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Top 50 Programming Quotes
50. "Programming today is a race between software engineers
striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs,
and the universe trying to build bigger and better idiots.
So far, the universe is winning." - Rick Cook
49. "Lisp isn't a language -- it's a building material." -
48. "Walking on water and developing software from a
specification are easy if both are frozen." - Edward V.
47. "They don't make bugs like Bunny anymore." - Olav Mjelde
46. "A programming language is low level when its programs
require attention to the irrelevant." - Alan J. Perlis
45. "A C program is like a fast dance on a newly waxed dance
floor by people carrying razors." - Waldi Ravens
44. "I have always wished for my computer to be as easy to
use as my telephone; my wish has come true because I can no
longer figure out how to use my telephone." - Bjarne
43. "Computer science education cannot make anybody an
expert programmer any more than studying brushes and pigment
can make somebody an expert painter." - Eric S. Raymond
42. "Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything
did, you'd be out of a job." - Mosher's Law of Software
41. "I think Microsoft named .Net so it wouldn't show up in
a Unix directory listing." - Oktal
40. "Fine, Java MIGHT be a good example of what a
programming language should be like. But Java applications
are good examples of what applications SHOULDN'T be like." -
39. "Considering the current sad state of our computer
programs, software development is clearly still a black art,
and cannot yet be called an engineering discipline." - Bill
38. "The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should
therefore be regarded as a criminal offense." - E.W.
37. "In the one and only true way, the object-oriented
version of 'Spaghetti code' is, of course, 'Lasagna code'
(too many layers)." - Roberto Waltman
36. "FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed; it is hardy,
occasionally blooms, and grows in every computer." - Alan J.
35. "For a long time it puzzled me how something so
expensive, so leading edge, could be so useless. And then it
occurred to me that a computer is a stupid machine with the
ability to do incredibly smart things, while computer
programmers are smart people with the ability to do
incredibly stupid things. They are, in short, a perfect
match." - Bill Bryson
34. "In my egotistical opinion, most people's C programs
should be indented six feet downward and covered with dirt."
- Blair P. Houghton
33. "When someone says: 'I want a programming language in
which I need only say what I wish done,' give him a
lollipop." - Alan J. Perlis
32. "The evolution of languages: FORTRAN is a non-typed
language. C is a weakly typed language. Ada is a strongly
typed language. C++ is a strongly hyped language." - Ron
31. "Good design adds value faster than it adds cost." -
Thomas C. Gale
30. "Python's a drop-in replacement for BASIC in the sense
that Optimus Prime is a drop-in replacement for a truck." -
29. "Talk is cheap. Show me the code." - Linus Torvalds
28. "Perfection [in design] is achieved, not when there is
nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take
away." - Antoine de Saint-Exupry
27. "C is quirky, flawed, and an enormous success." - Dennis
26. "In theory, theory and practice are the same. In
practice, they're not." - Yogi Berra
25. "You can't have great software without a great team, and
most software teams behave like dysfunctional families." -
24. "PHP is a minor evil perpetrated and created by
incompetent amateurs, whereas Perl is a great and insidious
evil, perpetrated by skilled but perverted professionals." -
23. "Programming is like kicking yourself in the face:
sooner or later your nose will bleed." - Kyle Woodbury
22. "Perl -- the only language that looks the same before
and after RSA encryption." - Keith Bostic
21. "It is easier to port a shell than a shell script." -
20. "I invented the term 'Object-Oriented,' and I can tell
you I did not have C++ in mind." - Alan Kay
19. "Learning to program has no more to do with designing
interactive software than learning to touch type has to do
with writing poetry" - Ted Nelson
18. "The best programmers are not marginally better than
merely good ones. They are an order-of-magnitude better,
measured by whatever standard: conceptual creativity, speed,
ingenuity of design, or problem-solving ability." - Randall
17. "If McDonald's were run like a software company, one out
of every hundred Big Macs would give you food poisoning, and
the response would be, 'We're sorry; here's a coupon for two
