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12/1/09 5:28 P

MISS_MONET - Thank you for sharing that. I am sure that it will be very helpful for a lot of people.

Kris

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12/1/09 3:48 P

Hey TOTSI,

"I feel like im just existing and not really living."

Oh man... I *SO* relate to that feeling! I feel like I'm stuck in my life and I'm not really progressing. However, all my family members tell me the opposite.

See, I was diagnosed with Panic Disorder two years ago and I've had depression ever since I was a little kid. The depression I've learned to deal with, but the anxiety and panic attacks still get to me. They started after one of my good friends ran across a freeway and got hit by a car. He died at the young age of 21. I'm 22 years old right now, so the whole incident really freaked me out and made me think about my own mortality. Ever since his death I've developed a fear of dying, which keeps my anxiety alive & flourishing. It was really bad a year ago... got to the point where I was having a panic attack every day and I couldn't go out & socialize let alone sit still in class. I ended up taking a leave of absence from my college and returning home to live with my parents. Not the perfect situation since my Mom & I fight like cats & dogs and adds fuel to the anxiety fire BUT I have noticed that ever since I removed myself from my college life that I have calmed my nerves SIGNIFICANTLY. I still get anxious daily -- for me it's the worst at night -- but they're never full blown panic attacks, just mild ones which I can control. Don't get me wrong, I still get intense panic attacks every now & then but thankfully I'm in a place where I have a decent amount of support.

I know it can be hard socializing when you have all these crazy mental issues going on, but you have to try. And by try I mean baby steps. For example, if you can't handle watching a movie at the movie theaters then watch a movie at home with a friend or family member. Have someone with you tho, because if you start to get down or freak out you can pause the movie, hold your friends hand, talk about it, etc. and then restart the movie... or not. The point is doing something social but in a controlled environment where you feel more at ease. If you do this daily it will help prep you for outside social settings. Trust me.

I'm not a big fan of medication because I feel the side-effects outweigh the benefits a lot of the time, but I do rely on Clonopin (anti-anxiety) when I get really worked up. I only take half a pill tho because the thought/idea of overdosing on meds has freaked me out lately... Anyway, since I don't like meds and try to stay away from them, I've been trying to work through my emotions & feelings via natural ways. Eating, Drinking Water, Sleeping, and Exercising -- as cliche as they sound -- do work wonders. Obviously they won't cure us, but they help balance out our moods and keep us energized. I know if I don't take care of these basic essentials I feel like crap and then get anxious because I feel like crap. haha It's a vicious cycle... :P I started taking a supplement called SAM-E which seems to be helping with my down mood... and I'm not even taking the full dose! haha :P

I think the most important thing for you is to open up to your parents and friends about needing their support. I will tell you right now that you cannot get better by yourself. Trust me, I've tried! Doesn't work... which is kind of a blessing because who wants to suffer alone in silence? Let people help you! They love you for a reason! They want to see you better, so don't be scared to let them see you the way that you are. They want to help because they want to see your beautiful smile again. :) Wouldn't you want to help out a friend or family member if they were going through a really tough time? If they were depressed or anxious and felt really alone? Having someone to talk to and vent out your feelings is sooo amazing. I know it makes me feel better and I guarantee you'll feel good to. I also suggest finding a school counselor and/or a local therapist to listen to your problems and help guide your life. I don't know if you're religious or not, but going to church or at least meditating can really help too. I just started going to church for the first time in my life and I do feel like it's calming my fears and giving me more purpose to my life. Plus, I've met a lot of cool people. Kinda kills two birds with one stone. ;)

But yeah... sorry this is so long but I just wanted to share my story with you and let you know that you are not alone in your feelings. You may feel "messed up" but so do I! haha :P

But I know that one day I'm not going to be like this, that one day it will pass or at least it will be so minimal that I will have complete control over all of it. Just takes faith and dedication to getting better. DON'T GIVE UP!! The only person who can really help you IS YOU, so don't quit on yourself!! You can do it, we can help! :)

Edited by: MISS_MONET at: 12/2/2009 (04:17)

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11/28/09 10:51 P

Totsi, here's speculating about something else I've observed.

I've read on your board that you're 23 years old. From hanging out with OCD people over the years, including several of us "obsessive" types, it seems that symptoms wane as we get older. You may be near the worst time of your life OCD-wise (mine was age 21). Perhaps hormones are somehow related, I don't know. For me, bold & obtrusive obsessions gradually waned into more general concerns that have been less severe so than the earlier life-stopping & unending intrusive thoughts. This may not lesson the burden for you right now, but possibly could be thought of as "light at the end of a tunnel". I think our bodies & minds can only tolerate so much. There comes a point where somehow our minds begin to figure a way out of the mental hell. Not something we consciously do, but just begins to happen. For me, it was a combination of external life stage and certain supportive people around me that allowed me to bottom out and start to peek up from the bottom over a 3-month period of time.

