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A Guide to Posting in Your SparkTeam Forum

  FORUM:   General Team Discussion Forum
TOPIC:   FUNNY THINGS 


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LINDALFK
LINDALFK's Photo SparkPoints: (7,311)
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9/6/13 8:23 A

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LOL! That lady could be my Gramma, God Bless her. Thank you for the grins and giggles.
Hugs, Linda :)

"Ride a Draft, they make your butt look smaller."

"No good deed goes unpunished."

"Just Do It!"


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SPARKLEMAMMY
SPARKLEMAMMY's Photo Posts: 53,055
6/13/11 2:28 P

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A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date
with this see-through blouse on and no bra.

Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' And out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs,
And the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die.

She explains to her grandmother That she has friends coming over
And that it is just not appropriate...

The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie.


If you can show off your rose buds,
Then I can display my hanging baskets.

Happy Gardening.

Edited by: SPARKLEMAMMY at: 6/13/2011 (14:30)
¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸. ~ Noeleen.~´¨)
(¸.·´~ (¸.·* ~ (¸.·*
*Dare to be Dazzled*
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SPARKLEMAMMY
SPARKLEMAMMY's Photo Posts: 53,055
6/8/11 4:37 P

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Why She Changed Accommodation


Last week, she checked into the Motel in Bundaberg Queensland in a cabin and was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see
advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills
flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she
felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum....
You get the picture.
She figured, what the heck, I'll give him a call.
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated and she rushed right in,
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone
and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got
in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, baby.

Now how does that sound?"

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸. ~ Noeleen.~´¨)
(¸.·´~ (¸.·* ~ (¸.·*
*Dare to be Dazzled*
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SPARKLEMAMMY
SPARKLEMAMMY's Photo Posts: 53,055
6/8/11 4:36 P

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Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they had each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came round, he and his pal Mick took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Paddy stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.

"Grandma,"' he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like me father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's troubled brown eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, you idiot!!!"

¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸. ~ Noeleen.~´¨)
(¸.·´~ (¸.·* ~ (¸.·*
*Dare to be Dazzled*
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SPARKLEMAMMY
SPARKLEMAMMY's Photo Posts: 53,055
6/8/11 4:28 P

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The Black Bra (as told by a woman)



I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story :
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,






(you are going to love this)










"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸. ~ Noeleen.~´¨)
(¸.·´~ (¸.·* ~ (¸.·*
*Dare to be Dazzled*
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SPARKLEMAMMY
SPARKLEMAMMY's Photo Posts: 53,055
6/8/11 4:23 P

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I defy anyone not to laugh at this!
A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.

They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.

After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly,
"Wow, She's fat!”

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet..

A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms out as far
As they would go and announced; "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"

The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.

The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.

After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue.

Just then her pager began to emit a "beep, beep, beep"
The little boy yelled out, "Run for your f*****g life, she's reversing!!"

¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸. ~ Noeleen.~´¨)
(¸.·´~ (¸.·* ~ (¸.·*
*Dare to be Dazzled*
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SPARKLEMAMMY
SPARKLEMAMMY's Photo Posts: 53,055
6/8/11 3:21 P

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A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained
consciousness.

Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on
the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and
everything, but...

"Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the
fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were
unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 in
insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to
build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did
- better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's
£1000 an inch."

The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you
to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd
better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch
one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be
a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you
decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be
disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping
you make the decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have
you spoken with your wife?"

"I have," says the man.

"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.



"We're having granite worktops."

¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸. ~ Noeleen.~´¨)
(¸.·´~ (¸.·* ~ (¸.·*
*Dare to be Dazzled*
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SPARKLEMAMMY
SPARKLEMAMMY's Photo Posts: 53,055
6/8/11 3:18 P

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A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Traffic Cop: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Traffic Cop: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Traffic Cop: You what!?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The traffic cop is quite stunned.

Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license quizzically.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.


Don't Mess With Mature Ladies

¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸. ~ Noeleen.~´¨)
(¸.·´~ (¸.·* ~ (¸.·*
*Dare to be Dazzled*
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SPARKLEMAMMY
SPARKLEMAMMY's Photo Posts: 53,055
6/8/11 3:04 P

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A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
'Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots,

But they only know to say one thing'

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment.....

