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GARDENCHRIS's Photo GARDENCHRIS SparkPoints: (200,649)
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3/19/13 6:30 A

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emoticon oh my ! LOL



Nothing changes unless something changes.

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3/19/13 6:21 A
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Glad you liked it. I was in tears, laughing so much.

Spotted this and thought of you guys. Good to have somewhere to share my warped sense of humour. :-)


A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

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GARDENCHRIS's Photo GARDENCHRIS SparkPoints: (200,649)
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3/15/13 8:14 P

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that was funny!



Nothing changes unless something changes.

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BUDDYSMYFRIEND's Photo BUDDYSMYFRIEND SparkPoints: (11,446)
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3/15/13 6:22 P

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Thanks Lexie, this was cute.

If you want to win anything- a race, yourself, your life- you have to go a little berserk.” George Sheehan

"You can't cross a sea by merely standing and staring at the water.” Rabindranath Tagore



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3/15/13 4:51 P
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Hilarious--Mark Lowery at his best.....In case you do not know him - Mark is a Baptist minister with a funny sense of humor. He sang with the Gaithers until he went on his own.

Lowery tells about having a motorcycle wreck ( while not wearing a helmet ) and what happened to him afterwards.

They Cut My Britches Off
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SASSYJAY's Photo SASSYJAY SparkPoints: (41,428)
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3/15/13 3:32 P

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We try.

Mist you, Deb!

~Maggie

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3/15/13 1:47 P

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Dang, it's been a while since I've been on this team, you guys are still as crazy as ever!

Debby


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3/12/13 7:43 P

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OHHHHHH emoticon emoticon emoticon



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ANDY_54's Photo ANDY_54 Posts: 1,103
3/12/13 8:01 A

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Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?

He's all right now.

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3/9/13 9:30 P

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emoticon



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BUDDYSMYFRIEND's Photo BUDDYSMYFRIEND SparkPoints: (11,446)
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3/8/13 10:59 P

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emoticon

If you want to win anything- a race, yourself, your life- you have to go a little berserk.” George Sheehan

"You can't cross a sea by merely standing and staring at the water.” Rabindranath Tagore



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3/8/13 9:05 P

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IF YOU MARRY AN IRISH GIRL

The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Poland. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Ireland. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything...but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees...

~Maggie

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LEXIE63's Photo LEXIE63 SparkPoints: (62,482)
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3/7/13 4:15 P
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ROFLMAO!!! Must get me some of that! *she says rubbing her hands with evil glee*

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Dear TIDE,

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!

About a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.

One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, I gotta go - I have to write to the Hefty bag people.

Edited by: SASSYJAY at: 3/7/2013 (16:06)
~Maggie

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LEXIE63's Photo LEXIE63 SparkPoints: (62,482)
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3/6/13 10:44 A
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ROFLMAO!

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SARAALINE's Photo SARAALINE SparkPoints: (15,515)
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3/5/13 3:09 P

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HAHAHAHAHAHAHA Sassy! Too right!

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3/5/13 1:58 P

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Went to the local organic grocer. Got grilled tofu and roasted chicken for lunch. I came back, and said to my friend, "I'm not sure who would be more offended by this...the carnivores for me adding tofu to perfectly good chicken, or vegetarians for me adding chicken to the healthy tofu." Without missing a step, my friend said, "Honestly, I think the most offended by the whole thing would be the chicken."

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3/5/13 2:46 A

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Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on:

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, or when the job takes longer than you said it would."

"You're all wrong," said the fifth surgeon. "Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine -- and the head and the ass are interchangeable."


~Maggie

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2/24/13 4:22 P

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That'll do it, Buddy!

And now for Today's Management Lesson:


Ed wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office...but she was dating someone else.

One day Ed got so frustrated that he went to her, and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you..."

The girl looked at him, and said, "NO!"

Ed said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend...So she called him and explained the situation.

Her boy friend said, "Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."

She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, "What happened...?"

Still breathing hard, she manages to reply, "The bastard had all dimes!"



Management Lesson: Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it.

~Maggie

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2/23/13 5:01 P

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An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia,he asked to speak to his son.

'Yes, Dad, what is it? '

'Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.'

