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SAMESTUFFDIFDAY Posts: 711
4/10/13 8:55 A

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Good morning room, again been a while since I been in here.. so much going on. Back to exercising again, as the weather has warmed up a little bit I been spending more time outside and walking again. It feels so good to be moving again.

I also starting eating ( or drinking ) chia seeds. They really do make you feel fuller, and for me.. most of the day. Now I am trying to break the cycle of eating when I am bored. Getting out and walking has really helped but still the time in the evening around 7 - 9 is hard. But have been trying to fill that time with an apple cut up with a tablespoon of peanut butter on it or peanut butter with celery sticks. I really wish losing weight was easier.. but its not. Gaining sure is though.

Been fighting boredom and loneliness. I miss having someone in my life but I don't.. if that makes any sense??

Some good news from me for a change.... my boy got into Vocational School, and is taking computer tech and support.. he is really excited. He also goes this Saturday to take his permit test.. One day soon my little baby bird is going to fly the coop, then I really will be alone... oh my..... sigh.

I will try to get back in here this evening after work.. I just finished logging most of my exercise.. and hope to keep adding more and more..

Hope everyone has been having some good days, and you all have continued to be remembered in my prayers..

Will try to read some of the posts when I get home also.

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SLIMMERKIWI's Photo SLIMMERKIWI SparkPoints: (122,844)
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3/27/13 9:23 P

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This thread has become overloaded with posts so to make it easier for those who have dial-up, please go to our new thread by clicking on the link below. www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/team_mes
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Kris

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SLIMMERKIWI's Photo SLIMMERKIWI SparkPoints: (122,844)
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3/27/13 9:18 P

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MISSCUS - I totally agree with Miller - on both counts. Hopefully you might be able to talk him into seeing a Dr to see if there is something medical going on. If there isn't then it would be helpful if he would agree to some therapy - perhaps relationship counseling? Other than that, you really need to look out for your safety - and emotional safety is just as important as physical safety!

Miller - it is Autumn now, and the temp. has dropped a bit. One night a week ago I even went to bed with a couple wheat packs. The last 2-3 days I have put on a long sleeved T and also long cotton trou. We are still in drought, only having had a tiny bit of rain. There is some expected over this Easter Weekend but I am not holding my breath that there will be much. The whole area is still in a very high fire risk.

To everyone else - I haven't forgotten about you ........ I promise !!! I am just finding it a bit difficult to focus on very much. I rad the posts, but the memory box is even less than it used to be!

Kris xxx

Kris xx

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KMBJBB's Photo KMBJBB Posts: 1,140
3/27/13 9:06 P

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Thanks Llama - I usually try to deal with flipping back and forth from Word to the web and doing a copy & paste, but I never remember it.

Kristina

"Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read." - Mark Twain


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MILLERISHEALTHY's Photo MILLERISHEALTHY Posts: 5,960
3/27/13 8:56 P

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MISSCUS, I agree with you. That's not a good way to live. I wonder what happened a year or so ago to make him start raging so much more often? I'm assuming he hasn't always been this bad, as you said he is very angry, verbal and rages at you off and on for MAINLY this past year. You said you've been on medical disability for the past 4 years and your relationship with your husband has been deteriorating for about 2 or 3 years now. I'm just wondering what happened to make him get worse? Does he by any chance suffer from depression? Or does he have heart disease or any kind of medical problems?

My husband used to be a very passive man and he still doesn't like conflict. BUT - before he had his heart attack he was as mean as a snake. I KNEW he was headed for a heart attack because my father had exhibited the same behavior. My husband's temper became as quick as lightening. Also, he was once put on a certain high blood pressure medicine and he was starting to act physically threatening. I went to the doctor with him and told the doctor what was happening and it turned out that it was the high blood pressure medicine making him so angry. The doctor put him on another one that didn't have that side effect.

I realize that your husband might just be the kind of man who rages. My father was like that. I've said many times that my childhood would have been so much different if my father had just had some medication and therapy. It sounds like your husband needs therapy and medication. What he is doing to you is terribly abusive. You should not have to live this way.

You said he told you he doesn't want you to move out. I think you should use that leverage and tell him that you won't move out ONLY IF he is willing to get an appointment with the doctor and a therapist for help with his anger issues. I really, really think you need to use any influence you have with him to make him get help. A person who is suffering with PTSD, depression, and bipolar such as yourself does not need to have to live this way.

If you can't make him see reason, then maybe you have a relative you could move in with. If he sees that you're serious about him needing and getting help, maybe he'll actually get help. Maybe he has a relative that can talk to him and make him treat you right. Or maybe your doctor could give you some recommendations for what to do.

It just sounds like a super-toxic environment and I'm afraid your mental health is going to continue to suffer if he doesn't take steps to change.

I'm really sorry you're having to go through this and I hope you find a way to make him get help, or a safe place for you to live even on a fixed income. In my area, there are little apartments that some ladies from church live in and they're rent controlled. Maybe your local housing authority could put you on a list for an apartment you could afford.

These area just ideas, of course. You have to do what you think is right for you.

God bless you,

Miller emoticon emoticon

"The present is what slips by us while we’re pondering the past and worrying about the future. - Ziggy

"The groundwork of all happiness is health."
Leigh Hunt

"Comparison is the thief of joy."
Theodore Roosevelt


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LLAMAINGALOSHES's Photo LLAMAINGALOSHES Posts: 1,030
3/27/13 8:50 P

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Kristina, Control+T should give you a new tab! :) Or Command+T if you're using a Mac. :) Keyboard shortcuts are awesome.

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KMBJBB's Photo KMBJBB Posts: 1,140
3/27/13 8:44 P

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Hello all -

I, for the life of me, really need to learn to open another window, so that I can flip back and forth to answer individual posts.

We got the cats and I do have to say, Socks does not smell good at all. He smells like he's been laying in his urine, but I know this friend would never do that. I will be checking the carrier to see if he peed in it at all. So far, Socks has been the most adventurous. We found out, he is the youngest at just 1 year old or maybe 15 months. He has been in and out of the carrier in our living room and is currently under the sofa. He is not sure about about Deacon. Oreo came out of the carrier and went straight under my bed. He has since come out , but will not leave my room. Sammy has met with both cats, and other than being a little skittish, they are getting along well. Deacon and Oreo had a showdown. Oreo was on my bed with hubby and Deacon went up close and Oreo hissed and spit. Deacon tried to jump onto the bed, but Oreo would not have him there. This may become a problem if it doesn't clear up as Deacon sleeps with me due to his training as a service dog. Buddy has not met them at all. He has seen them and was more curious with the carriers than the cats. I think he will be fine.

I am thinking I have bit off more than I can chew with this, but we shall see. My friend did say that Oreo was used to dogs and Socks was just beginning to get used to a dog. I don't think my friend's dog was an "in your face" dog like Deacon.

I have not seen this friend since we graduated in 1981. She is just as beautiful and as sweet as she was. My family had moved between my 10th and 11th grade years in high school. Not an easy time for me. She was one of the few friends I made that really welcomed me and made me feel like I belonged. It was very hard for an overweight teen who also had a severe hearing loss that was "all of a sudden" the new kid in school.

Kristina

"Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read." - Mark Twain


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3/27/13 7:49 P

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Hello SBHTrack, I've been seeing a therapist for a while now and she introduced me to mindfulness. I love it, and it helps me. But things are different for different people, so it may not be your cup of tea. Have you heard of it? I can't find the papers right now, but there are different methods. One I like is ten or five things (can't remember). When you feel that stress start to choke you take a deep breath. Focus on five things that are touching/in contact with your skin. Then focus on five different things in sight. They can be anything. Then focus on five different sounds. I'll look for the papers and if you're interested send an email. Best of luck!

"You learn to speak by speaking, to study by studying, to run by running, to work by working; in just the same way, you learn to love by loving."

– St. Francis de Sales

"Never let life's hardships disturb you…no one can avoid problems, not even saints or sages."
– Nichiren Daishonin

"When you have a great and difficult task, something perhaps almost impossible, if you only work a little at a time, every day a little, suddenly the work will finish itself."
– Isa


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MISSCUS's Photo MISSCUS Posts: 3,911
3/27/13 7:49 P

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Hi ALL,
I have been reading all the posts for a LONG time, but I rarely post comments as I am so heavily burdened and just don't know where to begin. I have been dealing with DH who is in a rage, has been for over a year now. Last night he was in a rage and ranting, and took his blanket and pillows to go sleep in the guest room. Our relationship has been deteriorating for about 2 or 3 years now. He is very angry, and verbal, and rages at me off and on mainly during this past year. I have been on medical disability for PTSD and DEPRESSION and BIPOLAR and on fixed income for the past 4 years. I really need to get myself out of this situation with DH, but I cannot afford to move out. The past two weekends have been really hell, there is no dealing with him, I am always kind to him, and pretty much I stay in my RN shoes, I try very hard to diffuse the situations so it doesn't escalate like it did last night.

Today, I am a basket case, easily break into tears, sleep is all messed up, I have a headache, stomach upset, nervous, anxiety, and am feeling very depressed. I have no energy and I am upset all hours of the day and night. I am trying very hard to hold onto my sanity. And I am not doing a very good job of it. DH will be home in 20 min, and I am barely staying on the edge of my seat with fright and anxiety of his probable raging and ranting at me again tonight. His last words to me this morning was, he didn't want me to move out, he wanted me to go to the gym today so I can get healthier, and to have a nice day.

I could only say thank you. I have NO energy today to do the gym, cook food, or anything else. I am forcing myself to stay awake, in hopes of being able to sleep tonight. I had to take a benzo an hour before he is due home.

This is no way to live.

Phyllis
It turns out that an eerie type of chaos can lurk just behind a facade of order - and yet, deep inside the chaos lurks an even eerier type of order.


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MILLERISHEALTHY's Photo MILLERISHEALTHY Posts: 5,960
3/27/13 6:41 P

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TERRI, I think we were posting at about the same time! I mentioned your meditation in my post and how it might help SBHTRACK, too!

You've had a great and productive day - 8 hours of sleep last night emoticon
plus getting your hair cut, walking and volunteering, and checking in with your doctors office! emoticon

Miller emoticon

Edited by: MILLERISHEALTHY at: 3/27/2013 (18:43)
"The present is what slips by us while we’re pondering the past and worrying about the future. - Ziggy

"The groundwork of all happiness is health."
Leigh Hunt

"Comparison is the thief of joy."
Theodore Roosevelt


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MILLERISHEALTHY's Photo MILLERISHEALTHY Posts: 5,960
3/27/13 6:26 P

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MARILYN, Congratulations on getting so much done! You deserve a great big pat on the back plus some nice reward. Try to think of something fun to do for yourself. I’ll bet your roommates will be astonished when they see how much you’ve accomplished!


KRIS, it’s great to hear from you – I hope you’re doing well. Is NZ moving towards autumn now? Is it getting a bit cooler where you are? I know you'll be glad to get a break from the heat!


CAROLINE, it’s so frustrating when you lose everything like your blog entry – I’m sorry that happened! I’m glad you were able to see your friend and get a comforting hug. Great job on getting started on Walk This Way! I’m sorry about the scale going up a bit, but you have done very well losing weight so far and you’re making lots of great non-scale changes, too!


ONICAM, I think rice and any crackers would work, as long as they’re not wheat crackers, since you said you’re allergic to wheat. I hope you’re feeling better today!


