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7/2/14 11:16 P

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Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

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6/25/14 2:02 A

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Best Puns of the Year

A couple months ago, I entered a contest and ended up
winning a few acres of swamp land below the flood plane in
Mississippi. Before I knew it, right after that I won a
$250,000 house, so naturally I built it on my new land. Last
week, I won enough money in the lottery to quit my job and
move down there for good. And just last night, as sat on my
new porch watching the rain and listening to the thunder, it
all started to sink in.

My son, Ken, was married yesterday. I heard him tell his
bride, Caryn, that his ring was so tight it was cutting off
his circulation. She replied, "That's what it is supposed to
do."

Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that
developed a new drug which, when administered to women,
compels them to go join a convent? The FDA refused to
license it. Seems it was habit forming.

A naive young lass was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It
was her turn. She rolled the dice and landed on "Science &
Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and
someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a
minute or two and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

The patient is adamant. "Doc, I need a liver transplant, a
kidney transplant, a heart transplant, a cornea transplant,
a spleen transplant, a pancreas trans..." "What makes you
think you need all these?" " Well," replied the patient, "My
boss said if I wanted to keep my job I needed to get
reorganised."

The policeman couldn't believe his eyes when he saw a woman
drive past him on the freeway, busily knitting. Quickly he
pulled alongside the vehicle, rolled down his window and
shouted, "Pull over!" "No," the women yelled back
cheerfully, "Socks!"

I was in the waiting room of my doctor's office the other
day when the doctor started yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus!
Measles!" I went up to the nurse and asked her what was
going on. She told me that the doctor liked to call the
shots around here.

The chef at a family-run restaurant had broken her leg and
came into our insurance office to file a disability claim.
As I scanned the claim form, I did a double take. Under
"Reason unable to work," she wrote: "Can't stand to cook."

I saw some strange goings on in the city today. A group of
sterile monks in white robes were circling a large urn
containing flowers, chanting, raising their hands, bowing to
the urn, and performing some kind of ritual on one young
member of the group. It appeared to be a vase sect to me.

Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at
their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an
argument as to who had the most important role. Finally the
14 year old said to her 8 year old younger sister, "Well,
you just go ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be
a virgin than it is to be an Angel!"

This guy is walking with his friend. He says to this friend,
"You know, Benny's a walking economy." His friend replies,
"How so?" "His hair line is in recession, his stomach is a
victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting
him into a deep depression."

I noticed the neighbor down the street was home every day,
so after a few weeks I asked him what was going on. He
replied, "I left my job because of illness and fatigue." A
few weeks later, his wife gave me the real truth of what
happened. Turns out my neighbor's boss got sick and tired of
him.

Received from Stan Kegel.




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6/24/14 10:30 A

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a farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer

a little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and yelled
“what do u have in your truck”

"cow manure” the farmer replied

“what are u going to do with it” asked the little boy

“put it on strawberries” answered the farmer

“u ought to live here” the little boy replied "we put sugar and cream on ours”

----------------------------------------
--------------------------------------
------------

did you hear about the woman who got hit by a car?
my question is, how did the car get into the kitchen?

how do you fix a woman’s watch?
no need, there’s a clock on the stove!

why are women’s feet smaller than a man’s?
so they can stand closer to the sink!

why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
he was dead!

what did Batman say to Robin before he got in the Batmobile?
get in the Batmobile!

________________________________________
___________________________


a father from Europe visits his son in America for the very first time...they went to a local supermarket

father “vas diss, powdered orange juice?”

son “yeah, Dad...you just add water and you have fresh orange juice!”

a few minutes later, in a different aisle the father says “and vats dis, powdered milk?”

son “yeah, Dad...you just add water and you have fresh milk!”

a few minutes later the father says “und give look here...Baby Powder! vat a country! they take da fun outta everyting!”



Edited by: TRICIA1957 at: 6/24/2014 (10:33)
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6/23/14 10:09 A

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DOC'S DAILY CHUCKLE

Always Clean Chuckles

Laughter is the Best Medicine!
________________________________________
Please feel welcome to forward this email to your
friends, inviting them to become a member of the
Doc's Daily Chuckle family!

If you got this from a friend and would like your own
copy sent to you regularly, please sign up at
http://family-safe-mail.com/lists/?p=sub
scribe&id=55

________________________________________

The second item today is not a chuckle but
something to think about.
Sorry this did not go out on the 23rd. It got
hung up at the server.
Doc

Today's Chuckles

1. Belt and Bag
2. Put Jesus Back In Christmas

------------------------------

Belt and Bag

I asked my nephew whether he bought his wife anything
for Christmas.

