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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 31,325
6/19/15 9:41 A

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Signs You Might Be from Louisiana
The crawdad mounds in your front yard have over taken the grass.

You greet people with "Howzyamomma'an'dem?" and hear back "Dey fine!"

Every so often, you have waterfront property.

When giving directions, you use words like "uptown," "downtown," "backatown," "riverside," "lakeside," "other side of the bayou," or "other side of the levee."

When you refer to a geographical location "way up North," you are referring to places like Shreveport, Little Rock, or Memphis, "where it gets real cold."

You've ever had Community Coffee.

You can pronounce Tchoupitoulas but can't spell it (also, Thibideaux, Opelousas, Ponchartrain, Ouachita, Atchafalaya).

You don't worry when you see ships riding higher in the river than the top of your house.

You judge a po-boy by the number of napkins used.

The waitress at your local sandwich shop tells you a fried oyster po-boy "dressed" is healthier than a Caesar salad.

You know the definition of "dressed."

You can eat Popeye's, Haydel's, and Zapp's for lunch and wash it down with Barq's and several Abitas, without losing it all on your stoop.

The four seasons in your year are: crawfish, shrimp, Crab, and King Cake.

You "wrench" your hands in the sink with an onion bar to get the crawfish smell off.

You're not afraid when someone wants to "ax you something."

You don't learn until high school that Mardi Gras is not a national holiday.

You don't realize until high school what a "county" is.

You believe that purple, green, and gold look good together (and you will even eat things those colors).

You go to buy a new winter coat (what most people would refer to as a windbreaker) and throw your arms up in the air to make sure it allows enough room to catch Mardi Gras beads.

Your last name isn't pronounced the way it's spelled.

You know what a nutria rat is but you still pick it to represent your baseball team.

You have spent a summer afternoon on the Lake Pontchartrain seawall catching blue crabs.

You describe a color as "K&B Purple."

You like your rice and politics dirty.

You pronounce the largest city in the state as "Nawlins."

A friend gets in trouble for roaches in his car and you wonder if it was palmettos or those little ones that go after the french fries that fell under the seat.

You know those big roaches can fly, but you're able to sleep at night anyway.

You assume everyone has mosquito swarms in their backyard.

You realize the rainforest is less humid than Louisiana.

Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth.





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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 31,325
6/18/15 12:41 A

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Planting Potatoes

A farmer gets sent to jail, and his wife is trying to hold
the farm together until her husband can get out. She's not,
however, very good at farm work, so she writes a letter to
him in jail: "Dear sweetheart, I want to plant the potatoes.
When is the best time to do it?"

The farmer writes back: "Honey, don't go near that field.
That's where all my guns are buried."

But, because he is in jail, all of the farmer's mail is
censored. So when the sheriff and his deputies read this,
they all run out to the farm and dig up the entire potato
field looking for guns. After two full days of digging, they
don't find one single weapon.

The farmer then writes to his wife: "Honey, now is when you
should plant the potatoes."

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.




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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 31,325
5/30/15 1:54 P

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Birthday Roses

The young man ahead of my father at the flower shop was
taking an unusually long time to place his order. When the
clerk asked how she could help, he explained that his
girlfriend was turning nineteen and he couldn't decide
whether to give her a dozen roses or nineteen roses -- one
for each year of her life.

The woman put aside her business judgment and advised, "She
may be your nineteen-year-old girlfriend now, but someday
she could be your fifty-year-old wife."

The young man bought a dozen roses.

(from Mikey's Funnies)

Received from Becky Day.




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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 31,325
5/28/15 9:27 P

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Quotes About Getting Old

* I much prefer being over the hill to being under it.
~Bruce Lansky

* At my age I don't care if my mind starts to wander - just
as long as it comes back again. ~Mike Knowles

* Middle age is when a narrow waist and a broad mind begin
to change places. ~Glenn Dorenbush

* When you can finally afford the rings you want, you'd
rather no one noticed your hands. ~Lois Muehl

* A man has reached middle age when he is warned to slow
down by his doctor instead of the police. ~Henny Youngman

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.




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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 31,325
5/21/15 12:47 P

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Middle Age Texting Codes

ATD = at the doctor

BFF = best friend fell

BTW = bring the wheelchair

BYOT = bring your own teeth

FWIW = forgot where I was

GGPBL = gotta go, pacemaker battery low

GHA = got heartburn again

IMHO = is my hearing aid on?