LLAMA, I agree with Kris about getting a referral to a psychiatrist. They know so much more about depression and medications and med combinations. I think it’s great that you’re feeling so much better! And now you have the break to look forward to - Enjoy!


KRISTINA, I’m sorry about the phone & cable being shut off – I hope you’re able to keep your internet. I hope everything goes well with the new cats, too. I’m glad your daughter’s friend will be able to come – I sort of understand why your daughter isn’t sure she wants her to now, though. She probably feels like she’s been “jerked around” and on an emotional roller coaster about it all. Maybe she’ll start getting excited about it again soon. I hope your migraine doesn’t last as long as you fear. Sending you (((hugs)))!!!


DOT, I’m glad you made it through the sleep study and got home safely. My husband’s C-pap machine makes noise, but it’s not real loud. You said yours is a Bi-pap, though, and I’m not familiar with those. I hope the readings they got will allow them to get the settings just right for you. My husband has tried different types of masks and he uses the nose mask now. I hope you rest well tonight since you had to get up so early this morning. Take care!


SBHTRACK, Congratulations for getting a thumbs up for exercise and nutrition – that’s emoticon
I’m sorry you’re struggling with anxiety and your attitude. I think a lot of us have days like that – I know I do. I have depression, OCD, GAD, and social anxiety. So basically, I’m scared a whole lot of the time and once in a while, I’ll have a day where I feel like I can’t control myself as well as I’d like. (Had a huge blow-up with my favorite sister a few weeks ago – neither one of us controlled ourselves very well!) You said you recently got off your meds because they were making you worse. I can understand that. I’ve had meds that made me worse, too, and it stinks! But my best advice would be to get in touch with your doctor and try another medication or a combination of medications. Most everyone on the team will tell you that sometimes it takes a good while to find just the right medication or combo of meds for your specific brain chemistry. Other than that, seeing your therapist (if you have one) might help. Also, some of the other folks on this thread do meditation. I took a peek at your Spark page and I see you do yoga – Terri frequently posts here and she does yoga, too. I think she also does meditation, as does Marilyn. Have you tried it? It might really help. I’m sure others will be along with more suggestions soon. Take care and keep in touch. Just posting on this thread helps a lot of us feel better because we know we’re not alone with our struggles! Hang in there!


Big Hugs and Blessings to all!!! (especially if I didn't mention your name - I'm still thinking of you all!) emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Miller emoticon


"The present is what slips by us while we’re pondering the past and worrying about the future. - Ziggy

"The groundwork of all happiness is health."
Leigh Hunt

"Comparison is the thief of joy."
Theodore Roosevelt


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STAYPRESENT's Photo STAYPRESENT Posts: 3,531
3/27/13 6:03 P

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SBHTRACK - have you ever tried meditating?

Caroline - more activity will help. Keep at the good you are doing. It will pay off.

I got my hair cut. It feels good. Got out for a walk. Going to volunteer at a soup kitchen.

Finally slept 8 hrs last night.

Called the drs office back and am going to pick up a blood work request on Monday. Will have my TSA (thyroid activity) checked. This will help to see if that is affecting my sleep.



Peace Out,

Terri


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3/27/13 4:41 P

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hello,
Well for excersice and nutrition I give my self a thumbs up, but as far as attitude and anxiety forget it, I hate days like this. I'm so stressed out, I feel like I can't control my self and I hate it. How to cope?? I recently got off meds because they were making me worse now I sit in my stress ball. It sucks any advice or similars out there.

Decide, Commit and succeed. Life's to short not to like the person who is staring back at you in the mirror.


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3/27/13 4:38 P

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Here is my update of the last few days... I was able to see my friend yesterday... We had a good few minutes together... Moment I will savour for some time... He said it was good to see me... That warmed my heart and relieved my fears... I was very nervous after our last text message conversation that he was extremely upset... I wasn't sure if he wanted to ever speak to me... I'm thinking maybe he was stressed out about something else and possibly even sick since he didn't make the trip to town for the event I was hoping to see him at... I gave him his birthday present... His birthday is next week... It is a Leather Holy/Prayer Card Holder... I had his name burned into it to personalized it... I added a few cards that are special to me and to him... We exchanged a hug... He is one of those people when he hugs you all everything melts away and you feel nothing but peace and safety... It is a lasting feeling that sticks with you... We hugged nearly every week after Mass before he was transferred out of town... He will be transferred again in June 2018... I am praying it is to some where closer and it would be a miracle if he is transferred back into the same city as me... He is currently a 2-1/2 hour drive in good weather away... I will have a chance to see him for sure again in June for the Annual Ordination to the Priesthood... I will miss him deeply until then...

I went to the Walk This Way Kick Off Event... I was late since I was at the Chrism Mass and with my friend for a few moments after Mass... I was still able to pick up my walking Passport plus receive credit for this route... I walked it alone since everyone else had finished... I only did half of the route (one loop) as not to push myself too much and risk injury... The Kick Off Event was walking from the Mayor's Office through the Skyway which connects several downtown buildings... It is a 1 mile trip if you make the loop twice... I met my friends at the end for a sample of Spring Vegetable Soup...

I wrote a blog entry on the actual site on the page that is used for posting entries... When I fnished typing after an hour of typing... I clicked for it to post... It would never load... So, cyberspace at my entire blog entry... I have now learned to type it up in a word processor then cut/paste my entry... If something happens and it doesn't load... I can always try later...

I weighted myself again today... I'm weighing on Wednesdays and Saturdays... My weight isn't doing anything but creeping up and up and up... 199.7 to 200 to 200.4 to 200.7 to 201.1 now! UGH! Soo frustrating!!! I feel like I am doing everything like I am supposed to... The weather is improving out... Hopefully more activity will reverse this downward spiral and I can change it to an upward spiral... Thinking some good thoughts and say a few prayers for me... Thanks!

Caroline

Mama to 6:
Boy 14, Boy 11, Girl 8.5, Boy 6, Boys 3.5 & 3.5 (yes TWINS!)

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3/27/13 4:29 P

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LLAMAINGALOSHES - fear of the unknown is one of the worst fears of all, and often it is unfounded!

I really think that considering your Dr (family) is your prescriber, you are really best off to ask for a referral to a Psychiatrist. The family Dr is great, and often their input with scripts can be very helpful, but occasionally when there is a continuing issue as in your case, you are far better off with the Psychiatrist who has a much more in-depth knowledge of Depression, types of Depression, and medication/s (combination/dose) for treating it. You owe this to yourself and you owe it to the children you obviously enjoy teaching!!! (to ensure that you are able to continue doing what you and they love)

BIG hugs,
Kris

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3/27/13 3:45 P

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LLAMAINGALOSHES...I am glad that you are feeling better today. I hope that you will keep in touch with our group. We are very supportive, and we are here for you.

HUGS
Pam

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I am not a medical professional or a trained counselor. Please seek professional advice about treatment options.

"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be."
-Marc Pagnol
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3/27/13 3:42 P

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Dot-I'm glad your sleep study went well. I can only imagine how hard it is to have this machine working all night and making those noises-but it halps you and this is so important, isn't it ? Nose mask instead of full face mask sounds good, too.
I hope those adjustments they made will give you better night sleep.
Many hugs,
Marta

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3/27/13 2:06 P

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Llama-of course you are allowed to feel almost cheery! This is probably the med doing it's job.

I don't have any experiences with American psychiatric hospitals, only with Polish. I had classes in them and visited family members. They were just as any other hospitals. Patients, nurses, doctors. I think each and everyone hospital stay is boring.

My cousin spent most of her second pregnancy in a university mental hospital. I was able to sneak in and visit her at any time I wanted. She was allowed to go home on every weekend and after a while the family was invited to take her out of the hospital for shopping or to the restaurant-just to do something "normal" together. The patients had peaceful and quiet surroundings and the staff was professional and caring.

I think that you are going to be ok. Avoiding the hospital because of your job isn't difficult to understand.
I hope that you will get better during the school break. Many many hugs to you.

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LLAMAINGALOSHES's Photo LLAMAINGALOSHES Posts: 1,030
3/27/13 12:11 P

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Miller: My GP is prescribing it. My therapist knows I'm on it, of course. I do have insurance, but it's pretty crappy. We only got vision added in January! I'm not sure what it covers, but I don't have a copay anymore to see the therapist.

I don't know that what I need is a "stable" environment to get better. I did a Google search on positive mental hospital experiences, and while those people didn't have awful experiences, they were bored most of the time. Also, I don't want so many people to pay attention to me. People always checking on me. Introversion can be seen as isolating, which from what I understand they don't want to see.

Also, I don't think I can voluntarily leave work. It's MUCH more work to have to miss school than it is to go. That's why I always work when I'm sick (except when I had the flu).

Like I said, I'm feeling a lot better today. Like, almost cheery. It's weird to go from the lowest point ever to being cheery. I feel cautious-like, am I allowed to have such a huge change in mood? Am I just going swing back down? I'm doing my best to hang on. It's just much harder when I'm as low as I was.

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3/27/13 11:14 A

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Time got away from me, but I did read posts.

Kris - it is so very good to hear from you.

Onicam - watch for high salt in those

Caroline - bummer, proud if you keeping calm. Look forward to new blog

Llama - I have seen and heard the same here in USA
That suicide attempt is the only experience I have. The charcoal did not hurt and they were very loving and kind to me. They kept me 72 hrs. I had no insurance or income. Things improved for me when I began to trust a doctor at family clinic. Next I began to trust pdoc wit all my fears of the mental healt profession.

Now I'm going through some more trust issued because of misinformation on Levothyroxine. Oh we'll, just need to stay open and inquisitive.

Peace Out,

Terri


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3/27/13 11:10 A

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Hello All,

Thank you all for the well wishes. I also wish that all of you that are having a hard time can find a way to make things better.

The problem that I have been having is not getting enough sleep. I keep waking up 2 to 3 times a night and I have a hard time to go back to sleep. I know for me it is my pain that I have throughout my body, that will wake me up if it is getting worse or if I am laying the wrong way. It is so I can readjust myself in a better position sometimes. Other times I just don't know.

I use a Bi-pap machine at night for Sleep Apnea. The machine is noisy so I put it in another room so I don't hear it at night. I have 2-25 ft hoses running from one room to another. The system that I have works good for me.

Last night I had to go and do a Sleep Study again so that I can get my Bi-pap machine adjusted right so it will work like it is suppose to. I did ok last night. It is quite a process. It is my 3rd time having it done. Now that that part is done now the doctor has to look at the report first and then it will go to my provider company and they will send someone out to make the correct settings on my machine. I was also given a nose only mask instead of the full face mask. I like it a lot better and I didn't have any trouble keeping my mouth closed. I woke up twice during the night like I usually do at home too, but was able to just lay there and finally went back to sleep. They got me up at 5:30 this morning and undid me. Got rid of all the wires and stuff. I didn't take a shower there because I need a chair inside and I don't know if they had one. But anyway's I came home and took a shower and washed out my hair real good. Now I feel back to normal. As for me driving I did ok. I went slow and took my time. Coming home was real easy because it was already daylight.

Hope you have a fabulous day.

Hope everyone can enjoy their day.

Best wishes to all!