more.'" - Mark Minasi
16. "Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it
correct, not tried it." - Donald E. Knuth
15. "Computer system analysis is like child-rearing; you can
do grievous damage, but you cannot ensure success." - Tom
14. "I don't care if it works on your machine! We are not
shipping your machine!" - Vidiu Platon
13. "Sometimes it pays to stay in bed on Monday, rather than
spending the rest of the week debugging Monday's code." -
12. "Measuring programming progress by lines of code is like
measuring aircraft building progress by weight." - Bill
11. "Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the
first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as
possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug
it." - Brian W. Kernighan
10. "People think that computer science is the art of
geniuses, but the actual reality is the opposite, just many
people doing things that build on each other, like a wall of
mini stones." - Donald Knuth
9. "First learn computer science and all the theory. Next
develop a programming style. Then forget all that and just
hack." - George Carrette
8. "Most of you are familiar with the virtues of a
programmer. There are three, of course: laziness,
impatience, and hubris." - Larry Wall
7. "Most software today is very much like an Egyptian
pyramid with millions of bricks piled on top of each other,
with no structural integrity, but just done by brute force
and thousands of slaves." - Alan Kay
6. "The trouble with programmers is that you can never tell
what a programmer is doing until it's too late." - Seymour
5. "To iterate is human, to recurse divine." - L. Peter
4. "On two occasions I have been asked [by members of
Parliament]: 'Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine
wrong figures, will the right answers come out?' I am not
able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas
that could provoke such a question." - Charles Babbage
3. "Most good programmers do programming not because they
expect to get paid or get adulation by the public, but
because it is fun to program." - Linus Torvalds
2. "Always code as if the guy who ends up maintaining your
code will be a violent psychopath who knows where you live."
- Martin Golding
1. "There are two ways of constructing a software design.
One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no
deficiencies. And the other way is to make it so complicated
that there are no obvious deficiencies." - C.A.R. Hoare
Received from Trey Nolen.
The Flood is over and the ark has landed. Noah lets all the
animals out and says, "Go forth and multiply."
A few months later, Noah decides to take a stroll and see
how the animals are doing. Everywhere he looks he finds baby
animals. Everyone is doing fine except for one pair of
little snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah.
"Cut down some trees and let us live there," say the snakes.
Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah
checks on the snakes again. He finds lots of little snakes,
and everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how the
"Certainly," say the snakes. "We're adders, so we need logs
A Sunday school teacher said to the children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"
One child blurted out, "Aces!"
Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.
Rusty I missed your jokes.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN ...
The Yoko club?
The German philosophy club?
The Ford-Nixon club?
The Arafat club?
The Ebert movie club?
The Groucho Marx club?
You bet your life.
The Peter Pan club?
The Japanese theater club?
The quarterback club?
The compulsive rhymers club?
The Spanish optometrists club?
The anti-perspirant club?
The procrastinators club?
Maybe next week.
The Self-Esteem Builders?
No - they probably would not accept me anyway.
The Agoraphobics Society?
Only if they meet at my house.
The Co-Dependence Club?
Can I bring a friend?
The Prayer Group?
Received from Stan Kegel.
A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor!
I think I'm shrinking!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just
have to be a little patient."
Received from Big Mac Clean Joke Attack.
Some midshipmen were tasked at the maritime museum to do the
"dirty work" of restoring a 60-year-old destroyer. One day
the Navy sent a crew of 20 men, while the Marines sent a
crew of three.
The curator teased one of the Navy midshipman, saying, "You
mean it takes twenty Navy guys to do the work of only three
"Sir, no sir," he snapped back. "The truth is, sir, it takes
six or seven of us to supervise each one of those Marines!"
Received from James.
