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12/9/07 7:13 A

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Eve's side of the story.

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
"So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied.
"The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It' s these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them
on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain," reported Eve.

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc..........she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced".

"That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right.
I will fix it up right away."

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight.
You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull.
All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so
alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will
immediately create a man from a part of you.
Let's see..........where did I put the useless boob?"

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?


Ania from Australia

BLC26 - Violet Virtuosos

"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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11/28/07 7:04 A

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A rabbi and a priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.

After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt. This must be a sign from God!"

Pointing to the sky, the rabbi continues, "God must have meant that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth."

The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must surely be a sign from God!"

The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this! Here's another miracle! My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break. Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune."

The priest nods in agreement.

The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.

The rabbi takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap on, then hands it back to the priest. The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?"

The rabbi replies, "Nah... I think I'll wait for the police."


Ania from Australia

BLC26 - Violet Virtuosos

"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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11/27/07 7:19 A

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Chaim Rabinowitz applies for a job as a lumberjack.

"Wait a minute Rabinowtiz," says the foreman. "You really don't look like you're cut out for this job. Are you sure you're a lumberjack?"

"Yes," he replies.

"It's just that you're such a little man. Well, let's see what you can do. Can you chop down that tree over there? Hmmm...not bad. How about that big one behind it? In one stroke? This is what I want to see. Very impressive Rabinowitz. Really, I apologize for doubting your ability. I mean, you really don't look like a lumberjack, but you sure can cut trees! Say, where did you learn your trade anyway?"

"Well, for many years I worked in the Sahara Forest."

"You mean the Sahara Desert?"

"Sure. Now it's a desert!"


Ania from Australia

BLC26 - Violet Virtuosos

"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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11/26/07 10:10 P

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I read the Summary of My Last Year on the Computer one to our small group tonight and everyone was rolling in the floor laughing! Thanks! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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11/26/07 9:14 A

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A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog speak, he says, "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.I wanted to help the Israeli government, so I told the Mossad. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

"I uncovered some incredible stuff and was awarded a bunch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars?! This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."

Ania from Australia

BLC26 - Violet Virtuosos

"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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11/26/07 9:12 A

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A woman marries a billionaire.....
once they are married he makes her sign a paper saying she will bury all his MONEY with him!!!!
Her friends are outraged, she stays calm, and about
10 years later he dies.......

At the funeral home everyone was concerned about how she would survive with no money if she buried it with him.......................................
..

After the casket was lowered into the ground, all her dear friends came to her and consoled the grieving widow..................................fin
ally one of them asked her, "Did you bury his money with him?"

Yep, she replied..........
They gasped...............
She looked at them, wiped the tears from her eyes and said,
"I wrote him a check and put in the coffin with him!"


LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLL)LOOLOLOLOLOLOL emoticon

Ania from Australia

BLC26 - Violet Virtuosos

"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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11/25/07 7:31 A

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NEW SUPERMARKET

The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.


Ania from Australia

BLC26 - Violet Virtuosos

"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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11/22/07 4:26 P

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MAN'S WISH...
A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said.



"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said...



"Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said...



"Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific, and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time and finally he said...


"Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."


The Lord replied...



"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Ania from Australia

BLC26 - Violet Virtuosos

"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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11/21/07 5:44 P

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If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it.....

then buy a dog.


If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want .....

then buy a dog.


If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies.....

then buy a dog.


If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores.....

then buy a dog.


If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually.....

then buy a dog.


But, on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness .....




keep scrolling:
















then buy a cat!


Now be honest, you thought I was going to say....then marry a man, didn't you?!?!?!?!?!?!?!


Ania from Australia

BLC26 - Violet Virtuosos

"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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11/21/07 2:29 A

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Why We Love Children !

1) NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now.. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?' 'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. 'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party, as they so often did. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.. '

9) DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into
the hole he goooes.'

10) SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!'



11) BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear.

Ania from Australia

BLC26 - Violet Virtuosos

"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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11/17/07 12:28 P

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LOL, I've seen that one before but it never ceases to make me laugh!

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11/17/07 12:18 P

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SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas
companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way.....

A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has
discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.


