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SUGARSMOM2 SparkPoints: (142,225)
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3/16/08 12:18 P

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please stop and think . If you where to end this life what would it gain you ? do you think that somehow you could see how others would reacted to this untimely death? I beg of you think before you so anything like that . what would you like to see tomorrow ? think of things next week that you want to do .go for a walk in the woods ! go window shopping . visit some one in the hosp. and get out of the house . ending your beautiful life isn't the answer . dark clouds of depression cant be told to go away but seeing a doctor and getting some help might . the world wouldn't be the same without your smile . YOu . get on line and spark someone . or just post your feeling and listen to all the love you get . when you are ready the right person will enter your life . god works that way . one door opens and there you are .. keep up the good work you have done so far . its only a small fall and you can go forward . try ..

sugarsmom2 donna wva


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ALICIAM6 Posts: 128
3/16/08 11:56 A

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MJ you said something in your first posting about falling off the wagon, and when you realized the amount of food you consumed you were to embrassed to right them in your food journal; but I think if "we" start jotting down everything we eat, especially on the days we have fallen off the wagon, we are able to look back and see how much we have consumed. At the same time, it gives us a visual picture of what we are doing to ourselves, and it makes us ask ourselves, Why?, are we eating those foods? What makes us want to binge, and binge until we feel guilty, and so on. Like myself these past couple of days, I've completely feel stress, unhappy because Im so overweight, and I know I seclude myself from friends and family, because of my weight, and this weekend it got the worst of me, and I did what you did, I ordered McDonalds, and hide in my room, watching tv, and as I was eating every bit I took, I kept telling myself, why do I do this, eat this food, when I know that's whats contributing to my weight? I look at my whole body, and Im disgusied, and yet, I still eat every bit because of the taste. Then when Im finish I complain to my friends Im fat, ugly, that I'll never meet a guy, the only thing is that I leave out the McDonalds food. But this morning, as much as I didn't want to, I wrote it in my journal and had a visual look at the calories of eat food I intaked this past weekend. I only hope I am able to fight this temptation, and find other ways of coping with my problems, such as working out more, reading, listening to music....

As you said you have the problem of wanting to purge after you've eaten, where I have the problem of wanting to end of my life. I think of all the ways, I could do it, but something always hold's me back, but at the same time, my rope is getting thin, and I dont' know how much i can hold back....This is for anyone, who can help me.... emoticon

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HSNORKEL1's Photo HSNORKEL1 SparkPoints: (0)
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3/16/08 9:30 A

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Boy can I relate to this posting. I too am having a rough time. To much stress eating! I teach 5th graders in Florida and we are right in the middle of state testing. Two weeks of it for heaven's sake. Everyone is on burn out mode including the kids! So sad. I am so exhausted to even think about exercising or eating right. Lately I have had to ask my husband to get me up to move around more. He has been helpful........he has motivated me to get back out walking.....I have to admit I do feel better. Any support or suggestions is so appreciated! -Holly

The Best is Yet To Be!!


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EFORLESS Posts: 7
3/15/08 5:38 P

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so although the food we diverged with were different, you have somehow described exactly what my day has been like. although it doesn't change the chicken salad i just imbibed, it's somehow really comforting to know that i'm not such a screw up. thanks for the support. it's been a tough week and a tough day.

why do i hide it when i eat "bad" food? why do i binge on things i'm not even that interested in eating? why do i put off exercise until it's simply too late in the day? these are things i have got to move past, even if it's only little by little.

so i'm off to dust myself off.

Edited by: EFORLESS at: 3/15/2008 (17:39)
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LOVE2BSKINNY's Photo LOVE2BSKINNY Posts: 59
3/15/08 12:47 A

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MJ I can totally understand you. I go through drivethru's sometimes at several places and eat and then I always throw my trash away before I get home so my family won't see what a pig I have been. I hide from my family sometimes and overeat in private. Even though I overeat in private it shows up on my body for all the world to see. I am desperately trying to overcome this terrible cycle. I am glad to know that other people are not perfect and they are still able to get back after it even after falling off the wagon. It is so great to have support like this. We can all gain strength from each other and pick ourselves up off the ground and dust ourselves off and start again with a new day. Thank you for sharing!!


Smile at everyone you see. It might just change someones day!!!