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have
two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the
Bible...

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage
with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no
time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house....
As he ushered her in,
She saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...

Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...

After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence...

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,
'Put the beads away, Frank,
Our prayers have been answered!

¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸. ~ Noeleen.~´¨)
(¸.·´~ (¸.·* ~ (¸.·*
*Dare to be Dazzled*
Team Leader
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SPARKLEMAMMY
SPARKLEMAMMY's Photo Posts: 53,055
2/24/11 6:01 P

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TO MAKE YOU SMILE A LITTLE
IMPORTANT MESSAGE
You've no doubt heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine?
I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs.
Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans.
And then the thieves struck again..

My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts.

Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to Me next?

When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world wake up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts - stolen from you and Me! The next time someone you know has something 'lifted',
Look again - was it lifted from you?

THIS IS NOT A HOAX - This is happening to women everywhere every night.

WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

P.. S. Last year I thought someone had stolen my Boobs. I was lying in bed and they were gone!
But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

I thought this was too 'important' not to pass on. Have a wonderful day - with a joy filled heart.
Always remember to Laugh!!
Helps the heart AND the wrinkles!!

P.P.S. Those same thieves just came into my closet and shrank my clothes!

How do they do that????

¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸. ~ Noeleen.~´¨)
(¸.·´~ (¸.·* ~ (¸.·*
*Dare to be Dazzled*
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SPARKLEMAMMY
SPARKLEMAMMY's Photo Posts: 53,055
1/13/11 1:13 P

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TWO NUNS...

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the
last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a
drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the
door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?” calls one of the nuns.

"The Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man, "where do you want the blinds?"

¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸. ~ Noeleen.~´¨)
(¸.·´~ (¸.·* ~ (¸.·*
*Dare to be Dazzled*
Team Leader
Psychic Sparkers
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DIVARTISTA
DIVARTISTA's Photo Posts: 3,205
7/12/10 10:37 P

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The Perfect Husband



Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Honey,it's me. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes'

WOMAN: 'I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new Models. I saw one I really liked.'

MAN: 'How much?'

WOMAN: ' $ 90,000'

MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking
$980,000'

MAN: 'Well,then go ahead and give them an offer of
$ 900,000. They will probably take it. If not,we can go the extra 80 thousand if it's really a pretty good deal.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'

MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'


Without inspiration the best powers of the mind remain dormant. There is a fuel in us which needs to be ignited with SPARKS.
~~Johann Gottfried Von Herder


==============
"I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free."
~Michelangelo
==============
Fall down seven times get up eight.
~JapaneseProverb
==============
You are successful the moment you start moving toward a worthwhile goal.
~Charles Ca


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2ABETRLIFE
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5/23/10 11:32 P

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Good one. However, I prefer the version I heard recently; instead of the IRS and a lawyers, the priest sent for Obama and Pelosi. Even outside the US, that one is probably understood.


Cathi
campaignforliberty.com

dailypaul.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking for long-lost Coogan cousins in Ireland.

Any society that would give up a little liberty to gain a little security will deserve neither and lose both. Benjamin Franklin

It is impossible to walk rapidly and be unhappy.
Mother Teresa


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DIVARTISTA
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5/22/10 2:25 P

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The Pastor on his Death Bed
An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for an Inland Revenue Service agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the Lawyer asked, 'Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?' The old pastor mustered all his strength, and then said weakly,

'Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I'd like to go..'


emoticon

Without inspiration the best powers of the mind remain dormant. There is a fuel in us which needs to be ignited with SPARKS.
~~Johann Gottfried Von Herder


==============
"I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free."
~Michelangelo
==============
Fall down seven times get up eight.
~JapaneseProverb
==============
You are successful the moment you start moving toward a worthwhile goal.
~Charles Ca


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GYPSY_D
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5/14/10 9:49 A

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A man finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in Heaven.
There are some criteria before entry is allowed.
For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No.

St. Peter told him that was too bad.

Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No.

St. Peter was becoming concerned. Exasperated, St. Peter says, "Look, everyone does something nice sometimes. Work with me, I'm trying to help you. Now Think!"

