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9/8/13 8:40 A

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***Warning. . . reading is hazardous to having fun!***

Our seven-year-old daughter was thrilled when we took her to Disney World for the first time and headed straight for Space Mountain. I worried that the roller coaster would be too scary for her, but she insisted. To her delight, we rode it twice.

The next year we returned to the Magic Kingdom, and my daughter, now eight, again dragged me to Space Mountain. As we stood in line, though, I could see her soberly studying the signs that warn about the ride's speed. "Dad," she said, "I don't think I want to go." I asked her why she would be nervous when she had enjoyed herself last time. She replied, "This year, I can read." emoticon

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8/31/13 8:55 A

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This is a little story I got online that I wanted to share. This would make veggie shopping fun!

The Safeway on Arapahoe Rd. in Boulder recently remodeled its produce section. On top of the display cases there are small speakers with strobe lights mounted on them. Just before the water spray (which supposedly keeps their vegetables fresh) begins, a very realistic sound of thunder comes from the speakers and the strobe lights flash. Its worth the trip to the store just to see this. emoticon emoticon

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8/22/13 9:04 A

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This is not a joke but a beautiful quote I want to share.

“Breath by breath, let go of fear, expectation, anger, regret, cravings, frustration, fatigue. Let go of the need for approval. Let go of old judgments and opinions. Die to all that, and fly free. Soar in the freedom of desirelessness.

Let go. Let Be. See through everything and be free, complete, luminous, at home -- at ease.”
― Lama Surya Das, Awakening the Buddha Within: Tibetan Wisdom for the Western World

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8/19/13 1:47 P

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You know it’s August in Florida when:

- Hot water comes out of both taps.

- You find out that a seatbelt buckle makes a pretty nice branding iron.

- The trees are whistling for the dogs.

- You find out that you can get sunburned through your car window.

- You burn your hand opening the car door.

- The temperature drops below 80 and you put on a sweater.

- Shade determines the best parking space, not distance. emoticon

- When you step outside at 7:30 a.m., you break into a sweat.

- Potatoes cook underground. This is convenient because all you have to do is pull one out and add salt, pepper and butter.

- You discover that asphalt has a liquid state. emoticon

- You realize that it only takes two fingers to steer your car. emoticon

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8/17/13 10:27 P

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I knew you would read it, Zzz!! emoticon

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8/17/13 8:36 P

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very cute!

Ezz woman

Strong yet fragile...
To sin by silence makes cowards of men...Abraham Lincoln

Give unto others as you would have others give unto you...

There is a reason and a purpose to everything in life...


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8/17/13 8:39 A

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I love humor so here is another one for you which is cute:

The Michaels family owned a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for generations. Mrs. Michaels, who had just celebrated her ninetieth birthday, lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.

One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"

"What do I think?" his mother said. "Jump at it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!" emoticon emoticon



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6/25/13 3:54 P

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Here is a short one:

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever." emoticon

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6/24/13 6:36 P

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LOL I liked the alligator joke.

Missy

“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” - Joe Girard


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2/18/13 7:14 P

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Aha hahahahahahahahaha....you got me!

Ezz woman

Strong yet fragile...
To sin by silence makes cowards of men...Abraham Lincoln

Give unto others as you would have others give unto you...

There is a reason and a purpose to everything in life...


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2/18/13 7:39 A

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Hi Zzz! Since you are the only one reading the jokes, here is a Florida joke that I think you will like:

The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission is advising hikers, hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in Osceola, Polk, Brevard and Orange Counties. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices; such as, little bells on their clothing, to alert, but not startle, the alligators unexpectedly.

They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator. It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity.

People should recognize the difference between small young alligator and large adult alligator droppings.

Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers.

Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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2/11/13 9:09 P

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Too Funny! emoticon

Ezz woman

Strong yet fragile...
To sin by silence makes cowards of men...Abraham Lincoln

Give unto others as you would have others give unto you...

There is a reason and a purpose to everything in life...


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2/11/13 8:46 A

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It is so true about friends of all ages. Before moving to Florida, my friends were pretty much my age and anyone too much older, was just old. Now it is so different here. emoticon

Here is another one I found which is a little different:

A cop was hiding in his usual spot when he saw a car speed by at 90 mph. Quickly turning on his sirens, the cop pulled over an old lady.

“License and registration please” said the cop in a tough voice.

“I’m sorry” responded the lady “I forgot to ask him where he keeps his registration before I shot him.”

“You what!” Hollered the cop nervously holding onto his gun.”I shot him” she responded “I stuck him in the trunk if you want to see.”

Within 2 minutes there were 8 police cars pulled up behind her and a police talking into a megaphone “Come out of the car with your hands up.”

While one cop watched the lady, another opened the trunk. “Um mam” said the second cop “there’s no dead man in this trunk.”

“Well why would there be?” she asked.

“Excuse me,” said another cop, “this car seems to be registered in your name?”

“Well why wouldn’t it be” repeated the lady.

“Well,” they both responded “the cop said that you told him you killed the owner and put him in the trunk.”

“Humph” said the old lady with a wave of her hand, “I bet that old liar told you I was speeding to!” emoticon

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2/10/13 10:30 P

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Very cute...especially the one about "mountains"...and if I had to pick something positive about Florida it would be friends of all ages...that is a good thing...
Ezz

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2/10/13 9:25 A

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Hi Zzz! More Florida jokes I found online. Here they are:

A good parking place has nothing to do with distance from the store, but everything to do with shade.

You have a drawer full of bathing suits, and one sweatshirt.

