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L*I*T*A*
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11/24/13 11:54 A

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A Drug Enforcement Administration agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher.
He told the rancher: "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said: "OK, but don't go into the field over there..." as he pointed out the location.

The DEA agent verbally exploded: "Look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!"
Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge? This badge means I can go wherever I want. On any land! No question asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologised, and went about his chores.

Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the rancher's huge Santa Gertrudis bull and with every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety.
The officer was clearly terrified.

The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs: "YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"


“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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L*I*T*A*
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8/26/11 9:36 A

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Subject: There's a new Doctor's Office in town...

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.
Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist. They put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors." The town council was livid and insisted they change it.
So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign. "Catatonics and High Colonics"... No go.
Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives"... thumbs down. Then came "Minds and Behinds"... still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes"... unacceptable!
So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts"... not a chance.
"Nuts and Butts"... no way.
"Freaks and Cheeks".... still no good.
"Loons and Moons"... forget it.
The docs finally came up with "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Odds and Ends"
Everyone loved it.




“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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JANICE2BME
JANICE2BME's Photo Posts: 92
5/14/11 3:25 P

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Thanks for all the laughter!


 Pounds lost: 12.2 
 
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L*I*T*A*
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5/7/11 2:54 P

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Shampoo Warning:


I figured out why I have been gaining weight. The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my body says…“for more volume & extra body".

So now, I am going to switch to Dawn dish washing liquid.

It says..."dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove".

......So glad I figured this all out!



“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


 April Minutes: 2,160
 
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L*I*T*A*
L*I*T*A*'s Photo SparkPoints: (322,913)
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3/29/11 10:27 P

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Now, don't cheat and look at the answers at the bottom of the email.



A TEST FOR OLD KIDS

I was picky who I sent this to. It had to be those who might actually remember. So have some fun my sharp-witted friends. This is a test for us 'old kids'! The answers are printed below, but don't cheat.

01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, Who was that masked man?
Invariably, someone would answer, I don't know, but he left this behind. What did he leave behind?________________.

02. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all watched them on The _______________ Show.

03 'Get your kicks, __________________.'

04. 'The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed to ___________________.'

05. 'In the jungle, the mighty jungle, _______________.'

06. After the Twist, The Mashed Potato, and the Watusi, we 'danced' under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the '_____________.'

07. Nestle's makes the very best . . . . _______________.'

08. Satchmo was America 's 'Ambassador of Goodwill.' Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was _________________.

09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking? _______________.

10. Red Skeleton's hobo character was named __________________ and Red always ended his television show by saying, 'Good Night, and '________ ________.. '

11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam War did so by burning their______________.

12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front was called the VW. What other names did it go by?
____________ & _______________.

13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, 'the day the music died.' This was a tribute to ____________.

14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it. It was called ___________________.

15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist. It was called the ________________.





ANSWERS :
01. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.
02. The Ed Sullivan Show
03. On Route 66
04. To protect the innocent.
05. The Lion Sleeps Tonight
06. The limbo
07. Chocolate
08. Louis Armstrong
09. The Timex watch
10. Freddy, The Freeloader and 'Good Night and God Bless.'
11. Draft cards (Bras were also burned. Not flags, as some have guessed) 12. Beetle or Bug 13. Buddy Holly 14. Sputnik 15. Hula-hoop

Send this to your 'old' friends, better known as Seniors. It will drive them crazy! And keep them busy and let them forget their aches and pains for a few minutes.










“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


 April Minutes: 2,160
 
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L*I*T*A*
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2/12/11 9:12 P

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Don't mess with Seniors;

they will win any battle of the wits!



A retired Irish priest was transferred to Texas. Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station......

The conversation went like this: ''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?''

''And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn.

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, ''Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!''

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.............................................

Father O'Malley then replied: ''Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.''




“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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RANDOMKINDNESS
Posts: 376
12/21/10 5:08 P

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emoticon



L*I*T*A*
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10/31/10 1:19 P

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One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum
of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child.

Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child
support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and
write 'Spaghetti' on the back when the child was born.

He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin.

One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey,' she said, 'You received a very strange postcard today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and
fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.






“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


 April Minutes: 2,160
 
0
943.75
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2831.25
3775


L*I*T*A*
L*I*T*A*'s Photo SparkPoints: (322,913)
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9/17/10 5:24 P

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Ladies, … here is one for YOU!

