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JANEGIBE's Photo JANEGIBE Posts: 5,612
7/5/15 2:28 P

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Have you ever had... A Really Bad Day. There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

He is still working on me,, To Him I give any Glory to all those who have Prayed and helped.. The sweetest thing to receive is Friendship.. a famous man of God Once said.. Faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole stair case.. Anyone..? Know..? MLK
youtu.be/nO4uIyz_d90
I am still standing
Jonh 3:16
Learn to laugh and live cause if the trumpet sounds I am outta here...
JANEGIBE's Photo JANEGIBE Posts: 5,612
7/5/15 2:26 P

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A BEAUTIFUL MESSAGE ABOUT GROWING OLD: Well, crap... Now I forgot what it was.

Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.
Mae West

Seize the moment. Remember all the women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.
Erma Bombeck

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.
Yogi Berra

He is still working on me,, To Him I give any Glory to all those who have Prayed and helped.. The sweetest thing to receive is Friendship.. a famous man of God Once said.. Faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole stair case.. Anyone..? Know..? MLK
youtu.be/nO4uIyz_d90
I am still standing
Jonh 3:16
Learn to laugh and live cause if the trumpet sounds I am outta here...
FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 39,273
7/5/15 10:01 A

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Long ago there was a man who had a 25 inch penis. After consulting many people and finding no solution to his big problem, he decided to consult with a local witch.

Once with the witch he said, ''I need your help. My penis is so big it's hard for me to find women who can accommodate me. Can you help me?"

The witch said, "Go to the forest, in the middle of it you'll find a frog, ask it to marry you. It is a cursed frog, and every time it says no, the curse will cause your penis to shrink 5 inches, which in your case is actually a blessing!"

So he left to the forest and after hours of walking he found the frog, he knelt down and asked the frog to marry him.

The frog said, "No." frog

Then his penis shrunk five inches.

He asked the frog again, "Will you marry me?" And again, the frog said, "No."

And it shrunk another five inches.

Then he thought, "15 inches is still too big. I'll ask it again. Ten inches will be fine."

So he asked the frog one more time, "Will you marry me?"

The frog looked up at him in disgust and said, "I told you: No, no, and NO!"



Edited by: FLOWERDALEJEWEL at: 7/5/2015 (10:10)
Peace and long life - Jules

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JEANNETTE59 SparkPoints: (241,551)
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7/4/15 7:04 P

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emoticon emoticon

If you have the right to freedom of speech, then use your voice to speak out for those who do not.



What would you want to be doing if you were going to meet God today, then do it everyday.


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FERALAUNTIE's Photo FERALAUNTIE SparkPoints: (28,532)
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7/4/15 4:44 P

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Linda


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JANEGIBE's Photo JANEGIBE Posts: 5,612
7/4/15 12:09 P

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On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside Heaven’s gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don’t know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sits for a couple of months and begins to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. “What if it doesn’t work out?” they wonder. “Are we stuck together forever?” St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes,"he informs the couple. "You can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground! "What’s wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Come on!" St. Peter exclaims. "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’s going to take me to find a lawyer!?"

He is still working on me,, To Him I give any Glory to all those who have Prayed and helped.. The sweetest thing to receive is Friendship.. a famous man of God Once said.. Faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole stair case.. Anyone..? Know..? MLK
youtu.be/nO4uIyz_d90
I am still standing
Jonh 3:16
Learn to laugh and live cause if the trumpet sounds I am outta here...
JANEGIBE's Photo JANEGIBE Posts: 5,612
7/4/15 12:08 P

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A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it." After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut." The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair!", to which is father replied, "Yes, you're right, and they also WALKED every where they went!"

He is still working on me,, To Him I give any Glory to all those who have Prayed and helped.. The sweetest thing to receive is Friendship.. a famous man of God Once said.. Faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole stair case.. Anyone..? Know..? MLK
youtu.be/nO4uIyz_d90
I am still standing
Jonh 3:16
Learn to laugh and live cause if the trumpet sounds I am outta here...
JEANNETTE59 SparkPoints: (241,551)
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7/2/15 5:54 P

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If you have the right to freedom of speech, then use your voice to speak out for those who do not.



What would you want to be doing if you were going to meet God today, then do it everyday.