Do you ever feel like your thoughts might be rituals? Some of us have experienced that. Don't know that I ever was able to distinguish an obsession from a thought ritual but on some level I've been able to clarify that in a helpful way from time-to-time. Just something to keep in your back pocket in case it ever proves helpful.

for what it's worth
Debbie

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11/28/09 10:09 P

Kris I never was in a place of wonderful. I was in a place of oh maybe this is starting to help a tiny bit well thats out the window. But I know what you mean. I emailed my doctor and told him what happened and asked about maybe a dose change or adding a medication or something. I am just really scared because I have been trying medications for 5 years hundreds and hundreds no joke. and i feel like this nardil is my last chance like they use it as a last resort sort of thing its very old. I think why none of the medicaitons are working for me is because I have intrusive thoughts ocd if you want to call it that and all the medications are mainly for depression. I have that to but right now its the obsessive thoughts that are driving me to tears.

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11/28/09 8:05 P

Totsi, in my informal discussion with OCD peers, it seems that when a medication takes effect, there may be a "honeymoon" effect during which everything seems wonderful. After this, the honeymoon wears off at which point we're still likely functioning better than we were prior to the medication but seemingly less well than during our honeymoon phase. This can lead to a sense of "regressing". That doesn't mean that higher doses of medication may not be helpful, just that experience of plateaus following improvement are not unheard of.

Debbie

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11/28/09 7:15 P

Altho' my depression was of a different type, I also did this when I was put on medication at the very beginning. I was seeing my Dr every 4-5 days, and he noticed the improvement initially, but for the 2nd - 3rd week I went backward a little, then went forward from there. Maybe it is just you adjusting to the meds, but whatever the reason, be sure to speak with your Dr about this.

Take care,
Kris

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11/28/09 6:57 P

I have been on my maoi seroquel for about 4 weeks now. It seemed to help the second week and the third week a little now I feel like a have rebounded back into my symptoms I am so scared and so discouraged. Someone help please.. im at my ends wit

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11/26/09 11:27 A

thanks debbie its good to know im not alone. I will write you whenever needed thats.

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11/24/09 6:14 P

Oh Totsi, I understand worrying about God ... all my original obsessions & compulsive rituals centered around him ... thankfully that's much less so today. But I do understand being caught up by that so feel free to write more on a board or in a message if you want to.

Debbie

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11/24/09 6:09 P

If by "p__" you mean "p.meds" or "P.Dr" it means psych.medications or Psychiatrist or Psychologist.

A medication container is EXCELLENT. I have one - 8 trays (1 for each day of the week plus a spare) and they have 4 compartments for various times of the day. They aren't full-proof, but CAN and DO reduce a lot of medication accidents. They are very commonly used for older people, too. You can also get the pharmacy to make up your medications in "bubble packs" so each days medications are made up into times of day you take them. They state the day of the week and the dose you are taking i.e. breakfast, lunch, etc. They are excellent also, but if you are still in the stage where the Dr is adjusting your dose or medication on a regular basis, then they may not be the best idea because of a lot of extra "add-in's" or "take-outs".

Anyway, your grandma did a wonderful thing just by giving you that little container - a supportive, helpful thing:-)

Take care,
Kris xx

Edited by: SLIMMERKIWI at: 11/24/2009 (18:10)

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11/24/09 5:33 P

Thank you to all that posted back on here. I do have a psychiartist and we are working on my medication. I am an nardil and have been on it for about 3.5 weeks and have noticed some difference but I need more from it. I also take seroquel and lorazepam on a regular basis. You won't beleave what I did today I took my medication twice and pasted out for like 5 hours. Not good. So my grandma gave me a medication container. I really hope this medication continues to work more and more because I want to get off the rest of them and just be on this one. I have already tryed luvox and alll the ssris. I have been praying alot but getting alot of obsessive thoughts about god and maybe hes not going to help me because my prayers are not sincere enough or every bad thought I get I think he is listening and going to punish me. SO i started to go to church last week and I think I am going to keep going because at times I do feel him but at other times when I can't it scared me there few and far between. thank you so much for the posts and what is p___ that short form everyone kepps saying I could have3 sorry I forgot the letters. anyways thanks everyone hugs and kisses

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11/23/09 2:42 P

I've posted on other boards instead of the depression board for a few weeks but really need to vent somewhere now.

Totsi, I have the thought-kind of OCD too. The last few days it's been triggered by PTSD which was triggered by difficulties with the job search and interactions with people that have kept piling on top of one another.

That's all I'll say for now & maybe post on another thread

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11/22/09 4:19 P

I am glad that you realise now that altho' you feel alone on how you feel, you are indeed by no means alone. There are sooo many people who have made similar comments, and by coming here have found some form of therapy and friendship.

