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5/5/11 3:18 A

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Great that you're both feeling good and accomplished Alaskanmomof2 and Chesesentoast.
Claudia

Claudia

Pounds originally lost 29. Maintain weight between 73Kg (161lb) and 75Kg (167lb): ongoing.
My current goal is 75kg (167lb)

Cardio 5 times a week; Pilates once a week.
Mindfulness meditation 6 times a week at least.


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CHEESENTOAST's Photo CHEESENTOAST Posts: 49
5/4/11 4:36 P

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I'm sorry I've been away! What a wonderful message to come back to! I'm so so so glad you made it, fear and all! Way to go! Seriously, I'm a little teary reading this. I'm so proud of you! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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5/3/11 2:22 P

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Well, I walked to the graduation ceremony and started to have a panic attack just walking in the door! I'm really lucky to have had 8 or 9 folks from my classes in my graduating class, and a couple of them know me well. The sarcasm was flying, which was great for me, and while I had to take time between rehearsal and ceremony to go get a prescription for my migraines, I made it THROUGH the ceremony (over 2 and a half hours) without getting too paralyzed. I had my cane with me, my anxiety and migraine meds, a small amount of food, and all I really needed was the food. I could feel my blood sugar dropping at about 2 hours in.

I'm really proud of myself. I'm not letting myself focus too much on the job hunt since my kiddos are out of school in two more weeks. Over the summer, I'll be mom. As the summer ends, I'll try to find a job, probably. We'll see! I'll try not to let the anxiety hold me back, at least.

Thanks again for the support. I appreciate it more than I can explain (and numbers now tend to be calming to me, though they used to bring HUGE anxiety attacks!)

Carrie

Co-Leader of Dealing with Anxiety Team

~~~~~~~~~~
It is not our purpose to become each other; it is to recognize each other, to learn to see the other and honor him for what he is.

Hermann Hesse


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4/30/11 12:10 A

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Bookkeeping makes me anxious so that was the 4. Basically I don't know what I'm doing sometimes and get into awful trouble. Correction my DH created the problem and I had to fix it! I don't like bookkeeping, although I like Maths. Life is too short!
Claudia


Claudia

Pounds originally lost 29. Maintain weight between 73Kg (161lb) and 75Kg (167lb): ongoing.
My current goal is 75kg (167lb)

Cardio 5 times a week; Pilates once a week.
Mindfulness meditation 6 times a week at least.


 current weight: 178.0 
 
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168.25
165
CHEESENTOAST's Photo CHEESENTOAST Posts: 49
4/28/11 6:18 P

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Bookkeeping makes you anxious or calm? Sorry - I don't know what your "usual" anxiety level is. :) I tend to find numbers very soothing, personally!

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4/28/11 5:13 P

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Excellent answer CHESSENTOAST!

Yesterday I was a 2 with a peak of 4, bookkeeping always does it.
Claudia

Claudia

Pounds originally lost 29. Maintain weight between 73Kg (161lb) and 75Kg (167lb): ongoing.
My current goal is 75kg (167lb)

Cardio 5 times a week; Pilates once a week.
Mindfulness meditation 6 times a week at least.


 current weight: 178.0 
 
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CHEESENTOAST's Photo CHEESENTOAST Posts: 49
4/28/11 1:59 P

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I support your right to have no idea how you feel! I often don't. :D

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4/28/11 12:55 P

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I posted a blog yesterday about the anxiety attack I had yesterday before the final.I'm certainly unsure how to feel today, as it is the last day of my Teaching Assistant position, but I know I'll make it through. I'm not sad, just...I don't know. Too many issues are coming up at home for me to feel I can be "joyful", yet I'm relieved I'm finally done! Thank you for the support, folks! emoticon

Carrie

Co-Leader of Dealing with Anxiety Team

~~~~~~~~~~
It is not our purpose to become each other; it is to recognize each other, to learn to see the other and honor him for what he is.

Hermann Hesse


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4/26/11 11:50 P

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Well done ALASKANMOMOF2 and who know maybe you will graduate. Good idea to start thinking about getting in to healthy habits again, it will give you peace of mind.
Claudia

Claudia

Pounds originally lost 29. Maintain weight between 73Kg (161lb) and 75Kg (167lb): ongoing.
My current goal is 75kg (167lb)

Cardio 5 times a week; Pilates once a week.
Mindfulness meditation 6 times a week at least.


 current weight: 178.0 
 
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CHEESENTOAST's Photo CHEESENTOAST Posts: 49
4/26/11 11:02 A

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Go you! I'm sorry your professor lost your previous paper. Sounds like he has a lot on his plate right now, too. (Hrm... is that a good euphemism to use on SparkPeople? "A full plate"? Hee.) You're right - however it turns out and if graduation happens this time or at a later time you did what you could and you tried. And it sounds to me like you'll keep trying! That's the important part!