I will keep you all in my Thoughts and Prayers

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MILLERISHEALTHY's Photo MILLERISHEALTHY Posts: 5,960
3/27/13 11:08 A

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LLAMA, I said in my earlier post that I didn't know why I resisted going to the hospital in the first place, but I've been thinking about that and I do know why.

The first reason was fear of the unknown - I didn't know what it was going to be like and I had only seen movies about scary mental hospitals. The other reason is because I thought going to the hospital meant that I had failed as a person and just as a human being in general. I was embarrassed and ashamed and thought it would mean that I was weak and "less than." I was also afraid of the social stigma that surrounded mental hospitals. I figured I would always be labeled as a "mental patient." I was wrong, because what Kris said is true. If I had been physically ill, I wouldn't have hesitated to go to the hospital for treatment and you probably wouldn't either. Mental illness is no different than physically illness - in fact, it IS a physical illness at a chemical and brain synapses level.

My hospitalizations were in the 1970's. That was a long, long time ago and mental illness has much less of a stigma now than it did then. Almost every other person I meet is on some type of antidepressant or tranquilizer. People understand it a lot better now.

I was just like you - I said I could "never" go to the hospital - I literally believed that it was the very worst thing that could ever happen to me in my life. I was wrong about that, as well. I also thought I could never return to work and face my co-workers - none of them knew about my depression, anxiety and OCD. But by the time I got out of the hospital I felt completely different and I went back to work and everyone was so happy to see me and so kind and supportive. As I said in my previous post, the only bad thing about going to a mental hospital (especially a private one) is because you can't stay a long time like I did the last time. Insurance companies just won't fork out that kind of money any more. That last six weeks I was there saved my life and my sanity. It was a great luxury and one that I'm very grateful for.

One other thing - even though I haven't been a patient in a State mental hospital, I have visited a relative at one. It wasn't fancy and "country club" like the private one, of course, but it wasn't a "house of horrors" either. My relative seemed perfectly comfortable there.

I can't remember who is prescribing your medication. I don't think it's your therapist because she's not a psychiatrist - is that right? Some medications take time to "kick in" and some can actually make depression worse. Time will tell, so please try to hang on and give the medication time to work. And remember - if this medication doesn't help you, there are many, many more out there to try. I know it's very, very hard, but it's worth it. I know you find that hard to believe right now because of the depression, but it's true. If you keep feeling more and more depressed on the medication, please discuss it with the doctor that prescribed it. Sometimes it really does take time to find the right medication that will work well with you and your brain chemistry.

I hope you're having a good day. You're in my thoughts and I'm wishing you all good things.

Miller emoticon



Edited by: MILLERISHEALTHY at: 3/27/2013 (11:17)
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3/27/13 10:58 A

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Good morning!
Llama, would you be willing to at least discuss your concerns about hospitals with your therapist and maybe check out different options in your area as suggested by Miller? Hugs. Hope you continue to feel better. Sometimes it does take a long time to see that light at the end of the tunnel.
Kristina, oops about the bill. Hopefully you don't lose Internet before it is paid. I've missed paying bills before. A couple of years ago my gas got shut off in September just as it was getting cold outside. Turned out I hadn't made a payment in something like 6 months.
I forget who asked but yes rice and whatever crackers that are fairly bland should do. I often like rice crackers when I'm feeling off.
I managed to finally polish off my blog about living with depression. Feel free to use it if you are trying to explain to someone what depression feels like. I am back to purging this morning. DD is at school and room mates return late tonight.
Have a great day! Hugs and positive thoughts to everyone.
Marilyn

Life is what you make of it. Choose to be happy about something Now! Choose to make your life an adventure.


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3/27/13 10:47 A

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Morning all - I do hope and pray that all of you are doing better today than yesterday. things are working out slowly for me. Hubby is pulling double shifts due to the 2nd job, for this week and we will see how long it goes for. Somehow, I forgot to pay the Comcast bill and they shut off the phone and cable, but so far, I still have internet. A little wild, but I can pay the past due bill on Friday. We get the 2 cats today as my friend has been able to work something out with her vet for flea treatment before we get them. I will meet her at that vet's office and take them from there. Also, we heard from the ex-step-mother of my daughter's friend. Seems the friend will still be coming for the visit, as long as "she keeps her nose clean". We will see. Daughter is glad she's coming, but really isn't sure she wants her to now. Ah well.

Woke up with a migraine and am working to get rid of it, but I think this one will last a little bit longer than I wish. Will check in later as long as I have internet.

Kristina

"Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read." - Mark Twain


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3/27/13 8:25 A

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LLAMA, I've never been in a State mental hospital, but I have been in a private one 4 times. Everything you've said about mental hospitals is untrue about private hospitals. I can't speak about state mental hospitals, though. Do you have insurance and/or the means to go to a private one (I mean, if it should ever come to that?).

I have to say that the private mental hospital I went to was like being at a country club, or at least a college dorm or something. The facility was beautiful, the staff was kind and caring, we had group therapy every day and classes we could attend (exercise, craft, singing, etc.) and the food was absolutely delicious. The last time I was there for six weeks but it was of my own volition. Looking back, I don't know why I resisted going, because it was a great place and I felt very safe there and most important of all, my meds got stable. I always feel sorry for people now because they're not allowed by insurance companies to stay for extended periods of time anymore. Now, people usually go and get out in about 3 days time.

Miller emoticon

Edited by: MILLERISHEALTHY at: 3/27/2013 (08:27)
"The present is what slips by us while we’re pondering the past and worrying about the future. - Ziggy

"The groundwork of all happiness is health."
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"Comparison is the thief of joy."
Theodore Roosevelt


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LLAMAINGALOSHES's Photo LLAMAINGALOSHES Posts: 1,030
3/27/13 7:11 A

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Kris, thanks for your concern. I can't go to a hospital because in the States, from what I've read, you lose all of your rights if you mention you're suicidal, and they will not let you out of the hospital until they think you're "ready"-a term that can't really be defined. They can give you drugs without your consent, and frankly, I've read too many stories of people being mistreated by uncaring staff. Maybe it's different in NZ, but I won't let it happen to me if I can help it.

I will say I'm feeling much better this morning. I don't know if it's the meds, but it seems like my "default" mood is higher than it was without them, but my lows are lower. I hope this will even out as my body adjusts. Maybe if I could remember to take my darn second dose at the right time it would be easier!



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3/27/13 6:57 A

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Will the rice and any crackers work? I have a wheat allergy as well as allergies with chocolate, peanuts, beets, dairy, shellfish, potatoes, and coffee.

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3/27/13 2:30 A

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I was going to type an update after my blog entry... However my blog entry was eaten... I need to start typing it in a wordprocessor instead of directly on the site... Especially considering the length of the message... Jerk had a huge stick up his rear when he came home and saw the house a wreak... I stood my ground... I didn't let him ruin my mood or further push me down after the blog upset... Exciting and happy update tomorrow... Today was wonderful! also hopefully a blog post or two coming tomorrow...

Caroline

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3/27/13 12:24 A

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Great to hear from you Kris! Hope you are well.
Marilyn

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3/27/13 12:19 A

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OMG - I just popped in to say hi, and thank those who have checked up on me, and the first thing I notice is a very distressing post from LLAMAINGALOSHES.

MY SWEETM, please do NOT think of doing anything silly, and thinking of ways to end your life are just that. You really NEED to have some more in-depth input, and the safest place IS in hospital. Under the close supervision of a Psychiatrist they will be able to adjust your medications in a safe environment, monitoring how you go and, and providing some really good in-depth therapy to get you back into a healthy place. Many members here wouldn't be here if they hadn't had this input. It almost sounds like you feel that being in hospital is a punishment, but believe me, it is NOT!!! If you had had a heart attack or a stroke, I am more than sure that you would be pleased and relieved to be in hospital - there is no difference with depression. One thing that I have wondered for some time is if the therapist you see is actually a good one for you. You may like the person, but that doesn't necessarily mean that they are good for you - just that you feel comfortable with them.

I am sending BIG hugs your way, and beg of you to PLEASE seek more in-depth help!!!
Kris

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I am not a Dr - please check with your qualified Health Professional for a diagnosis and treatment plan


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3/26/13 11:52 P

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Hi gang,
Another productive day. I finished tidying my bedroom and got well into the purging in the laundry room. If you have ever seen the tv show Hoarders, you get an idea. The room was packed with boxes and stuff except for a narrow path in front of the washer and dryer. Now in my own defence, I moved to this townhouse from a 2 story four bedroom Victorian home. There is considerably less space here except that the master bedroom is much bigger and there are 4 bathrooms rather than 2. I also don't have an attic here. My mom is a collector of things/stuff or a packrat if you prefer and so that is how I was raised. I learned however when the house was up for sale for a little more than a year, that I liked living in a clean and clutter free environment. Now as of this week I have been in the townhouse for a year. During that year, my depression has been very very bad until recently. So there are still many boxes that were never unpacked. This is made worse by the fact that although the house had been for sale for so long in the end I only had 5 weeks to get packed up and moved out. So the townhouse has never made it to the cleaned up and not overcrowded cluttered state that I came to enjoy. Now that my depression has lifted I am making steady progress on this. A month or two ago I had managed to deal with a bunch of boxes from my closet. But I have now got the laundry room down to boxes stacked against two walls. A pile of stuff for the trash and another large pile of stuff to figure out where to donate. I have been keeping an eye on posts throughout the day though as, although I am committed to the task, it is going to take a while and I really don't like doing it. I'm so sorry about all the pain that everyone is going through. I will try to get back to replying to everyone in the near future, however, tomorrow is the last day my room mates are out of town and I want to astonish them when they return, with the difference.
Hugs and positive energy to all.
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Marilyn

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3/26/13 11:20 P

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Llama - now that you mention the "just can't end up in hospital".. I remember something similar. There was a time when it was easy to get a person committed. I was always afraid of that.

Miller - yes, have been through quite a bit. Did finish my blog at about 4 am.

Had a good yoga session. Regular teacher hurt her tailbone. The woman that filled in does restorative yoga. It was stretches and very good.



Peace Out,

Terri


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3/26/13 10:19 P

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Miller,
It didn't take very long for this depression to get here. I mean, it had been low-grade since my last major episode, but after my grandpa died and I was feeling low, I made the excuse that I was "just grieving." Then the work stuff and religion stuff kicked in and I just started feeling much worse. I'd say it took about a month (give or take a few days) to get from low grade depression to seeing something in my environment and thinking of how I could commit suicide using it. :P As soon as I recognized the depression I went to the doctor and I've been trying really hard to do work outside of therapy to help myself. I post here and try to learn as much as I can about depression. I know it's supposed to be a slow process, but back in December/January, I envisioned myself feeling better, not worse.

I don't want to tell my husband about my thoughts. People freak out when you say suicide. I don't want him to freak out and put me in the hospital. He is a kind person. Kind enough that he'd freak out if I told him.

I'll do my "homework" because I do what my therapist suggests every week (except for the week that I had my ideation...I didn't do much that week). For some reason my therapist is impressed when I do it. I think...of COURSE I'm going to do it, I'm paying this person to help me get better, I'd better get my money's worth and try what she suggests! She's got a doctorate in psychology, I don't.

I'm not going to ask people to pray for me because I don't believe that prayer affects anything. I may post to facebook and explain where I am with depression. Or I may not. I posted about it once (for only church people to see) and left it up for about a day before taking it down. It's something that I've had to adjust to-Christians have prayer requests and that's how you can tell people that you're going through something. I'm not sure how to tell people what I'm going through now that I've let go of my belief that prayer does anything.