A mountain is any hill 100 feet above sea level (I LOVE this one! So true). emoticon

You know the four seasons really are: almost summer, summer, not summer but really hot, and February.

You're younger than thirty but some of your friends are over 65 (something I love about Florida--friends of all ages).

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2/9/13 9:24 P

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emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
I love the Florida jokes...we get them!

Ezz woman

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To sin by silence makes cowards of men...Abraham Lincoln

Give unto others as you would have others give unto you...

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2/8/13 3:37 P

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This is is pretty funny:

A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a rabbi are discussing what they would like people to say after they die and their bodies are on display in open caskets.

Priest: I would like someone to say "He was a righteous man, an honest man, and very generous."

Minister: I would like someone to say "He was very kind and fair, and he was very good to his parishioners."

Rabbi: I would want someone to say "Look, he's moving." emoticon

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2/6/13 8:32 P

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I knew you would appreciate it, even though it is silly, since we both live in Florida. emoticon emoticon

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2/6/13 7:08 P

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I got a good laugh out of that! emoticon

Ezz woman

Strong yet fragile...
To sin by silence makes cowards of men...Abraham Lincoln

Give unto others as you would have others give unto you...

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2/6/13 6:59 P

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I want to share some silly Florida jokes:

1. Anything under 70 degrees is chilly.
2. You can pronounce Okeechobee, Kissimmee , Ichetucknee and Withlacoochee.
3. You know that anything under a Category 3 just isn't worth waking up for (and that's the truth!)
4. You understand why it's better to have a friend with a boat, than have a boat yourself.
5. "Down South" means Key West

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12/16/12 8:45 P

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Love it!

Ezz woman

Strong yet fragile...
To sin by silence makes cowards of men...Abraham Lincoln

Give unto others as you would have others give unto you...

There is a reason and a purpose to everything in life...


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12/16/12 8:28 P

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Hi everybody! I got another funny cat joke. Enjoy! emoticon Chelsea

**A CAT'S THOUGHTS ON PUNISHING YOUR HUMAN BEING**

Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these extreme circumstances, you may have to punish your human. Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating household plants, are likely to backfire; the unsophisticated humans are likely to misinterpret the activities and then try to discipline YOU. Instead, we offer these subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives:

Use the cat box during an important formal dinner.

Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a romantic interlude.

Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and feign a hairball attack.

After your human has watched a particularly disturbing horror film, stand by the hall closet and then slowly back away, hissing and yowling.

While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.

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12/7/12 5:16 A

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that is the best, Chelsea! I got a good laugh out of it....


Ezz woman

Strong yet fragile...
To sin by silence makes cowards of men...Abraham Lincoln

Give unto others as you would have others give unto you...

There is a reason and a purpose to everything in life...


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12/6/12 9:44 A

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CAT JOKE - "Cat's Diary"

Cat Diary

Joke submitted by: Anonymous

Day 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Day 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair . . . must try this on their bed.

Day 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

Day 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was . . . Hmmm. Not working according to plan . . .

Day 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included
a burning foaming chemical called "shampoo". What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

Day 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies". Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

Day 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time . . .

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5/24/12 6:50 P

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I saw this recently, and for some reason it just cracks me up:

I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals..............

I just hate plants!

emoticon Kelly

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10/30/11 3:02 A

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This is one of my favorites

A boy and his parents were at the park one day when they saw 2 dogs doing the naughty

The boys asked "Daddy, daddy, what are they doing??"

"Son, they are making puppies" The boy says "oh, ok"

That night he walks in on mom and dad doing their thing

The boy asks "daddy, daddy, what are you doing??"

"Son, we are making a baby"

The boy thinks for a minute and then says "Mom, turn over, I would rather have puppies"

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8/24/11 1:20 P

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OMG! Those siblings must not like to visit thier parents??? Shame shmae on them..... Very FUNNY Joke!!!! made my day!! emoticon

Student Dolly Gryffindor
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8/21/11 7:57 P

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I knew I had a retirement fund somewhere.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago,
you would have $49.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would
have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year
ago, you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank
all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund,
you would have received $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink
heavily & recycle.

It is called the 401-Keg.
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of
alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41
miles to the gallon!
Makes you damned proud to be an America


Ezz woman

Strong yet fragile...
To sin by silence makes cowards of men...Abraham Lincoln

Give unto others as you would have others give unto you...

There is a reason and a purpose to everything in life...


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8/21/11 5:21 P

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great joke esmerelda!!

"You have to believe in yourself when no one else does. That's what makes you a winner." - Venus Williams

"I am who I am today because of the choices I made yesterday." -Eleanor Roosevelt


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8/16/11 5:24 P

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This is another cute one !



PREGNANT AT 71
A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors.

After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relin another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

"What the heck is the matter with you?!"the older doctor demanded."

Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,

Young Doctor says Does she still have the hiccups?"


Ezz woman

Strong yet fragile...
To sin by silence makes cowards of men...Abraham Lincoln

Give unto others as you would have others give unto you...

There is a reason and a purpose to everything in life...


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8/10/11 3:26 P

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I would never have guessed it was Dirt Devil Vacs! emoticon

Ezz woman

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To sin by silence makes cowards of men...Abraham Lincoln

Give unto others as you would have others give unto you...

There is a reason and a purpose to everything in life...


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8/10/11 9:25 A

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Ezz, now THAT was some commercial! emoticon emoticon

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8/10/11 9:22 A

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The Indians asked their Chief in autumn, if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.

Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?" The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed." So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a VERY cold winter?" "Yes", the man replied, "its going to be a very cold winter." So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find.

Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure, that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely" the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!" emoticon

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7/23/11 9:38 P

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vimeo.com/22984504

a crazy video! A commercial

Ezz woman

Strong yet fragile...
To sin by silence makes cowards of men...Abraham Lincoln

Give unto others as you would have others give unto you...

There is a reason and a purpose to everything in life...


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7/20/11 11:46 A

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Shampoo Warning
I just discovered this important info below.
Please share with all your friends.
I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!!!!!
It's the shampoo I use in the shower!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and (duh!)
Printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning: FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY.
No WONDER I have been gaining weight!!!

Well, I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap instead.
Its label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."
Problem solved!
If I don't answer the phone . . . I'll be in the shower!

Ezz woman

Strong yet fragile...
To sin by silence makes cowards of men...Abraham Lincoln

Give unto others as you would have others give unto you...

There is a reason and a purpose to everything in life...


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7/15/11 11:23 A

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Another cute one!
www.wimp.com/disappearingprank/

Ezz woman

Strong yet fragile...
To sin by silence makes cowards of men...Abraham Lincoln

Give unto others as you would have others give unto you...

There is a reason and a purpose to everything in life...


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ESMERELDA1220's Photo ESMERELDA1220 Posts: 3,214
7/13/11 6:25 P

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These are Cute!



Blonde Jokes !
DISNEYLAND
Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.

FLORIDA OR MOON
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

CAR
TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
SPEEDING
TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'
RIVER
WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
BLONDE
ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'
IN A
VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'












Ezz woman

Strong yet fragile...
To sin by silence makes cowards of men...Abraham Lincoln

Give unto others as you would have others give unto you...

There is a reason and a purpose to everything in life...


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ESMERELDA1220's Photo ESMERELDA1220 Posts: 3,214
7/9/11 1:52 P

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Now this is really awesome too!


inoyan.narod.ru/kaleidoskop.swf

its a kaleidoscope!

Ezz woman

Strong yet fragile...
To sin by silence makes cowards of men...Abraham Lincoln

Give unto others as you would have others give unto you...

There is a reason and a purpose to everything in life...


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ESMERELDA1220's Photo ESMERELDA1220 Posts: 3,214
7/6/11 5:45 P

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This takes 3 minutes
Video of the 50 states ~ it's awesome!

When you click your mouse, the outline of the United States will appear and frame all of the pictures slowly, in a slide type presentation. Each scene is titled. The title is listed just below the southern tip of Texas . You may have to scroll down just a fraction so it shows on your computer.

Put your speakers on in a low tone, to go along with the mood that is created.
Make sure your sound is on. Absolutely beautiful!!!
oldbluewebdesigns.com/mybeautifulame
ri
ca.htm


Ezz woman

Strong yet fragile...
To sin by silence makes cowards of men...Abraham Lincoln

Give unto others as you would have others give unto you...

There is a reason and a purpose to everything in life...


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ESMERELDA1220's Photo ESMERELDA1220 Posts: 3,214
7/1/11 3:58 P

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Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

The older one leaned over and said, ''Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!''

''You're on!'' said the other old lady, holding up a $10.00 note.

The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and completely naked,
out of her clothes and completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.

Finally, the smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.

''What happened?'' asked her waiting friend.

''I won $1000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement'.''

Ezz woman

Strong yet fragile...
To sin by silence makes cowards of men...Abraham Lincoln

Give unto others as you would have others give unto you...

There is a reason and a purpose to everything in life...


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6/29/11 9:30 A

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Another "blonde" joke



A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat who was hiding in the grass.

She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to WAL-MART


Why WAL-MART??
HELLOOOOOOOOO!

scroll down






WAL-MART is the largest re-tailer in the world!!!



Ezz woman

Strong yet fragile...
To sin by silence makes cowards of men...Abraham Lincoln

Give unto others as you would have others give unto you...

There is a reason and a purpose to everything in life...


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ESMERELDA1220's Photo ESMERELDA1220 Posts: 3,214
6/26/11 8:14 P

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This is funny...
Wonderful English from Around the World

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge , Norway :
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctors office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok :

DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi :
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES .
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR..
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel , Yugoslavia :
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID..

Hotel , Japan :
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ONOURBLACKFORESTCAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE..

Hotel, Zurich :
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
A laundry in Rome :
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOONHAVING A GOOD TIME..
And finally, a sign in in an Alabama Motel:
WIVES FIRST NAMES TO BE REGISTERED AT CHECK-IN, EVEN IF SOMEBODY ELSE'S WIFE...


emoticon

Ezz woman

Strong yet fragile...
To sin by silence makes cowards of men...Abraham Lincoln

Give unto others as you would have others give unto you...

There is a reason and a purpose to everything in life...


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ESMERELDA1220's Photo ESMERELDA1220 Posts: 3,214
6/22/11 1:31 P

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www.castanet.net/news/Offbeat/62184/
Pi
tbull-vs-kitten



Enjoy!
Ezz

Ezz woman

Strong yet fragile...
To sin by silence makes cowards of men...Abraham Lincoln

Give unto others as you would have others give unto you...

There is a reason and a purpose to everything in life...


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ESMERELDA1220's Photo ESMERELDA1220 Posts: 3,214
5/9/11 9:57 A

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producten.hema.nl/

This is really adorable...its from a dept store in the Netherlands...its their home page...just sit back and let it load and watch it go....and enjoy!

Ezz woman

Strong yet fragile...
To sin by silence makes cowards of men...Abraham Lincoln

Give unto others as you would have others give unto you...