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FERALAUNTIE's Photo FERALAUNTIE SparkPoints: (28,532)
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7/2/15 5:02 P

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Jane, Jules, emoticon

Linda


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JANEGIBE's Photo JANEGIBE Posts: 5,612
7/2/15 12:25 P

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Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting...
there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code):

• ATD: At The Doctor's
• BFF: Best Friend Fainted
• BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
• BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
• CBM: Covered By Medicare
• CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
• DWI: Driving While Incontinent
• FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
• FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
• FYI: Found Your Insulin

He is still working on me,, To Him I give any Glory to all those who have Prayed and helped.. The sweetest thing to receive is Friendship.. a famous man of God Once said.. Faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole stair case.. Anyone..? Know..? MLK
youtu.be/nO4uIyz_d90
I am still standing
Jonh 3:16
Learn to laugh and live cause if the trumpet sounds I am outta here...
JANEGIBE's Photo JANEGIBE Posts: 5,612
7/2/15 12:24 P

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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.''

He is still working on me,, To Him I give any Glory to all those who have Prayed and helped.. The sweetest thing to receive is Friendship.. a famous man of God Once said.. Faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole stair case.. Anyone..? Know..? MLK
youtu.be/nO4uIyz_d90
I am still standing
Jonh 3:16
Learn to laugh and live cause if the trumpet sounds I am outta here...
PROPMAN1 Posts: 2,924
7/2/15 7:44 A

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emoticon Good one.

Never Give Up! Never Surrender!


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FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 39,273
7/2/15 5:00 A

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Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of a parochial school in a very advanced state of agitation. “Father!” she cried, “just wait until you hear this!”

The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, “Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?”

“Well, Father” the nun began, “I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!”

“A serious infraction, indeed!” said the priest.

“But that’s not what has me so shocked, Father,” replied the nun, “it was what they were wagering on! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!”

“What an incredible wager!” exclaimed the priest, “What did you do?”

“Well, I hit the ceiling, father.”

To which the priest replied, “How much did you win?”

Peace and long life - Jules

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JEANNETTE59 SparkPoints: (241,551)
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7/1/15 4:20 P

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If you have the right to freedom of speech, then use your voice to speak out for those who do not.



What would you want to be doing if you were going to meet God today, then do it everyday.


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PROPMAN1 Posts: 2,924
7/1/15 1:31 P

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emoticon Ha-ha-ha! emoticon

Never Give Up! Never Surrender!


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JANEGIBE's Photo JANEGIBE Posts: 5,612
7/1/15 12:19 P

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The Woman of His Dreams


A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your place for a home-cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.

"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.

"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.

"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook."

He is still working on me,, To Him I give any Glory to all those who have Prayed and helped.. The sweetest thing to receive is Friendship.. a famous man of God Once said.. Faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole stair case.. Anyone..? Know..? MLK
youtu.be/nO4uIyz_d90
I am still standing
Jonh 3:16
Learn to laugh and live cause if the trumpet sounds I am outta here...
PANDABEAR42's Photo PANDABEAR42 SparkPoints: (46,109)
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7/1/15 12:03 A

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the most important piece of clothing you must wear is love. Love is what binds us all together in harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. Colossians 3:14-15a


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PROPMAN1 Posts: 2,924
6/30/15 12:34 P

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Never Give Up! Never Surrender!


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JANEGIBE's Photo JANEGIBE Posts: 5,612
6/30/15 12:27 P

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Little Lady I posted this cause I think your all over 18 if your not click off..

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.
Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

He is still working on me,, To Him I give any Glory to all those who have Prayed and helped.. The sweetest thing to receive is Friendship.. a famous man of God Once said.. Faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole stair case.. Anyone..? Know..? MLK
youtu.be/nO4uIyz_d90
I am still standing
Jonh 3:16
Learn to laugh and live cause if the trumpet sounds I am outta here...
JANEGIBE's Photo JANEGIBE Posts: 5,612
6/30/15 12:26 P

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Remember This: a word from a Oldie but Goodie to you youngins..

You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing.

He is still working on me,, To Him I give any Glory to all those who have Prayed and helped.. The sweetest thing to receive is Friendship.. a famous man of God Once said.. Faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole stair case.. Anyone..? Know..? MLK
youtu.be/nO4uIyz_d90
I am still standing
Jonh 3:16
Learn to laugh and live cause if the trumpet sounds I am outta here...
JEANNETTE59 SparkPoints: (241,551)
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6/29/15 7:06 P

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If you have the right to freedom of speech, then use your voice to speak out for those who do not.



