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12/26/14 10:33 A

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There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


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12/26/14 10:24 A

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12/26/14 12:09 A

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A woman walks into a restaurant and sits down. As she bends down to reach into her purse for her wallet, she farts loudly with the waiter right behind her.

She sits abruptly back up, glares at the waiter and shouts "Stop that!"

The waiter replies, "Sure, which way did it go?"

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12/25/14 3:51 P

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Hehe! I have heard that one before but it still makes me emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


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12/25/14 6:23 A

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A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.

None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation anyway."
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Edited by: FLOWERDALEJEWEL at: 12/25/2014 (06:24)
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12/24/14 1:57 P

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So bad! LMAO

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


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12/24/14 9:54 A

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12/24/14 1:56 A

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A woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway.

She yelled at the boyfriend, "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window; my husband's home early!"

The boyfriend looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the
window! It's raining like hell out there!"

She said, "If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!"

So the boyfriend grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he began running down the street, he discovered he had run right in the middle of a town marathon, so he started running along beside the others. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could.

One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?"

He answered, while gasping for air, "Oh, yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."

The other runner then asked the nude man, "Do you always run
carrying your clothes on your arm?"

The nude man answered breathlessly, "Oh, yes, that way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

The runner then asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

His reply: "Only if it's raining!"

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12/23/14 10:38 A

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12/23/14 9:43 A

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emoticon emoticon LMAO

Edited by: BTRFLYDOG at: 12/23/2014 (09:43)
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12/23/14 6:42 A

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A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, 'Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions'. He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. And then asks her,' What's your occupation?'

'I'm a Lady of the night,' she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, 'Let's try to rephrase that.'

The woman says, 'OK, I'm a high-end call girl'.

'No, that still won't work. Try again.' They both think for a minute; then the woman says,' I'm an elite chicken farmer.'

The accountant asks, 'What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?'

'Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year.'

'Chicken Farmer it is.' says the accountant

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12/22/14 12:30 P

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12/22/14 10:13 A

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12/22/14 4:26 A

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An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down, and one lands in each of the pints.

The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.

The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs and takes a long swallow.

The Irishman reaches into the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"

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12/21/14 3:18 P

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12/21/14 4:50 A

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During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

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12/20/14 5:04 P

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12/20/14 4:21 P

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12/20/14 5:41 A

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This is a cheeky one!!



There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."

The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure.

"So what's the good news?" he asks.

The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"

The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it."

So the doctor performs the operation.

A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.

Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.

Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.

"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"

Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably...But I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"




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12/19/14 3:07 P

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12/19/14 9:48 A

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12/19/14 3:28 A

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Q: If you had one cricket ball in one hand and another cricket ball in your other hand, what would you have?

A: A bloody big cricket.

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12/18/14 2:23 P

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Oh my! emoticon

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12/18/14 9:30 A

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12/18/14 5:48 A

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In the backwoods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night. The doctor was called in to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

"Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down. I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another baby.

"Now don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man. It seems there's yet another!" cried the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor. "Do ya think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

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12/17/14 11:41 A

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12/17/14 9:46 A

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12/17/14 5:45 A

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Bubba dies in a fire and his body is pretty badly burned. The morgue sends for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, to identify the body.

Daryl arrives first, and when the mortician pulls back the sheet, Daryl says, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

The mortician rolls him over, and Daryl says, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thinks this is strange. Then he brings Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer takes a look at the face and says, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."

The mortician rolls him over and Gomer says, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asks, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two asholes."

"What? He had two assholes?!" exclaims the mortician.

"Yup, every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"

Edited by: FLOWERDALEJEWEL at: 12/17/2014 (05:48)
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12/15/14 2:28 P

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LMAO!

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


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12/15/14 6:05 A

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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express
praise for answered prayers. Susie Smith stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have a praise.

Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible
bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was
excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could
hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the
pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the
children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We
prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they
were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap
wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith."
The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
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12/14/14 4:32 P

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Gross! emoticon

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12/14/14 12:00 P

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12/14/14 6:10 A

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A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

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12/13/14 2:34 P

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12/13/14 11:08 A

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A blonde executive was driving by a field one day when she saw a blonde rowing a boat in the middle of a dirt field. She drove over to her and said, "It's idiots like you that give blondes a bad name, and if I could swim I would come over there and kick your ass!"

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12/12/14 3:13 P

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LMAO

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


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12/12/14 10:26 A

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A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. - Oscar Wilde

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12/12/14 10:24 A

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Edited by: BTRFLYDOG at: 12/12/2014 (10:25)
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12/12/14 3:01 A

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When the ark's door was closed, Noah called a meeting with all the animals. "Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice."There will be NO sex on this trip. All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, turn in your receipt and I will give you back your penis."

