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JEANNETTE59 SparkPoints: (251,483)
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9/2/15 6:38 P

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If you have the right to freedom of speech, then use your voice to speak out for those who do not.



What would you want to be doing if you were going to meet God today, then do it everyday.


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9/2/15 11:23 A

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enjoyed this...thank you for my morning chuckle.

the most important piece of clothing you must wear is love. Love is what binds us all together in harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. Colossians 3:14-15a


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9/2/15 9:46 A

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Jules, you are the greatest!!! Love it.

Linda


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FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 39,621
9/2/15 7:22 A

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Who is Jack Schitt?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt, " you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

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9/1/15 1:18 P

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FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 39,621
8/30/15 5:40 A

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Why are men like laxatives?

Because they irritate the crap out of you!

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8/28/15 5:35 P

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If you have the right to freedom of speech, then use your voice to speak out for those who do not.



What would you want to be doing if you were going to meet God today, then do it everyday.


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8/28/15 6:46 A

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8/26/15 6:33 P

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Jules, you seem to have a theme going emoticon

If you have the right to freedom of speech, then use your voice to speak out for those who do not.



What would you want to be doing if you were going to meet God today, then do it everyday.


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FERALAUNTIE's Photo FERALAUNTIE SparkPoints: (35,349)
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8/26/15 6:14 P

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Jules, that's a winner!!

Edited by: FERALAUNTIE at: 8/26/2015 (18:14)
Linda


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8/26/15 11:12 A

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the most important piece of clothing you must wear is love. Love is what binds us all together in harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. Colossians 3:14-15a


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FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 39,621
8/26/15 9:20 A

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At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?”

”Good question,” noted the CFO. “We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages.”

“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

“What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what’s left over after setting a cast on a patient?”

“Ah, yes,” replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question . “We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster.”

“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. “Well,” he went on, “What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?”

“Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the CFO. “What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.”



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8/25/15 10:55 P

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oh my Gosh this is so funny!!!!

the most important piece of clothing you must wear is love. Love is what binds us all together in harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. Colossians 3:14-15a


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8/25/15 4:38 P

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emoticon I think I'll eat at home tonight!

If you have the right to freedom of speech, then use your voice to speak out for those who do not.



What would you want to be doing if you were going to meet God today, then do it everyday.


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FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 39,621
8/25/15 8:54 A

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A man and his wife were in a fancy restaurant. While ordering, they noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket, and after looking around, they observed the other waiters and busboys each had a similar spoon. So the husband says, "what's with the spoon?"

The waiter said,"well, we had this company come in and evaluate our time management and they found that people drop their spoon 74.8% more often than any other utensil. So if we carry one with us, we can reduce the trips back to the kitchen by 3 hours per shift.

The husband was impressed. Sure enough, he dropped his spoon during dinner and the waiter replaced it with his, stating, "I'll just get another when I go to the kitchen for something else".

While ordering dessert, the husband noted that the waiter had a very thin string hanging from the fly of his pants, as did the other waiters, so the husband asks, "hey, there's a string on your pants!"

The waiter tells him, "Not all my customers are as observant as you... the same company found that we can reduce the amount of time spent in the bathroom by 2 hours each shift if we tie a string around the end of you-know-what, and when we have to go we just unzip and pull it out with the string completely eliminating the need to wash up and saving time."


The husband was impressed, but asked, "it's a good idea... but how do you get it back in your pants?".

The waiter leaned close and whispered, "Well I don't know about the rest of them, but personally I use the spoon."

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8/22/15 4:52 P

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If you have the right to freedom of speech, then use your voice to speak out for those who do not.



What would you want to be doing if you were going to meet God today, then do it everyday.


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FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 39,621
8/20/15 2:18 A

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Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?


A. Ask your mother.


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8/19/15 11:09 P

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the most important piece of clothing you must wear is love. Love is what binds us all together in harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. Colossians 3:14-15a


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FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 39,621
8/19/15 7:10 A

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An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

The old man just stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.

