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FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 34,239
7/6/14 4:58 A

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Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid. A cow passed by where he had fallen, and crapped on the little sparrow.The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings!

Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing.

Just then a large cat came by, and hearing the chirping he investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.


The Moral of the Story:

Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy

Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.

And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.

Peace and long life - Jules

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JANEGIBE's Photo JANEGIBE Posts: 981
7/5/14 2:30 P

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This was from the Church my brother goes to..
A man passed away and got to the Pearly Gates.. St. Peter said now there is one thing you have to remember before you go in.."Don't step on the ducks.." The man said it was OK so he opened the gates.. and he saw so many ducks they were everywhere... He was so careful of where he stepped.. Then a man in front of him stepped on a duck and St.Peter said I am sorry.. He gave him one of the ugliest girls and said you will spent eternity with her.. So now this man was being so careful and all of a sudden St. Peter came up with a beautiful woman and told the man here you have to spend the rest of the time with woman .. He was so happy and he asked why me.. He said well she stepped on a duck..
My brother was laughing so hard I had to put it together.. He is so happy and I am happy.. He has been so blessed with a lady I love to death.. He was so miserable and unhappy all his life and God has given him a wonderful person that I am happy to see him.. Thanks and I am here.. Love Jane

He is still working on me,, To Him I give any Glory to all those who have Prayed and helped.. The sweetest thing to receive is Friendship.. a famous man of God Once said.. Faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole stair case.. Anyone..? Know..? MLK
JANEGIBE's Photo JANEGIBE Posts: 981
7/4/14 1:26 A

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Gifted Hamster
A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it. The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque." "Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, climbs down the bar, runs across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing a tune. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle, or else no drink", says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy." "Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."

He is still working on me,, To Him I give any Glory to all those who have Prayed and helped.. The sweetest thing to receive is Friendship.. a famous man of God Once said.. Faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole stair case.. Anyone..? Know..? MLK
FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 34,239
6/3/14 6:23 A

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emoticon emoticon

Peace and long life - Jules

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JANEGIBE's Photo JANEGIBE Posts: 981
6/2/14 10:47 A

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youtu.be/eDBKvnwmLOU

Yes your dog doesn't like your computer...

He is still working on me,, To Him I give any Glory to all those who have Prayed and helped.. The sweetest thing to receive is Friendship.. a famous man of God Once said.. Faith is taking the first step without seeing the whole stair case.. Anyone..? Know..? MLK
FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 34,239
3/6/14 12:55 A

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That's a great clip isn't it?? I love the bums of the animals sticking out of the boxes and containers.

Here's a clickable link

www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=1020221
17
43003148


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DEBBLO's Photo DEBBLO SparkPoints: (111,993)
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3/5/14 4:47 P

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Not sure if anyone posted this 2 minute video yet.
CUTE

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=102
02211743003148

God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, or sun without rain, but ... He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the the tears, and light for the way. Debb


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FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 34,239
3/3/14 3:33 A

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A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn decided to send his son to Israel to
absorb some of the culture of the homeland.

When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.
The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel By the way, I converted to Christianity."

"Oh, my," said the father. What have I done?" He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do.

Jake said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel , and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do." So they went to see the rabbi.

The rabbi said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel .He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do."

The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do.

Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, "Funny you should ask. I, too, sent my Son to Israel ...

emoticon emoticon

Peace and long life - Jules

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DEBBLO's Photo DEBBLO SparkPoints: (111,993)
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3/2/14 4:51 P

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Thanks all for the laughs! emoticon emoticon

God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, or sun without rain, but ... He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the the tears, and light for the way. Debb


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FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 34,239
12/10/13 3:34 A

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emoticon

Peace and long life - Jules

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BABSMOORE10300's Photo BABSMOORE10300 Posts: 304
12/9/13 2:35 P

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She was playing with her favorite toy at my feet this morning. I threw it in the middle of the room fast. emoticon

Did you make someone smile today?


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FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 34,239
12/8/13 3:52 A

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Ah ha an assassin cat eh? I have one of those, you could be walking along minding your own business and wham claws in the legs

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BABSMOORE10300's Photo BABSMOORE10300 Posts: 304
12/7/13 11:02 A

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My rescue cat Kelli is just nuts but I love her. She's been bouncing off the walls and picking on my Boxer. The Boxer loves playing with her too. Well, today it was my turn. I was sitting on the coach she went under my legs and just nailed my thighs. I had no idea she was even there. She was just playing, so I can't get too upset with her. I swear if someone broke into the house she would attack them before my dog. emoticon

Did you make someone smile today?


