Snapping away the pounds! teams.sparkpeople.com/photobugs


don-and-carol-todd.artistwebsites.co
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Kathy from Oregon

Co-Leader

60+LQQKing to Lose 50+




It's foolish to ask God to direct your steps, if you aren't willing to move your feet.


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JENCORINNE's Photo JENCORINNE Posts: 1,933
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RE: the Winnebago is part of a funny - here's the whole thing

2008 Stella Awards

It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving
Here are the Stella's for the past year:

7TH PLACE :

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

6TH PLACE:

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.
Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.



5TH PLACE:

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut.
Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental anguish.
Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.

Keep scratching. There are more...



4TH PLACE :

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered
4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded 14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard.
Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Grrrrr. Scratch, scratch.

3RD PLACE:

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
Whatever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there; there are only two more Stellas to go...

2ND PLACE:

Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.


1ST PLACE : (May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos please)

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home.
Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.
Are we, as a society, getting more stupid...? Ya think??!!
More than a few of our judge's elevators don't go to the top floor either!



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As a travel Agent I've seen the senatorial travel jokes using all sorts of people as the "idiots" and that is the short list. I'll have to find the full list to post someday.

Now a couple of my favorite actually heard or was relayed -
I used to do wholesale so retail travel agents would call my company. One day a TA called and wanted to pick up a car on one island in Hawaii and drop it off on another. When the person who had her on the phone told her that there wasn't a way to get the car from 1 island to the other she replied that there was tunnels connecting the islands and she'd been in them. Now there aren't tunnels connecting the islands and I don't want to even think of what kind of engineering feat that would be but I want to know what she was smoking to think that there were tunnels in the 1st place. The co-worker went round and round about the tunnels and finally passed her onto a supervisor - same thing, onto another supervisor with the same results. She was passed onto one more supervisor who finally simply said "You're right there's tunnels but they're closed for repair"
She finally accepted that her clients couldn't pick up a car on one island and drop it off on the other.

The other thing is that the Hawaiian Islands move about 2 inches a year on the continental shelf. Now a TA had a pax that was going to Hawaii. The TA asked if she had any questions. The pax asked how the pilots find the Islands. The TA said that they used navigation and latitude and longitude know where to go. The pax was still confused and still wanted to know how the pilots found the islands. The TA finally got out of her that she had heard that the islands float around so if they kept moving how do the piots know where to find them.

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3/14/09 1:58 P

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OMG lol

I could never go from driving a hearse to being a cab driver!

†~Amber~†

MUSCLE DOES NOT WEIGH MORE THAN FAT 5 lbs = 5 lbs

5 lbs of muscle simply takes up less space than 5 lbs of fat!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If nothing tasted as good as being thin felt, no one would ever get fat!

FOOD TASTES GOOD
Let us eat it in moderation.


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ONLYTEMPORARY's Photo ONLYTEMPORARY Posts: 42,795
3/13/09 6:30 P

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A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question & tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, & stopped just inches from a
large plate glass window. For a few moments erything was silent in the cab. Then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver & said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, "No, no, I 'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."


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Member of:

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'It's only Temporary'

Water is very important for us. We may, and I do, require more than the 8 glasses a day. The link goes to a water calculator I use to see what I need for my current weight. Mt requirement has dropped 9 ounces due to weight loss. Yipee!
fitnessgear101.com/fitness-calculato
rs/water-requirement-caculators.aspx


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It's Only Temporary

Member of:

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'It's only Temporary'

Water is very important for us. We may, and I do, require more than the 8 glasses a day. The link goes to a water calculator I use to see what I need for my current weight. Mt requirement has dropped 9 ounces due to weight loss. Yipee!
fitnessgear101.com/fitness-calculato
rs/water-requirement-caculators.aspx


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*AMBER512's Photo *AMBER512 SparkPoints: (203,850)
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3/12/09 1:15 P

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LOL I love those! emoticon emoticon

†~Amber~†

MUSCLE DOES NOT WEIGH MORE THAN FAT 5 lbs = 5 lbs

5 lbs of muscle simply takes up less space than 5 lbs of fat!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If nothing tasted as good as being thin felt, no one would ever get fat!

FOOD TASTES GOOD
Let us eat it in moderation.


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BKP4166's Photo BKP4166 Posts: 16,278
3/12/09 1:38 A

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1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. His size resulted from too much pi(e).

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet..'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!