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4/26/11 5:14 A

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Thank you Cheesentoast!

As an update: I did turn in the paper on Friday. Today the professor asked me to turn in, again, the four papers I turned in for my incomplete back in December. I'm grateful I knew where they were! I've been reminding him about them since February, so I'm a touch annoyed, but understand too. Some days we face what's directly in front of us. I know I do!

I still fear that graduation isn't going to happen, but I have done what I can do. The next part of the paralysis fight, this week, is restart the 28 day bootcamp and get myself in healthier habits. It's really important, and I can't stay paralyzed on this anymore! I'll write more on that as I can.

Carrie

Co-Leader of Dealing with Anxiety Team

~~~~~~~~~~
It is not our purpose to become each other; it is to recognize each other, to learn to see the other and honor him for what he is.

Hermann Hesse


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4/22/11 9:07 P

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Great story CHEESENTOAST! Feel the fear and do it anyway in a nutshell!
Claudia

Claudia

Pounds originally lost 29. Maintain weight between 73Kg (161lb) and 75Kg (167lb): ongoing.
My current goal is 75kg (167lb)

Cardio 5 times a week; Pilates once a week.
Mindfulness meditation 6 times a week at least.


 current weight: 178.0 
 
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CHEESENTOAST's Photo CHEESENTOAST Posts: 49
4/22/11 6:43 P

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Hey, Alaskan Mom,

I hope you got that paper done! I know exactly what you feel like. I have the worst time finishing projects. Sorry - let me restate that as my therapist would advise me, I USED TO have the worst time finishing projects (and sometimes still do).

Paralysis is exactly the word I've used. So afraid of criticism, the next thing, making myself visible and noticeable, succeeding, failing, letting anyone know that I was even trying and then what if I do? What if I don't?

I just want to let you know - At the age of 33 after my ex-husband walked out the door - I sold everything I owned, moved to California and got my degree. All while STILL feeling paralyzed by fear. But I won. One teeth clenched step at a time. You can do this!

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4/19/11 4:49 P

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I'm feeling guilty for stealing this thread, yet the emotional paralysis is still very real and really keeping me stuck on this stupid paper. I've done more research, I have more ideas and yet I still only really have one page done. It looks like a six page paper with the title page, references and such, but it isn't.

I'm afraid of graduating. I'm afraid of NOT graduating. The same prof who will grade the paper I finish today or tomorrow still has not graded my incomplete from last semester. Why did I have the incomplete? Same anxiety issue! I was able to push through it then, or at least I thought I did. With the added health issues and what feels like overwhelming uncertainty of a future, it's just hard today.

My eyes just caught the Huddle wall stream. I never thought I'd like the SP change to that, but wow. I'm very grateful to each of you who took time to post. For those who read this post later, I saw "Do something special for yourself" and "Keep Positive Thoughts" among other common ones such as "Let's Go Team" "Make it Happen" "Good morning Team". I'm grateful I could come here for encouraging words and to start writing/crying more of this out.

I will do what I can do, and will try to remember that no one (besides me and the prof!) will see my grade. Putting "perfection" aside is next to impossible, though. I want the perfect paper with perfect implementable ideas AND I expect myself to go through this particular program later! Hmmm. Maybe just a couple issues with that. ;)

Thanks for reading. I may be back to type more later.

Carrie

Co-Leader of Dealing with Anxiety Team

~~~~~~~~~~
It is not our purpose to become each other; it is to recognize each other, to learn to see the other and honor him for what he is.

Hermann Hesse


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4/17/11 12:58 A

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Yes ALASKANMOMOF2 I was volunteering for a study on GAD in a local Uni until last Monday and feel a bit orphaned now, but I have my folder with all the strategies to put into place. I had done CBT before but this one was better, more academic and less self-help book. Have been journaling the anxiety every day and it's greatly helping!

There are always hidden things behind anxiety states so I'm not surprised, I'm sure you'll remain highly functional through this, that helps a lot. Also great that DH understood a bit better, it;s so hard for people without anxiety to understand it.
I haven't had time to read your blog yet.
Claudia

Claudia

Pounds originally lost 29. Maintain weight between 73Kg (161lb) and 75Kg (167lb): ongoing.
My current goal is 75kg (167lb)

Cardio 5 times a week; Pilates once a week.
Mindfulness meditation 6 times a week at least.


 current weight: 178.0 
 
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ALASKANMOMOF2's Photo ALASKANMOMOF2 SparkPoints: (35,746)
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4/17/11 12:13 A

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Breathing. That's important to remember! Thank you, Claudia!