The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her. I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then I spat in his face".

"WOW", said St. Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen?"

"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.

~Dawn~

~You can say "I can do it" or you can say "I can't do it". Either way you're going to be right.

Embrace your Awesomeness!!!

Whispers of Encouragement
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SPARKLEMAMMY
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5/13/10 5:18 P

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Cathi thats a good one emoticon

¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸. ~ Noeleen.~´¨)
(¸.·´~ (¸.·* ~ (¸.·*
*Dare to be Dazzled*
Team Leader
Psychic Sparkers
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2ABETRLIFE
2ABETRLIFE's Photo Posts: 1,145
5/13/10 11:43 A

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Clocks In Heaven

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks for?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie Clock. Every time you tell a lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man, "and whose clock is that?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his life.."

"Where's President Obama's clock?" asked the man.



"Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.."

emoticonemoticonemoticonemoticonemoticonemoticon

Cathi
campaignforliberty.com

dailypaul.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking for long-lost Coogan cousins in Ireland.

Any society that would give up a little liberty to gain a little security will deserve neither and lose both. Benjamin Franklin

It is impossible to walk rapidly and be unhappy.
Mother Teresa


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2ABETRLIFE
2ABETRLIFE's Photo Posts: 1,145
5/13/10 2:02 A

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Good ones Noeleen! Especially the 24 hours to live! LMAO

Cathi
campaignforliberty.com

dailypaul.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking for long-lost Coogan cousins in Ireland.

Any society that would give up a little liberty to gain a little security will deserve neither and lose both. Benjamin Franklin

It is impossible to walk rapidly and be unhappy.
Mother Teresa


 current weight: 231.4 
 
260
228.75
197.5
166.25
135


SPARKLEMAMMY
SPARKLEMAMMY's Photo Posts: 53,055
5/12/10 5:11 P

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MOMS IN GROUP THERAPY

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.


¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸. ~ Noeleen.~´¨)
(¸.·´~ (¸.·* ~ (¸.·*
*Dare to be Dazzled*
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SPARKLEMAMMY
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5/12/10 3:48 P

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Morris Returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the Doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.

Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?'

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours
left.

He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,

'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'

She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.

Morris, however, worried about his impending death,tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.... Do you think we could...'

At this point the wife sits up and says,
'Listen Morris, enough is enough
I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'

¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸. ~ Noeleen.~´¨)
(¸.·´~ (¸.·* ~ (¸.·*
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SPARKLEMAMMY
SPARKLEMAMMY's Photo Posts: 53,055
5/8/10 4:24 P

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They say the two happiest days in life are the day you buy a boat and the day you sell it!! Well, here's a good BOAT story!!

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of guys from out-of-state who sank it.

Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Unbeknownst to him, his brother, John's wife died suddenly. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery.

A kind old neighbour woman mistook him for his Brother John and said: "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The darn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!"

The old woman fainted!

¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸. ~ Noeleen.~´¨)
(¸.·´~ (¸.·* ~ (¸.·*
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SPARKLEMAMMY
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5/8/10 4:21 P

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DO YOU FART IN BED?
-------------------
IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FOR LAUGHING SO HARD, LET ME KNOW AND I'LL PRAY FOR YOU.
----------------
THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.


THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.

EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.

THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE CHRISTMAS DAY MORNING, AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS, NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS, AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.

SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS

SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD.

ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT THE MATTER WAS.

HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'.
'WHAT DO YOU MEAN, ASKED HIS WIFE?

'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP
FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED.'
BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD; WITH SOME VASELINE AND TWO
FINGERS... I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN

¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸. ~ Noeleen.~´¨)
(¸.·´~ (¸.·* ~ (¸.·*
*Dare to be Dazzled*
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SPARKLEMAMMY
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5/8/10 4:10 P

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DOCTOR

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
-----------------
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product. Ice Cream even better everything Cow eats in one package!
-------------------
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. All people who don't drink unhappy happy people live longer so drink more. Bottom up!
-------------------
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.
----------------------
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. More people killed running on street than lying on couch. My philosophy is: No pain...good!
-------------------
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?
--------------------
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
-------------------
Q: What about food additives?
A: You want to complain about something for free? If it added must be better like fuel additive!
----------------
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
-----------------
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..
-------------------
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!
=======================
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

Edited by: SPARKLEMAMMY at: 5/8/2010 (16:12)
¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸. ~ Noeleen.~´¨)
(¸.·´~ (¸.·* ~ (¸.·*
*Dare to be Dazzled*
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MARYMAC45
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5/6/10 8:47 P

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Hi Guys, these are all so funny. Thanks for posting!!!