The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

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8/17/15 12:20 A

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loved #6

the most important piece of clothing you must wear is love. Love is what binds us all together in harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. Colossians 3:14-15a


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8/16/15 4:58 P

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If you have the right to freedom of speech, then use your voice to speak out for those who do not.



What would you want to be doing if you were going to meet God today, then do it everyday.


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FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 39,621
8/14/15 10:06 A

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The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:

1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield.

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8/8/15 7:48 P

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If you have the right to freedom of speech, then use your voice to speak out for those who do not.



What would you want to be doing if you were going to meet God today, then do it everyday.


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8/8/15 6:35 P

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Too much!!! LOL!!!

Linda


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8/8/15 6:58 A

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News Flash: Today the world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred approximately 8:42 PM last evening.

Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going and going, "Pinkie" as he was known to his friends and family was alone at the time of his death.

An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone had put the bunny's batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and coming...
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8/7/15 5:49 P

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If you have the right to freedom of speech, then use your voice to speak out for those who do not.



What would you want to be doing if you were going to meet God today, then do it everyday.


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8/5/15 7:05 A

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An Indian chief and his son are sitting down one day, and the son asks: "Dad, how do us Indians get our names?"

"It's very simple," replies the chief. "Your oldest brother was born by a river, so we call him Running Brook.

Your other brother was born in the early morning, so we call him Rising Sun.

Why do you ask Broken Rubber?"


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7/31/15 5:56 P

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If you have the right to freedom of speech, then use your voice to speak out for those who do not.



What would you want to be doing if you were going to meet God today, then do it everyday.


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7/31/15 8:46 A

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A man was looking all over town to find a friend of his. He walked down the street and came to a barber shop.

He stuck his head inside and asked, "Bob Peters here?"

The barber replied, "Nah, we just do shaves and haircuts."

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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7/31/15 1:48 A

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the most important piece of clothing you must wear is love. Love is what binds us all together in harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. Colossians 3:14-15a


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7/30/15 5:17 P

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What would you want to be doing if you were going to meet God today, then do it everyday.


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7/30/15 1:28 A

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A man goes into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his neck, of course the doctor asks what happened to him.
"Well, it pretty much goes like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my dear wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows."

"We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Holy cow, Doris, this looks like yours!'"

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7/29/15 5:55 P

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emoticon all of them.

Linda


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7/29/15 5:46 P

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What would you want to be doing if you were going to meet God today, then do it everyday.


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7/29/15 9:42 A

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What animal has more lives than a cat?


A frog. It croaks every night. emoticon

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7/29/15 6:54 A

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One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.

The diver went below another 20 ft, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, and wrote, "How the hell are you able to stay under this deep
without equipment?"

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'M DROWNING, YOU MORON!!!"

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7/28/15 5:46 P

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If you have the right to freedom of speech, then use your voice to speak out for those who do not.



What would you want to be doing if you were going to meet God today, then do it everyday.


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An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the center of the tomb there’s a lamp. He picks it up, and as he starts to rub the dirt off of it, a genie comes out of the lamp and says, “I want to know the person you hate the most.”

The explorer says, “That’s gotta be my ex-wife. Why?”

“I am a cursed genie. I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will get double that amount.”

“Okay, I wish for a billion dollars.”

“Granted, but your ex-wife gets two billion dollars.”

“I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis courts, everything.”

“Granted, and your ex-wife gets two. Now make your final wish.”

The explorer walks around for a few minutes, returns to the genie with a stick, and says:

“You see this stick? I’d like you to beat me half to death with it.”



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If you have the right to freedom of speech, then use your voice to speak out for those who do not.



What would you want to be doing if you were going to meet God today, then do it everyday.


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FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 39,621
7/27/15 7:44 A

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A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair... then sliding a little more... until he was almost under the table. The baffling thing is, the woman with him stared straight ahead and didn't seem to notice!

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the woman "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table..."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."



Edited by: FLOWERDALEJEWEL at: 7/27/2015 (07:44)
Peace and long life - Jules

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7/26/15 6:20 P

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If you have the right to freedom of speech, then use your voice to speak out for those who do not.



