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  Team Forum
Dealing with Depression

A Guide to Posting in Your SparkTeam Forum

  FORUM:   Fun & Games
TOPIC:   Joke of the Day - Part TEN 


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MRS_TOAD
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4/19/14 9:27 A

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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123ELAINE456
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4/19/14 5:14 A

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VERY GOOD ONES.

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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SLIMMERKIWI
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4/19/14 3:59 A

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Punography


I tried to catch some fog .... I mist

When Chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went ..... then it dawned on me.

The girl said she’d met me at the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity, but I couldn’t put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type O.

PMS jokes aren’t funny ..... period!

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there is no pop quiz.

Energizer Bunny arrested: charged with battery.

I didn’t like my beard first. But then it grew on me.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it is hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Broken pencils are pointless.


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Co-Leader Crohn's Can't Stop Me
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ndividual.asp?gid=17464


I am not a Dr - please check with your qualified Health Professional for a diagnosis and treatment plan


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MRS_TOAD
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4/18/14 8:27 A

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


 current weight: 6.6  over
 
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123ELAINE456
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4/18/14 5:04 A

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VERY FUNNY. LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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WORKOUTWITHPAM
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4/18/14 1:43 A

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A jet plane suddenly bursts into flames whilst it is thousands of feet in the air. Everybody is panicking; death is imminent. One woman stands up and declares "I want to feel like a woman one last time if anyone here is man enough to do it!" A man near her promptly stands up, takes off his shirt, and says "Here; iron this!"


Co-Leader of the Fitness Instructors Team

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I am not a medical professional or a trained counselor. Please seek professional advice about treatment options.


123ELAINE456
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4/17/14 4:46 A

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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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LAFROGGIE
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4/16/14 8:05 P

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*giggles*

God gives me every day and I am thankful. I hop to my goals daily.


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GOOFYMARATHON
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123ELAINE456
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4/16/14 8:17 A

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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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123ELAINE456
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4/15/14 2:25 P

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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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123ELAINE456
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4/14/14 5:00 A

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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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MRS_TOAD
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4/13/14 10:03 A

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emoticon

``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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GOANNA2
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4/13/14 8:26 A

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123ELAINE456
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4/13/14 5:19 A

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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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WORKOUTWITHPAM
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4/12/14 4:11 P

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A woman walks into a pet store and sees a handsome bright red parrot. She asks the cashier how much the parrot is. The cashier says, "I'll sell it, but I should warn you, it was donated by a brothel, so it might have picked up some colorful language." The woman says, "Oh, that's okay." She buys the parrot and takes it home. When she takes the towel off its cage, the parrot looks at her and says, "Awk. New madam. Hello madam." A few hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters come home from school. The parrot looks at them and says, "Awk. New girls. Hello girls." A couple hours after that, the woman's husband Phil comes home from work. The parrot looks at him and says, "Awk. Hi Phil."


Co-Leader of the Fitness Instructors Team

Senior Moderator of the Dealing with Depression Team

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ndividual.asp?gid=953


I am not a medical professional or a trained counselor. Please seek professional advice about treatment options.


123ELAINE456
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4/12/14 5:32 A

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VERY SAD.

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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WORKOUTWITHPAM
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4/12/14 2:33 A

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A man is sitting at home and a police officer knocks on his door. The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, "Yes I am." He then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. "Sure hold on a second." The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train." The man says, "I know, but she has a good personality and is an excellent cook."

emoticon


Co-Leader of the Fitness Instructors Team

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123ELAINE456
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4/11/14 4:56 A

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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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123ELAINE456
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4/10/14 4:45 A

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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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123ELAINE456
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4/9/14 6:40 A

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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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MRS_TOAD
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4/8/14 8:38 A

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emoticon

``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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123ELAINE456
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4/8/14 5:51 A

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OH SO CUTE!!! LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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WORKOUTWITHPAM
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4/8/14 2:36 A

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all builders working on a bridge. The Englishman opens his lunch-box and says, "If I get one more tuna sandwich, I'm going to jump off this bridge." The Scotsman opens his lunch box and says, "If I get one more ham sandwich, I'm going to jump off this bridge." The Irishman then says, "If I get one more egg sandwich, I'm going to jump off this bridge." The next day, all three get the same lunch, all three jump off the bridge, and all three die. At their funeral, the Englishman's wife says, "If only I'd known he didn't like tuna." The Scotsman's wife says, "If only I'd known he didn't like ham." The Irishman's wife says, "I don't understand it. He made his own sandwiches."