What would you want to be doing if you were going to meet God today, then do it everyday.


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PANDABEAR42's Photo PANDABEAR42 SparkPoints: (46,109)
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6/29/15 12:04 P

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the most important piece of clothing you must wear is love. Love is what binds us all together in harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. Colossians 3:14-15a


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PROPMAN1 Posts: 2,924
6/29/15 11:49 A

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Never Give Up! Never Surrender!


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JANEGIBE's Photo JANEGIBE Posts: 5,612
6/29/15 11:10 A

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The wish

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies.
They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says......
"Make 'em all ugly again"

He is still working on me,, To Him I give any Glory to all those who have Prayed and helped.. The sweetest thing to receive is Friendship.. a famous man of God Once said.. Faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole stair case.. Anyone..? Know..? MLK
youtu.be/nO4uIyz_d90
I am still standing
Jonh 3:16
Learn to laugh and live cause if the trumpet sounds I am outta here...
FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 39,273
6/29/15 6:19 A

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Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.'




Peace and long life - Jules

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JANEGIBE's Photo JANEGIBE Posts: 5,612
6/28/15 7:07 P

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Ole was so excited to get a new cell phone, he decided to call when he was on his way home from town. He thumbed Lena's number as he turned on to the freeway.

"Lena put supper on, I'm on my vay home.

Lena says, "Be careful because I hear some nut is driving da wrong vay on da freeway."

"It's worse den dat Lena: where I'm at dare are a hundred cars going da wrong vay!"

He is still working on me,, To Him I give any Glory to all those who have Prayed and helped.. The sweetest thing to receive is Friendship.. a famous man of God Once said.. Faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole stair case.. Anyone..? Know..? MLK
youtu.be/nO4uIyz_d90
I am still standing
Jonh 3:16
Learn to laugh and live cause if the trumpet sounds I am outta here...
JEANNETTE59 SparkPoints: (241,551)
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6/28/15 7:03 P

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emoticon

If you have the right to freedom of speech, then use your voice to speak out for those who do not.



What would you want to be doing if you were going to meet God today, then do it everyday.


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JANEGIBE's Photo JANEGIBE Posts: 5,612
6/28/15 11:16 A

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I was out walking with my 4-year-old granddaughter.
She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth.
I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my granddaughter asked.
"Because it's been on the ground. You don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs," I replied.
At this point, my granddaughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Grandma, how do you know all this stuff?
“You are so smart.”
I was thinking quickly, "All Grandmas know this stuff. It's on the Grandma Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Grandma."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
"Oh...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test, you have to be the Grandpa."
"Exactly," I replied.

He is still working on me,, To Him I give any Glory to all those who have Prayed and helped.. The sweetest thing to receive is Friendship.. a famous man of God Once said.. Faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole stair case.. Anyone..? Know..? MLK
youtu.be/nO4uIyz_d90
I am still standing
Jonh 3:16
Learn to laugh and live cause if the trumpet sounds I am outta here...
JANEGIBE's Photo JANEGIBE Posts: 5,612
6/27/15 12:12 P

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A Quarter For Jesus?

Several years ago, a preacher from out-of-state accepted a call to a church in Houston , Texas . Some weeks after he arrived, he had an occasion to ride the bus from his home to the downtown area. When he sat down, he discovered that the driver had accidentally given him a quarter too much change.. As he considered what to do, he thought to himself, 'You'd better give the quarter back. It would be wrong to keep it.' Then he thought, 'Oh, forget it, it's only a quarter. Who would worry about this little amount? Anyway, the bus company gets too much fare; they will never miss it. Accept it as a 'gift from God' and keep quiet.'

When his stop came, he paused momentarily at the door, and then he handed the quarter to the driver and said, 'Here, you gave me too much change ..'

The driver, with a smile, replied, 'Aren't you the new preacher in town?'
'Yes' he replied.

'Well, I have been thinking a lot lately about going somewhere to worship. I just wanted to see what you would do if I gave you too much change. I'll see you at church on Sunday.'

When the preacher stepped off of the bus, he literally grabbed the nearest light pole, held on, and said, 'Oh God, I almost sold your Son for a quarter.'

Our lives are the only Bible some people will ever read. This is a really scary example of how much people watch us as Christians, and will put us to the test! Always be on guard -- and remember -- You carry the name of Christ on your shoulders when you call yourself 'Christian.'