How to Clean the House
1. Open a new folder on your PC.
2. Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete
6. Calmly answer, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly.
7. Feel better?
Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, 'Stop -Acts 2:38!' (..turn from your sin...). The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, 'Why did you just stand there? All she did was yell a scripture to you.' 'Scripture?' replied the burglar, 'She said she had an AXE and two 38's!'
After the pastor finished his sermon, he stayed at the doors and shook the people's hands as they went by, making sure to give a smile and a kind word to each one.
By the time he finished, most of the people milling around in the church lobby had left except for a few. The pastor noticed in particular one elderly woman who was sitting on one of the hallway plush benches, nearly in tears, rocking back and forth. Concerned, the pastor walked over to her and heard her emit the words, "How long, Lord? How long?"
Touched, he laid a hand on the white head. "Ma'am, God has heard you. I am sure that he will come through for you," he said soothingly. She looked up at him with a small smile and thanked him.
Feeling that he had done a very good deed, he turned and was about to walk out the doors when one of the bathroom doors opened and someone came out.
The pastor definitely had a feeling of chagrin when the old woman yelled, "Praise the Lord!" and ran inside.
Received from Missy Rogers.
A flock of sheep are romping in a field, happily going "baa
baa" to each other and discussing life as usual when
suddenly they hear a "moo mooooooooooooooooooo!"
They look around and see only sheep. They carry on playing
"Moooooo mooooooooooo mmmoo!"
One sheep can hear it all too clearly next to him. He
shuffles away a little from his friend, a worried look on
his face, and then asks, "Georgie, why are you mooing?
You're a sheep. Sheep go 'baa'!"
His friend replies gladly, "I know. I thought I would learn
a foreign language!"
Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.
People who like this sort of thing will find it just the sort of thing they like. ---Abraham Lincoln
Oh, the majesty of the law, which forbids rich and poor, alike, to sleep on park benches! ---Anatole France
I enjoy your company most when I am by myself.
This man's work cannot be underrated.
Way down deep he's shallow.
Before they made him they broke the mold.
Anyone who goes to a psychoanalyst should have his head examined. ---Samuel Goldwyn
Received from Marcus Bales.
Do you know why the chicken crossed the road?? He wanted to prove to the armadillo it could be done!
Walk On Water
Dallas heard that his father, grandfather and
great-grandfather had all walked on water on
their 21st birthdays.
So, on his 21st birthday, Dallas and his
big brother Damon, headed out to the lake.
"If they did it, I can too!" he insisted.
When Dallas and Damon arrived at the lake, they
rented a canoe and began paddling. When they
got to the middle of the lake, Dallas stepped
off of the side of the boat... and nearly
Furious and somewhat embarrassed, he and
Damon headed for home.
When Dallas arrived back at the family home,
he asked his grandmother for an explanation.
"Grandma, why can't I walk on water like my
father, and his father, and his father before
His sweet old grandmother took Dallas by the
hand, looked into his eyes, and explained,
"That's because your father, grandfather, and
great-grandfather were born in January,
You were born in June, dear."
- from Ann F.
Shades of, "Five Easy Pieces" and precocious children
I'll Have a Grilled Cheese Sandwich
The waitress comes over and recognizes the family seated at
the table -- Mr. and Mrs. Smith and their little son,
Jonathan. She says, "Jonathan, what would you like?"
He says, "I'll have a grilled cheese sandwich."
She says, "Jonathan, I'm sorry, we don't serve grilled
He says, "You have a grill, don't you?"
She says, "Yes."
He says, "You have cheese, don't you?"
She says, "Yes."
He says, "You have bread, don't you?"
She says, "Yes."
He says, "Well, I'll have a grilled cheese sandwich."
This kid is four years old!
The waitress says, "Jonathan, I'll go see if the chef will
fix you a grilled cheese sandwich."
She comes back in a little while and says, "Okay, Jonathan,
the chef agreed to fix you a grilled cheese sandwich. I
forgot to ask you, though, what you want to drink."
He says, "I'll have a milkshake."
