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OUTDOORGIRL69's Photo OUTDOORGIRL69 Posts: 15,109
6/22/08 9:28 P

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Don... I will pass it on. I really liked it. It helped me as I have been down for a couple of days. We have been very busy and working 15hr a day for 4 days now. Very tired / depressed / and need a day off which we haven't had for a while. Just want to cry. I ready to give up on everything at this point. at least I am getting 8 hr sleep.I'am still posting on my SP page.
Thanks for the Chuckle

Edited by: OUTDOORGIRL69 at: 6/22/2008 (21:43)
God is my Strength & Salvation.
The Joy Of The LORD IS My Strength. .
PRAISE GOD always and he will take care of you,
Always Keep A Positive Attitude
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DDOORN's Photo DDOORN Posts: 23,427
6/22/08 8:05 P

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MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE:

NICKNAMES

* If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
* If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.


EATING OUT

* When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
* When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


MONEY

* A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
* A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.


BATHROOMS

* A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
* The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.


ARGUMENTS

* A woman has the last word in any argument.
* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


FUTURE

* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
* A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


SUCCESS

* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
* A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


MARRIAGE

* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
* A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.


DRESSING UP

* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
* A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


NATURAL

* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
* Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


OFFSPRING

* Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it ... and to the men who will enjoy reading it.
============================
Hope everyone had a super weekend...soaking up the sun as I'm working outdoors a lot yesterday & today!
Don

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Don't die with your music still in you. -- Dr. Wayne Dyer

"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same." --- Carlos Castaneda

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." --- Buddha

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6/14/08 9:13 P

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An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.

Co-Team Leader for All Health Pros, Binghamton Area Losers & Laid Off But Staying Strong SparkTeams

Don't die with your music still in you. -- Dr. Wayne Dyer

"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same." --- Carlos Castaneda

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." --- Buddha

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6/8/08 1:43 P

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Presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John McCain were flying to a debate.

Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, "You know I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy. "


Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window an d make ten people very happy. "

John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy. "

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his copilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy. "
---------------

I'm voting for the Pilot!



“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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5/31/08 5:15 P

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A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'

'What's that mean?' asked the child.

'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.'

Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said
'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'


The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

If you ain't laffin'...
You ain't livin'



“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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DDOORN's Photo DDOORN Posts: 23,427
5/19/08 1:00 P

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THE OLD GOLFER

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".

"Where did it go?" says Arthur.

"I don't remember." !!!

Co-Team Leader for All Health Pros, Binghamton Area Losers & Laid Off But Staying Strong SparkTeams

Don't die with your music still in you. -- Dr. Wayne Dyer

"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same." --- Carlos Castaneda

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." --- Buddha

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TASHA8183's Photo TASHA8183 Posts: 190
5/19/08 12:08 P

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Awe i liked that one. I'm a bit young, but my mom was nodding her head the whole time reading it =)

~Mind over matter....because if you don't mind, it don't matter!
- A co-worker and dear friend of mine.

~ In the time of your life....LIVE!
- Saroyan


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5/18/08 10:02 P

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I wish I had been clever enough to have put all these wonderful thoughts in writing!

Andy Rooney -- "Women over 40"

Andy Rooney says, "As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why: A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And it's usually something more interesting.

A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 40 give a d___ what you might think about her or what she's doing.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it...

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

A woman over 40 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 40 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. They always know.

A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her....

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Co-Team Leader for All Health Pros, Binghamton Area Losers & Laid Off But Staying Strong SparkTeams

Don't die with your music still in you. -- Dr. Wayne Dyer

"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same." --- Carlos Castaneda

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." --- Buddha

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5/17/08 9:37 P

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cute....


“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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5/17/08 9:03 P

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Two ways to look at everything

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,

And I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink, as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asks, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed. 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife. 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

So you see, there really are two ways to look at everything.

Co-Team Leader for All Health Pros, Binghamton Area Losers & Laid Off But Staying Strong SparkTeams

Don't die with your music still in you. -- Dr. Wayne Dyer

"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same." --- Carlos Castaneda

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." --- Buddha

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5/13/08 10:07 A

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cute..........


“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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5/13/08 8:36 A

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Dogs vs. Cats

DOG's DIARY:

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite
thing!

11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


CAT's DIARY:

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt
me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine
lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I
are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I
make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I
nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my
strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my
dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I
once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless
body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike
fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates
what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a 'good little
hunter' I am. Imbeciles!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices
tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the
duration of the event. However, I could hear the
noises and smell the food. I overheard that my
confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I
must learn what this means, and how to use it to my
advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to
assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving round his
feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow
-- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are
flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special
privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to
be more than willing to return. He is obviously
retarded.

