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EJACKSON08's Photo EJACKSON08 Posts: 31
6/23/08 4:12 P

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These are pretty good!
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Only through Christ's strength can I achieve anything!


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REBA1058's Photo REBA1058 Posts: 5,594
6/23/08 2:21 P

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(¨`•.•΄¨) ~ Reba
`•.Έ (¨ `•.•΄¨)
(¨`•.•΄¨) Έ.•΄
`•.Έ.•΄
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I quit smoking Oct. 11, 2008!! Woohoo!!
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"Do a little more each day than you think you possibly can." ~Lowell Thomas
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MRAY622's Photo MRAY622 SparkPoints: (0)
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6/23/08 2:03 P

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Teacher arrested
Date: Thursday, June 19, 2008, 8:18 PM
NEW YORK -- A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement.
He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a problem for us", the Attorney General said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values."
They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle".



Captain BCL #6 Sapphire Slimmers

Whether you think you can or can't, you're right. -Henry Ford

Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength Corri Ten Boom


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REBA1058's Photo REBA1058 Posts: 5,594
6/18/08 12:48 P

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A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where were you when I got married?"

(¨`•.•΄¨) ~ Reba
`•.Έ (¨ `•.•΄¨)
(¨`•.•΄¨) Έ.•΄
`•.Έ.•΄
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I quit smoking Oct. 11, 2008!! Woohoo!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Do a little more each day than you think you possibly can." ~Lowell Thomas
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REBA1058's Photo REBA1058 Posts: 5,594
6/7/08 2:11 P

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TOILET SQUATTING EXERCISE CLASS

~Author Unknown

My mother was a fanatic about public toilets.

As a little girl, she'd bring me in the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat. Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, never sit on a public toilet seat."

And she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat. But by this time, I'd have wet down my leg. And we'd go home.

That was a long time ago. Even now in our more mature years, The Stance is excruciatingly difficult to maintain when one's bladder is especially full.

When you have to "go" in a public bathroom, you find a line of women that makes you think there's a half-price sale on Mel Gibson's underwear in there. So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, also crossing their legs and smiling politely. And you finally get closer.

You check for feet under the stall doors.

Every one is occupied.

Finally, a stall door opens and you dash, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter. You hang your purse on the door hook, yank down your pants and assume "The Stance." Relief. More relief.

Then your thighs begin to shake. You'd love to sit down but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold The Stance as your thighs experience a quake that would register an eight on the Richter scale.

To take your mind off it, you reach for the toilet paper. The toilet paper dispenser is empty. Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on that's in your purse. It would have to do.

You crumble it in the puffiest way possible.

It is still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work and your purse whams you in the head. "Occupied!" you scream as you reach out for the door, dropping your tissue in a puddle and falling backward, directly onto the toilet seat.

You get up quickly, but it's too late.

Your bare bottom has made contact with all the germs and life forms on the bare seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper, not that there was any, even if you had enough time to. And your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, "You don't know what kind of diseases you could get."

And by this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a fountain and then it suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged to China.

At that point, you give up. You're soaked by the splashing water. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a Chicklet wrapper you found in your pocket, then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the sinks with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged and unable to smile politely at this point.

One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long as the Mississippi River!

You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and say warmly, "Here. You might need this."

At this time, you see your spouse, who has entered, used and exited his bathroom and read a copy of War and Peace while waiting for you.

"What took you so long?" he asks, annoyed.

This is when you kick him sharply in the shin and go home.

This is dedicated to all women everywhere who have ever had to deal with a public toilet.

And it finally explains to all you men what takes us so long.


(¨`•.•΄¨) ~ Reba
`•.Έ (¨ `•.•΄¨)
(¨`•.•΄¨) Έ.•΄
`•.Έ.•΄
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I quit smoking Oct. 11, 2008!! Woohoo!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Do a little more each day than you think you possibly can." ~Lowell Thomas
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
REBA1058's Photo REBA1058 Posts: 5,594
6/6/08 9:46 A

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Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"


(¨`•.•΄¨) ~ Reba
`•.Έ (¨ `•.•΄¨)
(¨`•.•΄¨) Έ.•΄
`•.Έ.•΄
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I quit smoking Oct. 11, 2008!! Woohoo!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Do a little more each day than you think you possibly can." ~Lowell Thomas
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LORI127's Photo LORI127 Posts: 688
6/6/08 8:46 A

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Thanks for the great laugh. I needed that!

