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6/19/10 8:02 P

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This is priceless!

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

(I just love this)


"Ralph, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"




“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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5/30/10 10:50 P

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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"



(folks, you're gonna luv this)



The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."




(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)


Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!

Have a great day.....






“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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5/16/10 10:11 P

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Bran Flakes


The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.


Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.


They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'


The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'





Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!'


The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your darn Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'


“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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4/23/10 10:56 P

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POWER OUTAGE

At my recent assault trial, I offered a plea of
"Guilty with an explanation."

The judge asked me what my explanation was, so I told my
story.

"Your Honor," I said, "I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually
kept. I was met with: 'Hi! I'm Belinda!' This perky clipboard carrier
smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, 'All I
need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then
slip on this gown. Everything clear?'

I'm thinking, 'Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science.' Belinda
skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the
left and said, 'Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so
we can get everything?' 'Fine', I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and
out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and
finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity
(with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass)
when we heard, then felt a zap!

Complete darkness and the power went off! 'Oh, maintenance is working.
Bet they hit a snag.' Belinda said, and headed for the door. 'Excuse me!

You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?' I shouted. Belinda kept
going and said, 'Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the
emergency hall lights. I'll be right back.'

Before I could shout 'NOOOO!' she disappeared. And that's exactly how
Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me .... half-naked with
part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between
glass! After exchanging a polite 'Hi, how's it going' type greeting,
Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power
was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as
possible 'Uh, yes, yes I did thanks.' 'You bet, take care' Bubba
replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the
grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no
attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, 'Oh I am sooo sorry!' The
power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to
lunch. Are we upset?'

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps..."

The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said 'Case Dismissed!!'



“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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4/10/10 10:43 P

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Better than a Flu
Shot!
· Miss Beatrice ,

· The church organist,

· Was in her eighties

· And had never been married. She was
admired for her sweetness

· And kindness to all.

· One afternoon the pastor

· Came to call on her and she showed him
into her quaint sitting room.

· She invited him to have a seat while
she prepared tea...

· As he sat facing her old Hammond
organ,

· The young minister

· Noticed a cut glass
bowl Sitting on top of it.

· The bowl was filled

· With water, and in the
water
Floated, of all things, a
condom!

· When she returned

· With tea and
scones,

· They began to chat.

· The pastor tried to stifle his
curiosity

· About the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer
resist.

· ' Miss Beatrice ', he said,

· 'I wonder if you would tell me about
this?'

· Pointing to the bowl.

· 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it
wonderful?

· I was walking through

· The Park a few months ago

· And I found this little package on the
ground.

· The directions said

· To place it on the organ,

· Keep it wet and that it would prevent
the spread of disease.. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.



“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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4/4/10 1:10 P

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Reasons I Still Believe in the Easter Bunny

1. Hey, I watch television. Every year, he's there clucking in the Cadbury egg commercials.

2. Who do you think delivers all the baskets and stuff, the little chicks? Doubtful.

3. When I was six, I saw a bunny at the scene of the crime. He put his finger aside his nose, and up the chimney he rose.

4. Hey, I have this figured out: if you don't believe, you get no chocolate. duh!

5. Someone is posing for those chocolate rabbit molds, and I think you're thinking what I'm thinking.

6. Who else has time to color all those eggs? Not me, Jack.

7. Yeah, and Peter Rabbit didn't think Mr. McGregor was going to catch him in the cabbage patch either -- get with the times.

8. I had a pet rabbit in the 4th grade, and he told me it was all true.

9. Once, I put a tooth under my pillow, and in the morning I had a marshmallow Easter egg.

10. I've seen the evidence in my house... and I thought they were raisins...


“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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3/31/10 10:41 A

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Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.

St. Peter asks the first blonde, “What is Easter?”

The blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy! It’s the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful…”

“Wrong!” replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, “What is Easter?”

The second blonde replies, “Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.”

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she’s wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, “What is Easter?”

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, “I know what Easter is.”

“Oh?” says St. Peter, incredulously.

“Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder.”

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues, “Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.”

Happy Easter!


“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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3/29/10 7:22 P

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(scroll down)
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."



Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh .... .......


(scroll down)











Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."


“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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3/2/10 11:08 P

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A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife
stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:


"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife
merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please
allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out
their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them
to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the
cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery
shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced
the checkbook. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the
laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with
them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids
organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV
while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad,
breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded
laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't
finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he
managed to get through without complaint. The next morning, he awoke and
immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was
thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all
day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have
learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way
they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got
pregnant last night




“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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L*I*T*A*'s Photo L*I*T*A* SparkPoints: (346,169)
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2/14/10 7:27 P

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Heaven Was Getting Just a Bit Too Crowdedþ When….



It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, 'Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.'

'No problem, the man said. 'I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.

Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!

Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground.

But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands on to throw at him.

Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!

The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.'

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, 'OK, sir.. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven ,' and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was Donald Trump.

'Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I nee d to hear about what your day was like when you died.'

Trump said, 'No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally
fell over the side!

Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so
I didn't die right away.

As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly.'

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. 'I could get used to this new policy,' he thinks to himself. 'Very well,' the Angel announces. 'Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven ,' and he lets Trump enter.

A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says, 'Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died.'

Clinton says, 'OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator......





“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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1/19/10 8:57 P

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A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.



This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00....

on one condition..."


Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was.. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."



The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said....


"Clean my house."





“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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L*I*T*A*'s Photo L*I*T*A* SparkPoints: (346,169)
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Posts: 176,879
12/5/09 11:58 P

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These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts", and are things people have actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________________
__

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
________________________________________
___

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
________________________________________
____

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
__________________________________________
_

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Really??

