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4/26/11 12:28 A

I had someone refuse to give me a "mans" haircut today. 2 women actually. There was an actual professional in-house today, the only other hair cutting person at the salon. She was already cutting someone's hair but she was very kind and said she would take care of me. She was personable and kept the dialogue open during the cut. Needless to say, I tipped her 50% and told her I'd be asking for her directly in the future. Didn't say anything about the other two, I didn't need to. Their actions spoke volumes. So, I'm a total girly girl but love my hair short cause I'm lazy and I don't really have to "do it" anymore cause it's short and the sides are shaved to a #5 blade. People sometimes call me "sir" but that's okay too. Not everyone as insightful and sensitive and in-tune to these changing times as we are!

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4/25/11 1:52 P

People mistake me as a guy all the time. "More tea, Sir?" I've had waiters and waitresses do a double take. I actually feel out of place being called a female or girl or woman- even though I am one.

But I don't get upset.

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4/7/11 12:35 P

Either of those are more acceptable though it would be preferable that people just try to avoid it entirely. Personally it doesn't really make me feel any better whatever way it was said. Its not that i would be offended its just my own self image would be destroyed again. Even so sometimes it cant be avoided, you just don't know and its kinder to ask. I'm not sure there is a painless way to say it.

At least thats been my experience...

~M

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4/7/11 11:54 A

M,

Usually, it's easier for me to make the call accurately when someone is female-presenting, but even then, someone can be female presenting and male identified. However, when I do ask, I'd never ask, "What gender are you?" I always ask, "How do you identify?" or "What pronouns do you prefer?" if I don't have time for the lengthy answers that the latter could potentially bring. Would you find that more acceptable? (And thank you for your answer, this is EXACTLY why I brought this question up!).

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4/7/11 11:12 A

I am a mtf trans, relatively new in transition, 14 months now on hormones. People say i pass better then most though i'm not always sure of that... what i see in the mirror everyday is well.... nothing short of horrifying. For me being asked what gender i am feels a bit like a slap in the face and very confidence shaking, but id rather someone ask then call me he or him. Thankfully it doesn't happen much anymore.

~M

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4/6/11 12:11 P

To be honest, I'm not really sure what it is about me that keeps people guessing. I suppose I'm slightly androgynous, but that doesn't really explain why people always get my age wrong too. xD

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4/6/11 11:27 A

Awesome topic, and Alex, I do the same. Love this thread.

When I was 12, I was a big boy. I was sitting on a park bench when an older guy sat next to me. He said I was a pretty little girl, ugh. I told him I was a boy and he said I'm sorry, with your boobs I thought you were a girl. lol

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4/5/11 9:49 P

I cheated when I spent my 20's in the midwest. I hung out mainly with drag queens and butchy little girls who LOOKED like 12 year old boys. I'd always just say "haaaaaaaaayyyyyyy girrrrrrrrrrrrrrllll" and lo and behold, I was right 100% of the time. Now in Texas, my wife told me about the game: "homo or Texan". That's right up there with "guess that gender" and "homo or metro" for me. I usually am right, but it's been so long that we've hung out with "the community" that I probably am a little rusty.

PS: Beth: Your mom.

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4/5/11 9:48 P

I am the same in that I would rather be honest in the beginning and let them tell me the story than assume. I am one that has been well endowed since I was eleven UGH!, but I have never had that problem of someone not knowing my gender. I try to respect the way I would want to be respected.
Sarah

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4/5/11 9:31 P

i have been and am still mistaken for a man because of my short hair and clothing choices, but personally, i would not be offended if someone would ask first rather than assume and be wrong. i don't think of myself as old enough to be called ma'am, but i'd prefer that over being called sir anytime. just personal preference here, but i would also be more comfortable asking someone else if i wasn't sure than making a mistake and offending them later on.