Men, read carefully and take note …


A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and 20 wrappers strewn all around the front yard.



The door of his wife's car was open, and so the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.



In the front room the TV was blaring loudly a cartoon channel and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.



In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.



He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.



He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.



As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor.



Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.



As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel.



She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.



He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?'



She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?'



Yes,' was his incredulous reply.



She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.'




“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


 April Minutes: 2,160
 
0
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3775


L*I*T*A*
L*I*T*A*'s Photo SparkPoints: (322,913)
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8/16/10 7:55 A

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World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said: 'NO!' And the girl lived happily ever-after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, traveled more, had many lovers, didn't save money, and had all the hot water to herself. She went to the theatre, never watched sports, never wore friggin' lacy lingerie that went up her ass, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants and was pleasant all the time.

The End



“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


 April Minutes: 2,160
 
0
943.75
1887.5
2831.25
3775


L*I*T*A*
L*I*T*A*'s Photo SparkPoints: (322,913)
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7/13/10 11:34 A

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A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.





WOMEN'S REVENGE

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'



UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.



“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


 April Minutes: 2,160
 
0
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3775


L*I*T*A*
L*I*T*A*'s Photo SparkPoints: (322,913)
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6/26/10 11:18 A

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WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Naragon,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While in the sporting good section handling knives, and spear fishing equipment, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'


And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.


“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


 April Minutes: 2,160
 
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PATRICIAAK
PATRICIAAK's Photo SparkPoints: (210,647)
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6/20/10 1:03 A

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LOL

Have a TERRIFIC day!
Patricia
co-Leader of Emotional Eaters


 current weight: 243.0 
 
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L*I*T*A*
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6/19/10 8:04 P

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This is priceless!

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

(I just love this)


"Ralph, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"




“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


 April Minutes: 2,160
 
0
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1887.5
2831.25
3775


PATRICIAAK
PATRICIAAK's Photo SparkPoints: (210,647)
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5/31/10 3:38 P

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LOL

Have a TERRIFIC day!
Patricia
co-Leader of Emotional Eaters


 current weight: 243.0 
 
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L*I*T*A*
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5/30/10 10:47 P

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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"



(folks, you're gonna luv this)



The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."




(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)


Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!

Have a great day.....






“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


 April Minutes: 2,160
 
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1887.5
2831.25
3775


PATRICIAAK
PATRICIAAK's Photo SparkPoints: (210,647)
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5/16/10 11:01 P

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Good one!

Have a TERRIFIC day!
Patricia
co-Leader of Emotional Eaters


 current weight: 243.0 
 
267
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208.5
179.25
150


L*I*T*A*
L*I*T*A*'s Photo SparkPoints: (322,913)
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5/16/10 10:10 P

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Bran Flakes


The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.


Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.


They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'


The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'





Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!'


The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your darn Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'


“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


 April Minutes: 2,160
 
0
943.75
1887.5
2831.25
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L*I*T*A*
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5/8/10 4:42 P

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emoticonemoticon


“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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5/8/10 12:41 P

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Tough Luck, Amigo

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee outside an Arizona immigration office.

"Good man," the fairy said, "I've been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and eight children."

The man told the fairy, "Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them."

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING !-- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

"What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go."

The refugee claimant now got bolder. "I need a big house with a three car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country.. I want to bring them all over here" --- and -- PING !-- in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.

"One more wish", said the fairy, waving her wand.

"Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero. And I want to have white skin like Americans" ---and --- PING ! -- The man was transformed - wearing worn out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

"What happened to my new teeth?" He wailed, "Where is my new house?"

THIS IS GOOD . . . . . . . .

NO, ACTUALLY THIS IS VERY GOOD . . . . . . .

The fairy said:

"Tough Luck, Amigo, Now that you are a White American, you have to fend for yourself."

Have a TERRIFIC day!
Patricia
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4/29/10 2:13 P

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too funny.........emoticon


“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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4/29/10 11:37 A

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5th Graders

About 90 fifth-graders piled into the airliner I was flying, on their way home from a school trip. Once we were in the air, and the crew began serving drinks, I could hear them pleading with the children to settle down and let the other passengers get some sleep.

No amount of reasoning seemed to help, until I thought of the solution that actually worked. I picked up the PA mike in the cockpit and announced, "Children, this is the captain speaking.

Don't make me stop this airplane and come back there!"