"Yes", he said, "I bought her a belt and a bag."

"That was very nice of you", I replied, "I hope she
appreciated the thought."

He said, "So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner
will work better now."


We have been trying to find a belt for our vacuum cleaner, I/m thinking anniversary gift



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6/21/14 12:30 A

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Boudreaux was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. He told his wife, Marie, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, Marie was sitting there in black, and her friend Clotile was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the Marie said, "Wait just a minute!"
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So Clotile said to her, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
The always loyal Marie replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put all money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

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6/19/14 9:09 A

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Taxi!

Father O'Flannagan dies due to old age. Upon entering St.Peter's gate, there is another man in front, waiting to go into heaven. St. Peter asks the man, "What is your name what did you accomplish during your life?"

The man responds "My name is Joe Cohen, and I was a New York City Taxi driver for 14 years"

"Very well," says St. Peter, "Here is your silk robe and golden sceptre, now you may walk in the streets of our Lord."

St. Peter looks at the Father, and asks "What is your name and what did you accomplish?"

He responds, "I'm Father O'Flannagan, and have devoted the last 62 years to the Lord."

"Very well," says St. Peter, "Here is your cotton robe and wooden staff, you may enter."

"Wait a minute," says O'Flannagan, "You gave the taxi driver a silk robe and golden sceptre, why did I only get a cotton robe and wooden staff?"

"Well," St. Peter replied, "We work on a performance scale, you see while you preached, everyone slept, when he drove taxis, everyone prayed!"




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6/18/14 10:49 P

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emoticon emoticon

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6/18/14 10:42 A

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7 reasons not to mess with children.

1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".



2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl: replied, "They will in a minute."



3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."



4. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"




5. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."



6. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."



7. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.



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6/17/14 12:27 P

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DISCLAIMER: a female email friend sent this to me. It may have been for humor or a message, I see humor so I will share

Men Are Just Happier People --

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack...

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister,
or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over
in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires
only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

If someone forgets to invite you,

He or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

Everything on your face stays
its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years,
even decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes --
one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter
how your legs look.

You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice
concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives

On December 24 in 25 minutes.


___________________________________

Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.


EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators...YEP!!!


MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.


BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.


ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.


DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.



THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!


SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it ......

and to the men who will enjoy reading it.





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6/16/14 2:02 A

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A Complete Search

A Scotchman with the romantic name of Bruce Wallace made
history at London's famous Scotland Yard shortly before the
war. He actually demanded an interview with the head of the
Yard to report that he had lost a shilling on Old Bond
Street and that he had been unable to find it.

The Scotland Yard official fell into the spirit of the
occasion and assured him that the entire London Police Force
would be put on the job.

That night, as fate would have it, something went wrong with
one of the gas pipes under Old Bond Street and fifty workmen
were dispatched to locate the source of the trouble. They
dug a ditch six feet wide straight across Old Bond Street,
stopping traffic completely, of course, and exposing all the
underground pipes to the open air.

Early in the morning, the bereaved Scotchman appeared on the
scene, took one look at the repair work in progress, and
shook his head with reluctant approval. "I must say one
thing for the rascals," he admitted. "They're thorough."

From Laughing Stock, Edited by Bennett Cerf, Grosset and
Dunlap, NY, 1945.

Received from Thorn Shunt.




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6/15/14 10:15 A

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When One Shows Up
A preacher prepared for Sunday morning service, but only one person, a farmer, was there. He asked the farmer, "What do you think we should do?"

The farmer replied with a drawl, "Well, if only one cow came into the barn, I'd feed it."

So the preacher mounted the pulpit and began to preach ... and preach ... and preach. After about two hours, he concluded.

Then he stepped down and said to the farmer, "So, what did you think?"

The farmer replied, "Well, if only one cow came into the barn, I certainly wouldn't try to feed it all the hay."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.





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6/14/14 11:17 P

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I love that one, Rusty. You always make me laugh.

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6/14/14 11:46 A

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No Insurance
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and he went in for coronary surgery. The operation went well. As the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand. "We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash?"

"I'm afraid I can't, Sister."

"Do you have any close relatives, then?"

"Just my sister in New Mexico," replied, "but she's a spinster nun."

"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied. "They are married to God."

"Okay," the man said with a smile, "then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Received from Big Mac Clean Joke Attack.

This was not St. Bernards




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6/13/14 9:43 P

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Point of Service
At the clothing store where I work, I make it a point of pride to give customers my unvarnished opinion. One day, when a man emerged from the fitting room, I took one look at him and shook my head. "No, no," I said. "Those jeans look terrible on you. I'll go get you another pair."