________________________________________
____

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
__________________________________________
__

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
__________________________________________
__

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________________
_

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
__________________________________________
__

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been
alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.



“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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11/5/09 10:36 P

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Three Little Prayers
Three men walking through the woods get lost and find themselves at a raging river. As night begins to fall the men turn to prayer.
1st man: Dear God, please help me to cross this river.
*Poof*
A rubber raft appears and the man paddles and fights his way across taking five hours.
2nd man: Dear God, please help me to quickly cross this river.
*Poof*
A wooden boat appears and he rows across to the other side of the river taking three hours.
3rd man: Dear God, please give me the presence of mind, the courage and ability to make it across the river.
*Poof*
The man changes into a woman, she reads the map, and walks over the bridge.




“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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10/18/09 11:59 A

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Smart children. :)

Lorraine An attitude of gratitude makes all the difference. According to aerodynamic laws, the bumblebee cannot fly. Its body weight is not the right proportion to its wingspan. Ignoring these laws, the bee flies anyway.


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10/18/09 12:52 A

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Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
They got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
They’re such smart alecks.



“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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10/5/09 5:42 P

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Very cute. Thanks for sharing. :)

Lorraine An attitude of gratitude makes all the difference. According to aerodynamic laws, the bumblebee cannot fly. Its body weight is not the right proportion to its wingspan. Ignoring these laws, the bee flies anyway.


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10/4/09 12:05 P

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Two Little Boys

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous. They

were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it.

If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably

involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been

successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak

with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the

mother sent the 8 year old first in the morning, with the older boy to

see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down

and asked him sternly, 'Do you know where God is, son?'

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there

wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, 'Where

is God?'


Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice

even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, 'Where

is God?'

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove

into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother

found him in the closet, he asked, 'What happened?'

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, 'We are in BIG

trouble this time,' (I just LOVE reading this next line again and

again:)

'GOD is missing, and they think we did it.'



“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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9/17/09 11:30 P

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DIVORCE VS. MURDER
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to
the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like
to buy some cyanide.'
The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.. That's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of
bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's
different.. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.


“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


 August Minutes: 2,400
 
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9/7/09 9:13 P

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good one..........thanks


“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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9/7/09 9:09 P

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A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant eating lunch. He opened a letter he'd just received that morning from his mom. As he opened it a twenty-dollar bill fell out. He thought to himself, Thanks, Mom, I sure needed that right now. As he finished his meal he noticed a beggar outside on the sidewalk leaning against the light post. Thinking that the poor man could probably use the twenty dollars more than he, he crossed out the names on the envelope and wrote across the top in large letters, PERSEVERE! So as not to make a scene, he put the envelope under his arm and dropped it as he walked past the man. The man picked it up and read the message and smiled. The next day, as the pastor enjoyed his meal, the same man tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a big wad of bills. Surprised, the young pastor asked him what that was for. The man replied, "This is your half of the winnings. Perservere came in first in the fourth race at the track yesterday and paid thirty to one."
Candy

I am not alone God is with me in this and all endeavors I take.

I live in Topeka, KS.

My NASCAR driver is Dale Jr., his number is 88.


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9/7/09 12:03 P

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The Italian Secret of a Long Marriage:

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's only marriage seminar.
At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Wel la, I've a-tried to treat-a her nizza, spenda money on her, but besta of all is that I tooka her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!"

The Priest responded "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th Anniversary."

Luigi proudly replied, "I'm agonna go get her."



“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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9/7/09 12:03 P

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good one..........thanks foe sharing........


“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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9/6/09 11:30 P

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A man lost two buttons from his shirt and put them in his pants pocket. But the pocket had a hole, so the buttons fell into his shoe. Unfortunately, the shoe sole also had a hole, so he lost the buttons. As pockets with holes, holes without buttons, and shoe soles with holes are useless, the man ripped the buttonholes out of his shirt and the pocket from his pants and tossed them in the trash along with the soles of his shoes. A police officer who was observing the man asked him for identification. The man gave the officer a document that showed he was an ordained minister of the gospel. When the officer began to escort him to a mental institution, the minister protested violently, asking why he was receiveing such unjust treatment. "Look, we both know it's the best place for you now." the officer replied. "Anyone claiming to be a preacher who doesn't save souls or wear holy clothes has probably lost his buttons."
Candy

I am not alone God is with me in this and all endeavors I take.

I live in Topeka, KS.

My NASCAR driver is Dale Jr., his number is 88.


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9/3/09 10:41 P

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emoticon


“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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9/3/09 10:21 P

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I liked that one Lita, will post some of my own soon. I am tired and talked to my sister today, go to my SPARK PAGE and I did a blog also.
Candy

I am not alone God is with me in this and all endeavors I take.

I live in Topeka, KS.

My NASCAR driver is Dale Jr., his number is 88.


 current weight: 250.0 
 
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9/3/09 9:26 A

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Wicked

Lorraine An attitude of gratitude makes all the difference. According to aerodynamic laws, the bumblebee cannot fly. Its body weight is not the right proportion to its wingspan. Ignoring these laws, the bee flies anyway.


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9/2/09 10:32 P

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AVAILABLE NOW - CLASSES FOR MEN

ALL ARE WELCOME

***OPEN TO MEN ONLY***

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, lunch will be provided as will instructions on how to take lunch from its packaging without a woman to hold it for you.

Topics covered on this course include:

DAY ONE

TOILET ROLLS - DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practising with hamper (pictures and graphics)

DISHES & CUTLERY; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate amongst a panel of experts

REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Helpline and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down whilst shouting - Open forum


DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS/ BOTTLES; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation and anger management

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Role playing and slide show

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class, NOT your secretary

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available
(male counsellors sadly unavailable-none passed training course)




“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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