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PDSLIM
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1/24/13 12:31 P

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Geometric Logic

Never quite saw it this way - but, it's an interesting assessment.

The Wonder of it All:

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:


The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

Therefore, one might conclude, there must be a ton of people in Washington playing marbles.

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KATHRYNLP
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1/24/13 9:50 A

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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman wanted to go to the Olympics ...
... but when they got there they realized they didn't have anywhere near enough money to get in. The Scot, ever inventive, said "Look, lads, we can get in for nothing if we're competitors. All we have to do is find something that we can show the officials as being part of our sport, say the the country we represent, and in we go."

They agreed it was the only way, and set out to get some gear. They couldn't afford to buy any, but at the back of the stadium they saw the workmen had not cleared away the extra bits used for the barriers.

The Englishman got a bright idea, and picked up a length of spare metal pipe, going to the gate and saying, "I'm in the English Javelin team." They told him to go ahead.

The Scotsman arrived with a large round chunk of cement, told them he was a Scottish shot-put entrant, and in he went too.

Finally the Irishman arrived with a roll of wire mesh from a barricade over his shoulder.

"Where are you from, what are you competing in?" asked the official.

"Irish. Fencing." was his terse reply. emoticon



My Motto is..
"No one ever injured their eyesight by looking at the bright side of things."


 
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FLOWERDALEJEWEL
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1/24/13 4:45 A

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emoticon

A man calls animal control because there's a crazed gorilla on his roof & he cant figure out how to get it down. Soon a van pulls up & a little old man gets out carrying a wee dog which is blind, a baseball bat & a gun. He hands the gun to the house owner & places the dog on the ground.

"OK, here's the plan," he says. "I'm going to go up onto your roof & threaten the gorilla with this bat until he falls. When he does fall this little dog will grab him by the nuts & chomp down hard until the gorilla passes out."

"Great" says the man, "But what's the gun for?"

"In case I fall down first... shoot the dog!"

Peace and long life - Jules

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KATHRYNLP
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1/23/13 10:29 A

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emoticon emoticon

While driving with my daughter and her husband..
... I noticed that the woman in the car ahead of us had a rather odd vanity plate.

"That's weird," I said, pointing to it. "Why would anyone want to boast about mold on their car?"

"Call me crazy," said my son-in-law after deciphering the phrase, "but I believe that reads 'FUN-GAL.'"



My Motto is..
"No one ever injured their eyesight by looking at the bright side of things."


 
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FLOWERDALEJEWEL
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1/23/13 2:58 A

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A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”
The man said, “Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.”

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KATHRYNLP
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1/22/13 9:26 A

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Bet that shut the Texan up! emoticon emoticon

Signs and Notices

On a ski lift in Taos, NM: 'No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted.'

Official sign near door: Door Alarmed. Handprinted sign nearby: Window frightened.

Road sign seen on the island of Cyprus. (translation of the Greek): 'Caution: Road Slippery from Grapejuice'

A sign advertising a Company wide skiing race: Let's see who can go downhill the fastest.

Sign in King's Canyon in California. 'Slow Parking Ahead'

Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen several years ago: Restrooms to the left. Please wait for the hostess to seat you.

Seen in a health food store. "Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot"


My Motto is..
"No one ever injured their eyesight by looking at the bright side of things."


 
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FLOWERDALEJEWEL
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1/22/13 2:14 A

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A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

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1/21/13 9:42 A

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A partially deaf man goes into the doctor's office for a physical . . .
. . . and the doctor says, "I need a stool sample, a urine sample, and a semen sample."

The guy looks at his wife and yells, "What did he say?"

His wife replies, "He said you need to bring in a pair of your underwear!" emoticon



My Motto is..
"No one ever injured their eyesight by looking at the bright side of things."


 
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FLOWERDALEJEWEL
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1/21/13 3:16 A

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emoticon emoticon emoticon

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off - don't worry, I'll hold your monkey for you."

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KATHRYNLP
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1/20/13 11:01 A

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That wath funny, Julth emoticon

A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace.
Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown.

One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day.

That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed,

"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!

I thought it appropriate for Sunday... emoticon

My Motto is..
"No one ever injured their eyesight by looking at the bright side of things."


 
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FLOWERDALEJEWEL
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1/19/13 10:42 P

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emoticon


The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size. They warned her, though, to not eat any of the green persimmons 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while'.
She agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said....
'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday.'

