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MRS_TOAD's Photo MRS_TOAD SparkPoints: (400,217)
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8/20/17 10:42 A

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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SLIMMERKIWI's Photo SLIMMERKIWI Posts: 26,040
8/20/17 6:06 A

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REPLACEMENT WINDOWS

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.

Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Helloooo…? Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year. Hellooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.



There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.



He never called back.



I bet he felt like an idiot.



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SPARKL3SUSAN's Photo SPARKL3SUSAN Posts: 1,745
8/19/17 9:36 P

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emoticon And why do we park in our driveways? Things to make you go "hmmm."

"Everything we do, even the slightest thing we do, can have a ripple effect and repercussions that emanate. If you throw a pebble into the water on one side of the ocean, it can create a tidal wave on the other side." ~ Victor Webster

»Susan


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MRS_TOAD's Photo MRS_TOAD SparkPoints: (400,217)
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8/18/17 12:07 P

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Unanswerable Questions:

Why is a boxing ring really square?


``````(.)~(.)``````
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--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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SLIMMERKIWI's Photo SLIMMERKIWI Posts: 26,040
8/7/17 10:07 P

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MRS_TOAD's Photo MRS_TOAD SparkPoints: (400,217)
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8/7/17 12:33 P

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Another One Liner:

The most important purpose of a child's middle name is so they'll know when they're really in trouble.

``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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ISABEKKA's Photo ISABEKKA Posts: 28
8/6/17 2:58 P

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love that.
Thanks!


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8/2/17 10:36 A

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One liner:

If a turtle loses its shell, is it naked or homeless?

``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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SLIMMERKIWI's Photo SLIMMERKIWI Posts: 26,040
7/16/17 4:59 A

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For those on Facebook
www.facebook.com/goldencrumpetsnz/ph
ot
os/a.639967386192454.1073741828.6313R>46103721249/674780006044525/?type=3&
am
p;comment_id=675957242593468




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MRS_TOAD's Photo MRS_TOAD SparkPoints: (400,217)
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6/21/17 10:24 A

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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SLIMMERKIWI's Photo SLIMMERKIWI Posts: 26,040
6/21/17 4:22 A

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Daughter to Father:

"Dad, there's something my boyfriend said to me that I didn't understand. He said that I "have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."

Father's response:

"Tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking from his exhaust!"

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MRS_TOAD's Photo MRS_TOAD SparkPoints: (400,217)
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5/10/17 9:47 A

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A little girl had just finished her first day of school. I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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GOANNA2's Photo GOANNA2 Posts: 18,112
4/16/17 8:05 P

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That is hilarious...

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4/8/17 10:39 A

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emoticon emoticon

``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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BUGGSBY's Photo BUGGSBY SparkPoints: (2,130)
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4/7/17 11:15 A

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Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot.

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4/6/17 10:01 A

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Adorable!

``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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4/6/17 2:46 A

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Why don't teddy bears ever order dessert?

Because they're always stuffed.

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4/5/17 9:40 A

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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4/5/17 12:13 A

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What's the stupidest animal in the entire jungle?

The polar bear.

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SLIMMERKIWI's Photo SLIMMERKIWI Posts: 26,040
4/1/17 12:25 A

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Maybe that is why the song

"I'm forever blowing bubbles"

LOL!

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3/31/17 9:27 A

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Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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GOANNA2's Photo GOANNA2 Posts: 18,112
3/31/17 1:19 A

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3/13/17 11:36 A

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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SLIMMERKIWI's Photo SLIMMERKIWI Posts: 26,040
3/13/17 12:15 A

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FOXBAY99's Photo FOXBAY99 Posts: 24,724
3/12/17 11:17 P

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Q - How many animals can jump higher than a house?
A - They all can. A house doesn't jump. emoticon

Where there's a will, there's a way.
- An old English Proverb

If it's important to you you'll find a way.
If not, you'll find an excuse.
- Frank Banks.

Strive for progress, not perfection.
- SparkPeople.


