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MICHINMEDIA's Photo MICHINMEDIA SparkPoints: (30,697)
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8/5/08 7:56 P

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Wishing the best for you. Love and prayers, mich

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KR2165's Photo KR2165 SparkPoints: (19,656)
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7/29/08 10:00 P

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Thanks Mary. Your words have been taken to heart. I totally agree. This will be a long process and I'm not sure if I even want the counseling to work, but I'm trying it one more time. Y'all are a wonderful bunch and I love y'all dearly!

Kelly...originally from Denver, CO, but now a Texas girl by choice!

Co-leader--Ladies Who Love Ink

"A diet is the penalty we pay for exceeding the feed limit"


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POODLE.MOMMA's Photo POODLE.MOMMA Posts: 76
7/29/08 3:24 P

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Remember more than anything that no one, and I mean NO ONE should have to take any kind of abuse from a spouse. Having an addiction is no excuse to say or do harmful things to the one you love, so please don't allow him to get away with that behavior or it will only get worse. And please don't allow him use sex (it's not making love after fighting all day) to try to make himself feel better. This is abuse.

Sorry if I'm not as positive as the others, but I've also been there done that with my current spouse who is retired law enforcement. He had an alcohol addiction years ago and used to make me and my kids feel like crap. Fortunately counseling worked for us and he's now a human being again, so I sincerely wish you the best!

Mary W
Help me to be the kind of person my dogs already know I am!


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SLIMMEREVERYDAY's Photo SLIMMEREVERYDAY Posts: 428
7/21/08 11:29 A

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This is HUGE Kelly! I am very excited for you. From past experience, though, don't expect miracles from the first visit... it can take time.

I have to take care of myself first, to be able to take care of the people I love.

I started Sparkpeople on 5/9/08 at 205 lbs. My ticker shows my start weight as 209 which was my highest weight in late April.


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VALEROWE's Photo VALEROWE Posts: 116
7/21/08 10:14 A

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AWESOME! Especially that he's agreed to take part in it. Wishing you both the best. emoticon

Vaya con perro!


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COLEISMYSOUL's Photo COLEISMYSOUL Posts: 1,806
7/21/08 8:01 A

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Sending hugs and prayers.


KR2165's Photo KR2165 SparkPoints: (19,656)
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7/21/08 3:36 A

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We have our first counseling appt later this week. Will keep everyone posted as to how that goes.

Kelly...originally from Denver, CO, but now a Texas girl by choice!

Co-leader--Ladies Who Love Ink

"A diet is the penalty we pay for exceeding the feed limit"


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KR2165's Photo KR2165 SparkPoints: (19,656)
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7/12/08 3:42 A

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I love y'all! Thank you all for your kind words and all of y'all's wisdom! I am taking all of what y'all say to heart...Bless you all. I'm still going to be around...a lot. I'm just gonna hang in there! He's agreed to go to counseling, so we'll see what happens there.

Kelly...originally from Denver, CO, but now a Texas girl by choice!

Co-leader--Ladies Who Love Ink

"A diet is the penalty we pay for exceeding the feed limit"


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PEBBLESGMC's Photo PEBBLESGMC Posts: 16,380
7/12/08 12:30 A

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I'll pray for you,get conseling no one should just stay and be abused. emoticon

I am so worth this!!
Nothing tastes as good as thinner feels!!
I do random acts of kindness.

A woman is like a tea bag, You never know how strong she is until she's in hot water..... Eleanor Roosevelt

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to Dance in the rain..... Saeeda


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MARY1313's Photo MARY1313 Posts: 5,578
7/12/08 12:05 A

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((((Sweetie)))) I know exactly how you feel. I was married to a cop and most people would be so amazed at the insecurities they feel in their private lives, even though they are very secure in facing death in the eye on the streets. Maybe that is the trade off.

As far as the dipping goes, I am a former smoker so I know how the addiction to nicotine is. It is the hardest thing I ever did to quit. It is an addiction that is worse than heroin. I will tell you that there is a new drug on the market that makes it easy to quit. Much easier than just quitting. It is called chantix and it works by being a nicotine blocker. It blocks it from being able to give you anything that you need, i.e., the "high" that you get from dipping or smoking. It is the same no matter what your delivery system is for the nicotine. Anyway, I just wanted to say that he is probably so pissed off because he is mad at himself because he feels like he can't quit. Men don't like to have to realize the there is something they feel they CAN'T do. How immature, I know, but there is it. You know how babyish they are. My husband also dips (and him a west point grad!). I talked him into using the dip in the pouch so it is not so offensive.

I agree with the previous writer that you need counseling for yourself. you have to learn to put yourself first, whether he is there or not. You can't just live for him. that will suck the life right out of you.

Also, if it comes down to you guys splitting up, get a lawyer BEFORE you tell him what is going to happen. then make sure that it is in the papers that the house will be taken out of your name and you will be indemnified from all harm to your credit for it. then let him be stuck with selling it and you go tra la la la on your own without a big fat mortgage payment. Let him worry about selling it.

