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9/15/14 8:24 A

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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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9/15/14 1:49 A

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emoticon

Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance - Samuel Johnson


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WORKOUTWITHPAM's Photo WORKOUTWITHPAM Posts: 134,876
9/14/14 6:41 P

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Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

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"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be."
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9/14/14 5:10 A

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AWESOME!!! LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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9/13/14 5:05 P

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Q: Why did the picture go to jail?
A: Because it was framed.

Q: What do you call a three-footed aardvark?
A: a yardvark!

Q: What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant?
A: Swimming trunks.

Q: Where do bees go to the bathroom?
A: At the BP station!

Q: Who earns a living driving their customers away?
A: A taxi driver.

Q: What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise?
A: LMAYO

Q: What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary?
A: a thesaurus.

Q: "How do you shoot a killer bee?"
A: "With a bee bee gun."

Q: What kind of jokes do you make in the shower?
A: Clean Jokes!

Q: What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?
A: "Where’s Popcorn?"

Q: What do you call sad coffee?"
A: Despresso.

Q: How do you make holy water?
A: Boil the hell out of it!

Q: What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly?
A: It barked with de-light!

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"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be."
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9/13/14 4:53 A

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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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9/12/14 4:30 A

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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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9/11/14 6:25 A

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TOO FUNNY!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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9/11/14 5:42 A

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Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance - Samuel Johnson


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9/11/14 5:32 A

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too funny

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9/11/14 3:31 A

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A woman was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay the high prices. After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price." Later in the day, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. She took aim at an alligator, killed it and hauled it onto the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration, "Damn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either."

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"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be."
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9/10/14 9:17 A

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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9/10/14 8:52 A

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9/10/14 4:49 A

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CUTE.

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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9/9/14 7:08 P

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Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance - Samuel Johnson


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9/9/14 2:44 P

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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. - Unknown


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"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be."
-Marc Pagnol
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9/9/14 2:43 P

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Pretty Smart! emoticon

Edited by: WORKOUTWITHPAM at: 9/9/2014 (14:44)
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"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be."
-Marc Pagnol
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9/9/14 12:12 P

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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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9/9/14 9:56 A

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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DEBTEVELDAHL's Photo DEBTEVELDAHL SparkPoints: (85,758)
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9/9/14 2:27 A

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Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance - Samuel Johnson


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9/8/14 6:23 P

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Paddy bought a camel from a farmer for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the camel the next day.

In the morning he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The camel’s died.’

Paddy replied, ‘Well just give me my money back then.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve already spent it.’

Paddy said, ‘OK then, just bring me the dead camel.’

The farmer asked, ‘What are you going to do with him?’

Paddy said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’

The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle a dead camel!’

Paddy said, ‘Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ‘What happened with that dead camel?’

Paddy said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 each and made a profit of $898′

The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’

Paddy said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2 back.’




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9/8/14 6:21 P

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Great quotes, and ohhh, so true

Co-Moderator Dealing with Depression
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Team Leader Essential Tremors :-) (Benign and Familial) www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=30225


Co-Leader Crohn's Can't Stop Me
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ndividual.asp?gid=17464


I am not a Dr - please check with your qualified Health Professional for a diagnosis and treatment plan


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MRS_TOAD's Photo MRS_TOAD SparkPoints: (219,557)
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9/8/14 9:39 A

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Some of these are too true! emoticon

``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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WORKOUTWITHPAM's Photo WORKOUTWITHPAM Posts: 134,876
9/8/14 8:31 A

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I am not a medical professional or a trained counselor. Please seek professional advice about treatment options.

"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be."
-Marc Pagnol
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9/8/14 8:07 A

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AWESOME QUOTES. LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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9/7/14 11:50 A

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YOU KNOW YOU ARE OLD IF.......

You and your teeth don't sleep together.

•Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.

•At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.

•Your back goes out but you stay home.

•When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.

•It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

•When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

•When happy hour is a nap.

•When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.

•When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.

•When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

•When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.

•Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

•It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

•Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.

•Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

•You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

•The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

•Getting lucky means you found your car in the parking lot.

•The twinkle in your eye is only a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.

•The iron in your blood turns to lead in your pants.

•It takes twice as long to look half as good.

•Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

•Your house catches fire and the first thing you grab is your Metamucil.

•You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.

•You get two invitations to go out on the same night and you pick the one that gets you home the earliest.

•You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.

•You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.

•You get to the check-out line, see how long it is, and decide what you have in your buggy isn't worth the wait.

•You have more patience, but actually it's just that you don't care anymore.

•Rocking in a rocking chair feels like a roller coaster ride.

•You confuse having a clear conscience with a bad memory.

•You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

•You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.






