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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 38,155
12/2/16 7:32 A

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Linda

My friend Linda is a bit older than most of the people in her office, and has worked there longer, so the rest of the staff often come to her with questions. She does not mind answering a quick question, but does not feel comfortable answering questions about the computer system. Her company had recently changed the help desk procedures and there had been e-mails about help desk protocol.

One day a young gal came to Linda with a question about the computer system. Linda asked if she had contacted "that guy who is sending all the e-mails." The other girl said she did not know who she was talking about, and Linda said "Fawk." The other girl said she had never heard of him. Linda told her that he had sent out several e-mails recently. The other girl again asked his name, and Linda said "Fawk." The other girl asked how that was spelled.

Linda said, "It is spelled FAQ." The other girl never asked her another question.

Received from Da Mouse Tracks.



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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 38,155
10/26/16 11:42 A

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Halloween Puns
Q: What did the papa ghost say to the baby ghost when they got in their car?
A: Fasten your sheet belt.

Q: What do you say when you meet a 3 headed monster?
A: Hello. Hello. Hello.

Q: What do you get if you leave a pile of bones in the sun?
A: A Skele-tan.

Q: Who are some of the werewolves' cousins?
A: The whatwolves and the whenwolves.

Q: Why did the spider buy a car?
A: He wanted to take it for a spin.

Q: What do little ghosts drink?
A: Evaporated milk.

Q: What's frightening and stuck on the end of your arm?
A: A terror wrist.



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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 38,155
10/8/16 11:56 P

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A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............
(scroll down)
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

--
Arlene



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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 38,155
10/7/16 3:09 P

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A Form Letter For Spam Email
Hello (insert a misspelling of the recipient's name here),

My name is (insert has-been celebrity's name here). I'm writing to you on behalf of (insert completely unheard-of worthy cause's name here).

If you click on (insert mysterious and suspicious link here) today, not only will you donate (insert insignificant amount of money in cents here) for each click, but you'll also receive (insert ridiculously-low new mortgage rate here) and (insert phenomenal body enhancement here)!

Not only that, you'll be eligible to win a brand new (insert hot, trendy electronic gadget here), a (insert next year here) model (insert insanely expensive car brand here)! Act now, we have only (insert very low but still appealing quantity here) left to give away!

Also, if you click on (insert even more mysterious and suspicious link here) within the next (insert amazingly-soon amount of time here), you'll be entered into our drawing for (insert relatively high, but still seemingly feasible quantity of money here)! That's right, by trying out a 30-day sample of (insert new, snazzy wonder-drug here), not only will you (insert miracle of health or well-being that couldn't possibly come from previously inserted drug here), but you'll help rescue (insert practically unbelievable quantity of a relatively small country's population here) from widespread (insert globally challenging, heart-tugging disease or living condition here).

This (insert candy-coated terminology for the word "spam" here) was brought to you by (insert name of also completely unheard-of company with the word "marketing" or some other legitimate-sounding term here). If you'd like to unsubscribe from future mailings, please write to (insert P.O. Box address from either a major metropolitan city in New England or a backwoods, one-stop-sign town in the middle of nowhere). You can also click (insert one final mysterious and suspicious link designed to quadruple your "future mailings" here) to unsubscribe.

Received from Mikey's Funnies.



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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 38,155
10/3/16 2:11 P

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Real Faith
A grandfather was going by his little granddaughter's room one night when he saw her kneeling beside her bed, with head bowed and hands folded, repeating the alphabet.

"What are you doing?" he asked her.

She explained, "I'm saying my prayers, but I couldn't think of just what I wanted to say. So I'm just saying all the letters of the alphabet, and God can put them together however he thinks best."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.
--



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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 38,155
9/14/16 11:45 P

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Conjoined twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Bud Lights, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on vacation yet, fellas?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car, and drive for miles and miles, don't we, Jim?"

Jim nods.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country...the history, the culture, and especially the beer."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Bud Lights, that's for us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English people, they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.

