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-WISPY-'s Photo -WISPY- Posts: 24,053
2/10/14 6:45 P

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Here are 20 Steps to get you thinking - if you are not sure - from Melody Beattie's classic best seller - "Codependent No More"



Care Taking

Codependents may:
1. Think and feel responsible for other people---for other people's feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being, and ultimate destiny.
2. Feel anxiety, pity, and guilt when other people have a problem.
3. Feel compelled --almost forced -- to help that person solve the problem, such as offering unwanted advice, giving a rapid-fire series of suggestions, or fixing feelings.
4. Feel angry when their help isn't effective.
5. Anticipate other people's needs
6. Wonder why others don't do the same for them.
7. Doing more than their fair share of the work, and doing things for others that they are quite capable of doing for themselves.
8. Not knowing what they want and need, or if they do, tell themselves what they want and need is not important.
9. Try to please others instead of themselves.
10. Find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others rather than injustices done to themselves.
11. Feel safest when giving.
12. Feel insecure and guilty when somebody gives to them.
13. Feel sad because they spend their whole lives giving to other people and nobody gives to them.
14. Find themselves attracted to needy people.
15. Find needy people attracted to them.
16. Feel bored, empty, and worthless if they don't have a crisis in their lives, a problem to solve, or someone to help.
17. Abandon their routine to respond to or do something for somebody else.
18. Over commit themselves.
19. Feel harried and pressured.
20. Believe deep inside other people are somehow responsible for them.
21. Blame others for the spot the codependents are in.
22. Say other people make the codependents feel the way they do.
23. Believe other people are making them crazy.
24. Feel angry, victimized, unappreciated, and used.
25. Find other people become impatient or angry with them for all of the preceding characteristics.

If this is you - take heart - it was like a blueprint for the person I was. A light came on for me once I read this book and I began to free myself from my co-dependency.



"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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-WISPY-'s Photo -WISPY- Posts: 24,053
6/20/12 3:20 A

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What helped most for me was the free group I belonged to. We carried out specific exercies in the things we found it hard to deal with. Like you I had a lot of them. :o)

"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


 current weight: 175.0 
 
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RIGEIN24's Photo RIGEIN24 SparkPoints: (8,306)
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6/18/12 6:50 A

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I am every single one of those except number 16...
I wish I could get help for it but self-help books don't work. I've tried them. Also no money at the moment for a therapist

"I'm not in this world to live up to your expectations and you're not in this world to live up to mine."
-WISPY-'s Photo -WISPY- Posts: 24,053
6/9/12 2:21 A

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It was really making my life a misery towards the end. Somehow when the children were little it all seemed so reasonable and also in those days wives were much more focused on 'holding things together in the home'. It was very easy to feel virtuous, but then after joining AA I began to discover the reasons why I did what I did and being in an environment where we all do help one another like a twelve step programme I just fell into my comfort zone and started trying to help and fix everyone - whether they wanted it or not! lol. It is part of the process of recovery for some of us. I think many people have this tendency and it is not a problem for them so there would be no reason or desire to change. For me however it did become one, because I found myself taking on all the personal problems of people I was trying to help and also feeling responsible for their progress, or lack thereof and that dragged me down emotionally.

"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


 current weight: 175.0 
 
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MRS_EVA_K's Photo MRS_EVA_K Posts: 3,608
6/8/12 2:09 P

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You know I often tell myself, "I have to stop doing this." But then I don't stop. Or I do stop and then something comes along that makes me feel I need to take the role again.... emoticon food for thought.

"We may encounter many defeats but we must not be defeated." --
Maya Angelou




~~~~~Co-leader of~~~~~
A Gathering of Goddesses



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-WISPY-'s Photo -WISPY- Posts: 24,053
6/7/12 6:58 P

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YES Eva, that was me too. I used to keep all the 'difficult' things from my husband so he wouldnt have to worry. That was a thrill I used to keep all for myself. At the time these things all seemed so reasonable - what was I thinking!!

"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


 current weight: 175.0 
 
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MRS_EVA_K's Photo MRS_EVA_K Posts: 3,608
6/7/12 9:29 A

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I would say that is a resounding yes on the being a co-dependent person. Probably the enabler since I take on the responsibilities so no one else has to feel the stress.


"We may encounter many defeats but we must not be defeated." --
Maya Angelou




~~~~~Co-leader of~~~~~
A Gathering of Goddesses



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-WISPY-'s Photo -WISPY- Posts: 24,053
6/6/12 10:39 P

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Hey there Laurie, I am so happy to see you. Didn't recognise the new picture - but yes indeedy it is you my friend. xx

"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


 current weight: 175.0 
 
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-WISPY-'s Photo -WISPY- Posts: 24,053
6/6/12 7:10 P

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Hey there to you guys, first off I want to congratulate you both on your great weight loss. It is so satisfying to see it coming off and staying off. I have been in SP for three years and have lost slowly for assorted reasons, but now I am half way there and it is such a good feeling to be able to maintain what I have lost and keep moving forward.