As I walked away, I heard him mumble, "I was trying on the shirt."

Received from Sarah Haig (via Reader's Digest).





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6/13/14 1:23 P

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Rusty, did your wife 'smile' when she read this? We always miss your posts.

Martha
AR.


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6/13/14 1:20 A

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Welcome back, Rusty. I have to share the Retired Teacher one with several of our teachers who retired this year.

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6/12/14 12:42 P

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Prescription Bottle

A pharmacist is going over the directions on a prescription bottle with an elderly patient. "Be sure not to take this more often than once every four hours," the pharmacist says.

"Don't worry," replies the patient. "It takes me four hours to get the lid off."

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.




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6/10/14 8:09 P

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Teachers About To Retire
You know you're a teacher about to retire when...

1. Fellow staff members greet you in the hall with, "Oh, stop smiling!"

2. You get up to the checkout counter at Barnes & Noble and you realize you're buying books you won't need next year.

3. Your file cabinets are getting lighter, and your circular file is getting heavier.

4. You find yourself saying, "Yes!" whenever an administrator or union officer asks you to be on a committee next year.

5. The custodian has complained to the principal that the trash he removes daily from your room is 10 to 20 times greater than any other room in the building - including the cafeteria.

6. The teachers in the grade below you complain about how horrible their kids are and you just smile.

7. The principal comes in for the final observation of the year and you throw a party for your class with lots of snacks, games and a visit from Frankie the clown.

8. You constantly find other teachers in your room measuring bookcases.

9. When the parent, who has complained about every teacher her kid has ever had, comes up to you and says, "My son is hoping to get you next year," you just smile!

10. You reflect on all the wonderful moments you had influencing the lives of young people and helping them learn... and praying they'll have caring teachers like you next year. Smile! Those unruly, wonderful young people will be voting soon!

Received from Becky Day.





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6/6/14 1:30 A

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Stupid Things Actually Said By Commentators In The World Of Soccer
1. Well, it's Liverpool two, Ipswich nil, and if the score stays this way, I've got to fancy Liverpool for the win.

2. He had an eternity to play that ball, but took too long.

3. And so they have not been able to improve on their 100% record.

4. With the last kick of the game, he scored with a header.

5. Well, it's a fabulous kaleidoscope of color: almost all the Brazilians are wearing yellow shirts.

6. If that had gone on, it would definitely have been a goal.

7. Their manager, Howard Wilkinson, isn't here today, which strongly suggests that he may be elsewhere.

8. I am a firm believer that if one team scores a goal, the other need to score two to win.

9. If a team scores early on, it often takes an early lead.

10. You cannot possibly have counted the number of passes made, but there were eight.

Received from Pastor Tim.





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6/5/14 10:36 P

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emoticon Thanks Rusty, I needed a good laugh tonight.

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6/5/14 9:04 A

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Music

As a college senior, I had some roommates that only listened to Rush or Led Zeppelin. At the end of the year, we had a party, and we absolutely did not want to hear any more from those two groups. We took all the records and tapes of the two groups and had our neighbors hide them.

Our party went well. We had plenty of guests. We all had lots of fun.

Two days later, we visited with our neighbors, and one said, "We still have your tunes here. When would you like them back?"

I replied, "There's no rush."

Received from Stan Kegel.





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6/4/14 7:46 P

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My Daughter is Your Reward

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.

He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"


Martha
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6/4/14 2:45 A

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WOMEN VERSUS MEN
Ladies, Read Only The First Part -- Men, The Rest

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into
the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found
a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me
from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but
I failed to mention that there was a condition to your
wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times
ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she
wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will
also make your husband the most handsome man in the world,
an Adonis to whom women will flock."

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most
beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM -- she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in
the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the
richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer
than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and
what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM -- she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she
answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for
you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers, continue reading ...

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story: Women think they're so smart. Let them
continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this, it only
goes to show that women never listen!




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6/3/14 9:38 A

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Vacuum Manure
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

Received from Pastor Tim.




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6/2/14 11:56 P

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Macho Man
A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be macho, so he went out walking with one of the hired hands.

As they were walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried to begin a conversation, "Say, look at that big bunch of cows."

The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.'"

"Heard what?"

"Herd of cows."

"Sure, I've heard of cows...there's a big bunch of 'em right over there."

Received from Steve Sanderson.





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6/2/14 11:04 P

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Lucky Saucer

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale."

The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat." And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."

And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold 68 cats."


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5/31/14 10:12 A

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Flying in Alaska
I was inspecting communications facilities in Alaska. Since I had little experience flying in small planes, I was nervous when we approached a landing strip in a snow-covered area. The pilot descended to just a couple hundred feet, then gunned both engines, climbed, and circled back. While my heart pounded, the passenger beside me seemed calm.

