Author: Sorting Last Post on Top ↓ Message:
MAESTRAPLANK12's Photo MAESTRAPLANK12 SparkPoints: (37,755)
Fitness Minutes: (31,359)
Posts: 2,350
3/8/15 7:09 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
I live with an alcoholic.....and it is not easy to watch my husband's self-destruction. Yes...I am well aware of family drama.....and I truly relish Al-Anon as well as AA.

 May Minutes: 421
 
0
750
1500
2250
3000
AJDOVER1's Photo AJDOVER1 SparkPoints: (272,161)
Fitness Minutes: (164,202)
Posts: 29,034
3/7/15 12:17 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Active alcoholism certainly causes drama, doesn't it. My Guy has been reaching out a hand to our neighbor who is suffering. It's a balancing act to avoid being drawn into his relentless drama. I'm simply praying for all involved -- that's all I can do.

Let's walk!


 May Minutes: 540
 
0
750
1500
2250
3000
MAESTRAPLANK12's Photo MAESTRAPLANK12 SparkPoints: (37,755)
Fitness Minutes: (31,359)
Posts: 2,350
3/6/15 6:47 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Bittercat....what is going on with your mom? Anything new? Sending you a emoticon !

 May Minutes: 421
 
0
750
1500
2250
3000
MAESTRAPLANK12's Photo MAESTRAPLANK12 SparkPoints: (37,755)
Fitness Minutes: (31,359)
Posts: 2,350
3/3/15 6:54 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Aurlie is right. You have a lot of work and planning to do. We are here for you. I have been through this recently....for eight years with both my inlaws.

We are here to support you!

emoticon emoticon emoticon

 May Minutes: 421
 
0
750
1500
2250
3000
AJDOVER1's Photo AJDOVER1 SparkPoints: (272,161)
Fitness Minutes: (164,202)
Posts: 29,034
3/2/15 10:42 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Best wishes to you, Jen. It sounds like you've got a lot of work ahead of you. A local hospital may also have an office that provides resources that would help you. We're here for you if you just need to talk about it all.

Let's walk!


 May Minutes: 540
 
0
750
1500
2250
3000
BITTERCAT's Photo BITTERCAT Posts: 1,610
3/2/15 4:40 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Thanks, ladies.

She WILL need a nurse, whether it is a live in nurse or someone to pop in. The nursing home is supposed to be giving us resources to check out when they let us know she will be ready to go home. I'm just having trouble nailing them down on that info. Meanwhile, we are getting her house ready.

Jen M.

 Pounds lost: 5.0 
 
0
7.75
15.5
23.25
31
MAESTRAPLANK12's Photo MAESTRAPLANK12 SparkPoints: (37,755)
Fitness Minutes: (31,359)
Posts: 2,350
3/1/15 10:15 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
I don't know where your mom is in her health issues. One of the best resources I used was Hospice Home and Health Care....they even provide respite care for you as well. It might be worth checking into.

You and your family on my prayer list.

Blessings today and always! emoticon

 May Minutes: 421
 
0
750
1500
2250
3000
AJDOVER1's Photo AJDOVER1 SparkPoints: (272,161)
Fitness Minutes: (164,202)
Posts: 29,034
2/27/15 12:52 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
We're here for you, Jen! I understand how stressful the caretaking role can be. It's good that you and your partner are able to work together as needed here. Professional assistance can be such a great resource under the circumstances. You need to take care of yourself as well!

Best wishes to you!


Let's walk!


 May Minutes: 540
 
0
750
1500
2250
3000
BITTERCAT's Photo BITTERCAT Posts: 1,610
2/26/15 4:53 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Thanks, ladies! I may well end up bending ears! I love my mom, but I'm not a caretaker personality (which is why I do not have children.) I am happy to help with logistics and taking care of the house and the animals, but when it comes to hands-on, I just do not enjoy that at all. mom will need a live-in nurse, or at least a nurse to come in a few days a week. I have also vowed not to let my partner get sucked in. He loves my mom, too, but I don't feel it's fair to put that on my partner. He's happy to help when needed, though, which is good.

I had a sister who was helping with logistical stuff, but she and mom had a falling out, so it's just me now. I have a brother who is handling financial and legal matters, thank goodness. That would do me in, I'm afraid!

I am learning how to balance caring for Mom with caring for me. We do not live together (yet). She is still at the nursing home, but she may be going home soon.

Jen M.

 Pounds lost: 5.0 
 
0
7.75
15.5
23.25
31
MAESTRAPLANK12's Photo MAESTRAPLANK12 SparkPoints: (37,755)
Fitness Minutes: (31,359)
Posts: 2,350
2/26/15 6:05 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Calm is good! Blessings to you Jen of course to you Aurlie! emoticon

 May Minutes: 421
 
0
750
1500
2250
3000
AJDOVER1's Photo AJDOVER1 SparkPoints: (272,161)
Fitness Minutes: (164,202)
Posts: 29,034
2/25/15 2:32 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Great to see you, Jen! It's nice to stop and appreciate the moments we realize things are calm. It keeps me from getting complacent -- this, too, shall pass.
emoticon

Let's walk!


