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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 35,229
4/24/16 9:02 P

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My Business
A father walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25-cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat.

He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.

A middle-aged, fairly unremarkable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but only just) the man takes hold of the kid and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy coughs up the quarter, which the man catches in his free hand.

The man then walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son was fine, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him.

The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the thanks.

As he's about to leave, the father asks one last question. "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic - what are you, a surgeon or something like that?"

"No" the man replies, "I work for the IRS, getting people to cough it up is my business."

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.



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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 35,229
4/23/16 4:02 P

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New Things to Ponder
Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does s/he call?

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose- fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

Received from Irene A. Mystery.



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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 35,229
4/14/16 10:41 P

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Vise Grip
When I noticed a broken vise grip in the trash can, I decided to buy my husband a new one for his birthday. I went to the hardware store and asked the salesman, "Do you have any heavy-duty vises?"

"Sorry, ma'am," he replied. "I gave them all up for Lent."

[Thanks to Reader's Digest.]

Received from Clean-Laffs.



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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 35,229
4/13/16 9:21 P

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I bought a new pair of walking shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day



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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 35,229
4/12/16 1:32 P

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Vet Bills
While waiting at the veterinarian's office, I overheard two women chatting about their dogs.

"What's your dog's name?" asked the first woman.

"Well, we used to call her Pork Chop," answered the second lady. "But after the vet bills we've had for her, we now call her Filet Mignon."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.



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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 35,229
4/4/16 7:57 P

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Keeping Grandpa
At my grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary, I was looking through a photo album of their marriage ceremony. "Grandma, so many of these styles have come back over the years," I commented.

Grandma never hesitated. "That's why I've kept Grandpa all this time," she said. "I know he'll be back in style again one of these days."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.
--



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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 35,229
4/2/16 7:24 P

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You're Not a Kid Anymore When
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You quit trying to hold in your stomach, no matter who walks into the room.

You enjoy watching the news.

The phone rings and you hope it's not for you.

The only reason you're still awake at 4 am is indigestion.

People ask what color your hair USED to be.

You're proud of your lawnmower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age AND isn't breaking any laws.

You start singing along with the elevator music.

You really do want a new washing machine for your birthday.

Your car has four doors.

You routinely check the oil in your car.

You've owned clothes so long that they've come back into style TWICE.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

7 AM is your idea of "sleeping in."

You don't remember when you got that mole...or the one next to it.

You write thank you notes without being told.

Neighbors borrow your tools.

- according to Jeff Foxworthy

Received from Dave's Chuckles.



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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 35,229
4/1/16 6:57 P

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Hair
Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to wondering about things. "Mommy, why has Daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.

"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.

"So why do YOU have so much hair?" Little Johnny asks.

"Go eat your breakfast!" snarled his mother.

Received from Da Mouse Tracks.



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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 35,229
3/29/16 9:09 P

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The Stethoscope
A nurse on the pediatric ward, before listening to the little ones' chests, would plug the stethoscope into their ears and let them listen to their own hearts.

Their eyes would always light up with awe. But she never got a response to equal four-year-old David's. She placed the disk over his heart. "Listen," she said, "what do you suppose that is?"

He drew his eyebrows together in a puzzled line and looked up, as if lost in the mystery of the strange tap-tap-tapping deep in his chest.

Then his face broke out in a wondrous grin. "Is that Jesus knocking?" he asked.

"Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me." (Revelation 3:20)

Received from Scott Neville.
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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 35,229
3/26/16 4:54 P

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Dumb Jock
The huge college freshman figured he'd try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.

"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.

"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"

"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred-yard dash.

"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"

The freshman rolled his eyes and hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.



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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 35,229
3/21/16 9:43 P

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Ten-Thousand Roaches
A woman called up a pet store and said, "Send me ten-thousand cockroaches at once."

"What in the world do you want with ten-thousand cockroaches?" asked the clerk.

"Well," replied the woman, "I am moving today and my lease says I must leave the place in the same condition I found it."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.



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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 35,229
3/15/16 4:24 A

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Cousin Thomas
When Alexandra, my niece, was preparing for her first day of school, she confided in her mom that she was concerned about how her cousin Thomas's behavior in the classroom might reflect on her. "He burps and screams, he won't listen and he won't sit still," she lamented.