I know I need to let others love me...I just prefer hiding right now. It's stupid, I know. But I hate drawing attention to myself, having others feel bad for me, and frankly I hate that I need others to support me, and that I have this depression that requires me to need support so badly. :P

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3/26/13 9:00 P

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LLAMA, I know - really I do - that three months of therapy seems like a lot, but it's not really that much in the grand scheme of things. Just think of how long it took you to get to this state of depression. It didn't happen overnight and it won't go away quickly, either, unless you happen on the right medication and it "kicks in." If that happens, it will feel like a miracle cure - I've had one of those in the past. But therapy can take time. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Exposure & Response Prevention Therapy are much quicker than "talk therapy" for OCD, but since you're struggling with depression, not OCD, Exposure & Response probably wouldn't work for you. Some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy techniques should, I would think - you may have already asked your therapist about that - I can't remember.

It's good that your therapist is giving you homework. Even if you don't think your relationship was the trigger for this episode, it's still something good to work on and the therapist may have some insight into it that you aren't able to recognize right now. Perhaps your relationship difficulties were a type of catalyst that affected you more than you think.

If I had been asked to guess I would have agreed with your statement: "I think that the process of letting go of every aspect of my religion piece by piece over the course of a month, getting threatened by parents (and berated by several other parents), and the death of my grandfather all happening around the same time probably triggered this episode. The whole work thing was just the icing on the cake, and it happened when I was already low."

But even though I think those were powerful triggers, I don't have the expertise that the therapist does, so I'd say to try and trust her and the process. I know it's excruciatingly hard to wait and wait and wait to feel better. When you are that depressed, you can't really trust your own instincts sometimes because you're seeing things through the distortion of depression. At times like that, we have to trust others. That's the point I was at just before my last hospitalization. I practically had to be physically forced to go, but I ended up having to trust others that could see things more clearly than me and it worked.

It's not easy - none of it - but you are very strong and you can make it. Can you talk to your husband about any of this? Does he know that you think about suicide? I just wish you could talk to him about it all (if he's a kind and supportive person, that is).

I'm going to ask you something pretty radical, considering that you're an atheist now - but have you considered asking your church to pray for you? Even if you don't believe - what about just reaching out to your church congregation and asking them to pray in whatever form they feel comfortable doing so. I know your church isn't traditional and there are many different types of spirituality there, but surely there are those who believe in interceding for others who are in pain. If nothing else, they could send "positive" thoughts your way. And it would be a very powerful way to connect with others.

I'm scared to even bring that up because I don't want to make things worse and I know you said you've been hiding from people - that's only natural when you're depressed. But that's the exact opposite of what you need. You need people to rally around you and show you love and acceptance.

You're in my thoughts and I really, really care about you and your well-being. Please, please don't give up. Even though you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, that doesn't mean the light isn't there - it is - you just cant see it yet. Don't give up and let others love you.

Miller emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

"The present is what slips by us while we’re pondering the past and worrying about the future. - Ziggy

"The groundwork of all happiness is health."
Leigh Hunt

"Comparison is the thief of joy."
Theodore Roosevelt


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3/26/13 8:16 P

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ONICAM, it sounds like you have a cold with the coughing, sneezing, and being stuffed up. I’m sorry you have to deal with that plus the depression. Sometimes when I have a cold and don’t feel like eating, I’ll have a bowl of chicken noodle soup and some saltine crackers. I hope you feel better soon. Take care of yourself.
emoticon emoticon


CRYSSYC, I’m so sorry you’re being blamed for your friend’s possible infection. Even if you do everything right, infections still happen. It’s very unfair that you’re doing all you can to help and are having to suffer with bad attitudes from others. You said your family doesn’t seem to care. Does your friend’s family help you at all? Or are they some of the ones who are blaming you? Either way, I really hope you can get some rest and someone else to help you care for him. I agree with everything CIRANDELLA said. Don’t blame yourself. You seem to be the only person who is actually “stepping up” to care of him and they should be thanking you. Take care. I hope things get better soon.
emoticon emoticon emoticon


LINNEA, I’m sorry your Japanese program froze – I’m sure that was so frustrating – I get so ticked when my computer freezes. Great job on going on your walk!
emoticon
It's a shame people let their little dogs run loose – that is very annoying. I finally bought some new furniture a couple of years ago (sofa & chair) and I couldn’t believe how much it cost. It’s crazy. I think furniture is a racket, too. They know we can’t make our own, so they over-charge us. I hope you can find a comfy, long-lasting one that is also affordable.


Hugs and Blessings everyone! I hope tomorrow is a better brighter day for all. emoticon emoticon emoticon

Miller emoticon


Edited by: MILLERISHEALTHY at: 3/26/2013 (20:18)
"The present is what slips by us while we’re pondering the past and worrying about the future. - Ziggy

"The groundwork of all happiness is health."
Leigh Hunt

"Comparison is the thief of joy."
Theodore Roosevelt


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LLAMAINGALOSHES's Photo LLAMAINGALOSHES Posts: 1,030
3/26/13 8:08 P

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Turns out my surprise observation wasn't intended to be an observation. She was planning to pull some students out of class to talk about a field trip, but the students seemed to enjoy what they were doing so she stuck around for the rest of the time-30 minutes out of a 42 minute class. But she seemed to think it was okay, which is incredible considering how badly I was feeling.

I guess it's good that I can fake it well enough to impress my principal, but yesterday was so dark and no one even knew. How can I connect with people if I'm not being genuine?

I can't for the life of me remember to take my 2nd dose of meds after school. I'm supposed to take it at 3 or so, which is right when school ends. I didn't remember until 7 this evening that I needed to take one. I thought I had set a Google calendar reminder to e-mail me but it didn't work. I think I've got it so it will work.

I invited a Broadway actress (whose parents attend church with me) to come speak to my middle schoolers about her career, and she came today. Principal showed up to that, too. I think she was impressed.
---
Terri, thanks for sharing your story. You've certainly been through a lot.

When I had that ideation two weeks ago, my therapist asked me what would be helpful, and I told her "Whatever keeps me out of the hospital." She noticed that I didn't say whatever keeps me alive, just out of the hospital. I said "Well, isn't death kind of the point of suicide?" She said "Not always." I agreed, but that in my picture, it was the goal. When I was reading about the experience with the charcoal, the hospital, the doctors, my gut reaction was "if I ever did it, I would have to make sure I was successful." I know that's awful, but I can't end up in a hospital. I just can't.
---
Miller, thanks for your vote of confidence. I wish I had any confidence. I'm not very good at that. I'm not sure I want to see what's around the corner. If it's a life full of depression, I don't think I do want to see.
---
My "homework" this week is to look for patterns of behavior in my marriage that may have contributed to the emotional distance between my husband and I. I haven't started yet. Too painful. But therapist thinks that this episode was caused by relationship problems. I'm sure they contributed, but I don't think they were the cause.

I think that the process of letting go of every aspect of my religion piece by piece over the course of a month, getting threatened by parents (and berated by several other parents), and the death of my grandfather all happening around the same time probably triggered this episode. The whole work thing was just the icing on the cake, and it happened when I was already low.

I was seriously hoping I'd be better by now. :P It's the end of March, I honestly thought that after three months of therapy I'd have made at least some progress, but...look at my posts. I'm closer to suicide than I've ever been. I just want the depression to be gone.

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3/26/13 7:49 P

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CRYSSY, I'm so sorry...it sounds like you've really been thrown into an unimaginable pressure-cooker cauldron of stress and that too many expectations have been unfairly heaped upon you. You're a human being, too (it goes without saying!), and you're more than entitled to the basic, day-to-day care that your own decent health relies upon. You could use some assistance there, and not in the form of this punitive home-health nurse.

What I think sounds so unfair is that she's accusing *you* of being the caues of the poor appearance of his midline stomach incision. There's something called "wound dehiscence," in which a wound ruptures along its surgical suture line. By no means does that mean you used less than optimal sterile technique in cleaning the wound and/or changing his bandages. There are other possible complicating factors that caused this. She's being grossly unfair to point the finger at you. So, please don't blame yourself. Ultimately, she is responsible for the status of this wound, and if, say, an antibiotic is required, *she* should be taking action toward bringing that about.

You are a kind, good friend. Don't internalize this; you have been nothing but good and generous. emoticon

"If you're going through hell, keep going."

- Winston Churchill



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3/26/13 7:14 P

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konnichiwa minna. I've had a pretty boring day. Did my Japanese until the program froze and I had to get out of it. It annoyed so I said to heck with it along with several other choice words. I went for my walk. Ran into little dogs on the lose. I hate that. How hard is it to leash them or keep them in a fenced area? Arg. I look at new chairs online. $300 regular priced is the cheapest! Why are stuff for over weight people so much more money? All I want is a chair that's wide enough for me and isn't going to fall apart in few weeks. I want to draw again and the chair issue sucks.





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3/26/13 6:47 P

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TERRI, thank you for sharing your story with us. It’s very moving. You’ve been through a lot and you are a brave lady to still be “fighting the good fight” for physical and mental health. It’s not an easy road and I’m so glad you’ve come so far. God bless you! I think He must have been looking over you that day you tried to take your life. It sounds like it was miraculous that you were saved and thank God you were!

Regarding your medication issues, I share your frustration with doctors and medications and not being told the proper way to take them or if there are other things they shouldn’t be taken with, etc. I’ve also had a situation where there was a misdiagnosis and also a situation where I suffered from side effects for two years and was in physical therapy for a condition that was simply caused by one of my medications. The doctors never “put it together.” My family has had such a hard time with doctors and medications that we’ve realized over time that we really have to look out for ourselves and be our own advocates.

Your story has touched my heart and I look forward to reading your blogs, too. Please let us know when you post one.

Miller emoticon emoticon


"The present is what slips by us while we’re pondering the past and worrying about the future. - Ziggy

"The groundwork of all happiness is health."
Leigh Hunt

"Comparison is the thief of joy."
Theodore Roosevelt


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3/26/13 6:26 P

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LLAMA, I’m very glad you were feeling a bit better last night. I think your surprise observation must have gone well since the Principal was smiling and laughing. It is remarkable how you were able to persevere and keep on teaching when you really just wanted to curl up and sleep. You should feel proud of yourself for being strong enough to do that. I’m glad your break is coming up soon.

I understand when you say you’re not sure you want to work to fix your marriage. I’m glad you and your therapist are working on that. I hope that someday you’ll know what it feels like to not be depressed. I have to believe that will happen for you. It would make a world of difference. Sometimes it takes a really long time to find just the right medication or combination of medications – but I read a post from someone just today and she has finally found the right one and couldn’t be happier. It’s like Terri said she was told, “You never know what’s just around the corner.” I hope today has been a good one for you. Keep in touch!

