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GLORY2WALKWHIM's Photo GLORY2WALKWHIM SparkPoints: (21,832)
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3/30/08 1:17 P

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Dear Bird -

Have you ever read the book The Beck Diet Solution? I have recently and according to Beck there are some of us that need to do what you have been doing for 7 yrs. I would fall into that bracket .. She says once you've completed the BEck program you need to continue doing these things as some of us aren't considered 'normal eaters' [well those weren't her exact words but you get the drift ..]

I too am bipolar .. have binge eating disorder, you name it, I've got it ..
I also was very involved with O.A. and am familiar with them .. I love Inner Harvest
Daily Meditations for Recovery from Eating Disorders .. do you have it?

I have regained 65 pds. 5x in my life .. I attribute that from going off a program and trying to do it on my own ..

For me, I am unable too .. my suggestion would be to see if you find you begin to regain your weight and if so you might seriously consider going back to the program you successful completed for 7 yrs. if it was working so well for you ..

well, just some thoughts ..hope you don't mind my sharing them

glory

Edited by: GLORY2WALKWHIM at: 3/30/2008 (13:18)

How to Know God Personally! www.ccci.org/wij/index.html

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CROTTY's Photo CROTTY Posts: 122,361
3/16/08 9:47 P

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PAT---AMEN

There Are No Accidents!
Tucson, Arizona
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Take time to laugh - it is the music of the soul.
-- From an old English prayer.


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BIRDGIRLPAT's Photo BIRDGIRLPAT Posts: 895
3/16/08 9:43 P

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C, I do believe that...or at least i know it can be. It's so subtle yet so powerful. Too bad it's not as easy to "un-get!"

hugs to you!

Wanting to care about myself...in every way.


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3/16/08 9:36 P

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PAT---my psych said mental abuse is worse than physical abuse--because it can't be seen.
How right he was and that is what you got!!!

There Are No Accidents!
Tucson, Arizona
co-leader of:
Living With Bipolar & Losing Weight and Disabled

Take time to laugh - it is the music of the soul.
-- From an old English prayer.


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BIRDGIRLPAT's Photo BIRDGIRLPAT Posts: 895
3/16/08 9:31 P

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Good for you Crotty. My mother used to say "if you think you are right and everybody else is wrong you need to think again!" In adulthood i've been able to see what a powerful message that was! Powerful in a NEGATIVE way! It taught me to not trust myself. You see, i am so "different" and that must mean i'm "wrong." As an example, i'm gay. No wonder it took me years to believe that i really am not a pervert. Today i do believe i am a child of God. I can't say "i don't care"...it doesn't work for me. I CAN say, that's what "they" beleived based on their experience and i don't believe that.

Another really powerful self-esteem thing from childhood. I *didn't* do well in school or in life in general. My parents never told me i was a screw up; they would tell me i could do it if i tried. That's the pits in and of itself. But the other thing i realize is that even though they said nothing "bad" about me the "blanks" (since i didn't get the good) made me "fill in the blanks" with negatives about myself. No wonder i struggle with believing i'm ok.

pat


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3/16/08 9:06 P

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PAT: That old saying -do as I say not as I do! Myy mother brought me up telling me no one would ever like me--Lucky I had 2 sisters I knew loved me. Luckily I finally realized I don't care. I will do as I please.
We are worth it!!!! Every one of us!

There Are No Accidents!
Tucson, Arizona
co-leader of:
Living With Bipolar & Losing Weight and Disabled

Take time to laugh - it is the music of the soul.
-- From an old English prayer.


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BIRDGIRLPAT's Photo BIRDGIRLPAT Posts: 895
3/16/08 8:58 P

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Crotty,

You are SO right! My "stinking thinking" may not really even be about rolls and butter but about thinking i'm not worthy. I know when i put food into my mouth without doing it consciously i am reinforcing my believe that i really am not worthy.

In the AA "Bible" (called "The Big Book") there is a sentence that says: "Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake." I guess i have some journalising to do!

hugs,

pat



Wanting to care about myself...in every way.


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3/16/08 8:42 P

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Pat you have to learn to walk around saying I am worth it, I am worth it, GOD doesn't make garbage!

There Are No Accidents!
Tucson, Arizona
co-leader of:
Living With Bipolar & Losing Weight and Disabled

Take time to laugh - it is the music of the soul.
-- From an old English prayer.


