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POPEYETHETURTLE's Photo POPEYETHETURTLE SparkPoints: (218,246)
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2/12/07 12:03 A

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Ladies,

I’m standing just outside the door, with it slightly opened, and knocking to get your attention.

I want to assure you that most men feel that a male thing that abuses his wife is a disgusting slime ball. It’s really difficult to get past the thought that any woman is an adult and not rationally capable of making a decision to leave the relationship. Until a guy realizes an abused woman is not rationally, that she is being ruled by deep seated emotions that tell her that her man should be protecting her, a man has no chance of convincing an abused woman to leave the relationship. Neither do her girl friends. You have to understand that you are dealing with deep, basic emotions that are making the abused person psychotic. Getting through to someone who is being abused usually takes someone highly skilled, or it takes luck, or it takes a desperate move on the part of the abused person to wrench themselves out of the relationship (I’m saying abused person, because many men are in abusive relationships, but don’t know it or admit it. For men, the abuse is usually mental and emotional).

Almost all of the abusers were in abusive relationships as children. However, that does not give THEM permission to be abusers. Until they can see how badly they are hurting their family and make the change themselves, the abuse will continue. Very few abusers ever see the light. The response is almost always denial first, and then it’s the fault of the abused person for “forcing” them to take the action that they did. That BS excuse also is an affective defense against the abused person, because it starts to make them think, “Well, I ‘Did’ do such and so . . . “ Everyone is entitled to stand up for themselves and against abuse.

Now, as far as abuse of children is concerned, I’m of the old fashioned school that says if a child does something wrong, they should be corrected. In my personal experience, little girls understand being corrected almost immediately. I have actually heard a little girl complain to her dad that she would rather be spanked then talked to, “because it would only hurt a little while then”. On the other hand, most young male’s brains reside in their backside. After you’ve explained something to the boy once, he will inevitably mess up the exact same way again. A parent needs to escalate the punishment to a “time out” or something like that with no access to comic books, TV or video games. Many boys still will just not get it, and corporal punishment applied to the backside will shake their brains loose and get their attention enough that the negative reinforcement of the particular negative behavior has a chance to take affect. Beating or otherwise physically mistreating a child is NEVER warranted. Period. I’ve walked over to (usually male) parents that are abusing a child in public and told them to stop. Every time, it has focused their rage on me. Yelling at me doesn’t bother me (unless the guy has bad breath), neither does telling me it’s “family business” and none of mine. I then inform them that my spouse, friend, son, etc., has dialed 911 on the cell and is ready to call the Police. Furthermore, whatever he does, what ever he has done to this point WILL be reported to Child Protective Services.

I’ve only had a few men threaten me, but for some reason, when I just smile and tell them they get the first swing, they get rattled and leave. We always take down a license plate number and report the incident – unless they walk away, wherein we call the police, give a description and the direction they were walking. Unfortunately, grabbing the SOB and beating “him” senseless is not a legal alternative. It goes totally against my better judgment.

Ladies, just know you are not alone in wanting this behavior to stop, but remember it has a psychological component, too. I held my memories of my 13 months in Vietnam inside, denying the entire time that I had let it bother me. When I did my Humpty Dumpty, it took them 10 weeks in the local psych hospital to put the big pieces back. I’ve spent the last 2.5 years trying to find the smaller pieces.

I hope it helps to know that some Martians stand side by side with Venusians.

Bob
aka Popeye emoticon

"A government big enough to give everything you want is also big enough to take everything you have."
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DWDMOTHERHEN's Photo DWDMOTHERHEN Posts: 6,889
2/11/07 9:33 P

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We all need to push for tougher sentences for these so-called "men." I don't know if longer prison terms are a deterrent or not, and I don't care, because I'll tell you what, while they're in jail they're not using any women as punching bags! Let's put the blame where it belongs, on the cowardly slimebags who beat and abuse women, and get them off of the street. I commend you for your perseverence in trying to protect another woman and make this creep pay. Unfortunately, some people insis ton learning the hard way.