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

...Robert Frost


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2ABETRLIFE
2ABETRLIFE's Photo Posts: 1,145
5/5/10 9:14 P

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Too funny! I'll have to share this with all my friends who send me the mean jokes about men and see if they think THIS is funny! LOL
emoticon

Edited by: 2ABETRLIFE at: 5/5/2010 (22:07)
Cathi
campaignforliberty.com

dailypaul.com
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Looking for long-lost Coogan cousins in Ireland.

Any society that would give up a little liberty to gain a little security will deserve neither and lose both. Benjamin Franklin

It is impossible to walk rapidly and be unhappy.
Mother Teresa


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SPARKLEMAMMY
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5/5/10 4:03 P

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A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.

Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸. ~ Noeleen.~´¨)
(¸.·´~ (¸.·* ~ (¸.·*
*Dare to be Dazzled*
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2ABETRLIFE
2ABETRLIFE's Photo Posts: 1,145
4/28/10 9:27 P

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Best bar joke EVER

A guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."

The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration, and medical technology

The guy leaves, but he is curious...

So he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100."
The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser, and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time..

He goes back into the bar. The robot says,
"What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.
The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "Uh, about 50.."
The robot leans in real close and says,
"So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?"

Cathi
campaignforliberty.com

dailypaul.com
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Looking for long-lost Coogan cousins in Ireland.

Any society that would give up a little liberty to gain a little security will deserve neither and lose both. Benjamin Franklin

It is impossible to walk rapidly and be unhappy.
Mother Teresa


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2ABETRLIFE
2ABETRLIFE's Photo Posts: 1,145
4/23/10 9:48 P

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RECTUM STRETCHER

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what?........ ..... A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to
side until I can get both hands in, and then I lowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass hole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face....... PRICELESS
For everything else, there's MasterCard

Cathi
campaignforliberty.com

dailypaul.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking for long-lost Coogan cousins in Ireland.

Any society that would give up a little liberty to gain a little security will deserve neither and lose both. Benjamin Franklin

It is impossible to walk rapidly and be unhappy.
Mother Teresa


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MARYMAC45
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4/23/10 3:33 P

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Very good, I love it!

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

...Robert Frost


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2ABETRLIFE
2ABETRLIFE's Photo Posts: 1,145
4/22/10 11:24 P

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AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS

An atheeist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.

He tripped & fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out:
'Oh, my God!'
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? '

'Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'

'Very well', said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'


Cathi
campaignforliberty.com

dailypaul.com
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Looking for long-lost Coogan cousins in Ireland.

Any society that would give up a little liberty to gain a little security will deserve neither and lose both. Benjamin Franklin

It is impossible to walk rapidly and be unhappy.
Mother Teresa


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MARYMAC45
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4/19/10 4:54 P

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Another good one, Thanks Cathi!

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

...Robert Frost


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2ABETRLIFE
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4/19/10 12:23 A

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HOLY EMAIL

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.

God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'


God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?

No, huh.

That's okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.

emoticon

Edited by: 2ABETRLIFE at: 4/19/2010 (00:23)
Cathi
campaignforliberty.com

dailypaul.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking for long-lost Coogan cousins in Ireland.

Any society that would give up a little liberty to gain a little security will deserve neither and lose both. Benjamin Franklin

It is impossible to walk rapidly and be unhappy.
Mother Teresa


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MARYMAC45
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4/16/10 10:05 P

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I've been offline for a few days, computer problems. These are ALL so funny, I've been laughing for an hour.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

...Robert Frost


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2ABETRLIFE
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4/16/10 7:30 P

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A new Publix Supermarket recently opened in Tampa, FL. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and brauts.

In the liquor department, there is the fresh, clean, crisp smell of tapped Miller Lite.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

Cathi
campaignforliberty.com

dailypaul.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking for long-lost Coogan cousins in Ireland.