Co-Team Leader for All Health Pros, Binghamton Area Losers & Laid Off But Staying Strong SparkTeams

Don't die with your music still in you. -- Dr. Wayne Dyer

"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same." --- Carlos Castaneda

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." --- Buddha

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5/6/08 11:40 P

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good one...........thanks


“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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RENA1965's Photo RENA1965 Posts: 17,878
5/6/08 10:56 P

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he he thats a goodie!

"I shall shape my future. Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me. Or I can be lost in the maze. My choice. My responsbility. Win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny."
-google first. ask questions later
¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨) ¸.·*¨)
(***Rena ***)
(¸.·´~ (¸.·* ~ (¸.·*


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5/6/08 10:06 P

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A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "mother of six" despite her objections.

One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave too.

He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'mother of six'?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts back
"Anytime you're ready, father of four."

Don

Co-Team Leader for All Health Pros, Binghamton Area Losers & Laid Off But Staying Strong SparkTeams

Don't die with your music still in you. -- Dr. Wayne Dyer

"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same." --- Carlos Castaneda

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." --- Buddha

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TASHA8183's Photo TASHA8183 Posts: 190
5/6/08 5:17 P

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Awe these make my day a little lighter! thanx guys.

~Mind over matter....because if you don't mind, it don't matter!
- A co-worker and dear friend of mine.

~ In the time of your life....LIVE!
- Saroyan


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5/6/08 9:57 A

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cute.........


“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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5/6/08 9:51 A

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A very tired nurse walks into a bank,
Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a check,
She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse
And tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake,
She looks at the flabbergasted teller
And without missing a beat, she says:
"Well, that's great....that's just great....
Some jerk has my pen!"

Co-Team Leader for All Health Pros, Binghamton Area Losers & Laid Off But Staying Strong SparkTeams

Don't die with your music still in you. -- Dr. Wayne Dyer

"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same." --- Carlos Castaneda

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." --- Buddha

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5/5/08 10:55 P

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After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the
Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a
little upset because my daughter has red hair.

She can't possibly be mine.' 'Nonsense,' the doctor said.
'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors
may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'

'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be, our families on both
sides had jet-black hair for generations.'

'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?'
The man seemed a bit ashamed.

'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made
love once or twice every few months.'

'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently. 'It's rust.'




“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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5/3/08 10:29 P

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cute........i think??


“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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5/3/08 10:26 P

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Male Thought Processes:

Bill meets Doug shopping at the mall and
sees he has a small gift wrapped box.

"It's my wife's birthday tomorrow." Doug
said. "Last week I asked her what she
wanted for her birthday."
"And???" Bill asked.

"Well, she said, 'Oh, I don't know just give
me something with diamonds in it'."
"So what did you get her?" asked Bill.
"I bought her a deck of cards!!"

Co-Team Leader for All Health Pros, Binghamton Area Losers & Laid Off But Staying Strong SparkTeams

Don't die with your music still in you. -- Dr. Wayne Dyer

"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same." --- Carlos Castaneda

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." --- Buddha

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5/2/08 11:24 P

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Any Cat Fans Out There?

www.youtube.com/watch?v=mHXBL6bzAR4

Don

Co-Team Leader for All Health Pros, Binghamton Area Losers & Laid Off But Staying Strong SparkTeams

Don't die with your music still in you. -- Dr. Wayne Dyer

"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same." --- Carlos Castaneda

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." --- Buddha

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4/25/08 3:31 P

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Nothing like a coupla groaners to pass along...! :-)

Thx!

Don

Co-Team Leader for All Health Pros, Binghamton Area Losers & Laid Off But Staying Strong SparkTeams

Don't die with your music still in you. -- Dr. Wayne Dyer

"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same." --- Carlos Castaneda

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." --- Buddha

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4/25/08 1:57 P

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Ok that was fast I just happened to get an email with some cute jokes.

After a hard day of drilling, the drill sergeant let the troops go. "All right, you idiots, report to the mess hall." Everybody walked away, sweating and their heads down, thankful for the end of the hard day. Only one private remained. He looked at the officer and sincerely said, "Boy, there sure were a lot of them, huh, serge."

________________________________________
_____________

This guy was pulled over for running a stop sign. When the cop checked the man's driver's license, he said, "You're wearing glasses on your ID and you're not now. I'm going to have to give you a ticket."
The guy said, "Officer, I have contacts."
The cop said, "Look, buddy, I don't care who you know, ... I'm giving you a ticket."

