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LIVMELODIES's Photo LIVMELODIES SparkPoints: (2,401)
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2/8/14 1:07 A

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SUSIE505 Very good outlook emoticon

Edited by: LIVMELODIES at: 2/8/2014 (01:08)
"Fasten up because you experience some turbulence on your way up to comfortable altitude."

"Happiness is in the journey not the destination"


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LIVMELODIES's Photo LIVMELODIES SparkPoints: (2,401)
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2/8/14 1:06 A

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I grew up in foster care from the age of 6 until 13. In that time i went to 17 different schools. I was then adopted and ended up running away at 16. I think a lot of my issues with my self esteem, eating control, and boding with others are rooted in my childhood. However, bad situations are only bad as you let them be. I stayed positive and continue fighting my battles and making progress. Im not perfect, but going to school and being apart of Spark and having loved ones makes me pretty grateful.

I can relate to those who grew up in abusive homes, and can applaud those who fight to stay positive about their hardships and open up to share them with others.

"Fasten up because you experience some turbulence on your way up to comfortable altitude."

"Happiness is in the journey not the destination"


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MOMTOCONNOR2003's Photo MOMTOCONNOR2003 Posts: 5,169
2/3/14 11:54 A

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I think family disfunction is the new thing. Ha ha! I think it is strange to come from a normal family. My parents divorced when I was 5 and my sister and myself were left at my Grandparents. I would go years and never se my mother and my Dad was to busy dating to having anythign to do with us. (unless he wanted to impress a girl with his cute daughters. He showed back up when I was in the 10th grade and wanted us back and my Grandparents gave us over. I gained like 25 pounds that year. Emotional eatting. I really did not like my father, he has a violent temper and would scare my sister and I all of the time. Needless to say I moved away when I was 19. My sister could do no wrong in my fathers eyes and I could do no right. He would always tell me I acted like my mother, I was the reason he was divorced both times because I did not cover up his cheating, etc.

Took me years to not be angry with him, now I just tolerate him at family functions. I love my Grandmother (Grandad died 14 years ago) and I love my sister but I will never move back there. To many bad memories. I love my life other than my weight. Leaving it all behind was the best thing I could have done and started my own life.

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BESTSWEST's Photo BESTSWEST SparkPoints: (6,661)
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1/10/14 3:09 P

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My parents divorced when I was young and the love of my life left me in college for another man! I can relate to hurt abandonment and the emotional eating that comes with it! But we can rise above these things

SWEST


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SUSIE505's Photo SUSIE505 SparkPoints: (7,718)
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1/4/14 10:00 P

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I look at it this way. I can't change the past and I won't let it shape my future.

REMEMBER:

Most barriers to your success are man made and most often you are the man (woman) that makes them,

Our eyes are placed in the front because it is more important to look ahead then look back. You can't change the past, but your future is in your control, no one else.

Best of luck to all of you and feel free to e mail me if you would like some motivation.
emoticon emoticon

A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step..

It will take more than some of your TIME
It will take more than a little of your EFFORT
IT WILL TAKE EVERYTHING YOU'VE GOT


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YESICANYESIWILL's Photo YESICANYESIWILL SparkPoints: (16,844)
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11/21/13 3:08 P

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I, too, had a very difficult childhood and I feel that it does explain why I struggle with food addiction the way that I do.

My parents married when they were very young and it turns out that neither of them actually wanted to get married. My mother was expecting my sister; she proceeded to have 4 other children that she hadn't planned and didn't particularly want. I don't mean to say that our parents didn't love us; they did. They just couldn't seem to tame their own demons. Both of them have expressed regret about this (my Dad before he died and my Mom many times over the years.) That only helps to a certain extent, though; I know many people consider it making excuses, but I honestly believe that our brains can undergo changes during traumatic events that make "just getting over it" very difficult.

Physically, we always had what we needed (although a lot of that was thanks to my grandmother). Emotionally... oh dear, definitely not! My father was an alcoholic who died when I was 30 (I'm 51 now). He was a brilliant man who could hysterically funny. When he was sober. He was also kind when he was sober. When he wasn't sober... not so much. I wasn't the usual target for his cruel remarks (and the abuse was almost always verbal; I can only think of a couple of instances where he dished out physical punishment that was considered excessive at that time.) My Mom took the brunt of his verbal assaults, and my younger sister, who dared to talk back to him the most, could set him off, too. I learned very early on not to approach when he was "that way". I didn't understand why he'd come home so late and be acting so strange until I was older, of course, but I have memories of being very young and cognizant that I didn't want to see my Dad. I'd pretend I was asleep. Not that you could get much sleep in my house; my parents argued frequently and loudly.

My evenings were spent worrying about where my Dad was and if he'd arrive home safely and worrying about setting my Mom off. Her abuse was physical; she had no control over herself whatsoever. Plus, even when things were relatively calm, she was cold and distant. The long and the short of it is that I grew up knowing (not just feeling, but knowing, because sometimes my Mom would even say it) unwanted. I don't know when or how I started using food to self-medicate. There wasn't enough of it in our house to abuse it that way. We were fed well balanced meals, but there was always just enough for everyone to have one serving, We didn't have desserts. I remember that I started obsessing about my weight the summer before my senior year in high school (I think I weighed a whole 132 pounds and was convinced I was fat!) I got down to around 115 before school started and it has been up and down (mostly up) since then. I have 3 surviving siblings (I had a sister who died when I was 19). The oldest is a workaholic who elected never to have children, despite being in a stable and financially secure marriage. My younger sister is a mess, but the one thing she doesn't struggle with is her weight. And my brother also is very heavy. All of us trace our struggles back to being so desperately unhappy while we were growing up. I never actually considered suicide, but there were certainly many times when I wished I wasn't alive.

Edited by: YESICANYESIWILL at: 11/21/2013 (15:19)
Diane in California

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TKWOLF13's Photo TKWOLF13 SparkPoints: (686)
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11/3/13 11:23 A

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These things I am reading echo my own childhood. We on the outside looked fairly normal I suppose but all the secrets that went on when the doors were closed... I was a latch-key kid too. My mom was the breadwinner and stable influence. But she was the daughter of a raging alcoholic, raised by her grandmother, and did not like physical closeness. So the major fun day would be when mom got paid and filled the frig to overflowing. Eating was the only time of peace and pleasure. That and church. But mom was a stevedore and I was 5 before I knew my name wasn't "you little MF." I said that to her on her death bed and she laughed her ass off. She was such a 'zoner.'

My father never wanted kids. He was 12th in line of 13 kids and was very unformed himself. My abuse started at 10 months, by an uncle. My father eventually joined in when I was 6. Then some neighborhood "pals." Eventually even their boy children somehow found out so there was some abuse club going on. The only friend I had was the Virgin Mary. he was always in my presence. Christ even came to me one day, I touched his robe and after that knew I could get through it, that they couldn't break me unless I let them. They never did. Regardless of what they did to my outer body.

I married very young to the "perfect man" and got away from there, from Detroit. As a teenager I had discovered my purpose in music and by the time I married at 17 I was getting a name around town. My husband and I moved to LA because a manager told me that was where I needed to go. It started a journey through hell, because LA is a pretty destructive yet deepening place. I met my best friends and worse enemies there and worked through most of the abuse issues. Came out as a gay woman and met my life partner. She has been my angel through 30 years of recovery. As I have been hers - she is a cancer survivor. When we met we had both be agoraphobic for about a year or so. Our mutual roommates dragged us out of the house that night and we met and we have been inseparable since.

The major lasting issue is the weight thing. When I start putting control in, I go ragey nuts for a couple days. This time I have confronted the need to go through this and not avoid it. Avoiding the melt down keeps me fat and getting fatter. Luckily my partner knows this and does her best to deal with it.

