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MORTICIAADDAMS's Photo MORTICIAADDAMS SparkPoints: (288,995)
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4/15/12 11:32 A

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I have a list of things to look for as well. LOL.

-American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it. - Dave Barry
-My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four; unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
-The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small. - Woody Allen

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4/15/12 10:36 A

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Q. What do you call a dozen rabbits marching backwards?
A. A receding hareline.

Q. Where does the Easter Bunny go when he needs a new tail?
A. Any retail store will do!

Q. How does the Easter Bunny get all those eggs painted in time?
A. He hires Santa's Elves during their off -season!

Harried mom handing out Easter baskets: This year, you will be hunting for my sunglasses, checkbook, pearl earrings, my red ink pen, my missing left athletic shoe, and the blue bracelet Grandma gave me."

Edited by: KOSHIE1 at: 4/15/2012 (10:37)
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4/12/12 5:49 P

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Little girl to Grandma: "My teacher says little girls can grow up to be anything they want. Why did you want to be an old lady?"

Edited by: KOSHIE1 at: 4/12/2012 (17:49)
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4/12/12 4:40 P

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LOL.

-American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it. - Dave Barry
-My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four; unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
-The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small. - Woody Allen

Co-Leader "Smart Carbing"
Co-Leader "Low Carb For Dummies"
Co-Leader "South Beach Diet"


 
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4/12/12 4:08 P

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emoticon



a sinner saved by God's Grace and Mercy


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4/11/12 2:08 A

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: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"

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4/9/12 4:56 P

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Good ones!

-American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it. - Dave Barry
-My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four; unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
-The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small. - Woody Allen

Co-Leader "Smart Carbing"
Co-Leader "Low Carb For Dummies"
Co-Leader "South Beach Diet"


 
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4/9/12 2:27 P

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GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan.
She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up.."


ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When DD was small, she said her bedtime prayers, and she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past)... For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, DD would say, "And all girls." This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Honey, why do you always add the part about all girls?" Her response, "Because everybody always finishes their prayers by saying 'All Men'!"



Edited by: KOSHIE1 at: 4/10/2012 (11:30)
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4/9/12 2:09 P

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It was a hot day and 2 nuns really wanted a beer. So they went to the store and said they would say they were going to bless the beer and use it for shampoo. That is what they told the cashier and all was well untill he smiled and put a bag of pretzels next to the beer, saying with a wink here's some rods for curling your hair after the shampoo.

Gee, i may have left out a line but it's as close as i can remember. No offense to nuns either,lol.



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4/6/12 10:22 P

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LOL!!

-American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it. - Dave Barry
-My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four; unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
-The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small. - Woody Allen

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Co-Leader "Low Carb For Dummies"
Co-Leader "South Beach Diet"


 
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4/6/12 1:57 P

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ROFLMAO!
Both these are great, GG!

Gladys Dunn recently moved into a retirement community in a small town.

One beautiful Sunday morning she walked down the street to a church not far from her apartment. Gladys was in awe of the big beautiful church building as she stepped inside to attend the worship service. Gladys however, wasn't too impressed with the sermon. She thought it was kind of boring and, as she looked around the church, she noticed that many of the members were nodding off.

When the preacher finished his sermon he encouraged the congregation to greet those sitting close by. Gladys turned toward the man sitting on her left. He, too, had fallen asleep and was yawning and stretching trying to wake up. He smiled at her, and Gladys returned the smile.

She politely offered her hand and said, "I'm Gladys Dunn."

"You and me both!" the man replied.

(Incidentally, Gladys' maiden name was Overann.)

Edited by: KOSHIE1 at: 4/6/2012 (14:35)
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4/2/12 2:54 P

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LOL!!!!

-American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it. - Dave Barry
-My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four; unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
-The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small. - Woody Allen

Co-Leader "Smart Carbing"
Co-Leader "Low Carb For Dummies"
Co-Leader "South Beach Diet"


 
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4/1/12 6:52 P

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2 am Police stop an elderly man. Where are you going so early in the morning the cop asks? Well, i'm on my way to an lecture about drinking, smoking and staying out late . The cop asks and who is speaking on it . The old man says My Wife!



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3/26/12 7:43 P

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ROFLMBO!!