Ania from Australia

BLC26 - Violet Virtuosos

"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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11/16/07 1:00 P

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A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says,
"Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're BSing me!
The social worker said yeh, but you started it.


Ania from Australia

BLC26 - Violet Virtuosos

"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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11/15/07 4:02 P

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emoticon emoticon emoticon

Angels Explained by Children


I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold.
-- Gregory, 5

Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why but scientists are working on it.
-- Olive, 9

It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to heaven, then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.
-- Matthew, 9

Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else.
-- Mitchell, 7

My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science.
--Henry, 8

Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows.
-- Jack, 6

Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead.
-- Daniel, 9

When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado.

-- Reagan, 10


Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go north for the winter.
-- Sara, 6


Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter.
-- Jared , 8

All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it.
-- Antonio, 9

My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth.
-- Katelynn, 9

Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it.
-- Vicki, 8

What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them.
--Tommy, 8

Angels help God sort out all the messages he gets every Sunday morning.
---Phil, 9


Ania from Australia

BLC26 - Violet Virtuosos

"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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11/14/07 11:11 A

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did you know that...............
Elections are held in November cause that's when we pick our TURKEYS.

Ania from Australia

BLC26 - Violet Virtuosos

"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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11/13/07 7:11 P

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Says the blonde looking at a box of Cheerios

Neato......Doughnut seeds!


Ania from Australia

BLC26 - Violet Virtuosos

"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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11/12/07 5:45 P

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A Bear goes into a bar and says "I'll have a bourbon ......... and coke.
The bartender says "Why the huge pause?"
The bear says "I've had them all my life."


Ania from Australia

BLC26 - Violet Virtuosos

"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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11/11/07 6:46 P

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Sad News;...
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children: John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.
If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads it.


Ania from Australia

BLC26 - Violet Virtuosos

"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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11/10/07 6:42 P

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An older man goes in for his yearly physical, with his wife tagging along.

When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"

The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!"


Ania from Australia

BLC26 - Violet Virtuosos

"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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11/9/07 5:01 P

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Husband and wife in church. The wife turns to her husband and says 'I just did a silent fart, what should I do?'
He replied, 'Get a new battery for your hearing aid'.


Ania from Australia

BLC26 - Violet Virtuosos

"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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11/8/07 6:24 P

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*I was at the golf store
comparing different kinds
of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type
I had been using. After browsing for
several minutes, I was approached
by one of the good- looking gentlemen
who works at the store. He asked if
he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him
and said,
"I think I like playing with men's balls."




*My sister and I were at the mall and passed
by a store that sold a variety of candy
and nuts As we were looking at
the display case, the boy behind
the counter asked if we needed
any help. I replied,
"No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically,
the boy grinned, and I turned
beet-red and walked away
To this day, my sister has never
let me forget.



*Have you ever asked your child
a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot
of problems with potty training
and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell
for a quick lunch in between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining
room. While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked my
seven-month-old daughter,
and she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not
asked to go potty in a while,
so I asked him if he needed to go,
and he said, "No."
I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child
has had an accident, and I don't
have any clothes with me."
Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't
have an accident?"
"No," he replied. I just KNEW that
he must have had an accident,
because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time,
"Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up,
yanked down his pants, bent over
and spread his cheeks and yelled.
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to
death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and
sat down.
An old couple made me feel better
by thanking me for the best laugh
they'd ever had!



*This had most of the state of
Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female
news anchor who will, in the future,
likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict
snow but don't get any?
A true story. We had a female
news anchor who, the day after
it was supposed to have snowed
and didn't, turned to the
weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8
inches
you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave
the set, but half the crew did too!



While on a flight from New York ,
the Stewardess was busy passing
out peanuts and cokes to everyone.
There were about sixteen flights
lined up waiting to get clearance
to take off.
Then the other Stewardess got a
message from the Pilot that the
tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in
line to take off, and to have
everyone buckle up.
Without thinking she just announced
"Please buckle up, grab your drinks
and hold your nuts, we're taking off!".
No one saw her for the rest of the
flight to Houston, and all the other
Stewardesses were laughing
all the way and so were half of
the passengers.