"Well, how did it go at school?" her mom asked her when she picked Alexandra up at the end of the day. "Did Thomas do anything to embarrass you?"

"Oh, no," Alexandra replied. "All the boys are like that!"

Received from Da Mouse Tracks.



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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 35,229
3/14/16 7:56 P

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Movie Theater
"Pardon me, lady," said the man trying to get back to his seat in the darkened movie theater, "but did I step on your toes a few minutes ago?"

"You certainly did!" said the woman in the aisle seat.

"Good, then I'm in the right row," the man said as he went back to his seat.

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.
--



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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 35,229
3/13/16 2:15 P

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What's Amore?
When the moon hits your eye
Like a big pizza pie,
That's amore.

When an eel bites your hand
And that's not what you planned,
That's a moray.

When our habits are strange
And our customs deranged,
That's our mores.

When your horse munches straw
And the bales total four,
That's some more hay.

When Othello's poor wife
She gets stabbed with a knife,
That's a Moor, eh?

Received from Robert Dvorak.
--



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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 35,229
3/7/16 4:15 P

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T-Shirt Slogans
"That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (Seen on an 8 year old)

"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"

"Procrastinate Now."

"My Dog Can Lick Anyone."

"I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?"

"FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software."

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance."

"Time's fun when you're having flies...Kermit the Frog."

- from Laugh & Lift

Received from Laugh & Lift via Doc's Daily Chuckle.



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3/6/16 1:48 P

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The Irish Lass
When she had finished parochial school, a bright young girl named Betty shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York, where she soon became a successful performer in show business.

Eventually she returned to her home town in Ireland for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional, Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work.

She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage.

She stepped out of the confessional, and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings, and back flips.

Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two older ladies. They witnessed Betty's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other, "Will ya just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me Sunday bloomers on."

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.



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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 35,229
3/4/16 6:31 P

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Writing Prescriptions
Did you hear about the doctor who wrote out a prescription in the usual doctor's fashion?

The patient used it for two years as a railroad pass.

Twice it got him into Radio City Music Hall, and once into Yankee Stadium.

It came in handy as a letter from his employer to the cashier to increase his salary.

And to top it off, his daughter played it on the piano and won a scholarship to the Curtis Music Conservatory.

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.



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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 35,229
3/3/16 3:54 P

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Generation Gap
During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents, young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try to stop me!"

With that, he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind.

"Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try to stop me."

"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, I'll go with you."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.



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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 35,229
3/1/16 8:20 P

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Government Employees
A fellow stopped at a rural petrol station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old hole. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"

"Well, we work for the county, " one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us--me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back.

Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean that Mike and me can't work."

Received from JP.



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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 35,229
2/29/16 1:25 P

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Towels
When Sam returned to the house one evening, his wife Sarah announced that the new cleaning woman they had hired had stolen two towels.

"Yeah," said Sam very disinterested, and reclining on the sofa, "that wasn't very nice of her to do."

"You're darn right it wasn't," Sarah said. "And they were the two best towels we had .... you know the ones we got from the Hilton Hotel while we were on vacation!"

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.
--



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2/28/16 10:38 P

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Remembering Dates
Because I had forgotten the dates for the birthdays and anniversaries of a number of my friends and relatives, I decided to compile a list on the computer and have the dates highlighted on screen when the machine was turned on. I went to a number of computer stores to find a software program that would do the job but had no luck at the first few. I finally found one where the clerk seemed experienced.

"Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and anniversaries?" I asked.

"Have you tried a wife?" he replied.

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.



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2/27/16 10:25 P

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Tire Blowout
A software manager, a hardware manager, and a marketing manager are driving to a meeting when a tire blows. They get out of the car and look at the problem.

The software manager says, "I can't do anything about this -- it's a hardware problem."

The hardware manager says, "Maybe if we turned the car off and on again, it would fix itself."

The marketing manager says, "Hey, 75% of it is working -- let's ship it!"
--



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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 35,229
2/26/16 5:18 P

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Quick Quips
"The first law of advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague." - John Crosby, advertising executive

***

"I searched for the bluebird of happiness, but all I found was the chicken of despair." - Anonymous

***

Did you know that Cinderella was a lousy basketball player? What did you expect? She only had a PUMPKIN for a coach!