~Mind over matter....because if you don't mind, it don't matter!
- A co-worker and dear friend of mine.

~ In the time of your life....LIVE!
- Saroyan


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4/25/08 1:14 P

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Thanks for the entertainment while I sit here bored at work. I will post some funnies if I come across any new ones =)

~Mind over matter....because if you don't mind, it don't matter!
- A co-worker and dear friend of mine.

~ In the time of your life....LIVE!
- Saroyan


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4/25/08 10:56 A

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that is just so terrible rena...............wish we could do something to help.............i'll be praying for the strike to end quickly as people are suffering i'm sure and you get what wages you are looking for and then some!!............blessings and hugs.........lita


“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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4/25/08 9:59 A

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Good one Lita!

Go get 'em Rena!! What double standards these pompous politicians demonstrate every day!

Don

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Don't die with your music still in you. -- Dr. Wayne Dyer

"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same." --- Carlos Castaneda

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." --- Buddha

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4/25/08 7:12 A

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Well the strike in the health sector in denmark is still on 2nd week. But people are more determined than ever, we just want a 15%, then the politicians started talking about their wage raises, they think they need 22,7 or so %.
This is my daily chuckle, the elderly are writing letters asking our states minister him, does he what his own parents to treated like the same way they are being at the time being?


"I shall shape my future. Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me. Or I can be lost in the maze. My choice. My responsbility. Win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny."
-google first. ask questions later
¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨) ¸.·*¨)
(***Rena ***)
(¸.·´~ (¸.·* ~ (¸.·*


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4/24/08 11:51 P

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Henry was an old man. He was sick and in the
hospital, and there was one nurse that just drove him
crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him
like he was a little child.
She would speak to him in a patronizing tone of voice,
like 'And how are we doing this morning?' or 'Are we
ready for a bath?' or 'Are we hungry?'

Old Henry had had enough of this particular nurse.
One day during breakfast, he pulled the apple juice
off his tray, and put it in his bedside drawer.

Awhile later he was given a urine bottle to fill for
testing. Smirking, he poured the apple juice into the
bottle instead.

The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine
bottle and looked at it. 'My, but it seems we are a
little cloudy today,' she said in her patronizing
tone.

At this, Old Henry snatched the bottle out of her
hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying,
'Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter
it better this time.'

The nurse fainted. Old Henry just smiled!

Moral of the story, DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE!


“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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4/21/08 7:30 P

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An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advise in reviving
her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.

"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra.'
It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.
Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as
to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and
begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really, what happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect
was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his
eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!
With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying,
ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately
on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"


"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your
husband provided wasn't good?"


"Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here,
I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"


“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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4/18/08 10:52 P

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oh yeah...those little things that just slip right on by...!

Co-Team Leader for All Health Pros, Binghamton Area Losers & Laid Off But Staying Strong SparkTeams

Don't die with your music still in you. -- Dr. Wayne Dyer

"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same." --- Carlos Castaneda

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." --- Buddha

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4/18/08 10:32 P

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do you mean senior moments???
have had a few of those lately......

Edited by: L*I*T*A* at: 4/18/2008 (22:30)

“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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4/18/08 10:14 P

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Oof! Good one...sadly, I can empathize...senioritis has been setting in...lol!

Don

Co-Team Leader for All Health Pros, Binghamton Area Losers & Laid Off But Staying Strong SparkTeams

Don't die with your music still in you. -- Dr. Wayne Dyer

"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same." --- Carlos Castaneda

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." --- Buddha

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4/18/08 10:06 P

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Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in, "Yes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them "That must be the door, I'll get it!"



“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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4/5/08 2:05 P

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"If you like the post office, you are going to LOVE national health care."
Anonymous


Whether you say "I can " or "I can't" you are right.

" I try to avoid looking forward or backward, and try to keep looking upward."

- Charlotte Bronte

Live your life in such a way that every morning when your feet hit the floor...Satan shudders and says..."Oh No...she's AWAKE!"

- Unknown


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4/5/08 12:21 P

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I love oxymorons! They're so much fun!

Success is not the result of spontaneous combustion. You must first set yourself on fire.

*************

Sometimes you just have to close your eyes, breathe, and just hold on till the ride stops...

*************

Excellence is the result of caring more than others think wise, risking more than others think safe, dreaming more than others think practical, and expecting more than others think possible.


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4/5/08 10:50 A

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LOL, good ones!

Did you hear about the latest birth control pill for men?
You take it the day after. It changes your blood type.


Whether you say "I can " or "I can't" you are right.

" I try to avoid looking forward or backward, and try to keep looking upward."