Kathy from Oregon

Co-Leader

60+LQQKing to Lose 50+




It's foolish to ask God to direct your steps, if you aren't willing to move your feet.


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OMG! Jadzea both of your stories are hilarious!

The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny.

- Albert Ellis


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OMG! Jadzea both of your stories are hilarious!

The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny.

- Albert Ellis


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How funny! They poke their noses in everywhere don't they?

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Water is very important for us. We may, and I do, require more than the 8 glasses a day. The link goes to a water calculator I use to see what I need for my current weight. Mt requirement has dropped 9 ounces due to weight loss. Yipee!
fitnessgear101.com/fitness-calculato
rs/water-requirement-caculators.aspx


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Three people were arguing about what profession was used first in the bible.

The Surgeon says, "The Medical profession was used first when God took a rib from Adam and made Eve.

The Engineer says, "No, engineering was used first. Just think of the engineering job it took to create the world out of chaos.

The Politician says, "You would have nothing if we didn't create chaos in the beginning?

†~Amber~†

MUSCLE DOES NOT WEIGH MORE THAN FAT 5 lbs = 5 lbs

5 lbs of muscle simply takes up less space than 5 lbs of fat!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If nothing tasted as good as being thin felt, no one would ever get fat!

FOOD TASTES GOOD
Let us eat it in moderation.


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*Happy Birthday Call*

A couple phoned a neighbor to extend birthday greetings. They dialed the number and then sang "Happy Birthday" to him.

But when they finished their off-key rendition, they discovered that they had dialed the wrong number.

"Don't let it bother you," said a strange but amused voice. "You folks need all the practice you can get."

*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*

My name is Teresa.
I live in Oregon


When God seems far away, call on Psalm 139


"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own" 1 Cor. 6:19



Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things. Phil 3:19


Prov 23:2
put a knife to your throat if you are given to gluttony.


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THE POWER OF THE BADGE

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Montana , and talks with an old
rancher. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for
illegally grown drugs.'

The old rancher says, 'Okay, but do not go in that field over there' as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's prize
bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.

The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
'Your badge...Show him your badge!'



It's Only Temporary

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Water is very important for us. We may, and I do, require more than the 8 glasses a day. The link goes to a water calculator I use to see what I need for my current weight. Mt requirement has dropped 9 ounces due to weight loss. Yipee!
fitnessgear101.com/fitness-calculato
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This particular story just made me laugh. Every time I think about it, the vision of that poor cat just amuses me. Hope the story leaves a bright spot in your day. Whoever said the Creator doesn't have a sense of humor? Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc.

The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke.

The tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the air-out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"

She replied, "You won't believe this," and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it."

She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her."

Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humor.



It's Only Temporary

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'It's only Temporary'

Water is very important for us. We may, and I do, require more than the 8 glasses a day. The link goes to a water calculator I use to see what I need for my current weight. Mt requirement has dropped 9 ounces due to weight loss. Yipee!
fitnessgear101.com/fitness-calculato
rs/water-requirement-caculators.aspx


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TEDDYBEARGIRL's Photo TEDDYBEARGIRL SparkPoints: (78,476)
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LOL

My name is Teresa.
I live in Oregon


When God seems far away, call on Psalm 139


"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own" 1 Cor. 6:19



Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things. Phil 3:19


Prov 23:2
put a knife to your throat if you are given to gluttony.


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Hallelujah and Amen

A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way, (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, is to say,
"Hallelujah!"

And the only way to make the donkey stop, is to say, "Amen!"

The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions.

"Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately.

"This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah", he rode off very proud of his new purchase.
The man traveled for a long time through some mountains. Soon he was heading towards a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the donkey stop.

"Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept going.

"Oh, no...

'Bible...Church!...Please Stop!!," shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the cliff edge.

Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer...

"Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN."

The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.

"HALLELUJAH!", shouted the man.