John replies: "Gives Jim a chance to drive..."




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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 38,155
9/6/16 11:42 A

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Email from God
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?

Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get the email either.

Received from FranCMT2.



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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 38,155
8/31/16 8:25 P

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50th Wedding Anniversary
During their 50th anniversary wedding celebration at a banquet in their honor, my Dad was asked to give a brief account of the benefits achieved from being married for so long.

My father stood up, thought for a long moment, then said, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness, and...." he paused.

"And?" someone cried out from the back of the room.

"...and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single!" my father exclaimed.

The room erupted in laughter.

Received from Richard G Wimer.



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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 38,155
8/29/16 3:26 P

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Proud of You
As one of the relatively few female airline pilots, I've often been mistaken for a flight attendant, ticket agent, or even a snack-bar employee. Occasionally people will see me in uniform and ask if I'm a "real" pilot. Still others congratulate me for making it in a male-dominated field. One day I was in the restroom before a flight. I was at the sink, brushing my teeth, when a woman walked through the door and looked over at me. "My sister would be so proud of you!" she remarked.

I figured her sister must be in the airline business, so I smiled and asked why.

Replied the woman, "She's a dentist."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.



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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 38,155
8/22/16 11:09 P

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Exercises with Your Dog/Puppy
You've seen those ads on TV promising amazing results from all sorts of contraptions. Well, there's no need to invest in fancy equipment. If you have (or can borrow) a dog, you have everything you need to get in shape now!!! The following exercises can be done anywhere, anytime.

Upper Body Strength: Lift the dog - off the couch, off the bed, out of the flower bed. Repeat, repeat, repeat. As the dog ages, this exercise is reversed onto the couch, onto the bed, into the car and so on.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 1: Remove your puppy from unsuitable tight places. If they're too small for him, they're certainly too small for you. Do it anyway!

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 2: Practice not falling when your dog bounds across the full length of the room, sails through the air, and slams both front paws into your chest.

Balance and Coordination, Exercise 3: (for use with multiple dogs) Remove all dogs from lap and answer the phone before it stops ringing.

Upper Arms: Throw the ball. Throw the squeaky toy. Throw the Frisbee. Repeat until nauseous.

Upper Arms: (alternate) Tug the rope. Tug the pull toy. Tug the sock. Repeat until your shoulder is dislocated or the dog gives up (we all know which comes first).

Hand Coordination: Remove foreign object from dog's locked jaw. This exercise is especially popular with puppy owners. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Remember, this is a timed exercise. Movements must be quick and precise (think concert pianist) to prevent trips to the vet, which only offer the minimal exercise benefit of jaw firming clenches.

Calves: After the dog has worn out the rest of your body, hang a circular toy on your ankle and let the dog tug while you tug back. WARNING: This is feasible only for those with strong bones and small dogs.

Received from FranCMT2.



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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 38,155
8/19/16 10:35 P

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Appendix Worry

Old Jacob Johnson, raging hypochondriac, was convinced that the pain on his left side was appendicitis. Mrs Johnson explained that the appendix is on the right.

"So, aha! THAT's why it hurts to much," said Jacob. "My appendix is on the wrong side!"

Received from Pastor Tim.



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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 38,155
8/18/16 4:14 A

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Large Truck
A large truck was tailing my son as he drove through town with a female classmate. The truck matched them turn for turn, down every street.

My son's concern grew to alarm when the menacing-looking driver pulled next to him at a light, leaned out his window, and glared into his car. After a long, hard stare, the man grinned and called to my son, "Sorry, kid, I thought that was my daughter."

Received from Clean Laffs.



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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 38,155
8/16/16 2:04 P

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Tarp As Shacks
On my birthday I got a really funny card. It joked about how our bodies might be getting older, but our minds remain "tarp as shacks."

I wanted to thank the person who sent it, but I can't. They forgot to sign the card.