There is a reason and a purpose to everything in life...


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ESMERELDA1220's Photo ESMERELDA1220 Posts: 3,214
5/5/11 11:28 A

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The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.


Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which
readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms. someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.




Ezz woman

Strong yet fragile...
To sin by silence makes cowards of men...Abraham Lincoln

Give unto others as you would have others give unto you...

There is a reason and a purpose to everything in life...


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ESMERELDA1220's Photo ESMERELDA1220 Posts: 3,214
4/22/11 11:22 A

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All I need to know

I learned from the Easter Bunny!

Don't put all your eggs in one basket.
Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
There's no such thing as too much candy.
All work and no play can make you a basket case.
A cute tail attracts a lot of attention.
Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.
Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.

Some body parts should be floppy.
Keep your paws off of other people's jelly beans.
Good things come in small, sugar coated packages.
The grass is always greener in someone else's basket.

To show your true colors, you have to come out of the shell.

The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.

May the joy of the season fill your heart.

AND MAY GOD BLESS YOU!

Happy Easter!

emoticon

Ezz woman

Strong yet fragile...
To sin by silence makes cowards of men...Abraham Lincoln

Give unto others as you would have others give unto you...

There is a reason and a purpose to everything in life...


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ESMERELDA1220's Photo ESMERELDA1220 Posts: 3,214
4/20/11 11:43 A

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Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins
On the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?
Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic Bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will Mate for life, as well
as maintaining a form of Compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members

Of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes
In the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is
Deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle
Around the fresh grave
and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow"
" Freeze a jolly good fellow."

"Then they kick him in the ice hole."



You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?
Hey...I just get them from a friend of mine... emoticon

Ezz woman

Strong yet fragile...
To sin by silence makes cowards of men...Abraham Lincoln

Give unto others as you would have others give unto you...

There is a reason and a purpose to everything in life...


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ESMERELDA1220's Photo ESMERELDA1220 Posts: 3,214
3/25/11 7:06 P

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www.vatican.va/various/cappelle/sist
in
a_vr/index.htm



This is so cool...it is the Sistine Chapel and you can go all around it and zoom in and out!

Ezz woman

Strong yet fragile...
To sin by silence makes cowards of men...Abraham Lincoln

Give unto others as you would have others give unto you...

There is a reason and a purpose to everything in life...


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ESMERELDA1220's Photo ESMERELDA1220 Posts: 3,214
3/3/11 11:19 A

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This is so good!

Some of these are worth thinking about.




Ponderisms-Just a couple of repeats!
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water?
Try spelling Evian backwards : NAIVE
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
3. OK ..... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea does that mean that one enjoys it?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
9 Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
*~*~*~*~*~*! ~*~*~*~*
12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ... they're cramming for their final exam.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
*~*~*~*~! *~*~*~*~ *~*
18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
20. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
21 If a cow laughed, would she spew milk out of her nose?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
22. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
23. At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells ... 'THEIRS'?







Ezz woman

Strong yet fragile...
To sin by silence makes cowards of men...Abraham Lincoln

Give unto others as you would have others give unto you...

There is a reason and a purpose to everything in life...


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2/23/11 1:18 P

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This isn't exactly a joke, but worth passing on....
An Obituary printed in the London Times - Interesting and sadly true


Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has

been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his

birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be

remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;

- Why the early bird gets the worm;

- Life isn't always fair;

- and Maybe it was my fault.


Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more

than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in

charge).


His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but

overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy

charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from

school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding

an unruly student, only worsened his condition.



Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job

that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.


It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent

to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform

parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.


Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and

criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar

in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.


Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to

realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her

lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his

wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;

I Know My Rights

I Want It Now

Someone Else Is To Blame

I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
emoticon emoticon

Ezz woman

Strong yet fragile...
To sin by silence makes cowards of men...Abraham Lincoln

Give unto others as you would have others give unto you...

There is a reason and a purpose to everything in life...


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1/19/11 9:44 A

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That is a good laugh emoticon

Ezz woman

Strong yet fragile...
To sin by silence makes cowards of men...Abraham Lincoln

Give unto others as you would have others give unto you...

There is a reason and a purpose to everything in life...


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1/19/11 7:05 A

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Ezz, I have found some great jokes with pictures too but unless I add a link here, the picture won't show. I know. emoticon

This next joke, for some reason, made me laugh this morning and it is dumb! I hope you all find it funny too:

Out in Kansas, tornadoes often hit with sudden devastation, and without warning. In one case, a house was completely whisked away, leaving only the foundation and first floor.

A silver-haired farm lady was seen sitting dazed, in a bathtub, the only remaining part of the house left above the floor. The rescue squad rushed to her aid and found her unhurt. She was just sitting there in the tub, talking to herself.

"It was the most amazing thing ... it was the most amazing thing." she kept repeating dazedly.

"What was the most amazing thing, Ma'am?" asked one of the rescuers.

"I was visiting my daughter here, taking a bath, and all I did was pull the plug and dog-gone-it if the whole house didn't suddenly drain away." emoticon emoticon

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1/18/11 10:52 A

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Too funny! I get mine from a neighbor and some of them have pictures, but they don't copy and paste well Boohoo!

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Great entries, Ezz! I LOVE the one about how women gain weight! And I copied and pasted your last one and sent it to friends via email. It is really interesting. Thanks for finding it and sharing it.

A cute weather joke:

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a new Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.

He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked,

"Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again.

"Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again.

"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy!" emoticon emoticon

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1/17/11 10:11 A

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That’s only 56 years ago! 
Comments made in the year 1955!

