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SLOPOKE_SAL
Posts: 945 5/19/13 9:02 P
Oh. Lawd.
If you want to be happy, desire and pursue happiness more for others than yourself, and your own well-being will take care of itself. Dedicate your weight-loss journey and the achievement of all your goals to someone else and think of them when times get tough.
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. Edna pulls out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking. Rosie “What's that?” Edna “It’s a condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.” Rosie “Where did you get it?” Edna “You can get them at any drugstore.” The next day... Rosie hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers. Rosie “It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.”
Courage is knowing you’ll try again tomorrow.
NKING1982
SparkPoints: (10,288)
Fitness Minutes: (2,062) Posts: 367 5/13/13 2:11 P
EHLIFESSHORT
Posts: 457 5/13/13 1:51 P
How can you spot a blind man in a nudist camp? It ain’t hard!
Courage is knowing you’ll try again tomorrow.
EHLIFESSHORT
Posts: 457 5/13/13 1:41 P
How can you spot a blind man in a nudist camp? It ain’t hard!
Courage is knowing you’ll try again tomorrow.
GARDENCHRIS
SparkPoints: (126,097)
Fitness Minutes: (55,259) Posts: 7,180 5/10/13 8:20 P
Women are angels and when someone breaks our wings we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible like that. :-)
current weight: 175.0
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SLOPOKE_SAL
Posts: 945 5/6/13 12:54 P
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money." Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump." The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again." Bob took the money...
If you want to be happy, desire and pursue happiness more for others than yourself, and your own well-being will take care of itself. Dedicate your weight-loss journey and the achievement of all your goals to someone else and think of them when times get tough.
SparkPoints: (10,288)
Fitness Minutes: (2,062) Posts: 367 5/6/13 10:40 A
Those are great!
SLOPOKE_SAL
Posts: 945 5/4/13 9:18 P
Good one
If you want to be happy, desire and pursue happiness more for others than yourself, and your own well-being will take care of itself. Dedicate your weight-loss journey and the achievement of all your goals to someone else and think of them when times get tough.
Marriage Anyone who says their wedding days was the best day of their life, has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.
Courage is knowing you’ll try again tomorrow.
BUDDYSMYFRIEND
SparkPoints: (9,980)
Fitness Minutes: (6,731) Posts: 767 5/4/13 5:16 P
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators ...
If you want to win anything- a race, yourself, your life- you have to go a little berserk.” George Sheehan
"You can't cross a sea by merely standing and staring at the water.” Rabindranath Tagore
117 Days until: Picnic at "the Bridge"
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EHLIFESSHORT
Posts: 457 5/2/13 12:36 P
A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he's 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him. The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her. He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face." The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report. She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"
Courage is knowing you’ll try again tomorrow.
NKING1982
SparkPoints: (10,288)
Fitness Minutes: (2,062) Posts: 367 5/1/13 9:28 A
Hahahahaha
GARDENCHRIS
SparkPoints: (126,097)
Fitness Minutes: (55,259) Posts: 7,180 4/29/13 8:44 P
Women are angels and when someone breaks our wings we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible like that. :-)
current weight: 175.0
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EHLIFESSHORT
Posts: 457 4/29/13 3:09 P
A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a really big lighter. He asks the man, “Where did you get such a big lighter?”
The man replies, “See that man playing piano over there? He’s a genie and he’ll grant you one wish.”
So the guy walks over to the genie and says, “I wish for a million bucks.” All of a sudden the room fills up with a million ducks.
The man walks over to the guy with the lighter and says, “That genie is a little hard of hearing isn’t he.”
The guy replies, “No kidding! You think I asked for a 14 inch Bic!”
Courage is knowing you’ll try again tomorrow.
BUDDYSMYFRIEND
SparkPoints: (9,980)
Fitness Minutes: (6,731) Posts: 767 4/26/13 3:45 P
If you want to win anything- a race, yourself, your life- you have to go a little berserk.” George Sheehan
"You can't cross a sea by merely standing and staring at the water.” Rabindranath Tagore
117 Days until: Picnic at "the Bridge"
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EHLIFESSHORT
Posts: 457 4/26/13 3:08 P
TELL THE TRUTH
Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.
The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie....Hell is waiting for you.
To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife." The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.
To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.
To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Volkswagen for your transportation.
A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. "Why are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the mansion and limo!" The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a Skateboard!"
Courage is knowing you’ll try again tomorrow.