If you want to win anything- a race, yourself, your life- you have to go a little berserk.” George Sheehan

"You can't cross a sea by merely standing and staring at the water.” Rabindranath Tagore



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2/16/13 8:11 P

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Little Johnny asks his mother her age.
She replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.
Again his mother replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

The boy then asks, "Why did Daddy leave you?"
To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and sends him to his room.

On the way, Johnny trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out.

Johnny runs back into the room. "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and Daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!"

"Be careful who you open up to, only a few care. The rest are just curious."

"Don't worry when you are not recognized, but strive to be worthy of recognition." -Abraham Lincoln


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2/16/13 7:55 P

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After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train."

"Yes, I know it's six thirty and not four thirty, but I had a long meeting."

"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss."

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life."

"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart."


Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly. When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone,
"Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."


Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer


If you want to win anything- a race, yourself, your life- you have to go a little berserk.” George Sheehan

"You can't cross a sea by merely standing and staring at the water.” Rabindranath Tagore



SASSYJAY's Photo SASSYJAY SparkPoints: (41,428)
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1/14/13 3:48 P

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Yeah...too easy, Chris.

IT was just a string...time to move on! emoticon

~Maggie

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1/14/13 3:25 P
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I LOVE Walter! And the rest of the gang. We get Comedy Central here in the UK too. :-)

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SLOPOKE_SAL's Photo SLOPOKE_SAL Posts: 1,379
1/14/13 1:48 P

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My husband swears he and Walter are just alike.


If you want to be happy, desire and pursue happiness more for others than yourself, and your own well-being will take care of itself. Dedicate your weight-loss journey and the achievement of all your goals to someone else and think of them when times get tough.

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1/14/13 7:23 A

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SO now the truth comes out! Sassy and Walter the Puppet! Bet it was easy to pull his strings!! emoticon emoticon emoticon



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1/13/13 8:43 P

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I KNEW I should KNOW him!

Thanks for the memo-ry-minder. emoticon

Agreed...that does sound like him.

~Maggie

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1/13/13 6:25 P

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Walter is that damm puppet! Don't u watch Comedy Central?

If you want to be happy, desire and pursue happiness more for others than yourself, and your own well-being will take care of itself. Dedicate your weight-loss journey and the achievement of all your goals to someone else and think of them when times get tough.

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1/13/13 5:20 P

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No, and she also seems to think I/we know Walter...

he does sound familiar for some reason...

but why?

My forgetter is working overtime these days.

~Maggie

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1/13/13 4:59 P

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Sassy were you in that car?!?!? Sal seems to think so... emoticon



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SLOPOKE_SAL's Photo SLOPOKE_SAL Posts: 1,379
1/13/13 4:57 P

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Sounds like Walter!

If you want to be happy, desire and pursue happiness more for others than yourself, and your own well-being will take care of itself. Dedicate your weight-loss journey and the achievement of all your goals to someone else and think of them when times get tough.

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1/12/13 3:19 P

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Ouch!

~Maggie

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1/12/13 9:01 A

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Speeding ticket

An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.

"Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" the officer said.

The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

"He said you were speeding!" the old man yelled.

The patrolman then asked, "May I see your license?"

The woman turned to her husband again, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled back, "He wants to see your license!"

The woman then gave the officer her license.

"I see you are from Arkansas," the patrolman said. "I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband again and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man replied, "He said he knows you!"

emoticon

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"Don't worry when you are not recognized, but strive to be worthy of recognition." -Abraham Lincoln


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1/12/13 8:15 A

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emoticon emoticon



Nothing changes unless something changes.

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1/12/13 2:08 A

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A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy street. Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk. The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a police officer. He took her to the police station where she placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, the policeman opened the cell door and said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car!"


~Maggie

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1/11/13 9:04 P

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What Sassy said! emoticon



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1/11/13 8:11 P

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Yes, Beni...you can post on ANY of the team threads.

In fact SparkPeople will not let us delete any threads. (Ya know, sometimes you just want to do a little housekeeping.) The theory is that something someone posted two years ago might still be relevant to a different person now. (The exception is when something offensive is reported to SP...if they agree, they will remove the post...so don't any of you wise@sses get any ideas!)