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WILDMAMA's Photo WILDMAMA Posts: 855
3/15/08 12:12 A

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mjtempleton, thank you for your brave post. I eat in secret to, because I am embarassed by how much I eat. I don't worry about being judged by others, they can't possibly say/think anything worse about me than I do. This is my first week at SP and I've been doing really well with my diet/exersize but yesterday and today I got through dinner as planned but then just stuffed myself afterword. Yesterday it was because I didn't allow myself to eat a treat I wanted, so I binged instead and would have had way less guilt if I had just had the treat. Today was stress over money and family. And I actually tried to purge but it didn't work, I absolutly can not make myself throw up. (I can't believe I posted that, I can't believe I owned up to it, I would never tell anyone IRL that secret.) As others have said, I'm picking myself up and starting fresh tomorrow. Thank you again for your honesty that so many of us can relate to. emoticon

If you judge people, you have no time to love them.
- Mother Teresa

I like giants. Especially girl giants. 'Cause all girls feel too big sometimes, regardless of their size. -From I Like Giants, by Kimya Dawson


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AVIARYGIRL7's Photo AVIARYGIRL7 Posts: 2,699
3/9/08 3:33 P

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I had something similar at one point- If I'd be taking a nap, I'd wake up and automatically go the the kitchen and grab something to eat. Did not even realize I was doing it until whatever was eaten.
Was the weirdest thing!! Luckily I haven't had that happen for a LONG time, thank goodness. I can feel my control getting stronger the longer I talk to people and realize I am not the only one who eat for emotional reasons. Maybe try eating a piece of fruit before you go to bed. Or drink extra water in the early evening. Maybe some relaxation prior to going to bed. I used to listen to relaxation CD's and it really does help. Lately I have been turning on the TV at night and falling asleep to that. Only problem is that then I dream about some of that stuff.
Hang in there. I am sure you will find an answer that will help you. There are alot of helpful people on this team!!! Keep us informed.

ASHLEYNICOLE04's Photo ASHLEYNICOLE04 SparkPoints: (0)
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3/9/08 10:34 A

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i eat at night
some people call it night eating syndrome
it makes me feel sick in the morning
most of the time it is like i am unconscouis
but i do remember and have some control sometimes
anyone out there with simular problem
or any advice
--waiting on reply




walk in the light
----------
not in the dark


always and forever,
anf


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AVIARYGIRL7's Photo AVIARYGIRL7 Posts: 2,699
3/9/08 12:52 A

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This past week has been very challenging. All I wanted to do was snack and it wasn't even pms!!
Today we ended up eating at McD for lunch- the smell of fries just "hit"me, so I ordered the grilled chicken sand w/ff. The fries tasted OK, but only ate about 1/3 of the bag and threw the rest. I was proud that I was able to eat fast food, yet be in control.
I did not feel deprived, as that has been an issue this past 2wks with me. Hoping the weather will warm up and spring will spring. (We had -11degrees this morning!!) Way too cold for March. Had a fun day bumming with my sister and I feel re-vitalized for this upcoming week now. Have a good Sunday everybody!! emoticon

SUPERMOUSE35's Photo SUPERMOUSE35 SparkPoints: (55,367)
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3/9/08 12:20 A

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I hope you get back on track soon. I've been having a rough couple of days, too.

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WATERY's Photo WATERY Posts: 9
3/8/08 9:53 A

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dont beat yourself up carry on

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GINGERLEEWEGO's Photo GINGERLEEWEGO Posts: 556
3/7/08 11:38 P

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The isn't much worse than the feeling of having failed. But if you learned something from it, it wasn't really a failure. I know I learned from it....I learned that I'm not the only one who has food and binging problems. A non-smoker takes several times to quit....drinkers have a terrible time....we will have some bad days. If this was easy we would all be happy and thin. Don't give up. Ginger

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CROTTY's Photo CROTTY Posts: 122,361
3/7/08 4:05 P

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MJT: Who don't you print out your post and the posts of the members that helped you along the way. Keep them for a reference!

There Are No Accidents!
Tucson, Arizona
co-leader of:
Living With Bipolar & Losing Weight and Disabled

Take time to laugh - it is the music of the soul.
-- From an old English prayer.


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WIFE2ABADGE Posts: 368
3/7/08 3:25 P

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One thing to think about: you said a couple of times that you hid your eating. From whom are you hiding it and why? Are you hiding your feelings also? Do you feel judged if someone sees you?