I didn't stay with my cop. I just couldn't take the verbal and mental abuse that seems to go with the territory. I am much happier now, but it took years before I trusted anyone with my heart again. I should have gone to counseling, but couldn't afford to go.

Above all else, you are worth taking care of. You are what matters. After all, if you don't care about you, who will?

Hugs & stuff

Mary

Mary in Alabama

If I can quit smoking, I can lose weight!

"How beautiful a day can be
When kindness touches it!" - George Elliston


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PAWSUP!'s Photo PAWSUP! Posts: 5
7/11/08 11:51 P

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Kelly,

I'm so sorry to hear about your day and your troubles. Lots of wise words here, so I won't repeat them, but know you'll be in my prayers. Hang in there, and try to be good to yourself.

Peace and prayers and hugs,

Samantha

"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage."
--Anais Nin

Paws Up! is inspired by the CuteOverload wesbite, dedicated to all things cute and cheerful.


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SLIMMEREVERYDAY's Photo SLIMMEREVERYDAY Posts: 428
7/11/08 4:09 P

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Wow, what a lot to deal with. I wish I could just give you a hug.

I do think Valerowe gave a lot of great advice, if I were to say everything I am thinking, I think it would sound a lot like what she already said. But here are a couple of ideas for you to think about.

I suggest counseling for you on your own, even if he won't go. I think that this is a really big decision, whether or not to continue to have this man in your life, and I think you probably could use some outside guidance. Especially since you said you have struggled with depression. (I have too, so I know what you are talking about).

If most everything else in the marriage worked, I would say just drop the chewing tobacco issue. My husband is one of my best friends and I love him dearly. But I tell you, if he says ANYTHING, I mean even THINKS ANYTHING about my addiction (food) problems it sends me in the complete opposite direction. I think when other people try to control or give input into our addiction issues it tends to send most people into a rebellious rage. So, I think your current approach is backfiring.

You can lead by example (point out the healthy ways you are dealing with your own addiction issues) and you can reward him (Wow, you smell great, lets go spend some time in the bedroom)but I think when you go beyond that you get into these roles of Mother vs. naughty boy and he just ends up rebelling.

Lastly, I think the most important thing we have to remember when dealing with men... use logic, logic, logic. When we come at them with a lot of emotion they just shut down. They "go into their caves" - if you ever read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" I think you would find a lot of it applies to what you two have going on.

I hope there is something here that helps. Know that we wish you the best and are hoping you are feeling better about this situation soon!

emoticon

I have to take care of myself first, to be able to take care of the people I love.

I started Sparkpeople on 5/9/08 at 205 lbs. My ticker shows my start weight as 209 which was my highest weight in late April.


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KR2165's Photo KR2165 SparkPoints: (19,656)
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7/11/08 1:35 P

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I appreciate your words of wisdom. Does he adore me or does he just need me? I don't know. He's used me over and over through the years, so I have to sit back and look and try not to read into what he's doing. As far as the love making...I know that's HIS need...to feel loved is to be made loved to and so that makes HIM feel secure and loved, but it makes me feel used...especially after a day like we had. Of course he doesn't have any idea we "had the horrible day we had" cuz I didn't let him know and he was just so totally oblivious to it!

Honestly...to tell you the truth...his dipping was in issue before we got married and I told him so. I even asked to call off the marriage and asked HIM to call of the marriage because of it. I couldn't see past it (the dipping)...it was just something I hated and I couldn't deal with. I told him that...he knew it, he just thought I'd change my mind after we were married. It didn't happen and it's been a battle our whole marriage! I can't stand the taste of it, can't stand the smell of it on his breath. It interferes with our intimacy...has for the entire marriage relationship. I can't help it...I just can't stand the way it smells...it literally makes me gag and it's gotten worse with time.

Travis is a cop. He's insecure about himself. His exwife told him he sucked in the bedroom. I've NEVER told him such. Our whole marriage long (we've just barely been married now for 6 years) I've tried to lift him up (emotionally speaking). I've never left him...he's left me 3 times. This last time he even filed for divorce but he asked to come back after he realized that I was doing great without him. It took several weeks and a lot of time on my knees in prayer to agree to let him come back. I think that was the 2nd biggest mistake of my life! Since he's been back I've gotten fat and unhappy! Not that the fat part is his fault by any means...I take the blame for that, even the unhappiness is not his fault, I just mean to say, I was happier without him in my life and was actually taking care of myself and eating well...exercising and doing what I needed to do for me to take care of me. When I let him back into my life, I had to focus on him (again) and had to start taking care of him and his needs and our relationship once again, which has certainly been a struggle our whole marriage long. Yes, I agree, a marriage takes work...especially ours. Nothing in our marriage has come easy, it never has.

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. I really do appreciate it. Your love is heartfelt and needed...I will breath. I will stand back and try to calm down a bit. I will attempt to talk to him without anger and malice and see if that helps. Yes...tobbacco is a valid addiction...I realize that too well. I just don't know if I want to continue to support him. That's a question I have to ask myself and search in my heart for and again pray about.