What I think is, no one has a license or training to raise kids. Anyone can have a child. Wanted, unwanted, doesn't mean a thing to biology. I never had kids because I knew I needed too much care myself. The worse thing to do is to withdraw but that is always my first instinct. I moved back to Michigan a year ago... to Northern Michigan instead of Detroit. And I gained about 30 pounds I'd worked so hard to lose as those issues revivified. But I made such instant, good friends up here. Friends who love me no matter what. They are all about 20 years younger than us, but I guess that's as far as my maturity rate has come, so we all really get along! I'm 62 now.

All I can say is, I know now it wasn't my fault, as the sickos will try to tell you. The secret does not need to be kept because it isn't our secret. And we don't need to wear it on our sleeves either, like some kind of poo-poo badge. We aren't the weasels in this situation. The perps are. Even if we acquiesced to survive.

It is a different world now than when I had that experience. It's more talked about. And perhaps my father was abused himself in the Boston Archdiocese. They are all dead now, I'll never know. The best thing you can do for yourself is just pick outside the box when it comes to relationships. Pick someone you know will be good to you. Because a good relationship is your saving grace and can help heal all wounds. Nothing may remove the scar tissue, but I try to think of that as "war wounds" as a survivor of my own personal Auschwitz. I survived. I made something much better of my life. You can too.

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MAGGIE1944's Photo MAGGIE1944 Posts: 54
10/18/13 9:20 A

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I grew up with a Mom who was single, and struggling to make enough money to support herself, her Mother, and me. She used alcohol and cigarettes her entire life to cope with her depression and sadness. She was verbally abusive sometimes, and neglectful all the time. There were so many things I wish she had taught me but I am also very grateful that she did always provide a safe, and warm home; sufficient clothes and food, and some good goals in life. She wanted me to graduate from college and be able to support myself without trusting a man to provide for me.

Unfortunately, she also taught me to not trust any one very far. I am glad I chose to seek counseling as a young adult, and I chose to stop drinking and smoking in middle age. I have worked hard to reverse the messages I received as a child and I now am pretty happy and content. I believe I am good enough as I am and with some work on not giving up on long range health goals I believe I will live long, and prosper. I know it can be done. I know starting with small steps and keeping a focus each day will get me there!

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GODSOWNCHILD's Photo GODSOWNCHILD Posts: 71
10/7/13 2:16 P

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Wow wow wow penny so much of what you shared tells my childhood. Except it was both my parents not just my dad. There wasn't the physical abuse, but plenty of emotional. My two sisters did not get the same treatment and of course my brother got to be favorite.
When my sister who was just younger than me died skydiving at age 20 the emotional pain inflicted by my parents when they stated how they thought she would live and I would die because of my illegal activities I wanted to die. Suicide haunted me for many years. In Feb 1989 My Heavenly Father showed me what unconditional love is.
Today I have a fair relationship with my parents they both have given their lives over to the Heavenly Father as well. Strained at times but better. I still deal with flashbacks and such, at least now I know God is holding me.

I am a work in progress.
Sin isn't sin because God said so. God said so because it is.
Putting one foot in front of the other - a race is won one step at a time
SUPERPSYCHED30's Photo SUPERPSYCHED30 Posts: 175
9/25/13 9:59 A

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I don't know who my father is but I was raised by a mom who chose to use alcohol to work through her pain and emotions and was verbally/emotionally abusive towards me. I still remember when she was drunk and said "maybe I would have had a better life if you had never been born" I carried that with me for years and even when I told her what she said, she said she didn't recall-which hurt more than the words.

I was spanked because I would always steal candy and then one day I would sneak into her alcohol cabinet to figure out why she would always drink that. She held a butcher knife to my throat one evening and said if I didn't stop crying, she would do something about it.

I watched my mom enter one abusive relationship (physically) to the emotionally. I watched her get beaten repeatedly until I came into the bedroom of the guy she was seeing and told him to get off my mom. He chased me into the room I was sleeping in and put his hands around my neck choking me and then she came in behind me and cracked a vase upside his head and scratched his neck. It took some urging and living in a homeless shelter but we got our own place and started over again.

The drinking never stopped nor the verbal abuse. My mom was awesome to be around when she was sober, the most caring, loving, funny mom in the world but she was broken inside and always hated herself and her life. I still remember that day when she said she was going to die someday and I cried so hard. Funny that day would come 2 weeks before my college graduation which was 9 years ago

I am still processing and letting go of all my trauma but it never truly goes away. I miss my mom during the happy moments and when she would hold me close and call me her "baby girl" I miss her doing my hair and our chats about silly boys and when she came into the technology age, having webcam chats. My mom grew up in an abusive environment and would recall the horror she saw from her own dad beating her mom. My mom never really dealt with her trauma but I wish she would have gotten to realize her dream of becoming a lawyer and seeing me graduate

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9/7/13 8:30 P

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lnjm906 and beautifulphat thank you for you stories or for letting others know you will help them if needed.IGod bless you both

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!! whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life!!!
LEADER-PARTNERSHIP ACCOUNTABILITY TO THE FINISH LINE.
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BEAUTIFULPHAT's Photo BEAUTIFULPHAT SparkPoints: (1,528)
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8/27/13 12:30 P

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As a child I was beaten by my father when he was not in prison, neglected by my mom because she was getting her nursing degree so she could provide for us. I was the mother to my 4 other sisters. I witnessed the rape of a family member and I was next. I lived in severe poverty, never having proprer clothing, food, heat (I lived in Michigan). I was always passed from one babysitter tot he next. Not the ideal childhood. If anyone has any questions please ask. I am an open book. I will share in more detail


Edited by: BEAUTIFULPHAT at: 8/27/2013 (12:31)
~~ Cryssy ~~
Just Breathe.
~~ Success is not final,
Failure is not fatal:
it is the
~ COURAGE ~
to continue that counts ~~
~ Winston Churchill ~


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8/6/13 4:43 P

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I was a pathological liar as a child, so I understand my parents' discipline. They were, and still are, wonderful people and I couldn't ask for better parents. The problem came when I was 10 and we moved to a new house, and a new state, and had my dad's sister living with us.

I sincerely believe that she either has BPD or schizophrenia, because the way she treated us was inhumane. She treated the dogs better than she treated us. Beating, hair pulling, screaming, attempted drowning, locking us in a room for hours on end with no water, that is only the tip of the iceberg. I tried to tell my dad, and he said "Get used to it because there are people like her all over the world." I never realized that he didn't know, and so I came to associate all people with her. I have a very hard time trusting people because of it. She eventually was kicked out of the house for the verbal abuse, but my parents never knew about the physical aspect; however, my aunt works for my dad and so she still is a regular presence around the house.

Two years ago I finally moved out of the house and everything was going great until I was about ready to go home for Christmas. I realized that my aunt would probably be there; I finally called my dad and told him everything. Both he and my mom have been supportive of me since then, and have never once not believed me, and have taken further steps to protect my younger siblings.

Now, however, I've hit another bump in the road; I think the stress from nursing school started it, but I've been having nightmares and flashbacks and intrusive thoughts about what happened; I withdrew from my group; my grades dropped; I got laid off from work; and eventually I had to take a leave of absence from school. I went to a therapist who has diagnosed me with acute PTSD.

To this day I don't really hate my aunt. I think what she's done is horrible and I pray daily for justice, but I don't hate her. (Bear in mind I don't like her, either.) Now I've started therapy and have started a new diet and am feeling great.

I have a long road ahead of me, but at least there's light at the end of the tunnel now.