Both of you have recounted my experiences as a co-dependent. My first reaction was quite definitely Oh NO!!!! as I identified with one question after another. I had seemed so 'spiritual' in my own mind. I discovered what I was really doing and why - I was a martyr and not in a good way. :o)
It was suggested that I look for and write down a list of the payoffs I was getting from using this behaviour - and believe me when I looked it was not a pretty sight - and sure not very spiritual. This is one of the hardest things I have ever done because it involved looking at me and my motives rather than judging other people and finding them at fault in some way.

But like you MLM, it has been a wonderful growing experience and I wouldn't change a single thing about it. I have to say that is not how I felt at the beginning. Thankfully in the group I joined, we were all in the same boat, and the sharing helped us all to learn to laugh at ourselves and not take everything so seriously. We gradually began to change our behaviours as we learned new and healthier ways of relating to other people.

I guess that kind of co-dependent behaviour was what helped me to survive as a child with the least amount of fall out and it must also have been the only way I could get any semblance of what I really needed which was care and attention in order to grow and flourish.

I used to feel so guilty and as if I must be flawed in some way because I wanted someone to care about me and want to actually spend time with me. I thought I was un-natural and actually shameful because I craved companionship, but was also afraid of other people and had no idea of to how to interact socially. I was always clothed and fed and learned very early on that the best thing to do was not to ask for anything from anyone but to do whatever they wanted - so that I could have some kind of feeling that I belonged. Be seen seldom and not heard was kind of the unspoken motto I grew up with.

I never did get that feeling of actually belonging till I ended up in AA in my early thirties and for the first time in my life I was with people who knew what I was talking about. It was like coming home and for me was the beginning of a long journey to both physical and emotional sobriety. I was and am so grateful for finding a Higher Power in the 12 step programme (who doesn't have to be the God I had been brought up with and was terrified of) who actually does care about me and far from punishing me with hellfire and damnation, just wants to love, comfort and help me.

Edited by: -WISPY- at: 6/6/2012 (19:42)
"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


 current weight: 175.0 
 
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MLMEYER98's Photo MLMEYER98 SparkPoints: (53,245)
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6/6/12 9:37 A

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me, too!
Hi, my name is Mary & I'm a Co-dependent.
The great news is that I have learned how to overcome and use it all towards the positive. Now, 20 years after the 25 years of abuse, I am able to use my weaknesses as strengths in my life to help others.
To new beginnings, new adventures & healthy choices... emoticon

Mary


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LAURIE1076's Photo LAURIE1076 Posts: 4,597
6/6/12 9:07 A

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Yes...I am almost every one of those...Ugh!

Laurie

I have not failed until I have given up!

I cannot change where I have been but I can change where I am going.


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-WISPY-'s Photo -WISPY- Posts: 24,053
6/5/12 9:06 P

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Here are 20 Steps to get you thinking - if you are not sure - from Melody Beattie's classic best seller - "Codependent No More"



Care Taking

Codependents may:
1. Think and feel responsible for other people---for other people's feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being, and ultimate destiny.
2. Feel anxiety, pity, and guilt when other people have a problem.
3. Feel compelled --almost forced -- to help that person solve the problem, such as offering unwanted advice, giving a rapid-fire series of suggestions, or fixing feelings.
4. Feel angry when their help isn't effective.
5. Anticipate other people's needs
6. Wonder why others don't do the same for them.
7. Doing more than their fair share of the work, and doing things for others that they are quite capable of doing for themselves.
8. Not knowing what they want and need, or if they do, tell themselves what they want and need is not important.
9. Try to please others instead of themselves.
10. Find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others rather than injustices done to themselves.
11. Feel safest when giving.
12. Feel insecure and guilty when somebody gives to them.
13. Feel sad because they spend their whole lives giving to other people and nobody gives to them.
14. Find themselves attracted to needy people.
15. Find needy people attracted to them.
16. Feel bored, empty, and worthless if they don't have a crisis in their lives, a problem to solve, or someone to help.
17. Abandon their routine to respond to or do something for somebody else.
18. Over commit themselves.
19. Feel harried and pressured.
20. Believe deep inside other people are somehow responsible for them.
21. Blame others for the spot the codependents are in.
22. Say other people make the codependents feel the way they do.
23. Believe other people are making them crazy.
24. Feel angry, victimized, unappreciated, and used.
25. Find other people become impatient or angry with them for all of the preceding characteristics.

If this is you - take heart - it was like a blueprint for the person I was. A light came on for me once I read this book and I began to free myself from my co-dependency.

Jennifer

"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


 current weight: 175.0 
 
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