Any society that would give up a little liberty to gain a little security will deserve neither and lose both. Benjamin Franklin

It is impossible to walk rapidly and be unhappy.
Mother Teresa


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2ABETRLIFE
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4/15/10 4:27 P

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Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and Grandfathers is? Well here it is:

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time -- just him and his granddaughter. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her Grandfather.

"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?"

"Oh yes, Papa" the girl replied, "and do you know what? We didn't see a single a$$ hole, dumb bastard, dip shlt or horse's a$$ anywhere we went today!"

Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
emoticon

Cathi
campaignforliberty.com

dailypaul.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking for long-lost Coogan cousins in Ireland.

Any society that would give up a little liberty to gain a little security will deserve neither and lose both. Benjamin Franklin

It is impossible to walk rapidly and be unhappy.
Mother Teresa


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DIVARTISTA
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4/14/10 10:06 P

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A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5000. The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home. The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????" The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead. I Just cant take that chance!"


Without inspiration the best powers of the mind remain dormant. There is a fuel in us which needs to be ignited with SPARKS.
~~Johann Gottfried Von Herder


==============
"I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free."
~Michelangelo
==============
Fall down seven times get up eight.
~JapaneseProverb
==============
You are successful the moment you start moving toward a worthwhile goal.
~Charles Ca


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2ABETRLIFE
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4/13/10 3:32 A

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HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER

You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying,’ Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.' So he sat down and wrote:


Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER


Cathi
campaignforliberty.com

dailypaul.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking for long-lost Coogan cousins in Ireland.

Any society that would give up a little liberty to gain a little security will deserve neither and lose both. Benjamin Franklin

It is impossible to walk rapidly and be unhappy.
Mother Teresa


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SPARKLEMAMMY
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4/11/10 5:12 P

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It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Fred had a date with Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

'Oh, come on in!' Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. 'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Tea?'

'Tea, please,'Fred said. Mum brought the tea..

'So, what are you and Sue planning to do tonight?'she asked.

'Oh, probably see a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the Wimpy Bar,maybe take a walk on the beach...'

'Sue likes to screw, you know,'Mum informed him.

'Really?'Fred replied; eyebrows rose.

'Oh yes,'Mother continued.'When she goes out with her friends,that's all they do!'

'Is that so?'asked Fred,incredulous.

'Yes,'said Mother.'As a matter Of fact,she'd screw all night if we let her!'

'Well,thanks for the tip!'Fred said as he began thinking about alternative plans for the evening.

A moment later,Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt,and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.She greeted Fred.

'Have fun, kids!'Mother said as they left.

Half an hour later,a completely dishevelled Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

'The Twist, Mum!'she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen.'The f*****G dance is called the Twist!

¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸. ~ Noeleen.~´¨)
(¸.·´~ (¸.·* ~ (¸.·*
*Dare to be Dazzled*
Team Leader
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2ABETRLIFE
2ABETRLIFE's Photo Posts: 1,145
4/9/10 10:52 P

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Love it!
emoticon

Cathi
campaignforliberty.com

dailypaul.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking for long-lost Coogan cousins in Ireland.

Any society that would give up a little liberty to gain a little security will deserve neither and lose both. Benjamin Franklin

It is impossible to walk rapidly and be unhappy.
Mother Teresa


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DIVARTISTA
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4/7/10 11:59 P

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THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A NY GIRL


The first man married a woman from OHIO . He told her that she was
to do the dishes and the house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see
a clean house and dishes washed and put away..




The second man married a woman from MICHIGAN . He gave his wife
orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the
cooking..
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it
was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the
dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.




The third man married a girl from NY. He ordered her to keep the
house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot
meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he
didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had
gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his
arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load
the dishwasher


Without inspiration the best powers of the mind remain dormant. There is a fuel in us which needs to be ignited with SPARKS.
~~Johann Gottfried Von Herder


==============
"I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free."
~Michelangelo
==============
Fall down seven times get up eight.
~JapaneseProverb
==============
You are successful the moment you start moving toward a worthwhile goal.
~Charles Ca


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MARYMAC45
MARYMAC45's Photo SparkPoints: (42,874)
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4/7/10 9:19 P

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Funny!1

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

...Robert Frost


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2ABETRLIFE
2ABETRLIFE's Photo Posts: 1,145
4/4/10 3:34 A

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Good enough to share!
emoticon

Cathi
campaignforliberty.com

dailypaul.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking for long-lost Coogan cousins in Ireland.