- Charlotte Bronte

Live your life in such a way that every morning when your feet hit the floor...Satan shudders and says..."Oh No...she's AWAKE!"

- Unknown


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4/5/08 9:35 A

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good ones........


“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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4/5/08 6:43 A

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The top 45 oxymorons
(According to whom? I have no idea this is the way I received them.)

45. Act naturally
44. Found missing
43. Resident alien
42. Advanced BASIC
41. Genuine imitation

40. Airline Food
39. Good grief
38. Same difference
37. Almost exactly
36. Government organization

35. Sanitary landfill
34. Alone together
33. Legally drunk
32. Silent scream
31. Living dead

30. Small crowd
29. Business ethics
28. Soft rock
27. Butt Head
26. Military Intelligence

25. Software documentation
24. New classic
23. Sweet sorrow
22. Childproof
21. "Now, then ..."

20. Synthetic natural gas
19. Passive aggression
18. Taped live
17. Clearly misunderstood
16. Peace force

15. Extinct Life
14. Temporary tax increase
13. Computer jock
12. Plastic glasses
11. Terribly pleased

10. Computer security
9. Political science
8. Tight slacks
7. Definite maybe
6. Pretty ugly

5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
4. Diet ice cream
3. Working vacation
2. Exact estimate
1. Microsoft Works

Co-Team Leader for All Health Pros, Binghamton Area Losers & Laid Off But Staying Strong SparkTeams

Don't die with your music still in you. -- Dr. Wayne Dyer

"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same." --- Carlos Castaneda

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." --- Buddha

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4/4/08 5:45 P

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good one!........


“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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4/4/08 5:44 P

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From Church Bulletins:


This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.


Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.



The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours



Whether you say "I can " or "I can't" you are right.

" I try to avoid looking forward or backward, and try to keep looking upward."

- Charlotte Bronte

Live your life in such a way that every morning when your feet hit the floor...Satan shudders and says..."Oh No...she's AWAKE!"

- Unknown


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4/4/08 4:10 P

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At Penn State University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an "A" so far. These four friends were so confident that, the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Penn State until early Monday morning.



Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam.



The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy.... then they turned the page. On the second page was written....



For 95 points: Which tire? _________




“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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3/17/08 10:35 A

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Knock, knock

Who’s there?

Irish.

Irish who?

Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!





“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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2/26/08 3:46 P

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Lame Joke of the Week (from CarTalk)

The local Mafia boss hired a deaf accountant, thinking the accountant wouldn't be able to overhear their more "delicate" discussions. One day, the boss realized that a sum of $10 million was missing and went to confront the accountant. Since the boss didn't know sign language, he took his attorney with him who did know sign language. The boss told the attorney to ask the accountant where he put the $10 million.

The attorney and accountant conversed in sign language and the attorney translated for the boss, telling him that the accountant didn't know what the boss was talking about. The boss took out a gun and aimed it at the accountant. He instructed the attorney to ask the accountant again. The conversation occurred in sign language between the attorney and the accountant. This time the accountant told the attorney that the money was under his cousin Lorenzo's patio.

The boss asked the attorney what the accountant had said and the attorney reported, "He said you don't have the guts to pull that trigger."

Co-Team Leader for All Health Pros, Binghamton Area Losers & Laid Off But Staying Strong SparkTeams

Don't die with your music still in you. -- Dr. Wayne Dyer

"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same." --- Carlos Castaneda

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." --- Buddha

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2/18/08 10:44 P

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True Story

My 5 yodd was talking to my dh and comparing something. She said, "yeah dad it's like throwing a rock at some birds" DH gets her to repeat herself and she says the same thing. DH in a aggravated tone says, "that's not nice at all! who taught you to talk like that?" dd replies, "Ma---me"! By now I have caught on to what she is talking about and I can't breathe for laughing so hard. DH is still lost...I say,"doof" "2 birds with one stone".

OOOOOOO----oo



Doing it again! See my other SP forkitless.

Romans 12: 1-2 "Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."


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2/18/08 9:10 P

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Here's a coupla "old" ones...

You have to be tough to get old:

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.

As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today..

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too." The old woman says, "Thank you.

Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming up," says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."

Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity, why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."

===========================

"OLD" IS WHEN .. Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"

"OLD " IS WHEN .. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN .. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND "OLD" IS WHEN .. You are not sure these are jokes.

Don

Co-Team Leader for All Health Pros, Binghamton Area Losers & Laid Off But Staying Strong SparkTeams

Don't die with your music still in you. -- Dr. Wayne Dyer

"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same." --- Carlos Castaneda

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." --- Buddha

rules4humans.com


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2/18/08 4:03 P

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Little Red Riding Hood is skipping thru the
forest

road when she sees The big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
" My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."