"I wonder why he didn't land," I said.

"He was checking to see if the landing strip was plowed," the man said.

As we made a second approach, I glanced out the window. "It looks plowed to me," I commented.

"No," my seatmate said. "It hasn't been cleared for some time."

"How can you tell?"

"Because," the man informed me, "I'm the guy who drives the plow."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.





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5/30/14 1:21 A

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Geraniums
"I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop, "we don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?"

Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.





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5/29/14 11:17 P

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Martha & Rusty, those are both really good...lol

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5/29/14 11:00 A

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Quick Thinking

There is a story about a new clerk in a supermarket. A customer asked him if she could buy half a grapefruit. Not knowing what to do, he excused himself to ask the manager.

"Some nut out there wants to buy half a grapefruit..." he began, and, suddenly realizing that the customer had entered the office behind him, continued, " ... and this lovely lady would like to buy the other half."

The manager was impressed with the way the clerk amicably resolved the problem and they later started chatting. "Where are you from?" asked the store manager.

"Lancaster, Pennsylvania," replied the clerk, "home of ugly women and great hockey teams."

"Oh, my *WIFE* is from Lancaster," challenged the manager.

Without skipping a beat, the clerk asked, "What team was she on?"


Martha
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Fish Heads
A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marvels at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.

"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."

"You sell them here?" the customer asks.

"Only $4 apiece," says Green.

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.

"You didn't eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.

"Hey, Green," he says, "you're selling me fish heads for $4 a piece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.




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5/28/14 9:00 A

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Fire Safety Training
When the employees of a restaurant attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher.

"Pull the pin like a hand grenade," he explained, "and then press the trigger to release the foam."

Later an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin.

The instructor hinted, "Like a hand grenade, remember?"

In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin ... and hurled the extinguisher at the blaze.

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.





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5/27/14 5:29 P

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Great last line, I wasn't expecting it emoticon

Martha
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5/26/14 11:23 P

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In honor of Memorial Day:


DEAR MA & PA :

Am well. Hope you are. Tell brother Walt & Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile.

Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt & Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc..., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food.

But tell Walt & Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home.

Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.

The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors & Colonels just ride around & frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt & Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable like and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Be sure to tell Walt & Elmer to hurry & join before other fellers get into this setup & come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Gail


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5/26/14 5:26 P

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I will have to remember that one, could have used it numerous times emoticon

Martha
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5/26/14 10:17 A

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Feisty!
A feisty 70-year-old woman had to call a furnace repairman. After a quick inspection the man put some oil into the motor and handed her a $70 bill for labor.

"Labor charges!" she exclaimed. "It only took you five minutes."

The repairman explained that his company had a minimum one-hour charge on every house call.

"Well, I want my remaining 55 minutes of labor," the lady responded, and she handed him a rake. The repairman spent the next 55 minutes in her yard bagging leaves.

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.





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5/25/14 3:53 P

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Veterans' Talk




Shooting the breeze down at the Veteran's hospital, a trio of old timers ran out of tales of their own heroic exploits and started bragging about their ancestors. "My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh."

"Mine," boasted another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn."

"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world."

"What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.

"Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old." emoticon emoticon


Martha
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5/24/14 2:24 A

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Jokes Only Engineers Will Understand
1. Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

2. To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

3. A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

4. What is the difference between electrical engineers and civil engineers?
Electrical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

5. The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

6. Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

7. Knock knock. Who's there? Interrupting coefficient of friction. Interrupting coefficient of fri.... mmmuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu (μ

8. An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

9. A wife asks her husband, a software engineer, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six."
A short time later, the husband comes back with six cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy six cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."

Received from Tina Stovall Leiner.





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5/23/14 1:27 A

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New Math?
A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic; he said it was his mission.

He kissed her once, he kissed her twice, and said, "Now that's addition."

In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that's subtraction."

Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation.

And both together smiled and said, "That's multiplication."

Then her dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision.

He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, "That's long division!"

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.





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5/22/14 12:27 P

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Lab Tests
Patients call the pathology group where I am office manager to discuss their medical bills. One irate woman demanded that I describe every laboratory test on her statement.

Of course, I complied. Starting with the first test on her bill, I read, "Number 1, urinalysis.. ."

She interrupted me at once. "I'm a what?"

Received from Da Mouse Tracks.






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5/21/14 10:10 P

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I like that one Rusty.

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5/21/14 11:50 A

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First Day of School
A child comes home from his first day at school.

His mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"

The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."