The anxiety group ended yesterday, so on top of the anxiety of school ending, now the "safety net" of that group is gone. I'm very grateful to have this space even more now.

I'm getting a handle on all the little reasons I'm paralyzed into inaction on this paper, and I've been glad to be functional enough that it isn't the literal physical paralysis yet. Sometimes it is, especially when stress is high. For today, I'll keep stepping...even if it seems to be in place.

Thank you for reading!

Carrie

Co-Leader of Dealing with Anxiety Team

~~~~~~~~~~
It is not our purpose to become each other; it is to recognize each other, to learn to see the other and honor him for what he is.

Hermann Hesse


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4/14/11 7:06 P

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AH yes ALASKANMOMOF2, you described it perfectly. Remember to do breathing, sometimes it takes 1/2 hour of breathing to feel better but it's worth it. And think what's the worst thing that can happen, not pass? I don't think so. Not a high distinction, well it's not so serious if you consider the big picture. You're nearly there.
Claudia.


Claudia

Pounds originally lost 29. Maintain weight between 73Kg (161lb) and 75Kg (167lb): ongoing.
My current goal is 75kg (167lb)

Cardio 5 times a week; Pilates once a week.
Mindfulness meditation 6 times a week at least.


 current weight: 178.0 
 
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168.25
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4/13/11 11:06 A

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Although it was a few days back, I was really grateful to see this near the top of the posting list. I experience this kind of mental paralysis often, and have had 3 really rough days of it. Unfortunately, I've worn my body down enough that at times it's a physical paralysis too. This time last year, I was just starting hormone treatments that got my body working in the functioning direction.

I'm less than 3 weeks from graduation, and yet the paper I'm trying to finish has me frantic. I need to talk to the professor today, and as he knows my anxiety issues, I know I might have some extra time, but I want to have it done NOW! I'm so afraid for no reason. Anxiety isn't logical, though, is it? I've had the same amount of time as everyone else and now the perfectionism is turning into fearful procrastination. Meds are turning the train of thought on either, though.

I'm grateful for a place to post. I have an anxiety group on Friday, but that's days away!
Today, I'll take the information and the paper with me and do what I can do. Thanks for reading.

Carrie

Co-Leader of Dealing with Anxiety Team

~~~~~~~~~~
It is not our purpose to become each other; it is to recognize each other, to learn to see the other and honor him for what he is.

Hermann Hesse


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4/8/11 9:43 P

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Try to mentally change the subject when you get anxious thoughts at night. Push the negatives away and think of something else. Breathing also helps, sometimes I have to do 1/2 hour of breathing to calm down but it works.
Claudia

Claudia

Pounds originally lost 29. Maintain weight between 73Kg (161lb) and 75Kg (167lb): ongoing.
My current goal is 75kg (167lb)

Cardio 5 times a week; Pilates once a week.
Mindfulness meditation 6 times a week at least.


 current weight: 178.0 
 
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SPARKLIFE4's Photo SPARKLIFE4 Posts: 145
4/8/11 2:38 P

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Thank you for that suggestion, Claudia! I think I'll give it a go. When I make lists they are long and too general. I'll literally list every last thing I can think of that I need to get done (since they all seem equally important) and then look at this mega list and feel down when I only get a few things marked off each day. A more detailed list should help with my anxiety and so that I can see just how much went into each project.

I think I'm going to try to do more meditation and perhaps see a doc about getting some meds. I went to sleep thinking about the things I have to do today (that I've yet to do) that are especially anxiety inducing. I ended up having loads of different dreams last night about things I feel self-conscious about and which produce anxiety for me. So, I awoke feeling realllllly anxious, heart racing, the whole nine. It would be nice to have something to help with the days (like today) where it feels outside of my control. I've been working to bring myself back to center and to push up against the anxiety but this day really started off poorly and I'm having trouble getting back on track.