 May Minutes: 540
 
0
750
1500
2250
3000
MAESTRAPLANK12's Photo MAESTRAPLANK12 SparkPoints: (37,755)
Fitness Minutes: (31,359)
Posts: 2,350
2/25/15 8:53 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
I helped with the care of both my in-laws for eight years. It is so important to help others, but in doing so it is also important to take care of ourselves. I had to remind myself so many times. I wish I had the Al-Anon materials then that I have now because they really focus on helping myself.

My father-in-law was an alcoholic and my mother-in-law was very cruel after her several strokes. It was a difficult time for me, but someone had to be in charge of their care and finances. I am glad this period is over.

I am here to support you in any way I can. I love this team and find so much support for myself.

Blessings today and always.

 May Minutes: 421
 
0
750
1500
2250
3000
BITTERCAT's Photo BITTERCAT Posts: 1,610
2/24/15 12:24 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
I'm so glad to see this thread still going.I believe I have things well in hand now, but I am aware that recovery is ongoing. I'll just say I'm doing much better.

That said, I'm entering a potential danger zone, because I have reached that stage of life where I am helping to take care of my mother. So I will not be abandoning my recovery!

Just nice to feel that I'm on a fairly even keel right now.

Jen M.

 Pounds lost: 5.0 
 
0
7.75
15.5
23.25
31
MAESTRAPLANK12's Photo MAESTRAPLANK12 SparkPoints: (37,755)
Fitness Minutes: (31,359)
Posts: 2,350
2/21/15 12:14 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Wispy....I need to reread Codependent No more also! It is such an incredible book. emoticon

 May Minutes: 421
 
0
750
1500
2250
3000
MAESTRAPLANK12's Photo MAESTRAPLANK12 SparkPoints: (37,755)
Fitness Minutes: (31,359)
Posts: 2,350
2/21/15 12:12 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Aurlie, I am checking out two books you mentioned today, New Pair of Glasses and The Gentle Art of Blessing. I love to read also.

"I will pray today and everyday for healthful, wholesome thinking, so that I may not generate trouble for myself." ___One Day at a Time p.52


Worries....be gone! My Higher Power is the Worry Terminator!



 May Minutes: 421
 
0
750
1500
2250
3000
AJDOVER1's Photo AJDOVER1 SparkPoints: (272,161)
Fitness Minutes: (164,202)
Posts: 29,034
2/20/15 5:03 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Challenges are a good thing, Lynda. They help us to grow.

I recently read a book called "The Gentle Art of Blessing" which gives a good perspective on praying for everyone: friends, enemies, strangers, ourselves.

Let's walk!


 May Minutes: 540
 
0
750
1500
2250
3000
MAESTRAPLANK12's Photo MAESTRAPLANK12 SparkPoints: (37,755)
Fitness Minutes: (31,359)
Posts: 2,350
2/19/15 7:34 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Yes, Aurlie...it is amazing how such few words can sum up my personal drama.

"You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemies. But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." Matthew 5:43-44

After completing my personal inventory (for real this time....a better one..... more honest and soul searching....) yesterday, I did just this. I prayed for everyone on my Grudge List....this is not easy, but somehow it seems to put everything in perceptive and I felt a new sense of freedom.

Jesus certainly shook up the previous practices and beliefs destroying social mores and replacing them with compassionate more appropriate practices.

Okay, I get it.....I need to pray for everyone.....not just the loved ones and people on my prayer list.....EVERYONE...no exception.

This is a challenge for me.

 May Minutes: 421
 
0
750
1500
2250
3000
AJDOVER1's Photo AJDOVER1 SparkPoints: (272,161)
Fitness Minutes: (164,202)
Posts: 29,034
2/18/15 6:38 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Don't you love it, Lynda! Some of these slogans sum up a lifetime of chaos into just a few words.

Let's walk!


 May Minutes: 540
 
0
750
1500
2250
3000
MAESTRAPLANK12's Photo MAESTRAPLANK12 SparkPoints: (37,755)
Fitness Minutes: (31,359)
Posts: 2,350
2/17/15 8:52 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Good grief.......I have done this all my life.....now I realize how long I have been a codependent. This is a great reminder to JUST SAY NO. I do say no now but this reminder is just what I need to constantly be on guard. I find myself slipping into past behaviors.....thanks so much for this special slogan....saying.

emoticon

 May Minutes: 421
 
0
750
1500
2250
3000
AJDOVER1's Photo AJDOVER1 SparkPoints: (272,161)
Fitness Minutes: (164,202)
Posts: 29,034
2/16/15 2:55 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
"Don't say Maybe when you mean No."
~Pinterest Al-Anon quotes

These little slogans are often just what I need to hear.

