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8/28/14 1:41 P

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LOL!!!LOL!!! LOL!!! AND MORE LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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8/28/14 8:55 A

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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8/27/14 3:10 P

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I just saw this on another thread and thought that I would share it:

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong

Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance - Samuel Johnson


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8/27/14 12:36 P

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Oh my little grandson will love this, and he will tell all his buddies!
Cheers!

God grant me the strength to reach my goal.


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8/27/14 8:49 A

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emoticon Cute!

``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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8/27/14 8:41 A

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Why was 6 afraid? Because 7 8 9.

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8/27/14 8:35 A

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Priceless. Thanks Kris. emoticon

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8/25/14 2:12 P

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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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8/25/14 8:48 A

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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8/25/14 5:26 A

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Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance - Samuel Johnson


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8/24/14 7:15 P

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As I age ....

When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note so I could complain to my local MP about this security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed.

After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.

Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors.

Man, I hate this getting older stuff.



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8/24/14 8:24 A

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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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8/24/14 5:33 A

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I am not a medical professional or a trained counselor. Please seek professional advice about treatment options.

"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be."
-Marc Pagnol
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8/22/14 4:50 A

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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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8/21/14 7:23 A

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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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8/21/14 6:39 A

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8/20/14 6:21 A

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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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8/19/14 5:39 A

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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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8/18/14 4:42 A

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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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8/17/14 9:32 A

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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8/17/14 8:34 A

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8/17/14 5:16 A

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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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8/17/14 3:41 A

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Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance - Samuel Johnson


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8/17/14 3:30 A

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Typo Mistakes

1. A daughter sent a telegram to her father about passing her B.Ed exams, which the father received as ” Father, your daughter has been successful in BED.”

2. A husband, while on a business trip to a hill station sent a telegram to his wife “I wish you were here.” The message received by the wife was “I wish you were her.”

3. A man wanted to celebrate his wife’s Birthday by throwing a party,so he ordered a birthday cake. The salesman asked him what message he wanted put on the cake. He thought for a moment then said ”U r getting older but U r getting better”.

The salesman asked “how do you want me to put it?”

The man said “..put “U r getting older” at the top and put “but U r getting better” at the bottom.”

When the cake was unveiled at the party, all the guests were aghast at the message on the cake. It read:

“You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at the bottom”

Moral of the Story:
Double proof read everything before you send.
Don’t trust others to write it right for you.

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8/12/14 9:02 A

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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8/12/14 7:00 A

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Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance - Samuel Johnson


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8/11/14 6:58 P

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8/11/14 6:41 P

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An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the
85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

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8/11/14 6:36 P

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Fantastic joke emoticon

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8/11/14 9:52 A

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Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance - Samuel Johnson


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8/11/14 8:33 A

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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8/11/14 5:59 A

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The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed the Editor the following report. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( . )( . )"


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8/11/14 5:58 A

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A doctor broke the bad news to a man, that his wife would have to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital. "I'm afraid her minds completely gone" he said.

"Makes sense, mumbled the man. Shes been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 15 years."

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8/9/14 8:49 A

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emoticon Love it!

``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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8/8/14 11:52 A

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LOL that's cute.

Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance - Samuel Johnson


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8/8/14 10:31 A

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Funny!!

Once, while working as receptionist at a company, I called a phone extension to announce a visitor--"Sue Price" in the lobby. The individual answered me---"A SURPRISE in the lobby?!!"----ha.

God grant me the strength to reach my goal.


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8/8/14 8:56 A

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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8/8/14 4:43 A

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Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance - Samuel Johnson


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8/8/14 4:42 A

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???

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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8/7/14 7:18 P

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What's in a name?

