Author: Sorting Last Post on Top ↓ Message:
SAFIYYATU's Photo SAFIYYATU SparkPoints: (15,878)
Fitness Minutes: (120)
Posts: 1,622
7/17/13 7:15 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Why did the apple go out with the prune?


It couldn't get a date.

:: Safi ::
~~~~~~~
"It doesn't matter how slowly you go,
as long as you don't stop."
~~ Confucius ~~


 current weight: 299.0 
 
350
323.75
297.5
271.25
245
6BALLMAN's Photo 6BALLMAN SparkPoints: (59,352)
Fitness Minutes: (36,260)
Posts: 4,084
4/28/13 9:30 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Most every sentence you utter has a "sexual meaning", if you think long and hard about it.

In this age of information;
IGNORANCE IS A CHOICE!!


 Pounds lost: 8.0 
 
0
13.75
27.5
41.25
55
6BALLMAN's Photo 6BALLMAN SparkPoints: (59,352)
Fitness Minutes: (36,260)
Posts: 4,084
1/5/13 6:58 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Stan: "Why don't you play golf with Tom anymore?"

Ollie: "Would you want to play with someone who gets drunk, swears, throws his club, and offends everyone in the group?"

Stan: "No!"

Ollie: "Neither does Tom."

In this age of information;
IGNORANCE IS A CHOICE!!


 Pounds lost: 8.0 
 
0
13.75
27.5
41.25
55
6BALLMAN's Photo 6BALLMAN SparkPoints: (59,352)
Fitness Minutes: (36,260)
Posts: 4,084
1/4/13 9:59 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
The Four Stages of Life

1) You believe in Santa Claus.

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3) You are Santa Claus.

4) You look like Santa Claus.


In this age of information;
IGNORANCE IS A CHOICE!!


 Pounds lost: 8.0 
 
0
13.75
27.5
41.25
55
TOTHEFUTURE1's Photo TOTHEFUTURE1 Posts: 5,037
12/19/12 11:51 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Funny Irish version of 12 days of Christmas by Frank Kelly on you tube

To my Sp friends
"How can life be true without friends" Enius
Thanks for extending your friendship to me
6BALLMAN's Photo 6BALLMAN SparkPoints: (59,352)
Fitness Minutes: (36,260)
Posts: 4,084
12/12/12 11:51 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Recently, a distraught wife went to the local police station,
along with her next-door neighbor, to report that her husband
was missing.

The policeman asked for a description of the missing man.
The wife said, "He is 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes,
dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds,
is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested,
"Your husband is 5-foot 8-inches, chubby, has a big mouth,
and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

In this age of information;
IGNORANCE IS A CHOICE!!


 Pounds lost: 8.0 
 
0
13.75
27.5
41.25
55
6BALLMAN's Photo 6BALLMAN SparkPoints: (59,352)
Fitness Minutes: (36,260)
Posts: 4,084
12/8/12 12:04 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She looked at him and smiled. "Jeeves," she said. "Take off my dress. "

He did this carefully.

"Jeeves," she continued. "Take off my stockings and garter."

He silently obeyed her.

"Jeeves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties. "

As he did this, the tension continued to mount.

She then said, "Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

In this age of information;
IGNORANCE IS A CHOICE!!


 Pounds lost: 8.0 
 
0
13.75
27.5
41.25
55
6BALLMAN's Photo 6BALLMAN SparkPoints: (59,352)
Fitness Minutes: (36,260)
Posts: 4,084
12/6/12 12:14 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
A woman phones the Chicago Police Department and says: "My husband went to buy potatoes two days ago and has not come back".

There is a long pause before the dispatcher says: "Can’t you cook something else?"

In this age of information;
IGNORANCE IS A CHOICE!!


 Pounds lost: 8.0 
 
0
13.75
27.5
41.25
55
6BALLMAN's Photo 6BALLMAN SparkPoints: (59,352)
Fitness Minutes: (36,260)
Posts: 4,084
11/21/12 11:45 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
A young girl was looking over the list of fallen brethren on the plaque at the entrance of the church when the pastor noticed her and approached.
"What are all these names?" she asked.
"Those are the names of all that died in the service," the pastor replied.
She gulped..."The 9.30 or the 11 o'clock?"

Edited by: 6BALLMAN at: 11/25/2012 (18:22)
In this age of information;
IGNORANCE IS A CHOICE!!