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5/21/14 9:13 A

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5/20/14 6:01 P

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Purpose of the Dog




A Sunday School helper was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children began discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."


Martha
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5/20/14 2:35 A

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New Postal Stamp
The U.S. Postal Service recently issued a stamp honoring the one hundredth anniversary of the first flight by the Wright Brothers.

The first man in powered flight was from Ohio.
The first man ever to orbit Earth was from Ohio.
And the first man on the moon was from Ohio.

It sounds to me that a lot of people are trying to get out of Ohio.

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.





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New Suit
A young banker decided to get his first tailor-made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning; he felt that in this suit he could do business.

As he was preening in front of the mirror, he reached down to put his hands in the pockets. To his surprise, he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tell me you were a banker?"

The young man answered, "Yes, I did."

The tailor then said, "Whoever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?"

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.





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5/15/14 9:18 P

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Craig's List: Free to good home.

My girlfriend doesn't like my dog, so I appeal to you.
She is a purebred from a wealthy area and I have had her 4 years. She likes to play games. Not totally trained. Has long hair so she's a little high maintenance, especially the nails, but she loves having them done. Stays up all night yapping but sleeps while I work. Only eats the best, most expensive food. Will NEVER greet you at the door after a long day or give you unconditional love when you're down. Does not bite but she can be mean as hell!

So........anyone interested in my 30 year old, selfish, wicked, gold-digging girlfriend? Come and get her! Me and my dog want her re-homed!!

Martha
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Fast Food
A friend and I were standing in line at a fast food restaurant waiting to place our order. There was a big sign posted: "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."

The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.





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5/12/14 12:10 P

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Little Rodney, 4 years old, walked down the beach, and as he did, he spied a matronly woman sitting under a beach umbrella on the sand. He walked up to her and asked, "Are you a Christian?"

"Yes," she replied.

"Do you read your Bible every day?"

She nodded her head, "Yes."

"Do you pray often?" the boy asked next, and again she answered, "Yes."

With that he asked his final question, "Will you hold my quarter while I go swimming?"

Martha
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5/12/14 10:43 A

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Stranded
A traveling salesman was held up by a bad storm in the Hawaiian Islands. He sent an e-mail to his corporate headquarters advising them that he was stranded for a few days and requested instructions.

The reply came back shortly: "Begin vacation as of yesterday."

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.





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The Children's Sermon
A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church.

On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children nodded eagerly.

"This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)..." No hands went up. "And it is gray (pause) and has a long bushy tail (pause)..." The children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised. "And it jumps from branch to branch (pause) and chatters and flips its tail when it's excited (pause)..."

Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The pastor breathed a sigh of relief and called on him. "Well," said the boy, "I *know* the answer must be Jesus ... but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!"

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5/8/14 6:23 P

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Your Mother




A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' ? It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.

"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.


Martha
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5/8/14 5:46 P

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Starts with F
Determined to have one last, lazy day of fishing before summer's end, I purposely ignored the leaky faucet and the broken gate -- household projects that had awaited me all summer.

My wife asked, "What are you going to do today?"

I grinned and answered, "It starts with F and ends with ISH."

"Oh, good," she replied. "You're finally going to FinISH up those projects."

- from Reader's Digest, "Life In These United States," by Mike Mayberry

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.





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5/7/14 2:07 A

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A Church Funny
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud during the service. Finally, his big sister had enough.

"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked indignantly.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers!"





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5/6/14 4:09 P

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I know there is an answer to all of these, just don't have the time emoticon


Digging A Hole




There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole, he would dig, dig, dig, the other would come behind him and fill the hole, fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously. One digging a hole, the other filling it up again.

A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.

He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"

The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."
I BET YOU'RE ROLLING YOUR EYES emoticon

Martha
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Crazy Thoughts
~ How do you throw away a garbage can?

~ Why in baseball is it called the World Series if it is only played in the U.S.A.?

~ Why do old men have hair in their ears?

~ Why are buttons on guys' shirts on a different side than girls' shirts?

~ Why are things typed up but written down?

~ Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?

~ If you were on a plane going the speed of sound and walked from the back of the plane to the front, would you be walking faster than the speed of sound?

~ If the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

~ What does OK actually mean?

~ What does the K in K-mart actually stand for?

~ Why do we feel blue? And what color does a Smurf feel when he is down?

~ Why do donuts have holes?

~ Why do the numbers on a phone go one way and the numbers on a calculator go the other?

~ Why don't you hear thunder with heat lightning?

~ If you're born at exactly midnight, is your birthday on both those days?

~ If you're caught "between a rock and a hard place," is the rock not hard?