Watch your thoughts ; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits..
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.



Being a Christian is a whole lot like being on Candid Camera. When you least expect it, expect it!

He is still working on me,, To Him I give any Glory to all those who have Prayed and helped.. The sweetest thing to receive is Friendship.. a famous man of God Once said.. Faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole stair case.. Anyone..? Know..? MLK
youtu.be/nO4uIyz_d90
I am still standing
Jonh 3:16
Learn to laugh and live cause if the trumpet sounds I am outta here...
PROPMAN1 Posts: 2,924
6/26/15 2:37 P

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Amen and Thank you. emoticon

Never Give Up! Never Surrender!


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JANEGIBE's Photo JANEGIBE Posts: 5,612
6/26/15 2:34 P

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Senility Prayer:

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
____________________

He is still working on me,, To Him I give any Glory to all those who have Prayed and helped.. The sweetest thing to receive is Friendship.. a famous man of God Once said.. Faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole stair case.. Anyone..? Know..? MLK
youtu.be/nO4uIyz_d90
I am still standing
Jonh 3:16
Learn to laugh and live cause if the trumpet sounds I am outta here...
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6/25/15 6:53 P

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emoticon Dirty old man heard what he wanted to hear.

Linda


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6/25/15 10:44 A

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Never Give Up! Never Surrender!


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6/25/15 9:01 A

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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said,
"You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."

He is still working on me,, To Him I give any Glory to all those who have Prayed and helped.. The sweetest thing to receive is Friendship.. a famous man of God Once said.. Faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole stair case.. Anyone..? Know..? MLK
youtu.be/nO4uIyz_d90
I am still standing
Jonh 3:16
Learn to laugh and live cause if the trumpet sounds I am outta here...
JEANNETTE59 SparkPoints: (241,551)
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6/24/15 6:05 P

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emoticon Jane

If you have the right to freedom of speech, then use your voice to speak out for those who do not.



What would you want to be doing if you were going to meet God today, then do it everyday.


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6/24/15 5:42 P

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Both are great!! emoticon X 2

Linda


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6/24/15 4:57 P

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OK Jewel.. You got me beat today...

He is still working on me,, To Him I give any Glory to all those who have Prayed and helped.. The sweetest thing to receive is Friendship.. a famous man of God Once said.. Faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole stair case.. Anyone..? Know..? MLK
youtu.be/nO4uIyz_d90
I am still standing
Jonh 3:16
Learn to laugh and live cause if the trumpet sounds I am outta here...
JANEGIBE's Photo JANEGIBE Posts: 5,612
6/24/15 4:56 P

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Two senior citizens are pushing their carts around Walmart, looking left and right, when they collide head-on.
The first guy says to the second guy,"Sorry about that.
I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The second old guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too.
I can’t find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her.
What does she look like?"
"Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"
"She can wait. Let's look for yours."

He is still working on me,, To Him I give any Glory to all those who have Prayed and helped.. The sweetest thing to receive is Friendship.. a famous man of God Once said.. Faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole stair case.. Anyone..? Know..? MLK
youtu.be/nO4uIyz_d90
I am still standing
Jonh 3:16
Learn to laugh and live cause if the trumpet sounds I am outta here...
JEANNETTE59 SparkPoints: (241,551)
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6/24/15 4:46 P

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emoticon I totally did not see that coming!

If you have the right to freedom of speech, then use your voice to speak out for those who do not.



What would you want to be doing if you were going to meet God today, then do it everyday.


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6/24/15 10:13 A

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Jules, LOL!!!

Linda


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emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,'How does that feel'?

He replied:

'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'

Peace and long life - Jules

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6/23/15 5:01 P

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Linda


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emoticon Wasn't at all what was expected. emoticon

Never Give Up! Never Surrender!


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There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?'

She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you poop on its head.'

He is still working on me,, To Him I give any Glory to all those who have Prayed and helped.. The sweetest thing to receive is Friendship.. a famous man of God Once said.. Faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole stair case.. Anyone..? Know..? MLK
youtu.be/nO4uIyz_d90
I am still standing
Jonh 3:16
Learn to laugh and live cause if the trumpet sounds I am outta here...
PROPMAN1 Posts: 2,924
6/23/15 9:35 A

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Never Give Up! Never Surrender!