-American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it. - Dave Barry
-My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four; unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
-The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small. - Woody Allen

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3/26/12 1:13 P

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emoticon Bought a new deodorant today.. .... directions said "remove cap and push up bottom"............i can't walk or sit very well but when i fart it sure smells good ! emoticon



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3/1/12 9:13 P

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LOL.

I'm a baptist - send potato salad and chicken. LOL.

-American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it. - Dave Barry
-My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four; unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
-The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small. - Woody Allen

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3/1/12 10:49 A

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ewww!
My grandson will love this one!

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2/29/12 8:19 P

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There was ship and the mate in the crows nest said " captain there is 1 enemy ship coming" the captain said " quick get my red shirt so if i get shot it won't show and my men will keep fighting" Then the mate in the crows nest said " oh dear captain there are 10 enemy ships coming, what should i do?" The captain said "quick get my Brown pants"



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2/29/12 4:12 P

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CHANGING A LIGHT BULB THE CHRISTIAN WAY
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Charismatic Only 1
Hands are already in the air.

Pentecostal 10
One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None
Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None - Candles only.

Baptists At least 15.
One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.

Episcopalians:3
One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormons 5
One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians
We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists Undetermined
Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.

Nazarene 6
One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None
Lutherans don't believe in change.

Amish
What's a light bulb?



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2/25/12 9:28 P

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ROFLMBO!!

-American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it. - Dave Barry
-My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four; unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
-The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small. - Woody Allen

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2/25/12 12:01 P

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The guy walked into the doctor's examination room off and asked the nurse
if she would promised not to laugh.

"Of course I won't laugh," said the Nurse to the patient, "I'm a professional.
In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life. In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.
And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very badly that she had
laughed at the man's private part, she composed herself as well as she could.
"I am so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Bob replied.

She ran out of the room.

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2/19/12 11:47 A

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LOL!!!!

-American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it. - Dave Barry
-My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four; unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
-The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small. - Woody Allen

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2/19/12 9:45 A

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That IS really funny,l GG!

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2/18/12 8:34 P

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a limo driver was bringing Billy Graham home and he asked if he could drive a while, so he was speeding and a rookie cop pulled him over. When he saw who was driving he said "excuse me" and went to call in. He says i know we give "courtesies" to important people and the boss asked is it the Gov. or the Pres. the cop said no he's more important than that. Well, who is it he asked. the cop said that Billy G was driving and it must be Jesus in back ! this is not meant to make fun of the Lord but i thought it was funny.



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11/26/11 8:10 P

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LOL!!

-American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it. - Dave Barry
-My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four; unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
-The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small. - Woody Allen

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Co-Leader "South Beach Diet"


 
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11/26/11 6:49 P

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I'm sending this to my DD! She knows I live frog jokes!

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XANADUREALM's Photo XANADUREALM Posts: 7,243
11/26/11 7:25 A

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What did the frog order at the fast food restaurant?

Flies and a diet croak!



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10/8/11 11:13 P

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LOL!!!!

-American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it. - Dave Barry
-My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four; unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
-The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small. - Woody Allen

Co-Leader "Smart Carbing"
Co-Leader "Low Carb For Dummies"
Co-Leader "South Beach Diet"


 
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10/8/11 12:03 P

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So... there's this country feller, his wife, and his little boy all went to the big city for the first time ever on vacation. A multi-level mall was on their to-do list, so of course, they started immediately to-doing! Escalators were quite a thrill -- they hadn't realized that free rides were going to be part of the experience. Mama went on a special trip to shop ALONE at Victoria's Secret while Pops and son waited discreetly outside. As it happened, they waited next to some sliding doors that opened automatically to a small room; and whenever a bell sounded, people walked in and different people walked out. An old lady walked in, the doors closed. In a few minutes, the bell rang, and a beautiful woman walked out.

Eyes wide, Pops crouched down and said, " Son! This can't wait! Run into that store and git'chur mama out here right away! Tell her she's going for the ride of her LIFE!"

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9/16/11 9:33 P

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emoticon

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9/8/11 9:15 P

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ROFLMBO!! I love #4. Those darned smoking horses!! LOL.