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LOISJOHN14VS6's Photo LOISJOHN14VS6 Posts: 863
7/13/13 4:37 P

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I appreciate your sharing for this gives others courage to share, as well. I can't imagine all of the painful childhood experiences shared here and how they tend to affect ones' adult life.
You can empathize with one another and encourage healing. The rest of us care as well.
Hugs and Blessings,

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.
Philippians 4:19 But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus
Matthew 6:33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
John 14:6 Jesus said unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life; no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.
Ephesians 6:10 Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the pow
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7/12/13 8:44 P

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Oh my gosh. I'm reading all these posts and my heart is breaking. I've been coming to terms with my own difficult childhood after denying it affected me for a long time, but it doesn't come close to anything on here. My parents had a messy divorce and I was left with my mother to not only raise myself and my siblings but basically take care of her from the age of 8. She dated an endless stream of manipulative and dangerous boyfriends who thankfully never physically or sexually abused me, but ruled over us with an iron fist. My mother had serious depression and was often suicidal. She was also emotionally and physically abusive (even though she's smaller than me, I was always afraid of her and still am). My father was little better. I was always told that I should feel lucky because at least I wasn't severely beaten or raped. I felt that way myself for a long time, too. Reading through these accounts on here, I feel so much compassion for all the poor children this happened to. Every time I remember or hear about parents mistreating their children, I make a vow that I will never, ever let it happen to my own kids (when I have them).

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7/3/13 9:46 P

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I came across this page and felt moved to respond. I was not physically or sexually abused. I was bullied most of my childhood. I continue to experience worthlessness and constantly question my abilities. I want you all to know that I have never walked in your shoes I have devoted my life to helping children with abuse issues. I am now a Clinical Manager at an agency that oversees children that have been traumatized by every type of experience imaginable. You are all very courageous for your willingness to share and it seems like many of you have been leading successful lives. I feel lonely alot because I have few friends, I am afraid to let anyone see the real me due to what I have endured as a child. My parents were and are mentally ill and couldn't help me or protect me. I still feel like a five year old although I do a pretty competent job of being a parent and spouse. I was in therapy for many years and helped alot-but the scars still remain. God bless you all.

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6/28/13 8:57 A

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Thank you for starting this thread! I definitely believe my childhood has everything to do with my current weight/eating issues. I was a "latchkey kid" growing up in loosey-goosey Northern California, with divorced parents. For those of you unfamiliar with the term "latchkey kid", it basically means I wore the house key on a string around my neck, and let myself in to an empty house day after day, upon returning from school. I lived with my mom until I was about 7, and then my sister and I went to live with our dad--which was considered highly unusual at the time. Even though I continued to be a latchkey kid then, it was a big improvement over living with my mom. My mom clearly never wanted to be a mom. When I was in preschool and after-school day care (until about the age of 6), my mom would frequently "forget" to pick me up at school, and the staff would have to drop me off at the local police station. Nowadays a mom that negligent would be reported to Child Protective Services, but back in the 70s it just didn't occur to anyone that this neglect was a form of abuse. When my mom was at home with us, she just ignored us. She'd often go out at night and leave us alone with no baby-sitter. She'd leave my older sister in charge. I'm talking about a 7 year old having to feed and get to bed a 3-year old. My mom would leave us a can of Spaghetti-Os or a box of Mac and Cheese. That's what we'd eat most nights.
When we moved in with our Dad, he was clearly a lot more attentive and appreciative of his role as a parent, but he still had to work and I still had to come home to an empty house and wait sometimes until 7:30 at night for him to get home and fix dinner. So, from the age of 7, I'd walk home from school (which was a very long and somewhat dangerous journey because we lived in an unsavory part of town). When I got home, I'd hunker down in front of the TV and simply eat and watch TV until my dad came home. Instead of coming home to a warm hug, I learned that food was my comfort--it was my parent, and my friend. It filled me up when I was lonely and afraid. I couldn't articulate these feelings when I was that age, so I think I started to internalize a lot of anger, and coped with all those negative feelings by "stuffing" them with food.

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LIVELYLULU37's Photo LIVELYLULU37 Posts: 1,573
6/28/13 8:43 A

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I was physically, mentally, verbally-and I guess you could even say sexually abused by my father. I had a rough life growing up. But I don't look at it that way. As a mother yes, I am horrified at how he treated me, but he was very "messed up" in his head. Not that that forgives him of how I was treated....but I can "forgive" him easier. Even if it is still a little hard, I am still trying to forgive. If that makes sense, great.....

As a teenager, I almost had sex when I didn't want too. My body language stated no, but I didn't say it. Also there was other numerous times I had to pretend to be asleep while boys tried to have their way with me. Blame it on the pot?? Maybe, anyway, I look at growing up as I did not in a negative way, but it helped make me more aware of how I can help protect my daughter while she grows up (with older boys).

I don't think or dread or even tell many people about my past, because it helped shape my future. And I also wanted to share this point...... The circle of abuse ended with me!!!! How great is that!!!! I am so proud of myself!!!!

I'm opening a new page of a new chapter in my life!! Boy, it feels great!!


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SONSHINESUE518's Photo SONSHINESUE518 Posts: 466
6/27/13 8:42 A

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Wow, that is SO great, about your daughter!!


be blessed, and be a blessing, Sue


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RPCLEM2000's Photo RPCLEM2000 SparkPoints: (35,673)
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6/26/13 11:43 P

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Packers,

Try changing your daughters diet to gluten free/wheat free. My daughter is bipolar. She started eating clean without wheat or gluten and she is now completely off the meds and doesn't show signs of bipolar any more. Oh she also exercised a lot.

All her growing up years she was nothing but trouble. At the time there was no such thing as bipolar. The crying spells and anger tantrums. We had in a psych ward a couple of times. The change since she made this change in lifestyle was absolutely incredible. She is the sweetest, even tempered young lady. It is such a change.

I hope you give it a try. It's not easy but if it works its definitely worth it if you both become happier people behind it. Let me know.

pam



Pam: The Weekly Challenge Team Leader. I have reached my weight loss goal and lost 103 lbs.


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SONSHINESUE518's Photo SONSHINESUE518 Posts: 466
6/26/13 4:23 P

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Oh, Vickie.

I am so sorry for all that you have been through. emoticon


be blessed, and be a blessing, Sue


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6/26/13 11:03 A

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Victoria,

My dear you are playing old tapes. No-one has a perfect childhood. I was an unwanted child also. I wasn't an orphan but my parents delighted in telling the story of how I was an error and my Father wouldn't talk to my Mother for a week when she told him she was pregnant. I was molested as a child along with many other horrible things I don't wish to recite to a group.

It makes you the person you are today if you choose it to. It is a choice. You can choose to look back or you can choose to look forward. I put a big pillow in a chair and yelled at all those that hurt me and beat the heck out of all of them. As silly as it sounds, it helped. I turned my back on all of it with my Lords help. It really is easier than it sounds. Just choose a different path. Once you have done that then you will find happiness and joy take the place of hurt and pain.

The hardest thing to do is to stop playing those old tapes that are keeping you hostage. You are a joyful, wonderful human being who is loved. If no where else you are loved by your friends here on this web sight. Reach out to people in a joyful manner and others will do the same. Please look into a church. If you are not a Christian it's OK. Just walk in the doors and listen. They may say or do something that will touch your heart. If you don't get what you need then try a different one. The Lord will guide you if you give Him the opportunity.

Look forward not backward. Nothing good ever happens by looking back at the pain. Remember that as much as you have suffered, there are others that have endured worse.

I hope this helps you. Feel free to reach out to me if you need love or encouragement. I'm always around.

Love you. Pam
Co-Leader, Weekly Challenges team

Edited by: RPCLEM2000 at: 6/26/2013 (11:12)
Pam: The Weekly Challenge Team Leader. I have reached my weight loss goal and lost 103 lbs.