 Pounds lost: 8.0 
 
0
13.75
27.5
41.25
55
6BALLMAN's Photo 6BALLMAN SparkPoints: (59,352)
Fitness Minutes: (36,260)
Posts: 4,084
11/20/12 6:06 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
A photon walks into a hotel lobby. The concierge asks if the photon would like his bags taken up to his room. The photon replies "I don't have any bags, I'm traveling light".

Edited by: 6BALLMAN at: 11/20/2012 (18:06)
In this age of information;
IGNORANCE IS A CHOICE!!


 Pounds lost: 8.0 
 
0
13.75
27.5
41.25
55
6BALLMAN's Photo 6BALLMAN SparkPoints: (59,352)
Fitness Minutes: (36,260)
Posts: 4,084
10/21/12 4:23 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Jesus' wife says to him, "You aren't going out with your buddies again...those 12 guys will be the death of you."

In this age of information;
IGNORANCE IS A CHOICE!!


 Pounds lost: 8.0 
 
0
13.75
27.5
41.25
55
6BALLMAN's Photo 6BALLMAN SparkPoints: (59,352)
Fitness Minutes: (36,260)
Posts: 4,084
8/22/12 6:56 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
...then there is the one about the magician that walked down the street and turned into a barber shop...

In this age of information;
IGNORANCE IS A CHOICE!!


 Pounds lost: 8.0 
 
0
13.75
27.5
41.25
55
6BALLMAN's Photo 6BALLMAN SparkPoints: (59,352)
Fitness Minutes: (36,260)
Posts: 4,084
7/26/12 1:10 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
A guy wakes up one morning and there is a GRIZZLY BEAR on his roof! He thinks, "What am I gonna do? I can't even go out the front door!" He picks up the phone book and opens the yellow pages and sure enough, there is an entry for "Bear Removal" He dials the number and tells the guy his predicament, and the guy tells him to relax and he'd be right over. The guy shows up in a van with a "Bear Removal" logo splashed across the side. He gets out of the van with a baseball bat, a ladder, a cage, a pit bull and a shotgun. He knocks on the door and the guy inside greets him. The bear removal guy tells him to stay put in the house and he'd take care of everything.
"What's all that stuff for?" asks the homeowner
"Well," drawls the guy, "I am going to put the ladder up next to your house and climb up there with the bat and hit the bear. When he falls off, the pit bull will grab him by the whoo-ha until he submits, then I will put him in the cage."
"What if the bears knocks you off?"
Handing over the shotgun, the guy says, "Then you shoot the pit bull."


Edited by: 6BALLMAN at: 8/15/2012 (00:33)
In this age of information;
IGNORANCE IS A CHOICE!!


 Pounds lost: 8.0 
 
0
13.75
27.5
41.25
55
6BALLMAN's Photo 6BALLMAN SparkPoints: (59,352)
Fitness Minutes: (36,260)
Posts: 4,084
6/9/12 2:32 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
A guy dies and finds himself in hell. He thinks...hmmm...I wasn't that bad...why am I here? Lucifer himself greets the newcomer and says, "I can see what you are thinking. Most people who are sent here feel they do not belong, but I think you will find that we have been the victims of some...ah...bad press, let's say."
"Indeed. In what way?" asks the new inductee.
"Well for instance, take Mondays. Do you like to drink?"
"Why I LOVE to drink!"
"Well then you are going to love Mondays. We have the best beers from Germany, the best wines from France, single malt scotch direct from the islands, and of course, the smoothest tequila you ever wrapped your lips around, and you are just going to love Mondays here in hell."
"Yeah..that doesn't sound bad at all."
"Well we're just getting started. Do you like to gamble?"
"I LOVE gambling."
"Well then Tuesday is a day you will really enjoy. Tuesday is Vegas day here in hell. We have slots, blackjack, craps, poker tournaments...and get this...you ALWAYS win!!"
"I can't believe this," says the newcomer. "This is punishment?"
"Well we don't think so. Now...do you smoke?"
"I love to smoke!"
"Well Wednesday is smoking day here. We have Cuban cigars right from Havana, Turkish tobaccos in a hooka and you will really enjoy Wednesdays here in hell. Oh, by the way, are you gay?"
"Oh, no, no! Not me!! I'm not gay!!!"
"Well then you won't like Thursdays much..."


