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8/31/11 5:25 P

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well, if you want a change in direction, what about inviting Mrs "Malaprop" into the conversation.....I once worked with the "Malapropism Queen" who was an absolute source of delight. For instance.....her doomed first wedding: "we were having a fight and when we went to cut the wedding cake he squeezed my hand really hard as we held the knife. We had to smile at everyone and it was hurting. But I fixed him........our marriage wasn't consumed for a week!" and another, as she finished work half an hour early that day......"I have to take my car into the garage - the left inkalator has stopped blinking!" The best part for me was this dear lady's delivery: always with such a sincere look on her face and clueless as to what she was saying. Priceless! emoticon

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8/12/11 7:37 A

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well I get the change in direction...... what? still enjoy the twisted part! emoticon



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8/11/11 9:53 P

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Twisted?

I'll plead the Fifth, or drink it.

Look past my post to locate the root cause of my spinning mind, mein dame n.

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8/11/11 9:08 P

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are you taking a spinning class? or did you just eat to much spinach?! sometimes I think your posts are somewhat twisted! emoticon



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8/11/11 9:04 P

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Spinning!

My head is spinning. Some remnant of that smoke in the computer must have hidden in mine.

It will probably take me three days to recover. It usually does when it takes such a twisted beating.

Funny thing - I'm not really hungry.

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8/9/11 11:30 P

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my company's website give info about a system, when he installed it it said the dame thing, and then i gave the him the same info. He told me "i didn;t know what i was talking about" I f he knew the anser why did he bother checking a disk, the website and at least 2 of my coworker.
he was such a jerk.

Don't forget to be awesome.


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8/8/11 7:20 A

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wouldn't you love to see his face when he picks it up and they tell him what to do with it!! emoticon



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8/8/11 12:20 A

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First thing tomorrow!

"A government big enough to give everything you want is also big enough to take everything you have."
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8/6/11 7:45 A

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Oh my, that had me laughing out loud!

maybe you can call the computer people back and tell them to buy a small bag of pretzels to tape to the key board when he picks it up!



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8/6/11 12:02 A

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I have to share this one.

Today my DW and I took our laptop in to find out what the mysterious message was that popped up really meant. It said "You don't have access to X304. See your System Administrator". Well, I am the System Administrator and it wouldn't let me access anything, either.

We were discussing this with the computer geek who was helping us, and a guy came in behind us, carrying His laptop. When the clerk asked him what was wrong, he said:

"Well, last night I was sucking a little bong and I thought it would be cool to blow some smoke into the keyboard. Like, it wasn't even two minutes before it quit working. What I'm going to do, dude?"

Absolutely none of my business, but it shot out of my mouth before I could stop it "Man, have you tried Pretzels?"

"Pretzels, what do pretzels have to do with my computer?"

"That one blow probably gave it a case of the munchies. Maybe you should try nachos or peanut butter".

"Well ....., Dude ..... that's too radical. I think I'll just leave it here for these, like ....., computer dudes to fix". And he turned and walked out the door.

The door had just closed completely when the two clerks and my wife started howling. They were bent over and pounding on the display case.

"How did you .....?" I think I'm going to pee." "I am starting a book today! That has got to be the quickest and funniest comeback I've ever seen - I wish I could have thought of it".

I suggested he title the book, "People on the Other Side of the Counter".

I thought it was just a Sarcasticator being in the right place at the right time. I don't think the bong sucking dude will ever get it. Too many brain cells have been fried in cannibas oil.

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HAILEYSMEMAW's Photo HAILEYSMEMAW Posts: 3,511
8/5/11 8:32 A

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ok, I stand corrected

spit is better than sh*t


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8/5/11 7:49 A

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spit is more insulting.... means you aimed at the spitee!



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8/5/11 12:06 A

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Well, I said and I meant spit. Spit you can direct.

Shyt has, so far, proven beyond my ability to aim and get within a reasonably effective probability of error.