What would you want to be doing if you were going to meet God today, then do it everyday.


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FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 39,621
7/26/15 5:52 A

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The nurse asked a patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor.

"In..in front of you?" He mumbles, shy.

The nurse says: "Don't worry, I've seen the naked human body before. The man said, "Not one like mine. You'd die laughing at my naked body."

"Of course I won't laugh!" said the Nurse to the patient, "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said the patient, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing a huge male body with the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life. In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.

And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's private part, she composed herself as well as she could.

"I am so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Bob replied.

She ran out of the room.

Peace and long life - Jules

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7/25/15 7:59 P

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Linda


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7/25/15 5:51 P

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Good ones ladies! emoticon

If you have the right to freedom of speech, then use your voice to speak out for those who do not.



What would you want to be doing if you were going to meet God today, then do it everyday.


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JANEGIBE's Photo JANEGIBE Posts: 5,945
7/25/15 2:57 P

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STRESS DIET


This is a specially formulated diet designed to help women cope with the stress that builds up during the day.

Breakfast

1 grapefruit
1 slice whole-wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

Lunch

Small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Hershey kiss

Afternoon Tea

The rest of the kisses in the bag
1 tub of Hagen Daas ice cream with choc-chip topping

Dinner

4 bottles of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza
3 Snickers bars

Late Night Snack

Whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

Remember: Stressed spelled backwards is desserts!



- AUTHOR UNKNOWN -


He is still working on me,, To Him I give any Glory to all those who have Prayed and helped.. The sweetest thing to receive is Friendship.. a famous man of God Once said.. Faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole stair case.. Anyone..? Know..? MLK
youtu.be/nO4uIyz_d90
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Learn to laugh and live cause if the trumpet sounds I am outta here...
FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 39,621
7/25/15 7:22 A

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Been missing for a while Jane, sorry leaving the fun all to you emoticon


Do you know what you call a hundred rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hare line.
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7/24/15 10:56 A

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Redneck Church

You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," four guys stand up.

You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... on the opening day of deer season the church is closed.

You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of"

You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub.

You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... the collection plates are really hubcaps from a 1956 Chevy pick up truck.

You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.

You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ... "Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.

You know You're in a Redneck Church if ... the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear."

Index

He is still working on me,, To Him I give any Glory to all those who have Prayed and helped.. The sweetest thing to receive is Friendship.. a famous man of God Once said.. Faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole stair case.. Anyone..? Know..? MLK
youtu.be/nO4uIyz_d90
I am still standing
Jonh 3:16
Learn to laugh and live cause if the trumpet sounds I am outta here...
JANEGIBE's Photo JANEGIBE Posts: 5,945
7/24/15 10:56 A

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Jewel You are nuts.. Love you... emoticon

He is still working on me,, To Him I give any Glory to all those who have Prayed and helped.. The sweetest thing to receive is Friendship.. a famous man of God Once said.. Faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole stair case.. Anyone..? Know..? MLK
youtu.be/nO4uIyz_d90
I am still standing
Jonh 3:16
Learn to laugh and live cause if the trumpet sounds I am outta here...
FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 39,621
7/24/15 9:19 A

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Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."

Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."

Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.

First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish - let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a BULL."


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7/23/15 8:23 P

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If you have the right to freedom of speech, then use your voice to speak out for those who do not.



What would you want to be doing if you were going to meet God today, then do it everyday.


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JANEGIBE's Photo JANEGIBE Posts: 5,945
7/22/15 10:46 P

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I guess they posted it.. That is funny.. I may have to send it to my Cousins that Teach in CA at the Catholic School.. Thanks for the laugh...