Let's walk!


 May Minutes: 540
 
0
750
1500
2250
3000
MAESTRAPLANK12's Photo MAESTRAPLANK12 SparkPoints: (37,755)
Fitness Minutes: (31,359)
Posts: 2,350
2/16/15 8:04 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Razzle dazzle.....YES......oh do I need to be reminded to THINK.....love the five words .....BEFORE I speak.....this is one my greatest challenges....it is so difficult at time for me, but I do find so much wonder in LISTENING.... this is a life changer for me. I am still working on it.

The third stanza of The Serenity Prayer...."the wisdom to know the difference" became indelibly imprinted in my mind. .....the only course open to me if I was to attain a joyous life for myself ...was one in which I imposed on myself an effort of commitment, discipline, and responsiblity. ...I had to face the ever present knowledge, that my every action,word and thought was within, or outside, the principles of the program. TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p.125

Oh that I may be THOUGHTFUL, HONEST, INTELLIGENT, NECESSARY, AND KIND.

Thank you so much for this very helpful awareness of the need and importance to become mindful about what I say to others.

Blessings today and always!

 May Minutes: 421
 
0
750
1500
2250
3000
AJDOVER1's Photo AJDOVER1 SparkPoints: (272,161)
Fitness Minutes: (164,202)
Posts: 29,034
2/15/15 3:16 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
I'm practicing being mindful about what I say to others

THINK is it..?: Thoughtful. Honest. Intelligent. Necessary. Kind.
“If only I can learn to quiet my mind before I speak! I do not want to act with impatience and hostility, for I know it will react on me. It is a mistake to think this requires self-control; patience can be acquired by learning to let go of self-will. Jonathan Swift said: “Whoever is out of patience is out of possession of his soul. Men must not turn into bees who kill themselves in stinging others.” (One day At a Time in Al-Anon pg. 20)

Let's walk!


 May Minutes: 540
 
0
750
1500
2250
3000
MAESTRAPLANK12's Photo MAESTRAPLANK12 SparkPoints: (37,755)
Fitness Minutes: (31,359)
Posts: 2,350
2/15/15 8:50 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Very very powerful cross reference, Aurlie! emoticon

I deal with only problems that are mine. I am learning I cannot carry another's burdens, no matter how much I love him (or her). p.46 One Day at a Time

Just like playing the piano.....it takes practice, practice, practice...to apply the teachings of Al-Anon to my life.

p.46 Courage to Change emoticon

 May Minutes: 421
 
0
750
1500
2250
3000
AJDOVER1's Photo AJDOVER1 SparkPoints: (272,161)
Fitness Minutes: (164,202)
Posts: 29,034
2/14/15 6:50 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
DETACH: Don’t. Even. Think. About. Changing. Him/Her.
“How can I best help the alcoholic? By not interfering when he gets into difficulties. I must detach myself from his shortcoming, neither making up for them nor criticizing them. Let me learn to play my own role, and leave his to him. If he fails in it, the failure is not mine, no matter what others may think or say about it.” One Day At a Time in Al-Anon, pg.29)

Let's walk!


 May Minutes: 540
 
0
750
1500
2250
3000
MAESTRAPLANK12's Photo MAESTRAPLANK12 SparkPoints: (37,755)
Fitness Minutes: (31,359)
Posts: 2,350
2/13/15 12:55 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
"Detachment allows us to let go of our obsession with another's behavior and begin to lead happier and more manageable lives, lives with dignity and rights, lives guided by a Power greater than ourselves." p.43 Courage to Change

 May Minutes: 421
 
0
750
1500
2250
3000
CETANISTAWI's Photo CETANISTAWI Posts: 3,889
2/11/15 12:11 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Yup. emoticon

Co-leader Frozen Northerners


 Pounds lost: 12.0 
 
0
33.75
67.5
101.25
135
MAESTRAPLANK12's Photo MAESTRAPLANK12 SparkPoints: (37,755)
Fitness Minutes: (31,359)
Posts: 2,350
2/11/15 7:24 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Thank you so much. I just placed it in my Amazon cart. I have an Al-Anon meeting today and will see if they also have it available at a better price. I like supporting our group whenever possible. Local is better. LOL!

 May Minutes: 421
 
0
750
1500
2250
3000
CETANISTAWI's Photo CETANISTAWI Posts: 3,889
2/9/15 9:59 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon I really like Hope For Today, too

Co-leader Frozen Northerners


 Pounds lost: 12.0 
 
0
33.75
67.5
101.25
135
MAESTRAPLANK12's Photo MAESTRAPLANK12 SparkPoints: (37,755)
Fitness Minutes: (31,359)
Posts: 2,350
2/9/15 9:39 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
My last post was on 3-13-13. I am 1230 days sober and still working daily on both my sobriety and my codependency. I read my post and it sounded like I am the guru of not being codependent any more. For that I truly apologize. Sobriety and not being codependent is a daily ongoing challenge. I have thoroughly enjoyed reading all the posts. I am thinking of the marvelous gospel song emoticon One Day at a Time.