SELENAPEPPERS
SparkPoints: (8,759)
Fitness Minutes: (2,005) Posts: 1,238 4/24/13 6:40 P
GARDENCHRIS
SparkPoints: (126,097)
Fitness Minutes: (55,259) Posts: 7,180 4/24/13 5:00 P
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?"
"I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
Courage is knowing you’ll try again tomorrow.
GARDENCHRIS
SparkPoints: (126,097)
Fitness Minutes: (55,259) Posts: 7,180 4/21/13 6:45 P
If you want to be happy, desire and pursue happiness more for others than yourself, and your own well-being will take care of itself. Dedicate your weight-loss journey and the achievement of all your goals to someone else and think of them when times get tough.
Women are angels and when someone breaks our wings we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible like that. :-)
current weight: 175.0
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BUDDYSMYFRIEND
SparkPoints: (9,980)
Fitness Minutes: (6,731) Posts: 767 4/20/13 6:48 P
A pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.
Now, asking children questions in front of a congregation can be very dangerous.
Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand........
The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."
It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to continue.
If you want to win anything- a race, yourself, your life- you have to go a little berserk.” George Sheehan
"You can't cross a sea by merely standing and staring at the water.” Rabindranath Tagore
117 Days until: Picnic at "the Bridge"
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GARDENCHRIS
SparkPoints: (126,097)
Fitness Minutes: (55,259) Posts: 7,180 3/21/13 6:42 P
SparkPoints: (11,345)
Fitness Minutes: (16,091) Posts: 94 3/21/13 2:10 P
NERD JOKE ALERT! NERD JOKE ALERT!
Higgs Boson Particle was sitting in church waiting for service to start. The minister went up to the Higgs Boson Particle and said "You can't be here! You call yourself The God Particle! That's blasphemous! Get out!"
The Higgs Boson Particle looked up and answered "without the Higgs Boson Particle, how can you have mass?"
LEXIE63
SparkPoints: (37,555)
Fitness Minutes: (36,691) Posts: 5,985 3/20/13 4:40 P
SparkPoints: (37,555)
Fitness Minutes: (36,691) Posts: 5,985 3/20/13 3:14 P
I Won The Lottery!
A man gets home, screeches his car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of his lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the darn lottery!"
The wife says, "Oh my! No really?! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
The husband yells back, "It doesn't matter. Just get the heck out!"
SparkPoints: (37,555)
Fitness Minutes: (36,691) Posts: 5,985 3/19/13 6:21 A
Glad you liked it. I was in tears, laughing so much.
Spotted this and thought of you guys. Good to have somewhere to share my warped sense of humour. :-)
A Really Bad Day There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
SparkPoints: (9,980)
Fitness Minutes: (6,731) Posts: 767 3/15/13 6:22 P
Thanks Lexie, this was cute.
If you want to win anything- a race, yourself, your life- you have to go a little berserk.” George Sheehan
"You can't cross a sea by merely standing and staring at the water.” Rabindranath Tagore
117 Days until: Picnic at "the Bridge"
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112
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LEXIE63
SparkPoints: (37,555)
Fitness Minutes: (36,691) Posts: 5,985 3/15/13 4:51 P
Hilarious--Mark Lowery at his best.....In case you do not know him - Mark is a Baptist minister with a funny sense of humor. He sang with the Gaithers until he went on his own.
Lowery tells about having a motorcycle wreck ( while not wearing a helmet ) and what happened to him afterwards.
SparkPoints: (9,980)
Fitness Minutes: (6,731) Posts: 767 3/8/13 10:59 P
If you want to win anything- a race, yourself, your life- you have to go a little berserk.” George Sheehan
"You can't cross a sea by merely standing and staring at the water.” Rabindranath Tagore
117 Days until: Picnic at "the Bridge"
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112
75
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SASSYJAY
SparkPoints: (33,751)
Fitness Minutes: (22,638) Posts: 5,526 3/8/13 9:05 P
IF YOU MARRY AN IRISH GIRL
The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Poland. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Ireland. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything...but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees...
Women are angels and when someone breaks our wings we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible like that. :-)
current weight: 175.0
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SASSYJAY
SparkPoints: (33,751)
Fitness Minutes: (22,638) Posts: 5,526 3/7/13 4:05 P
Dear TIDE,
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!
About a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, I gotta go - I have to write to the Hefty bag people.
Women are angels and when someone breaks our wings we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible like that. :-)
current weight: 175.0
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SARAALINE
SparkPoints: (11,345)
Fitness Minutes: (16,091) Posts: 94 3/5/13 3:09 P
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA Sassy! Too right!
