Hi everyone! My name is Jasminka and I am new to this page. I feel that I must share my experience with anxiety and what I've learned from it. I'll try to keep it short.
I have had anxiety my whole life and it's to this age (21) that I've made tremendous changes. I used to have depression and reallly low self-esteem but I was so motivated to change my life that I didn't think it was possible to do it. Now, I don't want to get too personal about my life but I will say that by the age of 18, I turned to therapy and I was in therapy for two years.
I came out understanding that the reason I was so negative on myself was because I believed every single word people were telling me and their words brainwashed me. I didn't have a say to myself and I never knew how to verbally fight back and stand up to myself. I struggled with a lot and change was never easy but to me it was worth it.
It's to this age that I have learned that holding baggage is like adding on stacks of books. The more I stack, the heavier the weight will uphold. My new mentality of leaving what should've been left behind was changing. I was adapting to my new self until I got emotional and was not acting myself at all.
I got emotinal over neglegance and feeling left out by people around me. I never told them what issues I had with them because whatever I would say they would take overreact. Instead, I kept it to myself and was so overwhelmed that I turned to suicidal thoughts. This was second time I was going through this and of course, I would never had thought to commit it. I tried getting myself out of it but I was scared that I would think about it again. I cried nights and days trying to relive the stress but my fear was growing upon me. I thought "You know, I should just do it and get it over with." I thought about drinking something toxic and it scared me that I would think so negatively about myself and losing my own life.
I cried even more and I talked to my best friend. I thank God she was there to listen. The next day, I talked to my therapist and she asked me if it was just a panic attack? After I got off the phone with her, I realized it was an anxiety attack. I felt stupid afterwards but I knew what I had to do. I had to change my ways and learn to release emotional baggage at the point that it's brought upon that way it isn't inside of me. I listed ways to do it including breathing, meditation and visualization while listening to music.
Then, I came across an actual problem that has been bothering me for years. The problem that concerned me was a fear that these thoughts would come back to haunt me and I wouldn't know how to handle it. I remembered reading that these were automatic thoughts meaning that the response to them was quick and without any proof or form of data. Thoughts are referred to facts while emotions are the real answers to anxiety.I thought to myself that maybe thoughts will come up from the past and when they do I will respond to them very well. I already have been doing that and it doesn't mean that I have failed or will relive that same situation. It's just a memory and an automatic thought.
As of today, I feel that the important thing is to look at who am I and how I am coping with things right now. The more I look foward and the more positive I am, I will slowly but surely push away this fear that I've had for years. I know this will take time but I am in no rush. I just need to pay attention to what I want in my life and what changes I'm making.
The one thing my therapist told me was that my life hasn't even started and to take it away at such a young age is shameful. I understand that I was dealing with high stress and felt that I needed to take immediate action. I really only need to relive situations at the moment they appear rather than holding it in. My suicidal thoughts came from high stress. There are others who have it worse than I did and their suicidal thoughts come from depression. I will say one thing, no matter what your life is not worth losing over a situaion. I know it's hard and it's SO frustrating to think positive but even the most negative person is tired of being negative.
I don't know everyone's story with suicidal thoughts but I will say that even though this is hardest to get over. It's also a life lesson to never take any stress more than you can handle. I am over the anxiety attack because I'm focused on my goals and making slight changes in my life. With this being said, stay strong. You are worth it and even when you don't know it, you do have a reason to live.
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