She says, "Jonathan, your parents have probably already told
you we don't serve milkshakes." (She was ready for him this
time.) "Now, it is true we have milk. And it is true we have
ice cream. But we don't have the syrup."
He says, "You have a car, don't you?"
Received from Ed.
Thank you Rusty for always bringing a smile to my face.
Sorry, I just had to share it.
Q: Why does a blonde nurse carry a red Magic Marker?
A: In case she has to draw blood.
Received from Daily Groaner.
The boss came early in the morning one day and found an employee kissing his secretary. He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?"
The employee replied: "No, sir -- this I do free of charge."
Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
The computer in my high school classroom recently started
acting up. After watching me struggle with it, one of my
students came up and took over.
"Your hard drive crashed," he said.
I called the computer services office and explained, "My
computer is down. The hard drive crashed."
"We can't just send people down on your say-so. How do you
know that's the problem?"
"A student told me," I answered.
"We'll send someone over right away."
Received from Thomas Ellsworth.
Painting the Church
There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time. Eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.
Smokey put in a bid; and because his price was so low, he got the job.
So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.
Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried,
"Oh, God, Oh, God, forgive me. What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke,
(you're going to love this)
And thin no more!"
"Blessed are the cracked, for they are the ones who let in the light."
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!
BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.
JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
Best Puns of the Year
A couple months ago, I entered a contest and ended up
winning a few acres of swamp land below the flood plane in
Mississippi. Before I knew it, right after that I won a
$250,000 house, so naturally I built it on my new land. Last
week, I won enough money in the lottery to quit my job and
move down there for good. And just last night, as sat on my
new porch watching the rain and listening to the thunder, it
all started to sink in.
My son, Ken, was married yesterday. I heard him tell his
bride, Caryn, that his ring was so tight it was cutting off
his circulation. She replied, "That's what it is supposed to
Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that
developed a new drug which, when administered to women,
compels them to go join a convent? The FDA refused to
license it. Seems it was habit forming.
A naive young lass was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It
was her turn. She rolled the dice and landed on "Science &
Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and
someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a
minute or two and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
The patient is adamant. "Doc, I need a liver transplant, a
kidney transplant, a heart transplant, a cornea transplant,
a spleen transplant, a pancreas trans..." "What makes you
think you need all these?" " Well," replied the patient, "My
boss said if I wanted to keep my job I needed to get
The policeman couldn't believe his eyes when he saw a woman
drive past him on the freeway, busily knitting. Quickly he
pulled alongside the vehicle, rolled down his window and
shouted, "Pull over!" "No," the women yelled back
I was in the waiting room of my doctor's office the other
day when the doctor started yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus!
Measles!" I went up to the nurse and asked her what was
going on. She told me that the doctor liked to call the
shots around here.
The chef at a family-run restaurant had broken her leg and
came into our insurance office to file a disability claim.
As I scanned the claim form, I did a double take. Under
"Reason unable to work," she wrote: "Can't stand to cook."
I saw some strange goings on in the city today. A group of
sterile monks in white robes were circling a large urn
containing flowers, chanting, raising their hands, bowing to
the urn, and performing some kind of ritual on one young
member of the group. It appeared to be a vase sect to me.
Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at
their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an
argument as to who had the most important role. Finally the
14 year old said to her 8 year old younger sister, "Well,
you just go ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be
a virgin than it is to be an Angel!"
This guy is walking with his friend. He says to this friend,
"You know, Benny's a walking economy." His friend replies,
"How so?" "His hair line is in recession, his stomach is a
victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting
him into a deep depression."