-American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it. - Dave Barry
-My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four; unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
-The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small. - Woody Allen

Co-Leader "Smart Carbing"
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9/8/11 12:52 P

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These are actual comments left on Forest Service comment sheets by campers and backpackers:
1. A deer stole my pickles... Can I get reimbursed?
2. Escalators needed on steep hill sections.
3. Instead of the permit system, the Forest Service need to limit worldwide population to limit the number of visitors to wilderness.
4. Found a smouldering cigarette left by a horse.
5. All the mile markers are missing.
7. PLEASE avoid building trails that go uphill!
8. Too many bugs, spiders, and leeches. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of pests.
9. Too many rocks in the mountains.
10. (my favorite) A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead.

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8/23/11 8:57 A

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LOL. I can't stand tight slacks.

-American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it. - Dave Barry
-My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four; unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
-The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small. - Woody Allen

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Co-Leader "Low Carb For Dummies"
Co-Leader "South Beach Diet"


 
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8/23/11 1:47 A

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oxymorons I love to hate:

10. terribly good
9. working vacation
8. slient scream
7. same difference
6. passive aggressive
5. exact estimate
4. clearly misunderstood
3. sweet sorrow
2. almost exactly

and # ONE on my list:

wait for it....

here it is....

TIGHT SLACKS !!!!

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8/22/11 1:06 P

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LOL. So true! LOL.

-American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it. - Dave Barry
-My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four; unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
-The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small. - Woody Allen

Co-Leader "Smart Carbing"
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8/22/11 12:27 A

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Whenever I feel the urge to watch the world go by, I hold myself to the speed limit....

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8/21/11 12:48 P

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LOL.

-American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it. - Dave Barry
-My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four; unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
-The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small. - Woody Allen

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XANADUREALM's Photo XANADUREALM Posts: 7,243
8/21/11 8:27 A

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What did the buffalo say to his son before getting on the school bus? bi son (bison)



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8/20/11 10:00 P

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My BIL told it to us in an email because we are seeing a lot of lawyers.

I guess I don't have friends that tell jokes. My FIL used to like to tell them but I can't ever remember them.

-American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it. - Dave Barry
-My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four; unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
-The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small. - Woody Allen

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8/20/11 3:23 P

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WE HAVE A MAJOR BREAKTHROUGH HERE!

that's cute, Morticia!
Let's have another!

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8/19/11 12:09 P

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LOL. Hey, I finally heard and know a joke!!

What is tan and black and looks good on a lawyer?

Answer - A Doberman.

-American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it. - Dave Barry
-My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four; unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
-The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small. - Woody Allen

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8/18/11 11:05 P

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Is it true that they call the street where 3-4 psychiatrists live the mental block?

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."
"Yes, ma'am, it's fresh ground!"



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5/10/11 10:22 A

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I would share if I had any. I don't know a single joke.

-American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it. - Dave Barry
-My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four; unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
-The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small. - Woody Allen

Co-Leader "Smart Carbing"
Co-Leader "Low Carb For Dummies"
Co-Leader "South Beach Diet"


 
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5/10/11 9:54 A

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how about one of yours?

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5/10/11 9:50 A

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LOL.

-American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it. - Dave Barry
-My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four; unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
-The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small. - Woody Allen

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Co-Leader "Low Carb For Dummies"
Co-Leader "South Beach Diet"


 
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5/10/11 9:03 A

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I went to the doctor for my annual physical. As you know, first off is your weight. "How much?" I was asked. "135" I answered, hoping they wouldn't put me on the scale. But, they did. "180" they announced loudly to all. Next was height. I told them I was 5'8"; but they measured me and told me I was 5'3". Then the nurse pumped up the pressure cuff on my arm while I proudly told them my blood pressure is usually low-normal. "Nope!" she said, "you've got HIGH blood pressure!"
That was the last straw.... "Of course it's high!" I screamed. "I walked in here tall and slender and now I'm short and fat!!!"

The doctor put me on Prozac.....

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5/9/11 1:46 P

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emoticon

-American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it. - Dave Barry
-My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four; unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
-The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small. - Woody Allen

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5/9/11 12:32 P

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I was gone for part of Lent and Easter, but it is still the Easter season, so I hope this is not TOO late:

Dumb blonde and Catholic man get married during Lent. Comes the evening and new wife gets on her prettiest peignoir and climbs into bed and waits. And waits. And WAITS.... Finally, she goes into the living room to find her new husband firmly seated on the couch, watching TV.
"Aren't you coming to bed?" she coyly says.
"It's LENT" her husband sadly replies.
"Well, that's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard!" she cries! "Who'd you lend it too, and when will you get it back?!?"