Edited by: 6BALLMAN at: 6/9/2012 (02:34)
In this age of information;
IGNORANCE IS A CHOICE!!


 Pounds lost: 8.0 
 
0
13.75
27.5
41.25
55
EINSTEINFAN's Photo EINSTEINFAN SparkPoints: (4,801)
Fitness Minutes: (5,241)
Posts: 26
6/6/12 8:49 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
These are great! Here's mine:

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

You only need one nail to hang the picture up.

THE_MIGHTYQUINN's Photo THE_MIGHTYQUINN SparkPoints: (3,169)
Fitness Minutes: (2,265)
Posts: 29
6/3/12 6:01 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Why did Jesus die on the cross?

He forgot his safeword.



174.6 Inches Lost
 
0
45
90
135
180
ANN5497's Photo ANN5497 Posts: 1,536
6/3/12 9:06 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
While hanging on the cross, Jesus calls out "Peter, Peter, ..."
One of his disciples runs to get Peter saying "The Lord is calling for you."
Peter races to Calvary, comes up to the foot of the cross and says "Yes, Lord?"
Jesus says "Peter, I can see your house from here."


Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. Anais Nin


 current weight: 146.0 
 
184
174.5
165
155.5
146
6BALLMAN's Photo 6BALLMAN SparkPoints: (59,352)
Fitness Minutes: (36,260)
Posts: 4,084
5/30/12 3:42 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
A priest and a rabbi are talking. The priest says, "You don' t eat ham do you?"
The rabbi says, "No, I don't."
"Well...why not?" asks his cohort.
"Because it is against my religion," says the rabbi. "You do not date women, do you father?"
"No, I do not. THAT is against my religion," says the priest.
His friend says, "You should try it. It is better than ham."

Edited by: 6BALLMAN at: 5/30/2012 (15:44)
In this age of information;
IGNORANCE IS A CHOICE!!


 Pounds lost: 8.0 
 
0
13.75
27.5
41.25
55
BUDDYSMYFRIEND's Photo BUDDYSMYFRIEND SparkPoints: (11,430)
Fitness Minutes: (6,731)
Posts: 865
3/12/12 10:51 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
There was a small town that had historically been "dry" (no alcohol sold), but then a local businessman decided to build a tavern.

A group of Christians from a local church were concerned and planned an all-night prayer meeting to ask God to intervene.

It just so happened that shortly thereafter lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.

The owner of the bar sued the church, claiming that the prayers of the congregation were responsible, but the church hired a lawyer to argue in court that they were not responsible.

The presiding judge, after his initial review of the case, stated that: "No matter how this case comes out, one thing is clear."

"The tavern owner believes in the power of prayer and the Christians do not."

If you want to win anything- a race, yourself, your life- you have to go a little berserk.” George Sheehan

"You can't cross a sea by merely standing and staring at the water.” Rabindranath Tagore



URLEEC's Photo URLEEC SparkPoints: (14,404)
Fitness Minutes: (9,152)
Posts: 113
3/11/12 8:32 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Good one. Here's one that I thought was funny.

Jesus walks up the the hotel front desk, slaps three nails down on the counter and says, "I'd like you to put me up for the weekend."
ba dum bum

Edited by: URLEEC at: 3/11/2012 (20:33)
To have a meaningful life, plant trees under whose shade you will never sit.


 current weight: 178.5 
 
182
174
166
158
150
BUDDYSMYFRIEND's Photo BUDDYSMYFRIEND SparkPoints: (11,430)
Fitness Minutes: (6,731)
Posts: 865
3/5/12 4:31 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied.

"Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does."

If you want to win anything- a race, yourself, your life- you have to go a little berserk.” George Sheehan

"You can't cross a sea by merely standing and staring at the water.” Rabindranath Tagore



Page: 1 of (1)  

Report Innappropriate Post

Other Liberal Atheist Hippies The Happy Place Posts

Topics: Last Post:
Purpose of life 6/19/2014 7:55:41 AM
Ricky Gervais' Easter Card 9/17/2013 6:46:29 PM
Funny meme.... 1/15/2014 4:35:02 PM
Raising atheist kids 9/17/2013 6:38:01 PM
The best motivator 9/10/2013 9:05:31 PM

Thread URL: http://www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/team_messageboard_thread.asp?board=14563x4645x46920309

Review our Community Guidelines