Miller emoticon emoticon

Edited by: MILLERISHEALTHY at: 3/26/2013 (18:28)
"The present is what slips by us while we’re pondering the past and worrying about the future. - Ziggy

"The groundwork of all happiness is health."
Leigh Hunt

"Comparison is the thief of joy."
Theodore Roosevelt


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3/26/13 6:17 P

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CAROLINE, I was a “secretary” (I know that word is antiquated – they call them “admins” now) when I used to work so I’m a little familiar with some of the word processing software. Anyway, the way I do multiple replies in a single post is that I have the “Help” thread up on my laptop screen and I also open Microsoft Word. Then I “right-click” the bar at the bottom of the screen and when I see the list come up, I choose “Show windows stacked.” I type all my responses in a Microsoft Word document and then copy and paste it into a “Reply” on the “Help” thread. Then I “right-click” the bar at the bottom of the screen again and choose “Undo Show stacked.” I don’t save the replies in Microsoft Word – I just use it as a place to type as I read the posts. By "stacking the screens" or splitting them (you can do it horizontally or vertically) I can see everyone's posts and my typing area at the same time.

I think some people said they use “notepad” or something, and some people take notes like Terri was saying. If none of these ideas work for you, you could just reply one at a time. But don’t feel you have to reply individually just because some of us do. It’s just whatever fits in with your life and schedule, etc.

Congratulations on your water intake – that is fantastic! I’m glad you got to see your doctor and give her an update on everything. The “Walk This Way” program sounds great! You are really getting it all together. I’m very impressed with all the progress you’re making! I hope you get to see your friend and that all goes well. Hugs do help, don’t they? I grew up in a family that didn’t hug at all, so it’s been very hard for me to learn to give and receive hugs. Very, very, hard. But it was worth it. emoticon

Miller


"The present is what slips by us while we’re pondering the past and worrying about the future. - Ziggy

"The groundwork of all happiness is health."
Leigh Hunt

"Comparison is the thief of joy."
Theodore Roosevelt


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3/26/13 3:07 P

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Cryssy - Don't forget your signature...Breathe. Please try not to let what others think sway you.

Onicam - Put one foot in front of the other and keep going.

Marilyn - happy cleaning

I am getting more done than would have thought. Went to the grocery store, Picked up hubby at auto shop. Cleaned kitchen thoroughly. Going to finally take a shower, run some errands, and go to yoga.



Peace Out,

Terri


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3/26/13 2:24 P

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CRYSSYC-I am so sorry people are accusing you of doing things wrong. Wound infections happen even if everything around the patient is spotless and disinfected.
I hope that your friend will get better soon and that you will be appreciated for all you do.
Prayers for you and your friend.

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3/26/13 2:07 P

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Most everyone knows that I have been helping a friend who had major stomach surgery. we have been home since saturday evening. since then i have had 12 hours of sleep (not good sleep), only 2 real meals, the rest snacks, one shower. I have been accused of not being able to handle the feeding, dressing changes, cleaning the house, cooking, laundry, making sure he has appointments set up properly, that the home health nurse is informed of all that goes on, and just now it was assumed that because his midline stimach incision is looking and smelling infected that obviously i am not changing and cleaning his wounds right.

Let me be the first to say that i wear hospital provded gloves, i clean and change every bandages and the home health nurse checks once a day when she comes to asses him.

I am going on lack of sleep, lack of nutrition, lack of patience, and verging on lack of sanity. I do not need everyones BS about what THEY think I am or am not doing properly.

I am need of a sisters day but my family cant seem to understand all that I have been doing and they dont even seem to care. How sad .

Thank you for listening. I know that my spark friends and family care. I do hope that you all are doing well and I am praying for you all.

Inhale~~Exhale~~Just Breathe.


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3/26/13 11:35 A

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MARTA, I'm so sorry!!! It's so hard to have to go through that with a pet. At times like these, I try to comfort myself by remembering that they won't have to suffer anymore. I'll say a prayer for you and your family. Sending you big, big hugs!!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon

Miller emoticon


"The present is what slips by us while we’re pondering the past and worrying about the future. - Ziggy

"The groundwork of all happiness is health."
Leigh Hunt

"Comparison is the thief of joy."
Theodore Roosevelt


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3/26/13 11:09 A

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Hugs everyone. Still spring cleaning today!
Have a great day.
Marilyn

Life is what you make of it. Choose to be happy about something Now! Choose to make your life an adventure.


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3/26/13 10:49 A

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Our poor little hamster has died today. He had massive bleeding from the digestive tract. We took him to the vet to help him on his way. I'm very sad.

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3/26/13 6:50 A

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I am not in the mood for food which is not a good thing. I think the depression is coming back with me, but I also know that I have been sneezing, coughing, and stuffed up as well.I have to go to the job, but I must force myself in order to not stay in bed all day.

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3/26/13 5:14 A

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Caroline - I don't know how the other respond, however what I do is take notes as I'm reading.
I'm glad you will be learning the walking paths in your city. When I was in California I really enjoyed all the bicycle paths.

Llama - When I tried to take my life in January of 2001 I was thinking the same thing about wanting to just sleep. My children were taken by the state of CA December 6, 2000 due to the depression which manifest in neglect and alcohol abuse. I took sleeping pills and alcohol. I remember feeling my slipping away. I felt the darkness and surrendered to it. There was a bit of fear and I cried out for help. I was alone on a boat in the middle of the day. For some unknown reason someone came to check on me. I remember them pulling me out and carrying me in a fireman's hold. I was so thirsty. They wouldn't let me have water. I was taken by ambulance to hospital. They gave me charcoal to vomit. I did. I was told later that everything had dissolved into my blood and don't know how I survived. The therapist who came to talk to me kept saying that I didn't know what would be around the next corner and didn't I want to see it. I thought "NO!" Also, she tried the reasoning of hurting my children. I also remember the pdoc telling me that the first thing they treat is insomnia. He made me promise to follow up with them. The let me out after 72 hrs.

I will never forget the fear I experienced for some time after getting out of the hospital. I did go see the pdoc in LA. It was scary and difficult driving there. I didn't go back.

It would be some time after that before I would go back to another pdoc for help. I would get some temp work doing bookkeeping. The last time I did that I would spend most of my day crying over the paperwork. I talked to the woman I was working for and the next day she let me go. I never worked a 40 hr week since then. A woman I was living with gave me one of her Xanax. I could not believe that I could feel calm. I was so shocked that I made an appointment to see a pdoc. In the initial interview the woman asked what was going on and mentioned that my buttons were not buttoned right. I was as honest as I could be. I explained my fears of being turned into a zombie. After a few visits I noticed the drugs were really making me feel awful. I told the doctor. As I was walking to the pharmacy to get the prescription filled I saw that he increased the dose of the same medicine. I was angry. I didn't get it filled or go back for some time. I don't remember why I did go back. I do remember it was hard to get back in because it was a free clinic. The woman I had talked to before came into the office to talk to the new person about my case. It was then that I remember her saying I came in looking for Xanax and I was in a cult. I didn't know anything about the street use or problems of Xanax. I also got defensive about the cult comment. They sent me to another pdoc. I stayed on those meds for a while.

Finally I got approved for disability and had insurance. I found a pdoc that also was a therapist. I was able to talk to him and work with trying different medicines. I had stopped drinking for some time, however while I was in treatment with him I went back to it. So I started drinking very heavily, taking the meds, and increasing the sleep aids. When I got into AA I was so very broken. I had completely given up on anything helping, especially God.

In AA we deal with alcoholism. Since I had already been diagnosed with a severe mental illness and was on medicine it was recommended to continue with that treatment. I was getting what is called stable on Paxil, Abilify, and Klonopin. Then I met my now husband. When I experienced some sexual problems, I got on Serazone. After a couple years I started have despression episodes. The Serazone was adjusted up and down but I still was so sad. I went into therapy along with the medicines. I noticed a couple times when I accidentally forgot to take my medicine that I felt really good. I asked about trying to work with the Abilify to see if that was the problem. Last spring I weaned off of that. Then in the summer it was suggested to try Welbutrin. I never felt so good in my life.

A couple months later the therapist said that she thought I was having a manic episode. I was sleeping with the sleep aids and thought I was living responsibly. She convinced me to get back on the Abilify. By Christmas I was so depressed I was debilitated. When the PA refused to change the Abilify I found another doctor. The new doctor changed the Abilify with Limictol. The depression got worse. Through phone calls I weaned off that. I also was experienced terrible binging and intestinal problems. So the next time the Welburtrin with replaced with Celexa and no mood stabilizer. It was also suggested to wean off the Rameron and Klonopin I was taking for sleep.

I started seeing a new therapist that has seen great results with natural remedies for her husband who has been diagnosed with bipolar. They are very expensive, though. I chose not to go that route. I can talk to her about everything.

When I started having problems in my mouth I started looking into what could be causing it. I stopped all my supplements and the Celexa. I started feeling calm and good about myself again. I have also been really working on opening my heart to truths I've never heard before. The mouth problem did not go away. I went to see my family doctor for it. I had talk to her some time ago about working with me on the mental health medicines I need. She said that she would. I told her that I was off everything and feel good. I would like to see her if that changes. She was good with that.

As you know I have still been having problems with sleep. I don't feel depressed or anxious though. I heard on Dr Ox that calcium supplements can interfere with thyroid medicne. Also, that hypothyroidism could be caused my Iodine deficiency. So while I was researching that I stumbled on to the mention that Levothyroxine (the med I take) can have the side-affect of insomnia. It was recommended to talk to doctor. So I called the doctors office to ask about that. I didn't talk to the doctor, however the woman I talked to did tell me that the medicine is suppose to be taken by itself, on an empty stomach, and 30 minutes before eating or other supplements/meds. I have been taking that for years and noone told me any of that! Not only that the calcium does mess it up. Oh yes, she also said that calcium supplements should not me taken with any other meds or supplements either.

Okay, so what else did they neglect to tell me. I'm so angry right now.

The only thing I could think to do was share all of my experience. Perhaps others will see some things I didn't and even better be able to go down a better path.

If any of this touched your heart, I am going to blog, too. Please come by and visit.

Peace Out,

Terri


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3/25/13 11:11 P

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I'm feeling a bit better now, as I'm getting ready to call it a night. I had a surprise observation today. I hope it went okay. Principal seemed to be happy-she was smiling and laughing with the students, so I hope that's a good sign. I asked for some feedback, but I'm scared to check my e-mail. I had to e-mail the parents that threatened me in October and I am afraid of their response.

Of course, the observation came after my therapy appointment, and an hour of sitting in my office shoving everything away for the sake of my students. I just hope I faked it well enough that principal was fooled into thinking that it was a great day for me instead what kind of a day it really was. All I wanted to do was curl into the fetal position and fall asleep. Remarkable that I was able to put on a happy face and teach, really.

I can't believe today is only Monday. 2.5 days to go until break.

Thanks to everyone who wrote nice things to me today. I hope that I can reciprocate someday.

PLANTAGO-You're right that the medication could have intensified how low I was feeling today. I checked out that thread this afternoon, but I was feeling so bad I could barely think straight.

Marilyn-Thanks for your post. If there's anything I need right now, it's to be treated gently. I shared that with my therapist, and she treats me more gently now. I am not quite there yet, but I am aware that I would never treat another living being the way I treat myself. Deep breathing is kind of rough when it feels like there's someone sitting on my chest, but I will try to relax.

Miller, thanks for your support today. My husband and I barely even speak anymore. I started pulling away before we'd even been married two years. We're coming up on 3 years and I've only withdrawn more. So husband is married to a shell of a person-we rarely have any emotional connection. I think he'd be much, much happier married to someone else. I don't understand how he's still with me. Maybe I'd feel better if I weren't married to anyone and I could just be alone. I've ruined it in the sense that I'm not sure I want work to fix it. Anyway, working on that in therapy.

