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4/6/11 2:59 P

When I married the first time there were so many promises and so many conditions. I was told that if I gained weight he would leave me or throw me out. My family are Maltese and we do have a tendency to put on weight. I have been fighting with my weight since I first got married at 26 and at 56 I am 85 kilos so I think that I won a big battle. I won the battle for myself not for him and because he made sure that I didn't get pregnant (even when I was on a fertility drug) I got a divorce and later an annulment. My life now is without sex (in fact its about 10 years now) but this is because of the age difference between my present husband and me and I love my husband enough not to worry too much about although I do get upset at times, I think its only normal.

I would recommend carrying on the counselling because talking to someone helps one to deal with the problem. I was never able to go to counselling because he didn't want to and I felt it was all so much one sided.

Keep going for yourself. You are so worth it.

SparkPoints: (58,749)
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3/24/11 7:08 A

I so agree that the weight loss needs to be for you and not for him. You need a confidence booster and that is a great way to get one. As for the sex part if you like me and my hubby that's mostly out of the question due to our kids always being around especially with one that is almost 2 so I really don't know what to say there but I agree with the rest that once you feel better about yourself his attitude might change as well. Have you tried sitting down and asking him point blank what might be the problem? He might open up some if you do. I wish you all the best on your journey and pray things will straighten out for you.

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Posts: 26,660
3/18/11 12:22 A

I"m so sorry that you are dealing with this. We make promises when we marry, and your husband is not living up to those promises!

I agree with the other posters that losing weight for you, and for nobody else, is how to do this. Finding yourself, becoming the person you need to be and owe to yourself is what counts. If your husband wants to come along on the trip, that's great, but you need to make the trip for you first.

I encourage you to continue your discussion with your counsellor. It definitely sounds like an issue that needs more conversation.

Take care of yourself. You're worth it!

cj

current weight: 188.0

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Posts: 5,005
3/17/11 9:00 P

Some people are not in contact w/ their families b/c of things like manipulation & they either choose all the lying & inkiness & all that stuff rather than exposing their loved ones to evil people. His parents might have messed up his mind so much when he was a child that if he'd want to be involved w/ anyone he'd have to leave the childhood & it's memories & family.

Don't always assume it's you b/c it's clearly not just assume that it has absolutely nothing to do w/ you. I went through similar things & it had to do w/ him being lied to & pushed on people that wanted basically nothing to do w/ my hubby. He was a burden to them & they we're his family. Give it time. He is really comfortable w/ you & just enjoy spending time w/ him. Try to put up w/ what he likes & maybe you can find something to watch together after a bit.

Try asking him on dates. Dress what he likes you to wear (Not necessary what you feel comfortable in.) If you do not know what he likes you in try on a different outfit every day & night & see what his reaction is. Remind him how nice it was when you 1st started dating & tell him what attracted you to him. Leave him notes in his car & tell him how much you miss his kisses & hugs & lovin'.

Remind yourself that this situation has nothing to do w/ the way you look other wise he would not be their still. Tell him you love him all the time.

Hope this helps

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3/17/11 3:58 P

Self image is a big part of sexual attraction on both parts. If you feel the weight makes you unsexy then it does, if that makes any sense. So as Linda said do this for yourself!!!!

Sam

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3/17/11 1:18 P

I don't think you need to face not having sex for the rest of your life. And, I don't know, but is suspect it isn't your weight that is keeping him from wanting to have sex with you. I was married for a very long time (35 plus years) to a guy who really didn't care that much about sex. I was always thin, and tried to keep myself looking good. He never complained about my weight, or anything else about me. He was pretty much focused on work to the exclusion of me or anything else.

Long story short, he ended up having an affair with another woman, and we finally got divorced. But, I think that it wasn't me, or at least my role was not the major one, but it was him. Finally, I realized that he had been traumatized as a child (not abuse, but death of his father, etc.), and he never really grew up. Not saying that is the case in your marriage, but I'm pretty sure that was the cause of his issues. Fortunately for me, after the divorce I found another guy who finds me very attractive and sexy, and now that I'm in my 60's, I'm having way more sex than I ever had in my 20's, 30's, or 40's.

One thing I'd suggest is for you is to concentrate on yourself -- lose weight, etc. because you want to do it, not so that your husband will want you, etc. It is possible that once he sees how far you have come and how well you are doing he will decide to work on himself. If not, it is his loss. You will feel better about yourself, and probably even feel better physically.

I know is a struggle, but you are worth it.

Hugs,

Linda

Posts: 356
3/17/11 1:04 P

My own therapist has asked me this before, and I kind of wish she didn't bring it up because I don't want to think about it.

What if I lose 100 pounds, get all sexy and beautiful, and my husband still doesn't want me then?

Then I'll have to face the fact that it's ME - the person - that he doesn't want, not my flabby ugly body.

We've been together for 10 years, going on 11. Married for 6. It's been pretty much sexless (by the definition of less than 10 times a year) since 2002 or 2003. I want it, he doesn't. He'd rather watch reruns of Law & Order SVU than have sex with his wife.

He's had his testosterone, thyroid, everything checked, all normal. He refuses to take testosterone or viagra/cialis/etc. anyways. Marriage counseling did nothing. He refuses to talk about his childhood with anyone, even me.

I have a strong suspicion that it has to do with his childhood, but I don't know what to do about that. He swears to me that he was never abused. But he hasn't had any contact with anyone in his family in over 20 years (he's almost 40). You don't just do that unless something was wrong. But what can I do about that? He won't talk about it.

I'm only 30. How do I accept the fact that I'm never going to have sex again for the rest of my life?