Author: Sorting Last Post on Top ↓ Message:
BTRFLYDOG's Photo BTRFLYDOG SparkPoints: (27,886)
Fitness Minutes: (5,936)
Posts: 1,511
1/28/15 7:55 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon

Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. - Oscar Wilde

Noreen


 current weight: 165.0 
 
173
161
149
137
125
MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (68,393)
Fitness Minutes: (34,684)
Posts: 19,251
1/28/15 7:17 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: 5.0  over
 
10
5
0
-5
-10
FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 37,311
1/28/15 6:11 A

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Sorry I've been MIA, my internet snuffed it for a WEEK!!!!!!

I've pinched this one from one of my Sparkfriends blog

My wife had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while she was out.
After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower.
Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her butt to the toilet seat.
About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.
Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. She wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this).
She tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them...... I just never saw one mounted and framed."..

emoticon emoticon emoticon

Peace and long life - Jules

Team Leader Rescued/Adopted Dog and Cat Lover's Team

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=39487


Team Leader SLIGHTLY SKEWED & A Little Warped Team

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=16802


Team Leader Home & Garden & DIY - On A Budget

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=10178

MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (68,393)
Fitness Minutes: (34,684)
Posts: 19,251
1/20/15 1:33 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: 5.0  over
 
10
5
0
-5
-10
BTRFLYDOG's Photo BTRFLYDOG SparkPoints: (27,886)
Fitness Minutes: (5,936)
Posts: 1,511
1/20/15 1:12 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada. I heard that prostitutes there
get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom
and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies,
"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year!


Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. - Oscar Wilde

Noreen


 current weight: 165.0 
 
173
161
149
137
125
MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (68,393)
Fitness Minutes: (34,684)
Posts: 19,251
1/20/15 8:20 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Good for them! emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: 5.0  over
 
10
5
0
-5
-10
BTRFLYDOG's Photo BTRFLYDOG SparkPoints: (27,886)
Fitness Minutes: (5,936)
Posts: 1,511
1/20/15 7:59 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon emoticon

Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. - Oscar Wilde

Noreen


 current weight: 165.0 
 
173
161
149
137
125
FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 37,311
1/20/15 3:33 A

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply


Three old ladies - Gertrude, Maude and Tilly, were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a handsome young man dressed only in a trench coat approached them from across the park.

The young man came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Seeing her friend's reaction, Maude also had a stroke.

But Tilly, bless her heart, being older and more feeble then her friends, couldn't quite reach that far...

emoticon emoticon

Peace and long life - Jules

Team Leader Rescued/Adopted Dog and Cat Lover's Team

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=39487


Team Leader SLIGHTLY SKEWED & A Little Warped Team

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=16802


Team Leader Home & Garden & DIY - On A Budget

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=10178

MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (68,393)
Fitness Minutes: (34,684)
Posts: 19,251
1/19/15 8:39 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: 5.0  over
 
10
5
0
-5
-10
FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 37,311
1/19/15 6:05 A

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply


An Italian, and Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling."

And to the Chinese guy, "you're in charge of supplies."

He then says "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched.

He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I didn't have a broom. You said the Chinese a guy was in a charge of supplies, but he disappeared and I coulda no find him."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and asks why he didn't shovel.

The Scotsman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, ye did lad. But I counna get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I counna fin' him."

The foreman is really angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy... Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells, "SUPPLIES!"


Peace and long life - Jules

Team Leader Rescued/Adopted Dog and Cat Lover's Team

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=39487


Team Leader SLIGHTLY SKEWED & A Little Warped Team

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=16802


Team Leader Home & Garden & DIY - On A Budget

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=10178

BTRFLYDOG's Photo BTRFLYDOG SparkPoints: (27,886)
Fitness Minutes: (5,936)
Posts: 1,511
1/18/15 12:30 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon

Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. - Oscar Wilde

Noreen


 current weight: 165.0 
 
173
161
149
137
125
BENE38464's Photo BENE38464 SparkPoints: (8,489)
Fitness Minutes: (5,476)
Posts: 1,841
1/18/15 12:14 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Not our bishop! He has a real funny bone!!! Loved the joke!