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5/8/11 11:25 P

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ROFLMBO!!!

-American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it. - Dave Barry
-My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four; unless there are three other people. - Orson Welles
-The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small. - Woody Allen

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5/6/11 7:18 P

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My cat, Spark Kitty will break open bags of kitty litter and use the bag if I do not change his kitty litter often enough! How funny is that! Normandy

You have to believe the buds will blow. . . . . Believe in the grass in the days of snow. . . . . .Ah, that's the reason the bird can sing............On his darkest day he believes in spring! -Anonymous


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12/5/10 3:00 P

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What do you get when you cross a "vampire" with a "snowman?" Frostbite!

You have to believe the buds will blow. . . . . Believe in the grass in the days of snow. . . . . .Ah, that's the reason the bird can sing............On his darkest day he believes in spring! -Anonymous


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8/9/10 2:21 A

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Did you hear about the blind carpenter -- who picked up his hammer and saw?

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rofl, nice! thanks!

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2/22/10 3:18 P

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emoticon TOO FUNNY!

MAMA_CD...count your blessings!
"To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift.”
www.mamaCD.org


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I just got these from a friend, and thought they just might help to lighten your day, in preparation for the weekend!

Hope you enjoy them as much as I did!

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL MOMENTS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab"!
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs -- and I was in the wrong one. Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX

2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
"Big breaths", I instructed.
"Yes, they used to be", replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA ..

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a Massive Myocardial Infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the f amily that he had died of a, 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
"Which one", I asked?
"The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I'm running out of places to put it"!
I had him quickly undress, and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA.

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden"?
After a look of complete confusion, she answered...."Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive".
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning"?
"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste", the patient replied.
I then asked to see the jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.
It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'KEEP OFF THE GRASS'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN, no name.

AND FINALLY!!!...

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams.
To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you"?
She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was... 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'".
Doctor wouldn't submit his name (Can't blame him!)
emoticon



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Treat stressful situations like a dog... If you can't eat it or play with it, just pee on it and walk away!
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4/18/09 7:07 A

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"If you don't have confidence, you'll always find a way not to win."
- Carl Lewis


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1/29/09 5:02 P

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o god thats funny just had 3 more top teetrh taken out 3 more teeth to go for the denture fittig


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1/29/09 4:17 P

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You Make Me Laugh
Welcome to You Make Me Laugh, a free newsletter from Crosswalk.com, the world's largest Christian website. We honor your privacy and time If this newsletter no longer meets your needs, please use the unsubscribe link at the bottom of this newsletter and you will be removed immediately.
TODAY'S CLEAN LAUGH

*Signs of Aging*

You know you're getting older if:

1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.

2. You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.

3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.

4. Your back goes out but you stay home.

5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.

6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

8. When happy hour is a nap.

9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.

10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.





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Treat stressful situations like a dog... If you can't eat it or play with it, just pee on it and walk away!
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1/29/09 7:31 A

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. RELISH TODAY. CATCHUP TOMORROW.



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1/29/09 7:28 A

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wow


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1/29/09 12:39 A

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REAL STATE LAWS

These are real standing laws from around the United States of America.

Alabama: 1. It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.

California: 1. Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.

Connecticut: 1. You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour. 2. You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.

Florida: 1. Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner. 2. A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing. 3. If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle. 4. It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit. 5. Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.

Illinois: 1. It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animal kept as pets.

Iowa: 1. Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.

Kentucky: 1. By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground." 2. It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.

Louisiana: 1. It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol. 2. Biting someone with your natural teeth is "simple assault," while biting someone with your false teeth is "aggravated assault."

Massachusetts: 1. Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches. 2. Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked. 3. An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public. 4. Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts.

Nebraska: 1. A parent can be arrested if his child cannot hold back a burp during a church service.

New Mexico: 1. Females are strictly forbidden to appear unshaven in public.

New York: 1. A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.

North Dakota: 1. Beer & pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.

Ohio: 1. Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.