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6/23/15 8:06 A

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Hahaha, sorry I've been missing for the last couple of days. Making people laugh is my lifes ambition, I love to laugh and see others laugh as well


I was walking out of the supermarket the other day and slid on some dog crap. While I was standing there trying to scrape it off my shoe and come to terms with what just happened to me a little old lady walked out through the door. She also slid in the dog crap. I looked at her and said, "I just did that".

She looked at me nasty like and said I ought to be ashamed of myself and called me a dirty hag.

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Peace and long life - Jules

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6/22/15 11:28 P

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Don't Think


A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, and inquiry begins. One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement. "Okay Simpson," says the investigator, "you were near the scene, what happened?"

"Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up."

"He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator said in stunned horror, "How long had he been with the company?"

"About 20 years, sir"

"20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done."

"It was, sir."

He is still working on me,, To Him I give any Glory to all those who have Prayed and helped.. The sweetest thing to receive is Friendship.. a famous man of God Once said.. Faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole stair case.. Anyone..? Know..? MLK
youtu.be/nO4uIyz_d90
I am still standing
Jonh 3:16
Learn to laugh and live cause if the trumpet sounds I am outta here...
JEANNETTE59 SparkPoints: (241,551)
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6/22/15 6:59 P

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emoticon

If you have the right to freedom of speech, then use your voice to speak out for those who do not.



What would you want to be doing if you were going to meet God today, then do it everyday.


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6/22/15 2:10 P

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Linda


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6/22/15 1:26 P

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Never Give Up! Never Surrender!


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6/22/15 11:54 A

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A Taste of the South..

“Sugar why don’t you sit down by the table and we’ll start supper.” Said Dorothy to her Husband of 50 years. “Sure thing,” said her husband settling himself down. “Now darling, would you like the soup first or the salad?” Questioned Dorothy. “Umm I guess I’ll take the soup.” He responded. After a whole meal of one endearing term after another, their guest Bob couldn’t contain his curiosity any longer. Bob snuck into the kitchen and asked, “Dorothy do you always talk to your husband like that?” “Bob, I’ll be honest with you,” Dorothy replied. “It’s been five years now, I just can’t remember his name, and I am just too embarrassed to ask him!”

Read more at:

He is still working on me,, To Him I give any Glory to all those who have Prayed and helped.. The sweetest thing to receive is Friendship.. a famous man of God Once said.. Faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole stair case.. Anyone..? Know..? MLK
youtu.be/nO4uIyz_d90
I am still standing
Jonh 3:16
Learn to laugh and live cause if the trumpet sounds I am outta here...
PANDABEAR42's Photo PANDABEAR42 SparkPoints: (46,109)
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6/21/15 11:03 P

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the most important piece of clothing you must wear is love. Love is what binds us all together in harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. Colossians 3:14-15a


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A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer." the man began, "I can explain,".
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

He is still working on me,, To Him I give any Glory to all those who have Prayed and helped.. The sweetest thing to receive is Friendship.. a famous man of God Once said.. Faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole stair case.. Anyone..? Know..? MLK
youtu.be/nO4uIyz_d90
I am still standing
Jonh 3:16
Learn to laugh and live cause if the trumpet sounds I am outta here...
JEANNETTE59 SparkPoints: (241,551)
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6/21/15 7:26 P

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Introducing the J & J Comedy Show emoticon

If you have the right to freedom of speech, then use your voice to speak out for those who do not.



What would you want to be doing if you were going to meet God today, then do it everyday.


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6/21/15 5:54 P

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emoticon

Linda


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6/21/15 10:09 A

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Bloopers from the Church Bulletin..

[FROM A CHURCH BULLETIN] Ladies, don’t forget the church rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.

[FROM A CHURCH BULLETIN] The Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

Ole and Lena got married, and were driving to San Jose. Ole put his hand on Lena’s knee. She said ”Ole, you can go farther than that” and so Ole drove to Sacramento.

He is still working on me,, To Him I give any Glory to all those who have Prayed and helped.. The sweetest thing to receive is Friendship.. a famous man of God Once said.. Faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole stair case.. Anyone..? Know..? MLK
youtu.be/nO4uIyz_d90
I am still standing
Jonh 3:16
Learn to laugh and live cause if the trumpet sounds I am outta here...
FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 39,273
6/21/15 8:10 A

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An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'
'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'
The emu says, 'Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..
'Same for me,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'


The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.