NIGHTWINGS
SparkPoints: (15,568)
Fitness Minutes: (17,648) Posts: 194 3/5/13 1:58 P
Went to the local organic grocer. Got grilled tofu and roasted chicken for lunch. I came back, and said to my friend, "I'm not sure who would be more offended by this...the carnivores for me adding tofu to perfectly good chicken, or vegetarians for me adding chicken to the healthy tofu." Without missing a step, my friend said, "Honestly, I think the most offended by the whole thing would be the chicken."
SASSYJAY
SparkPoints: (33,751)
Fitness Minutes: (22,638) Posts: 5,526 3/5/13 2:46 A
Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on:
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, or when the job takes longer than you said it would."
"You're all wrong," said the fifth surgeon. "Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine -- and the head and the ass are interchangeable."
SparkPoints: (33,751)
Fitness Minutes: (22,638) Posts: 5,526 2/24/13 4:22 P
That'll do it, Buddy!
And now for Today's Management Lesson:
Ed wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office...but she was dating someone else.
One day Ed got so frustrated that he went to her, and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you..."
The girl looked at him, and said, "NO!"
Ed said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend...So she called him and explained the situation.
Her boy friend said, "Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."
She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, "What happened...?"
Still breathing hard, she manages to reply, "The bastard had all dimes!"
Management Lesson: Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it.
SparkPoints: (9,980)
Fitness Minutes: (6,731) Posts: 767 2/23/13 5:01 P
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,he asked to speak to his son.
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.'
If you want to win anything- a race, yourself, your life- you have to go a little berserk.” George Sheehan
"You can't cross a sea by merely standing and staring at the water.” Rabindranath Tagore
117 Days until: Picnic at "the Bridge"
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-BENI-
Posts: 2,474 2/16/13 8:11 P
Little Johnny asks his mother her age. She replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."
Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs. Again his mother replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."
The boy then asks, "Why did Daddy leave you?" To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and sends him to his room.
On the way, Johnny trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out.
Johnny runs back into the room. "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and Daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!"
"Be careful who you open up to, only a few care. The rest are just curious."
"Don't worry when you are not recognized, but strive to be worthy of recognition." -Abraham Lincoln
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BUDDYSMYFRIEND
SparkPoints: (9,980)
Fitness Minutes: (6,731) Posts: 767 2/16/13 7:55 P
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train."
"Yes, I know it's six thirty and not four thirty, but I had a long meeting."
"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss."
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life."
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart."
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly. When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer
If you want to win anything- a race, yourself, your life- you have to go a little berserk.” George Sheehan
"You can't cross a sea by merely standing and staring at the water.” Rabindranath Tagore
117 Days until: Picnic at "the Bridge"
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112
75
37
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SASSYJAY
SparkPoints: (33,751)
Fitness Minutes: (22,638) Posts: 5,526 1/14/13 3:48 P
Women are angels and when someone breaks our wings we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible like that. :-)
current weight: 175.0
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SLOPOKE_SAL
Posts: 945 1/14/13 1:48 P
My husband swears he and Walter are just alike.
If you want to be happy, desire and pursue happiness more for others than yourself, and your own well-being will take care of itself. Dedicate your weight-loss journey and the achievement of all your goals to someone else and think of them when times get tough.
Walter is that damm puppet! Don't u watch Comedy Central?
If you want to be happy, desire and pursue happiness more for others than yourself, and your own well-being will take care of itself. Dedicate your weight-loss journey and the achievement of all your goals to someone else and think of them when times get tough.
If you want to be happy, desire and pursue happiness more for others than yourself, and your own well-being will take care of itself. Dedicate your weight-loss journey and the achievement of all your goals to someone else and think of them when times get tough.
SparkPoints: (33,751)
Fitness Minutes: (22,638) Posts: 5,526 1/12/13 2:08 A
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy street. Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk. The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a police officer. He took her to the police station where she placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, the policeman opened the cell door and said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car!"
SparkPoints: (33,751)
Fitness Minutes: (22,638) Posts: 5,526 1/11/13 8:11 P
Yes, Beni...you can post on ANY of the team threads.
In fact SparkPeople will not let us delete any threads. (Ya know, sometimes you just want to do a little housekeeping.) The theory is that something someone posted two years ago might still be relevant to a different person now. (The exception is when something offensive is reported to SP...if they agree, they will remove the post...so don't any of you wise@sses get any ideas!)
So maybe we should go find some 'dead' threads and see if we can get anyone involved...always new ideas...never enough time...