Oklahoma: 1. Violators can be fined, arrested or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog. 2. Females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed by the state. 3. Dogs must have a permit signed by the mayor in order to congregate in groups of three or more on private property.

Pennsylvania: 1. A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives from hiding dirt and dust under a rug in a dwelling. 2. No man may purchase alcohol without written consent from his wife.

Rhode Island: 1. It is illegal to throw pickle juice at a trolley.

Texas: 1. A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining a special five-dollar permit. 2. It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.

Vermont: 1. Lawmakers made it obligatory for everybody to take at least one bath each week -- on Saturday night.

Washington: 1. All lollipops are banned. 2. A law to reduce crime states: "It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town. emoticon



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Co Leader ~ Poodle Club

Treat stressful situations like a dog... If you can't eat it or play with it, just pee on it and walk away!
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1/19/09 11:35 A

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January 19, 2009
Whatever is bringing you down, get rid of it. Because you’ll find that when you’re free . . . your true self comes out.
— Tina Turner




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1/18/09 10:15 A

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Take twice as long to eat half as much.
Anonymous


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1/15/09 10:53 A

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January 15, 2009
When you tug at a single thing in nature, you find it attached to the rest of the world.
— John Muir




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1/13/09 7:16 A

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Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength.

—Arnold Schwarzenegger


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1/12/09 6:03 A

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I finally realized, my task was not to figure out the one answer but to learn how to live...

—Marjorie Williams


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1/7/09 8:24 A

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Elie Wiesel: Weight Loss Quotes
Ultimately, the only power to which man should aspire is that which he exercises over himself.

Martin Luther King, Jr.: Weight Loss Quotes
We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope.



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1/5/09 1:41 P

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January 05, 2009
Nature gives you the face you have at 20; it is up to you to inherit the face you have at 50.
— Coco Chanel




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1/3/09 10:50 A

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Mark Twain: Motivational Funny Sayings
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

Unknown Author: Motivational Funny Sayings
If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.

Jim Eason.: Motivational Funny Sayings
If you want to look young and thin, hang around old fat people.

Anonymous: Motivational Funny Sayings
If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings including this one.

Henry Link: Motivational Funny Sayings
If you wish to make a man your enemy, tell him simply, "You are wrong." This method works every time.

Unknown Author: Motivational Funny Sayings
If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.




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1/2/09 5:42 P

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January 02, 2009
Some people, no matter how old they get, never lose their beauty—they merely move it from their faces into their hearts.
— Martin Buxbaum




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1/1/09 10:15 A

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January 01, 2009
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.
— Alexander Woollcott




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12/31/08 9:52 A

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We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day. ~Edith Lovejoy Pierce




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12/29/08 11:03 A

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December 29, 2008
For peace of mind, resign as general manager of the universe.
— Anonymous




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12/27/08 11:12 A

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Stevie Wonder
We all have ability. The difference is how we use it.


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December 25, 2008
I think that we all carry the divine within us.
— Isabelle Adjani




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12/23/08 11:18 A

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December 23, 2008
The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.
— Nelson Mandela




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Today in History
John William Draper took first photo of the moon, 1839.

Today in Weather History — Weather History Search | More Weather
Central Park in New York City experienced a record low temperature of 10 degrees below zero F, 1919.

Advice of the Day — More Advice
Kindnesses, like grain, increase by sowing.

Puzzle of the Day — Answer | Archives
The Beaver State.

Question of the Day — Answer | Archives
Where does wind come from? More specifically, how does it begin?

Gardening Question of the Day — Answer | Archives | More Gardening
Can I use my Christmas tree for mulch after Christmas?

Word of the Day — Definition | Archives
Chain

Birthday Lore of the Day — Archives | More Advice
You are strong-willed, self-confident, and aggressive, and apt to brush opposition aside regardless of the feelings of others. Your emotions are absolutely under control, and it is hard to tell your true feelings about anything.




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December 21, 2008
Winter Solstice
The winter solstice is one of the two times each year that the Sun is at its farthest point from the equator and appears to stand still. It occurs today at 7:04 A.M. EST. The word solstice is derived from the Latin sol, or "Sun," and stitium, or "stoppage." The Halcyon Days also occur around this time. According to ancient legend, a grieving wife named Alcyone, or Halcyon, threw herself into the sea upon discovering the drowned body of her beloved husband, Ceyx. The gods took pity on the pair, transforming them into kingfishers with the power to still the stormy seas for 14 days around the time of the winter solstice while they built their nest and hatched their young.


