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MILLERISHEALTHY's Photo MILLERISHEALTHY Posts: 5,949
8/13/13 12:22 A

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Hi Carrie, I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling so much. I do think that getting the meds out and arranged and/or marked would help you remember to take them. I hope your new eye doctor will be able to help your eyes. I also hope your allergy testing results turn out well.

I do hope this week won't be as hard as you think. I hope that you can get your bearings and begin to feel safe, peaceful, and not plagued with so much anxiety.

I wish you all the very, very best and I hope you feel much better real soon.

Hugs and Blessings, emoticon

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"The present is what slips by us while we’re pondering the past and worrying about the future. - Ziggy

"The groundwork of all happiness is health."
Leigh Hunt

"Comparison is the thief of joy."
Theodore Roosevelt


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ALASKANMOMOF2's Photo ALASKANMOMOF2 SparkPoints: (33,361)
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8/12/13 10:30 A

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Adding here 'cause there's nowhere else that feels safe.

I lost track of how many panic attacks I had yesterday. it was bad.

There's a delicate balance between creating healthy space and ...well...I don't know the other thing.

My healing is taking too long. The ability to function is pretty low right now, and while I've attempted to be okay with that and let the process "be", it's created more difficulties for another in the same space. Things need to be "just so." It's creating a monster, internally. Functioning has already been very low. Yesterday, functioning became ocd. ocd amped on exhausted migraine coupled with panic and all meds were at the house during a 2 hour lowes prison. as we got home, the meds were boxed. they've been out where i could see them in the hopes of being able to take them, arrange them, remember them, something.
i will mark them today so i can see what's what in the bottles from the top.
i also get to arrange to meet a new eye doctor to attempt to help my eyes. second new eye doctor this year. also get the allergy testing results. and since i remembered while writing, i'll take my first dose of the morning allergy 'vaccine' to see how i react.

it's gonna be a hard week. i'll do what i can, but am really struggling. feeling like the ladder was yanked up to help me improve my functioning/make a better space for someone else has created the feeling that the motion of the ladder made me fall further into the pit, and the ladder left. it didn't. it's just hiding. i'm really not functioning well, though, and in creating an healthier space for another, there is now another space i do not feel i can be. it's just illusion. i know this. it takes awhile to get through illusions. especially those surrounded and filled with panic and anxiety.

thank you for a safe space to write.



Carrie

Co-Leader of Dealing with Anxiety Team

~~~~~~~~~~
It is not our purpose to become each other; it is to recognize each other, to learn to see the other and honor him for what he is.

Hermann Hesse


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MILLERISHEALTHY's Photo MILLERISHEALTHY Posts: 5,949
7/23/13 10:22 A

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Carrie, I'm very sorry for your loss and for all the difficulties you've experienced over the last few years - you and your family have been through a lot. I lost my father very suddenly 22 years ago - and while time lessens the pain, I still remember how hard it was. I didn't get to say goodbye, so while I truly empathize with your grief, I'm glad that you and your kids were able to.

I really appreciate your sharing the ways that you handled the anxiety. It's good to know that it can get easier with practice. It's really great that things kept happening to help you (such as your friend calling just at the right moment). It sounds like you handled things very, very well and that's so good to hear.

Hugs and Blessings, emoticon

Miller emoticon


"The present is what slips by us while we’re pondering the past and worrying about the future. - Ziggy

"The groundwork of all happiness is health."
Leigh Hunt

"Comparison is the thief of joy."
Theodore Roosevelt


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PATTYKLAVER's Photo PATTYKLAVER Posts: 115,648
7/22/13 12:24 P

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Carrie,
I am so sorry that you've had such an adventure the past two years. My heart goes out to you and your family. I said a prayer for you. Please don't hesitate to vent to us if you need to. That's what we're here for.

Patty

Edited by: PATTYKLAVER at: 7/22/2013 (12:25)
God grant me the serenity to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


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ALASKANMOMOF2's Photo ALASKANMOMOF2 SparkPoints: (33,361)
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7/22/13 3:51 A

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Hi folks. I'm Carrie - Alaskanmomof2.

My family of origin has been in a whirlwind for awhile. Two years ago, on July 8th, my son was out walking with my dad. They'd gotten a couple houses away from my house when my dad fell. Hard. My son, 7 at the time, tried to wake him up and get him up, then ran back to the house. He was unconscious for at least 2.5 minutes, was throwing up once he woke up, had been losing his balance before that...

It was a hard visit. They'd only been here a few days. As he went home, they forgot (somehow!) that he shouldn't be driving, so he took himself to his two appointments, but had an accident in between. He ended up in a rehabilitation hospital/living center. That was in August. He came back to their apartment from mid December to mid January. Hasn't been "home" since. My mom moved to a smaller space and moved his files and books to his living center room.

Fast forwarding past the strokes, cancer med side effects, "nigeria scam" for health care centers...we made a plan to visit. Two tickets were free, and the rental car for 10 days was free due to accumulated points on a credit card plan. We were going to spend 10 days together!

We arrived two weeks ago. July 7th. When we got to his room, it was clear he was in a ton of pain. I encouraged the kids to hug him, and while my son was more hesitant, they both did. He seemed to know we were there, though he also seemed to be talking in Italian or French. We know English and Spanish. :/

We left for supper, being encouraged by the Hospice nurse to come back the next day. We got a call within a few hours that he had passed away. It's still a shock...yet it isn't. We knew. Our visit became our time to say goodbye. It's not lost on me, either, that he died almost two years after the really harsh fall.

The car was the size of a clown car with all our gear. I had wanted a slightly larger one, but my hubby said it was more than we needed. I couldn't find the words to explain that I'd wanted to drive my mom around. Anxiety moments came up several times during the week because of this, because of my mom's obsession with needing things to be "just so", because my daughter is wonderful, yet irritates my mom...

It's been an adventure in breathing - in letting go. In remembering so many of the things we try to work on here.

As I got back, I had set up a therapy appointment for myself. This is an cranial-sacral therapist who looks at all kinds of issues, including spine alignment but also energy issues. There were no stuck emotions, which meant, to me, I'd stayed honest with myself during my time away. That's huge!

I had one particularly hard day when I felt smushed between what my husband wanted and what my mom wanted. While I was trying to find words, my phone rang. A great friend was on the phone, and she'd just felt the urge to call. It was an incredible moment for her to call. Speaking words of frustration and confusion out loud made a difference.

Little things like that kept happening. There were plenty of scattered moments, but overall, it's been a positive learning experience. I just wanted to share to say that working through and "dealing with anxiety", even in really, really hard times, becomes a touch easier with practice. It's not easy, it's not what we may want, but we can utilize these tools to help our lives get easier.

Oh, and yes, I DID call my health care person and have a prescription sent to Colorado while I was there. The script was written wrong, I took what I believed she intended, and was helped by that too. ;) Knowledge is power!

I hope this helps someone. It feels like it helped to write it out in a safe space.

Hugs if you need one. Even a pinkie hug.

Edited by: ALASKANMOMOF2 at: 7/22/2013 (03:53)
Carrie

Co-Leader of Dealing with Anxiety Team

~~~~~~~~~~
It is not our purpose to become each other; it is to recognize each other, to learn to see the other and honor him for what he is.

Hermann Hesse


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