Peace and long life - Jules

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KATHRYNLP
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1/19/13 8:37 A

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Touché, Jules! And I didn't! emoticon

A guy comes into a coffee shop and places his order...
... he says "I want three flat tires and a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."

The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen and asks the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires and a pair of headlights and pair of running boards. What does he think, this is an auto parts store?"

"No" the cook says, "three flat tires means three pancakes and a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up and running boards is 2 slices crisp bacon."

"Oh," says the waitress. She thinks about this for a while, and then she spoons up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer.

The guy says, "What are the beans for?"

The waitress replies, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might want to gas up." emoticon



My Motto is..
"No one ever injured their eyesight by looking at the bright side of things."


 
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FLOWERDALEJEWEL
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1/19/13 2:53 A

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One lazy Sunday morning the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when I said to her unexpectedly, "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.
"I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don't want some other asshole using my stuff."
She looked at me intently and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"

Peace and long life - Jules

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KATHRYNLP
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1/18/13 9:17 A

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Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz and, after a long trial...
... the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.

"Your honour," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine."

"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?"

"Well, your honour," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole." emoticon



My Motto is..
"No one ever injured their eyesight by looking at the bright side of things."


 
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FLOWERDALEJEWEL
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1/18/13 4:10 A

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Now that sounds like a typical Aussie joke!!

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the shoulders of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, “Just what the hell are you doing?”
“Well,” said the guy, “I”m a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can”t help practicing my art!”
“That”s the stupidest thing I”ve ever heard!” the guy replied. “I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?”

Peace and long life - Jules

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1/17/13 7:48 A

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Three blokes were working on a high rise building project, Macca, Chook and Simmo. Chook falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Simmo says,"Someone should go and tell his wife." Macca says, "OK, I`m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, Macca comes back carrying a slab of VB. Simmo says,"Where did you get that, Macca?"
"Chook's missus gave it to me." "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
Macca says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Chook`s widow."
She said, "No, I'm not a widow."
And I said, "Wanna bet me a slab"

My Motto is..
"No one ever injured their eyesight by looking at the bright side of things."


 
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FLOWERDALEJEWEL
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1/17/13 5:05 A

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Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?

A: Run! She’s got a grenade in her mouth!

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KATHRYNLP
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1/16/13 9:26 A

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had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach.

Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right.


The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse.


Just before he rode off, I yelled out,


"What was all that about?"


He replied,


"Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through." emoticon



My Motto is..
"No one ever injured their eyesight by looking at the bright side of things."


 
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FLOWERDALEJEWEL
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1/16/13 4:19 A

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A Scotsman is on holiday in New York City.
It’s a balmy spring day and he is wearing a kilt.
A young woman comes up to him and boldly asks him if anything is worn beneath the kilt.
“No lassie” he replies, “everything is in fine working order.”

Peace and long life - Jules

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KATHRYNLP
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1/15/13 11:35 A

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I like that wife in your joke, Jules... emoticon

Jack made his way through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.


Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.


He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy - Either way, you get your dog back!" emoticon emoticon



My Motto is..
"No one ever injured their eyesight by looking at the bright side of things."


 
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1/15/13 3:18 A

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An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. “You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home. ”
“Why?” asked somebody from the audience.
“I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.
One day I told her, ’Honey, why don’t you try carrying several things at once?’”
“Did it save time?” the guy in the audience asked.
“Actually, yes,” replied the expert. “It used to take her 30 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in ten.”

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One evening two vampire bats were hanging out in their cave.

One said, "Man, I'm starving! I need to get some blood!" And he flew out of the cave.


He returned about three hours later with blood dripping from his mouth.


"Where'd you get the blood?" the other bat asked.


"Well, you fly out of the cave, and you see the first tree on the left?"


"Yes," the other bat replied.


"Well, I didn't." emoticon



My Motto is..
"No one ever injured their eyesight by looking at the bright side of things."


 
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1/14/13 3:47 A

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This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, & are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: “A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.”
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, & comments, “See! That was more than 5 times a month!”
The second bull is to be sold: “Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.”
Again the wife bugs her husband, “Hey, that’s some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!”
Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.
The third bull is up for sale: “And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!”
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, “That’s once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!”
The husband was pretty irritated by now, & yells back, “Sure, once a day! But ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!!”

Peace and long life - Jules

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1/13/13 9:59 A

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Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny...

...although measurable distance from the earth every year. If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance about 35 feet from the earth's surface.