----------------------------------------
----------------------------------------

The term "red-letter day" originates with the tradition of marking holy days in a church calendar in red. We use the term here to designate days of special significance in each month -- holidays, astronomical happenings, anniversaries of historic events, and days with memorable folklore attached. Information is drawn from the library of The Old Farmer's Almanac.

Every month you'll find a calendar of these "red-letter days" on the front page of Almanac.com.



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December 18, 2008
A little neglect may breed mischief.
— Benjamin Franklin




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12/16/08 10:37 A

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December 16, 2008
Great necessities call out great virtues.
— Abigail Adams




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December 15, 2008
Every strike brings me closer to the next home run.
— Babe Ruth




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glad u like them


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12/15/08 1:34 P

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hahahaha! these jokes made my day!

Mary in Alabama

Mary in Alabama

If I can quit smoking, I can lose weight!

"How beautiful a day can be
When kindness touches it!" - George Elliston


♥ .•*´¨ ) ..•*¨) -:¦:-
(. ;.•.♥ Sprinkling you ♥.•*¨)
♥.•*¨-:¦:-. ;.•.♥ -:¦:-
♥ .•*´¨ ) .with a little♥.•*¨)
♥.•*¨-:¦:-. ;.•.♥ -:¦:-
southern hospitality.•*¨) -:¦:- ♥.•*¨-:¦:-. ;.•.♥ -:¦:-
(. ;.•.♥ and positive pixie dust♥.•*¨) <


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12/11/08 11:45 A

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12 Redneck Days of Christmas



On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me

12-Pack of Bud

11 Rasslin' Tickets

tin of Copenhagen

9 Years Probation

8 Table Dancers

7 Packs of Redman

6 Cans of Spam

5 Flannel shirts

4 Mud grip tires

3 Shotgun shells

2 Huntin' dogs

And some parts to a Mustang GT.




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12/11/08 11:05 A

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Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup or brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the
Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one
Level Cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer... Beat one cup of butter in a large
fluffy bowl.

Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to
Make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup...just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off the floor...

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry it loose with a
drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves a sheet. Check
the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and
make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.

Cherry Mistmas







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12/11/08 11:03 A

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The only gift is a portion of thyself.

—Ralph Waldo Emerson


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11/17/08 2:15 P

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HOW TO OBSERVE THANKSGIVING.

Count your blessings instead of your crosses;
Count your gains instead of your losses.
Count your joys instead of your woes;
Count your friends instead of your foes.
Count your smiles instead of your tears;
Count your courage instead of your fears.
Count your full years instead of your lean;
Count your kind deeds instead of your mean.
Count your health instead of your wealth;
Count on God instead of yourself.

~~Author Unknown.~~



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Thanksgiving Day Jokes

Thanksgiving is all about enjoyment, fun and merry-making. It is about the feeling of togetherness. Share thanksgiving jokes with your relatives and friends to bring a smile on their face and brrighten their day.

Q: If April showers bring May flowers what do May flowers bring?
A: Pilgrims!

----------------------------------------
---------------------------------
Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: It was the chicken's day off.
----------------------------------------
------------------------------------
Q: Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"?
A: Because they never learned good table manners!
----------------------------------------
------------------------------------
Q: What sound does a space turkey make?
A: Hubble, Hubble, Hubble.
----------------------------------------
------------------------------------
Q: Why did the police arrest the turkey?
A: They suspected it of fowl play.
----------------------------------------
------------------------------------
Q: Why did the Indian chief wear so many feathers?
A: To keep his wig warm.
----------------------------------------
------------------------------------
Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band?
A: Because he had the drumsticks
----------------------------------------
------------------------------------



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Thanksgiving Day Quotes

There are innumerable quotes by famous personalities, signifying the importance of thanksgiving. Here are some of the most famous Thanksgiving quotations from some of the well-known writers of our times. Relish these quotes on Thanksgiving Day and enjoy the spirit of the occasion.

