SparkPoints: (47,557)
Fitness Minutes: (34,085)
Posts: 1,398
3/24/13 10:57 A

well an update. we had a talk, and her grandparents showed up sooner than we thought. so while they were driving from Massachusetts to Florida. she called and told them. and there responce was better then we prepared for. gm said "although we do not agree with your life style we still love you regardless. I love my In-laws

current weight: 182.0

213 194.75 176.5 158.25

140

SparkPoints: (47,557)
Fitness Minutes: (34,085)
Posts: 1,398
2/10/13 11:57 A

I am overwhelmed with all the loving advice i got here. Reanna is 19 and has been serious with her gf Megan for about 2 years.

current weight: 182.0

213 194.75 176.5 158.25

140

Posts: 34
2/9/13 11:49 A

Lanniemanuel, hats off to you for loving your daughter unconditionally. I agree with the rest of the posters that you don't owe your in-laws any explanation regarding your daughter's sexual orientation. She has to do everything in her own time and sometimes when we come out, it's the family that is the last to be told, largely for the very reason you said.....fear of rejection and disappointment. I'm sure your in-law's are smart enough that they'll pick up on something without anything being said and if they are the kind that they have to know, they'll ask her or you. But hopefully, if it gets to that, your daughter and you will have already negotiated how it will be handled if they approach you first vs her.

Good luck!

Posts: 593
2/8/13 6:49 A

I REALLY understand that fear! It is hard to feel like a disappointment to someone! :-) I am glad for her that you are not part of giving her this pain!

Maybe another piece of advice I could give to you is to have a talk with her about other people's expectations. Maybe she needs to hear from you that the only expectations she needs to live up to are her own expectations for herself. There will be a lot of people in the world who will expect her to be someone she is not (in a lot of various situations), and she needs to be secure enough to know that it is OK to be herself regardless of what others think she should be.

SHE needs to be happy and SHE needs to measure her own success - no one else can do this for a person. So regardless of the grandparents' reaction, if she is happy and being true to herself, then she is successful.

AFTER she has her talk with the grandparents (whenever that is) it might be good (depending on their reaction) to have a private talk with them about how you need them to interact with her. As a parent, you get to set boundaries - so if they do happen to be disapproving, you can very well tell them to keep their disapproval to themselves and focus on the things that they do agree with (her school-work, etc...).

Good luck! How old is your daughter, by the way? Does she have supportive friends?

SparkPoints: (47,557)
Fitness Minutes: (34,085)
Posts: 1,398
2/8/13 6:34 A

thank you all for the suggestions. I will have a talk with her and let her decide when and where to tell them. For her i think it is more of not wanting to break their hearts then fear of being chastised.

current weight: 182.0

213 194.75 176.5 158.25

140

Posts: 107
2/7/13 8:16 A

Hi Lanniemanuel,

First, I am acknowledging that I know near nothing about your family situation, but as you reached out for help, here are some thoughts. My suggestion would be to have a conversation with your daughter regarding your concerns. Your daughter may have a good reason for not telling them, and it may be a violation of her trust if you "come out" for her. If you're uncomfortable with her PDA or concerned that your in-laws may not be okay with it, talk with her about it and see what she thinks. You can't "make" her come out to them or anyone, and coming out for her may hurt your relationship with her. And, what is so bad if the in-laws don't find out -- what's the worst that could happen?

--Kelly

current weight: 222.4

255 243 231 219

207

Posts: 593
2/7/13 8:14 A

Well good for you for being one of the awesome parents who supports their kids!!!! Yay! I wish all parents were like you! And PS - good on you for treating her like any other kid (re: not letting the girlfriend sleep over, etc - my parents were too nervous to talk to me about it in order to set firm rules).


Now on to your question - my advice is that you do neither of the things you suggest.

You should certainly NOT disclose your daughter's identity without her permission! If she asks you to be a messenger, that is one thing, but please don't share her personal identity without her knowledge and blessing.

And you should also not force her to 'come out' to them if she isn't ready.

I would recommend talking to your daughter and tell her that she can tell her grandparent's when she is ready (now or never), but that when she is ready, she should make her delivery in a responsible way (i.e. having an adult conversation with them, and not just showing up with a girl and making out in front of them).

I didn't come out to my grandparents until I was in my mid-20's, even though my parents knew in my mid-teens. If my parents had 'told' I would have been humiliated - I was still coming to terms with it myself, and deciding what it meant in my life, and I wasn't ready to talk to many people about it yet.

Hope that helps!
Thanks for reaching out to us to help your daughter! You are a great parent!

SparkPoints: (47,557)
Fitness Minutes: (34,085)
Posts: 1,398
2/7/13 6:38 A

ok so my daughter is lesbian and dh and i are good with that. in fact the only reason I was upset when i found out is that it was from someone else and that she did not tell me herself. but that was more because she know i would not let her girlfriends stay the night any more. ok back to the topic at hand. my in-laws are comming for a visit and just dont know how to tell them. Should i be the one to tell them or should i make her. We live in Key West and they live in Plymouth MA so we dont seem them often. They are great people but a bit old fasion and I am not sure how to bring it up. But i dont want them to get a big shock when they see My baby girl and her gf hugging and kissing.

current weight: 182.0

213 194.75 176.5 158.25

140