MJTEMPLETON's Photo MJTEMPLETON SparkPoints: (0)
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3/7/08 1:53 P

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emoticon First let me thank all of you who posted with words of encouragement and reminders that it is not "an end". It was very difficult for me to look at this behavior objectively, yet I totally recognize the need to do so. Writing it out helped a LOT! For the first time I've not been "alone" with my craziness and the sheer number of you who are experiencing the same issues is kind of shocking in and of itself. We really do need to examine "why" we allow ourselves to self sabotage with full knowledge we are choosing the wrong answer. I'm going to investigate my own integrity here...as I am reminded of our Daily Bible Study Team, that honesty without integrity is a bit of a cop out if we continue with the behavior after a full disclosure and facing of the issue head on.
emoticon all again especially because I believe this exercise will have a lasting effect. I'm going to be sure and put a check in my daily goals box that I have learned more than one thing about the consequences of my actions.

emoticon emoticon emoticon

Best wishes in reaching your goals,



MJTempleton


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CROTTY's Photo CROTTY Posts: 122,361
3/7/08 1:11 P

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Thank to all the members for their support for MUT!

There Are No Accidents!
Tucson, Arizona
co-leader of:
Living With Bipolar & Losing Weight and Disabled

Take time to laugh - it is the music of the soul.
-- From an old English prayer.


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BRITDIANE's Photo BRITDIANE SparkPoints: (12,095)
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3/7/08 1:05 P

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I hope it helped you to share your problem, I had a problem a week or so ago and the people on this team were so helpful and supportive it made me feel alot better. I hope it works for you too, I know how hard it is to look at yourself truthfully and admit it, especially in public! You have been very brave and taken a good first step to helping yourself by sharing the problem. You won't fail if you can admit what the problems are, just remember we all have bad days but need to put them behind us and get on with trying to be the person we would like to be.

emoticon emoticon

Edited by: BRITDIANE at: 3/7/2008 (13:04)
"Never give up on a goal because of the time it will take to achieve it - the time will pass anyway."


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SUGARSMOM2 SparkPoints: (142,225)
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3/7/08 12:48 P

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that my darling is what we are here for to listen. to hear all you say and offer you a kind word. a friendly pat on the back . we really do understand . now you have to forgive yourself . don't you feel better for telling . It helps to unburden yourself and to share. we are all human and understand your pain. yes you describe a scene many of us live with you. in secret now it does not have to be a secret, once in the open don't you feel better . emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

sugarsmom2 donna wva


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CINEMAPRINCESS Posts: 297
3/7/08 12:33 P

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I heard all your angst. I agree, we all have what I call slip days, when we binge or go over our calories.

I am also very concerned about your binging. You probably know that this can cause serious health issues.

Please stay in touch. You are applauded for being honest and evaluating your eating. Please stay in touch. We are here for you.

GRANDMAAMIE's Photo GRANDMAAMIE Posts: 44,047
3/7/08 11:27 A

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HI THANKS FOR SHARING IT WAS VERY BRAVE OF YOU GOES TO SHOW YOU DO HAVE STRENGTH
HAPPY YOUR GETTING BACK ON THE WAGAN TODAY
AND DONT GO BUY ANY MORE OF THOSE SNACKS

GOOD LUCK

.•*´¨ ) ¸.•*¨) -:¦:-
(¸.•´(•*¨. ♥.•*¨)
{¸.•´+*+AMIE+*+*+{¸ ;.• .•*¨}.•* .**+* SORRY ABOUT CAPS NOT YELLING VERY POOR EYE SIGHT DIABETIC +++++ HUGGS

Stop living life for what's around the corner and start enjoying the walk down the street.
***************************

NEVER LOOK DOWN AT ANYONE UNLESS YOUR HELPING THEM UP!
****************************

This life is yours. Take the power
to choose what you want to do .


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CROTTY's Photo CROTTY Posts: 122,361
3/7/08 11:10 A

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SEEHOLZ: Wonderful post. I wish there was a special place to put it so it could be referred to when needed. Thank you for helping all on EE!



There Are No Accidents!
Tucson, Arizona
co-leader of:
Living With Bipolar & Losing Weight and Disabled

Take time to laugh - it is the music of the soul.
-- From an old English prayer.