Bene38464


34 Maintenance Weeks
 
0
10
20
30
40
MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (68,393)
Fitness Minutes: (34,684)
Posts: 19,251
1/18/15 10:24 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: 5.0  over
 
10
5
0
-5
-10
FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 37,311
1/18/15 4:41 A

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!

The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHERíS ASS SHOWS.

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHERíS ASS OUT IN FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHERíS ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted in shock. When he came to he informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.

The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go.

Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

Peace and long life - Jules

Team Leader Rescued/Adopted Dog and Cat Lover's Team

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=39487


Team Leader SLIGHTLY SKEWED & A Little Warped Team

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=16802


Team Leader Home & Garden & DIY - On A Budget

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=10178

BTRFLYDOG's Photo BTRFLYDOG SparkPoints: (27,886)
Fitness Minutes: (5,936)
Posts: 1,511
1/17/15 12:34 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon

Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. - Oscar Wilde

Noreen


 current weight: 165.0 
 
173
161
149
137
125
BENE38464's Photo BENE38464 SparkPoints: (8,489)
Fitness Minutes: (5,476)
Posts: 1,841
1/17/15 9:17 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon A smile is just what I needed this morning!!!

Bene38464


34 Maintenance Weeks
 
0
10
20
30
40
MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (68,393)
Fitness Minutes: (34,684)
Posts: 19,251
1/17/15 8:35 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: 5.0  over
 
10
5
0
-5
-10
FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 37,311
1/17/15 3:43 A

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon emoticon emoticon


A pregnant woman from San Francisco got in a car accident and fell into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Congratulations, you had twins! A boy and a girl. When your brother heard about the accident, he came to San Francisco, since he was the closest relative we had him name them."

The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!" She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise."

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew."


Peace and long life - Jules

Team Leader Rescued/Adopted Dog and Cat Lover's Team

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=39487


Team Leader SLIGHTLY SKEWED & A Little Warped Team

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=16802


Team Leader Home & Garden & DIY - On A Budget

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=10178

MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (68,393)
Fitness Minutes: (34,684)
Posts: 19,251
1/16/15 5:04 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: 5.0  over
 
10
5
0
-5
-10
BENE38464's Photo BENE38464 SparkPoints: (8,489)
Fitness Minutes: (5,476)
Posts: 1,841
1/16/15 4:09 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Two men were sitting on a park bench. One leaned over to the other and said:" Pardon me, sir, but do you know you have a Preparation H suppository stuck in your ear????"

The first man replied, "Then I guess I know where to look for my hearing aid!"

Bene38464


34 Maintenance Weeks
 
0
10
20
30
40
MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (68,393)
Fitness Minutes: (34,684)
Posts: 19,251
1/16/15 8:31 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
LMAO

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: 5.0  over
 
10
5
0
-5
-10
FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 37,311
1/16/15 3:37 A

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply

When Charles first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.

After several weeks his penis had grown to nearly sixteen inches and was close to dragging the ground.

Charles became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Charles' condition could be cured through corrective surgery.

"How long will Charles be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife coldly, "you are planning to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"

Peace and long life - Jules

Team Leader Rescued/Adopted Dog and Cat Lover's Team

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=39487


Team Leader SLIGHTLY SKEWED & A Little Warped Team

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=16802


Team Leader Home & Garden & DIY - On A Budget

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=10178

BTRFLYDOG's Photo BTRFLYDOG SparkPoints: (27,886)
Fitness Minutes: (5,936)
Posts: 1,511
1/15/15 9:45 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon emoticon

Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. - Oscar Wilde

Noreen


 current weight: 165.0 
 
173
161
149
137
125
MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (68,393)
Fitness Minutes: (34,684)
Posts: 19,251
1/15/15 8:12 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: 5.0  over
 
10
5
0
-5
-10
FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 37,311
1/15/15 1:15 A

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply

A shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively. "Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO, I WON'T SLEEP WITH YOU TONIGHT!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a journalist and I've got an assignment to study how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN $200?"


