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LEXIE63's Photo LEXIE63 SparkPoints: (66,097)
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9/30/14 12:26 P

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I've seen this before, but had forgotten the punchline. LOL
It is a real goodie.
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9/30/14 10:23 A
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All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died. The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest." The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you." "I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest....."

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LEXIE63's Photo LEXIE63 SparkPoints: (66,097)
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5/26/14 2:33 P

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Aah, and that, therefore, means I'm not going to have much fun in my old age. I don't have enough stuff to make a will worthwhile.
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5/26/14 2:26 P

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Good one, Lex.

I'm gonna piggyback on the refound popularity of this board to post:

I know you have been laying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs", "Huggies," and "Pampers', while undergarments for old people are called "Depends."

Well here is the low down on the whole thing...

When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em, Hug'em and Pamper' em.

When old people crap in their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will!

Glad I got that straightened out so you can rest your mind.


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5/26/14 8:48 A

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Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a quay and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its really ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

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DEBBYFROMMT's Photo DEBBYFROMMT SparkPoints: (153,075)
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5/25/14 10:42 A

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Good one!

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LEXIE63's Photo LEXIE63 SparkPoints: (66,097)
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5/25/14 4:59 A

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LOL

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5/25/14 4:51 A

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A Taxi Driver and a Priest Die…
The priest waits for a long time and finally goes to St. Peter and asks: "Why could that taxi driver go to the highest level of heaven and I, who all my life spoke about God, have to wait for such a long time?"

St. Peter replies: "When you were speaking to the people at your church, everybody was sleeping. But when that taxi driver was driving, everybody prayed!"

The most over-used antidepressant is food. The most under used antidepressant is exercise.

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52BINCE's Photo 52BINCE SparkPoints: (21,936)
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2/9/14 10:59 A

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lol lmao ha ha ha !!!!!! my take on drunks is dealing with them is like no where near as difficult as dealing with a teen....

The obstacle course of life will never stop those who persevere.


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1/30/14 12:45 P

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OMG Maggie, I just read all the emails from the light! So so funny! And then he didn't even get the country right!

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1/30/14 12:38 P

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ROFL!!!! He must have been from Montana!

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1/24/14 11:49 P

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A man was driving with his when from behind, the police officer lit up his lights. The man, realizing he was not buckled up pulled his belt around and clicked it into place. WHen he opened his window the officer told him that he had stopped him for a seatbelt violation, "Which is now a primary offense in this state."

"But you are wrong. See? My belt is fastened."
"Sir, I saw you pull it over after I signaled yo yo pull over."
"You're wrong," the man lied, "I was buckled the whole time!"
"Sir," the officer tried again but this time the wife interrupted.
"Officer, just give it up. You can't argue with him when he's been drinking."


Start by doing what is necessary, then do what is possible and suddenly you will be doing the impossible. -- St Francis of Assisi
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1/24/14 4:54 P

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Was watching an episode of Are You Being Served, and this limerick was quoted:

On the chest of a barmaid from Saille,
Was tattooed all the prices of ale
Whilst on her behind
for the sake of the blind
Was precisely the same, but in braille

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1/24/14 3:14 P

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We SHARE in this family...dammit!


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1/24/14 12:57 P

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Your welcome 4 the FB addiction Sass. Thank you for the SP addiction!

If you want to be happy, desire and pursue happiness more for others than yourself, and your own well-being will take care of itself. Dedicate your weight-loss journey and the achievement of all your goals to someone else and think of them when times get tough.

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1/24/14 5:28 A

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Yeah, think Morecombe and Wise, for an example of why that works so well. They never ceased to have me in fits of laughter. :-)

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1/24/14 5:03 A

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Yep...that's my other online addiction...FB

I think it made me laugh so hard because the other guy has zero sense of humor.


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1/24/14 4:27 A

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Are you on facebook? I saw this there a couple of days ago and about wet my pants. emoticon

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1/24/14 3:52 A

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Not exactly a joke, but I couldn't figure out where else to post this. "Dispute over the placement of a floodlight..."

You'll need a few minutes to read it all, but I love this guy. Wonder if he needs to "learn a new healthy lifestyle" (cause I can't ask if he's fat). If so, he needs to join Sparks and our team!

www.quickmeme.com/p/3vrw3r

I was laugh-crying on the Tuesday 8 May postings.
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Edited by: SASSYJAY at: 1/24/2014 (03:55)
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1/24/14 1:04 A

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Oh my.