This would explain the death of the dinosaurs - the tallest ones, anyway. emoticon



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Three old ladies are sitting in a cafe, chatting about various things.

One lady says, “You know, I’m getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn’t remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down.”
The second lady says,

“You think that’s bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn’t remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!”

The third lady smiles smugly, “Well, my memory’s just as good as it’s always been, knock on wood,” she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, “Who’s there?”

Peace and long life - Jules

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1/12/13 9:18 A

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John and Jake went into a diner that looked as though it had seen better days.
As they slid in to a booth, John wiped some crumbs from the seat. Then he took a napkin and wiped some mustard from the table. The waitress, in a dirty uniform, came over and asked if they wanted some menus.

"No thanks," said John, "I'll just have a cup of black coffee."

"I'll have black coffee, too," Jake said. "And please make sure the cup is clean."

The waitress shot him a nasty look. She turned and marched off in to the kitchen. Two minutes later, she was back.

"Two cups of black coffee," she announced. "Which one of you wanted the clean cup?"



My Motto is..
"No one ever injured their eyesight by looking at the bright side of things."


 
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This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said, “Where are you going ?”
He said, “I’m going to the doctor.”
And she said, “Why? Are you sick?”
“No,” he said. “I’m going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.”
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, “Where are you going?”
She said, “I’m going to the doctor too.”
He said, “Why?”
She said, “If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing again, I’m going to get a tetanus shot.”

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1/11/13 9:53 A

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The U. S. Treasury has announced they are recalling the new West Virginia quarter.
According to the Treasury officials the quarter will not work in parking meters, toll booths or vending machines. Apparently the duct tape holding the two dimes and nickel together keeps jamming the machines.



My Motto is..
"No one ever injured their eyesight by looking at the bright side of things."


 
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FLOWERDALEJEWEL
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1/11/13 3:49 A

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A professional juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.
What are you doing with these matches and lighter fluid in your car, asks the police officer. I’m a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act. Oh yeah? Let’s see you do it, says the officer.
So the juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. “Wow,” says the driver to his wife. “I’m glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they’re giving now!”

Peace and long life - Jules

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1/10/13 9:16 A

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There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town...
... which was avoided by all the town folk - the ghost which `lived' there was feared by all.

However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. He told the ghost "I mean no harm - I just want your photograph". The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines - he posed for a number of ghostly shots.

The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.

So what's the moral of the story?

The spirit was willing but the flash was weak. emoticon



My Motto is..
"No one ever injured their eyesight by looking at the bright side of things."


 
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FLOWERDALEJEWEL
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1/10/13 2:16 A

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There was a world famous painter who, in the prime of her career, started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor’s office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor’s office. During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, ”What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?”
”Thank God I’m not a gynecologist.”

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1/9/13 8:50 A

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Signs and Notices
On a ski lift in Taos, NM: 'No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted.'
Official sign near door: Door Alarmed. Handprinted sign nearby: Window frightened.
Road sign seen on the island of Cyprus. (translation of the Greek): 'Caution: Road Slippery from Grapejuice'
A sign advertising a Company wide skiing race: Let's see who can go downhill the fastest.
Sign in King's Canyon in California. 'Slow Parking Ahead'
A billboard seen next to the highway, travelling from Johannesburg International Airport into town. An Ad for BMW showing a photo of a BMW 328i convertible with the roof and all the windows down. The caption reads:' Our hardware runs better without WINDOWS!!!'
Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen several years ago: Restrooms to the left. Please wait for the hostess to seat you.
Seen in a health food store. "Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot"
"Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense."
I went to a little hole in the wall restaurant: the sign read: Women are not served here. You have to bring your own emoticon

My Motto is..
"No one ever injured their eyesight by looking at the bright side of things."


 
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FLOWERDALEJEWEL
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1/9/13 1:52 A

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Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.”
Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous systems many thousands of electrical connections.”
The last said, “Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”

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1/8/13 8:47 A

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A motorcyclist picked up his friend from work one raw autumn day.
The friend complained he was cold from the wind, so the driver stopped and got his friend to turn his coat around, so the collar would stop the wind blowing down the neck.

They went on aways, but came to a construction site. Quickly the cyclist bumped through the dirt path, and at the end turned around to check how his friend was doing. But the friend had fallen off!

The cyclist rushed back along the dirt path, and discovered a group of construction workers gathered around his friend. He pushed his way through the crowd and asked how his friend was doing.

