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12/4/16 6:59 P

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12/4/16 6:44 P

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11/29/16 6:42 P

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11/29/16 9:35 A

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Q: Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

A: At the bottom of the page.

``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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11/27/16 8:11 P

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11/19/16 12:15 P

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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SLIMMERKIWI's Photo SLIMMERKIWI SparkPoints: (205,696)
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11/18/16 5:34 P

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If two vegans argue, is that still a beef?

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11/18/16 10:40 A

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I hope you dance.

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11/9/16 10:32 P

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11/9/16 12:30 A

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11/8/16 10:15 A

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A schoolteacher asked her class to construct sentences with the words defeat, detail and defense. One pupil raised their hand and said I can make a sentence with all of them:

"The cow jumped over defense and detail went over defeat."

``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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GOANNA2's Photo GOANNA2 Posts: 15,923
10/30/16 12:45 A

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10/19/16 11:32 A

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Some of these are adorable!

``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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10/19/16 12:33 A

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Being a teacher is a harder profession than it looks. They have to deal with kids from all age groups and keep repeating the same thing over and over again (until most of the class understands). Teachers enjoy most of their days with the children but one thing they hate the most is when it comes to marking test papers. They hate the day when they realize how stupid some students can be, and sometimes the teachers start to believe that they have wasted their time on them. So here is an example of a teacher who was asked why she drinks after checking the results on test papers. Some of these answers will surprise you, and the rest will surely make you laugh.

She was asked why she drank after marking Student's Test Papers. What she showed them next is hysterical!

Q Name four seasons

A Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q How is dew formed

A The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q What guarantees may a Mortgage Company insist on.

A If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q In a Democratic Society, how important are elections.

A Very important. Sex can only happen when a man gets an election.

Q What happens to your body as you age.

A You get old and so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty.

A He says goodby to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q What is artificial insemination.

A When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. abdomen)

A The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heat and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the 5 bowels, A E I O U

Q What is the fibula

A A small lie

Q What is the most common form of birth control.

A Most people prevent conception by wearing a condominium.

Q What is a terminal illness.

A When you are sick at the airport.

Q What does the word 'benign' mean.

A Benign is what you will be after you be eight.



These kids were 16!!

Edited by: SLIMMERKIWI at: 10/19/2016 (00:33)
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GOANNA2's Photo GOANNA2 Posts: 15,923
10/18/16 5:14 P

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9/27/16 8:11 A

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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9/27/16 4:07 A

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My Doctor asked if anyone in my family was suffering from mental illness. I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."

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9/27/16 3:57 A

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ohhh yummy :-) Actually eating enough of them CAN cause us to become gummy :-)

Kris

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9/26/16 3:53 P

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What do you call a bear with no teeth?


A gummy bear!

``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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9/1/16 3:15 A

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8/30/16 9:45 A

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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8/30/16 3:29 A

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I tried to be normal once .............. worst two minutes of my life


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8/24/16 8:01 P

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8/24/16 9:38 A

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Two men knocked on my front door today and asked if I would donate to the new local swimming pool. So I gave them a bottle of water.

``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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8/18/16 2:45 P

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Katrina
Saskatchewan Time Zone

You can not change yesterday - it's done.
You can only dream of tomorrow.
The only day you can change is today.
What are you going to do today to reach your goals of tomorrow?

It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard is what makes it GREAT

Go little Turtle Go!


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8/17/16 10:12 A

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Thanks for the chuckles! emoticon

``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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8/17/16 8:32 A

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8/17/16 5:55 A

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Q: What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair?
A: Last year's hide-and-go-seek winner.



The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.
"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"

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8/15/16 7:35 A

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8/14/16 9:21 A

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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8/13/16 6:59 P

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A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled hearing.

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8/13/16 6:57 P

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hahaha ...... I don't think of algebra ..... I never took it emoticon

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8/13/16 6:08 P

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8/8/16 9:41 A

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When you want to get back to your youth....

Think of algebra!

``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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8/8/16 7:11 A

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8/4/16 10:04 A

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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8/4/16 12:50 A

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As I age

When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note so I could complain to my local MP about this security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed.

After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.

Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors.

Man, I hate this getting older stuff.

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8/4/16 12:48 A

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O.K., this isn't a joke, but it is funny and addictive never-the-less:
www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/slee
p/
sheep/reaction_version5.swf


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8/3/16 11:17 P

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7/29/16 8:56 A

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Love it! emoticon

``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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7/29/16 5:18 A

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With my ailing memory, I'm thinking of changing my password to "incorrect'

That way, when I log in with the wrong password.... the computer will tell me "Your password is incorrect"

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SLIMMERKIWI's Photo SLIMMERKIWI SparkPoints: (205,696)
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7/28/16 9:16 P

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emoticon emoticon

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I am not a Dr - please check with your qualified Health Professional for a diagnosis and treatment plan


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MRS_TOAD's Photo MRS_TOAD SparkPoints: (344,082)
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7/28/16 10:11 A

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emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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GOANNA2's Photo GOANNA2 Posts: 15,923
7/28/16 9:59 A

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Love it! God is good, that's for sure... emoticon

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7/28/16 7:56 A

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A bit longer joke -- one of my all-time favorites!