It's Only Temporary

Member of:

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'It's only Temporary'

Water is very important for us. We may, and I do, require more than the 8 glasses a day. The link goes to a water calculator I use to see what I need for my current weight. Mt requirement has dropped 9 ounces due to weight loss. Yipee!
fitnessgear101.com/fitness-calculato
rs/water-requirement-caculators.aspx


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1/27/09 2:12 A

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It's Only Temporary

Member of:

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'It's only Temporary'

Water is very important for us. We may, and I do, require more than the 8 glasses a day. The link goes to a water calculator I use to see what I need for my current weight. Mt requirement has dropped 9 ounces due to weight loss. Yipee!
fitnessgear101.com/fitness-calculato
rs/water-requirement-caculators.aspx


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TEDDYBEARGIRL's Photo TEDDYBEARGIRL SparkPoints: (78,476)
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1/26/09 9:23 P

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I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in 'Twister.' I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the 'cruise control' and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

My name is Teresa.
I live in Oregon


When God seems far away, call on Psalm 139


"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own" 1 Cor. 6:19



Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things. Phil 3:19


Prov 23:2
put a knife to your throat if you are given to gluttony.


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*AMBER512's Photo *AMBER512 SparkPoints: (203,850)
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1/26/09 1:08 P

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LOL

†~Amber~†

MUSCLE DOES NOT WEIGH MORE THAN FAT 5 lbs = 5 lbs

5 lbs of muscle simply takes up less space than 5 lbs of fat!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If nothing tasted as good as being thin felt, no one would ever get fat!

FOOD TASTES GOOD
Let us eat it in moderation.


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1/25/09 9:16 P

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emoticon

My name is Teresa.
I live in Oregon


When God seems far away, call on Psalm 139


"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own" 1 Cor. 6:19



Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things. Phil 3:19


Prov 23:2
put a knife to your throat if you are given to gluttony.


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1/25/09 7:38 P

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WINTER BLONDE

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.


The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.


He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...



"Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter in Eastern Oregon and I'm driving the GRAVEL TRUCK.


It's Only Temporary

Member of:

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'It's only Temporary'

Water is very important for us. We may, and I do, require more than the 8 glasses a day. The link goes to a water calculator I use to see what I need for my current weight. Mt requirement has dropped 9 ounces due to weight loss. Yipee!
fitnessgear101.com/fitness-calculato
rs/water-requirement-caculators.aspx


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1/24/09 11:12 P

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It's Only Temporary

Member of:

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'It's only Temporary'

Water is very important for us. We may, and I do, require more than the 8 glasses a day. The link goes to a water calculator I use to see what I need for my current weight. Mt requirement has dropped 9 ounces due to weight loss. Yipee!
fitnessgear101.com/fitness-calculato
rs/water-requirement-caculators.aspx


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Only three doors
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"


†~Amber~†

MUSCLE DOES NOT WEIGH MORE THAN FAT 5 lbs = 5 lbs

5 lbs of muscle simply takes up less space than 5 lbs of fat!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If nothing tasted as good as being thin felt, no one would ever get fat!

FOOD TASTES GOOD
Let us eat it in moderation.


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poor lawyers, so many jokes about them!

Generous lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"


†~Amber~†

MUSCLE DOES NOT WEIGH MORE THAN FAT 5 lbs = 5 lbs

5 lbs of muscle simply takes up less space than 5 lbs of fat!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If nothing tasted as good as being thin felt, no one would ever get fat!

FOOD TASTES GOOD
Let us eat it in moderation.


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lol, too funny =)

†~Amber~†

MUSCLE DOES NOT WEIGH MORE THAN FAT 5 lbs = 5 lbs

5 lbs of muscle simply takes up less space than 5 lbs of fat!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If nothing tasted as good as being thin felt, no one would ever get fat!

FOOD TASTES GOOD
Let us eat it in moderation.


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One Tough Teacher-

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Discipline was not a problem from that moment on.......


It's Only Temporary

Member of:

JW's On the Narrow Path Teams

'It's only Temporary'

Water is very important for us. We may, and I do, require more than the 8 glasses a day. The link goes to a water calculator I use to see what I need for my current weight. Mt requirement has dropped 9 ounces due to weight loss. Yipee!
fitnessgear101.com/fitness-calculato
rs/water-requirement-caculators.aspx


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1/16/09 9:56 P

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It's Only Temporary

Member of:

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'It's only Temporary'

Water is very important for us. We may, and I do, require more than the 8 glasses a day. The link goes to a water calculator I use to see what I need for my current weight. Mt requirement has dropped 9 ounces due to weight loss. Yipee!
fitnessgear101.com/fitness-calculato
rs/water-requirement-caculators.aspx


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Loved this one!!!!!

My name is Teresa.
I live in Oregon


When God seems far away, call on Psalm 139


"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own" 1 Cor. 6:19



Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things. Phil 3:19


Prov 23:2
put a knife to your throat if you are given to gluttony.


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Where Is the "BC" Located?

