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HONEYLEA's Photo HONEYLEA SparkPoints: (71,376)
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6/16/07 11:20 A

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Bravo! Thanks for the laugh this morning!

“Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going.”

"What if there were two paths. I'd be in the one that leads to awesome." ~ Kid President

Laura
Camp FSC's Counselor Honeylea at your service!

Co-Teamleader
100+ First Steps Club!
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Diva with a 'tude!


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JENNIEJ2's Photo JENNIEJ2 Posts: 129
6/16/07 9:42 A

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I can agree with everything you wrote - I'm from Tennessee.
another one to add to your list:
Only a true Southerner knows the differnce between a hissy fit and a coniption. And only a true southerner knows that you pitch a fit you don't have a fit. emoticon

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MYPINUPWITHIN's Photo MYPINUPWITHIN Posts: 6,512
6/16/07 9:15 A

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Okay, y'all are gonna think I'm psycho (if you don't already), but I'm from SC. I'm responding to Angie's joke. :) On the first list, I've actually said numbers 3, 11, & 12 at some point in time - recently, actually. We save our old grease. We stay home (everything closes - milk & break sell out, seriously) if we get 1/4 inch of snow. Rednecks really do tow people out - especially on the snow days that people can't drive in when they leave their house to go buy the last gallon of milk at Bi-Lo. Y'all is an absolute staple...it's like aloha. I hear (say?) Big 'ole and fixin to at least a few times a week. I speed, so that one doesn't apply (and I learned to drive in a car - so what it was in a pasture - SERIOUSLY). Hey y'all watch this is a requirement when people are drunk. It's gonna happen. Where's my turn signal? One of our really popular local restaurants just started offering fried asparagus as an appetizer. We try to wear our leather coats in 60 degree temps during October. Oh look! It mentioned the grocery stores selling out!! HAHAHA! But it does matter. Milk and bread. Don't know why, but always milk and bread. My husband thinks that shootings deemed necessary (stupidity, bad driving, etc.) should be made legal. WOW! How funny that it's supposed to be funny, but is DEAD ON!!!

Can anyone play dueling banjos? My brother's not drunk enough yet....

emoticon

(¯`v´¯)
..`*.¸*´..
~Deanna
Fat Wives Club (FWC) Team Leader
http://teams.sparkpeople.com/FWC

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances; if there is any reaction, both are transformed. ~Carl Jung

www.flickr.com/deannamurrell

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ANGIEBNC68's Photo ANGIEBNC68 SparkPoints: (0)
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6/16/07 9:04 A

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I hope ya'll enjoy this. I know my Southern cousins will and most likely anyone who has ever visited the South or has a Southern cousin.

Angie

SOUTH SPEAK

1. "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

2. "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."

3. "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."

4. "Have a cup of coffee, it's already been saucered and blowed.'"

5. "She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm."

6. "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."

7. "My cow died last night so I don't need your bull."

8. "Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining."

9. "He's as country as a cornflake."

10. "This is gooder'n grits."

11. "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."

12. "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."

NOTICE TO NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH:

The following is a pre-approved posting whose purpose is to offer insight and advice to Northerners moving South.

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly.

2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Stay home both days of the year it snows.

3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly; don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

4. You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees, rocks and relatives, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

5. Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive.

6. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

7. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you, either.

8. The first Southern statement to creep into a
transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective
"big ol," as in "big ol truck," or "big ol boy." 2nd is "Fixin'" as in "I'm fixin' to go to the store" And 3rd "Y'all".

9. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a
55mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.

10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all,
watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear.

11. Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they
ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal
blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you
may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased.

12. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't
worth cooking, let alone eating.

13. The wardrobe you always brought out in September
can wait until December.

14. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you're supposed to do.

15. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South.
When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in
front of the trailer. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer, and should, therefore, be prominently displayed.

16. Be advised that in the South, "He needed killin'"
is a valid defense.


Edited by: ANGIEBNC68 at: 6/16/2007 (09:05)
Angie
NC
Purple

Only I made me fat, and only I can make me unfat.

Finally Free of the Cable Man!!! www.hulu.com/


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MRSBIGGLESWORTH's Photo MRSBIGGLESWORTH SparkPoints: (138,271)
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6/16/07 1:29 A

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GONNA BE A BEAR...

In this life I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping, and wake up to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definately deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup, I'm gonna be a bear!!
emoticon

~Brenda~ aka "Miss Kitty" =^..^=
Starting Weight: 272

"EAT well.
MOVE daily.
HYDRATE often.
SLEEP lots.
LOVE your body.
REPEAT for life!"
~Spark People

"To do is to be." - ~Descartes
"To be is to do." - ~Voltaire
"Do be do be do." - ~Frank Sinatra

"All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them."
~Walt Disney

"Do or do not - there is no try"
~Yoda


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MYPINUPWITHIN's Photo MYPINUPWITHIN Posts: 6,512
6/15/07 1:52 P

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Poor Jim! He was only trying to help! LOL!! THAT was a good one!