Any society that would give up a little liberty to gain a little security will deserve neither and lose both. Benjamin Franklin

It is impossible to walk rapidly and be unhappy.
Mother Teresa


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DIVARTISTA
DIVARTISTA's Photo Posts: 3,205
3/30/10 8:34 P

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emoticon

Without inspiration the best powers of the mind remain dormant. There is a fuel in us which needs to be ignited with SPARKS.
~~Johann Gottfried Von Herder


==============
"I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free."
~Michelangelo
==============
Fall down seven times get up eight.
~JapaneseProverb
==============
You are successful the moment you start moving toward a worthwhile goal.
~Charles Ca


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SPARKLEMAMMY
SPARKLEMAMMY's Photo Posts: 53,055
3/30/10 4:19 P

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The Moral of Auntie Darlene

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'

'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

'That was a fine story Sarah.'

Michael, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Darlene. Aunty Darlene was a flight attendant on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she
ran out of bullets.

Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'


'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'


'Stay the f**k away from Aunty Darlene when she's been drinking.'

¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸. ~ Noeleen.~´¨)
(¸.·´~ (¸.·* ~ (¸.·*
*Dare to be Dazzled*
Team Leader
Psychic Sparkers
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_individual.asp?gid=4237



SPARKLEMAMMY
SPARKLEMAMMY's Photo Posts: 53,055
3/29/10 8:28 A

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Nurses aren't supposed to laugh ........

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing. Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.

"I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied.

She ran out of the room.

¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸. ~ Noeleen.~´¨)
(¸.·´~ (¸.·* ~ (¸.·*
*Dare to be Dazzled*
Team Leader
Psychic Sparkers
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_individual.asp?gid=4237



DIVARTISTA
DIVARTISTA's Photo Posts: 3,205
3/26/10 3:25 P

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WHY HUSBANDS SHOULD REMAIN SILENT

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?"
HUSBAND: .......??

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers ?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would she wear my shoes?"
HUSBAND: "No, her size is 7."

HUSBAND: "Oh crap!"


Without inspiration the best powers of the mind remain dormant. There is a fuel in us which needs to be ignited with SPARKS.
~~Johann Gottfried Von Herder


==============
"I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free."
~Michelangelo
==============
Fall down seven times get up eight.
~JapaneseProverb
==============
You are successful the moment you start moving toward a worthwhile goal.
~Charles Ca


 Pounds lost: 36.0 
 
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DIVARTISTA
DIVARTISTA's Photo Posts: 3,205
3/22/10 5:36 P

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That was cute, Noeleen!

Without inspiration the best powers of the mind remain dormant. There is a fuel in us which needs to be ignited with SPARKS.
~~Johann Gottfried Von Herder


==============
"I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free."
~Michelangelo
==============
Fall down seven times get up eight.
~JapaneseProverb
==============
You are successful the moment you start moving toward a worthwhile goal.
~Charles Ca


 Pounds lost: 36.0 
 
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SPARKLEMAMMY
SPARKLEMAMMY's Photo Posts: 53,055
3/22/10 10:20 A

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The Advantages of living after 50!

Someone had to remind me,

so I'm reminding you too.

Don't laugh.....it is all true...

Perks of reaching 50

or being over 60

and heading towards 70!


01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02.. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 pm and ask, "did I wake you?"

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in

no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15.. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

20.And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

Never, under any circumstances,

take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸. ~ Noeleen.~´¨)
(¸.·´~ (¸.·* ~ (¸.·*
*Dare to be Dazzled*
Team Leader
Psychic Sparkers
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_individual.asp?gid=4237



DIVARTISTA
DIVARTISTA's Photo Posts: 3,205
3/14/10 5:36 P

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THE BOTTLE OF WINE

For all of us who are married, were married, wish we were married,

or wish we were not married.


Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'


The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: ‘Good trade’.