Ania from Australia

BLC26 - Violet Virtuosos

"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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LESLIEJEAN43's Photo LESLIEJEAN43 Posts: 27,854
11/8/07 7:39 A

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Oh dear, LOL.
Leslie emoticon

"Any idiot can face a crisis. It's the day-to-day living that wears you out."
---Anton Chekhov



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11/7/07 3:34 P

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THE FINAL EXAM

Teachers are going to love this one!!



At Penn State University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an "A" so far. These four friends were so confident that, the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning.



Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.



The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy.... then they turned the page. On the second page was written....



For 95 points: Which tire? _________



Ania from Australia

BLC26 - Violet Virtuosos

"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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LESLIEJEAN43's Photo LESLIEJEAN43 Posts: 27,854
11/7/07 11:14 A

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My son sent me that one; he knows I have depression and that I enjoy black humour about it; I loved it!
Leslie emoticon

"Any idiot can face a crisis. It's the day-to-day living that wears you out."
---Anton Chekhov



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11/7/07 10:10 A

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OMG Leslie! LOL!

~Nicole~


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LESLIEJEAN43's Photo LESLIEJEAN43 Posts: 27,854
11/7/07 8:21 A

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Today I have one for you!

BEST SHORT SCOTTISH JOKE


A guy walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, "Excuse
me Miss, de yee hiv any books on suicide?"


To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her
glasses, and says, "Fouk off, ye'll no bring it back!"

Leslie emoticon

"Any idiot can face a crisis. It's the day-to-day living that wears you out."
---Anton Chekhov



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11/6/07 6:51 P

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You are not kidding me emoticon ?
I am still sometimes complaining about Husband 1.0 after 43 years.
emoticon

Ania from Australia

BLC26 - Violet Virtuosos

"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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LESLIEJEAN43's Photo LESLIEJEAN43 Posts: 27,854
11/6/07 6:40 P

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Good one! I also have complaints about Husband 1.0, Husband 2.0 and Husband 3.0, lol.
Leslie emoticon

"Any idiot can face a crisis. It's the day-to-day living that wears you out."
---Anton Chekhov



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Subject: Computer Hard and Software:
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)
______________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C :\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag, Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support


Ania from Australia

BLC26 - Violet Virtuosos

"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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LESLIEJEAN43's Photo LESLIEJEAN43 Posts: 27,854
11/5/07 7:50 P

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That is hilarious!!! Thanks!
Leslie emoticon

"Any idiot can face a crisis. It's the day-to-day living that wears you out."
---Anton Chekhov



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11/5/07 7:25 P

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Leslie, you will probably like this one too.


Union Rules & Hookers----

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, 'Is this a union house?'

'No,' she replied, 'I'm sorry it isn't.'

'Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?'

'The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,' she answered

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded,

'Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules.'

The man asked, 'And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?' 'The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.'

'That's more like it!' the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.




'I'd like her,' he said.

'I'm sure you would, sir,' said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, 'but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next'.


Ania from Australia

BLC26 - Violet Virtuosos

"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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LESLIEJEAN43's Photo LESLIEJEAN43 Posts: 27,854
11/5/07 5:13 P

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Hahahaha!! I love it.
Leslie emoticon

"Any idiot can face a crisis. It's the day-to-day living that wears you out."
---Anton Chekhov



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11/4/07 5:43 P

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Dear Tide:


I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best . Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.

My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse!

I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.


Ania from Australia

BLC26 - Violet Virtuosos

"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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LESLIEJEAN43's Photo LESLIEJEAN43 Posts: 27,854
11/4/07 3:16 P

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Very good, and, in my experience, very true, lol.
Leslie emoticon

"Any idiot can face a crisis. It's the day-to-day living that wears you out."
---Anton Chekhov



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11/3/07 8:47 P

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Why Pumpkins Are Better Than Men

1. Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from.