It is time for me to read again Codependent No More, just like The Big Book it needs to be read with reflection afterwards and of course application to our daily living.

I too attend Al-Anon meetings. I purchased for my morning devotions two incredible books which give me the early morning reflection and meditation time I so need. I highly recommend Courage to Change and One Day at a Time. It is important to make sure the books are from Al-Anon. On Amazon they advertise one that is similar to Courage to Change....it even has the same cover.....which is not sponsored by Al-Anon. The same with One Day at a Time.

Speaking of One Day at a Time, I wish for each and everyone a Marvelous Monday.

 May Minutes: 421
 
0
750
1500
2250
3000
-WISPY-'s Photo -WISPY- Posts: 26,721
2/16/14 5:33 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
WOOHOO, I am so happy to know that you are also in the programme. It is so helpful especially in letting go of what the other person says and does and focusing on working my own programme.

I found enabling was one of the hardest things for me to let go off, especially with my son. I love him to bits and know that the kindest thing is to stop rescuing him. He is now 50 and thankfully I was able to set the boundaries when he was still young. The most important thing to me is that he knows I love him and why I will no longer lend him money, pay his debts or get him out of any scrapes and we have a great relationship.

"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


 current weight: 175.0 
 
190
180
170
160
150
CETANISTAWI's Photo CETANISTAWI Posts: 3,889
2/16/14 1:27 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
I'm in al anon, thanks. emoticon


Co-leader Frozen Northerners


 Pounds lost: 12.0 
 
0
33.75
67.5
101.25
135
-WISPY-'s Photo -WISPY- Posts: 26,721
2/15/14 7:48 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
I also had an alcoholic partner and also another family member. I joined a group called Al Anon - which is a programme for the family and friends of alcoholics.

It is one of the best things I ever did. I learned so much and the people are very friendly and welcoming. Also right down to earth and it helped me in so many ways.

Edited by: -WISPY- at: 2/15/2014 (19:49)
"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


 current weight: 175.0 
 
190
180
170
160
150
CETANISTAWI's Photo CETANISTAWI Posts: 3,889
2/15/14 7:42 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
I find that I do better in my compassion towards my husband if I quitting referring to him as an alcoholic, and phrase it that he has alcoholism. He is not just an alcoholic, but if I label him that way, then it becomes too easy for me to only see that part of him.

Co-leader Frozen Northerners


 Pounds lost: 12.0 
 
0
33.75
67.5
101.25
135
-WISPY-'s Photo -WISPY- Posts: 26,721
2/13/14 8:07 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
My pleasure. Discovering I was co-dependent just helped me so much along the way. I was never able to understand that acceptance did not mean that I had to be a doormat until I read the Melody Beattie book. I discovered there was an enormous difference between following the AA programme and being a doormat.

I used to think acceptance meant that I had to accept everything that was dished out to me and just be a 'yes' person. I did not understand what acceptance actually means and that it takes far more strength and courage to learn how to say No.
I needed to learn that once I accept something - the choice of what to do about the situation is then up to me. Acceptance that I know the truth and so now have a choice.

I guess putting it in terms of drinking. I thought acceptance meant accepting that I was an alcoholic and so had to keep on accepting what alcohol did to me and just tell myself I was an alcoholic so I had to make the best of it. A bit like "You've made your bed now you have to lie it in".

Then discovering what acceptance meant gave me the choice of keeping on being battered and bruised emotionally by alcohol, or taking the initiative and removing myself from the thing that was causing me pain.

Edited by: -WISPY- at: 2/13/2014 (20:17)
"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


 current weight: 175.0 
 
190
180
170
160
150
CETANISTAWI's Photo CETANISTAWI Posts: 3,889
2/12/14 1:32 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
emoticon wispy!!!
emoticon

Co-leader Frozen Northerners


 Pounds lost: 12.0 
 
0
33.75
67.5
101.25
135
AJDOVER1's Photo AJDOVER1 SparkPoints: (272,161)
Fitness Minutes: (164,202)
Posts: 29,034
2/11/14 6:56 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Thanks for sharing that, Wispy. I got my start in Al-Anon. It was the first steps that put my on the path I had been searching for my whole life.

Let's walk!


