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CJBAGGINS's Photo CJBAGGINS Posts: 31,559
7/19/11 12:01 A

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Wonderful response, Sue! Thank you so much for offering your experience and thoughts.
That's why I love sparkpeople Teams - we all have differing experiences, and length of marriages, and can offer a variety of suggestions.

I agree that we can only change ourselves, and that adding some friends into the mix will probably be a healthy addition.

I remember reading a book called the Dance of Anger, and it had some great suggestions for stepping out of the dance that we get into out of habit, and changing the scenario.

Also, I knew of a book entitled, "How to Change Your Husband". Predictably, it was more about changing our perception of what it was he was doing!

Take care. And all the best to you as you struggle to communicate and work things out with your husband.


cj

What if we woke up tomorrow with only those things that we thanked God for today?


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WONTBEWAISTFULL's Photo WONTBEWAISTFULL Posts: 862
7/15/11 9:14 P

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Perception is a tricky thing. Unfortunately I think it's fair to say that we can only change ourselves (although even after 31 years of marriage I still bang my head against the wall thinking that I CAN change my husband), so if I were you I would try to focus only on my part of the equation. This is not easy work. I get tired of "being the better person" when my husband seems clearly in the wrong, in my opinion. I think that when your husband tells you of a way you have wronged him, if you agree to that you need to apologize. Your apology can make a HUGE difference in the rest of the conversation. It encourages him to also apologize for his OWN words and actions. He can't hide out by acting as if he is only reacting to you...he needs to own his choices of words and actions. If you own your own,
I think you will have a better shot at your husband following your lead.
It would be great if you found a way to incorporate some friends into your marriage....
it would be a nice social outlet for both of you so your focus is not totally on each other.
Marriage is hard work and I will be praying for you ! I sure hope this helps a bit.


blessings, Sue

May The Lord bless you and keep you.

May the Lord make his face to shine upon you, and be gracious to you.

May the Lord lift up his countenance upon you, and give you peace.




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PERRINWIFE2010's Photo PERRINWIFE2010 SparkPoints: (0)
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7/15/11 6:23 A

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My hubby is the tit for tat King! I had a nightmare last night that everything he was doing was some sort of vengeance for a perceived wrong I had committed against him...

Quick back story, my husband and I are best friends. In fact, we are each other's only social companions...so we do everything together. My husband is very conservative and quiet. I am loud and liberal (well, I was once told I am a conservative liberal, whatever that means). Growing up my husband was taught to avoid confrontation (he is asian) where I was taught to meet it head on and talk about it until a resolution is reached. As a result, my husband often resorts to a "well you did this" stance as a defense for his words or actions. From there things just deteriorate.

I want to not have these freaking nightmares about the man I love. Any thoughts?

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KITTY1970's Photo KITTY1970 Posts: 5,005
5/18/11 1:11 P

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emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Every time I rely on Jesus He never lets me down.
Faith + grace = salvation


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GRANDCRACKER's Photo GRANDCRACKER SparkPoints: (21,092)
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5/18/11 1:51 A

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I;M SORRY YOUR NOT GETTING THE SUPPORT YOU NEED FROM YOUR SPOUSE.



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CJBAGGINS's Photo CJBAGGINS Posts: 31,559
5/17/11 7:44 P

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Oh, man, how frustrating for you! That must be very difficult to feel unsupported. You feel disappointed because the one person who you feel you should be getting the most support from, is not stepping up to the plate.

I am curious - what did he say when you offered to help? How did you offer help/make suggestions?

cj

What if we woke up tomorrow with only those things that we thanked God for today?


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BETTYBOOP2010's Photo BETTYBOOP2010 Posts: 108
5/17/11 10:35 A

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I am trying so hard to overcome this, but I do not know how to start. My husband neglects to support me. He just takes care of what he needs, and whatever falls to the side, just does. I have told him so many times how it makes me feel, and he promises to change, to be more attentive and supportive, and as soon as he needs to step up, he does it again.

The latest one was a job reference. I have been going through a huge process to get a really good job. He worked for me for 12 years, and was the perfect candidate for a reference. He got the call on Thursday, Friday I offered to help him, he said no, he was going to do it. Saturday he spent 3 hours working on it, and said, he found it hard. I offered to help, sent him suggestions and then it was due on Monday. He never did it. So they called in the third on the list.

I am so disappointed. If I do not get the job, I will carry this with me forever. If I do get the job, I will feel he did nothing to help when I needed him.

How do I fix my feelings?

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