After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said, "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!"

Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said, "Sorry, no land yet."

"Damn!", exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.

This went on every day until Mrs.Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked, "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. Why are you acting so excited every day?"

"Look!", said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper, "I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!!"

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12/11/14 11:59 A

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emoticon Good one!

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


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12/11/14 10:28 A

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12/11/14 5:12 A

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A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons' behavior. One day, the mother heard of a clergyman in town that has been successful in disciplining children in the past, and asked for his help.

The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The 8-year-old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"

At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, slamming himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"

The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble now... They can't find God and they're blaming it on us!"

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12/10/14 10:50 A

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Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. - Oscar Wilde

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12/10/14 10:49 A

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12/10/14 4:49 A

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A duck hunter was out in the marsh, enjoying the beautiful hunting weather when he felt the urge to relieve himself. So he walked over to the bushes and propped his gun against a tree. Suddenly, a strong gust of wind blew and knocked his gun over, discharging it and shooting him in the genitals.

Awaking several hours later in a hospital bed, our duck hunter is approached by his doctor. “Sir,” the doc begins “I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is there’s no internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.”

“Wow, that’s great!” replied the hunter. “So what’s the bad news?”

“The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I’m going to have to refer you to my sister.”

“Oh, well that’s not so bad I guess,” the hunter replied. “Is your sister a plastic surgeon?”

“Not exactly.” answered the doctor. “She’s a flute player in the local symphony, and she’s gonna to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t pee in your eye.”

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12/9/14 11:01 A

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Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. - Oscar Wilde

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12/9/14 10:57 A

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emoticon Good one!

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


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12/9/14 4:48 A

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A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of whisky at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a tree.

As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth.

Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now! He must be rewarded!" So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two walked away.

Some time later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt...and saw where the blue ribbon was tied. After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said... "I donna know where y'been laddy...but it's nice ta'know y'won first prize!"

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12/9/14 4:44 A

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12/8/14 12:59 P

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12/8/14 10:37 A

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What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?

OH Sheet!

Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. - Oscar Wilde

Noreen


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12/8/14 9:56 A

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Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. - Oscar Wilde

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12/8/14 5:48 A

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A professor travels to Africa to live with a primitive tribe and spends years with them, teaching them all about the wonders of science and mathematics. He makes friends with the tribes Chief's and his wife and they all live happily for some time. One day, the Chief's wife gives birth to... a white child!

The word spreads and the entire tribe is in shock. The chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look, you're the only white man we've ever seen around here, and my wife just gave birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."


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12/5/14 1:15 P

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Thanks for the laugh Jules - I needed that.

Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. - Oscar Wilde

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12/5/14 1:03 P

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Bahahahahahahahaha!

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


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12/5/14 5:28 A

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OK this one is a little risque, but funny



Why does a penis have a hole in the end?

So men can be open minded.

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11/20/14 11:18 A

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emoticon Careful - don't want to singe the fur! emoticon

Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. - Oscar Wilde

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11/20/14 11:00 A

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11/20/14 6:48 A

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How do you know when your cat's done cleaning himself?

He's smoking a cigarette.

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11/3/14 5:57 A

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There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


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11/3/14 4:14 A

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A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear.

Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?"

The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old."

"Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?"

She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

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11/2/14 6:34 A

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There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


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11/2/14 2:19 A

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Two friends are drinking together at one of their homes. One friend takes out a bottle of whiskey and asks the other, "Will you pour this bottle out on my grave if I die first?" His friend replies, "Do you mind if I pass it through my kidneys first?"

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10/30/14 11:55 A

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Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. - Oscar Wilde

Noreen


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10/30/14 10:35 A

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emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon Bet that kid got in trouble!

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


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10/30/14 6:22 A

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Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"

Student: "Meat!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"

Student: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"

Student: "Homework!"



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10/28/14 5:21 A

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There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


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10/28/14 5:17 A

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The new nun goes to her first confession and tells the priest that she has a terrible secret.

She says, "Father, I forgot to put any knickers on today and am naked under my robe."

The priest says, "Bless you, my child. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar."

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10/27/14 5:26 A

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There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


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10/27/14 5:04 A

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Glad you like them Margaritt


A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other naked for the first time.

The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet. He explains, "I had tolio as a child."
The wife asks if he means polio. He says, "No, it only affects the toes."

He removes his pants and reveals deformed knees. He admits, "I had kneesles, too."

Finally, he pulls off his boxers. In shock, the woman gasps, "Oh no -- smallcox, too!"

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MARGARITTM's Photo MARGARITTM Posts: 5,711
10/26/14 7:12 P

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just found this - these are great! Thanks

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