~ If one man says, "It was an uphill battle," and another says, "It went downhill from there," how could they both be having troubles?

~ Why is it you can walk down a road, even if it goes uphill?

~ Why do we say "bye bye" but not "hi hi"?

~ How do you handcuff a one-armed man?

~ Why is the abbreviation for pound "lb." when the letters L or B aren't even in the word pound?

Received from Ken Shartle.





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5/5/14 9:50 A

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Star Wars Day
Yesterday was the (unofficial) "Star Wars Day" ... you know ... May the 4th be with you!

Received from C. Davis.





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Just remember, I didn't write this joke emoticon


Help the United States

One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Clinton saw him and asked, "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.

"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom.

Clinton didn't sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.

"Go to the theatre."


Martha
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What's Your Job?

Since I was the first to arrive at our high-tech company one morning, I answered the telephone. When the caller asked for field engineering, I explained that it was before normal business hours, but that I would help if I could. "What's your job there?" the caller asked me.

"I'm the president," I replied.

There was a pause. Then he said, "I'll call back later. I need to talk to someone who knows something."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.





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5/1/14 3:14 P

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A Letter Home




Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, Your $on.

The Reply:

Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad


Martha
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A Lawyer's Club
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their lives. The gang was very happy to escape.

"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got out with $25 between us."

"I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!" the boss screamed. "We had over $100 when we broke IN!"

Received from FranCMT2.





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4/30/14 5:38 P

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emoticon

.The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it

Martha
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Groaner: The Hunter
Greg: I used to hunt grizzly bears with a club.

Ed: I don't believe that.

Greg: Why not?

Ed: Because it's too dangerous, hunting grizzly bears with a club.

Greg: Well, I don't do it anymore, anyway.

Ed: Why not?

Greg: The membership fees got too high.

Received from Stan Kegel.





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4/29/14 11:39 P

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I liked that one a lot!



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4/29/14 8:08 P

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emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

.We have enough youth How about a fountain of "Smart"?

Martha
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Light Bulb

Q: How many members of the current President's administration are needed to change a light bulb?

A: Nine

1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed,

2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed,

3. One to blame the previous President for burning out the light bulb,

4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the light bulb or for darkness,

5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to a government contractor for the new light bulb,

6. One to arrange a photograph of the current President, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: Light Bulb Change Accomplished,

7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how the current President was literally in the dark,

8. One to viciously smear #7,

9. And one surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how the current President has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along.

Received from Siarlys.





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4/28/14 10:16 A

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Boat Troubles
During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever, no matter how hard she tried.

After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.

Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.





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4/26/14 8:31 P

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The Christian Horse

There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?"

The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."

Not paying much attetion, the man says, "Sure, ok."

So he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God, thank God," and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off. Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop.

"Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!"

Finally he remembers, "Amen!!"

The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God."


Martha
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4/26/14 1:37 A

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Conductor
The symphony musicians had little confidence in the person brought in to be their new conductor.

Their fears were realized at the very first rehearsal. The cymbalist, realizing that the conductor did not know what he was doing, angrily clashed his instruments together during a delicate, soft passage.

The music stopped. The conductor, highly agitated, looked angrily around the orchestra, demanding, "Who did that? Who did that?"

- from Coffeetime with Bonnie




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Just the Truth




Following a great sermon on lifestyle evangelism one family thought they had better do something to witness to Jesus. So they invited their neighbours to dinner the following Friday night.

When it came to the meal, the hostess was keen to show their neighbours that they upheld Christian standards in their home.

So she asked little 5 year old Johnny to say grace.

Little Johnny was a bit shy. "I don't know what to say" There was an awkward pause, followed by a reassuring smile from the boy's mother.

"Well darling," she said, " just say what Daddy said at breakfast this morning."

Obediently, the boy repeated, "Oh God, we've got those awful people coming to dinner tonight"


Martha
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4/25/14 1:33 A

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Love that one

Collecting for Charity
My friend called a venetian blind repairman to come pick up a faulty blind. The next morning, while the family was at breakfast, the doorbell rang. My friend's wife went to the door, and the man outside said, "I'm here for the venetian blind."

Excusing herself in a preoccupied way, the wife went to the kitchen, fished a dollar from the food money, pressed it into the repairman's hand, then gently closed the door and returned to the table.

"Somebody collecting," she explained, pouring the coffee.

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.






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4/24/14 7:10 P

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Did you hear about the atheist who was complaining about dial- a-prayer. He finally got the telephone company to give him equal time. Now they've got dial-a-prayer for atheist. You call a number and nobody answers.