I realize that it's not death that I want. I wish I could just sleep for a very long time. I think that would be the easiest thing for everyone. No one would be upset because I would just be sleeping, and eventually, everyone would forget about me and move on with their lives. Just like the people I called friends forgot about me during my last episode. And my family who won't talk to me unless I make the effort to do so. Anyway, I could chill in dreamland. It's pretty cool there sometimes. And anything I experience in life that I could enjoy could show up in a dream. My dreams are quite vivid and lifelike, and I've always enjoyed dreaming. Who knows, maybe I could sleep through depression and wake up when it's gone? I wish depression worked that way.

I'm pretty sure that low-grade depression has been around for a long time, with some major episodes thrown in. I said to my therapist last week, "Depression has been a part of me for so long, I'm not sure who I'd be without it." I wonder if I'll ever know what it feels like to not be depressed.

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3/25/13 11:06 P

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Hello everyone... I am always reading... I respond when I can... I'm not sure how you all do it where you respond with each name... I need to learn how to do that... I am impressed by those messages...

Water drinking is going well... I'm filling up a 2 Qt pitcher and adding my 'flavor'... I know when it is empty I've met at least my min water goal for the day... So, it is good to have those 8 - 8 oz glasses easily measured out... It was hard keeping track when I was filling up a drinking glass... I'm sure my intake will increase once I am able to be more active outside...

I went to the doctor today for a medication recheck plus give her an update on my situation... She is happy with my positive changes (weight loss {9 lbs officially at the doctors lost}, exercise, hair cut, being proactive about my situation) and annoyed by the fact I'm still struggling with public housing/section 8... We kept my medication as is... I will be back on 1st week of April for my 10 yr old to have his annual well check... I completely blanked... I usually schedule them around their birthday so I make sure they all have their turn and can be checked... We see a family practice (myself and the 6 children)... She sees us when healthy, sick, and delivers my babies...

I'm going to join a program in my city called Walk This Way... It starts tomorrow... They have a mapped out route each week for 14 weeks... Shortest walk is 1 mile with the longest being 3.8 miles... To promote city wide fitness plus helps you learn about various walking/biking paths the city has to offer... A few of my friends from MOPS are also signed up... I will probably see others there I know too! This first walk is with the Mayor.. :-)

Tomorrow is the Chrism Mass (when the Bishop Blesses the Oils (like Last Rites, Confirmation, Baptism, etc) used by the Catholic Church for the whole year)... My friend will be there I wasn't able to meet up with at the end of February... I have a birthday gift for him (birthday is Apr 2nd)... I hope he is still not upset with me... We haven't spoke since he told me all our conversations where too much for him to handle... Pray for us... I'm hoping to have a non awkward moment together maybe even friendly (sure miss his hugs!)... Thank you...

I guess that is all that is going on with me... Good thoughts and prayers for you all... I'm off to work on my Blog...

Edited by: LATINRITELADY79 at: 3/25/2013 (23:13)
Caroline

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Boy 14, Boy 11, Girl 8.5, Boy 6, Boys 3.5 & 3.5 (yes TWINS!)

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3/25/13 9:47 P

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LINNEA, I understand about the PT test – I’m so sorry you have to go through that! My father used to have to get tested on a treadmill (for his heart damage after a massive heart attack) and he hated having to do that – sometimes he was so scared – and believe me, it took a lot to scare my Daddy! I guess he was afraid they were going to push him so far that he would have a heart attack. My mother started going in with him so that she could make them stop if he got in bad shape. I imagine that with you, you’re dreading having to do something so strenuous and being told you can’t stop even when you’re hurting. Does your mom go with you so she can be there for moral support, and as an intermediary should the need arise? I hope so. I wouldn’t want to do it, either, but just do what you can and try not to worry. I’m very proud of you for walking even when you knew you’d probably see people. Great job! I wish your mom and dad could help you pay for a new chair. I didn’t know that Japanese has no capitals – that’s interesting!

ONICAM, great job for making it to day 11 with your soda reduction! I’m sorry you’re feeling anxious and I hope you feel better soon. I’m sorry that the insurance changes won’t pay for anything related to being overweight beginning next year. That’s a shame – I’m sure health care in the U.S. is going to look completely different in another decade. It’s kind of disconcerting. I hope the snow you’re getting doesn’t last long and that Spring will soon be there!

TERRI, super job on staying away from the cookies! I’m sorry you didn’t get much sleep last night. I hope tonight is better. When I first read your sentence, “I was given the gift of desperation,” I had to re-read it to make sure I understand… you’ve gained so much wisdom on your journey!

CAROLINE, I look forward to reading your blog when I get caught up on my posts. I’m sure that writing it will help you and that reading it will help others. That’s a win-win!!!

MARTA, I had to google "proctalgia fugax" to find out what it was – I had never heard of it. As you said, it sounds very unpleasant and painful and I’m very sorry you have it. “Urban backpacking” is a great name for walking along the highway and dealing with heavy traffic. I’ve probably already shared this (my memory is getting so bad) but a woman from my church was hit and killed by a very large truck as she was walking – she had on headphones and was listening to music and just stepped out in front of him. So please continue to be very, very careful when you walk close to traffic. I love what you said to LOVESTOWALK… “Being skinny or fat doesn't really matter as long as we are trying to be healthy and happy and kind to ourselves and to each other.” That is a beautiful statement and should be on billboards across the U.S.! By the way, I’m so happy to hear that your sister is back home and feeling good – that’s wonderful news! I’m also glad that your husband is taking some days off work. Enjoy them – even if you are cleaning together! LOL! Thanks for the hugs!!! My tooth is only a little sore now and a bit sensitive to cold but I’m sure it will be fine – thanks again!

MARILYN, I’m glad you’ve got the energy and desire to clean – go for it while you can!!! (And when you’re done with yours, come and do mine, too!) LOL!!! “I Feel Good” is a great song to rock out to! Woo Hoo!!!

DOT, thank you for your thoughts and prayers – I really appreciate them! It’s been pretty cold here today, too, and it’s been very windy! I wish there was something that would help with your pain. My mother was having “burning legs” and she now takes Lyrica and that has helped. But her legs weren’t really hurting – just burning – so it probably wouldn’t be the right medication for you. Just thought I’d mention it just in case it might help. My husband and daughter have both had sleep studies done. My husband has sleep apnea and uses a C-pap machine every night. It has really helped him a lot. If you do drive yourself, drive carefully. Maybe at 6 a.m. the traffic won’t be too bad and you’ll have an easier drive. Good luck with your sleep study and let us know how it goes.

KRISTINA, I’m very glad that you and your husband had a good talk – it sounds like he’s very open to help from you to keep him from picking up MIL’s bad habits – that’s good! I hope your daughter’s friend can still come. It sounds like they have a very close friendship and it would be really nice if they could get together. At least her father knows the value of their friendship even if the ex-step-mother doesn’t. I really hope it all works out for the very best. Everyone seems to be cleaning today – I haven’t done much – but I should be able to get a lot done tomorrow, as daughter will be in college for about 5 hours. I’m glad things are better and are getting worked out little by little. Life can be so hard and frustrating – hang in there!


CYBRIA, I’m so sorry for all the difficulties you have going on. I do admire you for ending a relationship that wasn’t good for you - that takes great strength, especially when you still deeply care for the person - and I’m sorry you miss the friend so much. It’s a shame that your sister couldn’t have been more supportive of you instead of combative. I definitely empathize with you. I recently had an argument with my eldest sister and told her that it was the last time I was ever going to speak to her in my life. I just couldn’t put up with her anymore, either. And she had always been my favorite sister. Dealing with family is so, so hard sometimes. My husband laughed at me because he says I’ll talk to her again, but I’ve got to say, my life has been a lot less stressful without all her calls and drama that had been sucking the life out of me for years. I’m also sorry about your financial situation – that is so stressful and I sincerely hope things gets better for you soon. Please keep in touch so we can support and encourage you!


Big hugs and many blessings to each and every one!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon

Miller emoticon

ps - I hope I didn't miss anyone - if so, I'm very sorry!!!

"The present is what slips by us while we’re pondering the past and worrying about the future. - Ziggy

"The groundwork of all happiness is health."
Leigh Hunt

"Comparison is the thief of joy."
Theodore Roosevelt


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3/25/13 9:28 P

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Llama-yes we do! I am thinking about you all day today. And Miller is so right-marriage is a very very complicated thing.

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3/25/13 9:07 P

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LLAMA, thank you for your kind words - I appreciate them and you. emoticon

When you say you've ruined your relationship with your husband, do you mean that literally? Is it past all hope and repair? Or are you assuming that it is without his input? Have you tried marriage counseling? The reason I ask is because my husband and I are nothing more than roommates, either. Well, we're good friends, too. Of course, he's 60 and I'm 58 and I realize you're a lot younger than we are. But I guess my point is that even though we're really just "friends" now, neither one of us is terribly unhappy with the other and neither one of us is going to leave - even though I get angry and say so once in a while (to let off steam).

Sometimes we have arguments - I've been pretty vocal about that in the past - but relationships go through ebbs and flows and ups and downs. I remember a time when I was in my teens - my parents were in their 50's and they went through a "roommate" time when they weren't sexual at all - then 5 years later, they were again. Marriage is complicated and there are many different kinds of marriages. A therapist once told me - if you're both okay with the way things are, then your marriage is fine.

I don't know if you can tell from my posts, but I'm not a social person at all. On rare occasions, I can be outgoing and even loud and jokey if I feel good and I'm with people that I think accept me - but even then, part of it is just an act, and afterwards I go over every little thing I said and did and berate myself for sounding so stupid. I feel best when I'm by myself with no people to have to interact with. When I used to work, I always ate by myself. When I was in school, I never had more than one really good friend at a time. When I used to be very active in church, I always sat alone (if I wasn't in the choir) because I wasn't sure anyone would want me to sit with them. I have had some of my loneliest times in a room filled with laughing, talking people because I didn't feel I fit in and I didn't know how to "dive" into conversations with people plus I was afraid they wouldn't want me. I left church before and sobbed in my car because I felt so disconnected to everyone else. I sometimes felt like I was walking around with an open "wound" that was just invisible to everyone else. Sometimes when I was really depressed, I just wanted to cry out - "do you see me? can you tell I'm dying inside?" But the thing is - nobody can help us if we don't let them know what's going on inside us.

I'm very much a loner and I find it very hard to even make eye contact with people when I talk to them. I have to force myself to smile at people. I've hidden from people that I saw in stores because I didn't want to make small talk, too. I don't even like being with my extended family because of the "pressure" of having to interact with them. Interacting with people just wears me out. My daughter is only 21 and is the same way. She has no social life at all. She's quiet wherever she goes and she doesn't get together with friends and has never had a boyfriend. But I haven't given up hope that she can have a decent life - she'll NEVER have a perfect life (but who does?) but I've decided that if she can make it through each day and get a bit of happiness every day that will be enough for me.

I do worry about you, even if your depression won't let you believe it. I communicate better online, too. If you knew me in real life, I doubt you'd give me a second glance and maybe I wouldn't worry about you because you appear to be okay. I don't know - but I do know that we're here at the same time for whatever reason and I feel real affection and concern for you. If you ended your life, I would be crushed (I know you don't believe that - but it's true) and I would think about it every day for the rest of my life and I don't even know you in person. So I can only imagine how horrible it would be for people who do know you. My daughter went to middle school with a boy that killed himself a couple of years ago and I still pray for him and for his mother and brother. He was only about 19 and had so much to live for - he just didn't know it.