LMDO = laughing my dentures out

OMMR = on my massage recliner

ROFLACGU = rolling on floor laughing and can't get up

Received from RichnAnna.




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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 31,325
5/20/15 10:52 P

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Tom Swift-ly through the Old Testament
"I have sinned," said Adam originally.

"Have an apple," the serpent said fruitfully.

"Come here, Abel," Cain said brotherly.

"You snails almost didn't make it," Noah said wetly.

"No spika de Inglish," they babbled at Babel confusedly.

"Nonsense, I'll look behind me all I please," replied Lot's wife saltily.

"Here's your pottage," Jacob said hairily.

"My thigh is out of joint," Jacob said angelically.

"I was the sun and you were the stars," Joseph said dreamily.

"Hey, fellas, look at my new coat," Joseph said colorfully.

"I feel like traveling on, Madame Potiphar," Joseph said coatlessly.

"Now we can open grain storage area #1," Joseph said leanly.

"See how the reeds made him in just certain spots," Pharaoh's daughter said mosaically.

"Tomorrow, we'll cross the Red Sea," Moses said dividedly.

"But we cannot find water if there is nothing but rocks," the ladies of Israel told Moses gushingly.

"And here is your calf to worship," Aaron said goldenly.

"There are the pieces of the Ten Commandments," Moses said stonily.

"With God, we are bigger than the giants," Joshua and Caleb said largely.

"____________________________________," said Balaam's ass crushingly.

"Sure I'll hide you, spies," Rahab said scarletly.

"Now what could have caused the defeat at Ai?" Achan said guiltily.

"Can you give me a place to sleep and all I need?" Sisera said naillessly.

"Will the fleece be wet this dewy morning?" Gideon asked dryly.

"Your weapons are a trumpet, a pitcher, and a torch," Gideon said generally.

"That makes a thousand Philistines," Samson said hairily.

"Get up, Samson, your enemies are on you!" Delilah said snippingly.

"This is my new husband, Boaz," Ruth said messianically.

"Now, boys, let's subjugate our impulses," Eli said fatherlyly.

"Here am I," Samuel said prophetically.

"Just call me 'Kingy,' boys," Saul said firstly.

"I love you," Jonathan told David brotherly.

"Lion, let go of my lamb," David said barehandedly.

"You'll never conquer me," Goliath said stonily.

"Here, catch the javelin," Saul said jealously.

"Meet my new wife, Bathsheba," David said adulterously.

"Divide the baby with a sword," Solomon said wisely.

"I'm amazed at your wisdom," the Queen of Sheba said regally.

"We'll not have taxation without representation," Jeroboam said rebelliously.

"We've got to pay for our Great Society," Rehoboam said threateningly.

"Thank you, Sir Raven," Elijah said fully.

"Here comes old Elisha," the children said baldly.

"That's the seventh dip," Namaan said cleanly.

"The driver is Jehu," the watchman reported to Jehoram furiously.

"This the new Fury Chariot," Jehu said windily.

"As goes Gomer, so goeth Israel," Hosea said prophetically.

"My feet are cold," Shadrach said fierily.

"Long live, O King," Daniel told Darius sleepily.

"This is where the wall of Jerusalem should be," Nehemiah said constructively.

"I've seen a little trouble during my life," Job said experientially.

"No fish for me," Jonah said greatly.


Copyright (C) 1960, Asa Sparks, 6045 Camelot Court, Montgomery AL 36117

Received from Stan Kegel.





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5/19/15 1:44 P

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Longevity

At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he
planned to be around for his 104th.

"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few
people die between the ages of 103 and 104."

The Good, Clean Funnies List




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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 31,325
5/16/15 9:05 A

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Computer Virus

A co-worker asked if I knew what to do about a computer
problem that was preventing her from getting e-mail. After
calling the help desk, I told my colleague that e-mail was
being delayed to check for a computer virus.

"It's a variant of the I Love You virus, only worse," I
said.

"What could be worse?" my single co-worker asked wryly. "The
Let's Just Be Friends virus?"

Received from Clean-Laffs.




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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 31,325
5/10/15 6:14 P

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Murphy's Laws of Law Enforcement

New uniforms and ties attract catsup and gravy.

You will never get the urge to use the bathroom until you
have left the station.

Surprise inspections will only occur after you have been in
a foot pursuit through mud.