‘I’ll tell you one thing, if things 
keep going the way they are, 
it’s going to be impossible to 
buy a week’s groceries for $10.00. ‘




 

‘Have you seen the new cars 
coming out next year?  It won’t 
be long before $1, 000.00 will 
only buy a used one.’   


 




 


 

‘If cigarettes keep going up in 
price, I’m going to quit; 20 cents 
a pack is ridiculous. ‘



‘Did you hear the post office is 
thinking about charging 7 cents 
just to mail a letter.’



‘If they raise the minimum wage 
to $1.00, nobody will be able to 
hire outside help at the store.’



‘When I first started driving, who 
would have thought gas would 
someday cost 25 cents a gallon. 
Guess we’d be better off leaving 
the car in the garage.’



‘I’m afraid to send my kids to the 
movies any more.  Ever since they 
let Clark Gable get by with saying 
DAMN in ‘GONE WITH THE WIND’, 
it seems every new movie has 
either HELL or DAMN in it.’


 

‘I read the other day where some 
scientist thinks it’s possible to put 
a man on the moon by the end of 
the century.. They even have some 
fellows they call astronauts 
preparing for it down in Texas.’



‘Did you see where some baseball 
player just signed a contract for 
$50,000 a year just to play ball? 
It wouldn’t surprise me if someday 
they’ll be making more than the 
President. ‘



‘I never thought I’d see the day 
all our kitchen appliances would 
be electric.  They are even making 
electric typewriters now. ‘



‘It’s too bad things are so tough 
nowadays.  I see where a few 
married women are having to 
work to make ends meet. ‘



‘It won’t be long before young 
couples are going to have to hire 
someone to watch their kids so 
they can both work..’



‘I’m afraid the Volkswagen car 
is going to open the door to a 
whole lot of foreign business.’



‘Thank goodness I won’t live to 
see the day when the Government 
takes half our income in taxes.  I 
sometimes wonder if we are 
electing the best people to 
government.’




 

‘The drive-in restaurant is 
convenient in nice weather, 
but I seriously doubt they 
will ever catch on.’




 

‘There is no sense going on short 
trips anymore for a weekend.  It 
costs nearly $2.00 a night to stay 
in a hotel.’



‘No one can afford to be sick 
anymore.  At $15.00 a day in 
the hospital, it’s too rich for 
my blood.’




 

‘If they think I’ll pay 30 cents 
for a hair cut, forget it.’




Know any friends 
who would get a 
kick out of these, 
pass this on!

Be sure and send it 
to your kids and grandkids, too!


Edited by: ESMERELDA1220 at: 1/17/2011 (10:12)
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To sin by silence makes cowards of men...Abraham Lincoln

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1/14/11 5:20 P

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finally a good explanation!



With time, women gain weight because

we accumulate so much information and
wisdom in our heads that when there
is no more room, it distributes out
to the rest of our bodies.

So we aren't heavy, we are enormously
cultured, educated and happy.
Beginning today,
when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think,
"Good grief, look how smart I am!"


Must be where "Smart Ass" came from!


My girlfriend sent me this....I get some good ones, but they have pictures and I don't know how to copy those....

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1/7/11 9:12 P

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That is fantastic...I needed good laugh...

Ezz woman

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To sin by silence makes cowards of men...Abraham Lincoln

Give unto others as you would have others give unto you...

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That is soo funny. I needed that today!!

Nycki :)

Need some help reaching our fundraising goal. Every little bit helps. Please pass on the link to anyone or any business that may be interested in helping. Looking forward to reaching our fundraising goal and gaining my independence with a service dog. New future - new possibilities


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Ezz!!!! Now that the holidays are over, hopefully, some calmness will come to all of us, especially you! emoticon emoticon

Okay, here is a "senior moment" TRUE story. I'm having some memory problems and why not laugh? Enjoy!

This is a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida ...

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why...For the same reason she did not understand why there was a football, a frisbee and two 12 packs in the front seat...

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

Incredible!

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12/21/10 9:08 P

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OK! This is from a friend of mine ...
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.
By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.
Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, a box of chocolates, and a half bottle of scotch.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.
Pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.


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12/21/10 6:41 A

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I like it! I got a little touch of the Christmas spirit. Thanks!

"Christmas Turkey"

It was Christmas Eve in at the meat counter and a woman was anxiously picking over the last few remaining turkeys in the hope of finding a large one.

In desperation she called over a shop assistant and said, 'Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

'No, madam, 'he replied, 'they're all dead.' emoticon emoticon

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12/16/10 8:03 P

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This is a variation of a Christmas Poem we all know and love...I hope..."Twas the Night Before Christmas"Twas the night before Christmas & out on the ranch
The pond was froze over & so was the branch.
The snow was piled up belly-deep to a mule.
The kids were all home on vacation from school,
And happier young folks you never did see-
Just all sprawled around a-watchin' TV.
Then suddenly, some time around 8 o'clock,
There came a surprise that gave them a shock!
The power went off, the TV went dead!
When Grandpa came in from out in the shed
With an armload of wood, the house was all dark.
"Just what I expected," they heard him remark.
"Them power line wires must be down from the snow.
Seems sorter like times on the ranch long ago."
"I'll hunt up some candles," said Mom. "With their light,
And the fireplace, I reckon we'll make out all right."
The teen-agers all seemed enveloped in gloom.
Then Grandpa came back from a trip to his room,
Uncased his old fiddle & started to play
That old Christmas song about bells on a sleigh.
Mom started to sing, & 1st thing they knew
Both Pop & the kids were all singing it, too.
They sang Christmas carols, they sang "Holy Night,"
Their eyes all a-shine in the ruddy firelight.
They played some charades Mom recalled from her youth,
And Pop read a passage from God's Book of Truth.
They stayed up till midnight-and, would you believe,
The youngsters agreed 'twas a fine Christmas Eve.
Grandpa rose early, some time before dawn;
And when the kids wakened, the power was on..
"The power company sure got the line repaired quick,"
Said Grandpa - & no one suspected his trick.
Last night, for the sake of some old-fashioned fun,
He had pulled the main switch - the old Son-of-a-Gun!