Martha
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4/24/14 3:23 A

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Top Ten Differences Between Secretaries and Administrative Professionals
TOP TEN DIFFERENCES BETWEEN SECRETARIES AND ADMINISTRATIVE PROFESSIONALS

10. Secretaries make coffee, administrative professionals procure international resources to motivate and empower staff.

9. Secretaries take memos, administrative professionals expedite inter-office communication.

8. Secretaries type letters, administrative professionals facilitate company communication with national and international clients.

7. Secretaries file, administrative professionals manage and organize data for efficient retrieval of corporate records.

6. Secretaries un-jam the copy machines, administrative professionals maintain high-tech equipment vital to day-to-day business.

5. Secretaries answer the phone, administrative professionals manage communication between staff and customers.

4. Secretaries listen to office gossip and complaints, administrative professionals act as corporate arbitrators and manage conflict between administrators and staff.

3. Secretaries order office supplies, administrative professionals manage inventory of critical corporate resources.

2. Secretaries buy gifts when boss realizes he or she has forgotten spouse's birthday or anniversary, administrative professionals facilitate crisis management at the executive level.

1. Secretaries get little respect in the corporate environment, administrative professionals get just a bit more.

While working at a publishing house, the executives could be gone for days at a time and the company would continue operating just fine. But if any administrative professional was gone for more than an afternoon, the house collapsed. So, my best wishes go out to all the administrative professionals that keep business, well, in business!

HAPPY ADMINISTRATIVE PROFESSIONALS DAY!

(c) 2007 James N. Watkins
Reprinted with permission from www.jameswatkins.com

Received from Siarlys.




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4/23/14 2:04 A

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Engineer In An Upscale Hotel
As an engineer in an upscale hotel, I was asked to repair or replace the television in a guest room. When I arrived, the couple was watching a picture one-third the size of the screen. I knew all our spare sets were in use, so I figured what the heck: I struck the side of the TV with the heel of my hand. The picture returned to full size.

"Look, honey," said the wife to her husband. "He went to the same repair school as you."

Received from Da Mouse Tracks.





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4/22/14 1:02 A

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Bigger Piece

One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don't love me anymore."

"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.





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4/20/14 1:40 A

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My wife decided having children was less painful than passing a kidney stone.

Can't Hurt to Ask
My granddaughter, Hannah, begged me long-distance to come help her celebrate her sixth birthday. Unable to resist, I made my plans to join the family.

When we sat down for the birthday dinner, my son asked Hannah if she would like to bless the food on her birthday.

"Oh, yes, Daddy," she said.

She closed her eyes and began, "Dear Lord, thank you for Mommy and this good food she fixed. Thank you for letting Grandma come here today."

Pausing momentarily, Hannah opened her eyes to peek at me before she continued. "And please Lord, let us have a good time at Toys 'R' Us this afternoon."

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.



Edited by: MNABOY at: 4/20/2014 (01:42)

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10 Reasons God Created Eve




10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because He knew men would never ask for directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote because men don't want to see what is on TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on TV.

8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when the seat wore out and therefore would need Eve to get one for him.

7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appt for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.

5. God knew that if the world was to be populated there would have to someone to bear children because men would never be able to handle it.

4. As Keeper of the Garden Adam would never remember where he put his tools.

3. The Scripture account of creation indicates that Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone", he only ends up getting himself in trouble.

And the NUMBER ONE reason...

1. When God finished the creation of Adam he stepped back, scratched his head and said, "I can do better than that."

Got cha emoticon

Martha
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4/18/14 1:42 A

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love it

Women vs. Men
/* GCFL had some server issues for the last two days. Sorry we were away. Hopefully we are here to stay for awhile now! Thanks for your patience. */

Ladies, Read Only The First Part -- Men, The Rest

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis to whom women will flock."

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM -- she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM -- she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers, continue reading ...

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story: Women think they're so smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this, it only goes to show that women never listen!






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Mountain Tech Talk
1. LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter.
2. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
3. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.
4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk.
5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.
6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.
7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.
9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it's cold outside.
11. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season.
12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.
13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
14. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.
15. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields.
16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife.
17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
18. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.
19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs.
20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.
21. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.
22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all"
24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.
25. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.


Martha
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Tax Humor
What's the difference between a tax collector and a taxidermist?

The taxidermist leaves the hide!

Received from Richard Russell.





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Groaner: The Cosmonaut
A Russian cosmonaut has an emergency during his reentry into earth's atmosphere and his space craft crash lands in the Australian bush, way out in the middle of nowhere.

After what seems like an eternity, he wakes up in a bush hospital clinic, very rustic and dirty, with foul smells, and he is bandaged from head to foot. He sees a very large, somewhat gruff-looking nurse approaching him as he lay in his cot.