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.
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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 38,155
8/16/16 12:24 A

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Picture Menu
I stopped at the local Burger King for a cold drink and was reading the menu over the counter. I noticed a sign to the side that stated "Picture Menu Available".

I had to ask the clerk what it was for and she told me that they had a number of customers who couldn't read and they used that.

Of course I asked how they would know this picture menu was available and her answer was the classic, "Well, it says so on the sign, doesn't it?"

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.
--



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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 38,155
8/13/16 10:59 P

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A New Wine From Walmart
Some Wal-Mart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range. Thought you would like to be first in line to buy some!

"While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I. She said: "The right name is important."

So, here we go--the top 12 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:

12. Chateau Traileur Parc

11. White Trashfindel

10. Big Red Gulp

9. Grape Expectations

8. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"

7. NASCARbernet

6. Chef Boyardeaux

5. Peanut Noir

4. Chateau des Moines

3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!

2. World Championship Riesling

And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine

1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with white meat (possum) and red meat (squirrel).

Received from FranCMT2.



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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 38,155
7/26/16 12:31 P

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You Know It's Summer in Florida When...
You Know It's Summer in Florida When...

- When your car is overheating before you drive it.

- Your computer won't work unless it has it's own AC blowing on it.

- Hot air balloons can't go up, because the air outside is hotter than the heated air in the balloon

- Airplanes can't land because the asphalt runways are too soft.

- You discover that you can drive the car using only two fingers on the hot steering wheel.

- The ducks in the park are designated "original recipe" and "extra crispy."

-More hot water comes from the cold water tap than the hot one.

- Your pool water boils so much in the sun that you can boil potatoes in ten minutes in it.

- You burn the grass by watering it with the hose.

- The hotdogs sold outside the Home Depot are actually hot.

- A hot shower cools you off.

- The politicians have to take their hands out of your pockets to fan themselves.

- You cover the leather seats in the car with cloth or sit on towels.

- At noon in July, the kids are on summer vacation, and no one is moving on the streets.

- Sunscreen is sold at the front of the checkout counter, a formula less than 30 SPF is a joke, and you wear it just to go shopping.

- You burn your hand opening the car door and your rear end wearing shorts on the hot seats.

- You notice the best parking place is determined by the shade under trees instead of the distance to the door.

- Your dog refuses to go outside so you are forced to build and inside a/c toilet facility for it.

- All picnics feature hot food like it or not.

- There is no such thing as "Cool Aid."

- The beaches are over populated with natives instead of tourists.

Received from FranCMT2.



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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 38,155
7/25/16 11:13 P

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Church Signs
1. "No God - No Peace? Know God - Know Peace."

2. "Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"

3. "Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."

4. "Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"

5. An ad for one Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads: "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets."

6. When the restaurant next to another Church put out a sign with big red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."

7. "People are like tea bags - you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."

8. "Fight truth decay - study the Bible daily."

9. "How will you spend eternity - Smoking or Non-smoking?"

10. "Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"

11. "Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."

12. "It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."

13. "Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."

14. "If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."

15. "If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."

16. "Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon."

17. "This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ----- (U R)

18. "In the dark? Follow the Son."

19. "Running low on faith? Step in for a fill-up."

20. "If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."

21. There was a church that had problems with outsiders parking in its parking lots, so they put up a sign: CHURCH CAR PARKING - FOR MEMBERS ONLY, TRESPASSERS WILL BE BAPTIZED! That took care of the problem!

Received from FranCMT2.



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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 38,155
7/21/16 3:18 P

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Mars
On the way to spend the weekend with us, our grandchildren noticed a bright star in the sky. Our daughter, Nancy, told them that it was Mars, which was at its closest and brightest in many thousands of years. She went on to provide a simplified explanation of the solar system suitable for her young listeners in the back seat. Nancy ended her explanation with, "We live on a planet called Earth."

After a long pause, my four-year-old grandson asked, "What planet does Grandpa live on?"

Received from Da Mouse Tracks.