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BIRDGIRLPAT's Photo BIRDGIRLPAT Posts: 895
3/16/08 8:38 P

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SM2, I love what you wrote too. I know a lot about my "committee." It tells me i am not enough...that's what all of the cr*p it spews comes down to. At night when i get into bed my head just starts going and it's all about what a failure i am. I want to say "And i am." even though i know that's ridiculous and you (all) would jump all over me---in a supportive way, of course. I also know that for that whole period of time i was "abstinent" the committee was very tame, mostly. Now that i am not doing well it's going crazy.

In the 12 step food program i was in they had an interesting saying: "Right thinking does not lead to right action; right action leads to right thinking." I saw this again and again...i'd start DOing something (like not eating sugar items) and pretty soon i'd feel better about myself and be in a good space.

Underneath all of this, i really do believe "i'm not worth it." (Substitute whatever is your personal "fav" negative word/belief for "it" and you've got it.) And right now what's really bad is that every time i go "too far" with food or do/don't do something i should/shouldn't i just feel worse about myself. As i said earlier, in the beginning of this thread, i just can't seem to turn this negative belief chatter off right now. And "knowing/believing" differently doesn't change anything. In other words, realistically "knowing" something (cognitively) does nothing to stop the negative venom spewing from inside me and surrounding my consciousness.

pat

Wanting to care about myself...in every way.


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3/16/08 11:17 A

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SUGARSMOM2 - EXCELLENT POST!

There Are No Accidents!
Tucson, Arizona
co-leader of:
Living With Bipolar & Losing Weight and Disabled

Take time to laugh - it is the music of the soul.
-- From an old English prayer.


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SUGARSMOM2 SparkPoints: (148,004)
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3/16/08 11:00 A

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well ladies that voice inside our heads that keeps telling us that we are not .. add the words . or that we are .... those words that record that plays inside our heads is different for each of us . for some the voice says you are fat . others ugly . thin stupid these words are just that . words they should not hold a great power over us but we allow them to consume us with hurt and pain. it is time to try to break the self hate and the fear of becoming what our inner self's are afraid of . mainly success can and will do this . with each others help and you are the greatest group of ladies in the world . we have each other and we are strong . we know the truth. the voices are wrong they are from every broken realionship that we have had in our lifetime . don't worry about the length of your comments they help you feel better ..write post talk release in doing that you help to break the chains that hold you back . In numbers we can do this . emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

sugarsmom2 donna wva


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3/16/08 12:24 A

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BIRDGIRLPAT - Bob hates it but I can do it! If you don't want to know, don't ask me. People know me and they know when they question me they will get a true answer as I see it!
Glad to know you talk to your mind also!!

There Are No Accidents!
Tucson, Arizona
co-leader of:
Living With Bipolar & Losing Weight and Disabled

Take time to laugh - it is the music of the soul.
-- From an old English prayer.


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BIRDGIRLPAT's Photo BIRDGIRLPAT Posts: 895
3/16/08 12:20 A

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Jennifer,

I was going to say it's nice to know someone else has a "brain committee" but that's not a very nice thing to say...LOL!! I *really* mean it's a relief to know other people can relate so well to it. It's such a pain. And, yes, re the switching issues. I started out as a kid with food, then went to alcohol as an adult. When i got sober i switched to cigarettes (even tho' i have asthma) and then went back to food. See what i mean? I sometimes say that if i've tried something 2-3 times i'm probably addicted to it!

I love what you said about the emotional hole and knowing more about it hopefully will lead to treating yourself better. I get it.

Thanks for your insights.

pat

Wanting to care about myself...in every way.


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JENIFROUFROU's Photo JENIFROUFROU SparkPoints: (25,411)
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3/16/08 12:12 A

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Pat, I have that same group in my head, commenting and complaining about everything I do. Wouldn't it be great if it could just say nice things? Mine just keeps saying I'm fat and worthless, and I have to challenge it on a 24/7 basis. I've not yet been able to do the accept me or leave me alone thing, and I think its simply because I don't always accept myself, how can I expect others to? I'm a people pleaser.

Is it possible you replaced the alcohol with food? I know I replaced my cigarettes with food. I'm still just trying to learn what emotional hole I have been trying to fill. I think once I can know myself better, I will treat myself better, and that includes eating healthy.