Remembering Grandpas everywhere at Christmas time.




Ezz woman

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To sin by silence makes cowards of men...Abraham Lincoln

Give unto others as you would have others give unto you...

There is a reason and a purpose to everything in life...


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12/11/10 8:24 P

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Very cute and very true...All women and they knew how to ask for directions...LOL!

Oh a little yuk...Don't you know that when God created man she was only joking! emoticon emoticon

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To sin by silence makes cowards of men...Abraham Lincoln

Give unto others as you would have others give unto you...

There is a reason and a purpose to everything in life...


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12/7/10 8:17 A

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Those are good. It took a second to understand both (a little slow today).

*Rudolf to Blitzen*

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year (the only members of the deer family, Cervidae, to have females do so). Male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December.

Female reindeer, however, retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolf to Blitzen.... had to be a female.

We should've known this when when they were able to find their way. emoticon emoticon Sorry guys!

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12/3/10 7:45 P

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Belly laugh! emoticon

Ezz woman

Strong yet fragile...
To sin by silence makes cowards of men...Abraham Lincoln

Give unto others as you would have others give unto you...

There is a reason and a purpose to everything in life...


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12/3/10 4:10 P

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A COWBOY & ST PETER

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the s--t out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago.'


Sometimes change just means it's time for a new normal.
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12/1/10 10:02 A

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I found the cat trivia to be very interesting! Wow! Amazing actually...I love cats very much...
Here's a funny from one of my friends


A frog goes into a bank ...

... and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this
back office.She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(folks, you're gonna luv this.)

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog
a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."
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Give unto others as you would have others give unto you...

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12/1/10 9:31 A

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Interesting trivia about famous people. I enjoyed it. Sometimes I like to read about things like that. Thanks!

About my favorite pet - CATS! Some very fun trivia. Enjoy!

*Both humans and cats have identical regions in the brain responsible for emotion.
*A cat's brain is more similar to a person's brain than that of a dog.
*The cat's clavicle, or collarbone, does not connect with other bones but is buried in the muscles of the shoulder region. This lack of a functioning collarbone allows them to fit through any opening the size of their head.
*Cats have 32 muscles that control the outer ear (compared to human's 6 muscles each). A cat can rotate its ears independently 180 degrees, and can turn in the direction of sound 10 times faster than those of the best watchdog.
*Cats' hearing is much more sensitive than humans and dogs. Cats' hearing stops at 65 khz (kilohertz); humans' hearing stops at 20 khz.
*A cat sees about 6 times better than a human at night, and needs 1/6 the amount of of light that a human does - it has a layer of extra reflecting cells which absorb light.
*Cats can judge within 3 inches the precise location of a sound being made 1 yard away.
*Cats can be right-pawed or left-pawed.
*A cat cannot see directly under its nose.
*Almost 10% of a cat's bones are in its tail, and the tail is used to maintain balance. (NOTE: I adopted my cat Baby with part of his tail broken from abuse. Now, I give him LOTS of love!)
*The domestic cat is the only species able to hold its tail vertically while walking. You can also learn about your cat's present state of mind by observing the posture of his tail.
*A cat has approximately 60 to 80 million olfactory cells (a human has between 5 and 20 million). Also, cats have a special scent organ located in the roof of their mouth, called the Jacobson's organ. It analyzes smells - and is the reason why you will sometimes see your cat "sneer" (called the flehmen response or flehming) when they encounter a strong odor.
*A cat has a total of 24 whiskers, 4 rows of whiskers on each side. The upper two rows can move independently of the bottom two rows. A cat uses its whiskers for measuring distances. The whiskers of a cat are capable of registering very small changes in air pressure.
*Cats lap liquid from the underside of their tongue, not from the top.
*Cats purr at the same frequency as an idling diesel engine, about 26 cycles per second.
*Cats walk on their toes. (NOTE: That's why I think de-clawing is cruel. My male cat had been declawed and his tail broken by the time he was 1 year old. I give him lots of love, treats and toys).
*A domestic cat can sprint at about 31 miles per hour.
*Normal body temperature for a cat is 102 degrees F.
*A cat's normal pulse is 140-240 beats per minute, with an average of 195.
*Cat's urine glows under a black light. :-D
*Cats lose almost as much fluid in the saliva while grooming themselves as they do through urination.

Enjoy!

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11/25/10 11:58 A

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Some Trivia


Nicolas Cage started life as Nicholas Coppola, but changed it to disassociate himself with famous film director Uncle Francis Ford Coppola. The name 'Cage' came from the comic book character 'Luke Cage'.


Red Buttons was originally known as Aaron Chwatt. The idea for his new name came from his hair colour and the 48 buttons on his bellboy's uniform.


Bette Davis started out as Ruth Davis but changed to Bette after Balzac's cousin Bette.


The Phantom of the Opera star was once called Michael Dumble-Smith. The unsurprising desire for a name change was concluded after he saw a passing Crawford's buscuit lorry.