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4/5/11 7:28 P

I'm with you, Tina. I can't see asking someone what gender they are. And I don't think it has to be often to not mention it. I don't seem to recall a lot of conversations with new people centering around gender specific things. Like, I wouldn't meet you at a bar and launch into a conversation about menstrual cramps or peeing standing up.

Well maybe. The point is, I think you could just not mention it. I had a dear friend in the states who looked like a man. She was not gay, she did not indentify as male, but she wore button fronts and men's trousers and had short hair and did not wear make up and had small breasts and kind of big features and she just looked like a man. To top things off, her name was Glenn. I knew her for probably a month, chatted with her often and even had lunch with her several times before I knew. And I only knew because she mentioned something that made me realize. Didn't change a single thing. We eventually became very close friends, and I assume it would have had to come up at some point, but it didn't have to for a long time. Didn't matter. She was a fantastic person and I loved her, but her gender did not make a difference in that.

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4/5/11 6:05 P

back to the children thing - I've called kids by the wrong pronoun - talk about mad and insulted - and if the parents hear you, wow - I can't imagine asking someone what they are though, "excuse me, are you male or female?" nope, can't do it. - not that it happens a lot to me either....

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4/5/11 5:50 P

I generally don't get offended when people don't get my gender. I'm both, psychologically. Would love to get rid of this big fat butt and put on some more muscle too look more masculine. Internet is a different story. I met a friend of a friend on-line and asked which pronoun to use. That person posted a female(Lolita) picture of self and got all kinds of angry when I used a female pronoun. Even admitted to using the Lolita persona from time to time. That was confusing to me, not the occasional persona change, but the anger at my "blunder". *sigh*

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4/5/11 4:49 P

I don't know, I think both of those ways of "finding out" could cause unneccesary tension that asking would alleviate. You ask someone else, and it's sort of like talking about someone to a third party while that person is in the room...awkward and kind of rude. Avoiding any pronouns until the person says something can create an awkward sort of tension in that if it doesn't come up, it would become obvious that you were avoiding it until you were sure, sort of like an elephant in the room. Just my opinion.

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4/5/11 4:27 P

I remember in high school, people used to ask me about my gender all the time. It's always been a normal thing for me. Even today, people can't always seem to tell. They usually get my age wrong too.

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4/5/11 4:24 P

call'em like you see'um.......when I was younger, and skinnier, and had very short hair, mostly kids (since that is who I work with/around) would think I was a guy, or I would hear them ask, "is that a boy or girl", I was not offended, flattered if anything that I still had a boyish figure, plus in recreation you don't really get to dress "girlie".....and I don't suppose they were around many girls that did the work I do, Now with my big fat butt there is no question which I am!! If I meet someone and am not sure, I just wait, or ask someone else, usually I can figure it out.

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4/5/11 3:17 P

I think, in your partner's case, Beth, that the polite thing might be to correct them the first time, a little more sternly the second. If they use the wrong pronouns a third time, it's time to get mad. I don't think the way she feels comfortable presenting should have anything to do with people respecting other human beings.

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4/5/11 3:16 P

Generally, I'll go by what the person seems to be presenting themselves as, unless they tell me otherwise.

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4/5/11 3:08 P

Excellent question! I usually don't screw up the gender card, but I also don't ask if I am not sure... I'll just wait and see if I can figure it out.

My partner gets pissed when people assume she is male, but she is tall, slender, kind of muscled, has very short hair and does not wear make up. So, the question becomes, does she choose to look/dress the way she does, therefore, does she have the right to get mad when people mistake her for a man?

Great post!

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4/5/11 2:25 P

Some of the other team leaders and I were talking about gender identity etiquitte. I personally always ask how someone identifies and/or what pronouns they prefer when I meet them, though I admit that I stereotype a bit in that I usually only do this for masculine-presenting people.
Do any of you practice this when meeting new people? For trans, genderqueer and masculine-presenting women, do you appreciate or abhor this? Discussssssss.