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7/20/16 9:15 P

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The Bacon Tree
A group of early settlers heading West got off the Oregon Trail and found themselves lost and running out of supplies. One evening, they camped near a stream, and as it became darker, they saw a campfire a little way up the hill on the same stream.

The next morning, they headed out to see who was there. They found a small cave and an old Rabi had made his home there.

"We're lost and hungry, can you help us?"

He thought a moment, then said, "I have very little and can only share the water in this stream, and I know only that there's a Bacon Tree about a mile West of here along the stream."

They couldn't pack up and roll out fast enough, the thought of BACON filled their minds. As they went through a small narrow gorge, they were accosted by a band of Walla Walla Indians who were not happy to see them and would have robbed them if they had anything of value.

Beaten up and nursing a few wounds, they got out, but the leader of the group went back to the old Rabi with several men, all of them angry. "You said there was a Bacon Tree, and all we found was an Ambush by angry Indians!"

The Rabi thought a moment, adjusted his little round glasses, looked up and said. "Oy Vey! Ham Bush, Bacon Tree, who knew?"

Received from Jim Daniel.



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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 38,155
7/12/16 8:41 P

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Senior Ramblings
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one so I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust."

I have gotten that dreaded "furniture disease." My chest is falling into my drawers!

I know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . .write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me... they are cramming for finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

Received from FranCMT2.



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7/5/16 12:19 P

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Signs - Here and There
The following are actual signs seen across the good ol' U.S.A.:

At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.

In a New York restaurant: Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.

On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 38 years on the same spot.

In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.

In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.

In a New York drugstore: We dispense with accuracy.

In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.

In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center

On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.

On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.

At a number of military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel.

On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs.

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.

In a funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan.

In a clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: 15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!

On a shopping mall marquee: Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced

Outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.

In the window of an Oregon store: Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?

In a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends.

On a radiator repair garage: Best place to take a leak.

In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.

In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

On the grounds of a public school: No trespassing without permission.

On a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.



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7/4/16 6:14 P

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Literature Buff Message
A literature buff, my friend Larry installed an answering machine on his telephone. Instead of the usual instructions about leaving a message, Larry recorded a parody of Hamlet's famous soliloquy:

"To speak, or not to speak, that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to leave a message after the beep, or to take arms against a sea of answering machines, and by opposing, end them. To dial, to speak, no more. Thus answering machines do make cowards of us all."

Received from Clean Laffs.



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7/3/16 11:47 P

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There's Nothing the Matter with Me!
There's nothing the matter with me,
I'm just as healthy as can be,
I have arthritis in both knees,
And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.
My pulse is weak, my blood is thin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

All my teeth have had to come out,
And my diet I hate to think about.
I'm overweight and I can't get thin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

And arch supports I need for my feet,
Or I wouldn't be able to go out in the street.
Sleep is denied me night after night,
But every morning I find I'm all right.
My memory's failing, my head's in a spin.
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

Old age is golden I've heard it said,
But sometimes I wonder, as I go to bed.
With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup,
And my glasses on a shelf, until I get up.
And when sleep dims my eyes, I say to myself,
Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?

The reason I know my youth has been spent,
Is my get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went!
But really I don't mind, when I think with a grin,
Of all the places my get-up has been.

I get up each morning and dust off my wits,
Pick up the paper and read the obits.
If my name is missing, I'm therefore not dead,
So I eat a good breakfast and jump back into bed.

The moral of this as the tale unfolds,
Is that for you and me, who are growing old.
It is better to say, "I'm fine" with a grin,
Than to let people know the shape we are in.

I AM FINE; HOW ARE YOU?

Received from Cathy Gilstrap.



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6/30/16 8:43 P

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The Glass Perspective 2
A friend of mine was a philosophy major during his first semester in college. One day in a seminar class, they spent a great deal of time debating whether the glass was half full or half empty. After the class, my friend was feeling pretty good about himself and what he was learning at university, so when he went home, he tried to continue the discussion with his family.