Edited by: DWDMOTHERHEN at: 2/11/2007 (21:36)
My blog for women with depression is:
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My "dealing with issues" blog is:
motherhensnest.wordpress.com/

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I am not a medical professional or a trained counselor. Please seek professional advice about treatment options.
NATALIES_NANA's Photo NATALIES_NANA SparkPoints: (0)
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2/11/07 9:32 P

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It sounds like you have done everything right. Now it's up to her. I pray she has the courage to get out. Or he'll get put away.
Kathy
Good luck

Kathy M.



Achieved 1st goal : 35 by my birthday May 28, 2007

Achieved 2nd goal- 70lbs by Sept 16,2007 for my Mom's
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3rd goal 95lbs by December 25th A Christmas present for me.


 
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RENEE38's Photo RENEE38 Posts: 93
2/11/07 9:30 P

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im not just sitting back saying i wish i could help her i am actually trying. he is also the father of my two children i refuse to let him see them even though he was granted visitation. because my kids are to important to be subject to his rage. he is behind on child support so i call friend of court every week an d pressure them to do something. i wrote a letter to our governor about men not taking care of there children and not helping support them they contacted the friend of court to see what they are doing. finally a court date to show cause why he has not been paying. some times we have to stop saying i wish i could do something and not be afraid of trying to make a difference. so sometimes you just have to be honest and help people by just telling them what they do not want to hear.

RENEE


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RENEE38's Photo RENEE38 Posts: 93
2/11/07 9:22 P

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i have already done that. i have let her read my diaries of all the abuse. i have had my son talk to her and let her know how he felt when i was being abused. i have also called the cops and told them how worried i am about her and they agreed. i keep in contact with the prosecutors office to let them know how dangerous he is. he is waiting to go to court on his 4 domestic charge it should have been his four hundreth but always a slap on the wrist.

RENEE


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NATALIES_NANA's Photo NATALIES_NANA SparkPoints: (0)
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2/11/07 9:15 P

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Maybe you could look up the abuse hot line number for her and give them to her. Steer her in the right direction for help. When she does get the courage she'll have the numbers to get the help she needs.
Just a thought.
Kathy

Kathy M.



Achieved 1st goal : 35 by my birthday May 28, 2007

Achieved 2nd goal- 70lbs by Sept 16,2007 for my Mom's
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3rd goal 95lbs by December 25th A Christmas present for me.


 
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RENEE38's Photo RENEE38 Posts: 93
2/11/07 9:10 P

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thank you getting ready to call her and tell her to be strong and get out. if i have to call her everyday and tell her to stand up and stop being a victim i will. i have been brutally honest with her telling what a bad mom she is being putting her kid through that and herself. but she still calls me when something happens i am hopping one day a light will go on and that will be the day she stands up for herself. so not everyone will get out right away or get strong over night but grinding it into there minds that they are worth something is the first step. "honesty is the best policy"

RENEE


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NATALIES_NANA's Photo NATALIES_NANA SparkPoints: (0)
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2/11/07 8:59 P

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I was worried for you. I wasn't sure why you where so upset. I can totally see why. It is so frustrating to see people that you care about so much being hurt. It's good that you felt so comfortable to come here and share. Hope your friend with me alright and seek some help.
Kathy

Kathy M.



Achieved 1st goal : 35 by my birthday May 28, 2007

Achieved 2nd goal- 70lbs by Sept 16,2007 for my Mom's
Birthday.
3rd goal 95lbs by December 25th A Christmas present for me.


 
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RENEE38's Photo RENEE38 Posts: 93
2/11/07 8:48 P

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you i also love the phrase"GOD HELPS THOSE THAT HELP THEMSELVES" MY OLD PASTOR WOULD SAY GOD WILL HELP YOU WITH YOUR BURDENS BUT YOU ALSO HAVE TO HELP YOURSELF. AND I DO NOT WANT TO MAKE ANYONE FEEL BAD BUT IF I FIRE SOMEONE UP AND MAKE THEM THINK HEY I AM WORTH SOMETHING AND I HAVE TO HELP MYSELF A LITTLE AND NOT BE A VICTIM WELL . WELL THAT IS GREAT!