A ministers widow, who was old-fashioned, was going camping for a week in California. She was nervous about the bathroom facilities and decided to write a letter to the campground owner. But as she was writing, she couldn't bring herself to write toilet.
After much thought, the widow settled on "bathroom commode", but when she wrote the word, it still sounded too coarse. Instead, she referred to the bathroom commode as "BC" after the first page of the letter: "Does the cabin where I will be staying have its own BC? If not, where is the BC located?"

In the process of filing, the campground owner lost the first page of the letter. Without noticing, he left the remainder of the letter on the desk of his staff manager who found the letter and was baffled by the acronym. When he asked his wife what BC meant, she remembered the widows husband was once a famous Baptist preacher. "Oh, of course! exclaimed the staff member. BC stands for 'Baptist Church!'" He immediately wrote a response to the widows letter:

Dear Madam,

I apologize for the delay in answering your letter, but I have the pleasure of informing you that the BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a fundraiser planned to buy more seats for the basement of the BC.

I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.

If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time, sit with you, and introduce you to all the folks. Remember, this is a friendly community."

Best wishes,
Ethan Smith
Campground Manager
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Kathy from Oregon

Co-Leader

60+LQQKing to Lose 50+




It's foolish to ask God to direct your steps, if you aren't willing to move your feet.


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1/12/09 1:47 P

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LOL =P

†~Amber~†

MUSCLE DOES NOT WEIGH MORE THAN FAT 5 lbs = 5 lbs

5 lbs of muscle simply takes up less space than 5 lbs of fat!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If nothing tasted as good as being thin felt, no one would ever get fat!

FOOD TASTES GOOD
Let us eat it in moderation.


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Crabs on Plane

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of crabs. A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.
The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw.
Shortly before landing in New York, she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin, 'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise his hand?'
Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them herself.

Some Men never learn!


It's Only Temporary

Member of:

JW's On the Narrow Path Teams

'It's only Temporary'

Water is very important for us. We may, and I do, require more than the 8 glasses a day. The link goes to a water calculator I use to see what I need for my current weight. Mt requirement has dropped 9 ounces due to weight loss. Yipee!
fitnessgear101.com/fitness-calculato
rs/water-requirement-caculators.aspx


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That was a good one!

My name is Teresa.
I live in Oregon


When God seems far away, call on Psalm 139


"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own" 1 Cor. 6:19



Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things. Phil 3:19


Prov 23:2
put a knife to your throat if you are given to gluttony.


 current weight: 375.0 
 
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1/10/09 3:53 A

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Kathy from Oregon

Co-Leader

60+LQQKing to Lose 50+




It's foolish to ask God to direct your steps, if you aren't willing to move your feet.


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Snagged this from another Team

Diary of a Mad Shoveler

December 8: 6:00 p.m. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our hot chocolate and sat for hours by the window watching huge, soft snowflakes drift down from the heavens. It
looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic - we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow.

December 9: We awoke to a big beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can
there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt
like a boy again. Did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow
came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor, Bob, tells me not to worry, we'll have so much snow
by the end of winter, I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man-I'm glad he is our neighbor.

December 14: Snow, lovely snow!! Eight inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up shoveling the driveway and
sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again.
I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. Wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer.The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out.
I think that's silly-we aren't in Alaska after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my caboose on the driveway while putting down salt. It hurt! The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. Had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. No TV. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try to
irritate her. Guess we should've bought the wood stove, but won't admit it to HER! OH, I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: Electricity is back on, but had another 14" of the white stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Sadistic snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they say
they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. MIGHT get another shipment in March. I think they're
lying. Bob says I HAVE to shovel or the City will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22: 13 more inches of that white crud fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt until August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to
go out to shovel and then I had to go to the bathroom. By the time I got undressed, went to the bathroom, and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think he's just selfish and is lying.

December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0.

December 24: Six inches. Snow packed so hard by the snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the fool who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his
ears. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sit with her and enjoy some music and hot buttered rum, but I was busy watching for that stinking snowplow.

December 25: 20 more inches of freezing cold white plague tonight. Snowed in. The idea of more shoveling makes my blood boil! I hate snow!! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a
donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. She's never understood me!

December 26: Still snowed in. Why did we ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

December 28: Warmed up to above -5. Still snowed in. The wife is driving me CRAZY!!!