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FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 34,239
7/18/13 4:33 A

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No problems Ruth Ann, computers do the stupidest things sometimes

Peace and long life - Jules

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TMGSGIRL's Photo TMGSGIRL SparkPoints: (9,462)
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7/17/13 12:59 P

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thanks Jules I tried three times to get it to work and i just couldn't , I was hoping it could be copied and pasted if nothing else .

RuthAnn;

" Never allow yourself to be bullied into silence, never allow yourself to be made a victim, accept NO ones definition of your life , Define yourself."

Its your life Take control of it.


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FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 34,239
7/16/13 10:42 P

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Hahahaha just what my computer needed. Now it looks like my glass door!!


Here's a clickable link for anyone who wants a clean screen

www.lingdao.fr/outils/nettoyeurecran
/c
leanscreen.swf


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7/16/13 5:05 P

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****Did you know that every 30 days it is necessary to clean the computer
screen from the inside? Many people ignore this fact and do not know how. Manufacturers take advantage of this ignorance to increase their sales. My IT guy shared this and said feel free to share with my contacts this utility. To clean the screen from the inside, just click this link:

http://www.lingdao.fr/outils/nettoyeurec
ran/cleanscreen.swf

...

RuthAnn;

" Never allow yourself to be bullied into silence, never allow yourself to be made a victim, accept NO ones definition of your life , Define yourself."

Its your life Take control of it.


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FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 34,239
5/13/13 6:25 A

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After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table.

Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her: "Hello. How are you? We've been waiting for you. Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "l-o-v-e," and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation, and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

Peace and long life - Jules

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LEW0213's Photo LEW0213 Posts: 3,936
5/11/13 9:18 A

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Two Texas Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on Highway 77, just south of Kingsville, Texas.
One of the officers was using a hand-held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the town of Kingsville.
The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour and climbing.
The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then it suddenly turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the mesquite tree tops on Highway 77 revealed that the radar had in fact, locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low-flying exercise near this, its Naval Air home base location in Kingsville, Texas.

Back at the Texas Highway Patrol Headquarters in Corpus Christi the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the U. S. Naval Base Commander in Kingsville for shutting down his equipment.

The reply came back in true USMC style:
"Thank you for your letter . . .
"You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down."
"Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment's location."
"Fortunately, the marine pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position on the side of Highway 77, south of Kingsville."

"The pilot suggests you cover your mouths when swearing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech."
"Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left molar. It appears the filling is loose.
Also, the snap is broken on his holster."

Semper Fi



Linda
Arkansas

Some days it's not worth chewing through the straps!
Thanks, Jules.
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
Thanks, Mary Anne!


Remember: Don 't make old People mad.
We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

Rescuing one dog may not change the world, but for that one dog, the world will be changed forever.


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FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 34,239
5/10/13 6:45 A

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The Fortune Teller

During a recent publicity outing, Jennifer sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

'There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.'

Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.

She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

'Will I be acquitted?

Peace and long life - Jules

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PDSLIM's Photo PDSLIM SparkPoints: (136,482)
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5/8/13 5:17 P

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Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out......

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten overly-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home. The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.. my wife came home with no panties!!" "That's nothing," said the other husband, "mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said..... 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'

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LEW0213's Photo LEW0213 Posts: 3,936
5/8/13 9:29 A

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My kids have always said I have a weird sense of humor. hehehe

========================================
=============

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married,
or wish you weren't married, here is something to smile about the next
time you open a box of chocolates:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern
Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the
road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and
asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of
thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk
with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently
at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a
white bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the white bag and said, "It's a box of chocolates.
I got it for my husband".

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking
with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade."




Linda
Arkansas

Some days it's not worth chewing through the straps!
Thanks, Jules.
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
Thanks, Mary Anne!


Remember: Don 't make old People mad.
We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

Rescuing one dog may not change the world, but for that one dog, the world will be changed forever.


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FLOWERDALEJEWEL's Photo FLOWERDALEJEWEL Posts: 34,239
5/7/13 7:46 A

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You two are just plain warped .......... and like it emoticon

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him
'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'
'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad, and next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!'
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'
Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, 'Yes, he sure did!'
The little girl looked up at the cop and said: 'Next year tell Santa; The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top

Peace and long life - Jules

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5/5/13 8:56 P

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If you get one right you are doing okay.
If you get none right you better go for counselling.
Test
There are 4 questions. Dont miss one.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.

The correct answer is:
Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer:
Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference.
All the animals attend except one.
Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer:
The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator.
You just put him in there. This tests your memory.. Okay, even if you did not answer
the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true
abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat.
How do you manage it?