If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, "thank you," that would suffice.
Meister Eckhart
----------------------------------------
---------------------------------------

He who thanks but with the lips
Thanks but in part;
The full, the true Thanksgiving
Comes from the heart.
J.A. Shedd




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5/23/08 11:28 P

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*Computer Help Desk*

Heard by the computer help desk:

A customer couldn't get on the Internet:

Helpdesk: "Are you sure you used the right password?"

Customer: "Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it."

Helpdesk: "Can you tell me what the password was?"

Customer: "Five stars."

______

Helpdesk: "What kind of computer do you have?"

Customer: "A white one."

______

Customer: "Hi, this is Rose. I can't get my diskette out."

Helpdesk: "Have you tried pushing the button?"

Customer: "Yes, sure, it's really stuck."

Helpdesk: "That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note."

Customer: "No... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... Sorry..."

______

Helpdesk: "Click on the 'My Computer' icon on to the left of the screen."

Customer: "Your left or my left?"

______

Helpdesk: "Good day. How may I help you?"

Male customer: "Hello, I can't print."

Helpdesk: "Would you click on start for me and..."

Customer: "Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, you know!"

______

Customer: "Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says, 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it."

______

Customer: "I have problems printing in red."

Helpdesk: "Do you have a color printer?"

Customer: "Aaaah... Thank you."

______

Customer: "My keyboard is not working anymore."

Helpdesk: "Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?"

Customer: "No. I can't get behind the computer."

Helpdesk: "Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back."

Customer: "Okay."

Helpdesk: "Did the keyboard come with you?"

Customer: "Yes."

Helpdesk: "That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?"

Customer: "Yes, there's another one here. Ahh, that one works!"

______

Helpdesk: "Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter 'V' as in Victor, and the number '7'."

Customer: "Is that '7' in capital letters?"

______

Helpdesk: "What anti-virus program do you use?"

Customer: "Netscape."

Helpdesk: "That's not an anti-virus program."

Customer: "Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer."

______

Customer: "I have a huge problem. A friend has put a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!"

______

Helpdesk: "How may I help you?"

Customer: "I'm writing my first e-mail."

Helpdesk: "Okay, and what seems to be the problem?"

Customer: "Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?"
emoticon
*Thanks to Pastor Tim for this joke!*
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh



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((¸¸.♥´ ..·´ ☆**☆.¸¸.♥´
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Olive Branch, Ms.

Co Leader ~ Poodle Club

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5/19/08 8:02 P

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The Washcloth..............

Ladies this has to be read, laughed at and passed on. There is not a woman alive today who won't crack up over this!
I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.

Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only
just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.
I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief
andwent home. The rest of the day was normal . Some shopping, cleaning, cooking.

After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."

Never going back to that doctor ever



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¸.♥ .·☆´¨¨)).·*¨)
((¸¸.♥´ ..·´ ☆**☆.¸¸.♥´
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Olive Branch, Ms.

Co Leader ~ Poodle Club

Treat stressful situations like a dog... If you can't eat it or play with it, just pee on it and walk away!
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church bulletins----------------------llm


You have probably seen these before but when they just came through I needed a laugh and they were the RX needed.


They are back! Church Bulletins. Thank God for church ladies with errant keyboard skills. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
Ø Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at St. Martin's Church. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.
Ø The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
Ø The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight "Searching for Jesus."
Ø Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Ø Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
Ø The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Ø Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Ø Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Ø Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
Ø For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Ø Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Ø Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Father Jack's sermons.
Ø The Priest will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth Into Joy."
Ø Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
Ø At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Ø Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Ø Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Ø Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
Ø The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Ø Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
Ø The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
Ø This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ø Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S . is done.
Ø The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Ø Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
Ø The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.


Ø The Priest unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday:
"I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!"




☆-:¦:-
*´¨¨)) -:¦:-
¸.♥ .·☆´¨¨)).·*¨)
((¸¸.♥´ ..·´ ☆**☆.¸¸.♥´
Deb & Me Ling
Olive Branch, Ms.

Co Leader ~ Poodle Club

Treat stressful situations like a dog... If you can't eat it or play with it, just pee on it and walk away!
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IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN I SAW THIS STORE ON TV AM I WRONG

.•*´¨ ) ¸.•*¨) -:¦:-
(¸.•´(•*¨. ♥.•*¨)
{¸.•´+*+AMIE+*+*+{¸ ;.• .•*¨}.•* .**+* SORRY ABOUT CAPS NOT YELLING VERY POOR EYE SIGHT DIABETIC +++++ HUGGS

Stop living life for what's around the corner and start enjoying the walk down the street.
***************************

NEVER LOOK DOWN AT ANYONE UNLESS YOUR HELPING THEM UP!
****************************

This life is yours. Take the power
to choose what you want to do .