The mayor will get a traffic ticket the day before your
department negotiates for a salary increase.

The bigger they are, the harder they fall. Also the harder
they punch, kick, and choke.

Never search a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is
"Boom-Boom."

Pens never leak onto old uniform shirts.

To err is human, to forgive is against department policy.

Shatterproof flashlights seldom are.

If you park your patrol car in the exact center of the Gobi
desert, within 5 minutes someone will pull up and ask for
directions.

Glow in the dark sights are just as visible to you as they
are to the crook hiding behind you.

Wearing white socks makes boot zippers break.

Coffee jitters will never bother you until firearm
qualification day.

Flashlight batteries never die in the daylight hours.

Your mouthiest traffic violator will be related to the
sheriff.

If the crooks are within pistol range, so are you.

The speed with which you respond to a fight in progress is
inversely proportional to how long you have been an officer.

Perfect 10's only show up to talk when you are busy.

Bullet proof vests might be.

Old squad cars never die -- they just smell that way.

Received from You Make Me Laugh.




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4/29/15 10:46 A

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How to Clean the House

1. Open a new folder on your PC.

2. Name it "Housework."

3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.

4. Empty the Recycle Bin.

5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete
Housework permanently?"

6. Calmly answer, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly.

7. Feel better?

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.




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4/24/15 10:06 P

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On Friends and Countrymen

Conversation at our business lunch turned to illegal
immigration. "I read an article that said 60 percent
of Americans are immigrants," commented one of
my colleagues.

"That can't be true," another said.

"No," agreed a Native American co-worker.
"There's a lot more of you than that."

- from Danielle Primas (via Reader's Digest



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4/11/15 8:58 A

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Police and Doughnuts
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over, he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.





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4/3/15 12:23 A

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Planting Potatoes

A farmer gets sent to jail, and his wife is trying to hold
the farm together until her husband can get out. She's not,
however, very good at farm work, so she writes a letter to
him in jail: "Dear sweetheart, I want to plant the potatoes.
When is the best time to do it?"

The farmer writes back: "Honey, don't go near that field.
That's where all my guns are buried."

But, because he is in jail, all of the farmer's mail is
censored. So when the sheriff and his deputies read this,
they all run out to the farm and dig up the entire potato
field looking for guns. After two full days of digging, they
don't find one single weapon.

The farmer then writes to his wife: "Honey, now is when you
should plant the potatoes."

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.




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3/23/15 7:29 P

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2,503 Years Old

A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the
thickest jungles in Latin America, when he comes across an
ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple
and asks the guide for details. The guide states that
archaeologists are carrying out excavations and are still
finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old
the temple is.

"This temple is 2,503 years old," replies the guide.

Impressed at this accurate dating, he asks how he knew this
precise figure.

"Easy," replies the guide. "The archaeologists said the
temple was 2,500 years old, and that was three years ago."

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3/19/15 6:07 P

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Roses

As he was standing in line at the grocery store checkout
counter, a friend of John's noticed he was purchasing a
dozen roses and a card.

"You in trouble with Jill?" the friend asked John.

"Nope!" was John's reply. "Preventive maintenance."

Received from Laugh & Lift



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3/17/15 2:00 A

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Colorado

A winter statistic:

Ninety-eight percent of Americans scream before going into a
ditch on a slippery road. The other two percent are from
Colorado, and they say, "Hold my soda and watch this."

You're from Colorado if:

You'll eat ice cream in the winter.

When the weather report says it's going to be 65 degrees,
you shave your legs and wear a skirt.

It snows five inches and you don't expect school to be
canceled.

You'll wear flip flops every day of the year, regardless of
temperature.

You have no accent at all, but can hear other people's. And
then you make fun of them.

"Humid" is over 25%.

Your sense of direction is: Toward the mountains and away
from the mountains.

You say, "The Interstate," and everybody knows which one.

You think that May is a totally normal month for a blizzard
or ice storm.

You buy your flowers to set out on Mother's Day, but try and
hold off planting them until just before Father's Day.

You grew up planning your Halloween costumes around your
coat.

You know what the Continental Divide is.

You went to Casa Bonita as a kid, and again as an adult.

You've gone off-roading in a vehicle that was never intended
for such activities.

You always know the elevation of where you are.

You wake up to a beautiful 80-degree day and wonder if it's
going to snow tomorrow.

You don't care that some company renamed it; the Broncos
still play at Mile High.