Correct Answer:
You jump into the river and swim across.
Have you not been listening?
All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.


According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals
they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers.

Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the theory that most
professionals do not have the brains of a four-year-old.

HAVE A NICE DAY!!!

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LEW0213's Photo LEW0213 Posts: 3,936
5/5/13 10:23 A

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emoticon emoticon emoticon

2012 Darwin Awards

All true news stories :) and the last one is the all time Winner!


2012 Awards
Nominee No. 1: [ San Jose Mercury News]:
An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girl friend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

Nominee No. 2: [ Kalamazoo Gazette]:
James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo MI, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

Nominee No. 3: [ Hickory Daily Record]:
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

Nominee No. 4: [UPI, Toronto ]:
Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association. A person has to wonder what the dimmer members of this law firm are like.

Nominee No. 5: [The News of the Weird]:
Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina 's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

Nominee No. 6: [The Indianapolis Star]:
A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk IN. A Jay County man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzleloader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

Nominee No. 7: [Reuters, Mississauga , Ontario ]:
A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. "Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred," said Inspector Darcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said.

Finally, THE WINNER!!!: [ Arkansas Democrat Gazette]:
Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock , were returning to Des Arc after a frog-catching trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole 's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned.

The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge .

After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exited the pavement, and struck a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended.

Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might be dead," stated Wallis

"I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder.

Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia ( Poole 's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck? Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did in fact effectively remove himself from the gene pool.


Linda
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Some days it's not worth chewing through the straps!
Thanks, Jules.
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
Thanks, Mary Anne!


Remember: Don 't make old People mad.
We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

Rescuing one dog may not change the world, but for that one dog, the world will be changed forever.


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emoticon

Q: What do a hemophiliac and a virgin have in common?

A: One prick and they’re done.

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I really enjoyed reading these. Thanks. Here's one from me.
========================================
===
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.
From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining
about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out
plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field.
He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to
eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again.
Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule
lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head.
Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.
When woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute,
then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him,
he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer,
and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women,
but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something
about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was,
so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."



Linda
Arkansas

Some days it's not worth chewing through the straps!
Thanks, Jules.
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
Thanks, Mary Anne!


Remember: Don 't make old People mad.
We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

Rescuing one dog may not change the world, but for that one dog, the world will be changed forever.


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Last summer, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run Jane

kept hinting to Dick, her husband, that he needed to get it fixed.

However, for some reason the message wasn't sinking in.



She finally thought of a clever way to make the point. When Dick

arrived home that day, he found her seated in the tall grass busily

clipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.



He watched silently for a short time, then went into the house. Jane

thought she had again failed to get his attention. He was gone only a

few moments, and when he came out again he handed her a toothbrush

saying, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep

the sidewalks."
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I become confused when I hear the word "Service" used with these agencies:

Canada Revenue 'Service'
Canada Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
Federal, Provincial, City, & public 'Service'

This is NOT what I thought 'Service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to'Service' a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

You are now as enlightened as I.

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The spoon:
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new Indian restaurant, 'Sam Bukks's Place,' and noticed that the Indian waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the Indian staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now..' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the Indian waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the Indian waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then the Indian waiter lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.'

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

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Sex And Good Grammar....

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction!

The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.

The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned, 'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'

When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."

The man thanked the old Indian and as he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked,

"What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition , because we could end up with a dangling participle .

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A Australian man bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, announcing that his wife had just given birth to 'a typical Australian baby boy weighing 20 pounds.'

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of 'Wow!' were heard. A woman fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returned to the bar. The bartender said, 'Say, you're the father of the Australian baby who weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?' The proud father answered, 'Fifteen pounds.'

The bartender was puzzled. 'Why? What happened? He weighed 20 pounds at birth?'

The Australian father took a slow sip from his beer, wiped his lips on his shirtsleeve, leaned into the bartender and said, 'Had him circumcised.


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From a friend. Enjoy.

A Couple in their ninetiesare both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember .
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What's the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'


Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'



A senior citizensaid to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'


A manwas telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'


One more. . .!
A little old manshuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'



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4/15/13 4:19 A

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I hope this isn't a true story


'This is your captain speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.'

'If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard enginesare on fire.'

'If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.

'If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.'

'That's me, the copilot, and one of our flight attendants.'

'This is a recording.'





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HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD,
AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available"

George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
(True Story)
I LOVE IT!
Don't mess with old people.

