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Val
Moving More! Eating Less! Motivation gets you started, habit keeps you going!
NEVERGIVEUP57
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Too funny Val.
K, so a man went to a bar and said bartender please give me a shot and a beer, the man downed the shot and beer and opened his coat and looked inside..looked at the bartender, I need another..so this went on for a few times...every time he opened his coat and looked inside.
Finally the bartender said, sir why do you keep looking in your jacket?
He said, I have a picture of my wife in here and when she starts to look good I can go home...
Edited by: NEVERGIVEUP57 at: 3/17/2013 (12:49)
Deb
“What you eat in private will show up in public.” ~Unknown
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McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, he started to leave.
"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," he replied, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
Val
Moving More! Eating Less! Motivation gets you started, habit keeps you going!
NEVERGIVEUP57
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tooo funny but true tracy!!
The reason a dog is man’s best friend is they don’t understand a thing he says.
Deb
“What you eat in private will show up in public.” ~Unknown
Sometimes . . . when you cry . . . no one sees your pain . . .
Sometimes . . . when you are happy . . . no one sees your smile . . .
But, fart just one time, . . .
p.s. It was NOT me . . .
"Sometimes our light goes out but is blown again into flame by an encounter with another human being. Each of us owes the deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this inner light."
NEVERGIVEUP57
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Love the advice from the tree!
Deb
“What you eat in private will show up in public.” ~Unknown
"Sometimes our light goes out but is blown again into flame by an encounter with another human being. Each of us owes the deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this inner light."
NEVERGIVEUP57
SparkPoints: (12,780)
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- Teacher: Did your father give you any help with your assignment? - Student: Nope. He did everything on his own.
Deb
“What you eat in private will show up in public.” ~Unknown
"Sometimes our light goes out but is blown again into flame by an encounter with another human being. Each of us owes the deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this inner light."
WEBBYWEBKINZ303
SparkPoints: (158)
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Why did Tigger look in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!
ILUVU2
Posts: 575 2/26/13 2:49 P
What color is a burp?
Burple!!!
"Sometimes our light goes out but is blown again into flame by an encounter with another human being. Each of us owes the deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this inner light."
NEVERGIVEUP57
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Wow Val and Tracy, so funny..not sure I can top those.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Deb
“What you eat in private will show up in public.” ~Unknown
SparkPoints: (232,670)
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Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
Val
Moving More! Eating Less! Motivation gets you started, habit keeps you going!
ILUVU2
Posts: 575 2/25/13 1:01 A
Those are great!
Here's one:
A husband watched as his wife was looking at herself in the mirror, she commented on how heavy she was. She then asked her husband to say something nice to make her feel better about herself. So, the husband thought for a minute and said, "Well, your eyesight is great!"
"Sometimes our light goes out but is blown again into flame by an encounter with another human being. Each of us owes the deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this inner light."
EDWARDS1411
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Two men who were waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. "How did you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. Eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, .... how did you die?" "I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic and, just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man. "If you had only stopped to look in the deep freezer, we'd both still be alive!"
Val
Moving More! Eating Less! Motivation gets you started, habit keeps you going!
NEVERGIVEUP57
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My wife is on a diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost any weight, but can she climb a tree.
Deb
“What you eat in private will show up in public.” ~Unknown
SparkPoints: (232,670)
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At the dog park, this elderly lady had two rather large rottweiler dogs. On being asked the dogs' names by another park visitor she replied "One is called Timex and the other Rolex." Wow, Them's some strange names for dogs the visitor replied. Oh no, the elderly lady dog owner replied "Them's watch dogs".
Val
Moving More! Eating Less! Motivation gets you started, habit keeps you going!
NEVERGIVEUP57
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There was only one occasion in my life when I put myself on a strict diet...and it was the most miserable afternoon I've ever spent.
Deb
“What you eat in private will show up in public.” ~Unknown
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Three doctors are waiting in line to get into the pearly gates. St. Peter walks out and asks the first one, "What have you done to enter Heaven?" "I am a pediatrician and have brought thousands of the Lord's babies into the world." "Good enough to enter the gates," replied St. Peter and in he goes. The same question is asked of the second doctor. "I am a general practitioner and go to Third World countries three times a year to cure the poor." St. Peter is impressed and allows him through the gates. The third doctor steps up in line and knowing the question, blurts out, "I am a director of a HMO." St. Peter meditates on this for a while and then says, "Fine, you can enter Heaven...but only for 2 days."
Val
Moving More! Eating Less! Motivation gets you started, habit keeps you going!