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HAILEYSMEMAW's Photo HAILEYSMEMAW Posts: 3,511
8/3/11 6:10 P

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I am so glad POPEYETHETURTLE said spit and not sh*t
for its smells bad enough around here.Hot enough too !!

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8/3/11 7:51 A

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emoticon

Oh man I laughed so hard! Especially like the following:

"Occasionally, they come back and have worked in an environment where their associates are so dumb, our former team mate has been forced to use her rapier wit and knife-like tongue just to stay sane."

I work at this same place!!!!!! These people are so clueless.... on both sides of the counter! I crack myself up just to stay sane!



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8/2/11 10:49 P

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Not a chance.

What has happened is they've been gone so long the have not been doing their biting tongue exercises regularly. Also, venom needs to be continually primed or the well goes dry.

The lack of a biting tongue and empty venom pits means they can't stand on their own.

Our tongues retain their acidity (see "acerbic wit"), and our words drop across the monitor and leave a visible acidic poison.

Basically, they are no longer armed and should go back to Basic Sarcasticator Training.

Occasionally, they come back and have worked in an environment where their associates are so dumb, our former team mate has been forced to use her rapier wit and knife-like tongue just to stay sane.

I so like those words: acerbic, rapier, acidic, poison, knife-like, venom pits. It reminds me of the last time I dined on rattlesnake nuggets with a spicy, jalapeno sauce. Delicious! I could spit fire for two days afterwards.

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8/2/11 6:49 P

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emoticon emoticon

Maybe I scared them by shouting a NEWBIE!!! emoticon



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HAILEYSMEMAW's Photo HAILEYSMEMAW Posts: 3,511
8/2/11 4:03 P

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why is it
when we invite a newbie back they seem to not show up
again for a long time.you dont think its us do you?

( us as in you & me)

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8/1/11 10:33 P

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WOW another newbie....... they are crawling out of the woodwork!!! YEA they have caught the sarcastic!

Welcome Rochelle! I usually say "I don't know!"

now dazzle us with your ........ emoticon



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8/1/11 10:02 P

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"well what am I supposed to do?"
.
I just so don't care. I didn't encourage any stupid decision before they got to me, and I don't care at all what they do after me.

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7/26/11 7:04 P

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wow a new word .....sarcasticated!!! I love it!

And you are right we do have our reputations to uphold! Some more than others!!! emoticon



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7/26/11 4:49 P

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Bojo - I was just reviewing some of my favorite topics and I saw your hate about"Is that your cat?"

I think you should have that response the very next time some someone makes that asinine question. The sooner the better.

After all, you have a reputation to maintain.

People who come to my house know if they utter a dumb comment or question they are going to get sarcasticated and as soon as they realize what came out of their mouth - they instinctively duck.

That often quacks me up.

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7/16/11 10:10 P

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It most certainly is a double oxymoron...making it even funnier than the intentionally funny stuff.

emoticon on the health issue. From one who knows.

~Maggie

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7/16/11 9:28 P

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we understand.... just want to let you know we miss you and your verbiage! It is much fun reading! Feel better, take care of yourself.



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7/16/11 1:38 P

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Well, as some of you know, I have a constant battle with Chronic Depression, literally. When I'm, like, unable to do normal things, uh, you know. I start to feel, like, um, I'm not worth very much. The Seratonin levels in my brain drop and I'm not very funny - nor am I very pleasant to be around.

I've found the best thing for me to do when that happens is just to stay away from my friends - that is, if I want to maintain their friendship.

My oft times sarcasm turns from a little 'bite" to a savage ripping. Later, I can't believe what a jerk I've been and my knees get bloody by apologizing to those I've hurt and/or offended.

See? I really am a nice, thoughtful, sensitive guy.

Isn't combining thoughtful and sensitive to guy a double oxymoron?

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7/16/11 8:54 A

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Well we know how he is .... he likes to verbally abuse us now and then! emoticon

Why don't you drop in more often ... we miss you!