Everybody wears jeans to church.

You actually know that South Park is a real place, not just
a show on TV.

You know what a "trust fund hippy" is, and you know its
natural habitat is Boulder.

You know you're talking to a fellow Coloradoan when they
call it Elitches, not Six Flags.

A bear on your front porch doesn't bother you.

Your two favorite teams are the Broncos and whoever is
beating the Raiders.

When people out East tell you they have mountains in their
state too, you just laugh.

You go anywhere else on the planet and the air feels
"sticky," and you notice the sky is no longer blue.

Received from Mike Hillman.




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3/15/15 2:12 P

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Bear Bells

In Alaska's Tongass National Forest, a tour guide was giving
a talk to a group of tourists about hiking in grizzly bear
territory: "Most bear encounters occur when hikers, being
extra quiet along the trails in hopes of viewing wildlife,
accidentally stumble into bears. The resulting surprise can
be catastrophic."

To avoid this, he suggested that each hiker wear tiny bells
on their clothing to warn the bears of their presence.
"Also," he said further, "be especially cautious when you
see signs of bears in the area, especially when you see bear
droppings."

One tourist asked, "How do you identify bear droppings?"

"Oh that's easy," the guide explained. "They're the ones
with all the tiny bells in them!"

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.




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2/28/15 10:31 P

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Dangling Participles

- The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5' 10," with
wavy hair weighing about 150 pounds.

- The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the
residence of Mr. Hannon, who died June 19 to accommodate his
relatives.

- Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her
husband, is very proud that she was able to shoot a fine
buck as well as her husband.

- Organ donations from the living reached a record high last
year, outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.

- The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a
2-year-old that was trying to force feed it in his ear.

- We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch
watching the cows playing Scrabble and reading.

- Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies
hunting elephants armed only with spears.

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.




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1/18/15 12:40 A

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Mess Cake

The chaplain had been assigned to the ship and he noticed
how much grief the cooks (mess specialists) caught from the
crew and how they gave back as much as they got. He talked
to the food service officer and decided to talk to the cooks
and get them to be more cheerful when they served the meals
to the sailors coming down the line. "A smile, a cheerful
comment, and a willingness to serve them will reap great
benefits," he told them.

After his pep talk, the food service officer and the
chaplain stood back and watched the food being served.

A new sailor aboard walked down the line, but he didn't like
anything he saw, so he just carried his tray down the line
till he got to the dessert section. He picked up a saucer
containing a large piece of chocolate cake.

The mess specialist looked at him. "Is that all you're gonna
eat?" he asked.

The sailor said, "Yeah, the rest of it doesn't look too
appetizing."

The mess specialist smiled and said, "Well, in that case,
would you like two pieces of cake?"

The chaplain smiled and nudged the food service officer in
the ribs. "I told you my talk did them some good."

The kid said, "Yeah, man, I'd appreciate it."

The cook leaned over and cut the piece of cake on the tray
in half.

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.




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1/17/15 12:30 A

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Work Wisdom

- Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important
you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or
absence is noticed.

- The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to
increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect
on your take-home pay.

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.




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12/31/14 7:28 A

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Difficult-to-Keep New Year's Resolutions
When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL, LMAO, or ROTFLMAO!"

Start using Facebook for something other than Farmville and stupid quizzes.

I will try to figure out why I "really" need five Facebook accounts.

I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.

Lose 20 pounds by going to the gym!

I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line.

I will spend less than five hours a day on the Internet.

I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.

Spend less than $1000 for coffee at Starbucks this year.

Lose weight by inventing an anti-gravity machine.

Stop repeating myself again, and again, and again.

I will stop tagging pictures of myself in pictures even when I'm not in them.

I will think of a password other than "password."
The Good, Clean Funnies List




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12/29/14 8:09 P

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Wedding

After our friends were married, they left the church and

were disappointed to see that their car looked completely

normal. No one had decorated it with "Just Married" signs

or tin cans or balloons or anything at all.

"Disappointed" was not, however, the word used by the

priest who married them.

His car was very similar in make, model and color as

the groom's vehicle.

- from Becquet Jokes




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12/23/14 1:38 A

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Army Training

Our army physical-training program requires us to run two
miles every other day in platoon formation. Being somewhat
older than the other soldiers, I have trouble running faster
than a ten-minute mile.