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A new supermarket opened near my house.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.




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Deb, I past that laugh around the family. Thanks we needed that. Kay emoticon

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That was priceless. Mind if I share it with my W8 Watcher at home team?



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((¸¸.♥´ ..·´ ☆**☆.¸¸.♥´
Deb & Me Ling
Olive Branch, Ms.

Co Leader ~ Poodle Club

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LOVE THOSE 10'S

.•*´¨ ) ¸.•*¨) -:¦:-
(¸.•´(•*¨. ♥.•*¨)
{¸.•´+*+AMIE+*+*+{¸ ;.• .•*¨}.•* .**+* SORRY ABOUT CAPS NOT YELLING VERY POOR EYE SIGHT DIABETIC +++++ HUGGS

Stop living life for what's around the corner and start enjoying the walk down the street.
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NEVER LOOK DOWN AT ANYONE UNLESS YOUR HELPING THEM UP!
****************************

This life is yours. Take the power
to choose what you want to do .


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XANADUREALM's Photo XANADUREALM Posts: 7,243
3/6/08 4:45 P

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from FORESTLITTLE's blog

TEN COMMANDMENT FOR PERMANENT FAT REMOVAL

1. Thou shalt honor and believe in thy self.
2. Thou shalt move thy booty, move it and move it somemore.
3. Thou shalt never go hungry again. Eat small meals and healthy snacks daily.
4. Thou shalt stock thy fridge with the right stuff. Fruits and veggies of the earth.
5. Thou shalt honestly write it down. If you bite it you must write it.
6. Thou shalt measure and weigh - thyself and thy food.
7. Thou shalt drink enough water to frighten Noah and map out all of the restrooms in the village.
8. Thou shalt not deny thyself a treat or two now and then.
9. Thou shalt not eat out of misery, boredom, anxiety ... but should thou indulge forgive thyself.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's plate.




 current weight: 148.0 
 
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GRANDMAAMIE's Photo GRANDMAAMIE Posts: 44,049
3/5/08 6:31 P

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HI DEB THANKS emoticon

.•*´¨ ) ¸.•*¨) -:¦:-
(¸.•´(•*¨. ♥.•*¨)
{¸.•´+*+AMIE+*+*+{¸ ;.• .•*¨}.•* .**+* SORRY ABOUT CAPS NOT YELLING VERY POOR EYE SIGHT DIABETIC +++++ HUGGS

Stop living life for what's around the corner and start enjoying the walk down the street.
***************************

NEVER LOOK DOWN AT ANYONE UNLESS YOUR HELPING THEM UP!
****************************

This life is yours. Take the power
to choose what you want to do .


 Pounds lost: 18.0 
 
0
34.5
69
103.5
138
DEBBEV's Photo DEBBEV Posts: 5,155
3/5/08 2:56 A

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This is where we can all post things that will make us smile, giggle & things that are just plain silly! If laughter is the best medicine, well it's medicine time.
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-----------

Henry


It was a small town and Mildred was the church gossip. She was the self appointed monitor of the church's morals and kept sticking her nose into other peoples business. Many members did not approve of her activities but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made the mistake, however, when she accused Henry, a new member of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup truck parked in front of the only bar one whole afternoon.
She accosted Henry in front of several others and told him that seeing his truck parked in front of the bar everyone knew what he was doing there. Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a few moments and then turned and walked away. He did not explain, defend or deny.
He said nothing.
Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his car in front of Mildred's house & walked home, and left it there all night.

You gotta love Henry ! ! !



☆-:¦:-
*´¨¨)) -:¦:-
¸.♥ .·☆´¨¨)).·*¨)
((¸¸.♥´ ..·´ ☆**☆.¸¸.♥´
Deb & Me Ling
Olive Branch, Ms.

Co Leader ~ Poodle Club

Treat stressful situations like a dog... If you can't eat it or play with it, just pee on it and walk away!
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