I noticed the neighbor down the street was home every day,
so after a few weeks I asked him what was going on. He
replied, "I left my job because of illness and fatigue." A
few weeks later, his wife gave me the real truth of what
happened. Turns out my neighbor's boss got sick and tired of
Received from Stan Kegel.
a farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer
a little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and yelled
“what do u have in your truck”
"cow manure” the farmer replied
“what are u going to do with it” asked the little boy
“put it on strawberries” answered the farmer
“u ought to live here” the little boy replied "we put sugar and cream on ours”
did you hear about the woman who got hit by a car?
my question is, how did the car get into the kitchen?
how do you fix a woman’s watch?
no need, there’s a clock on the stove!
why are women’s feet smaller than a man’s?
so they can stand closer to the sink!
why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
he was dead!
what did Batman say to Robin before he got in the Batmobile?
get in the Batmobile!
a father from Europe visits his son in America for the very first time...they went to a local supermarket
father “vas diss, powdered orange juice?”
son “yeah, Dad...you just add water and you have fresh orange juice!”
a few minutes later, in a different aisle the father says “and vats dis, powdered milk?”
son “yeah, Dad...you just add water and you have fresh milk!”
a few minutes later the father says “und give look here...Baby Powder! vat a country! they take da fun outta everyting!”
Edited by: TRICIA1957 at: 6/24/2014 (10:33)
DOC'S DAILY CHUCKLE
Always Clean Chuckles
Laughter is the Best Medicine!
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The second item today is not a chuckle but
something to think about.
Sorry this did not go out on the 23rd. It got
hung up at the server.
1. Belt and Bag
2. Put Jesus Back In Christmas
Belt and Bag
I asked my nephew whether he bought his wife anything
"Yes", he said, "I bought her a belt and a bag."
"That was very nice of you", I replied, "I hope she
appreciated the thought."
He said, "So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner
will work better now."
We have been trying to find a belt for our vacuum cleaner, I/m thinking anniversary gift
Boudreaux was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. He told his wife, Marie, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, Marie was sitting there in black, and her friend Clotile was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the Marie said, "Wait just a minute!"
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So Clotile said to her, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
The always loyal Marie replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put all money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
Father O'Flannagan dies due to old age. Upon entering St.Peter's gate, there is another man in front, waiting to go into heaven. St. Peter asks the man, "What is your name what did you accomplish during your life?"
The man responds "My name is Joe Cohen, and I was a New York City Taxi driver for 14 years"
"Very well," says St. Peter, "Here is your silk robe and golden sceptre, now you may walk in the streets of our Lord."
St. Peter looks at the Father, and asks "What is your name and what did you accomplish?"
He responds, "I'm Father O'Flannagan, and have devoted the last 62 years to the Lord."
"Very well," says St. Peter, "Here is your cotton robe and wooden staff, you may enter."
"Wait a minute," says O'Flannagan, "You gave the taxi driver a silk robe and golden sceptre, why did I only get a cotton robe and wooden staff?"
"Well," St. Peter replied, "We work on a performance scale, you see while you preached, everyone slept, when he drove taxis, everyone prayed!"
7 reasons not to mess with children.
1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl: replied, "They will in a minute."
3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
4. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
5. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
6. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."
7. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
DISCLAIMER: a female email friend sent this to me. It may have been for humor or a message, I see humor so I will share
Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack...
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister,
or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over
in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires
only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
Everything on your face stays
its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years,
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes --
one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter
how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice
concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes.
Men Are Just Happier People
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators...YEP!!!
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it ......
and to the men who will enjoy reading it.
A Complete Search
A Scotchman with the romantic name of Bruce Wallace made
history at London's famous Scotland Yard shortly before the
war. He actually demanded an interview with the head of the
Yard to report that he had lost a shilling on Old Bond
Street and that he had been unable to find it.
The Scotland Yard official fell into the spirit of the
occasion and assured him that the entire London Police Force
would be put on the job.
That night, as fate would have it, something went wrong with
one of the gas pipes under Old Bond Street and fifty workmen
were dispatched to locate the source of the trouble. They
dug a ditch six feet wide straight across Old Bond Street,
stopping traffic completely, of course, and exposing all the
underground pipes to the open air.