During a recent run, I was finding it difficult to complete
the two miles without stopping, so I raised my hands high
above my head to expand my diaphragm and gain my second
wind.

Suddenly I heard a voice from behind me say, "Forget it,
sergeant, we don't take prisoners."

--Contributed to Reader's Digest, "Humor In Uniform," by
Lorrie Coffman

Received from Ed.




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12/17/14 2:04 A

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Crying

An old man was walking down the street when he saw a small
boy sitting on the curb crying.

He stopped and asked, "Little boy, why are you crying?"

The little boy lifted his tear-stained face to the man and
mumbled, "I'm crying because I can't do what the big boys
do."

So the old man sat beside him and cried, too.

Received from FranCMT2.




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12/16/14 6:11 P

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Making Faces

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the
playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny,
when I was a child, I was told if that I made an ugly face,
it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't
say you weren't warned."

Received from George.




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12/14/14 8:33 A

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Cure for Lateness

Bob had this problem of getting up late in the morning and
was always late for work.

After a few weeks of this, his boss was mad and threatened
to fire him if he didn't do something about it.

So Bob went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him
to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night's
sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning. After a
leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.

"Boss," he said, "the pill my doctor prescribed actually
worked!"

"That's all fine," said the boss, "but where were you
yesterday?"

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.




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12/13/14 12:58 A

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Traveling Too Light

A porter loaded down with suitcases followed the couple to the
airline

check-in counter.

As they approached the line, the husband glanced at the pile of
luggage and

said to the wife, "Why didn't you bring the piano, too?"

"Are you trying to be funny?" she replied.

"No, I really wish you had" he sighed. "I left the tickets on it."




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12/11/14 5:01 A

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Combination Prayer

I needed some supplies from a Sunday school cupboard that
was seldom used and was secured with a lock. I didn't know
the combination, but our clergyman offered to give it a try.

Father Jack placed his fingers on the lock's dial and raised
his eyes heavenward for a moment. Then he confidently spun
the dial and opened the lock.

Seeing how impressed I was with this demonstration of faith,
he smiled and confided, "The numbers are written on the
ceiling."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.




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12/7/14 1:29 A

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Biblical Headlines

If Biblical Headlines were written by today's liberal
media...

On Red Sea crossing:
WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE
Pursuing Environmentalists Killed

On David vs. Goliath:
HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION
Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock

On Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY
400 Killed

On the birth of Christ:
HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS
Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple

On feeding the 5,000:
PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH
Disciples Mystified Over Behavior

On healing the 10 lepers:
LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED
"Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy

On healing of the Gadarene demoniac:
MADMAN'S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE
Local Farmer's Investment Lost

On raising Lazarus from the dead:
FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK
Will Reading to be Delayed

Received from Andy Maslin.




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Rules of the South

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right; your head isn't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight: it's called a "gravel road." I
drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow
you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it
or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. That's why they smell to you. They smell
like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-40 goes east
and west, I-65 goes north and south. Pick one.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have
$250,000 cotton strippers that are driven only three weeks a
year.

6. So every person in the south waves. It's called being
friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are
coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better
hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah, we eat catfish and crawfish. You really want sushi
and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's
a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first
of November.

10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women,
regardless of age.

11. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order
steak. Or you can order the chef's salad and pick off the
two pounds of ham and turkey.

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes:
meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt,
pepper, and ketchup. Oh, yeah ... we don't care what you
folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat ... IT AIN'T
REAL CHILI!!

13. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet,
and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house,
she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and
have long hair.

14. College and high school football is as important here as
the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang sight more fun to
watch.

15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water
hazards -- it spooks the fish.

16. Colleges? We have them all over. We have state
universities, universities, and vo-techs. They come outta
there with an education plus a love for God and country, and
they still wave at everybody when they come for the
holidays.

17. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and
Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get
whipped by the best.

18. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump
mess ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it any more
than we want to see your boxers. Refer back to #1.

Received from FranCMT2.




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X-ray

A four-year-old girl had to have an x-ray taken at the
medical office where I worked. She had been in an accident
with her bicycle and the doctor was afraid she may have
broken her wrist.

The girl, however, was very concerned about the procedure,
and no matter how her mother tried to calm her, she kept
putting up quite a fuss as we led her into the x-ray
facility.

When she came out a few minutes later, however, she was calm
and all smiles. "They just took a picture of my bones," she
explained to her mother.

