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9/27/16 4:07 A

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My Doctor asked if anyone in my family was suffering from mental illness. I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."

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9/27/16 3:57 A

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ohhh yummy :-) Actually eating enough of them CAN cause us to become gummy :-)

Kris

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9/26/16 3:53 P

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What do you call a bear with no teeth?


A gummy bear!

``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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9/1/16 3:15 A

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8/30/16 9:45 A

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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8/30/16 3:29 A

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I tried to be normal once .............. worst two minutes of my life


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8/24/16 8:01 P

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8/24/16 9:38 A

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Two men knocked on my front door today and asked if I would donate to the new local swimming pool. So I gave them a bottle of water.

``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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BLUEROSE73's Photo BLUEROSE73 SparkPoints: (131,105)
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8/18/16 2:45 P

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emoticon

Katrina
Saskatchewan Time Zone

You can not change yesterday - it's done.
You can only dream of tomorrow.
The only day you can change is today.
What are you going to do today to reach your goals of tomorrow?

It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard is what makes it GREAT

Go little Turtle Go!


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8/17/16 10:12 A

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Thanks for the chuckles! emoticon

``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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8/17/16 8:32 A

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8/17/16 5:55 A

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Q: What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair?
A: Last year's hide-and-go-seek winner.



The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.
"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"

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8/15/16 7:35 A

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8/14/16 9:21 A

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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SLIMMERKIWI's Photo SLIMMERKIWI SparkPoints: (198,485)
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8/13/16 6:59 P

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A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled hearing.

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8/13/16 6:57 P

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hahaha ...... I don't think of algebra ..... I never took it emoticon

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8/13/16 6:08 P

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8/8/16 9:41 A

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When you want to get back to your youth....

Think of algebra!

``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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8/8/16 7:11 A

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8/4/16 10:04 A

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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8/4/16 12:50 A

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As I age

When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note so I could complain to my local MP about this security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed.

After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.

Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors.

Man, I hate this getting older stuff.

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8/4/16 12:48 A

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O.K., this isn't a joke, but it is funny and addictive never-the-less:
www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/slee
p/
sheep/reaction_version5.swf


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8/3/16 11:17 P

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7/29/16 8:56 A

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Love it! emoticon

``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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7/29/16 5:18 A

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With my ailing memory, I'm thinking of changing my password to "incorrect'

That way, when I log in with the wrong password.... the computer will tell me "Your password is incorrect"

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7/28/16 9:16 P

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emoticon emoticon

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7/28/16 10:11 A

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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GOANNA2's Photo GOANNA2 Posts: 15,295
7/28/16 9:59 A

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Love it! God is good, that's for sure... emoticon

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7/28/16 7:56 A

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A bit longer joke -- one of my all-time favorites!


The Baptist White Lie Cake


Have you ever told a white lie?

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa, but forgot to do it until the last minute.

She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix & quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack for scout camp.

When she took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She exclaimed, “Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake!" So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.

She found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper. She skillfully placed the TP in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.

And before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold.

Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mom.

Alice was horrified-she was beside herself! Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed!

All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time. She did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa. But having already RSVP'd, she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old south, and to Alice's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert! Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake. She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!"

Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself."

Alice smiled and thought to herself, "God is good."


-- Susan


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7/25/16 12:53 A

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7/20/16 9:10 A

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What do you call a rabbit with fleas?



Bugs Bunny!

``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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7/19/16 9:51 A

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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7/19/16 6:22 A

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Some People think I'm going crazy.
Joke is on them .... I went there years ago, fell in love with the place and decided to stay.

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7/14/16 9:40 A

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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7/14/16 1:09 A

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BAKES3000's Photo BAKES3000 Posts: 2,378
7/13/16 11:14 A

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Have you heard about the corduroy pillows? They're making headlines. emoticon

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. ~Eleanor Roosevelt


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5/21/16 10:19 A

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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5/21/16 2:50 A

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5/21/16 2:49 A

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A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.
"Ha! Tha'ts not going to help," she said.
"Sure it does," he said.
"It's the only way I can see the numbers."

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5/21/16 2:46 A

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Loved all those puns.

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5/19/16 10:46 P

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Thanks for the puns. They are really funny. emoticon

Where there's a will, there's a way.
- An old English Prove

If it's important to you you'll find a way.
If not, you'll find an excuse.
- Frank Banks.

Strive for progress, not perfection.
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5/19/16 10:19 A

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emoticon I love puns!

``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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5/18/16 7:35 P

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Punography


I tried to catch some fog .... I mist

When Chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went ..... then it dawned on me.

The girl said she’d met me at the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbifore.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity, but I couldn’t put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type O.

PMS jokes aren’t funny ..... period!

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there is no pop quiz.

Energizer Bunny arrested: charged with battery.


I didn’t like my beard first. But then it grew on me.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it is hungry? It goes back four seconds.

Broken pencils are pointless.


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5/18/16 7:31 P

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emoticon

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Q:
Why is a dog man's best friend?

