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FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 38,555
4/19/15 2:45 A

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Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well, Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella is overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish:

"I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension." Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.

Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!"

The Fairy Godmother replied, "It's the least I can do. What does your heart wish for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again." At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned.

Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her very soul.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke. "You have one more wish, what will you have?" Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young man."

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke. "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life!" And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen.

Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young, muscular arms.

He leaned in close to her ear, whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, "I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?"



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4/18/15 11:58 A

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There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


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FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 38,555
4/18/15 2:54 A

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One Monday morning the postman was walking through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by Craig, the home owner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow Craig, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman commented.

Craig, in obvious pain, replied, 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 o’clock Sunday morning .We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?'

The Postman thought for a moment and said, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

‘Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is..'

The postman laughed and said, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' Craig responded, 'Your name came up 7 times.'



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4/17/15 2:25 P

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Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. - Oscar Wilde

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4/17/15 11:51 A

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There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


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FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 38,555
4/17/15 5:59 A

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A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."

"What are the three tests?" asks the man

"Gotta pay first."

So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.

"OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila -- the WHOLE thing at once -- and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."

"Well, I know I've paid my $10 bucks," says the man, "but I'm not an idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money -- that's impossible!"

The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve.

"Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs.

He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside -- barking, yelping and growling, then silence.

Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.

"NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore tooth?"



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4/16/15 4:36 P

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4/16/15 7:42 A

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Good one! emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


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MARGARITTM's Photo MARGARITTM Posts: 5,892
4/16/15 6:46 A

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Cute!

FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 38,555
4/16/15 4:57 A

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A man was having an affair with a married woman for quite some time. One day, her husband comes home early from work. The wife hears him come in, jumps up and tells her lover to go into the bathroom and hide. The moment he dives into the bathroom and she hides his clothes under the bed, the husband opens the door and comes in.

He stops in surprise at seeing his wife stark naked. ''What the hell are you doing?''

Thinking quickly, the wife says, ''Uhm...waiting for you.''

The suspicious husband looks at her in disbelief and says, ''But you're naked.''

Again the woman says, ''Yeah... I was waiting for you.''

The husband relaxes and says, ''Hold on, I'm going to jump in the shower. I'll be back in a flash!''

The wife tries to stop him but he just ignores her and rushes for the bathroom. When he opens the bathroom door, there is a naked man jumping around and clapping.
naked man

The husband asks,'' What in the hell are you doing?''

He replied, ''I'm the exterminator, and your wife called saying you guys had a problem with moths.''

The other man looks at him and says,''But... you're naked.''

The lover looks down, jumps in surprise and mutters, ''Them little bastards!''



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4/14/15 10:27 A

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Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. - Oscar Wilde

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4/14/15 9:28 A

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OUCH.......... emoticon

~Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless." .... Mother Teresa

~ What I do today shapes my tomorrow. ~I will seize the day~

~To gain friends is to first become a friend~


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4/14/15 7:45 A

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There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


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FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 38,555
4/14/15 4:30 A

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A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of condoms: Olympic condoms.

Impressed, he decides to buy a pack to show his wife. After he arrives home, he proudly presents the olympic condoms to his puzzled wife.

"Olympic condoms?" she asks him. "What makes them olympic, exactly?"

"Well," answers her husband, "They come in three colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks with a smile.

"Gold, of course!" proclaims her husband proudly.

"Really," ponders the wife, "Why don't you wear Silver?"

"Why silver?" asks the husband.

"Well, it would be nice if you came second for a change."



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4/13/15 10:26 A

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Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. - Oscar Wilde

Noreen


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4/13/15 8:47 A

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emoticon O.M.G!

Edited by: MBPP50 at: 4/13/2015 (08:47)
There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


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FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 38,555
4/13/15 7:34 A

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started.....


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4/12/15 9:52 A

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~Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless." .... Mother Teresa

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~To gain friends is to first become a friend~


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4/12/15 8:47 A

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emoticon Serves him right!

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


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FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 38,555
4/12/15 5:21 A

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A salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed haircut before his meeting tomorrow, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. 'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15,and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and trim.Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures $20.' 'Why not?' he thought.
He paid the money, inserted his hands in the slot, and the machine started to buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds later He pulled his hands out and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, Machine provides a service men need when away from Their Wives, 50 cents.

He looked both ways, put 50 cents in the machine, unzipped his fly and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening.

When the machine started buzzing, he let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands, he was able to withdraw his member....which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.