December 29: Ten more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I have ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. The snowplow driver is suing me for a million dollars. The wife went home to her mother as predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they
keep giving me. Oh, look, it's snowing....


It's Only Temporary

Member of:

JW's On the Narrow Path Teams

'It's only Temporary'

Water is very important for us. We may, and I do, require more than the 8 glasses a day. The link goes to a water calculator I use to see what I need for my current weight. Mt requirement has dropped 9 ounces due to weight loss. Yipee!
fitnessgear101.com/fitness-calculato
rs/water-requirement-caculators.aspx


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It's Only Temporary

Member of:

JW's On the Narrow Path Teams

'It's only Temporary'

Water is very important for us. We may, and I do, require more than the 8 glasses a day. The link goes to a water calculator I use to see what I need for my current weight. Mt requirement has dropped 9 ounces due to weight loss. Yipee!
fitnessgear101.com/fitness-calculato
rs/water-requirement-caculators.aspx


 current weight: 230.0 
 
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MYTHREESONS08 SparkPoints: (0)
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1/3/09 6:02 P

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The 7 Degrees of Blonde:

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up. The husband said, 'Who was that?'

The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'

--

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'

The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'

So, the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it 's me!'

--

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'

The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'

--

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'

A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?'

The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy. It's W.'

--

FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'

--

SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her U S
Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision
George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware '

--

SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at t he sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'



Donna


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ONLYTEMPORARY's Photo ONLYTEMPORARY Posts: 42,795
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I love it!

Edited by: ONLYTEMPORARY at: 12/31/2008 (02:01)
It's Only Temporary

Member of:

JW's On the Narrow Path Teams

'It's only Temporary'

Water is very important for us. We may, and I do, require more than the 8 glasses a day. The link goes to a water calculator I use to see what I need for my current weight. Mt requirement has dropped 9 ounces due to weight loss. Yipee!
fitnessgear101.com/fitness-calculato
rs/water-requirement-caculators.aspx


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12/30/08 8:23 P

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emoticon Good ones Teresa!!

Kathy from Oregon

Co-Leader

60+LQQKing to Lose 50+




It's foolish to ask God to direct your steps, if you aren't willing to move your feet.


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TEDDYBEARGIRL's Photo TEDDYBEARGIRL SparkPoints: (78,476)
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Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use copier machine paper,' the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies. emoticon

My name is Teresa.
I live in Oregon


When God seems far away, call on Psalm 139


"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own" 1 Cor. 6:19



Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things. Phil 3:19


Prov 23:2
put a knife to your throat if you are given to gluttony.


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ONLYTEMPORARY's Photo ONLYTEMPORARY Posts: 42,795
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It's Only Temporary

Member of:

JW's On the Narrow Path Teams

'It's only Temporary'

Water is very important for us. We may, and I do, require more than the 8 glasses a day. The link goes to a water calculator I use to see what I need for my current weight. Mt requirement has dropped 9 ounces due to weight loss. Yipee!
fitnessgear101.com/fitness-calculato
rs/water-requirement-caculators.aspx


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TEDDYBEARGIRL's Photo TEDDYBEARGIRL SparkPoints: (78,476)
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On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.

He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.

My name is Teresa.
I live in Oregon


When God seems far away, call on Psalm 139


"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own" 1 Cor. 6:19



Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things. Phil 3:19


Prov 23:2
put a knife to your throat if you are given to gluttony.


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ONLYTEMPORARY's Photo ONLYTEMPORARY Posts: 42,795
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It's Only Temporary

Member of:

JW's On the Narrow Path Teams

'It's only Temporary'

Water is very important for us. We may, and I do, require more than the 8 glasses a day. The link goes to a water calculator I use to see what I need for my current weight. Mt requirement has dropped 9 ounces due to weight loss. Yipee!
fitnessgear101.com/fitness-calculato
rs/water-requirement-caculators.aspx


 current weight: 230.0 
 
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†~Amber~†

MUSCLE DOES NOT WEIGH MORE THAN FAT 5 lbs = 5 lbs

5 lbs of muscle simply takes up less space than 5 lbs of fat!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If nothing tasted as good as being thin felt, no one would ever get fat!

FOOD TASTES GOOD
Let us eat it in moderation.


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ALL PUNS INTENDED

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field..
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy..

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"
;
13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off..
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .. a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.


Kathy from Oregon

Co-Leader

60+LQQKing to Lose 50+




It's foolish to ask God to direct your steps, if you aren't willing to move your feet.


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