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3/28/15 9:04 A

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emoticon ...... or something like that ........................ emoticon

~Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless." .... Mother Teresa

~ What I do today shapes my tomorrow. ~I will seize the day~

~To gain friends is to first become a friend~


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3/28/15 6:55 A

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There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


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FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 38,263
3/28/15 5:01 A

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A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform
the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was
no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his
word, he made the first contact: "Marion, Marion."

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's
off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then
have sex a couple of more times.. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud -- lots
of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex
the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and
then the next day it starts all over again".

"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"

"No... I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona."



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3/27/15 11:05 A

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Good ones! emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


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FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 38,263
3/27/15 5:10 A

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Hahahahaha!

A man went into the Doctors' office and said to the Doctor "Doctor I have lettuce growing out of my ass"

The Doctor takes one look and says "I can see and that is just the tip of the iceberg"




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3/26/15 9:30 P

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Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. - Oscar Wilde

Noreen


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3/26/15 10:50 A

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emoticon Within certain weight limits!

Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. - Oscar Wilde

Noreen


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3/26/15 10:42 A

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There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


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FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 38,263
3/26/15 6:41 A

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When vultures fly, are they allowed carrion luggage?




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3/25/15 10:59 A

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Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. - Oscar Wilde

Noreen


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3/25/15 10:56 A

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There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


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3/25/15 9:09 A

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Ouch! emoticon .......... emoticon

~Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless." .... Mother Teresa

~ What I do today shapes my tomorrow. ~I will seize the day~

~To gain friends is to first become a friend~


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FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 38,263
3/25/15 4:50 A

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There was this lady who took her dog to the vet because he didn't seem to be able to hear properly.

The vet examined the dog and cut a huge amount of hair out of his ears and told the lady to buy some Nair from the pharmacy and use it once a month to keep the hair away.

Well the lady went to the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist for some Nair.

He said "If you are using it on your underarms, don't use deodorant for a week". The lady said I'm not using it on my underarms.

"Well" he said "If you are using it on your legs, don't shave for a week"

The lady said "I'm not using it on my legs, and if you must know I'm using it on my Schnauzer"

The pharmacist said "In that case, don't ride a bike for a week"



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2BDYNAMIC's Photo 2BDYNAMIC SparkPoints: (112,626)
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3/24/15 4:16 P

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More .... emoticon

~Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless." .... Mother Teresa

~ What I do today shapes my tomorrow. ~I will seize the day~

~To gain friends is to first become a friend~


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3/24/15 11:25 A

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There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


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3/24/15 10:33 A

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Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. - Oscar Wilde

Noreen


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3/24/15 5:27 A

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LOL pecker!!


A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."

The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture -- soon, he's been on every animal on the farm.

The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day.

Sure enough, the farmer wakes up the next morning to find Randy laid out flat in the middle of the yard, buzzards circling overhead.

The sad farmer shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself."

Randy opens one eye, winks, and nods towards the sky, "Shhh, they're getting closer."



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3/23/15 9:05 P

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Here's a snicker ...... and I do NOT mean snicker bar! lol

The other day I was telling ladies in the lunchroom that I wanted a male canary (they are the singers)
Well a friend asked:
"Just HOW would you know a male from a female? ............. They don't even have a penis." .......... I answered hastily ........... No, they don't have a penis ............... they have a little pecker." ................ emoticon


~Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless." .... Mother Teresa

~ What I do today shapes my tomorrow. ~I will seize the day~

~To gain friends is to first become a friend~


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3/23/15 9:02 P

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I like how he could tell the difference in a male and female ................ emoticon ... sad but true ......... lol

~Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless." .... Mother Teresa

~ What I do today shapes my tomorrow. ~I will seize the day~

~To gain friends is to first become a friend~


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3/23/15 7:26 A

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emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


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FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 38,263
3/23/15 5:49 A

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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies," He responded.

"Oh, killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?

He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."



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3/22/15 9:57 P

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OMG ............... Sounds like the 'ol 'button in a fur coat' syndrome! ........... emoticon .........Poor devil!

~Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless." .... Mother Teresa

~ What I do today shapes my tomorrow. ~I will seize the day~

~To gain friends is to first become a friend~


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3/22/15 11:02 A

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FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 38,263
3/22/15 4:17 A

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The nurse asked a patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor.

"In front of you?" He asks, shy.

The nurse says: "Well no, but I've seen the naked human body before. The man said, "Not one like mine. You'd die laughing at my naked body."

"Of course I won't laugh," said the Nurse to the patient, "I'm a professional.
In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said the patient, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing a huge male body with the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life.