- from ArcaMax Jokes

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4/25/10 6:22 P

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emoticon


“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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Bird Call

Birdwatching is a passion of mine, and my wife has always
been impressed by my ability to identify each species solely
by its song.

To help her learn a little bit about birds, I bought a novelty
kitchen clock that sounds a different bird call for each hour.

We were relaxing in our yard when a cardinal started singing.
"What's that?! I challenge.

She listened closely. "It' three o'clock."

- from Da Mouse Tracks

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4/24/10 2:40 A

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Ouch! but LOL!

Edited by: PATRICIAAK at: 4/24/2010 (02:42)
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4/23/10 10:55 P

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POWER OUTAGE

At my recent assault trial, I offered a plea of
"Guilty with an explanation."

The judge asked me what my explanation was, so I told my
story.

"Your Honor," I said, "I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually
kept. I was met with: 'Hi! I'm Belinda!' This perky clipboard carrier
smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, 'All I
need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then
slip on this gown. Everything clear?'

I'm thinking, 'Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science.' Belinda
skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the
left and said, 'Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so
we can get everything?' 'Fine', I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and
out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and
finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity
(with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass)
when we heard, then felt a zap!

Complete darkness and the power went off! 'Oh, maintenance is working.
Bet they hit a snag.' Belinda said, and headed for the door. 'Excuse me!

You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?' I shouted. Belinda kept
going and said, 'Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the
emergency hall lights. I'll be right back.'

Before I could shout 'NOOOO!' she disappeared. And that's exactly how
Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me .... half-naked with
part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between
glass! After exchanging a polite 'Hi, how's it going' type greeting,
Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power
was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as
possible 'Uh, yes, yes I did thanks.' 'You bet, take care' Bubba
replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the
grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no
attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, 'Oh I am sooo sorry!' The
power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to
lunch. Are we upset?'

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps..."

The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said 'Case Dismissed!!'



“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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4/23/10 10:18 A

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emoticontoo cute..........thanks

Edited by: L*I*T*A* at: 4/23/2010 (10:18)

“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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4/23/10 1:33 A

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Doctor's Office

A lady had been exposed to strep and needed to visit the doctor's office just to have her throat swabbed for a culture. She sat in the waiting room for quite a while with her legs crossed, reading a magazine while other patients came and went. Suddenly her turn was called, but when she stood up to go in, she discovered her leg was "asleep". Not wanting to keep the nurse waiting, she limped and staggered toward the inner office door. She noticed one elderly lady nudging another who sat beside her, as the two of them sympathetically watched her painful progress.

Two minutes later, her procedure completed and her leg back to normal, she walked easily back into the waiting room. As she strode past the two elderly ladies, she overheard one whisper triumphantly to the other, "See, Myrtle, I TOLD you he was a wonderful doctor!"

Have a TERRIFIC day!
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4/15/10 10:03 P

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emoticon


“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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4/15/10 8:40 P

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Fishing

At 1:00 a.m., loading the last of the fishing gear,
Dad realized he had forgotten his car keys on the
kitchen table. We didn't want to wake Mom up,
so I hoisted myself through an unlocked kitchen
window and retrieved the keys.

Trout in hand, we later returned home still laughing
about our "cat burglar" escapade.

"I'm glad you two had such a wonderful time,"
Mom greeted us, "but next time, I wish you'd
remember to lock the front door before leaving."

Have a TERRIFIC day!
Patricia
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4/10/10 11:58 P

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“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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4/10/10 11:56 P

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Birthday

It was Nancy's birthday so her 15-year-old daughter
Bridget fixed dinner for her. Bridget doesn't like to
use the oven, but she did. She also used the microwave.

She put candles (the re-lighting kind, which almost made
Nancy hyperventilate) in mini-eclairs, because Nancy didn't
want to be tempted to have a whole cake around.

After dinner she cleaned up everything and put the dishes
in the sink.

Nancy walked out to the kitchen to clean up the dishes.
Bridget asked where Nancy was going and Nancy told her.

Her response was "no, no, no!" Nancy thought that meant
she was going to clean up! Bridget said, "Wait until morning,
then it won't be your birthday anymore!"

- from Nancy Stoll (via Kidwarmers)

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4/10/10 11:38 P

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LOL

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4/10/10 10:43 P

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Better than a Flu
Shot!
· Miss Beatrice ,

· The church organist,

· Was in her eighties

· And had never been married. She was
admired for her sweetness

· And kindness to all.

