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11/21/12 12:19 A

I guess many of us have had friend issues. Thanks for the feedback and support. I appreciate it.

I will try 1 more time to talk with vicki and see what happens. If she doesn't talk with me, I will write her and then it is up to her.

If my expressing that I was hurt by an e mail she sent is enough for her to destroy a 223 year old friendship then it is truly her loss. I feel I deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, the way I treat others.

Nancy

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11/20/12 2:20 P

It's really hard sometimes to know what is going on with other people's lives and their minds.
Even a small comment can set some people off and you don't even know that you have done or said to have offended them. If you can talk to them to resolve the issue, or you need to move on and not grieve over the loss of the friendship.

I have two friends, one that I knew for many years who got offended over some question I had asked about another friend she knew. The question" was she married, did she have someone to help her? " She said the person was quite ill all the time. Since then my old friend will not call or speak to me except to write two nasty emails in response to mine and no response to my apology card and Christmas card or other emails. I guess what offended her was that fact that she is single and that her friend is single but I had no idea my question would set her off. I knew she was stressed by her mother's death and illness and had told her she needed to take breaks for herself. She even refused to answer our old roommate's call or my email notifying her that old roommate wanted to visit with her. I did not hear from her until she called to tell me our old roommate died. I have not heard from her since we tried to make arrangements to send flowers. I wonder why she did not want to see our old roommate and if she regrets her decision to not answer her phone calls. I think that depression or some other emotional issues is making her refuse to have communications with old roommates.

I had an old high school friend who even came to help me at my wedding. I miss her a lot.
Her husband had a company which he started with many friends' money and it went broke.
They lost their home, apartment and business. She refused to answer emails, phone calls, etc. I dropped off a present when I was in town and never heard from her. Too many of their investor friends were dunning them, I guess. I contacted her husband by email when I found his new job email recently but he did not answer. I wanted to get her address to send her a check or gift card. I know she is very depressed and angry. I was not able to offer them financial assistance at the level they needed. A wealthy friend had loaned them a million but it was not enough to bail them out.

You can try your best to see if your friends will reconcile with you but if not, just try to accept that they may have problems that you can't deal with and try to make other friends. I had another friend who stopped answering phone calls and I cannot think what I did to offend her. She said my little dog bit her but I did not see him bite her. She said it was not a scratch but a bite. I asked if I could help pay the medicals but she said no as she had insurance coverage. I don't know if she expected me to offer her money for her pain or if she got offended at some joke I made. She did not say. I dropped off a plant and a present for her at Christmas one year plus a card to apologize if I had offended her in some way and got a call from her but have not seen her except for once when she dropped in my class to say hello to everyone. I guess sometimes there is no answer as to why a friendship ends but you just must move on and make other friends. It sometimes is not because of you or something you did, but how they misconstrue the situation or comment or something else. But it is not your fault or your problem.

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11/20/12 1:31 P

I don't know quite what to say but I wanted to give you a hug.

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11/19/12 4:55 A

Nancy - a friend is a friend ......... warts and all. We love them for the unique being that they are. We don't have to agree with them all of the time, and we don't have to like them all of the time. We just need to allow them to be them, and they to allow us to be us.

I hope that you can find it in your soul to forgive her because it was quite likely that she didn't mean to hurt you. True friends DON'T intend to hurt!

BIG hugs,
Kris


Edited by: SLIMMERKIWI at: 11/19/2012 (04:55)

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11/19/12 12:46 A

Nancy, I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. I wish I knew the answer to your question, but I don't really have any friends at this stage in my life. There's one or two people I hear from once or twice a year, but that's it. When I was younger and had friends (twenties & thirties), I had some of the same problems you describe( especially in my early years). It seems like somebody was always getting mad at somebody else, or somebody's feelings were getting hurt all the time. I never knew if it was me or them.

When I'm friends with someone, I try very hard not to act like I should be "number 1" in their life, because I know there are always other people they're going to like more than me. I learned not to take offense at this, but just to take what friendship people were willing go give me. That said, occasionally, when I was younger and had friends, once and a while there would be someone who I felt was "smothering" me or requiring too much of my attention. It was hard to disentangle myself from them without hurting them.

There's a real art to friendship and it's very tricky - especially if you're dealing with people who have issues. I have "issues," so I'm not trying to slam anyone. I'm just trying to say that if you have a group of friends who are all secure within themselves, have good self-esteem, are cooperative and out for the greater good of others and aren't selfish or catty or petty or any of those things, then communication and getting along is not that hard.

But if you have a group of friends who aren't secure in themselves, don't have good self-esteem, etc. then problems are bound to pop up from time to time. I am extremely careful not to hurt anyone's feelings, but at times I have, and I didn't even realize I was doing it. I learned over the years, to put my ego and defensiveness aside, and try to see things from the other person's perspective.

I'm really not trying to "toot my own horn" but there are very few people out in the world who are willing to really examine themselves and their own motives and take responsibility and apologize when they are wrong. My husband says the only reason I can do this (when others in my family can't) is because I've had so much psychotherapy in and out of hospitals and I've had to examine myself so closely.

I doubt if anything I've said helps you, but I think it would be nice if you could talk to your friend that you've been estranged from to find out what went wrong. You could just send her a card that says something like, "I miss you and our friendship. I hope I didn't do anything to push you away or offend you, but if I did, I'm truly sorry. I would never intentionally hurt you and I wish we could be close again." I don't know if that would work - it's just a thought.

Good luck and hang in there!

Miller

PS - You know, going back and re-reading your post, I realized that you said SHE said hurtful things to you and was non-supportive, so my idea of an apology card is probably way off base

Edited by: MPN5621 at: 11/19/2012 (00:55)

Posts: 1,154
11/19/12 12:24 A

I am feeling just worn out from life, struggles, illness and physical and emotional pain and conflicts. I probably did not tell you that I called Vicki(Vicki has been a good friend for 22 years but she has said very harsh, unsupportive things to me and has not been there for me since I moved 2 years ago and am still ill) 2 weeks ago and told her on my message that I hoped her hubby's surgery went well and that she should call me when she has a chance since I want to talk to her. I only heard from her via e mail saying they were out of town and then another e mail saying Ron's surgery was o.k. So that situation is still hanging over my head. I have been having dreams about her and the whole situation between us whatever it is so I need to lay this to rest after I speak my mind but I need to talk with her to do that.

Then Friday I got an e mail from my writer friend P.J. saying she was hurt and so upset when I invited her to join our bible study because she had originally months ago decided that we would have a bible study in her home and yet it has never worked out. She felt like I was dismissing her ministry and throwing her under the bus when all I was doing was trying to do something nice. Plus she feels like I am too busy for her with my lyme treatment 2-3 times a week (she has lyme too), and friend stuff with others so I think there is some jealousy there. OMG I spent a long time talking with her on the phone and between that, treatment last week, my doctor dying I felt the last drop of energy just sucked out of me mentally, emotionally, and physically.

What is your opinion on all this??? Why do friendships and communication have to be so difficult??
Nancy