Early in the morning, the bereaved Scotchman appeared on the
scene, took one look at the repair work in progress, and
shook his head with reluctant approval. "I must say one
thing for the rascals," he admitted. "They're thorough."
From Laughing Stock, Edited by Bennett Cerf, Grosset and
Dunlap, NY, 1945.
Received from Thorn Shunt.
When One Shows Up
A preacher prepared for Sunday morning service, but only one person, a farmer, was there. He asked the farmer, "What do you think we should do?"
The farmer replied with a drawl, "Well, if only one cow came into the barn, I'd feed it."
So the preacher mounted the pulpit and began to preach ... and preach ... and preach. After about two hours, he concluded.
Then he stepped down and said to the farmer, "So, what did you think?"
The farmer replied, "Well, if only one cow came into the barn, I certainly wouldn't try to feed it all the hay."
Received from Thomas Ellsworth.
I love that one, Rusty. You always make me laugh.
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and he went in for coronary surgery. The operation went well. As the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand. "We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?"
"I'm afraid I can't, Sister."
"Do you have any close relatives, then?"
"Just my sister in New Mexico," replied, "but she's a spinster nun."
"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied. "They are married to God."
"Okay," the man said with a smile, "then send the bill to my brother-in-law."
Received from Big Mac Clean Joke Attack.
This was not St. Bernards
Point of Service
At the clothing store where I work, I make it a point of pride to give customers my unvarnished opinion. One day, when a man emerged from the fitting room, I took one look at him and shook my head. "No, no," I said. "Those jeans look terrible on you. I'll go get you another pair."
As I walked away, I heard him mumble, "I was trying on the shirt."
Received from Sarah Haig (via Reader's Digest).
Rusty, did your wife 'smile' when she read this? We always miss your posts.
Welcome back, Rusty. I have to share the Retired Teacher one with several of our teachers who retired this year.
A pharmacist is going over the directions on a prescription bottle with an elderly patient. "Be sure not to take this more often than once every four hours," the pharmacist says.
"Don't worry," replies the patient. "It takes me four hours to get the lid off."
Received from ArcaMax Jokes.
Teachers About To Retire
You know you're a teacher about to retire when...
1. Fellow staff members greet you in the hall with, "Oh, stop smiling!"
2. You get up to the checkout counter at Barnes & Noble and you realize you're buying books you won't need next year.
3. Your file cabinets are getting lighter, and your circular file is getting heavier.
4. You find yourself saying, "Yes!" whenever an administrator or union officer asks you to be on a committee next year.
5. The custodian has complained to the principal that the trash he removes daily from your room is 10 to 20 times greater than any other room in the building - including the cafeteria.
6. The teachers in the grade below you complain about how horrible their kids are and you just smile.
7. The principal comes in for the final observation of the year and you throw a party for your class with lots of snacks, games and a visit from Frankie the clown.
8. You constantly find other teachers in your room measuring bookcases.
9. When the parent, who has complained about every teacher her kid has ever had, comes up to you and says, "My son is hoping to get you next year," you just smile!
10. You reflect on all the wonderful moments you had influencing the lives of young people and helping them learn... and praying they'll have caring teachers like you next year. Smile! Those unruly, wonderful young people will be voting soon!
Received from Becky Day.
Stupid Things Actually Said By Commentators In The World Of Soccer
1. Well, it's Liverpool two, Ipswich nil, and if the score stays this way, I've got to fancy Liverpool for the win.
2. He had an eternity to play that ball, but took too long.
3. And so they have not been able to improve on their 100% record.
4. With the last kick of the game, he scored with a header.
5. Well, it's a fabulous kaleidoscope of color: almost all the Brazilians are wearing yellow shirts.
6. If that had gone on, it would definitely have been a goal.
7. Their manager, Howard Wilkinson, isn't here today, which strongly suggests that he may be elsewhere.
8. I am a firm believer that if one team scores a goal, the other need to score two to win.
9. If a team scores early on, it often takes an early lead.
10. You cannot possibly have counted the number of passes made, but there were eight.
Received from Pastor Tim.