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"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be."
-Marc Pagnol
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9/7/14 10:39 A

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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123ELAINE456 SparkPoints: (155,217)
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9/7/14 7:02 A

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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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WORKOUTWITHPAM's Photo WORKOUTWITHPAM Posts: 134,876
9/6/14 2:34 P

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Q: Why did the belt get locked up?

A: He held up a pair of pants


Co-Leader of the Fitness Instructors Team
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I am not a medical professional or a trained counselor. Please seek professional advice about treatment options.

"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be."
-Marc Pagnol
123ELAINE456 SparkPoints: (155,217)
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9/6/14 5:30 A

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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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9/5/14 9:20 A

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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9/5/14 7:07 A

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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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9/5/14 5:56 A

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Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance - Samuel Johnson


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9/5/14 1:48 A

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I am not a medical professional or a trained counselor. Please seek professional advice about treatment options.

"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be."
-Marc Pagnol
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9/5/14 1:19 A

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There were two nuns

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical(SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: "Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants?"

SL: "It's logical. He wants to ****us."

SM: "Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?"

SL: "The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster."

A little while later...

SM: "It's not working."

SL: "Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too."

SM: "So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute."

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both."

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.


Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: "Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: "The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me."

SM: "Yes, yes! But what happened then?"

SL: "The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could."

SM: "And?"

SL : "The only logical thing happened. He reached me."

SM : "Oh, dear! What did you do?"

SL : "The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up."

SM : "Oh, Sister! What did the man do?"

SL: "The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants."

SM: "Oh, no! What happened then?"

SL "Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down."



And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, .......................................


say two Hail Marys!


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Co-Leader Crohn's Can't Stop Me
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I am not a Dr - please check with your qualified Health Professional for a diagnosis and treatment plan


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9/5/14 1:12 A

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Team Leader Essential Tremors :-) (Benign and Familial) www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
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Co-Leader Crohn's Can't Stop Me
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I am not a Dr - please check with your qualified Health Professional for a diagnosis and treatment plan


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9/4/14 5:57 P

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A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

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"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be."
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9/4/14 5:54 A

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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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9/3/14 8:59 A

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LOL!!!!!!!!!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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9/1/14 7:21 A

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LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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8/31/14 5:54 A

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LOL!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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8/30/14 9:37 P

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"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be."
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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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8/28/14 1:41 P

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LOL!!!LOL!!! LOL!!! AND MORE LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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I just saw this on another thread and thought that I would share it:

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well dear, what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong

Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance - Samuel Johnson


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8/27/14 12:36 P

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Oh my little grandson will love this, and he will tell all his buddies!
Cheers!

God grant me the strength to reach my goal.


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emoticon Cute!

``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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8/27/14 8:41 A

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Why was 6 afraid? Because 7 8 9.

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8/27/14 8:35 A

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Priceless. Thanks Kris. emoticon

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8/25/14 2:12 P

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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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8/25/14 5:26 A

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Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance - Samuel Johnson


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8/24/14 7:15 P

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As I age ....

When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note so I could complain to my local MP about this security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed.

After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.

Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors.

Man, I hate this getting older stuff.



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8/24/14 8:24 A

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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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8/24/14 5:33 A

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I am not a medical professional or a trained counselor. Please seek professional advice about treatment options.

"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be."
-Marc Pagnol
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8/22/14 4:50 A

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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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8/18/14 4:42 A

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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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8/17/14 5:16 A

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LOL!!!

GOD BLESSINGS TO EVERYONE. MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS. HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK. TAKE CARE.


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Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance - Samuel Johnson


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Typo Mistakes

1. A daughter sent a telegram to her father about passing her B.Ed exams, which the father received as ” Father, your daughter has been successful in BED.”

2. A husband, while on a business trip to a hill station sent a telegram to his wife “I wish you were here.” The message received by the wife was “I wish you were her.”

3. A man wanted to celebrate his wife’s Birthday by throwing a party,so he ordered a birthday cake. The salesman asked him what message he wanted put on the cake. He thought for a moment then said ”U r getting older but U r getting better”.

The salesman asked “how do you want me to put it?”

The man said “..put “U r getting older” at the top and put “but U r getting better” at the bottom.”

When the cake was unveiled at the party, all the guests were aghast at the message on the cake. It read:

“You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at the bottom”

Moral of the Story:
Double proof read everything before you send.
Don’t trust others to write it right for you.

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8/12/14 9:02 A

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``````(.)~(.)``````
`````(--------)`````
--oo0------0oo--
``````ribbit!`````

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance. ~ unknown

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. ~ unknown


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Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance - Samuel Johnson


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8/11/14 6:58 P

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8/11/14 6:41 P

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An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the
85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

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8/11/14 6:36 P

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Fantastic joke emoticon

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Great works are performed not by strength but by perseverance - Samuel Johnson


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