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SEEHOLZ's Photo SEEHOLZ SparkPoints: (114,820)
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3/7/08 10:39 A

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I agree with the last post. I have days when my old ED habits get the best of me and I sabotage myself and end up eating - for whatever reason! I go through similar emotions and even though I don't purge my guts out, I have try to be extra good. Or worse yet, I just don't care about the weight gain, about the way I look, act or anything else. That kind of behavior can and will turn into a vicious cylce if you don't put a stop to it and make the choice to choose differently next time.
I have noticed for myself that I don't do good when I have certain foods in the house. What about going to the store to pick up a dessert rather than having it around? At least, until you get stronger.
I had this giant issue with white, gross, disgusting bread, because I kept eating off the breadcrust after I would wake up around midnight or so, after falling asleep on the couch. It became a bad habit and no matter what kind of bread I bought, I ended up eating the bread crust at night. I had to have some bread for my boys' sandwiches and my husband got mad when there was no bread. It became messy. The only thing that has helped me thus far with the bread situation has been to buy this gross bread from Convenient. I could still eat the breadcrust, but for whatever reason ( the way it smells) it doesn't appeal to me. My boys have to eat it for a little while it they want sandwiches. I have been buying pita bread and English muffins, so there are other choices ( I cannot handle bagels or waffles either very well, so I don't usually buy them!). But, until I get even stronger ( it's been a few weeks now, yipee!!!!!), I won't buy other bread. They don't know better and I do want to feed them better bread ( there are so many healhtier choices out ther), but a) they eat 1 sandwich for lunch 4-5 days per week and b) they alternate with pita or wraps some days. It's a good compromise for the present moment.
My point is that you need to be self-honest with yourself. Maybe you are better off getting rid of the foods that caused you to binge for a few weeks, so that those old habits don't get a hold of you. The problem with ED behavior is that it becomes part of me and is so deeply entrenched that sometimes it is just hard.
I believe you can and will move forward, because you know you are worth it.
It is great that you came to these boards and honestly laid down the truth- the actual, unchanged truth. Self-honestly is critical! I am really proud of you. Keep coming back and just keep in the present moment. We don't have to worry about yesterday nor tomorrow, since all we have is right now!

BECOME WHAT YOU WANT TO ATTRACKT!


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TANYA210's Photo TANYA210 Posts: 23,058
3/7/08 10:31 A

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Don't beat yourself up over one bad day. We all have those days. It is how you handle it that counts. Do a little bit more cardio than you normally would do. It sounds like you are taking responsibilty for it. Today is a nother day. You can do this. Keep the faith inyourself and let go of the self doubt.

Tanya

Always keep the Faith in yourself, never give into self doubt.


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SPARKLINJEWELLS's Photo SPARKLINJEWELLS SparkPoints: (0)
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3/7/08 10:27 A

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i have to admire your honesty

and i'm afraid i can actually see it, picture it- cuz i've sure done it

i think i'm more worried about your "purging" than the falling off the wagon

granted, i've never done it- probably lucky for me or i don't know how easy it could be for me to abuse that!

but there's no way that can be healthy-- and you sure don't want to start those bad habits up again

so-

you had a bad day

i know it's unrealistic to think those will never happen! there's times i actually end up giving myself permission to have those-- and just hunker down the next stretch to get it back together

i don't know why we sabotage ourselves-- fear of success, old habits of what a reward is, not feeling we deserve the good days?? i don't know, i haven't figured mine out yet

but i know i'll have bad days

i just need to not let a bad day turn into a bad week, or even longer

is this too cliche??.......you fell off, now get back on!!

it works for me sometimes!

FORGET WILLPOWER.

"Losing weight is not about willpower--it's about moments of bravado, like the moment when you ask your waiter to take the bread away from the table right away." ~~Jillian Michaels


~~we don't see things as they are, we see things as we are-- anais nin




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SHARONWORSLEY SparkPoints: (0)
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3/7/08 10:08 A

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I think we all have those days where we sabotage ourselves however the more quilt it seems the more we keep on the same route.You have said it let it go. Write out a few things you can do in those moments of weakness next time.Most times if you can resist for 30 second ,you can do it. Keep your chin up ! You are going to do it.