Start by doing what is necessary, then do what is possible and suddenly you will be doing the impossible. -- St Francis of Assisi
LEXIE63's Photo LEXIE63 SparkPoints: (66,097)
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1/23/14 4:13 A

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LOLOL
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What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life,
Or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend,
My wife and I, listened to the instructor declare,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know the
Things that are important to each other.."
He then addressed the men,
'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'
I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently,
And whispered,
'Self-raising, isn't it?'

And thus began my life of celibacy

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1/23/14 2:56 A

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The Quickie:

A man is walking home one night when he spots a woman in the shadows.

"Quick fun just $20" she whispers seductively as he gets to her.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell? It's been awhile, he's running early, and it's only $20.

So he steps into the bushes with her and very soon, they're going at it.

Suddenly a light flashes on them -- it's a cop.

"What's going on here?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," said the man, "neither did I, until you shined that light in her face."

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KITRONA's Photo KITRONA Posts: 122
1/17/14 3:10 P

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That last one seems to be describing the weather around here!! (Middle of the Polar Vortex or whatever it is they're calling it.)

"You are imperfect, permanently and inevitably flawed. And you are beautiful." - Amy Bloom


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1/6/14 9:45 A

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LOL. I can sympathise.

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SMITTY4RL's Photo SMITTY4RL Posts: 1,837
1/6/14 9:20 A

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It’s So Cold:
--We had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!
--Hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
--Roosters were rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
--When I dialed 911, a recorded message said to phone back in the spring!
--The optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses!
--Pickpockets were sticking their hands in strangers' pockets just to keep them warm!
--Grandpa’s teeth were chattering - in the glass!
--The dogs were wearing cats!


~Smitty (Ann), EST

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12/29/13 7:52 A

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A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

~Smitty (Ann), EST

“Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.” -Groucho Marx


BELSNICKEL's Photo BELSNICKEL Posts: 2,731
12/23/13 4:13 P

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If Santa were a woman, Christmas would have to wait for her hair. She never go up and down a chimney full of soot. And she would bring the cookies. Come to think of it, no wonder he's fat. Life is hard when you such cute little pushers. I know this is true, I used to bring hard candy and nuts, along with my switch for the naughty ladies.. oops I mean children. MERRY CHristmas to all.

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SAMMIESMOM13's Photo SAMMIESMOM13 Posts: 5,464
12/18/13 10:19 A

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Q: What happens when you step on an orange?

A: You hurt its peelings


Carol
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If one is to save oneself, one must take a step, and then another... C. S. Lewis



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12/17/13 10:17 A

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I found it on a joke website, and I have no claim over it, and as it appears to be anonymous, what the heck. Go for it. Spread a little Christmas cheer. LOL

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12/17/13 10:06 A

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LOVE this. Since it's not "yours" (anonymous) :) I'm going to "borrow" it. Hope that's ok (if it isn't, too bad. I'm doing it anyway. This IS the Sarcastics you know) LOL

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12/17/13 8:21 A

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emoticon Smitty.

I thought I'd expand on the whole 'Santa can't be a man' theme I started earlier...


I THINK SANTA CLAUS IS A WOMAN

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they -- with amazing calm -- call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

Men can't pack a bag.
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves.
Men don't answer their mail.
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men...

Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy.

Cupid flies around carrying weapons.

Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.

Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.

I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!

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12/17/13 7:39 A

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Why don't you ever see Santa in the hospital?

Because he has private elf care!

~Smitty (Ann), EST

“Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.” -Groucho Marx


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12/7/13 1:30 P

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Lexie: LOLOLOL. MUCH cleaner than the ones I had in mind. Note to self: get mind out of gutter. emoticon

~Smitty (Ann), EST

“Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.” -Groucho Marx


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12/6/13 12:15 P

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OK, the mind boggles at the possibilities that can't be posted here. LOL

But this is the 'clean option'.
emoticon
How do you know Santa Claus has to be a man?

No woman is going to wear the same outfit year after year!

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12/6/13 12:05 P

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Okay, Lexie--what's the answer here? I can think of a couple, but maybe not so printable ones, LOL.

~Smitty (Ann), EST

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12/4/13 1:10 P

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emoticon Oooh, that was bad. *grin*

So, in the spirit of Q&A jokes, here's a seasonal offering:
emoticon
How do you know Santa Claus has to be a man?

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12/4/13 12:29 P

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Nope.

OK, the answer is "You throw in a horny toad!" emoticon

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12/4/13 12:26 P

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If you were one of my brothers, you would chase your little sister around with them...guessing that is not the answer you were looking for though.
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12/4/13 9:43 A

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OK, so to get off the subject of Carol's socks...

What do you do with a tub full of hot frogs?

Carol
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12/4/13 9:42 A

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Well, this is the first I've seen of this post, never knew it was here. I see you've been hiding it from me so you could talk about me behind my back!