(¯`v´¯)
..`*.¸*´..
~Deanna
Fat Wives Club (FWC) Team Leader
http://teams.sparkpeople.com/FWC

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances; if there is any reaction, both are transformed. ~Carl Jung

www.flickr.com/deannamurrell

MY TICKER REFLECTS MY CURRENT GOAL!!


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DEBKAYENM's Photo DEBKAYENM Posts: 2,214
6/15/07 12:57 P

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A little long, but hilarious!!

INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.

When you notice this, try not to yell at them.
Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Peggy. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.

Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, & I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I
also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt
her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade,and just cool it for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed, Jim

EDITOR'S NOTE: Jim died suddenly on May 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his 'Exhaust Port', with barely 5 inches of grip showing.

His wife Peggy was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club

Deb :)

Feeling healthy and feeling good about yourself is not a luxury - it's an absolute necessity.


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PAIGELEANNE's Photo PAIGELEANNE Posts: 3,526
6/14/07 10:58 P

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You Guys are tooo fummy!!!!!!! I love it :)

Getting healthy so that I can love my boys for a long time :)




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MRSBIGGLESWORTH's Photo MRSBIGGLESWORTH SparkPoints: (138,271)
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6/14/07 10:32 P

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A WOMAN IN HER FIFTIES

A woman in her fifties is at home happily jumping unclothed on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year old."

The husband replies, What did he say about your 55 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.


~Brenda~ aka "Miss Kitty" =^..^=
Starting Weight: 272

"EAT well.
MOVE daily.
HYDRATE often.
SLEEP lots.
LOVE your body.
REPEAT for life!"
~Spark People

"To do is to be." - ~Descartes
"To be is to do." - ~Voltaire
"Do be do be do." - ~Frank Sinatra

"All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them."
~Walt Disney

"Do or do not - there is no try"
~Yoda


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HONEYLEA's Photo HONEYLEA SparkPoints: (71,376)
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6/14/07 10:19 P

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NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN:

D A M M I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up
to 8 hours.

St. M O M'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by
rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six
hours.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Highly effective suppository that eliminates
melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they
were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they
moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups,
swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases
intelligence, and improves flirting skills.

D U M E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low
I.Q. causing enjoyment of Country Western music.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling
road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent antibiotic for women. Increases resistance to
such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person
.... can we get naked now?"

B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping.
Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength BUY-ONE-ALL
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an
indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may
even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by
Dr. Laura.

J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember
your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on
anyone too eager to share their life stories with
total strangers.

S E X C E D R I N
More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not
now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.

R A G A M E T
When administered to a husband or boyfriend, provides
the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend,
saving the woman the time and trouble of doing it herself.


“Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going.”

"What if there were two paths. I'd be in the one that leads to awesome." ~ Kid President

Laura
Camp FSC's Counselor Honeylea at your service!

Co-Teamleader
100+ First Steps Club!
A Wicked Sister
Diva with a 'tude!


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MRSBIGGLESWORTH's Photo MRSBIGGLESWORTH SparkPoints: (138,271)
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6/14/07 5:23 P

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Women's and Men's Prayer



Female Prayer:

Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep.

One who's handsome, smart, and strong. One who loves to listen long.

One who thinks before he speaks. One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed.

When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door.

Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh, send me a man who'll make love to my mind.

Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me to no end, and always be my very best friend.

Amen.



Male Prayer:

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.

This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a s**t.

Amen.

emoticon

~Brenda~ aka "Miss Kitty" =^..^=
Starting Weight: 272

"EAT well.
MOVE daily.
HYDRATE often.
SLEEP lots.
LOVE your body.
REPEAT for life!"
~Spark People

"To do is to be." - ~Descartes
"To be is to do." - ~Voltaire
"Do be do be do." - ~Frank Sinatra

"All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them."
~Walt Disney

"Do or do not - there is no try"
~Yoda


 current weight: 246.0 
 
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HONEYLEA's Photo HONEYLEA SparkPoints: (71,376)
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Posts: 18,522
6/14/07 10:06 A

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SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . going all the way.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . going all the way.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

“Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going.”

"What if there were two paths. I'd be in the one that leads to awesome." ~ Kid President

Laura
Camp FSC's Counselor Honeylea at your service!

Co-Teamleader
100+ First Steps Club!
A Wicked Sister
Diva with a 'tude!


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