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GOANNA2's Photo GOANNA2 Posts: 12,383
5/3/15 6:40 A

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5/1/15 11:02 A

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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SLIMMERKIWI's Photo SLIMMERKIWI SparkPoints: (153,308)
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5/1/15 12:10 A

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Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.

"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man ?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled _expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses.


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GOANNA2's Photo GOANNA2 Posts: 12,383
4/30/15 7:21 A

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WEALTHYINHEALTH Posts: 3
4/17/15 3:57 P

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lol

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4/4/15 9:35 A

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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MSGRANNYMAE's Photo MSGRANNYMAE Posts: 7,955
4/3/15 8:59 P

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I can be changed by what happens to me, but I refuse to be reduced by it. -Maya Angelou
++++++++++++++++++

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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4/3/15 9:41 A

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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4/2/15 6:03 P

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Last night my wife text to say that she was in Casualty. When I got home I watched all 50 minutes of it ........ never saw her once.

She still hasn't come home yet.

I'm starving! :-(

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GOANNA2's Photo GOANNA2 Posts: 12,383
3/23/15 7:01 A

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MSGRANNYMAE's Photo MSGRANNYMAE Posts: 7,955
3/22/15 7:05 P

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I can be changed by what happens to me, but I refuse to be reduced by it. -Maya Angelou
++++++++++++++++++

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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3/22/15 5:56 P

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GOANNA2's Photo GOANNA2 Posts: 12,383
3/14/15 1:31 A

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3/8/15 12:04 P

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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3/8/15 4:23 A

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Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in ATLANTA. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"

Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings...It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, well there's just one thing..."

"What's that?"

"Have you farted yet?"

"No....."

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!!!"


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3/1/15 2:16 P

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Love them!

Edited by: MRS_TOAD at: 3/1/2015 (14:17)
``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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SLIMMERKIWI's Photo SLIMMERKIWI SparkPoints: (153,308)
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2/28/15 10:39 P

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My Dr told me to eat 5 fruit and vegetables every day. Today I ate 3 raisins and 2 peas.



Edited by: SLIMMERKIWI at: 2/28/2015 (22:40)
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2/28/15 10:38 P

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It's impossible to stick to my diet, but I get a lot of exercise beating myself up.

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2/28/15 10:36 P

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Every time I go on a diet I lose my mind .....


Unfortunately it doesn't weigh very much emoticon

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GOANNA2's Photo GOANNA2 Posts: 12,383
2/20/15 7:44 P

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Love the rake... emoticon

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SUNVALLEY_SPARK Posts: 10
2/19/15 9:09 P

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LOL I certainly agree with that!

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GOANNA2's Photo GOANNA2 Posts: 12,383
2/19/15 7:27 A

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Thanks Kris! That was really clever and funny.

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2/16/15 2:16 P

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Thanks for the Fifty Shades post. Laughed until I cried. emoticon

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2/16/15 10:52 A

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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2/16/15 4:02 A

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FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view)



The missus bought a Paperback,

down Shepton Mallet way,

I had a look inside her bag;

... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".



Well I just left her to it,

And then I went to bed.

An hour later she appeared;

The sight filled me with dread...



In her left she held a rope;

And in her right a whip!

She threw them down upon the floor,

And then began to strip.



Well fifty years or so ago;

I might have had a peek;

But Mabel hasn't weathered well;

She's eighty four next week!!



Watching Mabel bump and grind;

Could not have been much grimmer.

And things then went from bad to worse;

She toppled off her Zimmer!



She struggled back upon her feet;

A couple minutes later;

She put her teeth back in and said

I am a dominator !!



Now if you knew our Mabel,

You'd see just why I spluttered,

I'd spent two months in traction

For the last complaint I'd uttered.



She stood there rude and naked

Bent forward just a bit

I went to hold her, sensual like

and stood on her left tit!



Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;

My God what had I done!?

She moaned and groaned then shouted out:

"Step on the other one"!!



Well readers, I can't tell no more;

About what occurred that day.

Suffice to say my jet black hair,

Turned fifty shades of grey




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2/16/15 3:14 A

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I really think that tossing and turning at night should be classed as exercise!


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MRS_TOAD's Photo MRS_TOAD SparkPoints: (254,344)
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2/8/15 10:09 A

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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2/8/15 2:30 A

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I was working in the garden this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn't find the rake.. I yelled up to my wife, “Where is the rake?"