2. No matter what your mood is, pumpkins are always ready to greet you with a smile.

3. One usually makes a better pie.

4. They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you!

5. If you don't like the way he looks, you just carve up another face.

6. If he starts smelling up your place, you can just throw him out.

7. From the start you know a pumpkin has an empty, mush filled head to begin with.

8. A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when you want him to be.


Ania from Australia

BLC26 - Violet Virtuosos

"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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LESLIEJEAN43's Photo LESLIEJEAN43 Posts: 27,854
11/2/07 2:34 P

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Hahahaha!! I love it!
Leslie emoticon

"Any idiot can face a crisis. It's the day-to-day living that wears you out."
---Anton Chekhov



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11/2/07 2:30 P

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CIRCLE FLIES

A cowboy from Texas gets pulled over by an Arizona DPS Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a moment later he stops and asks, "Are you callin' me a horse's ass?"

"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for law enforcement to call y'all a horse's ass." "That's a good thing," the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies though".


Ania from Australia

BLC26 - Violet Virtuosos

"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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LESLIEJEAN43's Photo LESLIEJEAN43 Posts: 27,854
11/1/07 6:05 P

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Oh dear, I can relate to the email problems, lol, and I love the one about the 'nun' hahahaha! The Walmart one was a bit of a groaner.....
Thanks!
Leslie emoticon

"Any idiot can face a crisis. It's the day-to-day living that wears you out."
---Anton Chekhov



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11/1/07 2:21 P

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~The Wal-Mart Cat~

A blonde was weed-eating her yard and

Accidentally cut off the tail of her cat

Which was hiding in the grass.

She rushed her cat, along with the tail over

To WALMART!

Why WALMART???






WALMART is the largest retailer in the world!!!


Edited by: ILOVEROSES at: 11/1/2007 (14:23)
Ania from Australia

BLC26 - Violet Virtuosos

"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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10/31/07 7:56 P

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A cabbie picks up a Nun.


She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.


She asks him why he is staring.


He replies:
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."


She answers,
"My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."


"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."


She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."


The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"


"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."


The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.


But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.


"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"


"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
I'm married and I'm Jewish."


The nun says, "That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

Ania from Australia

BLC26 - Violet Virtuosos

"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.
It appears to affect computer owners who were born prior to 1965.

Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. done that!
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail that too!
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. yep!
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. who me?
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. well, darn!
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. oh no -- not again!
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND." and I just hate that!
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." Oh No!


IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."

Ania from Australia

BLC26 - Violet Virtuosos

"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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LESLIEJEAN43's Photo LESLIEJEAN43 Posts: 27,854
10/30/07 10:19 A

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Good ones, Nicole!
Leslie emoticon

"Any idiot can face a crisis. It's the day-to-day living that wears you out."
---Anton Chekhov



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10/29/07 7:47 P

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Short and Funny






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~


My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~

Blessed are those who can give without remembering
And take without forgetting.
~~~~~

The irony of life is that, by the time
You're old enough to know your way
Around, you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think
Of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~

I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~

Every morning is the dawn
of a new error.
~~~~~

The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:

"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"

For those that prefer to think that God is not watching over us....go ahead and delete this.
For the rest of us.....pass this on.





~Nicole~


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LESLIEJEAN43's Photo LESLIEJEAN43 Posts: 27,854
10/29/07 9:04 A

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Great joke!! Thanks!
Leslie emoticon

"Any idiot can face a crisis. It's the day-to-day living that wears you out."
---Anton Chekhov



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10/28/07 5:38 P

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I LOVE that joke Ania! I was raised LDS and we used to tell it the same way only it was the Mormons who think there the only ones here. FUNNY!

~Nicole~


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10/28/07 4:50 P

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Entering into Heaven

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?"

The man says, "Methodist."

St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?"

"Baptist."

"Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.

A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?"

"Jewish."

"Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"

St. Peter tells him, "Well the Jehovah's Witnesses are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here.


Ania from Australia

BLC26 - Violet Virtuosos

"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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LESLIEJEAN43's Photo LESLIEJEAN43 Posts: 27,854
10/28/07 1:50 P

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Hahahaha!! That WOULD be a Happy, happy hour!
Leslie emoticon

"Any idiot can face a crisis. It's the day-to-day living that wears you out."
---Anton Chekhov



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10/27/07 7:10 P

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Happy Hour in Texas


A cowboy is driving down a back road in Texas . A sign in front of a restaurant reads:

HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL

Lobster Tail and Beer

"Lord almighty" he says to himself, "my three favorite things!"