He is still working on me,, To Him I give any Glory to all those who have Prayed and helped.. The sweetest thing to receive is Friendship.. a famous man of God Once said.. Faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole stair case.. Anyone..? Know..? MLK
youtu.be/nO4uIyz_d90
I am still standing
Jonh 3:16
Learn to laugh and live cause if the trumpet sounds I am outta here...
PANDABEAR42's Photo PANDABEAR42 SparkPoints: (51,767)
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7/22/15 10:16 P

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Lipstick on the Mirror

According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them; and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally, the principal, Sister Mary Double Genuflection With The Blessed Sacrament Exposed, decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian, who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Mary Double Genuflection asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.



the most important piece of clothing you must wear is love. Love is what binds us all together in harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. Colossians 3:14-15a


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7/22/15 5:34 P

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emoticon

If you have the right to freedom of speech, then use your voice to speak out for those who do not.



What would you want to be doing if you were going to meet God today, then do it everyday.


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JANEGIBE's Photo JANEGIBE Posts: 5,945
7/22/15 10:54 A

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The Dachshund



A little boy was entertaining the minister the other day until his mother could complete her toilet. The minister, to make congenial conversation, inquired: "Have you a dog?"

"Yes, sir; a dachshund," responded the lad.

"Where is he?" questioned the Dominic, knowing the way to a boy's heart.

"Father sends him away for the winter. He says it takes him so long to go in and out of the door he cools the whole house off."

He is still working on me,, To Him I give any Glory to all those who have Prayed and helped.. The sweetest thing to receive is Friendship.. a famous man of God Once said.. Faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole stair case.. Anyone..? Know..? MLK
youtu.be/nO4uIyz_d90
I am still standing
Jonh 3:16
Learn to laugh and live cause if the trumpet sounds I am outta here...
JANEGIBE's Photo JANEGIBE Posts: 5,945
7/22/15 9:59 A

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The Farmer and the Pig


A farmer and his pig were driving down the road when a cop pulled him over. The cop asked the farmer, "Didn't you know it is against the law to ride with a pig in the front of you truck?"

The farmer replied, "No, I didn't know that." The cop asked the farmer where he was going and he said, "To Memphis".

The cop said, "I will let you off the hook this time if you promise to take the pig to the zoo when you get to Memphis." So the farmer promised he would.

Several days later the cop spotted the farmer with the pig driving down the road and he pulled him over again. The cop said "I thought I told you to take this pig to the zoo when you got to Memphis."

The farmer replied, "I did and we had so much fun, I taking him to Kings Island now".

He is still working on me,, To Him I give any Glory to all those who have Prayed and helped.. The sweetest thing to receive is Friendship.. a famous man of God Once said.. Faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole stair case.. Anyone..? Know..? MLK
youtu.be/nO4uIyz_d90
I am still standing
Jonh 3:16
Learn to laugh and live cause if the trumpet sounds I am outta here...
JEANNETTE59 SparkPoints: (251,483)
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7/21/15 6:24 P

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Good ones, Jane! I especially loved the "B.C." correspondence emoticon

If you have the right to freedom of speech, then use your voice to speak out for those who do not.



What would you want to be doing if you were going to meet God today, then do it everyday.


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PROPMAN1 Posts: 3,123
7/21/15 11:38 A

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Never Give Up! Never Surrender!


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7/21/15 11:29 A

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Practical Lesson

On Sunday morning, the preacher brings in 4 covered jars with one live worm in each. In one he poured whiskey, in one he poured liquid chocolate, in the third one he poured cigarette smoke and in the fourth one he threw in dirt. Result was nothing unusual. Worms in first three jars died. He then looked at the congregation and said, "I don't have to tell much. I believe you have learnt a clear lesson". Then he pointed at a little girl and asked,"Sweetheart, can you tell what have you learnt?". Without any hesitation she said,"If you drink, smoke and eat chocolate you'll never have worms".


He is still working on me,, To Him I give any Glory to all those who have Prayed and helped.. The sweetest thing to receive is Friendship.. a famous man of God Once said.. Faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole stair case.. Anyone..? Know..? MLK
youtu.be/nO4uIyz_d90
I am still standing
Jonh 3:16
Learn to laugh and live cause if the trumpet sounds I am outta here...
PROPMAN1 Posts: 3,123
7/21/15 9:47 A

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emoticon Bet this very proper lady fainted when she read the last paragraph. emoticon

Never Give Up! Never Surrender!