I have a feeling that your health issue may not just be Bi-Polar, but also a form of PTSD from the way that some men have treated you in the past.

I had a similar problem when I was in hospital. I had extremely poor treatment from some of the variety of health providers, that they seriously traumatised me on top of the trauma of the bad car accident I was in. As a result I could get very rude and even angry and impatient toward some healthproviders ( but NOT my GP who was literally a lifesaver for me), and when I started seeing Psychologists I had therapy for those feelings, also. It was quite helpful.

Let us know how you get on when you start your counselling, and remember that we are here 24/7, so you need never be alone.

Take care,
Kris

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11/22/09 1:08 P

Hello to everyone on this topic, I feel alittle better cause now I know that I'm not alone on how I feel and the things that I go through. I feel like I'm alone and I dont have no one. No matter what I do it's not good enough.I have notice that I have an problem with any man that be in my presence cause of how I've been treated by men. I show my most anger and moods to them.Especially if they in my home. I'm married but not happy at all and I sometimes want to hurt him, but I look at my kids and think about them. All I have is my kids and sometimes I have to get to myself from everyone. But they are the only ones that keep me going besides the Lord. I suppose to start counciling soon cause I know I'm bipolar and I need help cause I see it getting worse. I'm hoping talking on here with people who has the same feelings can help me cope through this.

Edited by: CASSANDHARR9 at: 11/22/2009 (13:09)

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11/21/09 10:59 P

First - Hugs! And congratulations on reaching out to others. SP is great, not just for learning better eating & exercise habits, but for finding support when you need it the most.

I can relate to OCD of thoughts & not actions and ESPECIALLY thinking constantly about how your mental health is causing problems in all the other areas of your life.

I agree w/Susan about not taking any medications without talking to the doctor who is managing your meds for your depression & OCD. Even herbal supplements can cause interactions or worsening of symptoms.

It is hard to get out of the house when you feel the way you do right now. But staying in the house creates a vicious cycle. Humans are not meant to be isolated from each other, it is unnatural to be sequestered from others. Even if you only get out one day a week, try very hard to venture out of your safe zone. Go to a coffee shop, or a bookstore, a park (if the weather allows) etc. Anywhere where there are other people.

Don't feel alone, we all have depression & other problems-no one person has the same experiences, but we all understand how challenging it is to function. Your friends on the DwD team also understand the annoying & frustrating side effects of medications.

Psychological disorders are like any other chronic illness. They require long-term care & treatments. Depression, OCD, all mental health issues in fact or no different than having cancer or arthritis. It is a real disease process and can affect not just your thinking, but how you feel physically.

I have included a link to the suicide & crisis website for Canada. If you ever feel that you just can't cope, or if you feel like harming yourself or anyone else this site will help you find either a place to go or a kind voice to listen 24/7 including weekends & holidays.

If you are seriously considering harming yourself in any way Do Not Hesitate to call your local emergency services!! Please! Everyone at DwD wants to see you posting here - for as long as you need us. Keep fighting! The world really is a beautiful place, even when we can't see it through the fog of depression.

suicidehotlines.com/canada.html



Edited by: TRAINOF4 at: 11/21/2009 (23:14)

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11/21/09 11:13 A

I also have OCD and have both thoughts and actions that hold me back. But I am on an OCD medication called Fluvoxamine (generic for Luvox). I am a 51 year old female and don't know if that may have something to do with me being on this particular medication. Here's a link about this particular medication:
www.bing.com/health/article.aspx?id=articl
es%2fgs%2fpages%2f0%2f265-2582.htm&br=
lv&q=fluvoxamine
Now you can read up on it and see if you might want to mention it to your doctor. Do not take any medication without consulting with your doctor first. Mind you my symptoms aren't gone, just more controlable. Don't feel alone. As you can tell there are many people here to support you.
Hugs, Susan

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11/21/09 9:46 A

I'm really sorry that it has been such a struggle for u !!the mind is such a powerful thing I want u to know that u are not alone !!
I have struggled with the social anxiety thing as long as I can remember I just force myself out of my comfort zone and have lots mind talks going on !!
I check for my hands being in a fists and try to relax them..I always want to hang my head but I force it up and sometimes even put on a smile
when I want to run I just make sure I am someplace that would draw attention to me and usually I stay put
when I get nervous I talk fast use broken sentences ,and stutter so it can be a challenge but I try to slow my mind down and talk slower
yeah its a constant battle and these are only a few things that work for me we all are different and glad we are the world would be a boring place otherwise don't ya think?
I have a lot of issues too,like feeling invisible ..
but I know life is so short and I want to be a participator so I give it my best shot some days work some don't but at least that's a start
I take alprazolam for my anxiety but only when it gets bad its a generic form of xanax
I also am a christian and prayer works better for me than anything else I have found but I remind myself there is no shame in using medicine when I need to GOD made the mind and gave drs the ability to help us so I use it when I need to but I try not to abuse the medicine and try to find ways that will help me live without the lifetime reliance on drugs
and I am lucky I have wonderful kids who are a support great support system for me but I don't want them to have to be there for me all the time they have lives of there own and I need to learn to be there for myself and make a life of my own
wishing u only the best honey feel free to email me anytime you need just to chat hopefully u do have a support system nearby?..trish