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4/11/15 8:54 P

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Let's put that in our pipe and smoke it................ emoticon

~Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless." .... Mother Teresa

~ What I do today shapes my tomorrow. ~I will seize the day~

~To gain friends is to first become a friend~


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4/11/15 12:43 P

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emoticon Tru dat!

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


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4/11/15 11:08 A

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Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. - Oscar Wilde

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4/11/15 6:08 A

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Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients
to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see accountants
on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers... Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC, shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Also, the head and the ass are interchangeable.



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4/10/15 2:18 P

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4/10/15 11:01 A

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4/10/15 9:41 A

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emoticon OMG!

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4/10/15 7:55 A

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There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."

The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. "So what's the good news?" he asks.

The doctor says: "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"

The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it."

So the doctor performs the operation. A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful. Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.

Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.

"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"

Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably ... but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"



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4/9/15 11:22 P

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~Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless." .... Mother Teresa

~ What I do today shapes my tomorrow. ~I will seize the day~

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4/9/15 10:21 A

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Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. - Oscar Wilde

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4/9/15 10:00 A

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Hope Tiger's game is back on track for this poor schmuck's sake! emoticon

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4/9/15 8:51 A

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emoticon .... emoticon

~Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless." .... Mother Teresa

~ What I do today shapes my tomorrow. ~I will seize the day~

~To gain friends is to first become a friend~


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4/9/15 8:35 A

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There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


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4/9/15 3:19 A

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A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that." golf

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."



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Funny----but just before you posted this, I had asked DH what he would do if I croaked .............. emoticon ribot ................. and he said he would move to Arizona. ............ I thought, "Why don't we just go now?" ........... emoticon

~Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless." .... Mother Teresa

~ What I do today shapes my tomorrow. ~I will seize the day~

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There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


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Open mouth, insert foot..... In Oklahoma there is/was an expression that someone needed a good killing. Valid?

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Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. - Oscar Wilde

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That's always a no win topic........ emoticon

~Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless." .... Mother Teresa

~ What I do today shapes my tomorrow. ~I will seize the day~

~To gain friends is to first become a friend~


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Hahaha!!


A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the following question...

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?”

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?”

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- Long silence --

HUSBAND: "Damn."



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Shuffleboard? Scrabble? Roaring 20s?




why not?

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Well I am ALL ABOUT VINTAGE ................. emoticon

~Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless." .... Mother Teresa

~ What I do today shapes my tomorrow. ~I will seize the day~

~To gain friends is to first become a friend~


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It’s all fun and games, until someone calls the cops. Then it’s a new game; hide and seek.

Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. - Oscar Wilde

Noreen


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LOL we know where the priority is!

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An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"



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4/6/15 1:58 P

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There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


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OMG! That's a visual.... emoticon

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This girl was riding in a car with her boyfriend. She got bored and said "Every time you speed up 5MPH I'll take some clothes off."

Well, this went on for about 15 minutes until she was naked and he was going about 95MPH. They lost control of the car and crashed into a tree.

The guy was hurt pretty badly and his car door was crushed to the point where he couldn't open it. His naked girlfriend was fine and could get out of the car.

So, she took her boyfriend's shoe and put it in front of her crotch and covered her chest with her arm. She flagged down a car. Without thinking she said "HELP MY BOYFRIEND IS STUCK AND HE CAN'T GET OUT!!"

The guy in the car looked at the shoe on her crotch and his eyes got really big. He said "If he is that far in, he's not coming out!"



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Bwuhahahaha Sharon, that's an hilarious saga



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O.M.G. I am...I don't know what I am. A little hysterical. LMAO, t emoticon emoticon hats for sure!

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


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GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...

Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from
a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a
rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back
under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake
had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.

Breathe here...

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right
with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring
in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.

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4/5/15 9:00 A

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Here's an ad in the local paper, nestled in with the ubiquitous lost parrots and dogs -

"LOST"

Old Bat.
Grey headed, 65 years old, answers to the name Gwen.
If found, don't return!

emoticon emoticon



Edited by: FLOWERDALEJEWEL at: 4/5/2015 (09:05)
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Smart man!

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Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He had vague memories of being very loud and screaming at his wife. This did NOT promise to be a good morning.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.

He takes the aspirins and cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well," said the son, thoughtfully, "you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "I don't know. The only other thing I remember is mom dragging you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!'"


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Snort! emoticon

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Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. - Oscar Wilde

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There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


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A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don’t be upset – I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference – 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.




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Now there is something to look forward to! ......... emoticon

~Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless." .... Mother Teresa

~ What I do today shapes my tomorrow. ~I will seize the day~

~To gain friends is to first become a friend~


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LMAO! emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


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Thanks for the smiles!