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HAILEYSMEMAW's Photo HAILEYSMEMAW Posts: 3,511
7/16/11 8:25 A

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yeah a little to much.


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7/16/11 2:06 A

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Methinks Popeye is enjoying his pain meds.

~Maggie

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7/16/11 12:04 A

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Basically, uhh, I think this is a lot of nonsense, you know, like, literally just nonsense. Just don't litter sinse I'm just back from an, uhh, lot of nonsense with my shoulder. Because of the pain, I can absolutely state it was not literally a surgery - it just was, uhh, like surgery, you know?

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7/11/11 6:05 P

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isn't that called one up manship?!?!? sometimes these people are oblivious to you telling them off, and they think they are being all "intellectual" on you!!



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HAILEYSMEMAW's Photo HAILEYSMEMAW Posts: 3,511
7/11/11 5:58 P

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unless you're just as full as hot air as the person you 're telling off.



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7/10/11 9:02 A

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that's not always a bad thing! sometimes it is just what is needed!



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7/10/11 1:12 A

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Liz hates it when people talk about themselves in third person. Liz could literally kick some butt. Seriously

Had to do it-and managed to incorporate 2 others in there also. emoticon

I also lack the mind-to-mouth filter that many people possess. Say exactly what's on my mind. I'm usually just as suprised as everyone else when things come flying out of my mouth without warning.

Liz :)

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7/9/11 2:34 P

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I've got an inkling that they don't have an appreciation for the art of sarcasm there. Not even sure they've been taught how to laugh. Or maybe they have, and it's been outlawed.
emoticon

~Maggie

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7/9/11 9:25 A

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Well.... a bunch of Smart A$$es! Think of the fun you could have with the clueless idiots that might be there.... we would reduce them to tears! emoticon
they would have no where to hide! emoticon no one to protect them. emoticon

emoticon



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HAILEYSMEMAW's Photo HAILEYSMEMAW Posts: 3,511
7/9/11 8:53 A

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GOOD? describe good....

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7/9/11 8:48 A

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but at least you'd be in GOOD company! emoticon



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7/9/11 1:01 A

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NO! Because I know you'd put my name on the top of it!!!

emoticon

~Maggie

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7/8/11 10:45 P

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do you want to start a list?



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HAILEYSMEMAW's Photo HAILEYSMEMAW Posts: 3,511
7/8/11 6:34 P

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we might not be ---but there are a few people that I would like to send there with a one way ticket

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7/8/11 7:47 A

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more flying shoes?!?!? emoticon are we in Afghanistan ?!?!?



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PRINCHESSA's Photo PRINCHESSA Posts: 2,892
7/7/11 11:22 P

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Welcome BOJO!!! Oh, I definitely would say it!

Today's irritants, basically *giggle*, just plain, pure, stupidity...

Example:

me: What are the contract start/end dates? (expecting a start date in 2008)
blonde answer: They moved into that apartment on...(a date in November 2010)
me: *head shaking, fist in air, shoe in flight*

Wow...

Just call me Prin (easier on your fingers!) (unless you were counting that as exercise!!!)


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7/7/11 9:56 P

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BOJO70 another new voice heard from!! Welcome!!!

AND that is so funny!!! You almost want to say no I thought it was yours you Jack A$$ !



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7/7/11 7:48 P

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This has happened twice....

People come to my house to pick something up or drop something off and my cat walks across the room and they ask "Oh, is that your cat?"

Do you know how hard it is not to jump back as if I have been shocked with a poker and say "WHAT THE H@#$? Where did that come from?"

One of these days I'm going to do it...I swear I am...

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7/7/11 12:57 P

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I figured the basically would elicite a response!!! emoticon



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HAILEYSMEMAW's Photo HAILEYSMEMAW Posts: 3,511
7/7/11 11:02 A

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emoticon


couldn't help myself CHRISIBONDI
LOL

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7/7/11 7:28 A

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basically I hear a shoe flying through the air! LOL LOL emoticon



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7/6/11 10:36 P

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Nah, in Dilbert, those inefficient folks wouldn't even notice they didn't have a keyboard ;) That is crazy tho', we may do things over a holiday weekend, but it's usually planned WELL in advance and everyone packs up their own desks. Being IT, I generally log onto each machine, and make sure everyone is good to go. Also, I know folks are sensitive to their specific keyboards, etc, and always make sure things stay together.