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7/21/15 9:38 A

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Too good not to finish... Make sure you know what someone is talking about...

Where is the BC


A rather old fashioned lady was planning a couple of weeks vacation in Florida. She also was quite delicate and elegant with her language. She wrote a letter to a particular campground and asked for reservations. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped but didn't know quite how to ask about the "toilet" facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter.

After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old fashioned term "Bathroom Commode," but when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again; rewrote the entire letter and referred to the "Bathroom Commode" simply as the "B.C.". Does the campground have its own "B.C.?" is what she actually wrote.

Well, the campground owner wasn't old fashioned at all, and when he got the letter, he couldn't figure out what the lady was talking about. That "B.C." really stumped him.

After worrying about it for several days, he showed the letter to other campers, but they couldn't figure out what the lady meant either. The campground owner finally came to the conclusion that the lady was and must be asking about the location of the local Baptist Church.

So he sat down and wrote the following reply:

"Dear Madam:

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure of informing in that the "B.C." is located nine miles north of the camp site and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance way if you are in the habit of going regularly but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along, and make a day of it..... They usually arrive early and stay late.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now, there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats.....They plan to hold the supper in the middle of the B.C., so everyone can watch and talk about this great event.....

I would like to say it pains me very much, not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely not for lack of desire on my part....As we grow older, it seems to be more and more of an effort, particularly in cold weather..... If you decide to come down to the campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go...sit with you...and introduce you to all the other folks..... This is really a very friendly community.....

He is still working on me,, To Him I give any Glory to all those who have Prayed and helped.. The sweetest thing to receive is Friendship.. a famous man of God Once said.. Faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole stair case.. Anyone..? Know..? MLK
youtu.be/nO4uIyz_d90
I am still standing
Jonh 3:16
Learn to laugh and live cause if the trumpet sounds I am outta here...
JANEGIBE's Photo JANEGIBE Posts: 5,945
7/20/15 1:12 P

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Yup... Remember.. you may not be this old.. but Art Linkletter had a show called.. Kids say the Darnedest Things.. look it up on Youtube...

He is still working on me,, To Him I give any Glory to all those who have Prayed and helped.. The sweetest thing to receive is Friendship.. a famous man of God Once said.. Faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole stair case.. Anyone..? Know..? MLK
youtu.be/nO4uIyz_d90
I am still standing
Jonh 3:16
Learn to laugh and live cause if the trumpet sounds I am outta here...
PROPMAN1 Posts: 3,123
7/20/15 11:10 A

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Leave it to a child. :)

Never Give Up! Never Surrender!


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7/20/15 7:31 A

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Snow in Her Hair


One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks,

"Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied,

"Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said,

"So, Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

He is still working on me,, To Him I give any Glory to all those who have Prayed and helped.. The sweetest thing to receive is Friendship.. a famous man of God Once said.. Faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole stair case.. Anyone..? Know..? MLK
youtu.be/nO4uIyz_d90
I am still standing
Jonh 3:16
Learn to laugh and live cause if the trumpet sounds I am outta here...
JANEGIBE's Photo JANEGIBE Posts: 5,945
7/19/15 5:39 P

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That was a good one... emoticon

He is still working on me,, To Him I give any Glory to all those who have Prayed and helped.. The sweetest thing to receive is Friendship.. a famous man of God Once said.. Faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole stair case.. Anyone..? Know..? MLK
youtu.be/nO4uIyz_d90
I am still standing
Jonh 3:16
Learn to laugh and live cause if the trumpet sounds I am outta here...
JEANNETTE59 SparkPoints: (251,483)
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7/19/15 2:41 P

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emoticon Good ones ladies!

If you have the right to freedom of speech, then use your voice to speak out for those who do not.



What would you want to be doing if you were going to meet God today, then do it everyday.


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7/19/15 1:56 P

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Ten Dollars


Every year, Smitty and his wife Martha went to the State Fair. And every year, Smitty would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year, Martha would reply, "I know, Smitty, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

This one year Smitty and Martha went to the fair and Smitty said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance. "

Martha replied, "Smitty, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Smitty and Martha agreed, and up they went.

