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SPWHITESTONE's Photo SPWHITESTONE Posts: 669
5/15/13 5:43 P

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Oh my goodness, I don't know what I would have said in that situation! I very well may have been speechless. I know, though, that people have very deeply rooted beliefs about what constitutes a family member. Sometimes those beliefs are cultural, sometimes they're narrow-minded. I can't spend too much time worrying about it. I know that I couldn't love my daughter any more, and blood ties have nothing to do with it.

I'm so sorry you had to hear that comment.

Mistakes are the portals of discovery. - James Joyce


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IAM_HIS's Photo IAM_HIS Posts: 45,562
5/11/13 3:50 P

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Wow, I haven't really heard much of this kind of comment. Instead, I hear (in front of my daughter) "how much did it cost you to adopt her", or "did her mother abandon her" or "what made you adopt her" or "do you know who her real mother is".

These questions really bug me.


But what pierced my heart is:

But what really got me the most was when my own sister told me that my daughter could not be in her grand-daughter's wedding because my daughter was not a blood-family member. That she was "just adopted". Believe it or not, I have NOT felt the same towards my sister.



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SPWHITESTONE's Photo SPWHITESTONE Posts: 669
9/19/12 6:06 A

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Yes, I've gotten that comment many times and it makes me cringe every time. We adopted from Guatemala for completely unaltruistic reasons, so it feels wrong to be assigned saint status! If I don't have an hour to educate them (and I usually don't), I tell them what a gift my daughter has been to us. If I do have time and they're close friends or family members, I let them know why we made the choices we did.

Mistakes are the portals of discovery. - James Joyce


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NMMAMA2011's Photo NMMAMA2011 SparkPoints: (16,171)
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9/18/12 8:05 P

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I think most adoptive parents cringe when people tell them what a wonderful thing it was that they adopted, how they saved their kids from a life of blah blah blah. Nobody EVER says, "it is such a wonderful thing that you nurtured your son from a fetus to a newborn, he should be really grateful you did that."

It bugs me because it insinuates that my daughters should be eternally grateful to me for "saving" them. It diminishes their pride in their origins. It makes them different than my biological child. It invalidates the pain they experienced of being separated from their birth parents, their culture, and their country to be my daughters. I can go on and on and I am sure many of you can too.

What I don't know is what to say or do other than cringe and mutter something about, "it is just another way to make a family," which often just makes the person go on more. Does this bug you too? What do you say?

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Mama to three fabulous kids
Co-leader of International Adoption Spark Team -- adoptive parents, join us at: www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=28132


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