"He seemed alright," came the reply, "until we turned his head around the right way."



My Motto is..
"No one ever injured their eyesight by looking at the bright side of things."


 
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FLOWERDALEJEWEL
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1/8/13 4:52 A

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A man was heading to England and his next-door neighbor Mrs. Dunn had just sent her son Olmos off to England a week ago. He hadn’t called since he was there, so she asked the man to get him to call her. She knew he was staying in a big white house so she told him that.
When he arrived in England, the man asked the first person he saw for the big white house. Thinking he meant the outhouse, the Brit said, ”It is in the middle of the park.” So the man went to the park and saw a white house in the center.
He knocked on the door and said, ”Are you Olmos Dunn?”
A voice came from inside, ”Yeah, I just have to find the toilet paper.”

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1/7/13 10:15 A

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Excited about his new project concept...
... a movie producer had called together several big name draws to kick some ideas around.

The project, an action docu-drama about famous composers featured Stallone, Van Damme, and Schwartzenegger in leading roles.

The producers really wanted the box office 'oomph' of these three, and they were prepared to allow them to select what famous composers they would portray.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite," said Van Damme, I'll play him."

Things were going well; the producers were pleased.

"Sounds splendid. And who do you want to be, Arnold?"

"I'll be Bach." emoticon emoticon



My Motto is..
"No one ever injured their eyesight by looking at the bright side of things."


 
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FLOWERDALEJEWEL
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1/6/13 11:36 P

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A young girl and her boyfriend are driving down the road one day. Her boyfriend suggests that they play road games and that whoever loses has to strip. They play every game known to man and the girl loses every time. Soon she is bare naked. The boy takes a long look and runs off the road. They slide into a tree and the boy is trapped in the car. He yells to his girlfriend, “Quick, go get help!”
She says, “I can’t, I’m naked.”
He hands her a shoe to cover with. Desperately she covers her “lower parts” and runs to the road. She flags down a truck driver and yells, “Help me, my boyfriend is stuck.”
The truck driver replies, “Honey, if he’s that far gone, I don’t think we can get him out again!”

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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1/6/13 8:40 A

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A young woman wasn't feeling well...
... and asked one of her co-workers to recommend a physician.

"I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that."

The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced.

"I'm back!"

Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit." emoticon



My Motto is..
"No one ever injured their eyesight by looking at the bright side of things."


 
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FLOWERDALEJEWEL
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1/6/13 4:36 A

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Pinched this one from my facebook page!!

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole.' He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.

'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole.'
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?'

'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.

'No, I won't.'

'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.'

With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool.

'See,' she said. 'I knew you'd laugh!'

'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.'

Peace and long life - Jules

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1/5/13 7:22 A

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Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car...

.., a passing soldier assures her that he can help.


She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.


"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"


"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis". emoticon emoticon



My Motto is..
"No one ever injured their eyesight by looking at the bright side of things."


 
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FLOWERDALEJEWEL
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1/5/13 4:10 A

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A man was walking down the street and on the corner were 3 drunks trying to raise a telephone pole. They worked and worked and finally got the thing in the air. Two of of the drunks held the pole and the other climbed on top. He let down a a tape measure. This fellow couldn’t take it any more so he asks what they were doing.
They said, “We're measuring this pole.”
The man asks, “Why didn’t you measure it on the ground?”
They said, “We know how long it is, now we want to know how tall it is.”

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KATHRYNLP
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1/4/13 9:46 A

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The top 12 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:

12. Chateau Traileur Parc
11. White Trashfindel
10. Big Red Gulp
9. Grape Expectations
8. Chateau Ghetto
7. NASCARbernet
6. Chef Boyardeaux
5. Peanut Noir
4. Chateau des Moines
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. World Championship Riesling

And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine. . .

1. Nasti Spumante emoticon emoticon



My Motto is..
"No one ever injured their eyesight by looking at the bright side of things."


 
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FLOWERDALEJEWEL
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1/4/13 1:46 A

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A drunk takes his dog for a walk. After awhile he gets thirsty so he ties his dog to a parking meter in front of a bar and goes in for a couple of beers.
After he has been there for an hour or so the local policeman enters the bar,”Whose dog is tied up out front?”
The drunk responds, “That’s my dog. Is there a problem officer?”
“Well she’s in heat,” says the cop.”
“Oh, she’ll be all right. It’s shady out there.”
“That’s not what I mean. Your dog needs to be bred.”
“I gave her a half of a loaf this morning. She’s fine.”
At this point the policeman is becoming a little upset. “Listen buddy! You don’t seem to understand what I am talking about. That dog wants to mate.”
“Oh, go right ahead officer, I’ve always wanted a police dog.”