 May Minutes: 540
 
0
750
1500
2250
3000
-WISPY-'s Photo -WISPY- Posts: 26,721
2/11/14 5:32 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Here are 20 Steps to get you thinking - if you are not sure - from Melody Beattie's classic best seller - "Codependent No More"



Care Taking

Codependents may:
1. Think and feel responsible for other people---for other people's feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being, and ultimate destiny.
2. Feel anxiety, pity, and guilt when other people have a problem.
3. Feel compelled --almost forced -- to help that person solve the problem, such as offering unwanted advice, giving a rapid-fire series of suggestions, or fixing feelings.
4. Feel angry when their help isn't effective.
5. Anticipate other people's needs
6. Wonder why others don't do the same for them.
7. Doing more than their fair share of the work, and doing things for others that they are quite capable of doing for themselves.
8. Not knowing what they want and need, or if they do, tell themselves what they want and need is not important.
9. Try to please others instead of themselves.
10. Find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others rather than injustices done to themselves.
11. Feel safest when giving.
12. Feel insecure and guilty when somebody gives to them.
13. Feel sad because they spend their whole lives giving to other people and nobody gives to them.
14. Find themselves attracted to needy people.
15. Find needy people attracted to them.
16. Feel bored, empty, and worthless if they don't have a crisis in their lives, a problem to solve, or someone to help.
17. Abandon their routine to respond to or do something for somebody else.
18. Over commit themselves.
19. Feel harried and pressured.
20. Believe deep inside other people are somehow responsible for them.
21. Blame others for the spot the codependents are in.
22. Say other people make the codependents feel the way they do.
23. Believe other people are making them crazy.
24. Feel angry, victimized, unappreciated, and used.
25. Find other people become impatient or angry with them for all of the preceding characteristics.

If this is you - take heart - it was like a blueprint for the person I was. A light came on for me once I read this book and I began to free myself from my co-dependency.

"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


 current weight: 175.0 
 
190
180
170
160
150
CETANISTAWI's Photo CETANISTAWI Posts: 3,889
2/11/14 5:10 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
sure! go ahead! afterall, we're here to improve every aspect of our lives, right?

Co-leader Frozen Northerners


 Pounds lost: 12.0 
 
0
33.75
67.5
101.25
135
-WISPY-'s Photo -WISPY- Posts: 26,721
2/11/14 5:00 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
So delighted you made it to Al Anon. I am a sober alcoholic with AA and the 12 step programme. I also had an alcoholic partner and afamily member. Al Anon was a constant joy and support from the day I started looking at the issue from the Al Anon point of view and the friends I made in that group were a daily life support system. Stopping being an enabler and learning how to let go with love changed my life.

I am also a co-dependent and learned through the Melody Beattie book how to
become Co-dependent No More. I joined a group called CODA, which is also a 12 step group. The two worked together to set me free not only from alcoholic behaviour in others, but also my co-dependent nature to be a yes person.

There is a 20 step questionnaire to discover if you are co dependent. If you are interested just let me know and I will post it on this team.

Hugs Wispy.

"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


 current weight: 175.0 
 
190
180
170
160
150
CETANISTAWI's Photo CETANISTAWI Posts: 3,889
2/11/14 2:12 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
I finally made it to an al anon meeting 1/27...that will probably be my "birthday", because it's when I finally gave myself permission to be reborn to what I know to be true: that I don't have to, and I CAN'T, do it all...

Co-leader Frozen Northerners


 Pounds lost: 12.0 
 
0
33.75
67.5
101.25
135
VTRICIA's Photo VTRICIA Posts: 2,100
4/8/13 1:03 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Maestra: I read that about you being a recovering alcoholic married to an alcoholic and thought that sounded pretty intense. And then I realized I am a recovering compulsive eater married to a compulsive eater. It's funny, in a way, how he'll often express concern that I have an eating disorder. I do have an eating disorder, and I have to turn it over to my higher power one day at a time. I don't know that he'll ever find recovery. It's a thing to be accepted.

5'7.5"

Losers Keepers Motivation for Maintenance:
teams.sparkpeople.com/Keepers


124 Maintenance Weeks
 
0
35
70
105
140
-WISPY-'s Photo -WISPY- Posts: 26,721
4/3/13 5:00 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Jen honey, I so understand, it is not an overnight job to change a lifetime of being a kind of doormat - in my case, so that people would like me..... and to avoid confrontation.

Finding out why I did what I did was a real eye opener. I actually thought I was like that because I was a kind and loving person and my job was to be the servant of all. Once I came to realise my outlook was actually in order to keep myself safe and low self esteem was a big part of the problem I began to work on those issues in other ways. But I still felt guilty when I said No for quite a long time after I began changing my behaviour. People were used to me being a yes person. :)

Sending you love and strength. xx

"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


 current weight: 175.0 
 
190
180
170
160
150
BITTERCAT's Photo BITTERCAT Posts: 1,610
4/3/13 10:09 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Thank you both! I just love your posts!

I have a whole lot of issues, and to this day, I am still fighting my codependency. The Beattie books have been a lifesaver for sure, but it is an ongoing battle!