The former Roy Scherer became Rock Hudson after his agent searched the globe for an alternative, coming up with an amalgamation of the Hudson River and the Rock of Gibraltar.


Orginally Susan Weaver, Sigourney picked out her unusual new name from a character in the novel, The Great Gatsby.


Oprah is actually a typo. Her parents wanted to use the biblical name Orpah, but the midwife couldn't spell so it became Oprah.


Friends star Luke Perry was originally Coy Luther Perry but changed to Luke after the character in his favourite movie, Cool Hand Luke.


Originally Doris Von Kappellof, Doris followed the wise advice of band leader Barney Rapp and changed her name. She used to sing the song 'Day after Day' for him.



Born Frank Cooper, his agent persuaded him to change to Gary after the agent's home town - Gary, Indiana.
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Love the Quotes!

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To sin by silence makes cowards of men...Abraham Lincoln

Give unto others as you would have others give unto you...

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11/25/10 10:48 A

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I LOVE IT! (Sorry guys.....) It is very funny. Thanks!

*FUNNY THANKSGIVING QUOTES)*

Funny Thanksgiving quotes from a variety of sources:

Irv Kupcinet: "An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day."

William Jennings Bryan: "On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence."

Arnold Schwarzenegger: "I love Thanksgiving turkey… it’s the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts."

Kevin James: "Thanksgiving, man! Not a good day to be my pants."

Erma Bombeck: "Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence."

Rita Rudner: "My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow."

Erma Bombeck: "What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?"

Johnny Carson: "Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often."

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

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11/24/10 7:11 P

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Ohhhhhhhhhhhh Myyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! emoticon
here's one for us women!
1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.


17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.
Yay! emoticon

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BOLLINGER25's Photo BOLLINGER25 Posts: 359
11/24/10 4:14 P

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Those are baaad! emoticon

Sometimes change just means it's time for a new normal.
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It took me a second to get it and I thought, "that's terrible!" emoticon emoticon Thanks!

Okay, for Thanksgiving:

Joke #1: Spot the Big Turkey
"A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

"The stock boy answered, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'"
(I know, I know) emoticon

Joke #2: Those Ancestors!
"The Taylor's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had travelled to America with the Pilgrim Fathers on the Mayflower. They had included Congressmen, successful entrepreneurs, famous sports people and television stars.

"They decided to research and write a family history, something for their children and grandchildren. They found a specialist genealogist and writer to help them. Only one problem arose - how to handle Great Uncle Jefferson Taylor who was executed in the electric chair.

"The writer said she could handle the story tactfully. When the book appeared the section about Jefferson read:

"'Great Uncle Jefferson Taylor occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, he was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock.'"

Enjoy!

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ESMERELDA1220's Photo ESMERELDA1220 Posts: 3,214
11/22/10 8:25 P

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Excellent! emoticon

Ezz woman

Strong yet fragile...
To sin by silence makes cowards of men...Abraham Lincoln

Give unto others as you would have others give unto you...

There is a reason and a purpose to everything in life...


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BOLLINGER25's Photo BOLLINGER25 Posts: 359
11/22/10 7:07 P

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BAD Parrot


A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The
parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious
and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to
change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only
polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could
think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the
parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation,
threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the
freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked
and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard
for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened
the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out
onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I
may have offended you with my rude language and
actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my
inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do
everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a
dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very
softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

HAPPY THANKSGIVING (EARLY)!

Sometimes change just means it's time for a new normal.
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11/20/10 9:08 A

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Thanks Ezz! I saved this one in my computer since it is too funny. emoticon Living in FL this joke is especially funny. Bollinger, thanks for sharing the little song. That will extra funny for children.

My share of joke for today:

A man in Florida, in his 80s, calls his son in New York one November day.

The father says to the son, “I hate to tell you, but we’ve got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can’t stand each other anymore, and we’re getting a divorce. I’ve had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I’m telling you now, so you and your sister shouldn’t go into shock later when I move out.”

He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in the Hamptons and tells her the news.

The sister says, “I’ll handle this.”

She calls Florida and says to her father, “Don’t do ANYTHING till we get there! We’ll be there Wednesday night.”

The father agrees, “All right.”

The old man hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, “Okay, they’re coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?”

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BOLLINGER25's Photo BOLLINGER25 Posts: 359
11/19/10 11:25 P

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The classified ads at the bottom of this page made me laugh. Thought I'd pass it on.
www.innocentenglish.com/funny-bloope
rs
-mistakes-quotes/funny-classifieds.html


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ESMERELDA1220's Photo ESMERELDA1220 Posts: 3,214
11/19/10 5:04 P

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That was really good! Very Funny with a moral to it...
I got this from a friend of mine who sends me "Maine" Jokes...
Its for the "Seniors"....
1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember..

6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..

8. Make all the noise you want....the neighbors are deaf, too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

.. . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . .. . . . ... . . . . . . . . . . .



Ezz woman

Strong yet fragile...
To sin by silence makes cowards of men...Abraham Lincoln

Give unto others as you would have others give unto you...

There is a reason and a purpose to everything in life...


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11/19/10 9:58 A

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I am shaking my head, Ezz! emoticon I think they are both dense, the brunette too. emoticon
Joke for today:

*NOT THAT YOU'D EVER NOTICE IT*
(This joke is a bit lengthy, but well worth the time):

A young bachelor farmer from the Eastern Shore of Maryland had developed a reputation for being a perfectionist. When planting corn, the rows had to be exactly 16 and a half inches apart . . . . not 16 and a quarter, not 16 and three quarters . . . . but exactly 16 and a half inches. When he built a new wooden fence for his horses, the top rail of the fence had to be exactly 48 inches from ground level at all points. Neighbors would drive by and see him out in the field several time a week measuring the top rail of the fence with a laser device and they would just shake their heads. Make no mistake about it, this bachelor farmer was a perfectionist.