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PACKERS4LIFE13 Posts: 13
6/26/13 10:33 A

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This is difficult to just point your story out here. I was raised in a very abusive degrading home. I have been in some seriously ugly relationships and don't feel like I will ever be good enough. I have let food control my life :( I have completely spiraled out of control to 290 pounds :( I am also dealing with a child that has bi-polar, along with adhd and many other issues as an 8 year old. :(

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6/22/13 2:36 P

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I was born illegimate, unloved, unwanted, beaten, molested and raised in a poor area where I was the only child of my own color, religion and nationality.

A lifetime of counseling has not done a huge amount to relieve the pain of being told I was not wanted, and those bad early experiences formed me into the woman I have become, which though not nice to say, but one with a trillion and one problems and a difficulty in coping with life of a daily basis.

' Dogs never bite me, only humans ' .....Marilyn Monroe

'When choosing between two evils, I always chose the one the I haven't tried before ' ......Mae West


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6/17/13 5:10 P

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Please never give up nor look back nor live in the pain of yesterday.

Jesus tells us to cast our cares upon him for He cares for you.

Love you all.


d


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6/10/13 1:04 P

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KASIMA,

I truly feel your pain! I withdrew for years, (I am 57 and didn't reach out for help until I was 48)
It took hitting an all time low of wanting to die before I went to a Trauma Recovery Center for 6 months in 2005. I know now that only I can help defeat the negative/toxic people. I do daily positive affirmations, meditate and journal. I also paint to help release any negativity and most important, I learned the importance of BOUNDARIES! Just like you, I could always guide and help others, just not myself. Now I know that I cannot give what I do not have, so it is very important for me to nurture myself as well as others.

One of the greatest gifts I gave to myself is the power to see the amazing and beautiful creation of our Lord that I truly was made to be. Please pamper yourself, and if you ever need to talk, please send me a private message!!

Blessings and Hug!

"The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but building the new". ~Socrates

"Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain."

Smile...Crochet...Have a GREAT DAY...IT IS MANDATORY :0)


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6/10/13 9:25 A

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I have been emotionally and sometimes physically abused all my life, and people just seem to see me as someone they can be hateful to. So I need LOTS of positive energy to keep going. I tend to isolate as a defense mechanism to keep people from harming me. I go through friends rather quickly, because the minute they start putting me down, I just get rid of them. I won't have negative people in my life at all. I live with a person who is constantly talking about how weak and tired she is. I am trying to be a positive influence on her, and I think I'm succeeding a little, as she is now on a diet and getting more exercise by doing some much-needed yard work. I love to encourage people, so if you're having a bad day, feel free to email me and I'll try to make you feel better without making your concerns and feeling seem inconsequential.

Follow me on Twitter https://twitter.com/IAmKasima
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6/1/13 11:16 P

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It is so heart-warming to hear from so many people who have suffered abuse from others, yet have not only survived....but truly LIVE now! There were times in my life when I wanted to die.....now.....I have learned to forgive....yet not place myself amongst those who have hurt me so. I pray daily for them and wish NO harm....yet I will protect myself and my family by setting boundaries. This has been so liberating and positive. I hope others can share in this freedom to be truly the amazing person we are each meant to be!!

"The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but building the new". ~Socrates

"Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain."

Smile...Crochet...Have a GREAT DAY...IT IS MANDATORY :0)


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6/1/13 9:06 A

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When I was growing up I was physically, and mentally abused by my dad. to the point now I have a speech impairment , a slight learning disablty, and bad eye sight, from mild brain damage that was caused. I was not allowed to go to school, until the state step in when I was 14 years old.As a teenager I was constant runaway, I spent more time in state ran runaway homes then at home it self. I tried reporting my father to the state several time, but other then my case worker no one would believe me about it, because my dad was known for being a "good man", and because of my history of being a runaway they thought I trying to cause trouble. Since then I have forgiven my father for what he did, as I know now that he is very sick in the head. I still see and talk to my him every week, but he aloud in my home alone with myself or my kids, because he can still have fits of anger when things don't go his way.

I spent most of my adult years working though this, and I came to find out though I may never forget, forgiving him was the best thing I could ever do. The hate I was holding in my heart for him was not only holding me back, but affected my marriage, and my kids. By fallowing what god asked of me by forgiving and lifting him and the past to the lord, my life has gotten better.
I pray for everyone who post here that shares the same or even worse story That even though you wont forget that you can do the same if you have not already done so. So you can find the peace in your life and in your heart.

Sorry my post was so long. I'm willing to talk to anyone that needs it, even if it just to be a listing ear. Y'all are all n my heart and prayers.

I'm not there yet, but I'm closer then I was yesterday.

Trish- Go Team Peaches!!!!



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5/30/13 9:51 A

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I was sexually, mentally and physically abused my stepfather from ages 4-18. He belongs to a ring of pedophiles so I know films of me are still out there and will always be. At 18, I was handed over to a coven. I broke away from them at 25 and went into hiding for 20 years.

I look at what I typed above and it is 3 sentences that describe 20 years of absolute terror and depravity and censors so much of what happen during that time. The coven was Satanic (yes, they do exist.) And I was forced to do some pretty horrible things while I was with them, before I left, no one was forcing me, I had accepted it as my lot. During all of this, I was being programmed through an MK Ultra program to be emotionless and to not react to pain.

Today, I have finally put all of that where it belongs, in the past, but if someone needs to talk, I will do my best to help. It can get better if you work at it everyday, I am proof of that!!

Blessings and hugs,
Xen

I have only today to enjoy. I have only this one pound to lose!


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5/22/13 10:37 P

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Dear 63KEEPONGOING,
Thank you for the encouragement. If I could help even ONE person I feel blessed. I do hope I can be of some help to more though.

Respectfully,
Marianne

"The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but building the new". ~Socrates

"Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain."

Smile...Crochet...Have a GREAT DAY...IT IS MANDATORY :0)


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5/22/13 5:15 P

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Thank you for sharing daisygirl. May God use your abusive past to reach out to someone who is hurting now the way you use too.


d


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5/20/13 10:11 P

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I, too, was severely abused as a child. So much so, that when I started to read this thread I "went away"; my husband found me staring and crying at the computer screen. He had no idea what triggered my episode, but he lovingly worked to bring me back to the present and remind me that I am safe. I've been trying to get the courage to write something, yet the best I can do is to let all of you know you are in my prayers. "One Day At A Time" is all we can do...in all aspects of our lives...sometimes "one hour at a time" ! Maybe someday I will have the courage to share more, for now, please accept my prayers.

Lovingly in prayer,
Marianne

"The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but building the new". ~Socrates

"Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain."

Smile...Crochet...Have a GREAT DAY...IT IS MANDATORY :0)


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5/16/13 3:34 P

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My past is my Past however . I did have God has changed me I no longer look back unless it is to help others .. I put my hand to the plow and let God lead me and plow up Fallow ground !



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BRIW1234's Photo BRIW1234 Posts: 16
5/15/13 8:54 P

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What song?? Is there a link? Would love to hear it

Bri

Bri


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5/15/13 8:53 P

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I am sorry to hear how challenging your life has been. You can get through this. One step and One day at a time. It has been a challenge for me to change my negative habits into positive. It is about not giving up on you. I believe you can do this and more.

Bri

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4/25/13 12:19 P

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I've had a very rough life for someone who's only 30, and most of it happened before I was 21. I was verbally and physically abused by different people in my life... mostly other kids. I was molested at a young age. I grew up thinking that sex equaled love so I was really self destructive when I was really just trying to find someone to love me. I tried to fit in and tried drinking and smoking pot, eventually got away from those people and realized that was really the only reason I kept doing it. One of my friends from school died when I was in 9th grade, one of my best friends ever who I had a crush on when I was 17 died over a holiday break, a guy I dated when I was 19/20 passed out on some tracks and was run over by a train. I've been in homeless shelters a few times, I ran away a couple times before I was 18. My parents made me leave, but I also wanted to when I was 18. My dad was emotionally abusive, and my mom never did anything about it.