Jen M.

 Pounds lost: 5.0 
 
0
7.75
15.5
23.25
31
-WISPY-'s Photo -WISPY- Posts: 26,721
3/13/13 9:59 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Way to go, I am so with you in all that you say. It is amazing our change of attitude and behaviour brings about things we could never have dreamed of. I too was a co-dependent wife and also mother. Alcoholism runs in my family and learning to let go of of those people so close to me and allow them to live their lives in their own way and become responsible for their own actions was one of the major changes I also made in sobriety.

It took a much longer time for me to learn the lesson. I also joined Al Anon and then another group called CODA. Co-dependents Anonymous and that was the real turning point for me.



"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


 current weight: 175.0 
 
190
180
170
160
150
MAESTRAPLANK12's Photo MAESTRAPLANK12 SparkPoints: (37,755)
Fitness Minutes: (31,359)
Posts: 2,350
3/13/13 6:22 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
As of this moment I am 532 days sober living with an alcoholic husband. I count my Soberversary date my Copendenct No More date because when I became sober my life changed drastically. The actual decision to stop drinking was a radical one for me and my spouse. I changed our family pattern and 532 days later I can honestly say that our relationship is incredibly stronger and better simply because I have changed my reactions to everything. I claim and live The Serenity Prayer each and every day. It guides me throughout everything. I laugh now at how I do things differntly and react serenely to stressful situations.

Melody Beattie's books are incredible. I bought them about a month before my Soberversary and found them to be an absolute treasure. They helped me realize how and why my sobriety had empowered me to change myself and my life. For those of you who are sober in the first place, I think the codependent behavior is an addiction in itself. It is a copout. I was raised to be an obedient Southern woman who was placed on this earth to serve her husband. However, it didn't work with me because as a child I rebelled and didn't accept this way of life much to the dismay of my sweet mother and of course to the absolute fury of my father. LOL! There are cultural issues for sure that are intensely interwoven with codependency.

The moment we choose to no longer enable or engage in codependent behavior is the moment we begin to truly live OUR lives. I am delighted to see this topic on our team page. It has been a topic that needs to be recognized and discussed.

CODEPENDENT NO MORE......it feels so good! emoticon

Edited by: MAESTRAPLANK12 at: 3/13/2013 (06:24)
 May Minutes: 421
 
0
750
1500
2250
3000
BITTERCAT's Photo BITTERCAT Posts: 1,610
11/27/12 1:52 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Yikes. Yeah, that's a whole other topic. It's her culture, though, so you can't really say much about it.

(I'm a feminist, so that burns my buns, but it's not my business.)

Jen

 Pounds lost: 5.0 
 
0
7.75
15.5
23.25
31
IAM_HIS2's Photo IAM_HIS2 Posts: 59,999
11/27/12 1:45 P

Send Private Message
Reply
Thank you BITTERCAT. I thought I would hit the nail on the head with what I wrote, but was not certain. I do believe with Ethic Background had a lot to do with how I was brought up too.

We have a Korean girl staying with us. She only listens to my husband. I have no right to tell her what to do. Also, she must work on making herself as pretty as possible, her looks determine her job and her paycheck. She spends two hours a day on her face and her hair. I cannot believe how well she uses makeup and false eye lashes--she is only 15 years old.

Thank you for posting.



Team Leader
We Celebrate Life
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=52617

Team Leader
Emergency Survival 101
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=58540

Team Leader
Discovering Your Inner Beauty
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=53605

Team Leader
Living A Simple Life www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=57684

Team Leader
Paper Je


 current weight: 169.0 
 
190
176
162
148
134
BITTERCAT's Photo BITTERCAT Posts: 1,610
11/27/12 11:50 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
That's exactly it (from my perspective, I want to emphasize): Girls are raised to believe that we HAVE to be caregivers, peacemakers, polite, quiet, not rock the boat, and people pleasers. We were raised with the attitude that "good girls don't...(enter action here)", etc.

By the time I was 10 years old, it was clear to me that I was not like other girls, because I just wanted to be myself: Sometimes a caretaker, sometimes needy, sometimes happy to be alone and not rely on anyone or have anyone rely on me. I preferred to speak out when I felt something was not right. If a boy (or anyone) hit me, I hit back...etc. Then, there's the whole consumerist thing, which you touched on with your comment about feeling you had to buy things to make people happy. In other words, girls are raised to largely internalize negative feelings. Those are the kinds of cultural things I'm talking about.

That said, again, I DO feel it is just as much a genetic condition as addiction. I'm just floored by how our society fosters and enables codependent behavior. I wonder if this isn't why we have a more difficult time recognizing it (we as a society) than we do recognizing addiction?

Jen M.