"Yes, dear," her mom replied. "I told you it was easy. Did
everything go well?"

"Yup. It was great!" the child exclaimed. "I didn't even
have to take my skin off or anything!"

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.




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12/4/14 1:24 A

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Artist's Sketch

Artist Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his new
chateau. The intruder got away, but Picasso told the police
he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like. On the
basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior,
the minister of finance, a washing machine, and the Eiffel
tower.

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.




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12/1/14 11:12 A

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Dressed Alike

I come from a large family, five sisters and three brothers.
My sisters and I were looking through the family photo album
one day. Picture after picture, we were all dressed in
matching clothes. I asked my mother why she dressed us all
alike, right down to the baby.

She explained, "When we had just four children, I dressed
you alike so we wouldn't lose any of you. Then," she added,
looking at the pictures in the album, "when the other five
came along, I started dressing you alike so we won't pick up
any that don't belong to us."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.




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11/30/14 8:12 A

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Speed

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new

Ferrari GTO It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it

costs him $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to

him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What

kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so
much?"

"Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!" states the doctor

proudly.

The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then,

sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice
car,

all right... but I'll stick with my Moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old
man

just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the

speedometer reads 150 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear what it could be and suddenly.

WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!

Something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be
going

faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself. He floors the
accelerator

and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas
and

passes the moped at 210 mph.

WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!

He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the
old

man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and
takes

the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph.

Not ten seconds later,he sees the Moped bearing down on him again!

The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing
the

rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and ,unbelievably , the old man is
still

alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My Gosh! Is
there

anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers, "Yeah...Unhook my suspenders from your side
mirror."




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11/27/14 8:30 A

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Aunt Karen

The teacher gave her fifth-grade class an assignment: get
their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end
of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell
their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer, and we have a lot of
egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market
in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big
bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and
made a mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are
farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We
had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got
ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't
count your chickens before they're hatched.'"

"That was a fine story, Sarah. Michael, do you have a story
to share?"

"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt
Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane
was hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all
she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a
machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it
wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of a
hundred enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the
machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed
twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. Then she
killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of
moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking!"

Received from Scott Brooksby, Las Vegas, NV.




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11/20/14 2:37 A

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The Confessional

A guy goes into the confessional box. He finds on one wall a
fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall
is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars.

Then the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a long time since I've
been to confession, but I must first say that the
confessional box is much more inviting these days."

The priest replies, "Get out! You're on my side!!!"

Received from Jeffrey A. Smith.




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11/19/14 7:27 A

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PUN-ishment
Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.

Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Received from Timothy Anger.





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Fixing Dinner

This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the
grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy
to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.

Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in
the air-conditioned house all day while she did all the
work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're asking me
about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town. Go inside
and figure dinner out yourself."

So he went back into the house and fixed himself a big steak
with potatoes, garlic bread, and a tall glass of iced tea.

The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing
up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where's
mine?"

He said, "Huh, I thought you were out of town."

Received from Debbie.




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11/13/14 12:52 A

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God and the Scientist

God is sitting in heaven when a scientist says to him,
"Lord, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally
figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other
words, we can now do what you did in the beginning."

"Oh, is that so? Tell me," replies God.

"Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it
into your likeness and breathe life into it, thus creating
man."

"Well, that's interesting. Show me."

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold
the soil.

"Oh no, no, no," interrupts God. "Get your own dirt."

Received from Ralph Loudermilk.




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11/12/14 12:58 A

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Cop With a Collar

A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him

better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations

faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months.

He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test
his

ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency. Among other
questions

he was asked, "What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?"

He thought for a moment and then said, "I would take up a
collection."




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11/11/14 8:51 P

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Which Landing?

As the passengers settled in on a West Coast commuter
flight, a flight attendant announced, "We'd like you folks
to help us welcome our new co-pilot. He'll be performing his
first commercial landing for us today, so be sure to give
him a big round of applause when we come to a stop."

The plane made an extremely bumpy landing, bouncing hard two
or three times before taxiing to a stop. Still, the
passengers applauded. Then the attendant's voice came over
the intercom, "Thanks for flying with us. And don't forget
to let our co-pilot know which landing you liked best."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.




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Egg Broke

One morning my sister woke up to see her two-year-old son
standing beside her bed. He said "Egg broke."

She promptly scolded him. "How many times have I told you
not to touch the eggs?"