---------

WE ARE ALL BORN IGNORANT, BUT ONE
MUST WORK HARD TO REMAIN STUPID
Benjamin Franklin

"Survive everything......and do it with style"

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4/2/13 4:53 A

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emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

4 chinese, Chu, Bu, Fu and Su decided to emigrate to the US.
In order to get a visa, they had to adapt their names to American
standards.
Chu became Chuck,
Bu became Buck.
Fu and his sister Su decided to stay in China... emoticon

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The Rabbi's Pay

A Rabbi's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the Rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the Rabbi's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the Rabbi's additional children were costing the membership, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the Rabbi rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.' Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back of the temple, little old Mrs. Goldberg struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'

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Makes sense to me as well emoticon

This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?"

She says, "I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again. He says, Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?"


She says, "Well, your name never came up."


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An 86-year-old MAN went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The Doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. "Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said , "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

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Hahahaha paint his clock black emoticon


Q. What is the difference between 'ooooooh' and 'aaaaaaah'?

A. About three inches.

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On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Audi into a petrol
station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant who knows absolutely nothing about golf, greets him in a
typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' toyer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he
does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?, asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on this god's earth are dey for?"?inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Holy S#!t, says the Irishman, "Audi thinks of everything!".

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On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped in to visit my aging friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him,
"You dumb s#!&#t! - You're supposed to turn your clock Back".


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emoticon Jules emoticon

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.

One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."

The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"

Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her." emoticon

My Motto is..
"No one ever injured their eyesight by looking at the bright side of things."


 
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The Pharaoh was dictating, and his scribe was busily chipping away at the stone tablet. 'I have plans . . . to form,' the monarch said slowly, 'a personal bodyguard . . .of stalwart . . .and virile . . . young men.'
The chips were flying, but then suddenly ceased. The perspiring chiseler looked up inquiringly, 'Excuse me, your Majesty, but is virile spelled with one or two testicles?'

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"Am I the first man you have ever loved?" he said.
"Of course," she answered "Why do men always ask the same question?". emoticon

My Motto is..
"No one ever injured their eyesight by looking at the bright side of things."


 
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The Paperless Future

No translation needed!!

You will laugh

www.flixxy.com/the-paperless-future-emma
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3/19/13 8:18 A

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The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf.
That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido,"Where's the money?" Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again and tell him I'll kill him if he doesn't tell me where that money is!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger!"

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3/17/13 10:04 A

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A man is talking to God.

The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute." emoticon


My Motto is..
"No one ever injured their eyesight by looking at the bright side of things."


 
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3/17/13 2:35 A

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What goes, "clip clop, clip clop, bang! bang! bang! clippity clop, clippity clop?"

A drive by shooting in an Amish neighborhood!

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3/16/13 9:28 A

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A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad to have a drink.
"Go on," said the Scot, "have another drink."
The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the Scotsman.
"Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "after the police have gone."
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My Motto is..
"No one ever injured their eyesight by looking at the bright side of things."


 
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3/16/13 4:57 A

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A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over and asks, “Where have you been?”
“I’ve been to the pub,” slurs the drunk.
“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few.”
“I did alright,” the drunk says with a smile.
“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

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3/15/13 5:34 A

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A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son. The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says,"Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother

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Woman walks into a sex shop wanting to buy a vibrator

Woman:'I like to buy a vibrator please.Where do you keep them?'

Owner:'You can choose anyone against the wall'

Woman:'Alright, I will take the red one please'

Owner:'I am sorry,but you can't get the red one'

Woman:'Why not?'

Owner:'Because that is our fire extinguisher!'

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A man is driving along in the Irish countryside, when he comes to a petrol station, since he's in need of petrol, the man decides to stop.
He says to the attendant at the station, "Fill it up, will you?".

The man says "Sorry - we're right out of petrol."

So the man considers, and says "Well, I'm a bit low on oil, would you mind topping that up?"

And the attendant responds "Sorry, but no oil either."

The man thinks, and asks the attendant to wash his windscreen, to which he gets the by-now predictable response that he can't do that.

The man at this point is fairly mad, so he asks the attendant, "Just what kind of petrol station is this ?"

The attendant then looks both ways, and very carefully whispers to the man "To tell you the truth, this is just an IRA front."

The man then says "Well, in that case, you can blow up the tires!"


My Motto is..
"No one ever injured their eyesight by looking at the bright side of things."


 
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A man comes home from work early to find his wife in bed with three men.

He is completely shocked and shouts, ”Hello, Hello, Hello!”

His wife whines, “What? No hello for me!?!”


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A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75.

The trooper asked, 'Got any I. D. ?'

The driver replied, 'Bout whut?' emoticon

My Motto is..
"No one ever injured their eyesight by looking at the bright side of things."


 
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Two crazy people were walking through a park. What path did
they take?

The phsychopath

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