Edited by: BITTERCAT at: 11/27/2012 (11:52)
 Pounds lost: 5.0 
 
0
7.75
15.5
23.25
31
IAM_HIS2's Photo IAM_HIS2 Posts: 59,999
11/27/12 11:07 A

Send Private Message
Reply
BITTERCAT, I would very much like to hear about your observations on Western Society fostering co-dependency. I do agree with you.

As a child growing up, I associated love with doing things to make someone happy. So this lead to my being a people pleaser, a care giver. I put myself last.

Also, when I first got married, I allowed my husband to have complete control over me. I was miserable and had no life. Thank heavens my Al-anon sponsor woke me up.

I started to change with my co-dependency behavior and felt I was making really process . But getting involved in the The Lord's Table has brought to light my always buying my children things that they ask for. I have to start paying off my credit cards and I am not using them anymore. I see this as a form of co-dependency--my wanted to please them.

Team Leader
We Celebrate Life
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=52617

Team Leader
Emergency Survival 101
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=58540

Team Leader
Discovering Your Inner Beauty
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=53605

Team Leader
Living A Simple Life www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=57684

Team Leader
Paper Je


 current weight: 169.0 
 
190
176
162
148
134
BITTERCAT's Photo BITTERCAT Posts: 1,610
11/27/12 9:09 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Honestly, Vtricia? I feel that our current society fosters codependency in a lot of ways. You can see it a lot in the way girls in particular are socialized.

I did not see this until my lifestyle changed and I came to a place where I live largely OUTSIDE of mainstream, Western society.

Keep in mind this is just my own observation/opinion.

Other than that, I feel that, like other addictions, there's a genetic tendency toward it. It's just that our addiction is to control, rather than to a substance. My biological father was an addict, and my mother struggled with codependency when she was younger, too.

Jen M.

 Pounds lost: 5.0 
 
0
7.75
15.5
23.25
31
VTRICIA's Photo VTRICIA Posts: 2,100
11/26/12 10:34 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
I had a distinct experience where I learned that my higher power could be there for me and I didn't have to worry about whether other people had my needs in mind anymore. So that's when I count my recovery from codependency beginning. It was new years day of 2004. Like any addict, though, I am in recovery and so don't have perfection, just progress. As the OAs say, Alcoholics can slay the dragon, while we have to feed it just a little bit every day.

I have Codependent no more but I haven't read it all the way through, ditto Currency of Hope and Mood Disorders Anonymous. But one idea from the part I read that sticks with me is in what ways is codependency part of my concept of being a mother, a Christian, a good person etc? I think about this a lot. The idea I think about from Mood Disorders anonymous that the disease is not ourselves. I haven't actually picked up enough of Currency of Hope to think on it, but maybe someday. That issue is pretty hard to be detached on.

5'7.5"

Losers Keepers Motivation for Maintenance:
teams.sparkpeople.com/Keepers


124 Maintenance Weeks
 
0
35
70
105
140
IAM_HIS2's Photo IAM_HIS2 Posts: 59,999
11/26/12 9:58 A

Send Private Message
Reply
I am going to go to the library to get this book..thank you.

Team Leader
We Celebrate Life
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=52617

Team Leader
Emergency Survival 101
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=58540

Team Leader
Discovering Your Inner Beauty
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=53605

Team Leader
Living A Simple Life www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=57684

Team Leader
Paper Je


 current weight: 169.0 
 
190
176
162
148
134
BITTERCAT's Photo BITTERCAT Posts: 1,610
7/6/11 1:45 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
That's a wonderful story! My boyfriend knows a couple (he worked with them) with a very similar story. We were at their wedding, and they told the story. It's just amazing! :)

It's good to have a supportive partner, isn't it? :)

Have a great day!

Jen M.

 Pounds lost: 5.0 
 
0
7.75
15.5
23.25
31
EDWARDSC393's Photo EDWARDSC393 Posts: 1,812
7/6/11 10:54 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
I have a wonderful husband! We reunited after 42 yrs apart, still loved him. I was a master hair designer for 40 yrs, and I was good at my job, that was the one thing my ex couldn,t take away from me! But we worked together for 25 yrs, thts why I was so co-dependant. My husband loves me lip reading him from aacross the room. I,m a mild bi-polar, take meds but no problem there. he loves the fact, I,m on this site, it has helped me in more ways then one. actually, he likes what I,m doing for me! Jen, glad you wrote back!

I,m Cherie, Been with sparker for 3 yrs, I like that I'm losing it slowly! Its a lifestyle!


 current weight: 184.0 
 
209
199.25
189.5
179.75
170
BITTERCAT's Photo BITTERCAT Posts: 1,610
7/6/11 10:34 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Cherie, my boyfriend is deaf, and he runs CIRCLES around most of the HEARING people I know! Never, ever let anyone make you feel you are less capable because of your disability. Sorry to "harp" on that, but it really chaps my behind!

I am glad you are onto bigger and better things now. I hope you are living the life you deserve.