***

A Zen master once said to me, "Do the opposite of whatever I tell you." So I didn't.

***

"My doctor tells me I suffer from extreme hypochondria. He prescribed a strong placebo, but I don't think it's working." - Fred Marcum

***

"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up." - Unknown

Received from Clean-Laffs.



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2/25/16 6:52 P

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Parking Permit
As I pulled into a crowded parking lot, I asked the cop standing there, "Is it all right to park here?"

"No," he said. "Can't you see that No Parking sign?"

"What about all those other cars in there?"

He shrugged. "They didn't ask."

- from Arthur Clum (via Reader's Digest)

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.



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2/24/16 11:22 P

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Sound of the Drums
A researcher arrives in Borneo to gather data for his thesis. Accompanied by his trusty guide, he seeks out a very remote locale for researching the mating behavior of the giant rat of Sumatra.

Around dusk of the first day, he's sitting by the campfire with his guide when in the distance, he hears tribal drums. They get louder. The guide announces, "I don't like the sound of those drums."

The dusk turns evening. The drums get louder. The guide says, "I really don't like the sound of those drums."

Evening turns to dead of night. The drums get louder and louder, until it is obvious that the drummers must be quite close. The guide says again, "I really don't like the sound of those drums."

Suddenly the drums stop, and a voice from the darkness cries out, "Hey man, he's not our regular drummer!"

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.
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MNABOY's Photo MNABOY Posts: 35,229
2/23/16 12:40 P

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Remembering Dates
Because I had forgotten the dates for the birthdays and anniversaries of a number of my friends and relatives, I decided to compile a list on the computer and have the dates highlighted on screen when the machine was turned on. I went to a number of computer stores to find a software program that would do the job but had no luck at the first few. I finally found one where the clerk seemed experienced.

"Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and anniversaries?" I asked.

"Have you tried a wife?" he replied.

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.



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2/21/16 2:00 P

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Perfect Par
A retired gentleman spent most afternoons at the local golf course. Every day he would spend about 3 hours out on the course, playing a round by himself. When he would return to the club house, the resident pro would inquire about his score.

"Ed, how'd you shoot today?," to which the man would *always* reply, "Another perfect par."

The golf pro (being of average intelligence) knew that there was no way the old man was shooting straight par every day, but since he was a regular customer, he didn't want to insult the man by accusing him of lying.

Finally, one day, the pro decided to accompany the old man on his daily round, just to see for himself. On the first tee, the older gentleman sliced the ball way off into the rough. He found his ball, but his second shot was even worse. Finally putting it into the first hole (a par 4) took him 8 swings. The golf pro thought to himself "I knew it. This old geezer's been lying all this time. There s no way he is gonna shoot anywhere near par."

They continued on, and the old man's game stayed the same, never once getting a par on any one hole. After almost 3 hours, they teed off on the 13th hole. The old man actually hit it straight down the middle - It was the best shot he had made all day! He promptly walked down the fairway to his ball, picked it up, and began walking back to the clubhouse.

The pro was confused. "Hey, that was a great shot. Where are you going now?"

"Oh, I'm done." the old man replied with a smile, "That shot was number 72 ...another perfect par!"

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.



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2/20/16 8:24 P

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Punny Wednesday 2
A store for singles is a "meet" market.

They honored the French chef by giving him the quiche to the city. (Win Ben Stein's Money)

Barbie's fave sports team is the Doll-fins. (Cynthia MacGregor)

I once saw a tribal chief eat an entire Websters dictionary. We gave him castor oil for a week but never got a word out of him. (Bradley)

The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top, and you sit on the bottom.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. (Gag-O-Matic)

I picked up a Magic 8-Ball the other day and it said "Outlook not so good." I said, "Sure, but Microsoft still ships it." (Aiken Drum)

Received from Stan Kegel.



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2/19/16 6:04 P

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Higher Education
A dog is so smart that his master decides to send him to college.

Home for vacation, his master asks him how college is going.

"Well," says the dog, "I'm not doing too great in science and math, but I have made a lot of progress in foreign languages."

"Really!" says the master. "Say something in a foreign language."

The dog says, "Meow!"

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.