· One afternoon the pastor

· Came to call on her and she showed him
into her quaint sitting room.

· She invited him to have a seat while
she prepared tea...

· As he sat facing her old Hammond
organ,

· The young minister

· Noticed a cut glass
bowl Sitting on top of it.

· The bowl was filled

· With water, and in the
water
Floated, of all things, a
condom!

· When she returned

· With tea and
scones,

· They began to chat.

· The pastor tried to stifle his
curiosity

· About the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer
resist.

· ' Miss Beatrice ', he said,

· 'I wonder if you would tell me about
this?'

· Pointing to the bowl.

· 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it
wonderful?

· I was walking through

· The Park a few months ago

· And I found this little package on the
ground.

· The directions said

· To place it on the organ,

· Keep it wet and that it would prevent
the spread of disease.. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.



“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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4/8/10 11:45 P

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emoticonemoticon


“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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4/8/10 10:19 P

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Downed Wire

Gale-force winds and frigid temperatures had
taken their toll. Snapped electric wires were
sparking and snaking about the snowdrifts. As
a foot patrolman, I was assigned to a desolate
intersection to provide security at the scene of
a downed wire.

It was 12:40 a.m. and -19 degrees when I
relieved the initial guardian of this dangerous
area. He pointed out the thin line swinging
ferociously from the main electric circuit, as he
entered the squad car for his return to warmth.
I pulled my coat collar up to my earmuffs and
took up my position to protect the public.

Finally, at 5:40 a.m., a utility truck arrived. The
linemen checked the wires, then, laughing,
descended toward me.

"Well, Officer," one of them said, "congratulations.
You've successfully guarded a frozen kite string
all night."



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4/4/10 5:18 P

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LOL!

Have a TERRIFIC day!
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4/4/10 1:11 P

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Reasons I Still Believe in the Easter Bunny

1. Hey, I watch television. Every year, he's there clucking in the Cadbury egg commercials.

2. Who do you think delivers all the baskets and stuff, the little chicks? Doubtful.

3. When I was six, I saw a bunny at the scene of the crime. He put his finger aside his nose, and up the chimney he rose.

4. Hey, I have this figured out: if you don't believe, you get no chocolate. duh!

5. Someone is posing for those chocolate rabbit molds, and I think you're thinking what I'm thinking.

6. Who else has time to color all those eggs? Not me, Jack.

7. Yeah, and Peter Rabbit didn't think Mr. McGregor was going to catch him in the cabbage patch either -- get with the times.

8. I had a pet rabbit in the 4th grade, and he told me it was all true.

9. Once, I put a tooth under my pillow, and in the morning I had a marshmallow Easter egg.

10. I've seen the evidence in my house... and I thought they were raisins...


“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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4/2/10 10:28 P

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too funny........thanks


“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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Bed

A vacationer was driving along a country road
when it began to rain hard. Soon the road turned
to mud. Seeing a farmhouse, he knocked on the
door and asked the farmer if he could stay
overnight.

"Sure," said the farmer, "but you'll have to make
your own bed."

"That's all right," replied the vacationer.

"Okay," said the farmer. "Here's some wood and
a hammer."



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3/29/10 8:11 P

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LOL!

Have a TERRIFIC day!
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3/29/10 7:23 P

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(scroll down)
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."



Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh .... .......


(scroll down)











Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."


“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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3/26/10 11:02 P

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I agree!

Have a TERRIFIC day!
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L*I*T*A*
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3/25/10 10:50 P

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emoticon


“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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3/25/10 10:32 P

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12 things you should never put in your mouth

www.grist.org/article/2010-03-10-12_things
_you_should_never_put_in_your_mouth-sl
ideshow


One wouldn't need to twist my arm to heartily agree with THIS list...lol!

Don

Co-Team Leader for All Health Pros, Binghamton Area Losers & Laid Off But Staying Strong SparkTeams

Don't die with your music still in you. -- Dr. Wayne Dyer

"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same." --- Carlos Castaneda

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." --- Buddha

rules4humans.com


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3/12/10 3:49 P

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good one..........thanks


“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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PATRICIAAK
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3/12/10 2:56 P

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Five months pregnant and ravenous, I decided a second helping
of dinner was in order. Of course, as soon as I spooned more food
onto my plate, my husband had something so say about it.
"Remember. I'm eating for two," I reminded him.
"True, he said. "But how many are you exercising for?"