Co-Leader of the Fitness Instructors Team

Senior Moderator of the Dealing with Depression Team

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I am not a medical professional or a trained counselor. Please seek professional advice about treatment options.


123ELAINE456
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4/7/14 5:06 A

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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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GOANNA2
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4/7/14 3:47 A

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MRS_TOAD
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4/6/14 8:33 A

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


 current weight: 6.6  over
 
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123ELAINE456
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4/6/14 5:28 A

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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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WORKOUTWITHPAM
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4/5/14 7:35 P

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A father buys a lie detecting robot that slaps a person when he lies. He decides to test it out on his son at supper. “Where were you last night?” “I was at the library.” The robot slaps the son. “Okay, I was at a friend’s house.” “Doing what?” asks the father. “Watching a movie, Toy Story.” The robot slaps the son. “Okay, it was porn!” cries the son. The father yells, “What? When I was your age, I didn't know what porn was!” The robot slaps the father. The mother laughs and says, “He certainly is your son!” The robot slaps the mother.


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WORKOUTWITHPAM
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4/5/14 7:35 P

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I am not a medical professional or a trained counselor. Please seek professional advice about treatment options.


SLIMMERKIWI
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4/5/14 6:22 P

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"The Brothel"


The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else"
said the madam.

He replied, "No, I must see Valerie."

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. "There are no discounts. The price is still $5000."

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, "New Brunswick ."

"Really," she said. "I have family in New Brunswick ."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three (3) things in life are certain:

1. Death

2. Taxes AND........

3. Being screwed by a lawyer!

emoticon emoticon




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Co-Leader Crohn's Can't Stop Me
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I am not a Dr - please check with your qualified Health Professional for a diagnosis and treatment plan


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SLIMMERKIWI
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4/5/14 5:40 P

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Co-Moderator Dealing with Depression
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ndividual.asp?gid=953


Team Leader Essential Tremors :-) (Benign and Familial) www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=30225


Co-Leader Crohn's Can't Stop Me
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=17464


I am not a Dr - please check with your qualified Health Professional for a diagnosis and treatment plan


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WORKOUTWITHPAM
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The boss has to lay off one person from his department and he's narrowed the choice down to Ann or Jack. First he invites Ann in. The boss says "I have a problem, I have to lay you or Jack off." She replies "You better jack off, I've got a headache"







Co-Leader of the Fitness Instructors Team

Senior Moderator of the Dealing with Depression Team

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=953


I am not a medical professional or a trained counselor. Please seek professional advice about treatment options.


GOANNA2
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123ELAINE456
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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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WORKOUTWITHPAM
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I am not a medical professional or a trained counselor. Please seek professional advice about treatment options.


MRS_TOAD
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4/4/14 8:50 A

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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DEBTEVELDAHL
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Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance - Samuel Johnson


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SLIMMERKIWI
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4/4/14 6:01 A

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The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his girth from too much pi.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two silkworms entered a race, but they ended up in a tie.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.





Edited by: SLIMMERKIWI at: 4/4/2014 (06:05)
Co-Moderator Dealing with Depression
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=953


Team Leader Essential Tremors :-) (Benign and Familial) www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=30225


Co-Leader Crohn's Can't Stop Me
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=17464


I am not a Dr - please check with your qualified Health Professional for a diagnosis and treatment plan


 current weight: 151.0 
 
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123ELAINE456
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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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GOANNA2
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Thanks Chris. Loved it. emoticon


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MRS_TOAD
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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


 current weight: 6.6  over
 
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GOANNA2
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123ELAINE456
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4/3/14 4:46 A

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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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DEBTEVELDAHL
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4/3/14 2:41 A

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Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance - Samuel Johnson


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GATSBY12
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4/2/14 6:51 P

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SLIMMERKIWI
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4/2/14 5:38 P

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The Pregnant Blonde

The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy. I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, “Sally, I have some really great news!"

I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."

She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, and told me that she was pregnant!