Ania from Australia

BLC26 - Violet Virtuosos

"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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10/27/07 9:29 A

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So funny!

~Nicole~


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LESLIEJEAN43's Photo LESLIEJEAN43 Posts: 27,854
10/27/07 7:44 A

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Thanks, Ania---good ones!
Leslie emoticon

"Any idiot can face a crisis. It's the day-to-day living that wears you out."
---Anton Chekhov



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What, you ask, is 'Butt dust?' Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine; no adult is this creative!

JACK (age 3) was watching his mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his mom goodnight. 'I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her.
Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

D.I. (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt ' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

The Sermon: I think this mom will never forget this particular Sunday sermon... 'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust.' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?

Ania from Australia

BLC26 - Violet Virtuosos

"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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10/26/07 4:50 P

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Sex in the Dark
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figures she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. 'You impotent bastard,'

She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!'

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

'I'll explain the toy . You explain the kids '


Ania from Australia

BLC26 - Violet Virtuosos

"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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10/26/07 4:49 P

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*PARENT** - Job Description*

This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way, I don't believe any of us would have taken the job!!!!

*
POSITION** **:** Mum, Mummy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop **

JOB DESCRIPTION* ***:*

Long term, team players needed, for challenging,permanent work in an, often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and
weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities.
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required. *

RESPONSIBILITIES** **:*

The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $50.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a
pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying
wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets & stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
*Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE** **:

None required unfortunately.** **
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION** **:

Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that university will help them become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS** **:

While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
no stock options are offered;
this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right. **

Forward this on to all the **PARENTS** you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis,
letting them know they are appreciated for the fabulous job they do...

or forward with love to anyone thinking of applying for the job. *


Ania from Australia

BLC26 - Violet Virtuosos

"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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10/26/07 4:44 P

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My friend Doug came up with this one on the spur of the moment when we were walking across campus several years ago. He pointed up at a bird circling overhead and said, "Look, it's an eagle!"
"That doesn't look like an eagle", says I.
"Well of course not", he shot back amazingly quickly, "it's travelling incognito, haven't you ever heard that, "Eagles are Masters of De Skys!?"

Ania from Australia

BLC26 - Violet Virtuosos

"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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10/20/07 10:19 A

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Hahahaha! Loved the lizard and the pilot---too funny!
Leslie emoticon

"Any idiot can face a crisis. It's the day-to-day living that wears you out."
---Anton Chekhov



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10/20/07 10:02 A

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"Lizard Birth"

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome,
including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you
laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something
wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you
help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his
bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking
stressed. I
immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.


"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I
said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I
think she actually said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving,
calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me
(Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged,
deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to
witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked

"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny
little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot
would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next
appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times
with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the
females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son
holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so
cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy
is of her womb, for God's sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal
through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you
privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that
isn't EVER going to happen. . . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male.
And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um .
. um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed,
glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just . just . . . excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied , relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And
then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I
married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just .that . . I'm picturing you
pulling on its . . . its. . . teeny little . . " She gasped for more air to
bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard
and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!



Edited by: RUNNING2HEALTH at: 10/20/2007 (10:03)
~Nicole~


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10/20/07 10:01 A

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* Blonde - Learns To Fly A Helicopter *



A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter.



She went to the airport but the only helicopter available was a SINGLE Seat helicopter.



The Instructor figured it would be all right to let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small planes and he could instruct her via radio.



So up the blonde went. She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly. She reached 2,000 feet. The blonde and the Instructor continued to talk via the radio.



Everything was going smoothly. At 3,000 feet the helicopter suddenly came down quickly, skimming the top of some trees and crashing into the woods.



The Instructor jumped in his jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde was okay.



As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out of the wreckage.



"What happened?" the Instructor asked, "All was going so well until you reached 3,000 feet. What happened then?"







"Well," began the blonde, "The higher I went the colder it became so I turned off the ceiling fan.

Ania from Australia

BLC26 - Violet Virtuosos

"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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10/19/07 9:17 A

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Thanks Ania, thats funny!