Even through all this, I consider myself a very sweet and compassionate person... I get used a lot and am probably too nice for my own good. I've got horrible judgement, I had a problem for a long time spending money I couldn't afford to. And I still do once in a while though it doesn't happen often. I've gone to college twice, first time I dropped out after a couple quarters because of back pain I didn't know at the time was herniated disks. This last time I went through a divorce and just couldn't afford to go anymore. My back and neck are so bad though, even if I finished I doubt I could handle a job. I'd probably hurt myself trying to work.

So it's me and 3 kids on an SSI income... I'm not proud of it, but I feel like I have no other choice. I cant' even really afford to live where I'm at. I'm not sure what I'm going to do when rent is due next year... I pre paid lot rent til December when I had money from the divorce. I feel like I got really screwed over buying this trailer. Roof leaks, Windows Falling out, outlets are so old only a couple of them will even hold a plug, the kitchen sink just drains underneath the trailer... We had to put new floor down through the whole place... so much more. The A/C is unusable because it leaks freon... I can't afford to get it fixed or refill the freon. It gets like 50 outside and starts to get warm in here. I'm afraid of what summer will be like. Trying to find some used Window air conditioners.

In the divorce my ex husband lied and said our daughter had been living with him the whole year we were seperated (he only had her weekends). Said I couldn't take care of her which I'd been her primary caregiver since the day she was born... I never applied for child support of I could've afforded to stay in my apartment. When I did finally it was too late he filed the divorce and lied. He makes a lot of money so he got her, and I got screwed. I was desperate for money I took less than I was owed. So I'm stuck with almost all the debt, the money is gone, and I have almost nothing to show for it. Everything is breaking. :(

Sorry, I start talking about one thing, and I go off on everything else too.

I don't really binge eat, but there's times I'm so depressed I don't care. I just want comfort food, or I don't want to cook so I get microwave or easy stuff. I'd go out to eat if I could ever afford to.

Just talking about it all brings me down a lot. I've been feeling great for the past week or so. But I'm not gonna let it ruin me. I'm doing really well today with my meals. And am still going for my walk in a little while.

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CRYSTALINA87's Photo CRYSTALINA87 Posts: 2
4/22/13 10:04 A

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This is such a beautiful and inspiring song, I love it!

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4/17/13 4:57 P

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Welcome to a great team where people will not judge you. All we will do is be there for you when you need us. Never be afraid to reach out to someone here. We will be glad to be your friend no matter the circumstances. Goo luck on your new journey.

Jesus is the way!


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4/17/13 3:41 P

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My childhood was just an emotional wreck. I was never physically harmed but i've been called a fat piece of crap since i was 5.

I was never obese but my mom was beautiful and so were all my sisters. I got all the name calling for a decade from everyone like my mom, grandma, sisters, and teachers/students. Even people i didn't even know would come up and call me fat.

I told my grandma that people say mean things to me and she told me jesus will fix everything. During my H.S years i became an atheist because i hated my grandma for telling me that jesus will save me because he obviously forgot.

The only time people ever stopped picking on me was when i lost 70 pounds 2 years ago. Then all of a sudden i was the coolest person ever. I would tell people that i use to be a fat person and they would laugh and call me a liar. Sometimes i get so disgusted with the human race that i just wanna change species and be a bird.

Now i gained the weight back and people around me tell that i am not a happy person. I know i am not as well. I have 2 conflicting personalities. One side of me wants to be angry and say society made me like this because it did. The other side wants to care and believe in something and be happy. I am so confused but i know something has to change and i want to change. Obviously what i am doing now is not working so i wanna try something new.

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4/17/13 11:49 A

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Wow. We have all had our trials, but together we can continue to help each other heal and move on with our lives.

Jesus is the way!


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4/17/13 11:03 A

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Just a regular dysfunctional childhood here. Result of a pair of teenagers that were not expecting or wanting a kid. At 2, I was changing my baby sister's diapers while the parents did drugs and drank themselves to sleep. Father grew up to be a cowardly alcoholic that enjoyed taking his frustrations out on the family he did not want. Mom spent her time cheating on him, leaving and coming back out of guilt for leaving the kids behind maybe. Kept very high grades in school to avoid the beatings, never let anyone close for fear of them meeting my father.

I got fed up one day, walked into the counselor's office at school (age 13 still sucking thumb, overweight to avoid being noticed by the boys, and still wetting the bed), at told the man at the desk that my dad beats me and I want it to stop. Don't think he fully believed me, but he came to my house and confronted my dad anyway. Dad was drunk and told him that we deserved a beating, he would give us a beating. We were taken from him just like that. All the fear gone. Stopped wetting bed, sucking thumb, but still kept the weight coming on.

I swore to myself I would never have kids, never drink, never do drugs. I did not want to ever be my parents. At 19, I met a good guy. Still not sure if it is love or not (fairly certain I still do not know how to give love to a man). We have been together almost 15 years. He meets my criteria for a man perfectly. Doesn't drink, do drugs, beat me, or even raise his voice. At 22, we were surprised by a pregnancy. He was terrified, I was terrified. Looking back, I can not believe I contemplated abortion. Thank God the boyfriend came from such a strong Catholic family. (we did not marry until the kid was 5). I did not let my husband ever meet my father until my son's funeral, and I tried to let my father back into my life at the encouragement of my husband. My father got angry at my daughter (who was under 2) at one of his visits and that was it. I stood in front of him. Towering over me, hand raised, daughter behind me on the floor crying for being yelled at. I was not going to let him hurt her.

I still do not speak to my father, not out of hatred, out of protective nature for my daughter. He does not want to change, and I cannot change him. I can be a better parent than he ever was. My husband no longer encourages me to speak to my father, and I will never tell the husband about the hells I endured growing up. I don't want his pity, and I already have his respect and love. There is no point digging up those skeletons. emoticon

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4/16/13 6:19 P

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Amen

Jesus is the way!


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4/16/13 5:45 P

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I agree. We each are more that just our past. Amen

Life is too short to spend on a couch.


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4/16/13 12:24 P

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Just an Amen to that.


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4/16/13 12:05 A

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I'm trading my sorrows
And I'm trading my shame
And I'm laying it down
For the joy of the Lord

And I'm trading my sickness
And I'm trading my pain
I'm laying it down
For the joy of the Lord


I'm pressed but not crushed
Persecuted, not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
And I am blessed beyond the curse
For His promise will endure
That His joy is going to be my strength

THOUGH MY SORROWS MY LAST FOR THE NIGHT
HIS JOY COMES WITH THE MORNING!

You are more than the sum of your parts. There is more to you, to each of us than a negative childhood or abuse...I am not belittling or negating the emotions or the pain...I know that it's real and that it can color everything you do. But don't think so much about WHO you are. you need to think about WHOSE you are....we are sons and daughters of the King! You know what that means? that the daughter whose earthly father told her she was worthless has a Heavenly Father that made her a Princess...Princess Penny, that's who I am.

I felt like we needed a little encouragement on this thread. I admire everyone's courage and willingness to share. It's not easy, I know.