Peace and long life - Jules

Team Leader Rescued/Adopted Dog and Cat Lover's Team

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=39487


Team Leader SLIGHTLY SKEWED & A Little Warped Team

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=16802


Team Leader Home & Garden & DIY - On A Budget

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=10178

BTRFLYDOG's Photo BTRFLYDOG SparkPoints: (27,886)
Fitness Minutes: (5,936)
Posts: 1,511
1/14/15 9:30 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon emoticon

Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. - Oscar Wilde

Noreen


 current weight: 165.0 
 
173
161
149
137
125
MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (68,393)
Fitness Minutes: (34,684)
Posts: 19,251
1/14/15 6:47 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Oh my gosh! LMAO

Edited by: MBPP50 at: 1/14/2015 (06:48)
There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: 5.0  over
 
10
5
0
-5
-10
FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 37,311
1/14/15 5:31 A

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply

An old man approaches the window of a cinema with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of course!" "I'm sorry," The girl tells him. "We can't allow animals in the cinema."

The man goes around the corner and stuffs the chicken into his trousers. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the cinema, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his trousers so the chicken can stick it's head out and watch the film.

Seated next to him is a woman. She looks over at his lap and is horrified. She elbows her friend Agnes and whispers, "Agnes, this man over here has just unzipped his trousers!" Agnes whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about it...you've seen one, you've seen them all."

Madge says, "I KNOW...but this one's eating my POPCORN!!"

emoticon

Peace and long life - Jules

Team Leader Rescued/Adopted Dog and Cat Lover's Team

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=39487


Team Leader SLIGHTLY SKEWED & A Little Warped Team

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=16802


Team Leader Home & Garden & DIY - On A Budget

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=10178

BTRFLYDOG's Photo BTRFLYDOG SparkPoints: (27,886)
Fitness Minutes: (5,936)
Posts: 1,511
1/13/15 9:31 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon

Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. - Oscar Wilde

Noreen


 current weight: 165.0 
 
173
161
149
137
125
MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (68,393)
Fitness Minutes: (34,684)
Posts: 19,251
1/13/15 8:53 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: 5.0  over
 
10
5
0
-5
-10
FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 37,311
1/13/15 5:34 A

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply



A middle aged man, about 5 foot 8 inches tall, walks into a Walmart
and asks where the pharmacy counter is. He is directed to it.
When he reaches it, he asks to see the pharmacist.

The pharmacist comes and the man, looking around furtively, asks
quietly, "Do you sell Viagra here?"

The pharmacist answers firmly, "Yes, sir. We certainly do."

The man then asks, "Do you think I could get it over the counter?"

The pharmacist thinks for a moment and then says, "Perhaps, if you took
five or six pills at once you might."


Peace and long life - Jules

Team Leader Rescued/Adopted Dog and Cat Lover's Team

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=39487


Team Leader SLIGHTLY SKEWED & A Little Warped Team

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=16802


Team Leader Home & Garden & DIY - On A Budget

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=10178

BTRFLYDOG's Photo BTRFLYDOG SparkPoints: (27,886)
Fitness Minutes: (5,936)
Posts: 1,511
1/12/15 12:14 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon

Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. - Oscar Wilde

Noreen


 current weight: 165.0 
 
173
161
149
137
125
MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (68,393)
Fitness Minutes: (34,684)
Posts: 19,251
1/12/15 8:14 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: 5.0  over
 
10
5
0
-5
-10
FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 37,311
1/12/15 2:49 A

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply

God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.

He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."

Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd be so great!
When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it
rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please, God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please........."

On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).

Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.

And so it was. And it was...well, good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over creations. "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."