Peace and long life - Jules

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6/20/15 6:35 P

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emoticon Three great ones!

If you have the right to freedom of speech, then use your voice to speak out for those who do not.



What would you want to be doing if you were going to meet God today, then do it everyday.


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6/20/15 3:59 P

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The Humor Impaired Pastor 1

A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry. Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers.

One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.

The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"

He is still working on me,, To Him I give any Glory to all those who have Prayed and helped.. The sweetest thing to receive is Friendship.. a famous man of God Once said.. Faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole stair case.. Anyone..? Know..? MLK
youtu.be/nO4uIyz_d90
I am still standing
Jonh 3:16
Learn to laugh and live cause if the trumpet sounds I am outta here...
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6/20/15 3:45 P

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Jules, Abby, emoticon

Linda


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6/20/15 6:25 A

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A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a brothel, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she wanted the bird anyway. She took it home, hung the parrot's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school. The bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.

Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new girls - old clients!"

Peace and long life - Jules

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6/19/15 7:39 P

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Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and went to meet their maker. The supreme deity turned to Al and asked, tell what is important about yourself.

Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth's ecological system was most important.

God looked to Al and said, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my left hand". God then asked Bill Clinton what he revered most.

Bill Clinton responded that he felt people and their personal choices were most important.

God responded, " I like the way you think, come and sit at my right hand". God then turned to Bill Gates, who was staring at him indignantly.

God asked "What is your problem Bill Gates?"

Bill responded " I think you are sitting in my chair".


"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."
Steve Martin

Lions don't lose sleep over the opinions of sheep.


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6/19/15 6:58 P

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emoticon emoticon Be careful what you wish for......

If you have the right to freedom of speech, then use your voice to speak out for those who do not.



What would you want to be doing if you were going to meet God today, then do it everyday.


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emoticon Jane, Jules, both are great!!

Linda


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6/19/15 7:45 A

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Good to see you back Jane emoticon

A man walks into a bar and notices his friend sitting alone staring at a tiny man on the table playing the piano.
"Wow, look how small he is, where did you get him?!" Says the man.
"Oh, well there's this genie round the back of bar, and he grants you whatever wish you want."
Sure enough, the man goes round the back of the bar and there sits a genie.
"You grant wishes right?"
"Yes." replies the genie.
"Hmm, I'd like a million bucks."
Then, out of nowhere, a million ducks appear, and waddle behind the annoyed man as he goes back into the bar.
"Look, that genie gave me ducks instead of bucks!"
His friends sitting at the table replies,
"Well yeah, do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"


Peace and long life - Jules

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6/18/15 7:20 P

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emoticon emoticon

If you have the right to freedom of speech, then use your voice to speak out for those who do not.



What would you want to be doing if you were going to meet God today, then do it everyday.


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OK Jewels I am Back....



Father Brian, an elderly Catholic priest, was speaking to Father Karl, a younger priest, saying, 'You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.'

Father Karl nods, and the old priest continues, 'And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n' roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the rafters.'

'Thank you, Father Brian,' answers the young priest. 'I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.'

'All of these ideas have been well and good,' comments Father Brian wisely. But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.'

'But, Father Brian,' protests the young Father Karl, 'My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!'

'Indeed,' replies the elderly priest, 'And I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, "Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell" cannot stay on the church roof.'

He is still working on me,, To Him I give any Glory to all those who have Prayed and helped.. The sweetest thing to receive is Friendship.. a famous man of God Once said.. Faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole stair case.. Anyone..? Know..? MLK
youtu.be/nO4uIyz_d90
I am still standing
Jonh 3:16
Learn to laugh and live cause if the trumpet sounds I am outta here...
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6/18/15 11:31 A

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You got that right!

Linda


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OMG!! Scarey thought. emoticon

Never Give Up! Never Surrender!


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Here's a thought.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.


Peace and long life - Jules

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6/16/15 10:43 A

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Never Give Up! Never Surrender!


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Other Rescued/Adopted Dog and Cat Lovers Team All Sorts of Stuff Posts

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Dear Kitten 4/11/2015 6:48:45 PM
How To Heal A Broken Heart & Body 12/19/2014 1:31:17 PM
Shhhhhhhh! I'm Sleeping!! 4/25/2015 5:58:47 PM
Pattycake, Pattycake!! 7/25/2014 8:02:10 PM
A Child and his Chicken 7/28/2014 11:40:01 AM

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