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GAYEMC's Photo GAYEMC Posts: 20,592
9/12/10 2:51 P

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Hahaha!

~Gaye
BLC 23 and 24 Sunset Stingray
BLC 17thru 21 Rockin Rose Ranger

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SUNSHINE65's Photo SUNSHINE65 Posts: 1,416
9/12/10 1:35 A

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A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning.

Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"

The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"

"Yes granddaughter, it's me."

"It's really, really you, grandmother?" the woman repeats.

"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."

The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"

"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."

The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."

"Anything, my child."

"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"


If the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence it's probably astro turf.
SUNSHINE65's Photo SUNSHINE65 Posts: 1,416
9/12/10 1:34 A

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A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."

The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field." The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land."

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step!!

The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!!"

If the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence it's probably astro turf.
SUNSHINE65's Photo SUNSHINE65 Posts: 1,416
9/12/10 1:34 A

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I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO!"

By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, "NO!"

I was just bursting with pride for them. "Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!!!"

If the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence it's probably astro turf.
SUNSHINE65's Photo SUNSHINE65 Posts: 1,416
9/12/10 1:33 A

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A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer,

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

The driver thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license." The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smart butt when he's drunk and stoned." The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

If the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence it's probably astro turf.
_MAOMAO_ Posts: 5,872
8/20/09 1:27 A

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"If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' and back again in the same day, you live in Oregon."

This is strange? emoticon

I've just lived in Oregon for 9 1/2 years, but I live in King County in Nw Washington for 22 yrs b4 I moved here. Springs in Seattle include hail, snow, rain, overcast and sun all in the same day. So I suppose I'm hopeless!
emoticon

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KTLASERS's Photo KTLASERS SparkPoints: (54,682)
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8/16/09 12:42 A

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SO TRUE! And to the poster who referenced the 75-degree heat wave...YES! I'm an Arizona native, and this BAFFLES me!

~Katie~
Member since 10/1/2007
Every little bit counts
"And I tell you, ask (and keep asking), and it will be given to you; seek (and keep seeking), and you will find; knock (and keep knocking), and it will be opened to you." (Luke 11:9)
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*AMBER512's Photo *AMBER512 SparkPoints: (201,957)
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7/9/09 1:43 P

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oh I know! There are definitely some near where I live that completely don't pay attention to the lights. It has made me nervous on more than one occasion.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There's a Boring in Pennsylvania too? How funny. I lived in Boring, OR when I was in high school!

~Amber~

MUSCLE DOES NOT WEIGH MORE THAN FAT 5 lbs = 5 lbs

5 lbs of muscle simply takes up less space than 5 lbs of fat!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If nothing tasted as good as being thin felt, no one would ever get fat!

FOOD TASTES GOOD
Let us eat it in moderation.


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GAYEMC's Photo GAYEMC Posts: 20,592
7/8/09 7:57 P

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Hahaha Amber!

But this one isn't right any more, it should be you were born in Oregon. There are too many transplants and most ignore the walk signals.

If you stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk" signal, you live in Oregon

~Gaye
BLC 23 and 24 Sunset Stingray
BLC 17thru 21 Rockin Rose Ranger

Spark Portland Team co-leader



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KAYAKID's Photo KAYAKID Posts: 2,997
7/8/09 5:14 P

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Amber, I live in Boring - it is funny because on my buddies who lives in Pennsylvania also lives in boring - How weird is that....

I have one for you - In fact I had it on tee shirt growing up.

People in Oregon don't get suntan they Rust!!!!

......Mike.......
Stand Steady..... and see it through
---- Jade Dragon -----
Co-Leader of Hood to Coast 2010 Team
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Personal Best races
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Marine Drive 5 mile 47:02
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HTC 8/27,28
Best Dam Run 10k 9/25
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MICHELE0792's Photo MICHELE0792 SparkPoints: (0)
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7/8/09 11:37 A

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emoticon These are great.

"So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God." 1 Cor. 10:31


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RANDOM00B's Photo RANDOM00B Posts: 20,641
7/8/09 11:34 A

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"If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' and back again in the same day, you live in Oregon."

YES YES and YES!!!

****************************************
******
"If you think "heatwave" when the temperature hits 75 degrees, you live in western Oregon.

"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit." -- Aristotle

"Sweat are the tears of dying fat." -- Unknown

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*AMBER512's Photo *AMBER512 SparkPoints: (201,957)
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7/8/09 11:13 A

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Let's start this off with one about Oregon!! Then feel free to add your own. =)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~

THIS IS WHAT JEFF FOXWORTHY HAS TO SAY ABOUT 'LIVING IN OREGON!'

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you live in Oregon.

If you've worn shorts, sandals and a parka at the same time, you live in Oregon.

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed the wrong number, you live in Oregon.

If you measure distance in hours, you live in Oregon.

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you live in Oregon.

If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' and back again in the same day, you live in Oregon.

If you install security lights on your house and garage but leave both doors unlocked, you live in Oregon.

If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in Central, Southern or Eastern Oregon.

If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a 2 layers of clothes or under a raincoat, you live in Oregon.

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow and ice, you live in Oregon.

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction, you live in Oregon.

If you feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash, you live in Oregon.

If you know more than 10 ways to order coffee, you live in Oregon.

If you know more people who own boats than air conditioners, you live in Oregon.

If you stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk" signal, you live in Oregon.

If you consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it is not a real mountain, you live in Oregon.

If you can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best, and Dutch Bros, you live in Oregon.

If you know the difference between Chinook, Coho and Sockeye salmon, you live in Oregon.

If you know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Abiqua, Issaquah, Oregon, Umpqua, Yakima and Willamette, you live in Oregon.

If you consider swimming an indoor sport, you live in Oregon.

If you know that Boring is a city and not just a feeling, you live in Oregon.

If you can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai food, you live in Oregon.

If you never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho, you live in Oregon.

If you have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain, you live in Oregon.

If you think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists, you live in Oregon.

If you buy new sunglasses every year, because you cannot find the old ones after such a long time, you live in Oregon.


If you actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your OREGON friends, you live or have lived in Oregon.

Edited by: *AMBER512 at: 7/8/2009 (11:14)
~Amber~

MUSCLE DOES NOT WEIGH MORE THAN FAT 5 lbs = 5 lbs

5 lbs of muscle simply takes up less space than 5 lbs of fat!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If nothing tasted as good as being thin felt, no one would ever get fat!

FOOD TASTES GOOD
Let us eat it in moderation.


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