- from Da Mouse Tracks

Have a TERRIFIC day!
Patricia
co-Leader of Emotional Eaters


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L*I*T*A*
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3/6/10 8:14 P

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how cute is that !!!
thanks


“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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DDOORN
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3/6/10 7:36 P

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Screen Cleaners For Hire!

www.suwanneesunsetshibas.com/ScreenCleaner
s/


Don

Co-Team Leader for All Health Pros, Binghamton Area Losers & Laid Off But Staying Strong SparkTeams

Don't die with your music still in you. -- Dr. Wayne Dyer

"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same." --- Carlos Castaneda

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." --- Buddha

rules4humans.com


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L*I*T*A*
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3/2/10 11:10 P

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A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife
stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:


"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife
merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please
allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out
their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them
to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the
cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery
shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced
the checkbook. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the
laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with
them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids
organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV
while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad,
breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded
laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't
finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he
managed to get through without complaint. The next morning, he awoke and
immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was
thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all
day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have
learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way
they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got
pregnant last night




“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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L*I*T*A*
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2/27/10 11:05 P

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Summer Classes for Men at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Monday, June 29th 2009.

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven-- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.



“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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L*I*T*A*
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2/14/10 7:27 P

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Heaven Was Getting Just a Bit Too Crowdedþ When….



It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, 'Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.'

'No problem, the man said. 'I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.

Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!

Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground.

But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands on to throw at him.

Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!

The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.'

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, 'OK, sir.. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven ,' and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was Donald Trump.

'Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I nee d to hear about what your day was like when you died.'

Trump said, 'No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally
fell over the side!

Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so
I didn't die right away.

As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly.'

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. 'I could get used to this new policy,' he thinks to himself. 'Very well,' the Angel announces. 'Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven ,' and he lets Trump enter.

A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says, 'Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died.'

Clinton says, 'OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator......





“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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L*I*T*A*
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2/9/10 3:19 P

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emoticon


“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


 April Minutes: 2,160
 
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CHANGE4FIT
CHANGE4FIT's Photo Posts: 3,989
2/9/10 12:01 P

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After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Love, 40 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and whiteTV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 18-year-old girl.

Now I have a $2,000,000 home, a $100,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 58-year-old woman.
It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of the bargain.

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 18-year-old girl, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis.....

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L*I*T*A*
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2/3/10 9:55 P

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emoticon


“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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DDOORN
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2/3/10 6:07 P

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As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt bad and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been
putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Co-Team Leader for All Health Pros, Binghamton Area Losers & Laid Off But Staying Strong SparkTeams

Don't die with your music still in you. -- Dr. Wayne Dyer

"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same." --- Carlos Castaneda

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." --- Buddha

rules4humans.com


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L*I*T*A*
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1/27/10 10:52 P

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“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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CHANGE4FIT
CHANGE4FIT's Photo Posts: 3,989
1/27/10 4:04 P

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I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour..
But, by the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.
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L*I*T*A*
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1/19/10 10:16 P

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for $20.00 that is a steal!!!


“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


 April Minutes: 2,160
 
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DDOORN
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1/19/10 9:52 P

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Such a DEAL! :-)

Where is this fellow when one NEEDS him?!?!

Don

Co-Team Leader for All Health Pros, Binghamton Area Losers & Laid Off But Staying Strong SparkTeams

Don't die with your music still in you. -- Dr. Wayne Dyer

"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same." --- Carlos Castaneda

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." --- Buddha

rules4humans.com


 Pounds lost: 105.7 
 
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L*I*T*A*
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1/19/10 8:56 P

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A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.



This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00....

on one condition..."


Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was.. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."



The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said....


"Clean my house."





“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


 April Minutes: 2,160
 
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L*I*T*A*
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1/10/10 12:18 A

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emoticon here is my happy face......thanks that was funny............


“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


 April Minutes: 2,160
 
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3775


DDOORN
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1/9/10 11:08 P

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Any cat fans out there?

These cats are just RIPPIN' through this youtube video!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=SUNmLuNdiL8

Guaranteed to at LEAST put a smile on your face, if not get a belly laugh or two from you! :-)

Don

Co-Team Leader for All Health Pros, Binghamton Area Losers & Laid Off But Staying Strong SparkTeams

Don't die with your music still in you. -- Dr. Wayne Dyer

"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same." --- Carlos Castaneda

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." --- Buddha

rules4humans.com


 Pounds lost: 105.7 
 
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