& to the prior post... I hate since vs sense too! OMG that is rampant around here. Or should I say... Basically, it's rampant around here ;) *ducks*

Just call me Prin (easier on your fingers!) (unless you were counting that as exercise!!!)


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7/5/11 9:51 P

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that is weird, also VERY unproductive! have you complained to HR? they sound like a Dilbert Cartoon!



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7/5/11 9:43 P

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management does this a lot at my company: when they decide to move desks around they do it around holidays so when you come back to the office, someone else is at your desk, half of your stuff is missing and your new desk (like what happened to me this morning) does not have a chair, mouse or keyboard. someone's pc was not even plugged in or set up. it is so rude, unprofessional and disrespectful

Don't forget to be awesome.


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I hate people asking about my holidays with the phrase ' are you going anywhere nice?' why would I go if it wasn't nice.

The word 'basically' on the start of each sentence.

People who can't tell the difference between 'bought' and 'brought'

My in laws instead of having an itch, which they scratch, have a scratch which they itch! No I don't understand it either.

Weakness hides in a culture like the rain hides in the sun. If one takes comfort in only the sunshine, you will not be prepared to face the threat of rain. Being prepared is essential. (Kanna Hirokazu, officer, Japanese navy, talking about karate)


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7/5/11 7:29 A

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emoticon yea that's it ! we most definitely need one of those net thingies, cuz we are bouncing all over!



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7/5/11 7:25 A

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OK, make up your mind Chris... you want it here, or there... Should I just get another one?

I'm thinking that investing in the safety enclosure is a wise choice with us...

Just call me Prin (easier on your fingers!) (unless you were counting that as exercise!!!)


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7/4/11 6:18 P

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well jump right in! or on, I think the trampoline is still here somewhere!



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7/4/11 2:01 P

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See what happens when you leave your computer for two months?

I missed the beginning of this discussion...and it's right up my alley. I love to hate stuff!


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7/3/11 4:55 P

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*slips a trampoline in the room*

How's that?

Just call me Prin (easier on your fingers!) (unless you were counting that as exercise!!!)


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6/27/11 9:37 P

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GRAMMIE1959 a NEWBIE!!! Welcome!!! glad we were able to amuse .... so give us something to jump on !!! emoticon



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6/27/11 9:25 P

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Ahaaaa Haaaaa, Teeeee, Hooooo
emoticon

guilty as charged on a few of these

My apologies!

Never pointed @ my crotch to implore the way to the rest room though!

Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy.
Norman Vincent Peale



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6/26/11 11:53 P

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I know ... wishful thinking on our part!



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HAILEYSMEMAW's Photo HAILEYSMEMAW Posts: 3,511
6/26/11 2:40 P

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yeah ...ok....maybe...sure ..hope ...so...

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6/24/11 10:20 A

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but maybe , just maybe they would start acting responsibly ,because guess what who will "fix" things for them then?!?!? one can only hope!



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6/24/11 8:56 A

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Thats just it -they wont get done .....

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6/23/11 9:17 P

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ain't that the truth! NO common sense!!! I mean REALLY! some of the things people expect me to do for them or explain to them is outrageous!! If we all acted as clueless as they do how would things get done.



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6/23/11 4:36 P

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Anyone with common sense would welcome us with open arms.
People without common sense well I try to stay as far away from them as I can.
I aint to smart in the bookwise sense.
To me common sense & sense of humor go hand in hand!


My dad used to say-to get alone with most people you need to have 75% common sense and 25% bookwise smart.
Dont guess that goes well in todays lifestyle.
I've met some pretty dumb intelligent people

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6/22/11 3:57 P

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So am I ....Especially cuz I get tired of explaining my sense of humor to most people. I just shake my head and walk away, and am just so amazed.....