First talking about blondes, then my socks. And BTW, they were NOT my socks. Hahaha!

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12/4/13 7:23 A

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Oh, what a groaner. LOL
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12/4/13 7:11 A

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Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a bell, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

Answer... "They're Carol's."


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11/25/13 10:05 A

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It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself alone. The next day, her mother called to see how everything went.

"Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey!" said the daughter.

"Did it not taste good?" her mother asked.

"I don't know," the blonde said. "It wouldn't sit still!"


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11/16/13 1:16 P

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I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn’t have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.

So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.
I was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” I didn’t respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal .. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, “Mommy, where’s my washcloth?”

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.”

Never going back to that doctor again……….. never.

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11/10/13 11:54 A

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This is a true account as recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida:
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition; for the same reason, she did not understand why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat!
She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why...A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale teenagers were reporting a car-jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.

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11/8/13 6:34 A

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Amen, brother. LOL

~Smitty (Ann), EST

“Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.” -Groucho Marx


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11/7/13 3:13 P

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The young pastor and his wife were expecting their first child. A meeting was held. The congregation agreed, as the pastor family expanded so would his salary. All went well.

After the sixth was born another meeting was held. Many in the congregation were quite distressed about the money the children were costing. This lead to quite an agreement.

Finally the pastor got up and spoke"children are a gift, and I will accept the gifts God gives me.

A hush feel over the congregation. Nobody spoke for several minutes

Finally an elderly lady in back row, struggled to her feet to speak. "Rain is also a gift from God.
And when we get too much. We wear rubbers."

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11/7/13 8:08 A

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LOL! I may have to use this later today at work, emoticon

~Smitty (Ann), EST

“Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.” -Groucho Marx


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11/7/13 3:30 A

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LOLOL. I know a similar one about a parrot on a cruise ship...


A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, It’s not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said....



"OK, I give up. Where's the ******* ship?"

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11/6/13 7:54 P

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A man buys a parrot, only to have it constantly insult him. He tries everything to make the parrot stop, but nothing works. Frustrated, the man puts the parrot in the freezer. After a few minutes the insults stop. The man thinks he might have killed the parrot, so he opens the freezer and takes the parrot out. The parrot is shivering. It stammers, “S-s-sorry for being r-r-rude. Please f-f-forgive me.” Then, after a moment, the parrot softly asks, “W-w-what exactly d-d-did the turkey do?”

~Smitty (Ann), EST

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10/31/13 8:25 A

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LOL--I saw this one, too. Love it! emoticon

~Smitty (Ann), EST

“Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.” -Groucho Marx


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10/31/13 7:37 A

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LOL. I like those. emoticon

Two Nuns and a Mini Dracula
Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes, "What should we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Mary Vincent.
Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water before we left the Vatican," replies Sister Mary Vincent.
Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary Agnes.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Mary Vincent.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Mary Agnes. She then opens the window and shouts, "Get the h*** off our car!"

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10/31/13 7:28 A

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10 Signs You're Too Old for Halloween

You get winded from knocking on the door

You have to have someone chew the candy for you

You ask for high fiber candy only.

When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.

When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and you can't remember the rest.

By the end of the night you have a bag full of restraining orders.

You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hair piece.

You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.


~Smitty (Ann), EST

“Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.” -Groucho Marx


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10/30/13 8:10 A

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emoticon Too funny! Thanks for the laugh out loud this morning!

~Smitty (Ann), EST

“Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.” -Groucho Marx


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10/30/13 7:53 A

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Cute! How about this one...

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.  Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.  He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.  "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.  Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.  Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.  "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.  "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.  "Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"

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10/30/13 7:50 A

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Not mine, from the kid next door:

Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoulfriend!

~Smitty (Ann), EST

“Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.” -Groucho Marx


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10/29/13 12:29 P

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emoticon emoticon

~Smitty (Ann), EST

“Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.” -Groucho Marx


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10/29/13 9:30 A

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What a groaner! emoticon Okay, let's have a Halloween Howler Week! Old gags, bad gags and tall stories for Halloween...

Here's one...

Two monsters went to a party. Suddenly one said to the other, “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?”
“Be a gentleman and roll them back to her.”

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10/29/13 7:31 A

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Here's one that's so old it has hair:

Why can't ghosts have babies?

Because they have 'Hollow-weenies'. emoticon

~Smitty (Ann), EST

“Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.” -Groucho Marx


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9/24/13 11:15 A

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Haha, that's cute!

We are our own worst critics, our biggest enemies. Let's show ourselves that we can do anything, even when we are at our lowest point.

~Steph :)


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