Peace and long life - Jules

Team Leader Rescued/Adopted Dog and Cat Lover's Team

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=39487


Team Leader SLIGHTLY SKEWED & A Little Warped Team

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=16802


Team Leader Home & Garden & DIY - On A Budget

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=10178

BTRFLYDOG's Photo BTRFLYDOG SparkPoints: (27,886)
Fitness Minutes: (5,936)
Posts: 1,511
1/11/15 11:14 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon emoticon

Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. - Oscar Wilde

Noreen


 current weight: 165.0 
 
173
161
149
137
125
MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (68,393)
Fitness Minutes: (34,684)
Posts: 19,251
1/11/15 10:24 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: 5.0  over
 
10
5
0
-5
-10
FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 37,311
1/11/15 6:10 A

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply


A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after a 20 hour shift.
Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her
purse and tries to write with it.


She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says,
'Well, that's great.......... that's really great ......... some asshole
has my pen.'
emoticon emoticon emoticon

Peace and long life - Jules

Team Leader Rescued/Adopted Dog and Cat Lover's Team

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=39487


Team Leader SLIGHTLY SKEWED & A Little Warped Team

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=16802


Team Leader Home & Garden & DIY - On A Budget

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=10178

MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (68,393)
Fitness Minutes: (34,684)
Posts: 19,251
1/10/15 1:52 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Good one!

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: 5.0  over
 
10
5
0
-5
-10
BTRFLYDOG's Photo BTRFLYDOG SparkPoints: (27,886)
Fitness Minutes: (5,936)
Posts: 1,511
1/10/15 11:26 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon

Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. - Oscar Wilde

Noreen


 current weight: 165.0 
 
173
161
149
137
125
FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 37,311
1/10/15 4:34 A

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply


Two businessmen in New York city are sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store isn't ready - only a few shelves are set up.

One says to the other, "I bet any minute now some tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Southerner walks to the window, has a peek, and in a Southern drawl asks, "What're y'all sellin' here?"

One of the men replies, "Oh! We're selling idiots here."

Without skipping a beat, the Southern gentleman says, "Well, I see y'all're doing really good. You only got two left!"


Peace and long life - Jules

Team Leader Rescued/Adopted Dog and Cat Lover's Team

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=39487


Team Leader SLIGHTLY SKEWED & A Little Warped Team

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=16802


Team Leader Home & Garden & DIY - On A Budget

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=10178

BTRFLYDOG's Photo BTRFLYDOG SparkPoints: (27,886)
Fitness Minutes: (5,936)
Posts: 1,511
1/9/15 9:40 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon emoticon

Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. - Oscar Wilde

Noreen


 current weight: 165.0 
 
173
161
149
137
125
MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (68,393)
Fitness Minutes: (34,684)
Posts: 19,251
1/9/15 9:01 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: 5.0  over
 
10
5
0
-5
-10
FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 37,311
1/9/15 5:52 A

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Here's an oldie but a goodie!!

A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure
called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the
effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to
turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:

First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."

Peace and long life - Jules

Team Leader Rescued/Adopted Dog and Cat Lover's Team

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=39487


Team Leader SLIGHTLY SKEWED & A Little Warped Team

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=16802


Team Leader Home & Garden & DIY - On A Budget

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=10178

MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (68,393)
Fitness Minutes: (34,684)
Posts: 19,251
1/8/15 1:16 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: 5.0  over
 
10
5
0
-5
-10
BTRFLYDOG's Photo BTRFLYDOG SparkPoints: (27,886)
Fitness Minutes: (5,936)
Posts: 1,511
1/8/15 9:45 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon emoticon

Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. - Oscar Wilde

Noreen


 current weight: 165.0 
 
173
161
149
137
125
FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 37,311
1/8/15 1:08 A

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply


A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Peace and long life - Jules

Team Leader Rescued/Adopted Dog and Cat Lover's Team

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=39487


Team Leader SLIGHTLY SKEWED & A Little Warped Team

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=16802


Team Leader Home & Garden & DIY - On A Budget

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=10178

MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (68,393)
Fitness Minutes: (34,684)
Posts: 19,251
1/7/15 11:27 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
LMAO!