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4/7/11 7:16 P

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Hi Jos Might sound like nothing to do with it, but last year I made an excel sheet with a plan to clean my kitchen cupboards and windows one thing each day:a drawer, a shelf, one outside of window etc. These were things that were torturing me and I prefer to spend my money in more interesting things. It took me nearly 3 months or a bit less and it was done. The tick in each cell every day gave me strength. Most times we feel overwhelmed because we look at the whole, and if you itemise it becomes "doable".
Claudia

Claudia

Pounds originally lost 29. Maintain weight between 73Kg (161lb) and 75Kg (167lb): ongoing.
My current goal is 75kg (167lb)

Cardio 5 times a week; Pilates once a week.
Mindfulness meditation 6 times a week at least.


 current weight: 178.0 
 
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171.5
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165
SPARKLIFE4's Photo SPARKLIFE4 Posts: 145
4/5/11 9:15 P

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Going after number one on the list and hope to have resolution by the end of the day, tomorrow. And then I'll tackle number 2. I, often, heap too much on my plate at once and worry about everything. The reminder of baby steps is needed and I thank you! I'm working, hard, to remind myself that things likely aren't as bad as I imagine them to be. Thinking I should meditate before I work on this project anymore tonight. Deep breathing will surely help.

Thank you, so much, Claudia!

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4/4/11 9:09 P

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Hi Jos sorry to hear that you're feeling overwhelmed, it;s awful I know. I can assure you that if you tackle one of your high priority tasks, it will make you feel better. What you imagine will happen when you do, is always worse than reality.
Anything can be solved, better tackle it earlier rather than later, so it doesn't become a giant task. Do 1/2 hour today, another tomorrow. You can stop doing it at any point in time.Baby steps.

Claudia

Claudia

Pounds originally lost 29. Maintain weight between 73Kg (161lb) and 75Kg (167lb): ongoing.
My current goal is 75kg (167lb)

Cardio 5 times a week; Pilates once a week.
Mindfulness meditation 6 times a week at least.


 current weight: 178.0 
 
178
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171.5
168.25
165
SPARKLIFE4's Photo SPARKLIFE4 Posts: 145
4/3/11 6:10 P

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I like the way you put it, paralyzing. I didn't realize, until I read this post that I, too, am paralyzed by anxiety and fear. Yesterday and today (it's now 6pm) I planned to hit my boxes of paperwork to find my tax information and I've been so freaked out about it that I keep procrastinating. It's almost like I can not make myself open the boxes that have been sitting next to me for two days. Instead, I've been reading and contributing to posts on sparkpeople and generally hiding on the internet looking for news and such so I feel like I've done something (educate myself of current events) whilst I'm avoiding doing the thing I really need to do. I have a super list of stuff that needs attention so taxes aren't the only thing I'm avoiding, it's just the thing at the top of the list. I think of the taxes, I think of the other stuff on the list and then I find a different blog post to read or news briefing and distract myself until the day is next to over.

It's frustrating because I realize I'm wasting precious time but somehow, I can not force myself to do what must be done or to stop freaking out about these things so they seem less daunting. It's a challenge I must take on and conquer before I spend more days paralyzed by anxiety and avoidance.

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XSUGARGIRL's Photo XSUGARGIRL Posts: 265
12/29/10 9:41 A

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Seven, that's good to hear. all my workout plans are on hold until my BF goes back to work. he's on a short vacation. i'm basically just doing whatever he does because i just don't know what else to do. the only reason i've pulled out my laptop is because i got up and he was playing on the Xbox.
i'm just trying really hard to make sure i don't do or say anything to ruin his vacation because he goes to work everyday, even when he is sick, so that he can save up his paid time off days for times like this, when he can just take a whole week off for the holiday or his birthday in the summer. at least i assume that is why he is so stubborn about calling in when he is sick. i have to make a lot of assumptions when it comes to my BF, he is the poster boy for apathy and therefore sucks at communication.
i hope you continue to get better.

~every way to smile forget~


~well behaved women rarely make history~


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12/28/10 12:37 P

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Just to let everyone know I'm doing better. I feel like I have good energy this morning and even got up and worked out early. I'm training to complete some 5k's this summer. It felt really overwhelming before but I did good this morning. I'm kinda high-fiving myself ;-P lol.



**Peace & Love :D HOOAH!**


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12/24/10 11:11 P

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I am proud of you both for all the work you are doing to cope with your issues. I have a lot of problems with meds and reactions so I know how hard it is not to be able to know whats best sometimes. I have many of my apartment neighbors with brain issues so I give you my love and support. Hugs to you both and keep us informed.

Nola

Kansas~ CST
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12/21/10 2:05 P

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Some days life goes on without me being there. And I've had hard times in life, and had that, "well someday when things are better..."

But everything did get better, but I didn't. And that started a sort of terrible realization I suppose.

I just go to my medical doctor. I went in because I had so many health issues. They were all caused by my brain oddly enough. I had no real idea that the brain could cause such a wide variety and such severe symptoms. Particularly with my digestion.