"Did I come here to die?" he says with a deep sense of resignation and fear.

"No," the Aussie nurse replies. "You came here yesterday."

Received from Stan Kegel.





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Letters to the Editor

Here is a selection of letters sent in to the Washington Post by the clueless, usually in response to a headline.

To the editor:
Does The Post so hate America that you wish to deliver our national secrets into the hands of our enemies? I refer of course to The Post's publication of page after page of "Classified" information, blatantly labeled as such in type so large that even the most dimwitted spy can hardly fail to miss it!

20,000 POUND PAVEMENTS TO HELP HOMELESS
To the Editor:
Are you people idiots? What the homeless need are homes, not 10 tons of additional pavement! This donation is cruel, like giving 20,000 Zippos to a burn ward. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

HAND-DELIVERED. URGENT!
To the editor:
Do not let them bury those people whose pictures you showed in Sunday's obituaries! Most of them look like they are still alive!

MOMENTUM IS BUILDING IN DOWNTOWN REVIVAL
I continue to be appalled by your poor understanding and incorrect usage of even the simplest physics terms. Momentum is the property of mass multiplied by velocity. As buildings remain at rest, they have no momentum. The term you are looking for is "inertia."

UNPRODUCTIVE MIDS TRAMPLED AT HOME
Our nation's military academies are and should remain highly competitive. But it is horrifying that parents are resorting to corporal punishment when a student has fallen behind in his studies. I am especially dismayed to learn the Southern Methodists had a hand in this savagery.

CATHOLIC FUMBLES, STUMBLES IN PLAYOFFS
Catholic fumbles? I cannot believe your sportswriters are allowed to single out for criticism persons of certain faiths. Everyone errs occasionally, not just Catholics. I guess Mr. Greenberger feels Jews never drop the ball, but I'm here to tell you I found one who did, in this awful article.

PALESTINIANS SAY ISRAELIS VIOLATED ACCORD
So now they're blaming the Jews for every car that's broken into?

MARYLAND AGREES TO TOBACCO SETTLEMENT
Well, that's just great. Just what we need -- an entire settlement of people devoted to their cancer sticks. What's next, a drunk driving commune?

BISHOP LIFTS KANSAS STATE OVER MISSOURI
A Roman Catholic miracle, and The Post buries it in Sports? This is typical of your godlessness. I'm sure if it was some Vatican scandal, we would see it on Page 1 above the fold.

BISHOP LEADS WILDCATS PAST MISSOURI
I find it commendable that the clergy are attempting, like Saint Patrick in Ireland, to rid the land of dangerous animals. However, your story irresponsibly fails to tell us where the good bishop is taking these creatures. Is he bringing them to the D.C. area? Show a little civic responsibility, please, and inform the public.

PAKISTAN HOLDS MEMBERS OF ETHNIC MOVEMENT
What is the world coming to when Pakistani officials can get away with humiliating its enemies by holding their members?

C.C UNITED SE UNE HOY A CAMPANA SOLIDARIA PRO CENTROAMERICA
I was disgusted with the sloppy spelling for the article on D.C. United. There were so many typos I couldn't understand a word.

To the editor:
You Washingtonians are so self-absorbed! Take Sunday's weather report. You go on and on about weather in the Washington area. You can bet that here in Muscateen, we don't spend all our time talking about Washington's weather.

REPUBLICAN LEADERSHIP VACUUM MIGHT OPEN DOORS FOR GOVERNORS
When will these Poindexters in Washington understand that the American public won't put up with their gross misspending of U.S. tax dollars -- $600 hammers, $2,000 toilet seats, and now vacuum cleaners to open doors for Governors? Please.

I am eager to contact Mr. Scott Black, the "rumpled money manager," as I am eager to have him sort and straighten out my wrinkled currency.

Received from Stan Kegel.





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NUTNFANCY3's Photo NUTNFANCY3 Posts: 1,958
4/14/14 11:52 A

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A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol . . . . . .. Dead .
The second worm in cigarette smoke . . . Dead .
Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . . Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil . . . Alive �

So the Minister asked the congregation,
"What did you learn from this demonstration?"
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . .
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate,
you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service!


Martha
AR.


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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 29,763
4/14/14 10:00 A

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Loved that one! Our new preacher still has his own teeth, I think.

Lawyer's Money
"I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money."
"Why do you say that?"
"Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.'"

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.






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NUTNFANCY3's Photo NUTNFANCY3 Posts: 1,958
4/12/14 6:44 P

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This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made. The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way.

The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.

The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot.

The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... and I couldn't stop talking!

Martha
AR.


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