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3/16/08 12:04 A

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C,

Wow, i guess you DO know! I have a question re the "accept-it-or-leave-me-alone" concept. Does it work? I was just writing a blog where i talk about how i seem to have this committee in my brain; it sh*ts and bitches and NEVER seems to sleep (therefore, neither do i!) Sometimes i can yell at it to shut up and it works but often it doesn't work. I'm in one of those "doesn't work" periods. So, does it work for you? (Or is it one of those easier-said-than-done things.

pat

Wanting to care about myself...in every way.


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3/15/08 11:55 P

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PAT---I can relate I am a controlled BiPolar. I never know what will come out of my mouth and I constantly am trying to be like others. I am me-accept it or leave me alone!

There Are No Accidents!
Tucson, Arizona
co-leader of:
Living With Bipolar & Losing Weight and Disabled

Take time to laugh - it is the music of the soul.
-- From an old English prayer.


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BIRDGIRLPAT's Photo BIRDGIRLPAT Posts: 895
3/15/08 11:51 P

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Thanks to both of you! I think the issue is that i have believed for 7 yrs that i can't control flour and sugar and certainly that has been my experience. Plus, i am a recovering alcoholic with 27 yrs of sobriety. The point is, i have years of experience being "out of control" with respect to food and alcohol and don't trust myself. So, o think i'm trying to find out if i CAN trust myself and yet i don't really believe i can. It's a bizarre set up of myself by myself. After i left my 12 step program i gradually got back into bad habits and so i even see the progression to this point. I want to find a way to relax around food; by that i don't mean relax around overeating but i'd love to find a "rational" way to deal with food. I think that's why i feel so "screwed up." But, to both of you, your points are good ones. A part of this journey is to slow down and give myself a break. Boy, does that seem difficult right now.

Again, thanks so much for your input.

pat

Wanting to care about myself...in every way.


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3/15/08 11:41 P

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BECKY1960 - thank you for helping a fellow member!

There Are No Accidents!
Tucson, Arizona
co-leader of:
Living With Bipolar & Losing Weight and Disabled

Take time to laugh - it is the music of the soul.
-- From an old English prayer.


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BECKY1960's Photo BECKY1960 Posts: 7,646
3/15/08 11:37 P

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YOU DID NOT DO TO BAD yes you had a roll with butter but you stooped. you could have had a lot more. then that would have been bad. you are learning portion control. we all will have a roll and butter sooner or later. we just have to stop at one and well maybe even two as lang as it is now and then now every day. you are doing good. don't dwell on it. it really is no big deal. last night I came home from work and I was sick and tired and what did I do, I over ate I binged on saltine crackers with no fat mayo and mustard, it was something I ate all they time when I was little and we didn't have much money. it happen. I know one day it will happen again. but I will try and not let it happen for a long time. It would have been ok if I would have had maybe 5, but I got my grand daughter eating it last night now she likes it and I hope she don't do it very often, so sorry i made this so long just to say to you it's really ok, you didn't do that bad.

trust GOD, love yourself and think positive!
Becky


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3/15/08 10:57 P

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BIRDGIRLPAT - 1 Roll & Butter, isn't really going to harm you. Please don't go on a guilt trip, don't feel so bad.

There Are No Accidents!
Tucson, Arizona
co-leader of:
Living With Bipolar & Losing Weight and Disabled

Take time to laugh - it is the music of the soul.
-- From an old English prayer.


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BIRDGIRLPAT's Photo BIRDGIRLPAT Posts: 895
3/15/08 10:51 P

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Today i went out to lunch before going to work. I ordered a salad (good thing), which is what i had intended. The problem is this: i ate a hard roll, WITH butter of course. Before joining SP i had been in a 12 step food program and had 7 years of "abstinence." That means no flour, no sugar, weighed and measured meals with nothing in between. A little over a year ago i left the program and am "doing it on my own." (By that i mean i'm not in a food program.) For the last few days i have been struggling with whether to go back, even tho' i went recently and couldn't get abstinent, or try to be a "normal" person by eating all foods in appropriate amounts, etc. Thing is, even tho' my mind wants to be a "reasonable" eater i look at this roll thing and wonder if i'm nuts! I almost order another roll and would have used even more butter. The only thing that stopped me was the line.

So, i wonder if i am i kidding myself about "eating normally?" I am SO much an "addictive personality." I don't even think i know what "normal" is and yet my mind tells me I "should" be able to eat (bread, in this case) "normally" blah, blah, blah. Sigh.



and recently i did and it didn't work) or stay here and try to eat




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