The Baptist White Lie Cake


Have you ever told a white lie?

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa, but forgot to do it until the last minute.

She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix & quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack for scout camp.

When she took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She exclaimed, “Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake!" So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.

She found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper. She skillfully placed the TP in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.

And before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold.

Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mom.

Alice was horrified-she was beside herself! Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed!

All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time. She did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa. But having already RSVP'd, she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old south, and to Alice's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert! Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake. She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!"

Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself."

Alice smiled and thought to herself, "God is good."


-- Susan


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GOANNA2's Photo GOANNA2 Posts: 15,923
7/25/16 12:53 A

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7/20/16 9:10 A

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What do you call a rabbit with fleas?



Bugs Bunny!

``````(.)~(.)``````
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--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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7/19/16 9:51 A

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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SLIMMERKIWI's Photo SLIMMERKIWI SparkPoints: (205,696)
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7/19/16 6:22 A

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Some People think I'm going crazy.
Joke is on them .... I went there years ago, fell in love with the place and decided to stay.

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I am not a Dr - please check with your qualified Health Professional for a diagnosis and treatment plan


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7/14/16 9:40 A

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


 current weight: 12.6  over
 
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SLIMMERKIWI's Photo SLIMMERKIWI SparkPoints: (205,696)
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7/14/16 1:09 A

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Co-Moderator Dealing with Depression
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ndividual.asp?gid=953


Team Leader Essential Tremors :-) (Benign and Familial) www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=30225


Co-Leader Crohn's Can't Stop Me
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I am not a Dr - please check with your qualified Health Professional for a diagnosis and treatment plan


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BAKES3000's Photo BAKES3000 Posts: 2,420
7/13/16 11:14 A

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Have you heard about the corduroy pillows? They're making headlines. emoticon

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. ~Eleanor Roosevelt


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5/21/16 10:19 A

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


 current weight: 12.6  over
 
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5/21/16 2:50 A

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I am not a Dr - please check with your qualified Health Professional for a diagnosis and treatment plan


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GOANNA2's Photo GOANNA2 Posts: 15,923
5/21/16 2:49 A

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A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.
"Ha! Tha'ts not going to help," she said.
"Sure it does," he said.
"It's the only way I can see the numbers."

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GOANNA2's Photo GOANNA2 Posts: 15,923
5/21/16 2:46 A

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Loved all those puns.

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FOXBAY99's Photo FOXBAY99 SparkPoints: (69,616)
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5/19/16 10:46 P

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Thanks for the puns. They are really funny. emoticon

Where there's a will, there's a way.
- An old English Prove

If it's important to you you'll find a way.
If not, you'll find an excuse.
- Frank Banks.

Strive for progress, not perfection.
- SparkPeople.


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5/19/16 10:19 A

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emoticon I love puns!

``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


 current weight: 12.6  over
 
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SLIMMERKIWI's Photo SLIMMERKIWI SparkPoints: (205,696)
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5/18/16 7:35 P

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Punography


I tried to catch some fog .... I mist

When Chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went ..... then it dawned on me.

The girl said she’d met me at the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbifore.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity, but I couldn’t put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type O.

PMS jokes aren’t funny ..... period!

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there is no pop quiz.

Energizer Bunny arrested: charged with battery.


I didn’t like my beard first. But then it grew on me.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it is hungry? It goes back four seconds.

Broken pencils are pointless.


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Co-Leader Crohn's Can't Stop Me
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ndividual.asp?gid=17464


I am not a Dr - please check with your qualified Health Professional for a diagnosis and treatment plan


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SLIMMERKIWI's Photo SLIMMERKIWI SparkPoints: (205,696)
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5/18/16 7:31 P

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Co-Moderator Dealing with Depression
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ndividual.asp?gid=953


Team Leader Essential Tremors :-) (Benign and Familial) www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=30225


Co-Leader Crohn's Can't Stop Me
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ndividual.asp?gid=17464


I am not a Dr - please check with your qualified Health Professional for a diagnosis and treatment plan


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FOXBAY99's Photo FOXBAY99 SparkPoints: (69,616)
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5/18/16 6:18 P

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Q:
Why is a dog man's best friend?

A:
Because it wags its tail and not its tongue.

emoticon

Where there's a will, there's a way.
- An old English Prove

If it's important to you you'll find a way.
If not, you'll find an excuse.
- Frank Banks.

Strive for progress, not perfection.
- SparkPeople.


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