~Nicole~


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10/19/07 8:12 A

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A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating. " The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating" .

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."


Ania from Australia

BLC26 - Violet Virtuosos

"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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10/19/07 8:11 A

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Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for
companionship. One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty silver-haired lady sitting alone on a
park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you."
The silver-haired Marcia looked up to see a distinguished looking white-haired gentleman and replied, "Why certainly," and scooted over gently
to give him room to sit down.
For the next two hours the two sat and talked about everything. They discovered that they came from the same part of the country, liked the same
big band music, voted for the same presidential candidates, had long happy marriages and lost their spouses in the last year, and in general agreed
about almost everything.
Finally, the old gentleman cleared his throat and asked sheepishly, "Ma' am, may I ask you two questions?"
With great anticipation Marcia replied, "Why certainly!"
The old gentleman removed a handkerchief from his coat pocket and spread it out on the ground before her. He very gingerly got down on one knee and
looked her softly in the eyes.
"Marcia, I know we've only known each other for a couple of hours, but we have so much in common. I feel I have known you all my life. Will you marry
me and be my wife?"
Marcia grabbed at Jimmie's hands and said, "Why, yes, I will marry you! You have made me so very happy!"
She reached over and kissed him gently on the cheek. Then Marcia said, "You said you had two questions to ask me. What is the second question?"
Jimmie scratched his neck and said, "Will you help me get up?"

Ania from Australia

BLC26 - Violet Virtuosos

"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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10/19/07 6:38 A

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Give this PLENTY of thought, and don't cheat!

I am sending this to my smart friends. I couldn't figure it out till I saw the answers. So see if you can figure out what these words
Have In Common...... ??

Banana
Dresser
Grammar
Potato
Revive
Uneven
Assess

Are You Peeking Or Have You Already Given Up?

Give It Another Try....

You'll kick yourself when you discover the answer. Go back and look at them
again; think hard.

OK... Here You Go.. Hope You Didn't Cheat.


Answer . . . . . .
.












In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same
word!!! Told you it was good!

Did you figure it out? Neither did I.


Ania from Australia

BLC26 - Violet Virtuosos

"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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10/19/07 4:01 A

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Hahahaha! I love it!
Leslie emoticon

"Any idiot can face a crisis. It's the day-to-day living that wears you out."
---Anton Chekhov



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10/19/07 1:42 A

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BEST SHORT JOKE THIS YEAR......

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. "Mom," he asked, "Are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.

Ania from Australia

BLC26 - Violet Virtuosos

"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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10/19/07 1:41 A

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Nicole, I have tears streaming down my face & my stomach hurts from all the laughter.
This one should come with a WARNING. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

Ania from Australia

BLC26 - Violet Virtuosos

"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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10/18/07 1:54 P

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Dear Diary,
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am.
Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out of the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, Insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the HECK would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other stuff too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted ME to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ Barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrill voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year; my wife (the witch) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a vasectomy.



~Nicole~


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10/18/07 1:45 P

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Ania, I've heard that before, but still laughed as hard as I did the first time! emoticon I love it!

~Nicole~


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10/18/07 9:49 A

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LOL!! That's great!
Leslie emoticon

"Any idiot can face a crisis. It's the day-to-day living that wears you out."
---Anton Chekhov



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10/18/07 6:02 A

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A psychologist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy"

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers.

"Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

Ania from Australia

BLC26 - Violet Virtuosos

"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



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10/17/07 12:04 P

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Hahahaha!! I love it!
Leslie emoticon

"Any idiot can face a crisis. It's the day-to-day living that wears you out."
---Anton Chekhov



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It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 25 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.


When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.


At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.


The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.


At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.


She took him by the hand, gently led him thorough the door, and led up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.


When he had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles and fresh squeezed orange juice.


When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup at steaming coffee.


As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge. “All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the dollar for”?.


“Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you”


He said, “F**k him, give him a dollar”,


The lady then said, “The breakfast was my idea"


Ania from Australia

BLC26 - Violet Virtuosos

"I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday, and because of that I choose to be something different tomorrow".
~ Kenn Kihiu



 Pounds lost: 7.0 
 
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