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: 5.0  over
 
10
5
0
-5
-10
BTRFLYDOG's Photo BTRFLYDOG SparkPoints: (27,886)
Fitness Minutes: (5,936)
Posts: 1,511
1/7/15 10:12 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
OMG

Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. - Oscar Wilde

Noreen


 current weight: 165.0 
 
173
161
149
137
125
FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 37,311
1/7/15 4:28 A

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply

Nancy just received terrible news. Her beloved grandfather just passed away. She went straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 92 year old grandmother and offer her some comfort.

When she asked how her grandfather died, her grandmother replied, "It was a heartattack, he got it while we were making love Saturday morning."

Horrified, Nancy told her grandmother that 2 people nearing 100 years of age having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

church bells"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
emoticon emoticon

Peace and long life - Jules

Team Leader Rescued/Adopted Dog and Cat Lover's Team

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=39487


Team Leader SLIGHTLY SKEWED & A Little Warped Team

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=16802


Team Leader Home & Garden & DIY - On A Budget

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=10178

2BDYNAMIC's Photo 2BDYNAMIC Posts: 10,520
1/6/15 11:40 P

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
OMG---This completely busted me up!! AND hubby when I read to him! ...... emoticon
(Ah! a fourth rose!) lol

~Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless." .... Mother Teresa

~ What I do today shapes my tomorrow. ~I will seize the day~

~To gain friends is to first become a friend~


 current weight: 155.0 
 
172
166.5
161
155.5
150
MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (68,393)
Fitness Minutes: (34,684)
Posts: 19,251
1/6/15 1:43 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: 5.0  over
 
10
5
0
-5
-10
BTRFLYDOG's Photo BTRFLYDOG SparkPoints: (27,886)
Fitness Minutes: (5,936)
Posts: 1,511
1/6/15 10:05 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. - Oscar Wilde

Noreen


 current weight: 165.0 
 
173
161
149
137
125
BTRFLYDOG's Photo BTRFLYDOG SparkPoints: (27,886)
Fitness Minutes: (5,936)
Posts: 1,511
1/6/15 10:05 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
LOL!



Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. - Oscar Wilde

Noreen


 current weight: 165.0 
 
173
161
149
137
125
FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 37,311
1/6/15 1:29 A

Community Team Member

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: 'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.'

'The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago.'

'And what about the third rose? ', she asked.

'That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.



Peace and long life - Jules

Team Leader Rescued/Adopted Dog and Cat Lover's Team

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=39487


Team Leader SLIGHTLY SKEWED & A Little Warped Team

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=16802


Team Leader Home & Garden & DIY - On A Budget

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=10178

BTRFLYDOG's Photo BTRFLYDOG SparkPoints: (27,886)
Fitness Minutes: (5,936)
Posts: 1,511
1/5/15 9:50 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon

Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. - Oscar Wilde

Noreen


 current weight: 165.0 
 
173
161
149
137
125
MBPP50's Photo MBPP50 SparkPoints: (68,393)
Fitness Minutes: (34,684)
Posts: 19,251
1/5/15 9:36 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon

There are no great acts of love, only small acts done with great love- Mother Teresa


 current weight: 5.0  over
 
10
5
0
-5
-10
Page: 1 of (7)   1 2 Next Page › Last Page »

Report Innappropriate Post

Other SLIGHTLY SKEWED & A Little Warped FUN AND GAMES Posts

Topics: Last Post:
Saturday Silliness 3/8 3/10/2014 3:41:01 AM
Positivies A to Z 1/28/2015 11:54:53 AM
A summer puzzle 6/23/2014 3:44:33 PM
"N" the beginning 1/28/2015 11:51:23 AM
Charming Ireland Jigsaw Puzzle 12/26/2014 8:08:23 PM

Thread URL: http://www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/team_messageboard_thread.asp?board=3082x16802x42318804

Review our Community Guidelines




x Lose 10 Pounds by March 11! Get a FREE Personalized Plan