I’m standing just outside the door, with it slightly opened, and knocking to get your attention.
I want to assure you that most men feel that a male thing that abuses his wife is a disgusting slime ball. It’s really difficult to get past the thought that any woman is an adult and not rationally capable of making a decision to leave the relationship. Until a guy realizes an abused woman is not rationally, that she is being ruled by deep seated emotions that tell her that her man should be protecting her, a man has no chance of convincing an abused woman to leave the relationship. Neither do her girl friends. You have to understand that you are dealing with deep, basic emotions that are making the abused person psychotic. Getting through to someone who is being abused usually takes someone highly skilled, or it takes luck, or it takes a desperate move on the part of the abused person to wrench themselves out of the relationship (I’m saying abused person, because many men are in abusive relationships, but don’t know it or admit it. For men, the abuse is usually mental and emotional).
Almost all of the abusers were in abusive relationships as children. However, that does not give THEM permission to be abusers. Until they can see how badly they are hurting their family and make the change themselves, the abuse will continue. Very few abusers ever see the light. The response is almost always denial first, and then it’s the fault of the abused person for “forcing” them to take the action that they did. That BS excuse also is an affective defense against the abused person, because it starts to make them think, “Well, I ‘Did’ do such and so . . . “ Everyone is entitled to stand up for themselves and against abuse.
Now, as far as abuse of children is concerned, I’m of the old fashioned school that says if a child does something wrong, they should be corrected. In my personal experience, little girls understand being corrected almost immediately. I have actually heard a little girl complain to her dad that she would rather be spanked then talked to, “because it would only hurt a little while then”. On the other hand, most young male’s brains reside in their backside. After you’ve explained something to the boy once, he will inevitably mess up the exact same way again. A parent needs to escalate the punishment to a “time out” or something like that with no access to comic books, TV or video games. Many boys still will just not get it, and corporal punishment applied to the backside will shake their brains loose and get their attention enough that the negative reinforcement of the particular negative behavior has a chance to take affect. Beating or otherwise physically mistreating a child is NEVER warranted. Period. I’ve walked over to (usually male) parents that are abusing a child in public and told them to stop. Every time, it has focused their rage on me. Yelling at me doesn’t bother me (unless the guy has bad breath), neither does telling me it’s “family business” and none of mine. I then inform them that my spouse, friend, son, etc., has dialed 911 on the cell and is ready to call the Police. Furthermore, whatever he does, what ever he has done to this point WILL be reported to Child Protective Services.
I’ve only had a few men threaten me, but for some reason, when I just smile and tell them they get the first swing, they get rattled and leave. We always take down a license plate number and report the incident – unless they walk away, wherein we call the police, give a description and the direction they were walking. Unfortunately, grabbing the SOB and beating “him” senseless is not a legal alternative. It goes totally against my better judgment.
Ladies, just know you are not alone in wanting this behavior to stop, but remember it has a psychological component, too. I held my memories of my 13 months in Vietnam inside, denying the entire time that I had let it bother me. When I did my Humpty Dumpty, it took them 10 weeks in the local psych hospital to put the big pieces back. I’ve spent the last 2.5 years trying to find the smaller pieces.
I hope it helps to know that some Martians stand side by side with Venusians.