RENEE


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DWDMOTHERHEN's Photo DWDMOTHERHEN Posts: 6,889
2/11/07 8:45 P

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RENEE I totally understand what made you so upset. I appreciate that you did not address anyone in particular when you expressed yourself. I hope that your ex's girlfriend can figure it out soon.
No, I don't want you to stop telling people to stand up for themselves, don't misunderstand me. I think your anger was really obvious though, and that was what I reacted to.

Edited by: DWDMOTHERHEN at: 2/11/2007 (20:49)
My blog for women with depression is:
adarkershadeofblue.wordpress.com/
My "dealing with issues" blog is:
motherhensnest.wordpress.com/

Former Senior Moderator abd Co-moderator of the Dealing with Depression SparkTeam
I am not a medical professional or a trained counselor. Please seek professional advice about treatment options.
NUMBERONEWENDY's Photo NUMBERONEWENDY Posts: 1,482
2/11/07 8:42 P

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well said Jodi.

Edited by: NUMBERONEWENDY at: 2/11/2007 (20:42)
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RENEE38's Photo RENEE38 Posts: 93
2/11/07 8:41 P

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my words were strong that is why it said only strong women need reply! i was some domestic assault sites they say tell the victim what the abuse is doing to her, and that she is worth something and to not let people treat her badly. so no i never think it is wrong to tell someone to be strong and stand up for themselves so i will never apologize for trying to get people to stand up for them selves.

RENEE


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DWDMOTHERHEN's Photo DWDMOTHERHEN Posts: 6,889
2/11/07 8:40 P

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RENEE I think that you said it all when you wrote "you do not have to do it in a mean way." That is my point exactly.
I also have found that a lot of people are more comfortable giving sympathy than speaking directly to the abuse issues, and I agree that is not the most productive way to help abused women or women who are dealing with partners who are cheating. Unfortunately, not everyone is ready to receive that "kick in the butt," so we need to be careful that we don't kick them to the curb first. I usually ask a number of questions before deciding how much of a reality check a particular person is ready to hear.
We need people like you who have been there and done that, but be careful that you aren't asking others to accomplish in a day or two what has taken you years to sort out.
Jodi

My blog for women with depression is:
adarkershadeofblue.wordpress.com/
My "dealing with issues" blog is:
motherhensnest.wordpress.com/

Former Senior Moderator abd Co-moderator of the Dealing with Depression SparkTeam
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NUMBERONEWENDY's Photo NUMBERONEWENDY Posts: 1,482
2/11/07 8:38 P

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by the way...god bless your passion :)

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NUMBERONEWENDY's Photo NUMBERONEWENDY Posts: 1,482
2/11/07 8:33 P

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I see what got you upset...a post here...goodness girl..some posts you need to not get so upset with.

Sometimes when I read here and it effects me... I look up the spark pages and it gives me an idea where the speaking is coming from. My dear Renee take care of you and that is what counts..there are the strong and there are the... I think I am strong but I need to do this or that first....just let it go...Take care of you....I understand you needed to vent..maybe try a blog next time..your words I am sure was meant to come out a certain way that you felt, yet they were very strong that it effected some here that are very strong women and didn't appreciate how you worded yourself. Now that I read more posts I understood your frustration.

Here is a thought, you might have wanted to speak up in that thread to get your point across?

Edited by: NUMBERONEWENDY at: 2/11/2007 (20:35)
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RENEE38's Photo RENEE38 Posts: 93
2/11/07 8:21 P

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i did not call anyone stupid i said i was stupid!!! also i believe in giving people support . and no i am not self righous at all. but i never want to see another woman be taken advantage of and yes i have depression and do quite well with meds and counseling.and tonight i am a little fired up as i heard my x's girlfriend was beat up by him again then made excuses for him

RENEE


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RENEE38's Photo RENEE38 Posts: 93
2/11/07 8:15 P

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i also have been in domestic assault shelters. maybe if people would speak out and not be afraid to i would be better. you do not have to do it in a mean way. but when you make excuses you become a enabler. and the way to help someone become strong is to show them how and to let them know you can stand up for yourself. if more people would have been honest and told me how bad my life was and stop letting someone abuse you i would have been alot better off. but instead they did not want to hurt my feelings so they just comforted me. that is not what i needed i need a swift kick in the but!!!