Being unhappy is extremely unhealthy for me and depression is a horrible part of my life. I have to look at that as well. Is counseling an option? I don't know, but I'll ask him if he's willing to go again. We've been before after he left the third time, maybe we can try again. He refuses to read books...says they don't help. Chapman's "...love languages" is awesome and right on the mark, but Travis doesn't get it, even after I've told him what my love language is, he won't do what is necessary to show me...in my language...that he loves me. Instead, he goes about "showing me" in all the wrong ways that I don't understand and can't relate to. SIGH...we'll see.

Kelly...originally from Denver, CO, but now a Texas girl by choice!

Co-leader--Ladies Who Love Ink

"A diet is the penalty we pay for exceeding the feed limit"


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VALEROWE's Photo VALEROWE Posts: 116
7/11/08 12:38 P

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Breath. Resolve that today will be better.

I've witnessed many rounds of my husband "quitting" smoking, and it's been quite the journey. Yes, we want our spouses to be healthy, but we need to remember that these are valid ADDICTIONS they're dealing with.

Several times my hubby tried to quit smoking without telling me. I'd notice subtle signs... the ashtrays on the patio stayed empty... there was no pack and lighter next to his car keys on the counter... oh yeah... and that part where he'd be GRUMPY!!!! ;-) As soon as he'd hit that stage, I'd start to think back about the other signs over the previous day, then I'd walk up to him and smile and say "you quit again, didn't you?" But a strong and fast agreement we have is that he has no one to answer to but himself in this. I could no more "make" him quit than he could "make" me lose weight. (I can't think of anyone who responds well to being groused at about being overweight, nomatter how much care and concern is delivered with the message.) He needs your support (I know... don't scream. You know it's true.)

I understand you are really upset, and feelings of betrayal can seep in, but look at the big picture. You listed so many really important things (and yes, one of them IS that he wants to make love to you! How many people out there don't have anyone to love them? Count your lucky stars he still adores you!)

He's struggling. Men don't take well to things they can't control. How can he apologize to you when he may not be able to forgive himself for his own weakness? In the end, he only must answer to himself, and that may be bothering him more than you know.

It sounds like there are other issues coloring this problem, particularly the "t" word (trust). Can you trust that he is at least trying? Can you trust that he is hoping to succeed? If counseling is an option, don't walk, RUN to it. Because our lives are the most precious thing we have, and we need to dedicate ourselves to making them the best we possibly can. Relationships aren't easy. They take real work and effort. You can make this work if you want to.

Thoughts and prayers. emoticon

Vaya con perro!


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KR2165's Photo KR2165 SparkPoints: (19,656)
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7/11/08 12:19 P

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Thanks, I'll try. I'm just so upset. He's being such a jerk.

Kelly...originally from Denver, CO, but now a Texas girl by choice!

Co-leader--Ladies Who Love Ink

"A diet is the penalty we pay for exceeding the feed limit"


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SPANKIE3's Photo SPANKIE3 Posts: 12,808
7/11/08 11:50 A

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Kelly: My heart goes out to you. I know what you are going through. Take a deep breath, keep your chin up. Things will get better. It may take some hard work, but it will work out. Take care.

Sincerely,
Spankie3(maria)

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KR2165's Photo KR2165 SparkPoints: (19,656)
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7/11/08 10:28 A

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Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. My husband and I have been going through this ongoing battle with him and his Copenhagen aka: dipping. 2 months or so ago he PROMISED (again) he was buying his last can of dip. I had gotten up at 4 a.m. (couldn't sleep) and woke him up at 5 a.m. so we could walk. He was really ugly to me at the last part of our walk and yelled at me and he ended up walking on the opposite side of the road. Then after he'd gone to work, I found two receipts at the house (different dates) where he'd purchased Copenhagen...so he hasn't quit...he's just lying to me and deceiving me! Then, when we were on our way to dinner last night I found a third receipt in his vehicle and just looked at him with it in my hand. He just looked at me and said "I fell off the wagon, okay?" No apology...no nothing. I didn't confront him about the other receipts I'd found. I just feel so lied to. Then, last night...after the horrible day (there was more during the day...he'd snapped at me several more times on the phone), he wanted (this is probably way too much information for y'all!) to make love! OH MY GAWD!!! I don't think so! Oh how awful! I just wanted to scream! We've been to counseling before. He's left 3 times and the last time was 3 years ago and he begged to come back and I let him after much time on my knees in prayer. Even though I didn't want to take him back after that last time!!! I was much happier after he'd left cuz he can be so abusive (emotionally and verbally speaking). I've been so miserable since he's been back I'm just sick now! Oh my gosh...I just hate this!!! We just bought this big house in December and the mortgage is so high. How will I ever make it without him if I finally say enough is enough? I haven't trusted him since the last time he's left, which just makes things so miserable for me! I can't stand being lied to! And if he's lying to me about Copenhagen, what else is he lying to me about? He doesn't go to church with me...just refuses! Hates the Catholic church...says it's evil and makes fun of my religion. Oh, I just don't know what to do?

Kelly...originally from Denver, CO, but now a Texas girl by choice!

Co-leader--Ladies Who Love Ink

"A diet is the penalty we pay for exceeding the feed limit"


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