I have severe anxiety, bipolar disorder and temporal lobe epilepsy. Nice cocktail, thank you genetics.

In my family it is deeply shameful to be "mentally ill" and they don't see it as 'brain screwed up' -- but personal deep flaw, but I found out that a lot of people on my Dad's side, 50% or so are bipolar.

On my Mom's side they have paralyzing anxiety. Out of 4 kids only 1 held a job for any amount of time. My Grandma, Mom, Aunt were Agoraphobic and wallah, now I am too. *grinds teeth* BUT -- no one would ever go get any sort of help. It was the family dark secret. My Mom before she died was put on meds for the first time in her life and Woe. What a difference.

When I was a kid, everyone always moved back in, and depended on Grandpa and Grandma - two room house and these adults kept moving back in. I was terrified of not being able to live on my own or becoming homeless. As a kid I probably lived with my grandparents at least three times with my Mom, my aunt lived there at least three times, uncle a few times....Someone was ALWAYS living there. Sometimes my aunt wanted to live there but couldn't because of my Mom and a fight would ensue. These were grown people making up reasons why it was normal. Wow, it seems so absolutely weird now. I loved their lines, "I never depended on anyone for anything." (??!!!!)

The only thing I wanted to be as an adult was different from the people I grew up with. .

What totally irks me, is that I finally was confronted by my doctor point blank - actually two doctors and told that I need brain meds - pronto. I get meds and then society is like, "yadda, yadda, everyone deals with their issues with big pharma these days instead of actually working through anything or dealing with life." I'm incredibly fearful and paranoid of doctors and worse of meds. I kept calling the doctor, "I think I'm having a reaction...should I stop these?" NO. I went in three times to double check with her.

Oi' I never stopped to think about anything like this before so I would take a guess that the meds are working but I probably need them upped.

**Peace & Love :D HOOAH!**


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XSUGARGIRL's Photo XSUGARGIRL Posts: 265
12/21/10 10:35 A

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wow.
i can completely relate to what you are going through. i never thought of it as feeling paralyzed but that is exactly what it does feel like.
i wish that i could get some of my workout in each day but i have a daughter and i of course put her first so she is the one reason i do my best to hide my crazy.
it does get really bad sometimes. so bad that i will sit at the computer for so long and be too anxious to even get up and get my second cup of coffee. i have anxiety medication but i often feel so paralyzed as you put it, and so overwhelmed that i just sit and suffer for hours before i finally get up and go take it.
i wish i had some kind of advice for you. the only thing we can do i suppose is talk to our Dr. about this, which i plan to do once i actually have one again.
at least you are getting up and doing at least one thing each day.
take care of you.

~every way to smile forget~


~well behaved women rarely make history~


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12/20/10 8:20 P

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Have you talked to your therapist or Dr. concerning these times? I have not had episodes as bad as this and don't want to give any advice that would be counter productive. I think you are right with the goal of one thing a day and trying to work your way through. When I become overwhelmed I just want to seek out my safe place and be alone. Try to keep us informed and contact your support system about the medical issues, Please!

Nola

Kansas~ CST
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12/20/10 8:10 P

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Every so often, well maybe a lot -- I just can't hardly move. I mean to, I have things to do, plans, and then the whole day is gone by and I haven't really done anything. I just get kinda paralyzed, overwhelmed and freaked out. I've ended up hiding in my room today. I did some pilates and forced my way through that but it's just been me and the cat.

I was supposed to make cookies today. I wanted to. I'm so mad at myself right now. So much I wanted to get done and it was all going to be fun and I just didn't make it out of the gate. It happens a lot and kinda scares me really. I do repetitive tasks that I can't seem to break out of, like being online or writing profusely.

I'm really nervous with family coming in for two weeks. Xmas is my very worst time of year. Even when I was two years old I would freak out endlessly the closer to Christmas. I am so scared I'm going to lose it and just start climbing the walls. It is probably much more worse of a storm inside of my head then in real life. In my head it's like being in the middle of a loud hurricane with a million voices all talking at once and I can't make it stop, like hallucinating almost and I can't get away from it and then I just start freaking out after about 24-48 hours of that. I'm so worried. Since I've gotten worse these attacks have been happening about every three weeks. I've had the paralysis for some time too but I always made excuses.

I kinda think I'm in real trouble here. *sigh* Still working out though - just, you know, if I can just do one positive thing per day to dig myself out of the sand pit. But dang, I wish there was a cure, a pill, a meditation or something that would stop this.

**Peace & Love :D HOOAH!**


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