A 65 year old woman had a heart attack. On the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked is my time up? God replied, no, you still have 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live. Upon recovery she decided to stay in the hospital to have a face lift, breast implants, tummy tuck and lipo. She decided to make the most of it and had her hair colored and teeth whitened. After her last operation she was released. As she was crossing the road to go home an ambulance hit and killed her. Arriving in front of God she demanded, I thought you said I had another 33 years, why didn't you save me from the path of the ambulance? God replied, I didn't recognize you.
"Be careful who you open up to, only a few care. The rest are just curious."
"Don't worry when you are not recognized, but strive to be worthy of recognition." -Abraham Lincoln
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LEXIE63
SparkPoints: (37,555)
Fitness Minutes: (36,691) Posts: 5,985 12/17/12 4:14 P
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"
The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?"
"$7.98." said the butcher.
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150
Women are angels and when someone breaks our wings we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible like that. :-)
current weight: 175.0
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SLOPOKE_SAL
Posts: 945 12/17/12 1:29 P
I'm expecting it will turn out to be as uneventful as Y2K was. Of course after the weekend this country has had, uneventful sounds very promising.
If you want to be happy, desire and pursue happiness more for others than yourself, and your own well-being will take care of itself. Dedicate your weight-loss journey and the achievement of all your goals to someone else and think of them when times get tough.
SparkPoints: (37,555)
Fitness Minutes: (36,691) Posts: 5,985 12/17/12 10:35 A
Better get your Christmas shopping finished early!
Just imagine how busy the shops will be between the 22nd and 24th, when all the people who've done nothing towards Christmas realise they were wrong about the end of the world!
Of course, there is this teeny tiny part of me that keeps whispering in my ear, "What if they are right!!!"
SparkPoints: (37,555)
Fitness Minutes: (36,691) Posts: 5,985 12/16/12 7:10 A
I think all the power companies around the world should switch off their supplies for a couple of hours on the twenty first, just to freak everyone out!
Women are angels and when someone breaks our wings we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible like that. :-)
current weight: 175.0
203
194.25
185.5
176.75
168
SASSYJAY
SparkPoints: (33,751)
Fitness Minutes: (22,638) Posts: 5,526 12/14/12 10:53 P
"A close friend of mine said his doctor gave him less than two weeks to live. But it turns out his doctor's a Mayan. He says that to everybody." –Jay Leno
SparkPoints: (37,555)
Fitness Minutes: (36,691) Posts: 5,985 12/14/12 5:20 P
That Walmart one is good!
Here's my first contribution:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Women are angels and when someone breaks our wings we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible like that. :-)
current weight: 175.0
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SLOPOKE_SAL
Posts: 945 12/10/12 3:12 P
Found on Facebook:
Two hours into my first day of work as a Wal-Mart greeter, an ugly woman came in with her two kids. Hearing her swear at them, I said, 'Good morning, welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice kids, are they twins?' The mom answered, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind or stupid?' I replied, 'I'm not blind or stupid. I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.' My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work!
If you want to be happy, desire and pursue happiness more for others than yourself, and your own well-being will take care of itself. Dedicate your weight-loss journey and the achievement of all your goals to someone else and think of them when times get tough.
We are trying to reach all of our active team members (if you are reading this that's you!). We are hoping to get several to participate in our team cyber punk of Bruce (The Slowest Loser) who recently wrote about our team resulting in several new members. One of those great new members volunteered to get our goodie gifting thread going again. The first "victim" which we hit on Thanksgiving day said she was cyber-punked, we like the new name! to participate head over to the goodie gifting thread
If you want to be happy, desire and pursue happiness more for others than yourself, and your own well-being will take care of itself. Dedicate your weight-loss journey and the achievement of all your goals to someone else and think of them when times get tough.
SparkPoints: (3,122)
Fitness Minutes: (1,755) Posts: 87 11/30/12 9:01 P
In a Sunday School class the teacher was discussing the ascent to Heaven. She inquired which body part went first. A young girl said " I think it is the hands because in church you raise your hands when you pray so God takes you by the hands and takes you to Heaven." Very neat. Another child says "head first cuz God owns your heart and mind so he takes you by the head and takes you up to Heaven." Little Johnny speaks up and says "nope yer all wrong. You go feet first." "Feet first?" said the teacher. "What makes you say that?" "Well last night my mom was layin on the bed with her feet in the air yelling OH GOD I'M CUMMING! and if my dad hadn't been there to hold her down, she woulda been gone."
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