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3/12/17 10:26 P

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Brilliant! emoticon

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SLIMMERKIWI's Photo SLIMMERKIWI Posts: 26,040
3/6/17 3:43 A

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FIFTY SHADES OF GREY BY PAM AYRES
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;...
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"
Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!!


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GOANNA2's Photo GOANNA2 Posts: 18,112
2/26/17 4:46 P

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2/21/17 10:39 A

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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SLIMMERKIWI's Photo SLIMMERKIWI Posts: 26,040
2/21/17 2:16 A

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A plane is on its way to Detroit when a blonde woman in economy class gets up and moves into an open seat in the first class section.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must sit in economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

After repeated attempts and no success at convincing the woman to move, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-pilot that there's a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat. The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Detroit and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

"I told her first class isn't going to Detroit."




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SLIMMERKIWI's Photo SLIMMERKIWI Posts: 26,040
2/21/17 2:16 A

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GOANNA2's Photo GOANNA2 Posts: 18,112
2/5/17 11:55 P

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2/5/17 10:24 A

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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NEWZEE's Photo NEWZEE Posts: 592
2/4/17 12:23 P

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Short but sweet...

Wife - I have changed my mind...
Husband - Does the new one work..??
😎


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Time Zone - Indian Standard Time ( I'm in India)


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1/30/17 10:48 A

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Word Play:

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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GOANNA2's Photo GOANNA2 Posts: 18,112
1/10/17 8:27 A

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SLIMMERKIWI's Photo SLIMMERKIWI Posts: 26,040
1/6/17 12:54 A

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LOL!

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1/5/17 10:29 A

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My boss put up a "conserve energy" sign at the office.
I guess I better put my feet up and nap for awhile.

``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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GOANNA2's Photo GOANNA2 Posts: 18,112
12/20/16 5:06 A

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As they say, 'They're a Weird Mob"!!!

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SLIMMERKIWI's Photo SLIMMERKIWI Posts: 26,040
12/18/16 2:37 P

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I must admit, I was thinking of you when I posted it - not because of the physical anatomical aspect - LOL! emoticon emoticon

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GOANNA2's Photo GOANNA2 Posts: 18,112
12/18/16 5:44 A

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Thanks for the homegrown humour Kris! emoticon

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SLIMMERKIWI's Photo SLIMMERKIWI Posts: 26,040
12/4/16 6:59 P

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GOANNA2's Photo GOANNA2 Posts: 18,112
12/4/16 6:44 P

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SLIMMERKIWI's Photo SLIMMERKIWI Posts: 26,040
11/29/16 6:42 P

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MRS_TOAD's Photo MRS_TOAD SparkPoints: (400,217)
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11/29/16 9:35 A

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Q: Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

A: At the bottom of the page.

``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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GOANNA2's Photo GOANNA2 Posts: 18,112
11/27/16 8:11 P

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11/19/16 12:15 P

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


 current weight: 11.4  over
 
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SLIMMERKIWI's Photo SLIMMERKIWI Posts: 26,040
11/18/16 5:34 P

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If two vegans argue, is that still a beef?

Co-Moderator Dealing with Depression
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ndividual.asp?gid=953


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ndividual.asp?gid=30225


Co-Leader Crohn's Can't Stop Me
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ndividual.asp?gid=17464


I am not a Dr - please check with your qualified Health Professional for a diagnosis and treatment plan


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ELONKA1's Photo ELONKA1 SparkPoints: (21,774)
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11/18/16 10:40 A

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I hope you dance.

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GOANNA2's Photo GOANNA2 Posts: 18,112
11/9/16 10:32 P

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SLIMMERKIWI's Photo SLIMMERKIWI Posts: 26,040
11/9/16 12:30 A

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ndividual.asp?gid=30225


Co-Leader Crohn's Can't Stop Me
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=17464


I am not a Dr - please check with your qualified Health Professional for a diagnosis and treatment plan


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11/8/16 10:15 A

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A schoolteacher asked her class to construct sentences with the words defeat, detail and defense. One pupil raised their hand and said I can make a sentence with all of them:

"The cow jumped over defense and detail went over defeat."

``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


 current weight: 11.4  over
 
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