The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again
And this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 1/4 mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf
Again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."

With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off,
I'm trying to poop!"



“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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2/14/08 9:51 A

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Valentine's Day Gift

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamt that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight," he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it, only to find a book entitled, "The Meaning of Dreams




“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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2/13/08 12:19 P

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Those are great! Thanks for the giggles!

*Beth*

"Shoot for the moon and you'll land among the stars"



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2/13/08 10:04 A

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LOL! Thanks!

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2/13/08 12:11 A

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Ed forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was furious. "When I wake up tomorrow," she said, "there had better be something for me in the driveway that can go from zero to 200 in less than 10 seconds."

The next morning, Ed's wife woke up and looked out the window. She saw a wrapped box in the driveway. Thinking it must be the keys to a new car, she went outside and opened the box, only to find a new bathroom scale.

Ed has been missing for 3 days now. Please pray for him



“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

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2/12/08 12:36 P

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Nominated as best short joke this year! :-)

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. "Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

THIS IS A NONPARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY BOTH PARTIES! (How appropriate, given all these primaries and caucuses running these days...!)

While walking down the street one day a US Senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Befor e you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, Shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while Getting Rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."

(hope you enjoyed! ...Don)

Co-Team Leader for All Health Pros, Binghamton Area Losers & Laid Off But Staying Strong SparkTeams

Don't die with your music still in you. -- Dr. Wayne Dyer

"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same." --- Carlos Castaneda

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." --- Buddha

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2/6/08 8:24 P

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Dearest Redneck Son,
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven' t
seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off
and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned
for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the
tailgate down!

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom


Vicki

I CAN lose weight. I DESERVE to lose weight. I'm FEISTY enough to lose weight.


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2/6/08 10:16 A

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Great to see the additions! We're building a chuckle vault! :-)

Don

Edited by: DDOORN at: 2/6/2008 (10:15)
Co-Team Leader for All Health Pros, Binghamton Area Losers & Laid Off But Staying Strong SparkTeams

Don't die with your music still in you. -- Dr. Wayne Dyer

"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same." --- Carlos Castaneda

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." --- Buddha

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CHERYLHURT SparkPoints: (112,361)
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2/6/08 10:11 A

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Thanks for the giggles!

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2/5/08 10:56 P

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After being married for 41 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, 'Honey, 41 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old gal.

Now I have a $500,000 house, $45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.



Aren't older women great?

They know how to solve your mid-life crisis.



“There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when it's convenient. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses; only results.”

When you get to a plateau, think of it as a landing on the stairway to your goal. And maintenance is a lifelong plateau, so a bit of "rehearsal" for maintenance isn't the worst thing in the world

pacific time


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2/4/08 2:36 P

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When is the best time to go to the dentist?

2:30 !!! (best if you read it out loud! LOL)

Tom

Sex appeal is fifty percent what you've got and fifty percent what people think you've got.

Sophia Loren.


 
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2/2/08 11:16 P

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VG. I loved it!

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2/1/08 10:31 P

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Thanks for the laugh:)

Tracey emoticon

Well-behaved women seldom make history
-Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

�Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today.�
-James Dean

February Goal wt: 200
Reward: new shoes
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2/1/08 9:45 P

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Don:
I really like that one. I work at a Motel in McCall ID and have let people that have come in read it and they just love it. Thanks for the chuckle today

God is my Strength & Salvation.
The Joy Of The LORD IS My Strength. .
PRAISE GOD always and he will take care of you,
Always Keep A Positive Attitude
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2/1/08 8:14 P

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Wow, that gave me quite the chuckle......and my husband, and my husband's best friend! Thanks for the laugh!

Success is not the result of spontaneous combustion. You must first set yourself on fire.

*************

Sometimes you just have to close your eyes, breathe, and just hold on till the ride stops...

*************

Excellence is the result of caring more than others think wise, risking more than others think safe, dreaming more than others think practical, and expecting more than others think possible.


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2/1/08 6:52 P

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Hey, this is TOTALLY off topic, except who doesn't feel better after a little chuckle? :-)

If anyone comes across some good clean humor, feel free to add to the thread!

Don
-----------------

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said:





"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."


Co-Team Leader for All Health Pros, Binghamton Area Losers & Laid Off But Staying Strong SparkTeams

Don't die with your music still in you. -- Dr. Wayne Dyer

"We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same." --- Carlos Castaneda

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." --- Buddha

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