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2/18/16 4:39 P

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Newspaper Headline Chuckles
- Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

- Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Needy

- Arson Suspect Is Held in Massachusetts Fire

- British Union Finds Dwarves in Short Supply

- Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

- Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

- Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

- New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

- Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.



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2/16/16 6:33 P

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Sea Mammal
A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd porpoise on one of its trips. Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free.

"Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "wouldn't it be a kindness if our ship's doctor here were to amputate the feet so that it would be like other porpoises?"

"Not on your life," exclaimed the doctor. "That would be defeeting the porpoise."

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2/15/16 7:18 P

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Ministers and Lawyers
A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party.

"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.

"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?"

The minister replied, "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.



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2/14/16 2:27 P

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Half the Job
"This little computer," said the sales clerk, "will do half of your job for you."

Studying the machine, the senior VP said, "Fine. I'll take two."

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2/13/16 7:14 P

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Small Town Emergency
The sheriff of a small town was also the town's veterinarian. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"

"Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?" the wife asked. "Both!" was the reply.

"We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.



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2/12/16 1:44 P

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Valentine's Day Shorts
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Sherwood
Sherwood who?
Sherwood like to be your valentine!

Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day?
A: Forget-me-nuts.

Q: Did Adam and Eve ever have a date?
A: No, but they had an apple.

Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?
Sure, they're very scent-imental!

What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine's Day?
Ughs and kisses!

What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day?
Hugs and quiches!

What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?
Hogs and kisses!

GCLF



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2/11/16 7:32 A

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Having a Baby
A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!"

The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?"

He says, "No! This is her husband!"
GCLF



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Funny Puns and One-Liners
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)

A backwards poet writes inverse.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

If a clock is hungry does it go back four seconds?

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, will you get repossessed?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Without geometry, life is pointless.
gcf



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Needed To Be Pushed
A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 20 mph for it to start.

She said fine, hopped into her car and drove off.

I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.

A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me at about 30 mph, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions.....

Received from Todd.



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This is the Captain
About 90 fifth-graders piled into the airliner I was flying, on their way home from a school trip. Once we were in the air, and the crew began serving drinks, I could hear them pleading with the children to settle down and let the other passengers get some sleep.

No amount of reasoning seemed to help, until I thought of the solution that actually worked. I picked up the PA mike in the cockpit and announced, "Children, this is the captain speaking. Don't make me stop this airplane and come back there!"

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.



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The Case of the Missing Cow
A big city lawyer was called in on a case between a farmer and a large railroad company. The farmer noticed that his prize cow was missing from the field through which the railroad passed. He filed suit against the railroad company for the value of the cow. The case was to be tried before the Justice of the Peace in the back room of the General Store.

The attorney immediately cornered the farmer and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and the farmer finally agreed to take half of what he was claiming to settle the case. After the farmer signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't help but gloat a little over his success.

He said to the farmer, "You know, I hate to tell you this but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your farm that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand."

The old farmer replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself because that durned cow came home this morning!"

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.



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Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one.
On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"
"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
"Okay, but I suggest that you take the trout."
"But why?"
"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take trout. She prefers that for dinner tonight
from Roy Price



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Door Signs
A person checks into a hotel for the first time in his life and goes up to his room. Five minutes later, he calls the desk and says, "You've given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?"

The desk clerk says, "Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?"

The person says, "Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a 'do not disturb' sign on it."

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.



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Judge's Tie
At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets.

Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie.

The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a 'bug' planted by the conspiracy defendants. The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters In Washington, DC for analysis.

Two weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office to learn the results of their tests.

"We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells.'"

Received from Pastor Tim.



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Painting Lines
A man was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway. On his first day he painted six miles; the next day three miles; the following day less than a mile.

When the foreman asked the man why he kept painting less each day, he replied, "I just can't do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can."

Received from John D.




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12 Reasons Why A Local Minister Stopped Attending Sports Events
12) Every time I went, they asked me for money.

11) The people I had to sit with didn't seem very friendly.

10) The seats were very hard.

9) The coach never came to call on me.

8) The referee made a decision I couldn't agree with.

7) I had to sit with some hypocrites who were only there to see what others were wearing.

6) Some games went into overtime and I was late getting home.

5) The band played some songs I had never heard before.