I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!"

Then she said, "There's more."

I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have twins."

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said...

(You're going to love this!)


“That was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!”



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MRS_TOAD
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4/2/14 8:48 A

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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GATSBY12
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4/2/14 7:52 A

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DEBTEVELDAHL
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4/2/14 6:59 A

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Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance - Samuel Johnson


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123ELAINE456
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4/2/14 5:35 A

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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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SLIMMERKIWI
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4/2/14 4:09 A

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Kiwi bloke was on earth doing the Haka. Somewhere in space, Aliens were watching this unusual dance.

"Kamate, kamate, ka-ora, ka-ora......"

The Aliens were very interested and they wanted to see what would happen if they would take a part of his brain away without him even knowing. So with their alien technology they sent a laser beam down that hit the Kiwi's head and took a part of his brain away.

The Aliens then sat back to see what would happen.

"Ka-mate, ka-mate, ka-ora, ka-ora......."

What the??? The Aliens were amazed with what they were seeing. The Kiwi guy could operate with less than a full brain. So they decided to send the beam down and take another part of his brain. The Aliens watched on.

"Ka-mate, ka-mate, ka-ora, ka-ora......"

"WHAT!!!" the Aliens said to each other. "These Kiwis are very clever people even with half a brain. Let's see what happens if we take the rest of it away and leave him with no brain at all!"

So with a push of a button the Aliens sent the beam down and took away the final part of the Kiwi's brain.

"Now surely he won't know anything at all.He should be too dumb and stupid to do anything now?"

And sure enough, with no brain and no knowledge of anything at all as the Aliens watched on the bloke sang,





"WALTZING MATILDA, WALTZING MATILDA......"



emoticon emoticon emoticon (sorry GOANNA2 .... it HAD to be done :-)



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123ELAINE456
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4/1/14 4:40 A

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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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TITATOTA
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3/31/14 2:20 P

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LOL!




123ELAINE456
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3/31/14 5:01 A

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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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GATSBY12
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3/30/14 6:41 A

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123ELAINE456
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3/30/14 4:16 A

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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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SWEETLILBLUEYES
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3/29/14 12:13 P

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I just found this thread. It made me smile Thanks for the laughs!

One day at a time.

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal.
It is the courage to continue that matters!'


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GOANNA2
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3/29/14 10:55 A

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Love the fish friar Kris. emoticon


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MRS_TOAD
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3/29/14 9:17 A

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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123ELAINE456
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3/29/14 6:24 A

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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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DEBTEVELDAHL
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3/29/14 6:15 A

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Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance - Samuel Johnson


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GOANNA2
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3/29/14 4:49 A

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Ha, ha.


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WORKOUTWITHPAM
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3/29/14 4:33 A

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Tom had a cat that he loved so much that he would never leave it with anyone. Tom's brother offered to care for the cat so Tom could have a much needed vacation. After being promised that the cat would be well cared for, Tom agreed to go. A few days later he called to see how his cat was doing. To his shock his brother responded, "Well, I'm sorry to say your cat died." In disbelief, Tom said, "That's a terrible way to deliver such bad news. You could have let me down slowly by saying the cat was on the roof, then the firemen were there, then oh no the cat fell. But let's not talk more of such a tragic thing, how is Mom?" To which the brother responded, "Well, she's on the roof."


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3/29/14 4:32 A

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TITATOTA
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3/29/14 1:37 A

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DEBTEVELDAHL
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3/28/14 10:21 P

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Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance - Samuel Johnson


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SLIMMERKIWI
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3/28/14 7:15 P

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Co-Moderator Dealing with Depression
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ndividual.asp?gid=953


Team Leader Essential Tremors :-) (Benign and Familial) www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=30225


Co-Leader Crohn's Can't Stop Me
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I am not a Dr - please check with your qualified Health Professional for a diagnosis and treatment plan


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GATSBY12
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3/28/14 6:51 P

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A man left for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages.
When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife.
After two hours, she stopped nagging and said: 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?' He replied: 'That would be fine with me.' Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.


Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-90990/The-UKs-jokes.html#ixzz2xIhPzDCh
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123ELAINE456
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3/28/14 4:40 A

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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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123ELAINE456
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3/27/14 7:01 A

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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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