With maximum drama, he took a 12 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured in 6 ounces of water. Then took it into the dining room and placed it in the middle of the table. He proudly asked his family, "Can anyone tell me whether this glass is half full or half empty." Without missing a beat, his grandmother replied, "Depends if you're drinking or pouring."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.



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6/24/16 5:25 A

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Old but still funny

The Funeral
A priest, a rabbi, a doctor and a lawyer are gathered at a mutual friend's graveside to mourn his passing.

The priest says to the others, "I think our good friend would have liked to take something with him to his next life." He pulls a $100 bill from his wallet and drops it on the casket.

The rabbi agrees, "That's a fine idea," and drops his own $100 bill on the casket.

The doctor, not to be outdone, does the same.

The lawyer murmurs, "What a wonderful thought," as he gazes down at their friend's casket. Whipping out his pen, he quickly writes a check for $400, drops it into the grave and takes the three $100 bills as change.

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.



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6/22/16 10:58 A

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The Old Couple
While on a car trip, the old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. The old woman left her glasses on the table, but didn't miss them until they were back on the highway. By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around.

The old man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant. When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the old man said, "While you're in there, you may as well get my hat, too."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.
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6/21/16 2:02 P

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Three Priests
Three priests were sitting around discussing how things were going at their respective parishes.

The first priest complains of a terrible bat infestation at his church, and it is soon apparent that this is something of an epidemic at all three parishes. After much discussion of all matters clerical, they go home for the night.

After a week or so, they meet again and discuss the bat problem.

Priest-1: I tried to get rid of my bats this week. I shot at them with my shotgun, but I think I damaged the belfry more than the bats! I still have no way of getting rid of them!

Priest-2: I tried another way. I couldn't bring myself to shoot them, after all they are God's creatures, so I went up with a big box. I knocked all the bats into the box with a stick and drove out to the forest where I released them. But they were back at the church before I was!!

Priest-3: I've solved the problem. I did much the same thing. I had all the bats in the box, but before I released them, I baptized and confirmed every one of them, and they have not been back since......

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.



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6/17/16 10:55 A

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The Poor Sermon
A minister was called away unexpectedly by the illness of a close family member. He entrusted his new assistant with filling the pulpit. The Pastor's wife stayed home. When he returned, the Pastor asked his wife what she thought of the young man's sermon.

"The poorest I've ever heard," she said. "There was nothing in it, nothing at all. It didn't even make sense. It was very unorganized. I was disappointed."

Later that day, the concerned minister met his assistant and asked him, "How'd the Sunday service and sermon go? Did all go well? How did you manage?"

"All went very well, sir, absolutely wonderful," he said. "I didn't have time to prepare a new sermon of my own on such short notice, so I got on your computer and pulled up one of your old sermons from last year."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.



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6/9/16 1:51 P

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Good Job
My sister landed a good job with an accounting firm, and after a while she got a generous raise. The day she found out about it, her husband picked her up from work, and they stopped for ice cream. As they continued home, my sister blurted out, "Isn't it hard to believe that I have a job that pays this much money?"

Just then, she went to toss the last of her ice cream cone out the window. However, the window was closed, and it smacked against the glass.

Her husband replied calmly, "Yes."

Received from Da Mouse Tracks.



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5/30/16 12:23 P

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Freshman Dance
A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child."

"Please forgive me," responded the underclassman. "I didn't realize you were pregnant."

Received from Clean Laffs.



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5/29/16 2:23 P

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Second Bid
This little not-for-profit organization is having problems with the air conditioning in its small computer room, reports a technician working there.

"It was routinely getting into the low 80's," he says. "We thought the air conditioning for the room should be plenty for the space, but we had added a number of additional systems."

So the organization brings in a vendor to see what beefing up the cooling system will cost. The quote is in the neighborhood of $25,000 -- a way-too-pricey neighborhood for this outfit.