His immediate reply was "One, two, three..." as he pointed
to a finger with each number.

Of course, the scolding was immediately over as she tried to
stifle the laughter!

Received from Marie Ingellis.





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List: Clubs

WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN ...

The Yoko club?
Oh no.

The German philosophy club?
I. Kant.

The Ford-Nixon club?
Pardon me?

The Arafat club?
Yessir.

The Ebert movie club?
Roger.

The Groucho Marx club?
You bet your life.

The Peter Pan club?
Never. Never.

The Japanese theater club?
Noh.

The quarterback club?
I'll pass.

The compulsive rhymers club?
Okey-dokey.

The Spanish optometrists club?
Si.

The anti-perspirant club?
Sure.

The procrastinators club?
Maybe next week.

The Self-Esteem Builders?
No - they probably would not accept me anyway.

The Agoraphobics Society?
Only if they meet at my house.

The Co-Dependence Club?
Can I bring a friend?

The Prayer Group?
God willing!

Received from Stan Kegel.




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Top 50 Programming Quotes

50. "Programming today is a race between software engineers
striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs,
and the universe trying to build bigger and better idiots.
So far, the universe is winning." - Rick Cook

49. "Lisp isn't a language -- it's a building material." -
Alan Kay

48. "Walking on water and developing software from a
specification are easy if both are frozen." - Edward V.
Berard

47. "They don't make bugs like Bunny anymore." - Olav Mjelde

46. "A programming language is low level when its programs
require attention to the irrelevant." - Alan J. Perlis

45. "A C program is like a fast dance on a newly waxed dance
floor by people carrying razors." - Waldi Ravens

44. "I have always wished for my computer to be as easy to
use as my telephone; my wish has come true because I can no
longer figure out how to use my telephone." - Bjarne
Stroustrup

43. "Computer science education cannot make anybody an
expert programmer any more than studying brushes and pigment
can make somebody an expert painter." - Eric S. Raymond

42. "Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything
did, you'd be out of a job." - Mosher's Law of Software
Engineering

41. "I think Microsoft named .Net so it wouldn't show up in
a Unix directory listing." - Oktal

40. "Fine, Java MIGHT be a good example of what a
programming language should be like. But Java applications
are good examples of what applications SHOULDN'T be like." -
pixadel

39. "Considering the current sad state of our computer
programs, software development is clearly still a black art,
and cannot yet be called an engineering discipline." - Bill
Clinton

38. "The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should
therefore be regarded as a criminal offense." - E.W.
Dijkstra

37. "In the one and only true way, the object-oriented
version of 'Spaghetti code' is, of course, 'Lasagna code'
(too many layers)." - Roberto Waltman

36. "FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed; it is hardy,
occasionally blooms, and grows in every computer." - Alan J.
Perlis

35. "For a long time it puzzled me how something so
expensive, so leading edge, could be so useless. And then it
occurred to me that a computer is a stupid machine with the
ability to do incredibly smart things, while computer
programmers are smart people with the ability to do
incredibly stupid things. They are, in short, a perfect
match." - Bill Bryson

34. "In my egotistical opinion, most people's C programs
should be indented six feet downward and covered with dirt."
- Blair P. Houghton

33. "When someone says: 'I want a programming language in
which I need only say what I wish done,' give him a
lollipop." - Alan J. Perlis

32. "The evolution of languages: FORTRAN is a non-typed
language. C is a weakly typed language. Ada is a strongly
typed language. C++ is a strongly hyped language." - Ron
Sercely

31. "Good design adds value faster than it adds cost." -
Thomas C. Gale

30. "Python's a drop-in replacement for BASIC in the sense
that Optimus Prime is a drop-in replacement for a truck." -
Cory Dodt

29. "Talk is cheap. Show me the code." - Linus Torvalds

28. "Perfection [in design] is achieved, not when there is
nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take
away." - Antoine de Saint-Exupry

27. "C is quirky, flawed, and an enormous success." - Dennis
M. Ritchie

26. "In theory, theory and practice are the same. In
practice, they're not." - Yogi Berra

25. "You can't have great software without a great team, and
most software teams behave like dysfunctional families." -
Jim McCarthy

24. "PHP is a minor evil perpetrated and created by
incompetent amateurs, whereas Perl is a great and insidious
evil, perpetrated by skilled but perverted professionals." -
Jon Ribbens