So maybe we should go find some 'dead' threads and see if we can get anyone involved...always new ideas...never enough time...

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1/11/13 5:13 P

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Can I still post here? Okay, anyhow....

A 65 year old woman had a heart attack.
On the operating table, she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked is my time up?
God replied, no, you still have 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.
Upon recovery she decided to stay in the hospital to have a face lift, breast implants, tummy tuck and lipo.
She decided to make the most of it and had her hair colored and teeth whitened.
After her last operation she was released.
As she was crossing the road to go home an ambulance hit and killed her.
Arriving in front of God she demanded, I thought you said I had another 33 years,
why didn't you save me from the path of the ambulance?
God replied, I didn't recognize you.

"Be careful who you open up to, only a few care. The rest are just curious."

"Don't worry when you are not recognized, but strive to be worthy of recognition." -Abraham Lincoln


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A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"

The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?"

"$7.98." said the butcher.

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98.
Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150

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12/17/12 1:29 P

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I'm expecting it will turn out to be as uneventful as Y2K was. Of course after the weekend this country has had, uneventful sounds very promising.

If you want to be happy, desire and pursue happiness more for others than yourself, and your own well-being will take care of itself. Dedicate your weight-loss journey and the achievement of all your goals to someone else and think of them when times get tough.

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12/17/12 10:35 A
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Better get your Christmas shopping finished early!

Just imagine how busy the shops will be between the 22nd and 24th, when all the people who've done nothing towards Christmas realise they were wrong about the end of the world!

Of course, there is this teeny tiny part of me that keeps whispering in my ear, "What if they are right!!!"

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12/16/12 4:18 P

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Ooooh...evil, evil Lexie!

~Maggie

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I think all the power companies around the world should switch off their supplies for a couple of hours on the twenty first, just to freak everyone out!
emoticon



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12/14/12 10:53 P

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"A close friend of mine said his doctor gave him less than two weeks to live. But it turns out his doctor's a Mayan. He says that to everybody." –Jay Leno


~Maggie

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12/14/12 10:26 P

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that was a good one!!! LOLOLOL



Nothing changes unless something changes.

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emoticon That Walmart one is good!

Here's my first contribution:

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

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12/10/12 3:12 P

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Found on Facebook:

Two hours into my first day of work as a Wal-Mart greeter, an ugly woman came in with her two kids. Hearing her swear at them, I said, 'Good morning, welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice kids, are they twins?' The mom answered, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind or stupid?' I replied, 'I'm not blind or stupid. I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.' My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work!


If you want to be happy, desire and pursue happiness more for others than yourself, and your own well-being will take care of itself. Dedicate your weight-loss journey and the achievement of all your goals to someone else and think of them when times get tough.

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12/5/12 7:13 P

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We are trying to reach all of our active team members (if you are reading this that's you!). We are hoping to get several to participate in our team cyber punk of Bruce (The Slowest Loser) who recently wrote about our team resulting in several new members. One of those great new members volunteered to get our goodie gifting thread going again. The first "victim" which we hit on Thanksgiving day said she was cyber-punked, we like the new name!
to participate head over to the goodie gifting thread

www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/team_mes
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geboard_thread.asp?board=1895x4459x4R>7513733


Edited by: SLOPOKE_SAL at: 12/5/2012 (19:22)
If you want to be happy, desire and pursue happiness more for others than yourself, and your own well-being will take care of itself. Dedicate your weight-loss journey and the achievement of all your goals to someone else and think of them when times get tough.

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11/30/12 9:56 P

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Thank goodness for "dads"!

~Maggie

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In a Sunday School class the teacher was discussing the ascent to Heaven. She inquired which body part went first. A young girl said " I think it is the hands because in church you raise your hands when you pray so God takes you by the hands and takes you to Heaven." Very neat. Another child says "head first cuz God owns your heart and mind so he takes you by the head and takes you up to Heaven." Little Johnny speaks up and says "nope yer all wrong. You go feet first." "Feet first?" said the teacher. "What makes you say that?" "Well last night my mom was layin on the bed with her feet in the air yelling OH GOD I'M CUMMING! and if my dad hadn't been there to hold her down, she woulda been gone."

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