Edited by: PENNYLYNN73 at: 4/16/2013 (00:07)
Penny
Katy, TX
All your life you are told the things you cannot do.
All your life they will say you’re not GOOD ENOUGH
or STRONG ENOUGH or TALENTED ENOUGH. They’ll say you’re the wrong height or the wrong weight or the wrong type to play this or BE THIS or achieve this. They will tell you no, a THOUSAND times no... AND YOU WILL TELL THEM YES



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4/15/13 1:26 P

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Reading all these posts I feel inspired. we are not alone. It was planning a trip to see my mother and sisters that made me start this journey. I am sure you all feel like I do, that we could right a book with the hurts, heartache and abuse. I know I could. The good thing is we are survivors. I would love to share my story some time but for now I just want to say. Life has been a hard road for me as it has for all of you. It takes work for me to be happy but with the Lord's help I have learned to be victorious and not let the lies of the past get me down we can be victims or victorious. I chose victory. Love to you all.
Robin

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4/15/13 4:35 A

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Meagan, the things that you have shared have really touched my heart. It took a lot of courage to say these things. I hope you find friendship with others here who have known the depth of your pain, as well as, reach out to all of our members. We have a loving, caring and very supportive team. We are here for you and wishing you the greatest success as we make this journey together as a team.

d


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4/15/13 12:19 A

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I was in foster care from the age of 2 to the age of 6. I was placed with irresponsible foster parents and was actually sexually molested when I was 5. When I went back to my parents I was mentally abused by my brothers who didn't know about my problems and tried to commit suicide multiple times. I was better for a time but I got worse again and had issues because of my weight. Now I am trying to fix everything.

Life is too short to spend on a couch.


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4/13/13 3:43 P

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Newbeginning01, it is such a shame for an innocent little child to be born into this world to those who could not appreciate the little innocent angel that she was and on top of it all to abuse her. I am so thankful that you having a loving husband and family who cares and that you have become a role model of a parent for those who abuse others. It is remarkable and wonderful that you have forgiveness in your heart and not let the abuse steal that freedom from you. Always remember, the one that created life within your mother's womb, loves you unfailingly and as a purpose for your life. You are special and one of a kind. May your loneliness that as kept you from making other friends outside of family open into a new world of friendship here on our team, by members who have shared similar experiences, plus those of us who have not. I am so very happy that you shared your story with us.
Blessings, hugs and love,
Lois

d


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4/13/13 3:07 P

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I grew up in a very abusive situation in all 3 abuses. I was to be a boy but surprise was a girl and due to that was a disappointment and put that with my mother had a affair, that made me the object of hate for the man that somewhat raised me. They were going to adopt me out but changed their minds last minute, due to that the nurses named me at 2 weeks old not my parents. When they got tired of me they would give me to another family member and then would take me back whenever it was convenient for them. At age 2 blunt force trauma caused a 6 hour seizure which was stopped by overdosing me with a seizure med causing a 2 week coma, no one stepped in and i was sent home with the parents. Due to that i do have some memory issues and I tend to stick to myself. I have hardly any family that talks to me (those that i did have has passed on except for 1 who lives far away from me) and I don't have friends as i am more comfortable as a loner. I have 3 children and a wonderful husband who was my first boyfriend. Id say my childhood has changed me a lot. But in a way it has also made me a better parent and person. Other than sticking to myself it does not bother me any longer I have came to terms with it and have forgiven the man that put me through it but i do not allow him in my life anymore.

To those still dealing with their childhood I suggest journaling and finding a good support counselor to help you come to terms with it. That is what helped me.

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4/13/13 4:39 A

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Mysterious-lady, thank you for sharing. I shutter when I think of the nightmare that you endured for a big part of your life. You do amaze me with your courage and determination not to let it take over your life now. Only God can mend a shattered heart and mold it to be a vessel of service unto Him and to help others. It is evident that you are a caring person who reaches out to help the hurting. Others have already witnessed your kind heart from being on this team and being leader for such a short time.

d


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4/13/13 2:33 A

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JOYHOCK: I'm so sorry about your mom denying you any kind of validation for your sexual abuse! I didn't tell my family, even after I remembered at 25, for TERROR of not being believed. I just knew they wouldn't believe me. I finally managed to tell the sister that I'm closest to, and then one day, during an argument, I managed to angrily tell my mom. I can not tell you how... I don't think good is the right word, but... it felt when she believed me! And my other sister (I have two) did, as well. I still cry when I think about how they believed me.

Your mom is in denial or something. Again, I'm sorry for her behavior. You deserve better.

Yes, you can move past it. I don't think it ever goes away or anything, but you don't have to let it stop you!

DONNA19711: Thank you for the prayers! I too ask myself why anyone would hurt a child. It makes me so angry whenever I hear about it. I really have to turn to God to keep me from wishing bad things off on them. It's for God to deal with those people, not me.

MYSTERIOUS-LADY: I'm so sorry to hear about your childhood. It's a testimony to your strength that you survived! Okay, so you're "messed up", but you're still here. And as long as you're still here, you can get better.

Body memories are terrible. I didn't even know what they were for the longest time. I'd say they're one of the things I struggle most with.

You're right! We can definitely do it. You included. =)



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You are so very right. We can do it and we can help each other along the way. We may have lived through, but still can not understand what makes people like that tick. Thankfully we have friends like the ones on this site and this team that can help us truly get better.

Jesus is the way!


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Difficult childhood is a very mild term. I was abused in every way imaginable and plus some that a person can not even imagine someone would do to another human being and than married an extremely abusive man and than after the divorce got into abusive and dysfunctional relationships. So I am definitely messed up, low self-esteem. Believing all the nasty things people said to me, etc. Feeling worthless and I was taking up too much space which lead to an ED and going from one extreme to the other.

Life has been very hard for all of us and we all need to get through the memories, flashbacks and body memories and stop the negative self-talk so we can get health mentally,emotionally and physically. It is not easy but we can do it.

Never Give Up . . . Never Surrender

Do not give up what you want the most for what you want at the moment.



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Joyhock, Thank you so much for sharing. I hope that it helps you by putting it out there and knowing you are not alone. Many of us have gone through some troubling times and it is nice to see that we are not alone and can help each other along on our new paths. This team is awesome and has a great support system. All mu best to you. Kimberly

Jesus is the way!


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My heart aches for each of you that have had to endure this horror in your childhood. I can't believe that a child would have to go through such horrors. I had a pretty nice childhood. I had loving parents(who have been married for almost 45 years). My husband on the other hand had a step father that was abusive to him and his brother. My husband suffers from PTSD, and I have to ask myself each day. Why? My prayers are with each of everyone of you. May you find peace.

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4/10/13 5:31 P

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Joyhock, I find it amazing that you found the courage to share your story. I really wish more would. Remember, we do not judge anyone for their past no matter what.
I truly hurt for the children who are raised in such unloving and abusive families. It is only by the grace of God that you survived it at all. Maybe your pain will help someone else who is hurting as well. I teach females in a local jail and I see so many who did not have the strength to get beyond numbing their past with drugs and alcohol.
I am so thankful you said what you did, and may you find lots of love and support on this team. They are really a caring group of men and women.

Here for you anytime,
Lois

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JOYHOCK, thank you so much for sharing! First, let me say you DO NOT have to be perfect. Love, by definition, cannot be earned. It is unconditional. All you have to be in you, whoever that may be on any particular day. I, too, have struggled with emotional eating and compulsive overeating. I know what the feels like...what that looks like. Some days it is a moment by moment battle but I am here to tell you that you can make it through...Spark People and this team are incredible supportive. As you can see, there is no judgement here, only the freedom to walk this journey in whatever manner you need. Sometimes you will fall and sometimes you will fly but you will never be alone....and being perfect in not a requirement.

Edited by: PENNYLYNN73 at: 4/10/2013 (17:24)
Penny
Katy, TX
All your life you are told the things you cannot do.
All your life they will say you’re not GOOD ENOUGH
or STRONG ENOUGH or TALENTED ENOUGH. They’ll say you’re the wrong height or the wrong weight or the wrong type to play this or BE THIS or achieve this. They will tell you no, a THOUSAND times no... AND YOU WILL TELL THEM YES



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4/10/13 4:56 P

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Wow... I am so struck by the courage and determination of everyone in this thread. My heart goes out to all of you who have struggled with a difficult upbringing.