4) The games are scheduled when I want to do other things.

3) I don't want to take my children because I want them to choose for themselves what sport they like best.

2) My parents took me to too many games when I was growing up.

1) Since I read a book on sports, I feel that I know more than the coaches, anyhow.

From the book _Holy Humor_ by Cal & Rose Samra.

Received from Herb Thiel.



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The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," said the director, "a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Received from Timothy Anger.



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Fishing on Sunday
A village pastor, known for his weakness for trout, preached against fishing on Sunday.

The next day one of his members presented him with a fine string of fish and said hesitatingly, "I guess I ought to tell you, parson, that those trout were caught on Sunday."

The minister hesitated, gazed appreciatively at the speckled trout, and then said piously as he reached for his gift, "The fish aren't to blame for that."

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.



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The Speeder
A traffic cop on patrol one night, watching a 35-mph zone on the edge of town, suddenly saw a car come blazing by his hideout. Quickly grabbing at his radar gun, he clocked the fast-moving vehicle at 87 mph!

The officer took off after the speeder and soon had the car pulled over on the side of the road. Expecting trouble with such a reckless driver, the patrolman approached cautiously.

To his surprise, the driver of the offending vehicle was a little old lady, barely tall enough to see over the steering wheel.

"Ma'am," the officer began, "do you know how fast you were going?"

"I was just getting her up around 90, I believe, officer," the old lady answered calmly, peering up at him through her bifocals. "Why, what seems to be the problem?"

Shocked, the officer returned her comment, "What seems to be the problem? Why, this is a 35-mph zone! That's the problem. Didn't you see the sign?"

"Oh sure," the old lady returned, "That's why I'm driving so fast. I'm just trying to follow its instruction."

Dumbfounded, the officer was momentarily speechless.

"Just what sign are you talking about, ma'am?" he asked, when he finally recovered.

Smiling up at the officer, the old lady placed a gentle hand on his wrist and said, "Why, the one that said 'Speed Zone Ahead,' of course!"

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.



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Lion Tracks
"Look, guide, here are some LION tracks."

"Good. You see where they go and I'll find out where they came from."

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.



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Twenty-First Century Exercises
Physical exercise is good for you. I know that I should do it daily, but my body doesn't want me to do to much, so I have worked out this program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise. You are invited to use my program without charge.

01) Beating around the bush

02) Jumping to conclusions

03) Climbing the walls

04) Swallowing my pride

05) Passing the buck

06) Throwing my weight around

07) Dragging my heels

08) Pushing my luck

09) Making mountains out of molehills

10) Hitting the nail on the head

11) Wading through paperwork

12) Bending over backwards

13) Jumping on the bandwagon

14) Balancing the books

15) Running around in circles

16) Eating crow

17) Tooting my own horn

18) Climbing the ladder of success

19) Pulling out the stops

20) Adding fuel to the fire

21) Opening a can of worms

22) Putting my foot in my mouth

23) Starting the ball rolling

24) Going over the edge

25) Picking up the pieces

Whew! What a workout! I think I'll exercise my caution now, and sit down.

Received from Andychap.



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New Sign
Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand that sold fruit, vegetables, and crafts.

As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was painting a sign.

"Why the new sign?" I asked.

"My boyfriend didn't approve of the old one," she said.

When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood. It declared, "Local Honey, Dates, Nuts."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.
--



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Diagnosis
While making the rounds, Dr. Owens points out an X-Ray to a group of medical students.

"As you can see," he says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Aman Preet, what would you do in a case like this?"

Preet pondered for a second and answered, "I guess I'd limp, too."

Received from Joke du Jour.




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Political Promise
Did you hear about the politician who promised that, if he was elected, he'd make certain that everybody would get an above average income?

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Possible
The teacher asked her students what they wanted to become when they grew up. A chorus of responses came from all over the room:

"A football player."

"A doctor."

"An astronaut."

"The president."

"A fireman."

"A teacher."

"A race car driver."

Everyone that is, except Tommy.

The teacher noticed he was sitting there quiet and still. So she asked him, "Tommy, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

"Possible," Tommy replied.

"Possible?" asked the teacher.

"Yes," Tommy said. "My mom is always telling me I'm impossible. So when I get to be big, I want to be possible."