I promise, I really do hear you when you say that with every milestone you've thought things would get better, but you still have the same problems. I don't have an answer for that except to say that even between your major depressive episodes, you still may have had a low-grade depression. I know I have - even between major depressions, I have dysthymia - a low-level chronic depression. It will really "do a number" on your feelings about yourself and others and your hope for the future.

Every single thing you describe sounds exactly like depression talking. Just know that there is hope that things will get better - you're working on your depression and your difficulty with connections and you and your therapist will make progress together - just don't give up. You're doing all you can and that's all you can do. Now you just hang in there until the depression passes. Just do what you have to do every day and try to get a little enjoyment from each day, no matter how small. Look forward to the concert and to biking across your state - that is so cool and definitely something to look forward to!!! I wish my knees and hip joints would let me do that!!!

And remember this, too - there were a few days there when you felt much better and more optimistic - those days can come again. You know, sometimes I'm so down that I'm on this thread practically wallowing around in despair, but then the next day or the next week, I'm better.

So, don't give up. We're here for you and we really, really do care. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Miller emoticon

Edited by: MILLERISHEALTHY at: 3/25/2013 (21:16)
"The present is what slips by us while we’re pondering the past and worrying about the future. - Ziggy

"The groundwork of all happiness is health."
Leigh Hunt

"Comparison is the thief of joy."
Theodore Roosevelt


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3/25/13 8:58 P

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Linnea-this is great that you took your walk today. I wanted to but waited until it stopped snowing but it just started to rain instead of snowing.
Your salmon dinner reminded me of my vacation with my late Dad.I was about 12 at this time. He went fishing everyday and we ate a lot of freshwater fish. We didn't want to do the dishes so we just wiped the plates clean with bread LOL When my Mom discovered our practices she was so mad at us!

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3/25/13 8:55 P

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Linnea - Great Job on doing the walk! emoticon

It is interesting how people that are in there 80's or more don't worry so much about what other people think. I feel like that some times because I've wasted so much of my life. I feel like I just can't care any more. I've heard others talk about how they just don't care any more what other people think of them. I couldn't understand. I've always been afraid lose my job, home, or family. Well, you know what I lost all that any way. Now I just want to the best me I can be so I can help others.

Another thing I have had to face is self pity is a place I stay in because it is so familiar. I feel so justified. Now I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I think I must have gone through something similar to this before I got into AA. I was given the gift of desperation. I didn't think things would ever change. I had completely given up on life. When I went to the first meeting I cried for the first time in some 15-20 years.

Recovery isn't for people that need it, it is for people that want it. That is true for everything in life. My desire to break free from the cycle of depression/happy is just a little more than the consuming feeling of being trapped.



Peace Out,

Terri


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3/25/13 6:23 P

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konnichiwa minna. I noticed something today while doing my Japanese. They don't use capital letters. I've noticed before but thought nothing of it. But I thought I'd share that with you all. I did an hour of Japanese. I did 30minutes of new stuff and then 30 minutes on a new profile of the stuff I've learned.

Mom is worried that I'm not drawing. I know that part of it is that her chair isn't comfortable. Its not wide enough for me. So she says that I need to buy a new chair and that she and dad need to take me to get that done. I happen to agree. I just need the money.

I took my walk today. I really didn't want to. Mom had called right before I left so by the time we finished talking is was almost 3. But I walked anyway even though I was like its late I don't want to walk this late. And the thoughts of coming across other people like kids and those who get off work. Oh my mind went nuts. And to make matters worse I did come across people. Nothing really happened but I don't want to be seen if I can help it.

So now I'm home and I'm hot. I should really turn on the fan but I'm not going to. Don't ask me why because I don't understand why I won't either. I wish I had called my sister day. I think I'll have salmon for dinner with some rice. And I have to do dishes. Oh joy.



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3/25/13 5:38 P

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Cybria-I am so sorry you are going through this. sending you a lot of hugs. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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3/25/13 5:35 P

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Llama-I forgot. It is also possible that your sadness and feeling low is related to the medicine you are taking.

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3/25/13 5:30 P

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Thank you for this link....I can vouch for Recovery Inc. being a great program. It's been awhile since i went to a meeting but it helped me through a very hard time in my life.

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3/25/13 5:26 P

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Llama-I am an introvert, too. I rarely start conversations with people. I am not good at small talk. My classmates always thought me haughty and unpleasant because I didn't talk during recesses and preferred to stay by myself. Sometimes I wanted to be part of a group, but I just wasn't good at that.
You didn't ruin your relationship with your husband. Depression changed it, but it doesn't mean it's ruined.
You don't have to be like other people. You are you.
You don't have to be perfect in your own eyes, because there's not such thing as perfection.
You don't have to be happy-go-lucky, talkative and always smiling.

I think you might want to check the thread here on this group's forum about CBT. A lot of insight from Miller and Mirium, corresponding with what Marilyn just said.


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3/25/13 4:49 P

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Ok I found a post from 2007 on another team that explains the 10 Cognitive Distortionsa of Depression. It refers to a book by Dr. David Burns. I used that book the first time I was diagnosed with depression. It is an excellent book and worth the read. Here is the link: www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/team_mes
sa
geboard_thread.asp?board=0x1950x1032R>4616

Be gentle with yourself Llama, you deserve it!
Marilyn emoticon

Life is what you make of it. Choose to be happy about something Now! Choose to make your life an adventure.


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I've been going through it for the past four days or so. I had to end a relationship that wasn't doing me any good. I still care deeply for this person but the time just came to move on. I had to sell my macbook to pay bills and rent because I just haven't been able to work lately. That involved juggling lots of craigslist emails and no-shows, which was stressful as hell. Either I start working soon or I have to go on disability...for depression. it's so frustrating when you really want to be independent. I got into a bad argument with my younger sister last night. She's a selfish person and she gets into arguments with people on a regular basis. I just decided I'm through with her drama and can't put up with it anymore. I ended the night by downing an entire box of girl scout cookies. I was crying my eyes out for a good hour and couldn't sleep until 7 in the morning. I'm just so low this morning. I miss my friend I broke things off with. I miss my laptop that I'd watch youtube on at night to soothe me. I am furious with my sister and to top it all off I am flat broke....I wish I could afford to start seeing my therapist again. I can only hope that things will start getting better soon.

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3/25/13 4:36 P

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Llama, I genuinely care and worry about you too! I understand the depression makes it difficult to believe right now. Is it possible your relationships are also better than you perceive because you are in such a deep dark hole right now? It could be like your observations with Principal when you believed they were just awful and were about to be fired but she thought you did a good job. Remember that depression, especially such a deep one messes with the way we think! What you are saying sounds to me like depression talking. There are 10 cognitive distortion a that depression uses to cloud our thinking. I will find a link and post it shortly. But it sounds like you are probably using all or nothing thinking, mind reading, predicting the future etc. I will find that info about the 10 types soon. In the meantime, a group session I went to had us ask ourselves five questions when we get in a situation like you are in. They are:
1. Is this really true?
2. Where is the evidence?
3. How likely is this?
4. Is there another explanation?
5. How would someone else see this? Or turn it around, What would I tell a friend with this problem?
Give it some thought! Also try some deep breathing.
You are a important part of our team and would be missed. WE CARE ABOUT YOU! Even while you are having trouble caring about You!
Hugs and positive energy,
Marilyn

Life is what you make of it. Choose to be happy about something Now! Choose to make your life an adventure.


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3/25/13 4:23 P

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Miller, thanks for your reply. I think I've said before, and I'll repeat, I appreciate the way that you respond kindly to what people post here. Thank you.

I've pretty much killed my relationship with my husband. We're nothing more than roommates right now. I've been tending to avoid people at church who care about me-my pastors, and a few others who would ask how I'm doing and want a real answer. It's stupid of me to hide from these people, but I do it anyway.

I've always struggled to connect with people. In both high school and college I was basically mute. I went to class silently, sat silently, and left silently. Now at school, when I used to eat in the teachers' lounge I'd usually do it silently. Now I eat in my office...it's easier and I get some introvert time. After church, I look around for people to talk to, and everyone's talking to someone already, so I just go home. When I see someone I know out and about, I hope that they don't see me because I don't want to make small talk. It never goes away.

I've lived through two other major depressive episodes, during both of which I felt suicidal. I'm not sure that either of those episodes were as bad as this one. This one just feels darker. Maybe that's because I'm in it right now.

It's kind of you to say that you worry about me. Stupid depression doesn't let me believe it. I fake being okay so much in person that I doubt you'd worry if you knew me in real life. I communicate so much better with people when I can edit what I say.

I've not had anyone close to me commit suicide. I believe suicide affects the people who know the person who loses his/her life. For me, I just wish I could disappear and no one would notice. I know that's not how it works. I thought of something I read-"Do I have to continue in my living hell just so that you won't be sad?" I wouldn't go as far as describing my life as a living hell. Just dark and empty and sad and small inside, fake on the outside.

I wish that life would get better. Every milestone I've told myself that and it hasn't been true. In high school-college will be better. In college-teaching will be better. Teaching--? What's next after that? I have the same problems, and I don't know that they'll ever go away.

I won't do it. I have concert tickets for a band that I've listened to for several years and have never seen live. Concert's next week. I'd like to make it to that concert.

In the summer I'm supposed to bike across my state. I haven't started training for it, because frankly, I haven't felt like it. But I told myself I wouldn't do it because I'm going to go on this ride in June.

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3/25/13 4:21 P

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Hey Kristina, I just read a great quote that you might appreciate right now too. It is from Deepak Chopra, The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success. '"Today I will accept, people, situations, circumstances and events as they occur." This means I will know that this moment is as it should be, because the whole universe is as it should be. This moment -- The one you are experiencing right now -- is the culmination of all the moments you have experienced in the past. This moment is as it is because the universe is as it is.' He goes on to say that you might want the future to be different but you must accept now as it is and you need to take responsibility for changing things for the future to be as you desire. It is from chapter 4 of the book if you are interested as I may not have explained it well. Ok here I go again doubting myself. How I take it is accept now as the way things are meant to be, but I strafed of getting upset that things are not as you wish take steps to change, yourself to make the future different. I think your conversation with your DH is an excellent example of this principle.
Now to accept that at this moment I have things to do so that in my future I can be happy and proud of myself to have a clean and uncluttered house! Thanks for clarifying my mind just as I needed it. Hope it may have helped you too. Hugs
Marilyn

Life is what you make of it. Choose to be happy about something Now! Choose to make your life an adventure.


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3/25/13 3:59 P

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Hubby and I had a long talk this morning. He does understand that he is beginning to pick up his mother's bad habits and has asked me to help him as much as I can break them or not get as bad as her. We ended up having a car payment come out without planning on it, so he asked his mother for some financial help and she agreed as long as I paid it back with the refund, so at least I will not be overdrawn this week.