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6/22/11 1:09 P

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sure am glad we're friends.

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6/22/11 1:00 P

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well as a matter of fact... she DID have twins!!! My brothers!! I also had twin boys...
As to cracking up my friends.... that is why they love me. I say the things they only wish they could say! I don't care who or what the situation is.. I say what is on my mind. Mostly it is funny stuff..but sometimes people are offends...oh well ... their prob.....
I'm my own laugh track....I crack myself up!



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6/22/11 11:56 A

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I do wander sometimes if your mom had known she was going to give birth to you....if she would had prayed for twins
You are something else lady.An I do mean that in a good way.!!
Tell me -do you get your friends laughing when they are in a stressful mood.?

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6/21/11 7:54 P

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"you know" your right!

I said it before does that count??!!



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6/21/11 7:28 P

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people who say "You know " after every sentence.
emoticon

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6/19/11 10:11 A

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Clueless people..... If we all acted that way .... who would take care of us??? When is it my turn?? emoticon

Edited by: GARDENCHRIS at: 6/19/2011 (10:12)


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6/19/11 1:58 A

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I hate when people mix up "your" and "you're", it's ridiculous! You learn the difference between the two in second grade, I mean really?

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6/19/11 1:33 A

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i hate clearning up their messes. if they want the "freedom because then they are adults" then they should act like adults and accept the responsibilities of being an adult.

Don't forget to be awesome.


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6/13/11 12:37 A

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i may be a snob but i can live with that. uhhh, people, the word "supposebly"--it's literally NOT a real word folks!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*Sh@untay*

I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see. -- John Burroughs, essayist and naturalist

Don't postpone joy until you have learned all of your lessons. Joy is your lesson. -- Alan Cohen, American businessman

What I lack in decorum, I make up for with an absence of tact. --Don Williams, Jr., American novelist and poet


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6/10/11 11:06 P

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do you mean Literally?! LOL sorry I couldn't help myself!! emoticon



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people who have to say "literally" before every statement because they don't understand how to use the word. "I literally had to walk to work today", "She literally bought 2 shirts", "We literally had to pay our electric bill this month. I am going to throw something at the next retard who misuses the word. Literally.

Jessica

"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better...it's not!"
--Dr. Seuss

"The destiny of man is in his own soul"
--Herodotus

"Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose"
--Janis Joplin



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6/10/11 9:22 P

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I hate it when you have to go to the bathroom.
An then someone ask you ;

everything come out okey?

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Great list and wonderful additions.

Gail

Quit stuffing your face and face your stuff.
Be yourself, everyone else is taken.
I think therefore I am dangerous.
Don't make excuses, make changes.

See my photos on Flickr.
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When a person talking to you says, "well, it goes without saying". WILL YOU LET ME IN ON IT?

If it went without saying, it's reasonable to assume I didn't hear it. Don't tell me it 'goes without saying' unless you've already told me what IT was, or is.

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When people call and ask for direction... and they say
"how do you get there from here?" REALLY??

Also they call and ask "Are you open yet??" WELL I am answering the phone, Unless I come in on my day off to answer the phone just waiting for you to call?!?!?!?



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LESSOFJEN's Photo LESSOFJEN Posts: 873
4/6/10 5:28 P

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haha good one...yes please add away!!!



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4/6/10 5:27 P

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Can we add to this list? Because I would like to add....

Come in from outdoors dripping wet and some one asks, is it raining? No, I'm a heavy sweater.

Come on guys, add another one. There MUST be more!

My animals aren't spoiled, I'm just well trained.

A house without a dog is like a house without windows.

All my children have paws.
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*don't know if this was posted anywhere but I had to share it*

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their a** to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn Right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film, "did ya see that?" No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor!

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"... Didn't give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell??? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!!! What can you do thats longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came, would I be standing here???

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