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KATHRYNLP
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1/3/13 10:07 A

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emoticon emoticon

A Scotsman was arguing with a conductor...

... as to whether the fare was 20 pence or 22 pence. Finally the disgusted conductor picked up the Scotsman's suitcase and tossed it off the train, just as they passed over a bridge. The suitcase landed with a splash.

"Mon!" screamed the Scotsman, "isn't it enough that you try to overcharge me, but now you are trying to drown my little boy!" emoticon



My Motto is..
"No one ever injured their eyesight by looking at the bright side of things."


 
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FLOWERDALEJEWEL
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1/3/13 5:28 A

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A man walked into a Doctor’s office. “What do you have?” the receptionist asked.
“Shingles,”he replied.
She told him to sit down. Soon a nurse called him and asked, “What do you have?”
“Shingles,” he replied.
She took his blood pressure, weight, and complete medical history. Then she took him to a room and told him to remove all of his clothes. After a few minutes the Doctor came in and asked,”What do you have?”
“Shingles,” the man told him.
The Doctor looked him up and down and said,”Where?”
“Out on the truck. Where do you want me to unload them?

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KATHRYNLP
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1/2/13 9:29 A

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emoticon emoticon

A man walks into the sheriff's office... "I want to become a deputy!"

"Good, I want to you to catch this man" says the sheriff handling the man a wanted poster.

The poster reads : 'Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.'

"What's he wanted for?" asked the hopeful young man.

"Rustling." emoticon

My Motto is..
"No one ever injured their eyesight by looking at the bright side of things."


 
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FLOWERDALEJEWEL
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1/2/13 3:10 A

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A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar and start having a few quiet drinks. As the night goes on, they get pretty drunk. The giraffe finally passes out near the pool tables and the man decides to go home.
As the man is leaving, he’s approached by the barman who says, “Hey, you’re not gonna leave that lyin’ here, are ya?”
“Hmph,” says the man, “that’s not a lion, it’s a giraffe.”

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KATHRYNLP
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1/1/13 8:43 A

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A nun was sitting at the airport waiting for her flight to Chicago.
She looked over & saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune.

Deciding to give it a try, she went to the machine, stepped on the scale and put her nickel in

Out came a card saying, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 Lbs and you're going to Chicago".

The nun sat back down & told herself the machine probably gives the same reading to Everyone.

The more she thought about it, the more curious she was, so she decided to try it again.

She went back to the machine and put another nickel in. Out came a card, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago and you're going to play a fiddle.

The nun said to herself, I know this is wrong. I've never played a musical instrument In my life. She went back to her seat.

Then, a cowboy came and sat down, putting his fiddle on the seat between them.

Without thinking, she opened the case, took out the fiddle and started playing. Surprised at what she'd done, she looked at the machine and decided to try again.

She went back and put in another nickel. The card said "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you are going to Chicago & you're going to break wind."

Now, she knew the machine was wrong. She'd never broken wind in public in her life. But getting off the scale, she slipped and straining to keep from falling, she broke wind.

Stunned, she sat down and looked at the machine, thinking I have to try this again. She went back to the machine and dropped in another nickel.

Another Card came out. It read, "You are a nun, you weigh 128 lbs, you've fiddled & farted around & missed your flight to Chicago. emoticon



My Motto is..
"No one ever injured their eyesight by looking at the bright side of things."


 
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1/1/13 3:57 A

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emoticon emoticon

Two men working in a factory were talking. “I know how to get some time off,” said one.
“How are you going to do that?”
“Watch,” he said, and climbed up on a rafter. The foreman asked what he was doing up there, and the man replied.”I’m a light bulb.”
“I think you need some time off,” the foreman said said, and the first man walked out of the factory. After a moment, the second man followed him.
“Where do you think you’re going?” the foreman shouted.
“I can’t work in the dark,” he said.

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KATHRYNLP
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12/31/12 11:00 A

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Lordy-Lordy Jules... emoticon emoticon

Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny...

...although measurable distance from the earth every year. If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance about 35 feet from the earth's surface.


This would explain the death of the dinosaurs - the tallest ones, anyway. emoticon



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