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Three old women are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions.

One seventy-five year old woman says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."

An eighty year old woman says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The ninety year old woman says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow."

"So what's your problem?" asked the others.

"I don't wake up until nine."



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~Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless." .... Mother Teresa

~ What I do today shapes my tomorrow. ~I will seize the day~

~To gain friends is to first become a friend~


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Awww, those crazy lugs!

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Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston.
One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.

The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the Soldier, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier's shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier's other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston.

As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" the Soldier asked.

"This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"



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There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


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Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. - Oscar Wilde

Noreen


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There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles a day. One day, he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except his penis. So, he decided to do something about it.

He went to the beach, completely undressed himself and buried in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out.

Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the penis sticking up over the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, "There's no justice in the world."

The other lady asked what she meant.

"Well," said the old lady,

"When I was 20, I was curious about it.

When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.


Now I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I'm too old to squat!"



Edited by: FLOWERDALEJEWEL at: 3/31/2015 (03:01)
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3/29/15 2:42 P

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Glad I wasn't drinking coffee when I found this! Woulda snorted it right out of my nose....

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A few days before his proctological exam, a one-eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye.

He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed the doctor's instructions, undressed and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's butt was that glass eye staring right back at him!

"You know," said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."



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3/28/15 9:04 A

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emoticon ...... or something like that ........................ emoticon

~Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless." .... Mother Teresa

~ What I do today shapes my tomorrow. ~I will seize the day~

~To gain friends is to first become a friend~


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A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform
the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was
no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his
word, he made the first contact: "Marion, Marion."

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's
off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then
have sex a couple of more times.. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud -- lots
of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex
the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and
then the next day it starts all over again".

"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"

"No... I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona."



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3/27/15 11:05 A

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Good ones! emoticon

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3/27/15 5:10 A

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Hahahahaha!

A man went into the Doctors' office and said to the Doctor "Doctor I have lettuce growing out of my ass"

The Doctor takes one look and says "I can see and that is just the tip of the iceberg"




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3/26/15 9:30 P

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Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. - Oscar Wilde

Noreen


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emoticon Within certain weight limits!

Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. - Oscar Wilde

Noreen


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3/26/15 10:42 A

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When vultures fly, are they allowed carrion luggage?




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3/25/15 10:59 A

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Ouch! emoticon .......... emoticon

~Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless." .... Mother Teresa

~ What I do today shapes my tomorrow. ~I will seize the day~

~To gain friends is to first become a friend~


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There was this lady who took her dog to the vet because he didn't seem to be able to hear properly.

The vet examined the dog and cut a huge amount of hair out of his ears and told the lady to buy some Nair from the pharmacy and use it once a month to keep the hair away.

Well the lady went to the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist for some Nair.

He said "If you are using it on your underarms, don't use deodorant for a week". The lady said I'm not using it on my underarms.

"Well" he said "If you are using it on your legs, don't shave for a week"

The lady said "I'm not using it on my legs, and if you must know I'm using it on my Schnauzer"

The pharmacist said "In that case, don't ride a bike for a week"



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3/24/15 4:16 P

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More .... emoticon

~Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless." .... Mother Teresa

~ What I do today shapes my tomorrow. ~I will seize the day~

~To gain friends is to first become a friend~


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3/24/15 10:33 A

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Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. - Oscar Wilde

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3/24/15 5:27 A

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LOL pecker!!


A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."

The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture -- soon, he's been on every animal on the farm.

The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day.

Sure enough, the farmer wakes up the next morning to find Randy laid out flat in the middle of the yard, buzzards circling overhead.

The sad farmer shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself."

Randy opens one eye, winks, and nods towards the sky, "Shhh, they're getting closer."



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3/23/15 9:05 P

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Here's a snicker ...... and I do NOT mean snicker bar! lol

The other day I was telling ladies in the lunchroom that I wanted a male canary (they are the singers)
Well a friend asked:
"Just HOW would you know a male from a female? ............. They don't even have a penis." .......... I answered hastily ........... No, they don't have a penis ............... they have a little pecker." ................ emoticon


~Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless." .... Mother Teresa

~ What I do today shapes my tomorrow. ~I will seize the day~

~To gain friends is to first become a friend~


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I like how he could tell the difference in a male and female ................ emoticon ... sad but true ......... lol

~Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless." .... Mother Teresa

~ What I do today shapes my tomorrow. ~I will seize the day~

~To gain friends is to first become a friend~


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3/23/15 7:26 A

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