The pilot performed all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He even does a nose dive, pulling up 15 feet above the ground, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Smitty, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Smitty replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, ...but ten dollars is ten dollars!"

He is still working on me,, To Him I give any Glory to all those who have Prayed and helped.. The sweetest thing to receive is Friendship.. a famous man of God Once said.. Faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole stair case.. Anyone..? Know..? MLK
youtu.be/nO4uIyz_d90
I am still standing
Jonh 3:16
Learn to laugh and live cause if the trumpet sounds I am outta here...
JANEGIBE's Photo JANEGIBE Posts: 5,945
7/19/15 1:20 P

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Grandma is Like God


My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"

You're both old," he replied.

He is still working on me,, To Him I give any Glory to all those who have Prayed and helped.. The sweetest thing to receive is Friendship.. a famous man of God Once said.. Faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole stair case.. Anyone..? Know..? MLK
youtu.be/nO4uIyz_d90
I am still standing
Jonh 3:16
Learn to laugh and live cause if the trumpet sounds I am outta here...
FERALAUNTIE's Photo FERALAUNTIE SparkPoints: (35,349)
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7/18/15 7:10 P

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I really like this one, I hope I did not copy someones joke from here.


Linda


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7/18/15 8:24 A

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Shirley & Marcy

A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. he didn't want her to walk with him, and she wanted to give him a feeling of independence. but she also wanted to know that he was safe.
When she expressed her concern to her neighbor, Shirley offered to follow him to school every morning for a while, staying at a distance so he wouldn't notice. Shirley said that since she was up early with her toddler anyways, it will be a good way for them to get some exercise.
All week long, Shirley and her daughter followed Timmy as he walked to school with another neighborhood girl.
As the two children walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's friend said,'Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?
Timmy replied, 'Yes, I know who she is. That's my mom's friend Shirley Goodnest and her little girl Marcy'.
Shirley Goodnest? Why is she following us?
Well, Timmy explained, every night my mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all days of my life. I guess I'll just have to get used to it.

He is still working on me,, To Him I give any Glory to all those who have Prayed and helped.. The sweetest thing to receive is Friendship.. a famous man of God Once said.. Faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole stair case.. Anyone..? Know..? MLK
youtu.be/nO4uIyz_d90
I am still standing
Jonh 3:16
Learn to laugh and live cause if the trumpet sounds I am outta here...
JEANNETTE59 SparkPoints: (251,483)
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7/17/15 3:32 P

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If you have the right to freedom of speech, then use your voice to speak out for those who do not.



What would you want to be doing if you were going to meet God today, then do it everyday.


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FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 39,621
7/17/15 5:48 A

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A couple were golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix!"

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said "I told you to watch out for the houses! All right, let's go up there, apologise and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door and heard a voice say "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me! I'm allowed to grant three wishes, and I'll give you each one wish and keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life!"

"No problem. It's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world!" she said.

"Consider it done!" the genie replied.

"And what's your wish genie, now that you're finally free?" asked the husband.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looked at the wife and said "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. Afterwards, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said "How old is your husband anyway?"

"38." she replied.

"And he still believes in genies?? That's amazing..."


Peace and long life - Jules

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JEANNETTE59 SparkPoints: (251,483)
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7/16/15 5:51 P

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If you have the right to freedom of speech, then use your voice to speak out for those who do not.



What would you want to be doing if you were going to meet God today, then do it everyday.


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CAT-IN-CJ's Photo CAT-IN-CJ SparkPoints: (87,317)
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7/16/15 10:18 A

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that's a good one!

Cat

It's never too late to live happily ever after!
JANEGIBE's Photo JANEGIBE Posts: 5,945
7/16/15 9:16 A

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When I grow up.

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister When I grow up."

"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"

"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."