23. "Programming is like kicking yourself in the face:
sooner or later your nose will bleed." - Kyle Woodbury

22. "Perl -- the only language that looks the same before
and after RSA encryption." - Keith Bostic

21. "It is easier to port a shell than a shell script." -
Larry Wall

20. "I invented the term 'Object-Oriented,' and I can tell
you I did not have C++ in mind." - Alan Kay

19. "Learning to program has no more to do with designing
interactive software than learning to touch type has to do
with writing poetry" - Ted Nelson

18. "The best programmers are not marginally better than
merely good ones. They are an order-of-magnitude better,
measured by whatever standard: conceptual creativity, speed,
ingenuity of design, or problem-solving ability." - Randall
E. Stross

17. "If McDonald's were run like a software company, one out
of every hundred Big Macs would give you food poisoning, and
the response would be, 'We're sorry; here's a coupon for two
more.'" - Mark Minasi

16. "Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it
correct, not tried it." - Donald E. Knuth

15. "Computer system analysis is like child-rearing; you can
do grievous damage, but you cannot ensure success." - Tom
DeMarco

14. "I don't care if it works on your machine! We are not
shipping your machine!" - Vidiu Platon

13. "Sometimes it pays to stay in bed on Monday, rather than
spending the rest of the week debugging Monday's code." -
Christopher Thompson

12. "Measuring programming progress by lines of code is like
measuring aircraft building progress by weight." - Bill
Gates

11. "Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the
first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as
possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug
it." - Brian W. Kernighan

10. "People think that computer science is the art of
geniuses, but the actual reality is the opposite, just many
people doing things that build on each other, like a wall of
mini stones." - Donald Knuth

9. "First learn computer science and all the theory. Next
develop a programming style. Then forget all that and just
hack." - George Carrette

8. "Most of you are familiar with the virtues of a
programmer. There are three, of course: laziness,
impatience, and hubris." - Larry Wall

7. "Most software today is very much like an Egyptian
pyramid with millions of bricks piled on top of each other,
with no structural integrity, but just done by brute force
and thousands of slaves." - Alan Kay

6. "The trouble with programmers is that you can never tell
what a programmer is doing until it's too late." - Seymour
Cray

5. "To iterate is human, to recurse divine." - L. Peter
Deutsch

4. "On two occasions I have been asked [by members of
Parliament]: 'Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine
wrong figures, will the right answers come out?' I am not
able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas
that could provoke such a question." - Charles Babbage

3. "Most good programmers do programming not because they
expect to get paid or get adulation by the public, but
because it is fun to program." - Linus Torvalds

2. "Always code as if the guy who ends up maintaining your
code will be a violent psychopath who knows where you live."
- Martin Golding

1. "There are two ways of constructing a software design.
One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no
deficiencies. And the other way is to make it so complicated
that there are no obvious deficiencies." - C.A.R. Hoare

Received from Trey Nolen.




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10/16/14 9:28 A

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Adders

The Flood is over and the ark has landed. Noah lets all the
animals out and says, "Go forth and multiply."

A few months later, Noah decides to take a stroll and see
how the animals are doing. Everywhere he looks he finds baby
animals. Everyone is doing fine except for one pair of
little snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah.

"Cut down some trees and let us live there," say the snakes.

Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah
checks on the snakes again. He finds lots of little snakes,
and everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how the
trees helped?"

"Certainly," say the snakes. "We're adders, so we need logs
to multiply."




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Higher Power
A Sunday school teacher said to the children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"

One child blurted out, "Aces!"

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.





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Rusty I missed your jokes.

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List: Clubs

WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN ...

The Yoko club?
Oh no.

The German philosophy club?
I. Kant.

The Ford-Nixon club?
Pardon me?

The Arafat club?
Yessir.

The Ebert movie club?
Roger.

The Groucho Marx club?
You bet your life.

The Peter Pan club?
Never. Never.

The Japanese theater club?
Noh.

The quarterback club?
I'll pass.

The compulsive rhymers club?
Okey-dokey.

The Spanish optometrists club?
Si.

The anti-perspirant club?
Sure.

The procrastinators club?
Maybe next week.

The Self-Esteem Builders?
No - they probably would not accept me anyway.

The Agoraphobics Society?
Only if they meet at my house.

The Co-Dependence Club?
Can I bring a friend?

The Prayer Group?
God willing!

Received from Stan Kegel.




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