"The happiest people don't have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything.
So: Live simply
Love Generously
Care Deeply
Speak Kindly"
Schofield


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OMSYMBOL's Photo OMSYMBOL Posts: 433
6/5/08 4:50 P

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hehehe...thanks for the chuckles today!

It's never too late to become what you might have been. - George Eliot

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.


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REBA1058's Photo REBA1058 Posts: 5,594
6/5/08 7:28 A

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Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals, recently accused George, a local man, of being an alcoholic because she saw his truck parked outside the town's only bar.
George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing.

Later that evening, he parked his truck in front of her house and left it there all night.

(¨`•.•΄¨) ~ Reba
`•.Έ (¨ `•.•΄¨)
(¨`•.•΄¨) Έ.•΄
`•.Έ.•΄
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I quit smoking Oct. 11, 2008!! Woohoo!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Do a little more each day than you think you possibly can." ~Lowell Thomas
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
REBA1058's Photo REBA1058 Posts: 5,594
6/3/08 11:03 A

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Two kids went into their parents bathroom and noticed the weigh scale in the corner. “Whatever you do,” cautioned one youngster to the other, “Don’t step on it!”
“Why not?” asked the sibling.
“Because every time mom does, she lets out an awful scream!”

(¨`•.•΄¨) ~ Reba
`•.Έ (¨ `•.•΄¨)
(¨`•.•΄¨) Έ.•΄
`•.Έ.•΄
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I quit smoking Oct. 11, 2008!! Woohoo!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Do a little more each day than you think you possibly can." ~Lowell Thomas
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
REBA1058's Photo REBA1058 Posts: 5,594
6/2/08 7:32 A

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Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!"
"IMPOSSIBLE !" said the groom broom.

WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!!!

(¨`•.•΄¨) ~ Reba
`•.Έ (¨ `•.•΄¨)
(¨`•.•΄¨) Έ.•΄
`•.Έ.•΄
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I quit smoking Oct. 11, 2008!! Woohoo!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Do a little more each day than you think you possibly can." ~Lowell Thomas
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
REBA1058's Photo REBA1058 Posts: 5,594
6/1/08 11:07 A

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A concerned husband went to the doctor to talk about his wife. He said to the doctor, "I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things." "Well," the doctor replied, "go home tonight, stand about 15 feet from her, and say something. If she doesn't reply, move 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this until we get an idea about the severity of her deafness."

The husband went home and did exactly as the doctor had instructed. He started off 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she was chopping some vegetables.

He said, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He heard no response. He moved 5 feet closer and asked again. No reply. He moved 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He finally got fed up and moved right behind her, about an inch away, and asked again, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replied, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"


(¨`•.•΄¨) ~ Reba
`•.Έ (¨ `•.•΄¨)
(¨`•.•΄¨) Έ.•΄
`•.Έ.•΄
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I quit smoking Oct. 11, 2008!! Woohoo!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Do a little more each day than you think you possibly can." ~Lowell Thomas
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FERFER24's Photo FERFER24 SparkPoints: (0)
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5/31/08 10:22 P

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HHAHAHHAHAHAAAAA thats a good one!!!

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LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE

LIVE TO GIVE, KARMA COMES BACK IN TENFOLDS!!!





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POLARIS14's Photo POLARIS14 Posts: 154
5/31/08 10:53 A

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Thanks for sharing, that's too funny! emoticon

Life is not about finding yourself Life is about Creating yourself


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MOMMAD83 Posts: 484
5/31/08 10:42 A

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That is hilarious!!

Amber


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REBA1058's Photo REBA1058 Posts: 5,594
5/31/08 7:56 A

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The other night, I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise," were my last words.

The hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily and around 3 a.m. we piled into a cab and headed to our respective homes, quite inebriated.

Just as I walked through the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times!

Realizing that my husband would probably wake up to this, I quickly cuckooed another 9 times. I was quite pleased with myself for coming up with such a quick witted solution to cover up my tardiness. Even with my impaired judgment, I could count 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos equaled 12 cuckoos!

The next morning, my husband asked me what time I got in, and confidently, I replied, "Midnight...like I promised." He didn't even raise and eyebrow and went on reading the morning paper! Phew! Got away with that one!

After a moment, he then replied, "I think we might need a new cuckoo clock."

A bit nervously, I asked him why, to which he responded:

"Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'Oh, crap,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted."


(¨`•.•΄¨) ~ Reba
`•.Έ (¨ `•.•΄¨)
(¨`•.•΄¨) Έ.•΄
`•.Έ.•΄
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I quit smoking Oct. 11, 2008!! Woohoo!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Do a little more each day than you think you possibly can." ~Lowell Thomas
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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