In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.

And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's private part, she composed herself as well as she could.

"I am so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Bob replied.

She ran out of the room.



Edited by: FLOWERDALEJEWEL at: 3/22/2015 (04:17)
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3/21/15 1:16 P

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3/21/15 3:02 A

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A chicken farmer went to the local bar.

He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne.

The woman said: "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne."

"What a coincidence," said the farmer, who added, " It is a special day for me. I am celebrating."

"It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" said the woman.

"What a coincidence." said the farmer.

While they toasted, the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me that I was pregnant."

"What a coincidence," said the man. "I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs."

"This is incredible," said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"

"I used a different cock" he said.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence."



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3/20/15 11:20 A

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Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. - Oscar Wilde

Noreen


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3/20/15 10:53 A

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3/20/15 8:15 A

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LMAO................... emoticon

~Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless." .... Mother Teresa

~ What I do today shapes my tomorrow. ~I will seize the day~

~To gain friends is to first become a friend~


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3/20/15 5:48 A

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A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

She took one look and said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."



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3/19/15 10:57 P

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ENCORE Please .................

~Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless." .... Mother Teresa

~ What I do today shapes my tomorrow. ~I will seize the day~

~To gain friends is to first become a friend~


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3/19/15 11:39 A

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emoticon

Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. - Oscar Wilde

Noreen


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3/19/15 8:43 A

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LMAO! emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


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3/19/15 8:40 A

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emoticon emoticon emoticon

~Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless." .... Mother Teresa

~ What I do today shapes my tomorrow. ~I will seize the day~

~To gain friends is to first become a friend~


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3/19/15 6:16 A

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Another oldie


An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead pussy."

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."



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3/18/15 8:17 P

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Double emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon ............... emoticon to this chap ...........lol

~Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless." .... Mother Teresa

~ What I do today shapes my tomorrow. ~I will seize the day~

~To gain friends is to first become a friend~


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3/17/15 1:30 P

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emoticon

Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. - Oscar Wilde

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3/17/15 6:40 A

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A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70s), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell.
Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, 'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!

The old man smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'
She snorted. 'You don't have any arms either!'
Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed???'
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
'Rang the doorbell didn't I?'

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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3/16/15 11:32 A

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3/16/15 5:57 A

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Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.

However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

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3/15/15 1:38 P

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Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. - Oscar Wilde

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3/15/15 11:47 A

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LMAO! I never heard that one before.

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


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FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 38,263
3/15/15 8:32 A

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Here's an oldie but a funny one

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."




Edited by: FLOWERDALEJEWEL at: 3/15/2015 (08:39)
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3/13/15 10:28 A

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emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. - Oscar Wilde

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There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


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A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long
black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman was so curious that she respectfully
approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was
trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

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3/12/15 10:48 A

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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'


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3/11/15 10:27 A

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emoticon Good one!

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


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3/11/15 6:41 A

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said,
"Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces,
"Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know -

you left your Injun running"

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3/10/15 10:21 A

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A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn,
specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in,
the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline,
electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked,

'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor'?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.


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3/9/15 6:42 A

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Have you heard about the man who did it with a parakeet?

He contracted chirpes and the worst thing?

It was untweetable.



See I do tell clean jokes sometimes!! emoticon

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Q: How do you circumcise a whale?

A: With four skin-divers...


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Did you hear on the news what Poland is going to do with their Armies?

They're going to put them back in their sleevies.

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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3/6/15 9:28 A

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OK just a silly short one today.


Q. Why did the ant fall off the toilet seat?

A. Because he was pissed off!

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IM-SO-WORTH-IT's Photo IM-SO-WORTH-IT Posts: 1,437
3/5/15 4:23 P

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funny!

Bev

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-control.
II Timothy 1:7




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O.M.G. emoticon

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A Queenslander is drinking in a New South Wales pub when he gets a call on his mobile phone.

He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar.

He announces his wife has just produced a typical Queensland baby boy, weighing twelve kilos (26.5 lbs).

Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at twelve kilos.

The Queenslander just shrugs.

"That's about typical in Queensland, like I said my son is a typical Queensland boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "STREWTH" were heard.

One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the bar.

The bartender says "You're the father of that typical Queenslnd baby that weighed twelve kilos at birth. Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were going to call you. So, how much does he weigh?

The father proudly answers "Nine kilos (20 lbs)."

The bartender is puzzled and concerned, "What happened? He weighed twelve kilos the day he was born."

The Queenslander father takes a long, slow swig from his glass.

He wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans on to the bar and proudly says, "Had him circumcised!"

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