Received from Big Mac Clean Joke Attack.



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Stop Sign
Driving my car one afternoon, I rolled through a stop sign. I was pulled over by a police officer who recognized me as his former English teacher.

"Mrs. Brown," he said, "those stop signs are periods, not commas."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.



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Working With God
A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.

During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!"

A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there are plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows.

"Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together!"

"Yes, Reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!"

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.
--



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She Don't Look So Good!

After examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency
Room, the doctor took the woman's husband aside and said, "I
don't like the looks of your wife at all."

"Me neither, doc," said the husband. "But she's a great
cook, and she's really good with the kids."

Received from Doc's Daily Chuckle.




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Marriage
My friend was about to be married when her future mother-in-law met my friend's seven-year-old niece for the first time. She asked her how she was going to participate in the wedding.

"I'm going to be the flower girl," she said excitedly, "my brother's going to be the ring bearer, Dad's going to be the emcee, and Mom said she's going to be broke."

Received from Da Mouse Tracks.





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Medicine vs. Sports

Former college basketball coach Abe Lemmons made the
following observations concerning the differences between
doctors and coaches:

Doctors can bury their mistakes; coaches still have theirs
on scholarships.

Finish last in your league and they call you an idiot;
finish last in medical school and they call you a doctor.

Just once I'd like to see the win-loss records of doctors
right out front where people can see them: Won ten, lost
three, tied two.

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Baseball Game

A passerby stopped to watch a baseball game taking place at
the local park.

"Who's playing?" he asked another observer.

"The Masons against the Knights of Columbus," he responded.

"What's the score?"

"I don't know. It's a secret."

Received from Michael Wright, Tampa, FL.




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Mental Test

Mental institution inmates are given a test to check their
state of mind.

The instructor draws a door on the wall and orders them to
go out.

They start rushing to the door, but one remains sitting. The
instructor goes to him and asks, "Why didn't you join the
others?"

He replies, "Let them fight -- they forgot I have the keys!"

Received from Steve Sanderson.




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Signs You Might Be from Louisiana
The crawdad mounds in your front yard have over taken the grass.

You greet people with "Howzyamomma'an'dem?" and hear back "Dey fine!"

Every so often, you have waterfront property.

When giving directions, you use words like "uptown," "downtown," "backatown," "riverside," "lakeside," "other side of the bayou," or "other side of the levee."

When you refer to a geographical location "way up North," you are referring to places like Shreveport, Little Rock, or Memphis, "where it gets real cold."

You've ever had Community Coffee.

You can pronounce Tchoupitoulas but can't spell it (also, Thibideaux, Opelousas, Ponchartrain, Ouachita, Atchafalaya).

You don't worry when you see ships riding higher in the river than the top of your house.

You judge a po-boy by the number of napkins used.

The waitress at your local sandwich shop tells you a fried oyster po-boy "dressed" is healthier than a Caesar salad.

You know the definition of "dressed."

You can eat Popeye's, Haydel's, and Zapp's for lunch and wash it down with Barq's and several Abitas, without losing it all on your stoop.

The four seasons in your year are: crawfish, shrimp, Crab, and King Cake.

You "wrench" your hands in the sink with an onion bar to get the crawfish smell off.

You're not afraid when someone wants to "ax you something."

You don't learn until high school that Mardi Gras is not a national holiday.

You don't realize until high school what a "county" is.

You believe that purple, green, and gold look good together (and you will even eat things those colors).

You go to buy a new winter coat (what most people would refer to as a windbreaker) and throw your arms up in the air to make sure it allows enough room to catch Mardi Gras beads.

Your last name isn't pronounced the way it's spelled.

You know what a nutria rat is but you still pick it to represent your baseball team.

You have spent a summer afternoon on the Lake Pontchartrain seawall catching blue crabs.

You describe a color as "K&B Purple."

You like your rice and politics dirty.

You pronounce the largest city in the state as "Nawlins."

A friend gets in trouble for roaches in his car and you wonder if it was palmettos or those little ones that go after the french fries that fell under the seat.

You know those big roaches can fly, but you're able to sleep at night anyway.

You assume everyone has mosquito swarms in their backyard.

You realize the rainforest is less humid than Louisiana.

Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth.





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