Without inspiration the best powers of the mind remain dormant. There is a fuel in us which needs to be ignited with SPARKS.
~~Johann Gottfried Von Herder


==============
"I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free."
~Michelangelo
==============
Fall down seven times get up eight.
~JapaneseProverb
==============
You are successful the moment you start moving toward a worthwhile goal.
~Charles Ca


 Pounds lost: 36.0 
 
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57


MARYMAC45
MARYMAC45's Photo SparkPoints: (42,874)
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Posts: 3,193
3/10/10 7:04 P

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great!

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

...Robert Frost


 current weight: 135.0 
 
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TENNISNUT46
TENNISNUT46's Photo Posts: 506
3/10/10 3:08 P

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TT, not only were they funny but I learned a few things. Very Nice.
Tara


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DIVARTISTA
DIVARTISTA's Photo Posts: 3,205
3/10/10 2:52 P

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Okay, I know this is super long but it was so interesting I wanted to share. It came to me in an email.
*****************************************************

In the
1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed
to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.

Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'

------------
--------- --------- --------- ----

Many years ago in
Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen
Only...Ladies Forbidden'.. .and thus, the word GOLF entered
into the English language.
------------
--------- --------- --------- ----

The first couple to
be shown in bed together on prime time TV was

Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
------------
--------- --------- --------- ----

Every day more money
is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.
------------
-- ------------ --------- --------

Men can read smaller-print than women can;

women can hear better.
------------
--------- --------- --------- ----


Coca-Cola was originally green.
------------
--------- --------- --------- ----


It is impossible to lick your elbow.
------------
--------- --------- --------- ----

The State with the
highest percentage of people who walk to work:

Alaska
------------
--------- --------- --------- ----


The percentage of
Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
------------
--------- --------- --------- ----


The percentage of
North America that is wilderness: 38%
------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

The cost of raising
a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:

$ 16,400
------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---

The average number
of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour:

61,000
------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---


Intelligent people
have more zinc and copper in their hair..


------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
The first novel ever written on a typewriter,

Tom Sawyer.


------------
-- ------------ --------- --------- --------- -------

The San Francisco Cable Cars

are the only mobile National Monuments..

------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------

Each king in a deck
of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 =

12,345,678,987, 654,321

------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air,

the person died in battle.

If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of

wounds received in battle.

If the horse has all four legs on the ground,

the person died of natural causes

------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

Only two people
signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4, John Hancock
and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but
the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.


------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---

Q. Half of all
Americans live within 50 miles of what?


A. Their birthplace

------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------



Q. Most boat owners
name their boats. What is the most popular boat name
requested?


A.
Obsession

------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------


Q.. If you were to
spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you
would find the letter 'A'?


A. One thousand

------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---

Q. What do
bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser
printers have in common?



A. All were invented by women.

------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?


A. Honey

------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
Q. Which day are-there more collect calls than any other day of the year?

A. Father's Day

------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened,
making the bed firmer to sleep on.

Hence the phrase...'Goodnight , sleep tight'

------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with
all the mead he could drink.

Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as

the honeymoon.
------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them

'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.'

It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'
------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups.

When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service.

'Wet your whistle'
is the phrase inspired by this practice.
------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

Don't delete this just because it looks weird.

Believe it or not, you can read it.



I cdnuolt blveieetaht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.

The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid: acocdrnig to rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the
ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the
first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a
taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This
is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2010 when...


1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.


2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.



4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.



5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.


6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.



7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen


8. Leaving the house without your cell phone,

which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 80) years of your life,

is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.



10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee


11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )



12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.



13. Even worse,

you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.


14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.


15. You actually scrolled back up

to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list


~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.


Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to!

Go lick your elbow.





Edited by: DIVARTISTA at: 3/10/2010 (15:03)
Without inspiration the best powers of the mind remain dormant. There is a fuel in us which needs to be ignited with SPARKS.
~~Johann Gottfried Von Herder


==============
"I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free."
~Michelangelo
==============
Fall down seven times get up eight.
~JapaneseProverb
==============
You are successful the moment you start moving toward a worthwhile goal.
~Charles Ca


 Pounds lost: 36.0 
 
0
14.25
28.5
42.75
57


 
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