There are dozens of poorly thought-out web addresses, often from companies who bundled their innocent-sounding names into a single work without noticing the resulting double entendres. Here are some:

* (Art designers) Speed of Art = speedofart.com

* (Advice columnist) Benjamin Dover = bendover.com

* (Educational site) Teachers Talking = teacherstalking.com

* (Clothes for kids) Childrens Wear = childrenswear.co.uk

* (Accommodation) IHA Vegas Holiday Rentals = ihavegas.com

* (Travel site) Choose Spain = choosespain.com

* (IT company) IT Scrap = itscrap.com

Edited by: SLIMMERKIWI at: 8/8/2014 (05:02)
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8/7/14 7:17 P

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Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"
''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--''
''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'' By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.
''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"


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8/7/14 1:48 P

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CUTE!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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CUTE !!

God grant me the strength to reach my goal.


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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance - Samuel Johnson


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TEACHER:Max, use "defeat," "defense," and "detail" in a sentence.

MAX: The rabbit cut across the field, and defeat went over defense before detail.



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8/6/14 7:49 A

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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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8/4/14 7:06 P

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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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8/3/14 10:17 P

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Cute!


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8/3/14 8:27 A

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emoticon Too funny!

``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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8/3/14 2:48 A

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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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8/3/14 12:12 A

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emoticon Love it!

Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance - Samuel Johnson


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8/2/14 10:13 P

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emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
(Edit) was just getting some emoticons I could copy/paste :-)

Kris

Edited by: SLIMMERKIWI at: 8/2/2014 (22:14)
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See if you can do this. Read each line aloud without making any mistakes. If you make a mistake you MUST start over or it won't work.

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is moron cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top...

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8/2/14 3:33 A

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I am not a medical professional or a trained counselor. Please seek professional advice about treatment options.

"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be."
-Marc Pagnol
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8/1/14 7:42 A

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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8/1/14 4:48 A

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8/1/14 4:23 A

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Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance - Samuel Johnson


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8/1/14 3:59 A

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Blonde Millionaire

A blonde named Barbara appeared on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire...

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left. The next question will give you the million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure I'll have a go."

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it...

A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush

"Remember, Barbara, it's worth 1 million dollars."

Barbara: "It's a cuckoo."

Regis: "You're sure? You can walk with the $500,000 or play on for the million."

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C - Cuckoo."

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Absolutely!"

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C -Cuckoo. Well....you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

That night Barbara calls her friend Carol and they go to a local bar for a celebration drink. As they are sipping their champagne. Carol turns to Barbara and asks, "Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"

"It was so simple," Barbara replied, "Everybody knows that cuckoos live in clocks."

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7/31/14 11:48 P

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7/31/14 9:03 A

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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7/31/14 8:50 A

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Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance - Samuel Johnson


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7/31/14 5:57 A

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Little Johnny 's next door neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby so the dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors.

He said "Now, son... that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or I am really going to spank you when we get back home."

"I promise not to mention his ears at all" said Little Johnny.

At the neighbors home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched the baby's hand He looked at it's mother and said "Oh What a Beautiful little baby". The mother said "Thank you very much, Little Johnny."

He then said, "this baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why... just look at his pretty little eyes.... Did his doctor say that he can see good?"

The Mother said "why, yes Johnny... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision.

Little Johnny said "well, its a darn good thing, cause he sure couldn't wear glasses!!!

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7/30/14 8:46 A

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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7/30/14 7:05 A

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Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance - Samuel Johnson


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I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well then, which one are you?"

And then the fight started.............


````````````````````````````````````````
``````````````````````````````````````
````````````````````


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started........


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7/29/14 5:58 P

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Funny.

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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Super funny !!--

God grant me the strength to reach my goal.


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7/28/14 7:52 A

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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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7/27/14 7:02 P

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LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance - Samuel Johnson


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7/27/14 8:38 A

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emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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7/27/14 4:37 A

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REPLACEMENT WINDOWS


Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.

Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Helloooo…? Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year. Hellooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.



There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.

He never called back.

I bet he felt like an idiot.



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7/26/14 5:25 P

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So Cute. LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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Very cute!

``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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7/25/14 7:52 P

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A little boy went up to his mother and asked: 'Mum, where did my intelligence come from?'

The mother replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your father, because I still have mine.'

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