Thanks Rusty, I needed a good laugh tonight.
As a college senior, I had some roommates that only listened to Rush or Led Zeppelin. At the end of the year, we had a party, and we absolutely did not want to hear any more from those two groups. We took all the records and tapes of the two groups and had our neighbors hide them.
Our party went well. We had plenty of guests. We all had lots of fun.
Two days later, we visited with our neighbors, and one said, "We still have your tunes here. When would you like them back?"
I replied, "There's no rush."
Received from Stan Kegel.
My Daughter is Your Reward
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.
He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"
The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"
WOMEN VERSUS MEN
Ladies, Read Only The First Part -- Men, The Rest
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into
the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found
a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me
from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but
I failed to mention that there was a condition to your
wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times
The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she
wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will
also make your husband the most handsome man in the world,
an Adonis to whom women will flock."
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most
beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM -- she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in
the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the
richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and
what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM -- she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she
answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for
you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers, continue reading ...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story: Women think they're so smart. Let them
continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this, it only
goes to show that women never listen!
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."
Received from Pastor Tim.
A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be macho, so he went out walking with one of the hired hands.
As they were walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried to begin a conversation, "Say, look at that big bunch of cows."
The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.'"
"Herd of cows."
"Sure, I've heard of cows...there's a big bunch of 'em right over there."
Received from Steve Sanderson.
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale."
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat." And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold 68 cats."
Flying in Alaska
I was inspecting communications facilities in Alaska. Since I had little experience flying in small planes, I was nervous when we approached a landing strip in a snow-covered area. The pilot descended to just a couple hundred feet, then gunned both engines, climbed, and circled back. While my heart pounded, the passenger beside me seemed calm.
"I wonder why he didn't land," I said.
"He was checking to see if the landing strip was plowed," the man said.
As we made a second approach, I glanced out the window. "It looks plowed to me," I commented.
"No," my seatmate said. "It hasn't been cleared for some time."
"How can you tell?"
"Because," the man informed me, "I'm the guy who drives the plow."
Received from Thomas Ellsworth.
"I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop, "we don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?"
Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."
Received from Thomas Ellsworth.
Martha & Rusty, those are both really good...lol
There is a story about a new clerk in a supermarket. A customer asked him if she could buy half a grapefruit. Not knowing what to do, he excused himself to ask the manager.
"Some nut out there wants to buy half a grapefruit..." he began, and, suddenly realizing that the customer had entered the office behind him, continued, " ... and this lovely lady would like to buy the other half."
The manager was impressed with the way the clerk amicably resolved the problem and they later started chatting. "Where are you from?" asked the store manager.
"Lancaster, Pennsylvania," replied the clerk, "home of ugly women and great hockey teams."
"Oh, my *WIFE* is from Lancaster," challenged the manager.
Without skipping a beat, the clerk asked, "What team was she on?"
A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marvels at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.
"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"
"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."
"You sell them here?" the customer asks.
"Only $4 apiece," says Green.
The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
"You didn't eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.
"Hey, Green," he says, "you're selling me fish heads for $4 a piece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"
"You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already."
Received from Thomas Ellsworth.
Fire Safety Training
When the employees of a restaurant attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher.
"Pull the pin like a hand grenade," he explained, "and then press the trigger to release the foam."
Later an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin.
The instructor hinted, "Like a hand grenade, remember?"
In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin ... and hurled the extinguisher at the blaze.
Received from Thomas Ellsworth.
Great last line, I wasn't expecting it
In honor of Memorial Day:
DEAR MA & PA :
Am well. Hope you are. Tell brother Walt & Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile.
Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt & Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc..., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food.
But tell Walt & Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home.
Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.
The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors & Colonels just ride around & frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt & Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable like and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Be sure to tell Walt & Elmer to hurry & join before other fellers get into this setup & come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
I will have to remember that one, could have used it numerous times