"At non-profits, money is never in abundance and we knew we wouldn't be able to scrape up anywhere close to $25,000," says the technician. "However, our board required us to get three quotes for any expense close to that. So we brought in a competing vendor."

The second air-conditioning guy walks into the computer room and looks around for a minute. Then he picks up a spare cardboard box off the floor and tapes it over the thermostat. "No charge," he says.

It turns out the air-conditioning vent was blowing directly onto the thermostat. So as soon as it would turn on, the thermostat would register the temperature change and shut the air conditioner off.

The technician reported, "We did end up spending $100 or so to replace the cardboard box with something nicer -- and to buy dinner for the second vendor."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.



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5/28/16 11:59 P

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Late Physicist
There was this physicist who was in the habit of getting home quite late. One time, he came home at 2:30 a.m. with a torn shirt, lipstick on his collar, hair messed up, and generally looking like a wreck. His wife caught him coming in the door and demanded to know why he came home so late.

His replied, "Well, after I left work today, a few friends and I went out to the bar for a few drinks. We met up with some rather good-looking young women and started to drink to excess. Things just kept happening, as you can well see. I sobered up enough to note how late it was, so I rushed home."

She screamed, "You liar! You were in the lab again, weren't you?"

Received from Clean Laffs.



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5/27/16 12:17 A

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The Not-So-Dumb Blonde
I came in to work early the other day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling. Just then one of my co-workers (she's blonde ... it'll be important later) came in and asked me what I'm doing.

"Shh," I said, " I'm a light bulb -- I'm acting crazy to get a few days off, as there is an out of town wedding I need to go to until Tuesday."

A minute later the boss walked by and asked me what I was doing.

"I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.

"You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off, and come back when you are less stressed."

With that, I jumped down and started walking out. My co-worker started following me and the boss asked where she was going.

"I can't work in the dark," she said.

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.



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5/24/16 11:46 A

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Havaii
As Morris and his wife, Sherry, were planning a vacation, they ended up in an argument, "It's 'Hawaii', I'm telling you!"

Sherry said. "I never KNEW someone so stubborn! 'Havaii' is how it's pronounced!" he replied. And so it went all the way to the vacation... As they got off the airplane, they passed a man.

Morris abruptly stopped the wife and turned to the man to ask, "Now that we're on the island, you can settle an argument between my wife and me. Is this 'Hawaii' or 'Havaii'?"

"This is Havaii," the man replied. "Ha!" the husband gloated to his wife. "See, didn't I tell you never to argue with me?"

As they began to walk away, Morris turned back and gave the man a hearty, "Thank you!"

"You're velcome!" he called back.

Received from Marty's Joke of the Day.



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5/22/16 10:32 P

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Games Old People Play
1. Sag, you're It.

2. Hide and go wee.

3. Twenty questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

Received from FranCMT2.



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5/21/16 11:12 P

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Cheap Suit
The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. "But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm," he complained.

"That's why the suit is such a bargain," the sales clerk explained. "Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this."

"But the right leg is way too short," argued the customer.

"No problem," the sales clerk answered. "Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. That's why this suit is only thirty dollars."

Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suit's left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car. Two doctors happened along and noticed him. "Good heavens," the first doctor said to the second, "look at that poor crippled fellow."

"Yeah," answered the second doctor. "But doesn't that suit fit great?"

Received from Marty's Joke of the Day.



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5/18/16 12:26 A

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Fractions
Our school's math teachers was giving a lesson on fractions and wrote an example on the chalkboard. He explained that the numerator was the top and the denominator the bottom. Leaning against the board, he asked the class, "Are there any questions?"

When he turned back to face the board, laughter filled the room. "Mr. Alexander," one student giggled, "you have chalk dust all over your denominator!"

Received from Da Mouse Tracks.



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5/14/16 2:36 P

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Bosses' Night
At an annual Bosses' Night dinner for Helena, Montana, lawyers, sponsored by legal secretaries, it was time to announce the Boss of the Year.

The master of ceremonies began: "First of all, our winner is a graduate of the University of Montana. So that already eliminates some of you as candidates.