I grew up being neglected to the point of danger by my mother, and loved but ignored by my dad and stepmom. My mother often left me in the house alone at a young age when she would go out partying or to stay the night at someone's house. She yelled nearly constantly. She was also a member of a cult, weird as it sounds. She bought space in a bomb shelter for us for the end of the world, and made me keep my best toys down there so that I would have them when the world ended. It was a strange and difficult way to grow up. I felt ignored, unworthy of love, and so distant from my parents.

Coupled with her general distaste for being a mother, she also had a friend of the family who molested me for a long period of time, from age 6 or 7 until age 13. I tried to tell her about this so many times, but I felt so ashamed that all I could tell her was that I didn't like this person and didn't want to spend time alone with him. She never caught on that anything was amiss, and never asked me about it, or respected my wishes to avoid this person. When I was 18, I finally told her what had happened, and how long it had gone on, and she continued to remain friends with this person, and had the nerve to tell me that he simply had 'boundary issues' but wasn't a bad person. I countered that pedophiles are the very definition of bad people.

Following that childhood, and even in childhood, I felt worthless, broken, and unlovable. I was so skinny in high school because I never ate anything. Not a thing. It wasn't on purpose, I was just busy, and there was rarely food in the house or money to take for lunch. One meal a day was about all I got. At 13 I started having sex, probably in an effort to feel loved and accepted, and I think we all know how that went for me. No, I didn't end up pregnant, but I definitely did not find the acceptance I was looking for. I then moved onto dating abusive boyfriends, people who put me down, didn't respect me, and at worst, were physically and emotionally abusive.

I was finally able to break that cycle, but it was an incredibly long, hard road.

I still struggle with feeling worthless and unlovable, despite having a wonderful partner and a good life. I have gained 20 lbs or so over the last two years, and have beat myself up so much over it. I often am exhausted by juggling the fact that I feel I need to be perfect for my loved ones to keep loving me, and yet knowing that I'm human and I can't be perfect. This leads to emotional eating (I really have an overeating problem that I would like to get under control) and weight gain which leads to more feelings of worthlessness. It's such a difficult cycle.

Well, that definitely turned out longer than I was anticipating, but since everyone has shared so much I thought I would make myself vulnerable as well and share this.

Again, I am so amazed and inspired by the folks on this thread. It's so impressive to see how people can move past such a difficult beginning. It means that I can as well.


"An A- is still an A"


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4/6/13 8:05 P

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Karie, thank you so much sweetie for telling your story. It is amazing how God took your request to forgive your 3 offenders and match it to your heart.
Hugs, Blessings,
Lois

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Karie, Karie, Karie, thank you so much for sharing. Forgiveness is so powerful. I am glad you saw that sign too. What a wonderful, glorious, testimony of victory you are!

Penny
Katy, TX
All your life you are told the things you cannot do.
All your life they will say you’re not GOOD ENOUGH
or STRONG ENOUGH or TALENTED ENOUGH. They’ll say you’re the wrong height or the wrong weight or the wrong type to play this or BE THIS or achieve this. They will tell you no, a THOUSAND times no... AND YOU WILL TELL THEM YES



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4/6/13 2:49 A

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I can really identify with a lot of what has been written here.

PAWMURPHY: I know how you feel, with thinking you've dealt with the pain of an abusive childhood, only to have it keep resurfacing. It's hard, and I don't know if it'll ever completely

disappear. I've read on self-help type websites that it's kind of like a cycle, where you go from 'dealing with it' just fine, back to having trouble with it, and so on and so forth.

I was always told that, because of my weight, that I couldn't do anything, either. Even when I'd go out and prove that idea wrong, accomplish things, it was always dismissed or discounted.

Regardless of the actual facts of my life, my weight meant that I was worthless. End of story, as far as they were concerned.

I am so glad you have a supportive husband! He sounds like a good man.

BEAUTYBUTERFLY: I'm so saddened to hear about your mother. I can only imagine how hard that was for you. When you say it was emotionally draining, I bet that is an understatement.

Though my abuser (family member) never told me she didn't love me, her behavior showed it time and time again, up until the day she died.

You are right. We will all make it through this. It's not easy, but as long as we keep trying, we will succeed.

PENNYLYNN73: Wow, that made me cry. You've been through a lot, and still have such a great attitude and faith. I'm inspired by your story.

My dad was an alcoholic, too. He was never physically abusive. But emotionally... Let's just say, that by the time he died - he drank himself to death - it was a relief more than

anything else. To be free of that kind of nightmare.

You're exactly right about our Heavenly Father. And you're right that you are loveable and worthy and beautiful. That is how God sees us, and how I strive to see us all.


I was abused by three different people in my life. The first, when I was six, I was molested by the boy who lived across the street. I blocked that out until I was 25. When I remembered

it, at first, it wasn't that bad. However, as it sank in, it got bad and just about destroyed my life. Suddenly, I realized many of the horrible anxiety issues I was having were being

caused by this. I didn't even know I had post traumatic stress disorder! I just happened to notice one day, reading on the internet, that I had all of the symptoms.

The second was my father. As I said above, he wasn't physically abusive. Mostly, it was just a traumatic life, living with an alcoholic who so hated this world that he couldn't stand to

live in it. I watched him slowly kill himself, drinking himself to death. He died in the hospital, one month after my fifteenth birthday.

The third - and worst - was my grandmother. She was a narcissist, and if you don't know what that is, just picture your typical abusive, controlling husband. The kind who makes sure his

wife is financially dependent on him, that makes sure his wife thinks she's worthless and can't do anything right. The kind who preys on her emotionally.

She had me under her complete control until she died. I admit, I was glad to be free of her! She hurt me in ways I can't even begin to describe. She wasn't physically abuisve, either,

except sometimes, she scared me to death. She threatened me often. I know it sounds weird for a grown, 35-year-old woman to be scared of a "little old lady", but I was TERRIFIED of her.

As far as I knew, I was always a small child, always subject to her rage. I could never do anything right. Most parents/grandparents would be proud of you if you got an A on a test. Ha!

If you got a 98, her response was always, why wasn't it a 100?

At 9, she told me it was my responsibility to clean my entire house. Because neither of my parents would do it. Dad was drunk constantly, and Mom... was trying to deal with Dad. Our

house wasn't clean enough for her. She liked to come around and yell at me about it. Not anyone else, mind, just me. I was her whipping boy. She loved my youngest sister to death.

Treated her like a princess. No, I don't resent the youngest sister. I love her to death, too. It's not her fault, it never was.

I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to forgive these people. I knew I should. I knew God wanted me to. Then one day, I was riding in the car, and I saw on a church sign:

Forgiveness is a choice.

I didn't know what it meant at first. I couldn't figure it out. Eventually, I got it. You mean I didn't have to actually feel forgiveness in my heart to forgive people? You mean I could

go ahead and try to let the pain go? You mean I could intellectually decide to forgive them, and pray to God to match that in my heart?

That changed my life. I'll always be grateful I saw that sign.

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4/3/13 6:39 P

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So very true. I am glad the good Lord has used it to better me and make me the person I am today.

Jesus is the way!


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But see, here's the thing about all of us...what the devil meant for evil, the Lord has used for good!
I had so many people who loved me back when I believed that I was unlovable. For some strange reason, we believe the lies

Penny
Katy, TX
All your life you are told the things you cannot do.
All your life they will say you’re not GOOD ENOUGH
or STRONG ENOUGH or TALENTED ENOUGH. They’ll say you’re the wrong height or the wrong weight or the wrong type to play this or BE THIS or achieve this. They will tell you no, a THOUSAND times no... AND YOU WILL TELL THEM YES



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I grew up the youngest of 4 in a very dysfunctional family. I was the invisible child.