He is still working on me,, To Him I give any Glory to all those who have Prayed and helped.. The sweetest thing to receive is Friendship.. a famous man of God Once said.. Faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole stair case.. Anyone..? Know..? MLK
youtu.be/nO4uIyz_d90
I am still standing
Jonh 3:16
Learn to laugh and live cause if the trumpet sounds I am outta here...
FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 39,621
7/16/15 8:17 A

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And now for a truly politically incorrect joke:


Why do midgets laugh while they run?

Because the grass tickles their nuts.

Peace and long life - Jules

Team Leader Rescued/Adopted Dog and Cat Lover's Team

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JEANNETTE59 SparkPoints: (251,483)
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7/15/15 5:23 P

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If you have the right to freedom of speech, then use your voice to speak out for those who do not.



What would you want to be doing if you were going to meet God today, then do it everyday.


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JANEGIBE's Photo JANEGIBE Posts: 5,945
7/15/15 10:28 A

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Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone. "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"

"It is"

"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"

"I can"

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

"I do"

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is"

"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"

"He will".


He is still working on me,, To Him I give any Glory to all those who have Prayed and helped.. The sweetest thing to receive is Friendship.. a famous man of God Once said.. Faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole stair case.. Anyone..? Know..? MLK
youtu.be/nO4uIyz_d90
I am still standing
Jonh 3:16
Learn to laugh and live cause if the trumpet sounds I am outta here...
JEANNETTE59 SparkPoints: (251,483)
Fitness Minutes: (224,732)
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7/14/15 6:10 P

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emoticon Love the revised song titles!

If you have the right to freedom of speech, then use your voice to speak out for those who do not.



What would you want to be doing if you were going to meet God today, then do it everyday.


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FERALAUNTIE's Photo FERALAUNTIE SparkPoints: (35,349)
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7/14/15 5:38 P

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Linda


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JANEGIBE's Photo JANEGIBE Posts: 5,945
7/14/15 8:15 A

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Funeral

A minister looked out the window into his back yard to see his son and two friends about to bury a dead robin they found. They had put the robin into a small box and padded the inside with cotton. As they lowered the box into the ground, the boy repeated what he though he heard his father say many times. "Glory be unto the Father, and unto to the Son, and into the ground he goes."

He is still working on me,, To Him I give any Glory to all those who have Prayed and helped.. The sweetest thing to receive is Friendship.. a famous man of God Once said.. Faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole stair case.. Anyone..? Know..? MLK
youtu.be/nO4uIyz_d90
I am still standing
Jonh 3:16
Learn to laugh and live cause if the trumpet sounds I am outta here...
JANEGIBE's Photo JANEGIBE Posts: 5,945
7/13/15 7:35 P

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Revision of 60s and 70s songs...

They just don't make the songs like they used to any more!!!!!!!

Some of the artists of the 60's and 70's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who can remember doing the "Limbo" as if it were yesterday. They include:
Bobby Darin - Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash
Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker
Ringo Starr - I Get By With A Little Help From Depends
The Bee Gees - How Can You Mend A Broken Hip
Roberta Flack - The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
Johnny Nash - I Can't See Clearly Now
Paul Simon - Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver
The Commodores - Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom
Procol Harem - A Whiter Shade Of Hair
Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Napping
The Temptations - Papa's Got A Kidney Stone
Abba - Denture Queen
Tony Orlando - Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall
Helen Reddy - I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore
Leslie Gore - It's My Procedure, And I'll Cry If I Want To
And Last but NOT least...
Willie Nelson - On the Commode Again

He is still working on me,, To Him I give any Glory to all those who have Prayed and helped.. The sweetest thing to receive is Friendship.. a famous man of God Once said.. Faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole stair case.. Anyone..? Know..? MLK
youtu.be/nO4uIyz_d90
I am still standing
Jonh 3:16
Learn to laugh and live cause if the trumpet sounds I am outta here...
FERALAUNTIE's Photo FERALAUNTIE SparkPoints: (35,349)
Fitness Minutes: (28,602)
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7/12/15 7:58 P

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All great!!

Linda


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JEANNETTE59 SparkPoints: (251,483)
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7/12/15 4:41 P

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If you have the right to freedom of speech, then use your voice to speak out for those who do not.