There is still the possibility that this friend of daughter's will come. Seems her father is having arguments with the ex-step-mother about "being and indian-giver" and not going through with the promised graduation gift. He then contacted me about his daughter's safety here and to thank me for how much of a friend my daughter has been to his daughter. I was shocked since he basically has no interest in his daughter, but I think this was eye opening for him. He said that if it wasn't for my daughter's friendship, his daughter would have attempted suicide at least 3-4 times already. He also said that if he had the money, he would send her here for the 2 weeks. I will know soon, I hope as I need to make arrangements.

Working on a deep clean for my house again. It's amazing the dog hair and sand in this house after just 2-3 days. We will be getting the two other cats late this week. As far as animals, we currently have: Buddy, 6 year old dog; Deacon, 16 month old dog and Sammy, 6 year old cat. All neutered males. Then we will be adding Oreo, a 3 year old cat and Socks, a teenaged cat and I think both neutered males. Not sure if one of them is a spayed female or not.

Things are better, all in all. Just really frustrated about a lot of things, but I am working them out little by little.

Kristina

"Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read." - Mark Twain


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3/25/13 2:45 P

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Miller-hugs to you. Take it easy today and get well soon! emoticon

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3/25/13 2:44 P

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DH called from work. He is taking two days off so we will clean arm in arm LOL!!!!

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Lovestowalk. Good buys and keep on tracking. Sometimes it takes a while to find a therapist who clicks.
Miller way to go on getting to the dentist hope you feel better soon!
Progress has stalled. Slow going in my room. Just getting distracted. Oh well back at it!
I'm not ignoring everyone else, I just need to clean while I am mostly in the mood. Goal is to get my room cleaned Nd start on the purging in the laundry/storage room today.
Hugs and good vibes everyone. Rocking out now to "I Feel Good"
Marilyn

Life is what you make of it. Choose to be happy about something Now! Choose to make your life an adventure.


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3/25/13 2:19 P

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Lovestowalk-cream of wheat and oatmeal is a great idea. i was thinking about you when I started cooking dinner for my family. I looked at the bananas and thought that they would be also very good for you. I know what you mean about not being ready to eat intuitively. I also thought that your diarrhea and being sick might have caused your bad mood and recent eating problems. I hope it will get better and you'll be able to walk and hike a lot this spring.

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3/25/13 1:44 P

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I bought flavored oatmeal and cream of wheat so I can have something sweet that isn't empty calories (also inexpensive). I'm feeling a bit better. I don't like seeing a therapist. When I do, I usually feel worse, not better. I see an internist for my medication. I using the nutrition tracker to make sure I eat a variety of food. When I forget to track, I seem to only want to eat nutritionally weak foods. Tracking my food helps. I'm not ready to eat intuitively. Maybe when I'm less full of regret. I feel happier when I'm busy so I'm trying to stay busy.



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Hey everybody - I know I responding to posts "out of sequence" today, but I just returned from my dentist appointment and don't feel quite up to answering them all just now. I tried to do a few and I'll do more later. I'm thinking of you all and wishing you well.

Hugs to all!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Miller emoticon

"The present is what slips by us while we’re pondering the past and worrying about the future. - Ziggy

"The groundwork of all happiness is health."
Leigh Hunt

"Comparison is the thief of joy."
Theodore Roosevelt


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3/25/13 1:00 P

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Hello All,

Miller, thank you so much for the well wishes and support. I really do appreciate it a lot. I really hope that you will be able to figure out your emotional and feelings. I know that it is really hard to do that. I am sure that it will still take you a long time to over come it. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Hope you will do well.

Our temp this morning was 23, it is now at noon 49. I will take that any day. The warmer the better. I am so sorry for those that are still getting snow. Your time will come too where you will start to get warmer temps. We do have somewhat of a breeze. We have snow flurries and rain in our forecast. I hope that it is all rain and that it is warm enough so that it doesn't freeze on the road ways.

I was up again this morning at 5:30 am. I went to bed around 8 pm and went to sleep. I woke up again at 11:30 pm and stayed up until after 1 am. Then I wake up again a 5:30 am, I was having some pains in my lower back and down my legs. I always have pains. I wish they would just stop. I have had enough of them for awhile. I wish that I would be able to sleep straight through. I am going to try taking my sleeping pill early and then see if that is enough for me to stay asleep all night long. We shall see.

Tomorrow night I get to go and have another Sleep Study done. It is because I have Sleep Apnea. It is a test to see how many times you stop breathing during the time that you are sleeping. It requires me to stay there overnight. What they do is hook up all kinds of wires to your head and some on your body, and then you are to go to bed and while you are sleeping they monitor how many times I stop breathing. This will be the 3rd time I am having it done. I have to use a Bi-pap machine at night that will push me to breath if I do not. The readings from my machine's report log has me stopping to breath too many times, so they have to find out how many times I do so that they can set my machine to the proper settings. The machine has a card that inserts into the side of it and it records all the readings that is happening with the machine. Every time I have to go and see my lung doctor I have to bring that card with me so that they can download it and read what has been happening. After the study they will let the doctor know of the results of the test and then they will have someone come out to my home and adjust my machine to what it should be now. I really hate having it done, but if I want the accurate machine readings then I need to do this.

Scott isn't too happy because he would have to drop me off for 8:30 pm and then have to come and get me before 6 am. I can drive but haven't for a really long time because of the med's that I am on. I told him that I would drive him in-town to the store to get his soda and if I did pretty good with that then I would consider driving myself downtown, there and back. I just will not take the med's until I get back home safe and sound. He actually deserves a break because he has been bringing me to all of my doctor appointments and stuff for a really long time. So, yeah, he should get a break. He does so much for me and I should show him how much I appreciate it.

Hope everyone can enjoy their day.

Best wishes to all!


I will keep you all in my Thoughts and Prayers

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3/25/13 12:59 P

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LLAMA, my heart goes out to you today. I'm so sorry that you're so sad about your lack of connections with other people. I have to admit that I'm a little bit confused because it seems to me that you have made connections in the past. You're married, and that type of long-term relationship takes a lot of "being able to connect." Also, you seem to have made a connection with folks at your church, as well as your mentor teacher. Do you and your therapist feel that your connections aren't easy for you? Or that they're not deep enough, or something like that? You don't have to answer if you don't want to - it's just that I don't understand why you think you're not making proper "connections." What evidence is there for that conclusion?

I wish you had been able to cry today - it might have made you feel better and it would have been okay to cry in front of your therapist. I've cried many, many times in therapy. I don't like it - but sometimes I can't help it. I also understand about not being able to cry - sometimes I have that problem, too, but I don't know what causes it. Sometimes I wish so much that I could cry because I know I'd feel better afterward, but the tears just won't come.

I'm glad you told your therapist about the reading you did online about suicide. It's best to be totally open about these things. In the past, I've done research online about suicide, too, but I know I would never do it. I lived long enough to know that about myself. I don't really know you well enough, though, so I have to take your word that you won't do it, but I still worry about you.

I know you sometimes feel that people aren't "there" for you or maybe don't want to be "there" for you or that maybe they're only there for you because you're depressed. But that's not true. I would want to be here for you even if your depression went away tomorrow. I think you're an interesting and intelligent woman and I'd enjoy talking to you even if you weren't depressed. Have you ever had anyone close to you commit suicide? People that do it think that no one will REALLY care, but they are so wrong. Suicide leaves a devastating path of scorched broken hearts and emotional destruction for every life that was ever touched by that person. It's absolutely true. So, please, promise you won't do it.

The most important thing is to not give up - ever. Even when life feels totally worthless or out of control or whatever - if you continue to hang on, it WILL get better. I promise. I'm not just saying that to comfort you. It WILL get better and I truly believe almost 100% of people who have suffered with (and through) depression would tell you the same thing. It's like having an illness (well, it is an illness) that you just have to recover from - and just as with physical illnesses - it takes time.

My best thoughts and wishes are with you. Hang on - life will get better. emoticon

Miller emoticon

Edited by: MILLERISHEALTHY at: 3/25/2013 (13:01)
"The present is what slips by us while we’re pondering the past and worrying about the future. - Ziggy

"The groundwork of all happiness is health."
Leigh Hunt

"Comparison is the thief of joy."
Theodore Roosevelt


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3/25/13 12:30 P

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LOVESTOWALK, I'm sorry you're feeling so sad and lonely. I agree with you about weight loss not being a "cure-all" for everything. I've lost 60 lbs. twice and my joints hurt a lot less, but I still had very poor self-esteem. It wasn't a magic cure for loneliness, depression, etc.

To me, emotional eating is eating when you're not hungry - it's eating when your stomach is full, but your heart is empty. To me, it's eating extra food that my body doesn't need. Just out of curiosity, I looked up a definition for emotional eating online and this is what it says:

"Emotional eating is the practice of consuming large quantities of food -- usually "comfort" or junk foods -- in response to feelings instead of hunger. Experts estimate that 75% of overeating is caused by emotions."

I don't know if that help you figure out if you're an emotional eater, or not, but I know that I am. I'm trying very hard to be forgiving of myself for being an emotional eater because I know it comes from pain - emptiness - depression.

I don't know if I will ever stop - probably not - until I figure out some healthy way to deal with my feelings and emotions.

Hugs and Blessings, emoticon emoticon

Miller emoticon

"The present is what slips by us while we’re pondering the past and worrying about the future. - Ziggy

"The groundwork of all happiness is health."
Leigh Hunt

"Comparison is the thief of joy."
Theodore Roosevelt


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3/25/13 12:18 P

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Onicam-it is a huge challenge. And we all have to be very careful. I got really scared because my sister recently went to the hospital after falling on ice. Luckily, she is back home and feeling good. I hope the weather improves soon and you will be able to walk outside with pleasure and safety.


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3/25/13 12:16 P

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I'm feeling really sad today. It makes me feel more depressed when I think about how I can't connect with people, and that's what therapy was about today. Not so much what to do about it, but that it exists for me and contributes to depression. I felt like crying in session today-even from the moment I walked in the door and we hadn't started talking yet. I can't cry though. Every time I try to let it out I just can't do it.

I also talked about how I was reading about suicide online yesterday. I was looking into the method that I shared with therapist last week to see if people were successful or not using it. I didn't want to talk about this, but I did because I promised myself that I would be open in therapy.

I'm just feeling really down today.

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3/25/13 12:09 P

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Otis a challenge to move with2 inches of snow when you do not see well

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Thanks Marta, mine are complex too. Growing up the house was very "lived in" requiring a major clean before company. I did however take it to an extreme in my own room. However Mom and I both have suffered depression and so I never let it get me down. Now my sister is the only one of four that turned into a perfectionist about cleaning. She has relaxed a bit since her 9 yr old son was born but it is still always pretty clean. Now both of my ex husbands grew up in immaculately kept homes. It led to some stresses although after his complaints I had to laugh at what a disaster my first ex let his place become. Lol. Anyways my house was for sale for a year and although I'm not in love with cleaning, I did learn to appreciate a clean house. So I'm trying to get back to that state a year after moving. Go me!

Life is what you make of it. Choose to be happy about something Now! Choose to make your life an adventure.


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3/25/13 11:57 A

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I need to prevent issues such as diabetes. Starting next year the insurance the not going to be able to pay for anything that relates to being overweight.

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Marilyn-I have same feelings about cleaning as you!! My attitude towards cleaning is also a little bit complicated because my Mom is a house perfectionist and we were always forced to some extreme cleaning actions LOL I am a big girl now, but still feel rebelious sometimes andt let the place to get messy just because I can, heehee.

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