Team Leader of the Tennessee Team
Team Leader of the Seriously Special Sparkers!
Team Leader of the SP Class of April 13-19, 2014


We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not a an act, but a habit - Aristotle

Today is going to be a great day. How do I know? Because I'm going to make it so!

Patti - EST


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4/3/13 3:56 P

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I just can't quit emoticon when I read your story too, Stareyeyes. It was a wonderful thing you did to forgive your dad on his death bed. I am so glad you still have your foster mom to help run the demons out of the past. You are a real strong person for coming to this thread. May each of you ladies find a strong bond together and with the Lord as you are there for one another. I just wish I could take each of you Friday when I teach the Bible at the local jail and let you share your story. So many of them are hurting and still have not found a release. There is still hope for the weary. You have shown this.
Thank you, I love you in Christ.
Lois

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I can totally understand these situations. My bio mom died when I was a kid and my bio dad thought I was his personal slave to do anything and everything to and like others it including some serious physical and emotional issues. I actually attacked my dad back at one point and finally us kids were removed from him. My family bounced me around a lot as nobody really wanted a trouble making kid like me around. They all believed his stories that I was the problem and not him. My first foster mom, I thought was cool until she got a daughter of her own and then I didn't matter anymore. After sometime, I found a great foster dad (my pops) and he became the dad I so often wanted. He taught me a lot and loved me for who I was and when he got married, his wife was just as awesome to me. When I was somewhere in my 30's or so, my bio sis found me and contacted me. She wanted me to come see dad before he died cause he was asking for me. I had been finally studying Christianity, so decided it was my Christian duty to honor his request. He managed to last until I got there and I told him that although I will never forget all the hurt and damage, I forgive him becasuse my Heavenly father said its the right thing to do. He accepted that and passed on in his sleep. I felt a lot of relief when it was over and felt I had done the right thing. My Pops has also passed on now, but I still have that wonderful mom who continues to help me chase the demons of my past.

Jesus is the way!


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4/3/13 2:10 P

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I am sitting here emoticon as I just read what you wrote pawmurphy, beautybutfly, and pennylynn. It took courage to share and I see how you all are reaching out to one another in empathy and love. I am glad you could forgive; it is true you can't forget and it vanish from your mind, but with God's help he can continue to ease your pain as it flares up from time to time. Always remember your creator gave you physical life and wants all of his creation to know Him as Heavenly Father through our Lord Jesus Christ. He adores you so very much. He welcomes all to be a part of his forever family and oh what wonderful joy we have to look forward to when this life is over. The very best is yet to come and it is LASTING.

Thank you for sharing your pain with others. You may be helping others more than you think.

I love each of you and hold you near and dear in my heart. You are in my prayers.

Lois

Edited by: 63KEEPONGOING at: 4/3/2013 (14:13)
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4/3/13 1:53 P

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My father wanted a son. I was the oldest, the first born, I was supposed to be a boy. My father was an alcoholic. He told me EVERY DAY I was a stupid, worthless, girl. He said the same to my sister. He pushed us into walls, slapped us in the face, pulled us across the room by our hair. I spent my entire childhood trying to be good enough, trying to earn love that should have been mine anyway. If only I was smarter, prettier, played sports, thinner, etc. my father would love me. As I got older, I realized I was plenty smart (straight A student) I was a great athlete (all star softball player) other people thought I was pretty...I was a little overweight but I wasn't that bad...so If I am smart and I am pretty but my father is ON PURPOSE telling me I'm stupid and worthless, when it's obvious I'm not. If ON PURPOSE hurts me physically, if the one man who is supposed to love me can't love me, then there must be something really wrong with me. I MUST BE unlovable. And that is how I operated for years. That I was unlovable...unworthy of love. I had little care for my life and who I spent my time with and the things I put in my body (both legal and illegal) because if I didn't wake up the next day, who would care?
And then one day, I woke up....I woke up in my pig pen so, so far away from my Father's house. Because you see, while my earthly father had one opinion of me, my Heavenly Father, well He thought something else. Because you see I am not just Kenneth's daughter...I am the Daughter of the King. My Heavenly father who numbered the hairs on my head before I was born, who has promised no weapon formed against me will prosper, who has ordered his angels to protect me, this Father, well, He loves me, no matter what. And I don't have to try to be good enough, or smart enough or pretty or thin. All I have to do is accept and love Him in return.
Steel is forged in fire. There is a little girl who lives inside me who wishes she could have had an earthly father's love. There can be insecurity there, and feelings of inferiority and that may never completely go, but forgiveness goes a long way in releasing your heart and allowing you to accept yourself. I AM lovable and worthy and beautiful. So anytime I say to one of you, that you are beautiful, I completely and totally mean it...because you are. Look at yourself through your Heavenly Father's eyes.....

Penny
Katy, TX
All your life you are told the things you cannot do.
All your life they will say you’re not GOOD ENOUGH
or STRONG ENOUGH or TALENTED ENOUGH. They’ll say you’re the wrong height or the wrong weight or the wrong type to play this or BE THIS or achieve this. They will tell you no, a THOUSAND times no... AND YOU WILL TELL THEM YES



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4/3/13 10:49 A

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It is really hard to forgive a parent who doesn'ttlove you. My Dad never loved me. I wasn't good enough, but as an adult with God's help I forgave him, but I'll never forget the abuse. Forgiving and forgetting are two entirely separate issues. Forgiving will help you immensely by giving you a peace you don't have now. It's not easy but it's worth it.🐝

I can do this!


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I grew up in a very emotionaly abusive family. It has taken me years to actual recognize it as such after my own mother told me 4yrs ago Memorial day weekend she didnt love me and never did. This last four years have been emotionally draining and did a lot to me. In 2007 1 went from 180 lbs to 135 in a year. I stayed pretty steady at 165 at the most for the last 4 yrs until about 6 months ago. I started therapy and finally think I am on a cocktail of medications that help me and as a result I have gained from 165 to over 200 lbs and for being 5ft is a lot of excess weight. Now I am dealing with my own family issues with my DD but with my DS and DH we will all make it through this.

Lisa(AKA...Kitten)
Harvest moon Septemper BSG
Sensational Sisters August BSG
Current Weight 220 (September 2, 2014)
Highest Weight 225(October 20, 2013)
Goal Weight 125
1st goal weight- 5% =11 lbs--212 lbs (13lbs lost) May 19th 2014
2nd goal weight -5%= 11lbs--
3rd goal weight-5%= 10 lbs--
4th goal weight- 5%=9 lbs--
5th goal weight5%=9 lbs=lbs
6th goal weight 5%= 8lbs= lbs
7th goal weight 5%=8 lbs--
8th goal weight 5%=8lbs--
9th goal weigh


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4/3/13 9:51 A

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Thank you Pawmurphy for sharing; and I am sure you will soon have others to share too. I hope you can connect to some of our members to get encouragement.
My thoughts and prayers continue to be with you.
Lois

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4/3/13 9:12 A

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You are so right. I had an abusive childhood that I thought I'd come to grips with but it keeps rearing its ugly head. My self esteem has always been low. I was always told I couldn't accomplish anything and my weight just proved that.my husband is very supportive thru all my ups and downs and says he loves me regardless. I'm very lucky and I thank God every day for him.

I can do this!


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4/3/13 5:46 A

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Difficult childhood experiences are hard to talk about, yet it can affect ones' adult life immensely. I have met several who struggled with many issues due to the sadness of childhood and it lead to being overweight among other things. You may or may not want to tell any details of your childhood, you may only want to acknowledge it here and may like to know others that you can connect with who have experienced similar past. We are here to get help for our weight loss journey; for some it is dealing with the hurt and pain that lead to this. Only others who have experienced similar things really can feel what you are feeling. Some have learned to deal with their past and have a lot to offer in the way of encouragement through personal sparks mail, if that is your desire.
I care and lift you up in prayer as many others do on this team.
Lois

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