When he turned 23 years old, he decided there were no suitable young ladies for him anywhere on the Eastern Shore. He dated dozens of young women from Pocomoke City to Dover and never seemed to find that one perfect woman. There was always something that disqualified a girl from being his perfect mate.

So he decided to travel out to the corn belt and see if he could find the ideal farm girl, the one that was perfect in every way. He drove the back roads of Iowa, Illinois and Indiana where he scouted for the perfect woman. While traveling through southern Nebraska one afternoon, he came upon a quaint, well-kept little farmstead where three young ladies were outside enjoying the brilliant, sunny day. He stopped and discovered the three young ladies were all sisters . . . and all were single. They were beautiful, intelligent, feminine in some respects and tom-boyish in other respects. They were knowledgeable about life on the farm and seemed to be fine, outstanding young ladies. So he decided to ask the girl's father if he could date them . . . one at a time of course. He told the father he was looking for his perfect bride and the father responded that all three girls were indeed available.

So he took the first sister out and had the time of his life. She was bright, witty, and fun to be with. But when he returned the girl home, he told the girl's father that, although she was very close to perfection, she was just a wee bit . . . not that you'd ever notice it . . . pigeon-toed.

He then took the second sister out on a date and the two had a great time, talking into the wee hours of the morning and hitting it off wonderfully. But when he returned this sister home, he told the girl's father that, she also was very close to perfection, but she was just a wee bit . . . not that you'd ever notice it . . . cross-eyed.

So finally he took the third sister out and knew immediately that he had found the perfect woman. In every way, she was the bride of his dreams.

So they got married a few weeks later and moved back to the Eastern Shore of Maryland where they established their home. Life was good. The corn harvest was huge that fall and prices were better than anyone had seen for several years. Everything seemed to be going perfect, especially when the couple found out they were expecting their first child. The pregnancy went well, and the following summer, the couple gave birth to a healthy baby. But when the new father looked at his child for the first time, he determined this was the ugliest baby he had ever seen. "How could this happen? I went to all that trouble to find the perfect wife and now she gives me this baby that has to be the ugliest child on the planet." The young man was clearly upset.

He immediately got into his truck and drove all the way to the Nebraska farmhouse where he confronted the girl's father and demanded an explanation.

The father responded "Well, you may not have noticed it . . . it was ever so slight . . . . but when you married her, she was just a wee bit . . . not that you'd ever notice it . . . pregnant." emoticon emoticon emoticon

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ESMERELDA1220's Photo ESMERELDA1220 Posts: 3,214
11/17/10 5:41 P

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Super! emoticon

Ezz woman

Strong yet fragile...
To sin by silence makes cowards of men...Abraham Lincoln

Give unto others as you would have others give unto you...

There is a reason and a purpose to everything in life...


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BOLLINGER25's Photo BOLLINGER25 Posts: 359
11/17/10 10:40 A

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I thought this was funny. These grandmas just discovered Photo Booth.

www.wimp.com/grandmasdiscover/

Sometimes change just means it's time for a new normal.
ESMERELDA1220's Photo ESMERELDA1220 Posts: 3,214
11/15/10 7:02 P

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Oh That was so good! emoticon

A BLOND JOKE...
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.

Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde, she'll read it very slow."

Ezz woman

Strong yet fragile...
To sin by silence makes cowards of men...Abraham Lincoln

Give unto others as you would have others give unto you...

There is a reason and a purpose to everything in life...


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11/15/10 5:53 P

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Walmartian? Interesting!

More British jokes:

*God Save The Queen*

The Queen of England was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the Royal Stables when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored.

'Oh dear,' said the Queen, 'How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that.'

'It's quite understandable,' said the archbishop, and after a moment added, 'as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse.' emoticon

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ESMERELDA1220's Photo ESMERELDA1220 Posts: 3,214
11/14/10 10:52 A

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I saw a "Walmartian" in Target! How I wish I had a camera that day! Its become addicting...

Ezz woman

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To sin by silence makes cowards of men...Abraham Lincoln

Give unto others as you would have others give unto you...

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11/14/10 8:03 A

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CRITTLEDOLL: I had to laugh because I never thought of me being a part of the Walmart stories. I hope not! emoticon emoticon
I have a funny video where some of the jokes are about Walmart and shopping in America, among others: www.dailycomedy.com/hottopic/Walmart
/v
ideos
Enjoy! emoticon

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CRITTLEDOLL's Photo CRITTLEDOLL Posts: 310
11/13/10 1:39 P

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Esmerelda1220 there is a website called
peopleofwalmart.com and you can see all of the unusual people that go through Walmart plus there are stories people share of things that have happened to them in Walmart. Sometimes I check it just to make sure I'm not on it. emoticon

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ESMERELDA1220's Photo ESMERELDA1220 Posts: 3,214
11/12/10 10:04 P

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emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
My girlfriend sent me an email with the unusual people how come through Walmart...I wish there was a way to share it as its hysterical!


Ezz woman

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To sin by silence makes cowards of men...Abraham Lincoln

Give unto others as you would have others give unto you...

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11/12/10 11:30 A

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That's SO funny! I am laughing out loud. emoticon emoticon That's funny. For you, Ezz, and all who love medical jokes. Found it online:

*HEART DISEASE EXPLAINED*

Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you!!!!!
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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