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CROTTY's Photo CROTTY Posts: 122,361
3/7/08 10:06 A

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MJTRMPLETON; We can only guide and advise you, you have to do the hard work. We dan sympathize with you but we can't stop you from eating. After you log your food in, read posts so you will feel renewed and rewarded. That will take your mind off rewarding yourself with food. This is true for everyone one of us. We must learn to think of consequences first.

There Are No Accidents!
Tucson, Arizona
co-leader of:
Living With Bipolar & Losing Weight and Disabled

Take time to laugh - it is the music of the soul.
-- From an old English prayer.


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LINDA!'s Photo LINDA! Posts: 87,383
3/7/08 9:44 A

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Okay - you did bad one day. We all do....you are going to do better. Try to do a little extra exercise today and drink water. Don't beat yourself up over your slip up. This is a lifestyle change and one bad day won't ruin it for ya.

Hugs, Linda

emoticon

Linda - Florida

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MJTEMPLETON's Photo MJTEMPLETON SparkPoints: (0)
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3/7/08 9:22 A

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I need you guys right now. I don't know what's wrong with me here in the last couple of days. Last night after logging a "very healthy" score on the lifestyle scale, I screwed it up bad! I'm going to step out on an emotional limb here and spill what my cycle "really" looks like. First I was so happy that I had actually got all my fitness in and was way ahead on water...but I wanted something salty...so...a bag of ACTII Movie butter
popcorn later...I thought, now I want something sweet, maybe just a little snack from the freezer, after all I have all those SmartOnes desserts from WW. I started with the Strawberry shortcake, "Oh good" I thought...only 150 calories...but, that whetted my taste buds...so, "I'll just have one of those Chocolate Éclair's too". Having put on winter boots to go out to the deep freeze, I thought to myself, I'll just take the rest of these packages inside and try to find space in the side-by-side.
You'd have to live with my BH to understand the normal state of our freezer, but needless to say...there wasn't any room, so in my already calorie lusting mind there was only one thing to do.
Into the microwave went the other 2 desserts and up to my bedroom I went to hide with my food loot! They went down so fast. The guilt began almost immediately...my mind reeled with my food sins. "Why
didn't I go to Spark! in my moments of weakness?" I spoke the words out loud as I headed downstairs to the bathroom where no one would hear me expelling my sins into the bowl. I had trouble getting it up. The popcorn made it abrasive, but a few heaves later and I gleefully looked at the calories swooshing down into the pipes. I have struggled with Bulimia for several years now...untreated, but very much a self project for overcoming. Since SparkPeople this was my first time to succumb to its "perceived" benefits but I didn't know what else to do! I cringed at having to add all those calories to my "Add Food" list. I just couldn't... emoticon
Maybe that would have been the end of it, but it wasn't...I was so disappointed in myself, I didn't even turn off the computer last night. I decided to take some AdvilPM so maybe I would fall asleep and forget about my crimes. About an hour and a half later, I was actually feeling relief at the close call. I still felt guilty about the purge though, but was willing to trade the guilt of that for the guilt of having binged. Somewhere in my twisted perception of things I thought, hey! Now you can actually have a little snack without worrying about the added calories!!! I headed back downstairs, looking around the kitchen for some "appropriate" calories. Unfortunately, I do my shopping on Friday so I was out of fruit, cottage cheese, all the stuff that I would normally get a measured portion of when I got the urge. Instead, I grabbed a roll of Ritz vegetable crackers and "hurried" back up the stairs with it. I actually hurried!! What in the world?? Upstairs I pulled open the pack and just started eating...one after the other after the other...and so on, until 3/4 of the pack was gone. Psychically, I was spent...somewhere I drifted off to sleep. I wasn't done beating myself over the head yet though. I woke up every couple of hours. The only thing I can tell you is I felt as if I were in mourning. I'd ask myself, "WHY, why did you do that??" Why did I totally sabotage my most excellent day? Over and over again, the sleep, wake, and question cycle until I knew that the first thing I needed to do this AM was tell you guys and hope for a few encouraging words.
Today is a new day though...I'm going to try and put this behind me and start new. I guess I am just afraid that even if I make it through the whole day on the "perfect" plan, I can still be ambushed late at night. This worries me, that my thinking patterns are even "going there"! Normally I approach things with a logical base, but there seems to be no logic to be found with this battle. Thanks for hearing me out. emoticon

emoticon emoticon

Best wishes in reaching your goals,



MJTempleton


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