She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?" I pointed to my eye, and then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion.

Then my wife wasn't sure and said "What?" I repeated the gestures.

"Eye - Kneed - The Rake"

My wife replied that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her backside, and finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one.

Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?

She replies,(Scroll down - it is worth it, I promise!)























"Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush" !!!
emoticon emoticon



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SALAM4545's Photo SALAM4545 Posts: 712
2/8/15 1:19 A

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What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals. Henry David Thoreau


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2/1/15 12:41 P

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1/28/15 1:15 A

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If you don't accept yourself, you won't live fully, and if you don't live fully, you'll need to get full some other way. Victoria Moran


Be Yourself. Everybody else is already taken. -Oscar Wilde

Take one second of one minute of one day at a time.

Be present. Be mindful. Be in wise mind.


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1/22/15 9:44 A

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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AGILEK9S's Photo AGILEK9S SparkPoints: (12,568)
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1/21/15 6:56 P

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Sue
Pittsburgh, PA


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1/21/15 6:17 P

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A painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.
Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Doolin in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude.

This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact and she was willing to pay up to $10,000.

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.

In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said. "The wife says it's okay.

"I'll paint ya in da nude all right, but I have to at least leave me socks on so I have a place to wipe me brushes."...................



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1/20/15 10:32 A

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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1/20/15 3:46 A

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A big shot business from New York man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. He had no respect for anyone. He caused so much havoc that none of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature.”

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

“No, I’m sorry, the nurse stated, “but for this reading, I can’t use an oral thermometer.”

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!”

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man’s doctor comes into the room.

“What’s going on here?” asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?”

After a pause, the doctor replies, “Yes, but never with a daffodil!”


Edited by: SLIMMERKIWI at: 1/20/2015 (03:49)
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1/10/15 6:58 A

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emoticon There's a lot to be said about old ladies

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12/30/14 2:27 A

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a Salesman standing right behind her – Good looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.

He politely greets the lady with, ‘Good day, Madam. How may we help You today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’, she asks, ‘what is the price of this Lovely bracelet?’

He answers, “Madam – if you farted just looking at it – you’re going to sh*t yourself when I tell you the price!”


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12/14/14 8:57 A

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12/1/14 10:51 P

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How can she hold they guys balls and not squeeze? Too ripe.

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Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance - Samuel Johnson


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12/1/14 11:04 A

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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11/30/14 5:06 P

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Square Testicles??????? This is a joke that is supposed to bring you luck.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I'll bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.? The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Canada !'




The moral of the story?? NEVER mess with an elderly woman

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11/24/14 4:39 A

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Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance - Samuel Johnson


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11/23/14 9:56 A

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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WORKOUTWITHPAM's Photo WORKOUTWITHPAM Posts: 140,794
11/22/14 7:28 P

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A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

'Mum, look what I found,' the boy called out.

'What have you got there, dear?'

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered,

'I think it's Adam's underwear!'


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"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be."
-Marc Pagnol
CALGIRL80 Posts: 456
11/21/14 5:19 P

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hahaha

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11/20/14 3:32 P

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Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance - Samuel Johnson


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11/20/14 2:19 A

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hahaha that's funny emoticon

I can and I will

You get credit for what you finish, not what you started. (Unknown)


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11/20/14 1:01 A

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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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11/16/14 8:11 A

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LOL emoticon

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11/14/14 1:59 P

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LOL!!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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LOL!!!!!!!!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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11/9/14 10:50 P

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Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

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"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be."
-Marc Pagnol
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11/9/14 10:48 P

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"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be."
-Marc Pagnol
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11/9/14 10:05 A

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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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LOL

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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THANKS FOR THE LAUGHS.

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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OMG!! LOLOLOLOLOLOL emoticon

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11/3/14 10:08 A

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emoticon Thanks for the laughs.

``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Poland. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
...
The third man married a girl from Ireland. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees...

Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance - Samuel Johnson


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Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance - Samuel Johnson


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Occasionally at work I get an opportunity to have a nice conversation with guests who stay for a while. Yesterday one of the guests asked me if I was married. I replied " No, I buried my husband about two years ago." She looked sad and said, "I'm so sorry." I said, " Don't feel too bad. He wasn't dead yet!"

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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be."
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Thank-you for that

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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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