I was with my alcoholic for 10 years. He was sober for about 3 of them, maintained for a couple more, and then the last few years he became very, very ill and passed away. It was very sad, and I grieved him for about a year and a half.

Now, I'm trying to work on myself to find out why I let that kind of thing happen to me (get involved with sick people and abusive, mean people) and get healthier myself. My boyfriend is very, very supportive, and I'm so grateful to have healthier people in my life now.

Jen M

 Pounds lost: 5.0 
 
0
7.75
15.5
23.25
31
EDWARDSC393's Photo EDWARDSC393 Posts: 1,812
7/6/11 10:16 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
The book is called Co-dependant No More by Melody Beattie. Awesome book! I was an extreme co-dependant, to an abusive alcoholic husband for 25 years who put me down every day, and threw up the fact that I,ll never leave him cause I,m legally deaf! Well, guess what! I did, scary, yes! But I was more scared to live with him as I got older. I like me now! And I,m glad I went thru what I did, because it made me stronger! You are on the right track! Cherie

I,m Cherie, Been with sparker for 3 yrs, I like that I'm losing it slowly! Its a lifestyle!


 current weight: 184.0 
 
209
199.25
189.5
179.75
170
BITTERCAT's Photo BITTERCAT Posts: 1,610
7/5/11 10:40 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Thanks, Wispy!

I am reading that very book now. I'm in the last few pages, and I did indeed see a lot of me in each chapter!

I guess going by your guideline, I'd be 2 years in now. :)

Jen M.

 Pounds lost: 5.0 
 
0
7.75
15.5
23.25
31
-WISPY-'s Photo -WISPY- Posts: 26,721
7/5/11 9:36 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Hi there guys, well I too discovered co-depency many years ago now and joined a group called Co-dependents Anonymous which was a great help, but man it was a slow journey for me. However the freedom now is worth every hard earned breakthrough.

I never thought of a birthday, but if I did it would have to be the day I I read the Melody Beattie Book and saw quite clearly it was ME on every page.

I have no recall now of when that was, even the year. Sometime in the seventies anyway.

I think having a birthday would be a great idea Jen and for me it would quite definitely be the day that the realisation hit us and we made a definite decision to do something about it. I know with other addictions, if you slip you start over, but with co-dependency it is a little different. I think was all slip and slide into recovery, but keeping on keeping on and realising that WE do have a problem regardless of what others may or may not do is a major breakthrough and one that has transformed my life and relationships with myself and others.

"Give thanks for everything until you are absolutely sure it is not a blessing in disguise." Eastern Proverb.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Be the change you wish to see in the world.." Mahatma Gandhi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Quitters never win and winners never quit." Anon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Make the decision to enjoy today. Do what you need to do for tomorrow - but live fully in TODAY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


 current weight: 175.0 
 
190
180
170
160
150
BITTERCAT's Photo BITTERCAT Posts: 1,610
7/5/11 11:38 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Thank you, Cherie. That IS helpful.

I'm now living a simpler life, but I still catch myself before I get engaged in "the behaviors," but I'm still living some of "the emotional patterns."

It's only been 2 years since I've owned it, so I know I'm still just a newbie on the path.

Jen M.

 Pounds lost: 5.0 
 
0
7.75
15.5
23.25
31
EDWARDSC393's Photo EDWARDSC393 Posts: 1,812
7/5/11 10:25 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Hi, It takes quite a few yrs to learn how not to enable and be co-dependant. I took classes 20 yrs ago, on co-dependcy, and quite a few yrs at Al-Anon, So I don,t create chaos anymore, I like a peaceful calm life, when you don,t give in, so there are not really any markers for us, except for the fact I,m happier, I don,t worry about what if anymore, don,t have to worry about what the situation will be when I get home... Hope this helps! Cherie

I,m Cherie, Been with sparker for 3 yrs, I like that I'm losing it slowly! Its a lifestyle!


 current weight: 184.0 
 
209
199.25
189.5
179.75
170
BITTERCAT's Photo BITTERCAT Posts: 1,610
7/5/11 9:52 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
I guess this really isn't about the Steps, but it didn't seem to really fit in the General Discussion Forum.

How do codependents measure sober birthdays? We didn't have an addiction to a substance or to food or to sex, so we don't have a marker like "5 years without a tryst/binge/snoot/etc."

Can someone enlighten me, please?

Thanks!
Jen M.

 Pounds lost: 5.0 
 
0
7.75
15.5
23.25
31
Page: 1 of (1)   1

Report Innappropriate Post

Other Friends In Recovery 12 Steps Posts

Topics: Last Post:
Recipe for Recovery 4/27/2015 1:55:04 PM

Thread URL: http://www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/team_messageboard_thread.asp?board=16852x46057x42809681

Review our Community Guidelines




x Lose 10 Pounds by June 16! Get a FREE Personalized Plan