"Our winner also is a partner in a downtown Helena law firm. That eliminates some more of you.

"Our nominee is honest, upright, dedicated..."

A voice from the audience cut in: "Well, there go the rest of us!"

Received from You Make Me Laugh.



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5/13/16 7:18 A

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Signs You're Getting Too Old To Drive
You think an SUV might be too small to be safe.

It takes more than four minutes to get out of your car.

When backing into a parking spot, you just back up until you hear something.

It scares you to drive the speed limit.

The only thing you pass on the road anymore is the Amish.

You use cruise control because your leg fell asleep.

You use cruise control at 25 mph.

You inquired if the dealership could install magnifying glass for the windshield.

Your turn signal has been on since 2003.

Your bumper sticker endorses Eisenhower.

Received from Laugh & Lift.



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5/12/16 10:47 P

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Green Banana
This bloke is working on the buses and collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the bloke is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair.

On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"

"Yes" answers the executioner.

"Can I have that green banana?" the man asks.

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits until he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go?" the man asks.

"I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."

The man leaves and eventually gets his job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas. The bloke is again sat in the chair.

"What is your final wish?" asks the executioner.

"Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man.

The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still there smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all the electricity in America to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

"What's your final wish?" asks the executioner.

"Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?"

The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner then pulls the handle and a zillion million trillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand. How you can still be alive after all that?" He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it?" he asked.

"Nahh" said the bloke,"...I'm just a really bad conductor."

Received from Anthea Williams.



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5/9/16 7:32 P

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Second Bid
This little not-for-profit organization is having problems with the air conditioning in its small computer room, reports a technician working there.

"It was routinely getting into the low 80's," he says. "We thought the air conditioning for the room should be plenty for the space, but we had added a number of additional systems."

So the organization brings in a vendor to see what beefing up the cooling system will cost. The quote is in the neighborhood of $25,000 -- a way-too-pricey neighborhood for this outfit.

"At non-profits, money is never in abundance and we knew we wouldn't be able to scrape up anywhere close to $25,000," says the technician. "However, our board required us to get three quotes for any expense close to that. So we brought in a competing vendor."

The second air-conditioning guy walks into the computer room and looks around for a minute. Then he picks up a spare cardboard box off the floor and tapes it over the thermostat. "No charge," he says.

It turns out the air-conditioning vent was blowing directly onto the thermostat. So as soon as it would turn on, the thermostat would register the temperature change and shut the air conditioner off.

The technician reported, "We did end up spending $100 or so to replace the cardboard box with something nicer -- and to buy dinner for the second vendor."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.



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5/5/16 11:20 A

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Weight For Help
Somewhat skeptical of his son's newfound determination to become Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department, admiring a set of weights.

"Please, Dad," pleaded the boy, "I promise I'll use 'em every day."

"I don't know, Michael. It's really a commitment on your part," the father pointed out.

"Please, Dad?" the boy continued.

"They're not cheap either," the father came back.

"I'll use 'em Dad, I promise. You'll see."

Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door.

From the corner of the store he heard his son yelp, "What! You mean I have to carry them to the car?"

Received from Pastor Tim.



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5/4/16 9:41 P

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Parking Solution
A pastor of a two-church parish had to drive every Sunday morning about four miles from the 9:30 service at one church to the 11 o'clock at the other. He would often find the parking lot of the second church full, and he would be forced to park down the road and race to the church on foot.

The problem was finally solved when he selected a parking spot near the side door of the church and posted a sign that read, "You Park - You Preach."

Received from You Make Me Laugh.



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4/24/16 9:02 P

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My Business
A father walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25-cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat.

He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.

A middle-aged, fairly unremarkable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but only just) the man takes hold of the kid and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy coughs up the quarter, which the man catches in his free hand.

The man then walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son was fine, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him.

The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the thanks.

As he's about to leave, the father asks one last question. "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic - what are you, a surgeon or something like that?"