RENEE


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DWDMOTHERHEN's Photo DWDMOTHERHEN Posts: 6,889
2/11/07 8:15 P

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RENEE Thanks for giving me permission to disagree with you! Renee, you say yourself that you stayed in an abusive relationship for five years, so how can you have so little understanding for other women in the same position? If it took you five years to figure it out, and you are obviously a strong person, then can't you see that this is difficult for women with fewer resources or lower self-esteem? Don't you think that is a little self-righteous of you?
If you believe that women deserve more respect, why are you calling some of us stupid? Please do not use insulting language on this website, which is here to be supportive to all its members!
Yes, I encourage women who are in abusive relationships to value themselves and find a way out, I totally agree with you there, but the last thing a women who is being verbally abused by her partner needs is to come on this website and be insulted by one of us! Let's help our sisters see what is going on honestly, but compassionately, and empower them to believe in themselves, so they can go on to live life with dignity and purpose.
BLACKCAT aka Jodi

My blog for women with depression is:
adarkershadeofblue.wordpress.com/
My "dealing with issues" blog is:
motherhensnest.wordpress.com/

Former Senior Moderator abd Co-moderator of the Dealing with Depression SparkTeam
I am not a medical professional or a trained counselor. Please seek professional advice about treatment options.
NATALIES_NANA's Photo NATALIES_NANA SparkPoints: (0)
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2/11/07 8:14 P

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RENEE,
Do you deal with depression??

Kathy M.



Achieved 1st goal : 35 by my birthday May 28, 2007

Achieved 2nd goal- 70lbs by Sept 16,2007 for my Mom's
Birthday.
3rd goal 95lbs by December 25th A Christmas present for me.


 
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NUMBERONEWENDY's Photo NUMBERONEWENDY Posts: 1,482
2/11/07 8:06 P

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Guess I am not reading those type of posts..I would think this type of comment though would be a silent one to yourself maybe or a blog as not all women are strong I would think. I was in a shelter many moons ago due to situation and found I was a very strong womann for leaving my husband with 2 young children, yet there were other women that couldn't do it. I didn't understand, nor did I judge....

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RENEE38's Photo RENEE38 Posts: 93
2/11/07 8:01 P

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IF YOU HAVE NEVER READ ANYTHING LIKE THIS BEFORE IM SORRY BUT IT EXACTLY HOW I FEEL.

RENEE


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WNTOBESIZE10's Photo WNTOBESIZE10 Posts: 17
2/11/07 8:00 P

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wendy, what do you mean???

carol

Carol


 
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NUMBERONEWENDY's Photo NUMBERONEWENDY Posts: 1,482
2/11/07 7:54 P

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goodness, where did this come from???? I don't believe I have read stuff like that...

Edited by: NUMBERONEWENDY at: 2/11/2007 (19:55)
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RENEE38's Photo RENEE38 Posts: 93
2/11/07 7:50 P

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anyone can feel free to disagree with what i am about to say. now we as women need to stop being stuck on STUPID!!!!I HEAR WOMEN ON HERE SAYING MY HUSBAND CHEATED ON ME BUT HES SORRY,OR I WAS DEPRESSED AND NOT GIVING HIM ATTENTION SO HE CHEATED,or women say my husband treats me badly but i stay with him anyway and so on.you just because we have depression doesnt mean people can treat us badly and take away our selfesteem and dignity.you can still be a strong person and be depressed my husband says that is on of the things he admires about me that i demand respect and am a strong person.but i am not a mean person i am always there to help anyone but i will not sit and agree with anyone if they make excuses for bad behavior i have been with my husband 1 and half years we have never had a fight or have never said one unkind word to eachother. i was in a abusive relationship for 5 years and absolutely refuse to ever be that stupid again.you know dr phil says" you show people how to treat you"so if you show them they can walk all over you they will. but if you show them you are a human being with feelings and that you deserve respect and to be treated with dignity you will be so much happier.PLEASE STAND UP FOR YOURSELF AND QUIT BEING SOMEONES PERSONAL EMOTIONAL PUNCHING BAG, OR THERE PERSONAL DOOR MAT US AS WOMEN SHOULD STAND UP AND PROTECT OUR DIGNITY!!!!

RENEE


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