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11/21/09 7:38 A

I have also felt this way. The med trip is a long one sometimes. They just have to find the right one or combination. I agree w/ seeing a HEAD DR. instead of your general practitioner. My GP messed me up really bad w/ switching drugs all the time to find something that worked. Never waiting until one could even take affect. I ended up in the hospital because of this. It was the best thing for me at the time. I was straightened out for a while...have been on a rollercoaster ride for about a year now. Trying new meds and trying to stick w/ them through all of the side effects long enough to see if they'll work.

I'm a Christian and truly believe that if wasn't for my faith I wouldn't be here right now. I'm going to pray for you.

In my prayers-
Rhonda

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11/21/09 6:41 A

I can relate to you...I have bi-polar and it makes me feel like everyone is against me , Like I don't fit in anywhere no matter what I do, I take seroquel to and have been fortunate enough not to gain to much weight only in my belly,and I too have lost all my friends, I was a very outgoing person. But with the meds it has brought me back. I am feeling better and some of my friends are coming back, I have a saying I borrowed form someone else on the web, " there is a reason someone from your past didn't make it to your future".
I take seroquel and paxil, combined they do the trick for me. but it is different for each person. so definitely follow Kris's advice, and see about getting into a P Dr. Good luck and I hope you find your wings... God Bless

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11/20/09 8:26 P

Hi TOTSI123!
I can't say much about OCD, but I can relate to the feeling like you just exist, but your not really alive. It's not a good feeling and I've been there before.

Kris also makes a very good point. I went through 4 or 5 different perscriptions (with about 3 dosage changes for each) until me and my psychiartirst found one that worked.

If you need anyone to talk to message me!
Erin

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11/20/09 6:54 P

Hi, TOTSI123 welcome to our team. You will find a lot of help from the members.

I am sorry about your having to live with OCD - it is an insidious infliction - I know, because my husband has had it for many years.

My question is - Are you seeing a Psychiatrist for this, or is it just you family Dr? My husband had Psyciatric input for about a year. During this they did Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Before seeing a P.Dr, his family Dr put him on Clopress. This worked a bit, for a while, but needed changing. He was then put on Serequel. This also helped him. He had to be taken off that when he had another health issue (unrelated to the meds, but not compatible with what they needed to put him on for that.) THEN because of another health issue again, he had to be changed off that and is now on Efexor-XR 300mg daily. It is quite good for him, and altho' he still suffers from OCD, it is nowhere near like it was prior to any medications. He also never had any side effects re weight-gain etc. either, so he was lucky.

My suggestion is that if you DON'T have a P.Dr, ask your family GP for a referral to one who has very good insight to OCD. IF you already do have one, then make an appointment and go to see him/her as soon as you can.

Remember, too, that we are here to offer you support and friendship. It isn't the same as in the flesh, but it is genuine help and friendship non-the-less. BUT we cannot offer you medical help - for that you need to see your health providers.

Take care, and let us know how you are going.

Kris xx

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11/20/09 5:41 P

Hey everyone I am new to this but I would just like to take the time and reach out to someone out there that might be dealing with the same thing as me. I have been diagnosed with depression anxiety and ocd. My ocd is just thoughts not actions and it keeps me thinking the same thing over and over again. Also I get weird thoughts all the time that come out of no where and they are all about my mental health and how its holding me back and blah blah blah. I am never really in the moment ever because im always distracted by intrusive thoughts. Like probably a hundred an hour. My doctor put me on nardil its a maoi, older drug to see if I can get more releif from my symptoms. I also have social anxiety so I don't go out and have lost contact with all my friends because of it. I am on seroquel right now and it has made me gain like 90 pounds and I can't get off it because before I went on it I couldn't even get out of bed. I feel like im just existing and not really living. Before I got sick I was really outgoing and happy. People were my place of energy and happiness. I feel like my identity has been robbed from me from who I truley am. I have been dealing with this for wbout 7 years now and im only 22. I was better for a while on zoloft but then the doctors took me off it because they said it was my first bought of depression and I only needed to stay on it for a year. I know my illness is more serious then alot of peoples but I just was wondering if there is anyone out there that has a similar problem and what meds have worked for them however I have been on like them all. antidepressants, antipsychotics, antianxiety. I heard there were some new ones out in canada anywho hear of them?? anywho sorry to be such a downer its where im at right now.