NEVERGIVEUP57
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that one is cute!
Deb
“What you eat in private will show up in public.” ~Unknown
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At the beginning of a doctor's shift in the hospital, he placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
Val
Moving More! Eating Less! Motivation gets you started, habit keeps you going!
NEVERGIVEUP57
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Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Deb
“What you eat in private will show up in public.” ~Unknown
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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
Deb
“What you eat in private will show up in public.” ~Unknown
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A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?" "Twenty-six," he said.
Hmmmmm ... quite literally food for thought!
Val
Moving More! Eating Less! Motivation gets you started, habit keeps you going!
NEVERGIVEUP57
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Most people gain weight by having intimate dinners for two...alone.
p.s. I have been there eating enough for two!!
Edited by: NEVERGIVEUP57 at: 2/19/2013 (05:39)
Deb
“What you eat in private will show up in public.” ~Unknown
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Chocolate is a vegetable. How, you ask? Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.
(Now that's justification!)
Val
Moving More! Eating Less! Motivation gets you started, habit keeps you going!
NEVERGIVEUP57
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Too funny Tracy and Val!
“Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.” ~Doug Larson
Deb
“What you eat in private will show up in public.” ~Unknown
My friend Kimberly announced that she had started a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.
"Good!" I exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. When I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first."
"Great!" she replied. "I'll ride with you."
-- Katina Fisher
"Sometimes our light goes out but is blown again into flame by an encounter with another human being. Each of us owes the deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this inner light."
EDWARDS1411
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A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.
"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.
Val
Moving More! Eating Less! Motivation gets you started, habit keeps you going!
NEVERGIVEUP57
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I have to exercse early in the morning before my brain figures out what I am doing, by Daniel L. Worona
Deb
“What you eat in private will show up in public.” ~Unknown
SparkPoints: (232,670)
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Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 30 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy immediately drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guy says, "What are you thinking? Sneakers will not help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to out run the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to out run you."
Val
Moving More! Eating Less! Motivation gets you started, habit keeps you going!
CTUPTON
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On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you 20 years."
But man said: "Only 20 years? Could you possibly give me my 20, the 40 the cow gave back, the 10 the monkey gave back, and the 10 the dog gave back -- that makes 80, OK?"
"OK," God said. "As long as you're sure."
So that is why for our first 20 years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next 40 years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next 10 years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last 10 years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
And that, my friends, is the meaning of life. Now you know.
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Valentine's Day Dream
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s Day. What do you think it means?”
"You’ll know tonight,” he said.
That evening the husband came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--to find a book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams.”
Deb
“What you eat in private will show up in public.” ~Unknown
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One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!" What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a 'man', Lord?" "This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger & faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack." "Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a blunt stick. But, you can have him on one condition." "What's that, Lord?" "You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
I was at the post office when an older gentleman approached me and said I looked like I needed a laugh. He showed me a small box that said, " 3 course chicken dinner". I took off the lid and inside were 3 corn kernels. Next he handed me a black film container that said, "stool specimen". Well, I just had to open it. It contained a miniature stool! How funny. I laughed all day. We need more random acts of spreading joy like that.
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NEVERGIVEUP57
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A married couple were arguing who is making the coffee, the wife said that in the Bible it says that men should make the coffee and the husband asked her where it said that. The wife opened the Bible and said: "Right here in HEBREWS!"
Deb
“What you eat in private will show up in public.” ~Unknown
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Garden of Eden
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Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and she would be called "woman."
God said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give love and compassion whenever needed."
Adam asked God, "What will this woman cost?"
God said, "An arm and a leg."
Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"
♥ .•*¨) -:¦: - •*´¨) ♥ Deb & Ma Ling Southaven, MS.
Co Leader ~ Poodle Club
Treat stressful situations like a dog... If you can't eat it or play with it, just pee on it and walk away!
NEVERGIVEUP57
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oh my goodness, that was so funny tracy!!!!! keep them coming......
Deb
“What you eat in private will show up in public.” ~Unknown
haha that's a good one, however, I'm determined to try and touch my toes more often, hopefully, eventually, haha, "that's a joke in itself" lol
Here's my real joke:
"My wife is a light eater. As soon as it gets light, she starts to eat." ~ Henny Youngman
humm, be quiet, honey!!!
"Sometimes our light goes out but is blown again into flame by an encounter with another human being. Each of us owes the deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this inner light."
CTUPTON
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haha that's a good one, however, I'm determined to try and touch my toes more often, hopefully, eventually, haha, "that's a joke in itself" lol