A:
Because it wags its tail and not its tongue.

emoticon

Where there's a will, there's a way.
- An old English Prove

If it's important to you you'll find a way.
If not, you'll find an excuse.
- Frank Banks.

Strive for progress, not perfection.
- SparkPeople.


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5/15/16 7:48 A

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5/13/16 8:54 A

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emoticon Love the practice makes perfect one!

``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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5/12/16 5:44 P

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If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?




What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?

The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

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5/12/16 2:31 P

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emoticon

I love SparkPeople

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

I am responsible for my own happiness.

My name is Bonnie I live in CT, EST.

I lost 122 pounds and have maintained it since 12/28/12.

Too Blessed to be Stressed.






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emoticon emoticon

``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger........ and then it hit me.


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5/10/16 6:55 A

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I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.


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5/9/16 5:20 P

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emoticon

I love SparkPeople

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

I am responsible for my own happiness.

My name is Bonnie I live in CT, EST.

I lost 122 pounds and have maintained it since 12/28/12.

Too Blessed to be Stressed.






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emoticon emoticon emoticon

``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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5/9/16 5:13 A

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I once farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.

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Just changed my Facebook name to ‘No one' so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say ‘No one likes this'.

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4/18/16 8:41 A

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In the emergency application at the doctor's office, when they ask who should be contacted in case of emergency, I always write, "An ambulance."

``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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3/27/16 7:05 P

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emoticon

I love SparkPeople

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

I am responsible for my own happiness.

My name is Bonnie I live in CT, EST.

I lost 122 pounds and have maintained it since 12/28/12.

Too Blessed to be Stressed.






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3/27/16 6:21 P

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emoticon

(I never knew what a 'Sardar' was and just took it that that was his name, much like 'Fred'
I don't see anything offensive in it per se, but then, that is just my thoughts.)

Kris



Edited by: SLIMMERKIWI at: 3/27/2016 (18:24)
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3/26/16 9:22 P

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A sardarji joke? Lots of people think it's funny as the dickens, but some other people who are members of the ethnic group being laughed at and portrayed as stupid don't like to be made to look like idiots.

I myself prefer to be really really careful with ethnic jokes.

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3/22/16 9:25 A

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emoticon

``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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MONTROSE28's Photo MONTROSE28 Posts: 836
3/21/16 9:40 P

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Sardar was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway.

On his first day he painted six miles; the next day three miles; the following day less than a mile.

Then the foreman asked Sardar why he kept painting less each day?

He replied, “I just can’t do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can.”

Chris,
Stawell, Victoria, Australia.


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3/18/16 8:58 A

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Classified Ads Not Often Seen:

Treadmill $300 - hardly used - Call Chubbie

``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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3/6/16 7:12 A

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You are so funny. emoticon

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I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off!

``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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2/24/16 10:06 A

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emoticon

``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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TIATSR's Photo TIATSR Posts: 2
2/23/16 5:29 P

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How three men went for a walk and ended up at the pub
Three elderly gents went for a walk from their nursing home
The first man says:
It's windy ain't it?
The second mans replays,
No it's Thursdy
The third man says:
Yes I'm thirsty too, lets go to the pub,
Lol hope it brings a smile for a while my friends.

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If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? emoticon

``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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2/16/16 10:47 A

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Do you know how to catch a rabbit?



Make a noise like a carrot! emoticon

``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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2/7/16 8:21 A

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"I came to this earth so that I can
find a way back to my beloved."
~Rumi
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Q: How do you avoid wrinkles?

A: Take your glasses off!

``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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"I came to this earth so that I can
find a way back to my beloved."
~Rumi
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2/3/16 9:50 A

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emoticon emoticon

``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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2/3/16 9:24 A

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Too cute! emoticon emoticon

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A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer." the man began, "I can explain,”

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."

"But officer, I just wanted to say...." "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding.

He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom

"In order to succeed, we must first believe that we can". Nikos Kazantzakis




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I'd like to do that sometimes, feed the frogs I mean emoticon

Central TZ
~Learn to fly over life obstacles~
Love yourself!


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Why are frogs so happy?



They eat whatever bugs them. emoticon

``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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While not a joke, it was funny in the telling of this story my friend sent me this morning. Flying rabbit - what's not to smile about with that!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-northern-irel
and-35440440

emoticon Hello there, one of my kin flew the coop!

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1/29/16 11:02 A

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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1/28/16 3:39 P

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Central TZ
~Learn to fly over life obstacles~
Love yourself!


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JBSTARAZ's Photo JBSTARAZ Posts: 291
1/28/16 2:35 P

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I think this could work for Zombie's too.


Why don't cannibals eat clowns?


They taste funny.

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1/27/16 8:13 P

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Central TZ
~Learn to fly over life obstacles~
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1/27/16 7:34 P

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emoticon for the paws one...

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1/25/16 5:46 P

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Shalom

If you don't laugh, I will give you a virtual tickle!

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--Astrid Alauda


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1/24/16 10:59 A

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What sound do porcupines make when they kiss?


Ouch!

``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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