What would you want to be doing if you were going to meet God today, then do it everyday.


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JANEGIBE's Photo JANEGIBE Posts: 5,945
7/12/15 7:42 A

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Where Are You Going


Grandma and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days". Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"

Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his. With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"

Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek. Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?" Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"

Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"

He is still working on me,, To Him I give any Glory to all those who have Prayed and helped.. The sweetest thing to receive is Friendship.. a famous man of God Once said.. Faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole stair case.. Anyone..? Know..? MLK
youtu.be/nO4uIyz_d90
I am still standing
Jonh 3:16
Learn to laugh and live cause if the trumpet sounds I am outta here...
FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 39,621
7/12/15 6:59 A

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It was George the Mailman’s last day.

As he did his final rounds, he reached the door of the first house and was greeted by a elderly couple who gave him a gift certificate. At the next house, the entire family gave him a set of fishing lures, and at the third house he received a box of fine cigars.

But at the next house he was greeted by a sexy blonde wearing a skimpy negligee. Without a word, she signaled him to come inside. She gently took him upstairs and proceeded to make mad passionate love to him. George certainly didn't mind.

She then led him downstairs where she made him a huge breakfast of toast, sausage, eggs and hashbrowns. George was truly satisified. As he leaned forward to get his second cup of coffee, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup.

Curious, he asks the blonde, ”This is all wonderful and I appreciate

everything..but…what’s the dollar for?”

“Oh,” says the blonde, “I asked my husband last night what we should give you for your retirement. He said ‘Screw him! give him a dollar!’

She beamed at him. "The breakfast part was my idea!”

Peace and long life - Jules

Team Leader Rescued/Adopted Dog and Cat Lover's Team

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ndividual.asp?gid=39487


Team Leader SLIGHTLY SKEWED & A Little Warped Team

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JEANNETTE59 SparkPoints: (251,483)
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7/11/15 7:53 P

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If you have the right to freedom of speech, then use your voice to speak out for those who do not.



What would you want to be doing if you were going to meet God today, then do it everyday.


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JANEGIBE's Photo JANEGIBE Posts: 5,945
7/11/15 1:03 P

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Heads Are Tough


Joe and Jim were out cutting wood, and Jim cut his arm off. Joe wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took Jim to a surgeon.

The surgeon said "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in 5 hours." So Joe left and when he returned in 5 hours the surgeon said "I got done quicker than I expected. Jim is down at the pub." Joe went to he pub and there was Jim, throwing darts.

A few weeks later, Joe and Jim were cutting wood again, and Jim cut his leg off. Joe put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and Jim back to the surgeon.

The surgeon said "No problem, but legs are a little tougher. Come back in 8 hours." Joe left and when he came back in 6 hours the surgeon said "I finished early, Jim's down at the soccer field." Joe went down to the soccer field and there was Jim, kicking goals.

A few weeks later, Jim had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Joe put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of Jim to the surgeon.

The surgeon looked at the situation and said "Gosh, heads are really tough. Come back on 12 hours." So Joe left and when he returned in twelve hours the surgeon said regretfully "I'm sorry, Jim died."

Joe said "I understand - heads are tough."

The surgeon said, "Oh no! The surgery went fine! Jim suffocated in that plastic bag."

He is still working on me,, To Him I give any Glory to all those who have Prayed and helped.. The sweetest thing to receive is Friendship.. a famous man of God Once said.. Faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole stair case.. Anyone..? Know..? MLK
youtu.be/nO4uIyz_d90
I am still standing
Jonh 3:16
Learn to laugh and live cause if the trumpet sounds I am outta here...
JANEGIBE's Photo JANEGIBE Posts: 5,945
7/11/15 1:01 P

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Good one ..

He is still working on me,, To Him I give any Glory to all those who have Prayed and helped.. The sweetest thing to receive is Friendship.. a famous man of God Once said.. Faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole stair case.. Anyone..? Know..? MLK
youtu.be/nO4uIyz_d90
I am still standing
Jonh 3:16
Learn to laugh and live cause if the trumpet sounds I am outta here...
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