I just wanted to say thank you all for the support and advice. My passion for soccer, cars, the outdoors, and everything else did return. Looking at the situation now I think it was more of me getting myself so worked up then anything else. I can easily say that if I never again feel the way I felt that day it would be too soon.
Hi Briitt. I went to day treatment in 1996 after almost succeeding in killing myself. After being there for almost 2 years, there is definitely one thing I learned. You are responsible for your own happiness. I don't know if you do this, be I was looking externally for my happiness. If that is the case, you will never find it. To this day, that is one of my mantras. It is below my ticker. Take care and stay in touch with the team.
I love SparkPeople
Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
I am responsible for my own happiness.
My name is Bonnie
I lost 122 pounds and have maintained it since 12/28/12.
Too Blessed to be Stressed.
Total SparkPoints: 201,641
SparkPoints Level 22
Fitness Minutes: (34,680) Posts: 22,716 6/18/12 5:22 A
Hi Briitt - I read your Spark Page and have to say - you have quite a way with words - I really enjoyed reading it!
One thing that struck me was that you are eating a vegan diet, but are you doing it properly? Hopefully you are getting supplements to help you with what your body would have normally gotten from being part a carnivore - essential nutrients. I would be inclined to make an appointment with your Dr and explain how you are feeling, and also that you are a vegan. He/she should do some bloods to check whether there are any areas that need addressing. It wouldn't hurt to ask for a referral to a Dietitian, either, to ensure that you ARE getting a healthy mix.
Apart from that, the services of a Therapist and perhaps meds, wouldn't go amiss. This needs to be discussed with your Dr too, because you can be referred on. Also, given that you have previously had serious issues, hopefully a Psychiatrist is part of your health team.
I wish you well for a safe and happy journey, and that soon your cars and soccer are back in your life in a happy and constructive way.
I'm remembering something you wrote in your introductory post on 5/30/12. You told us that you had attempted suicide in 2009. You told us that you are very glad that it was not successful (and so am I, by the way!). I have not heard you speak of receiving mental health care, so I don't know your health care status. But from what you are telling us now, you would be well-served to be seen by a physician---preferably a psychiatrist. Especially since you live in the Pacific Northwest (as I do), you may be more susceptible to Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) due to chronic lower light levels. Depression is nothing to mess around with.
If cost is a factor, almost every community has access to mental health services, with some services available for free or with sliding scale fees. Depression is another chronic illness. You wouldn't skip visiting the physician if you had pneumonia or an infected hand. Mental health care is equally as important as physical health care. A person suffering from depression can, and often is, DEPRESSED ABOUT BEING DEPRESSED. Accepting that depression is a chronic illness and it's not your fault can help eliminate that second layer of depression. Search your mind and heart to see if this is true for you.
Physicians in "general practice," can prescribe anti-depressants. However, they tend to err on the side of conservatism in dosages. Psychiatrists have specialized training in tailoring a plan to the needs of individual patients with problems like depression
Meditation is another thing you can try to help you become more focused. Meditation helps you to avoid pushing the depression out of the way. It allows you to look at your depression, listen to it and view it from different perspectives, and eventually let it go.
Physical exercise also helps with depression Recent research shows that exercise has a statistically significant impact in boosting the mood of experimental subjects:
Seek good counseling. A good counselor will help you to explore your life, your feelings, your insights. You have joined a team of compassionate individuals who are in various stages on their fitness journey. We are willing to listen and to share with other members from our own experience. Stay in touch, okay? You matter and we care.
Edited by: TREATL at: 6/17/2012 (21:28)
Co-Leader, Dealing with Depression Team
"When I say itís you I like, Iím talking about that part of you that knows that life is far more than anything you can ever see or hear or touch. That deep part of you that allows you to stand for those things without which humankind cannot survive. Love that conquers hate, peace that rises triumphant over war, and justice that proves more powerful than greed.Ē Mr. Rogers
I've struggled a lot with these feelings. I decided I need to find something to do outside of myself that makes life better for someone else. I'm still working on the what.
Do you have friends? I find the lack of social connections in my life makes life seem very meaningless at times.
Its normal, I think, for ones interests to change over time. Perhaps try something new and keep trying new things until you find something interesting. (Or maybe the journey to look will bring you joy)
I hope this feeling passes soon.
current weight: 205.0
Fitness Minutes: (2,989) Posts: 264 6/17/12 7:20 P
I'm so sorry that you're feeling this low. It is scary to feel like nothing in the world can make you happy again. Someone on here either said this in a blog or a post and it made some sense so I'll share. They said when they days that they just feel too down to anything that they enjoy, they kind of fake their way through it. Like maybe if you put on a soccer game, and just kept it on even if you didn't feel like watching, maybe after a while you might actually get into it? I don't know. I feel the same way about dancing. I love it so much, but at my weight and horribly messed up knees I will probably never be able to dance again like I used to, but sometimes watching it enough will inspire me to work out and I do end up feeling better. I'll admit sometimes watching it just makes me more depressed that I can't do it but it's worth a shot, right? I hope you feel better soon and don't give up! I know posting here always helps me feel a little better, just venting it out so hopefully that worked for you too. Tomorrow is a new day.
"...it makes me that much stronger, makes me work a little bit harder, makes me that much wiser so thanks for making me a fighter." "..no more, its over." "...but in the end you'll see, YOU WON'T STOP ME! I am a fighter, I ain't gonna stop, there is no turning back, I've had enough!" -"Fighter" by Christina Aguillera (sp?)
Pounds lost: 19.0
Fitness Minutes: (4,473) Posts: 36 6/17/12 5:32 P
So today I've had this very strange feeling, I'm just absolutely completely unhappy with everything. Not only am I unhappy with everything in my life but I feel like there's nothing that can make me happy(which is the strange feeling). I've never in my life even when I was severely depressed some years ago felt this way. It's actually sort of scary for me because if nothing makes me happy then I have no direction. In the past I was always able to think of something that I enjoyed or that I could do to bring some sort of joy which would give me hope. This just feels sort of hopeless and horrible, almost like some sort of nightmare.
Some of my biggest joys in life are cars, the outdoors, and soccer. Cars just seem so dull and "meh" right not and the outdoors just seems very uninteresting. The scariest part for me is soccer though yet I find myself unable to sit through 2 minutes of any soccer match and the thought of playing seems completely stupid and boring. I've been caught trying to figure out my own identity these last few years because I really have had so many directions I want to go but have been trying to figure out the right one for me. So this terrifies me because if this is part of my own identity then there's really no happiness, not even a glimmer. What the heck do you do if nothing in life can make you happy?
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