"No" the man replies, "I work for the IRS, getting people to cough it up is my business."

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.



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4/23/16 4:02 P

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New Things to Ponder
Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does s/he call?

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose- fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

Received from Irene A. Mystery.



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4/14/16 10:41 P

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Vise Grip
When I noticed a broken vise grip in the trash can, I decided to buy my husband a new one for his birthday. I went to the hardware store and asked the salesman, "Do you have any heavy-duty vises?"

"Sorry, ma'am," he replied. "I gave them all up for Lent."

[Thanks to Reader's Digest.]

Received from Clean-Laffs.



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4/13/16 9:21 P

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I bought a new pair of walking shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day



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Vet Bills
While waiting at the veterinarian's office, I overheard two women chatting about their dogs.

"What's your dog's name?" asked the first woman.

"Well, we used to call her Pork Chop," answered the second lady. "But after the vet bills we've had for her, we now call her Filet Mignon."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.



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4/4/16 7:57 P

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Keeping Grandpa
At my grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary, I was looking through a photo album of their marriage ceremony. "Grandma, so many of these styles have come back over the years," I commented.

Grandma never hesitated. "That's why I've kept Grandpa all this time," she said. "I know he'll be back in style again one of these days."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.
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4/2/16 7:24 P

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You're Not a Kid Anymore When
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You quit trying to hold in your stomach, no matter who walks into the room.

You enjoy watching the news.

The phone rings and you hope it's not for you.

The only reason you're still awake at 4 am is indigestion.

People ask what color your hair USED to be.

You're proud of your lawnmower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age AND isn't breaking any laws.

You start singing along with the elevator music.

You really do want a new washing machine for your birthday.

Your car has four doors.

You routinely check the oil in your car.

You've owned clothes so long that they've come back into style TWICE.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

7 AM is your idea of "sleeping in."

You don't remember when you got that mole...or the one next to it.

You write thank you notes without being told.

Neighbors borrow your tools.

- according to Jeff Foxworthy

Received from Dave's Chuckles.



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4/1/16 6:57 P

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Hair
Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to wondering about things. "Mommy, why has Daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.

"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.

"So why do YOU have so much hair?" Little Johnny asks.

"Go eat your breakfast!" snarled his mother.

Received from Da Mouse Tracks.



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3/29/16 9:09 P

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The Stethoscope
A nurse on the pediatric ward, before listening to the little ones' chests, would plug the stethoscope into their ears and let them listen to their own hearts.

Their eyes would always light up with awe. But she never got a response to equal four-year-old David's. She placed the disk over his heart. "Listen," she said, "what do you suppose that is?"

He drew his eyebrows together in a puzzled line and looked up, as if lost in the mystery of the strange tap-tap-tapping deep in his chest.

Then his face broke out in a wondrous grin. "Is that Jesus knocking?" he asked.

"Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me." (Revelation 3:20)

Received from Scott Neville.
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3/26/16 4:54 P

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Dumb Jock
The huge college freshman figured he'd try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.

"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.

"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"

"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred-yard dash.

"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"

The freshman rolled his eyes and hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.



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3/21/16 9:43 P

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Ten-Thousand Roaches
A woman called up a pet store and said, "Send me ten-thousand cockroaches at once."

"What in the world do you want with ten-thousand cockroaches?" asked the clerk.

"Well," replied the woman, "I am moving today and my lease says I must leave the place in the same condition I found it."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.



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3/15/16 4:24 A

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Cousin Thomas
When Alexandra, my niece, was preparing for her first day of school, she confided in her mom that she was concerned about how her cousin Thomas's behavior in the classroom might reflect on her. "He burps and screams, he won't listen and he won't sit still," she lamented.

"Well, how did it go at school?" her mom asked her when she picked Alexandra up at the end of the day. "Did Thomas do anything to embarrass you?"

"Oh, no," Alexandra replied. "All the boys are like that!"

Received from Da Mouse Tracks.



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