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GENTLEVIKING's Photo GENTLEVIKING Posts: 3,788
1/10/13 10:17 A

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Yeah, this thread kinda died many moons ago and probably needs to be retired. Maybe some other sticky topic put in it's place. It's good to know what members are thinking on things like this...and the thinking seems to be the same about this thread.

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DS9KIE's Photo DS9KIE SparkPoints: (232,493)
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1/9/13 9:57 P

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I'm still trying to figure that out tooo...lol

Edited by: DS9KIE at: 1/10/2013 (10:24)
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VEGFAERY's Photo VEGFAERY Posts: 3,663
1/9/13 4:10 P

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What is this thread for?

It's 4:07pm and here I sit for the first time ALL day and it feels wonderful. I have my dog beside me and a cup of tea on the coffee table. I spent all morning cleaning, peeling and chopping fruit and vegetables for juicing tomorrow. My feet are sore! Then I did all the dishes....

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12/27/12 4:30 P

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you could just unsticky it and then it will not be on the top if no one is using it

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Eating got me into this mess and eating is going to get me out of this mess
THE SALAD IS THE MAIN DISH
The greatest act can be one little victory ...Celebrate the moment as it turns into one more Just one little victory, a spirit breakin' free.One little victory-Rush


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GENTLEVIKING's Photo GENTLEVIKING Posts: 3,788
12/27/12 9:58 A

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DS9, I just now found your reply that you wrote a month ago in this section! Sorry! Yeah, I was pretty much talking to myself for a while here! LOL!!! And this section of the group still doesn't get much attention--we seem to be more active in the "weekend coffee break" than here. We probably someday need to just fix it into one section called "coffee break" for all week long.



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12/27/12 9:22 A

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The weather is crazy warm over here in Germany. Flowers and trees are even starting to bud! Feels like Spring!

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11/10/12 4:28 P

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it looks like you have been having a conversation with your self, I just found this area, didn't know it was here.

Hope you fared the storm..I'm having 75 degree weather...in November hey I'm not complaining.

Just had a Halloween party and a piano recital and boy I'm glad I had this week off.

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Eating got me into this mess and eating is going to get me out of this mess
THE SALAD IS THE MAIN DISH
The greatest act can be one little victory ...Celebrate the moment as it turns into one more Just one little victory, a spirit breakin' free.One little victory-Rush


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GENTLEVIKING's Photo GENTLEVIKING Posts: 3,788
10/29/12 9:45 P

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Here on the east coast we are being hit in a strange way by the hurricane. Last week we had hot tempertures for Fall...but as of today it's dipping into the 30's and the wind is really blowing outside! All from this hurricane.

But we are not getting it like New York is getting it. I sure hope they do okay up there. There's been odd things from New York, like David Letterman taping his show MINUS an audience! (They told them to all stay home because of the storm!)



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GENTLEVIKING's Photo GENTLEVIKING Posts: 3,788
9/5/12 10:59 A

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Hope everyone is doing okay. I was just looking how we have TWO chat areas: "Week Day Tea Time" and "Weekend Coffee Break". Wouldn't it be better to combine the groups into one and just call it "Coffee Break Chat" or something? That way it would work for weekdays or weekends.

(Forgive me...I'm always trying to improve groups that aren't even mine!! Ha! I guess I'm just trying to better the group and make it more "functional".)

We all have days when we don't want to chat about veganism in particular...we just want to chat about life. So having just one section of the group for this seems like it might be good (and less confusing).

Now that being said...I can't think of a thing to chat about this morning!!!! LOL!!!! Maybe you should just ignore me! Ha! emoticon

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GENTLEVIKING's Photo GENTLEVIKING Posts: 3,788
8/20/12 10:47 A

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A hot dog walks into a bar and ask for a drink. The bar attendant said, "Sorry, we don't serve food here!"

Bad joke...just checking into the weekday forum that I forget about sometimes. Hope everyone is having a great monday. We had lots of rain yesterday, but today it's so sunny and nice.

Hope everyone is doing good and that life is treat ya well!

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GENTLEVIKING's Photo GENTLEVIKING Posts: 3,788
6/15/12 9:39 A

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Thats great! And don't ya just love thrift stores? (My older sister has gotten most of my family hooked on them, now!)

Ain't nothing like a good pair of pants or shorts that fit just right...and I actually need a pair myself! ha! I'm very bad about storing cloths away for the summer or winter and wearing them for like....forever!!! Ha! I really should take every stitch of clothing I have to a thrift store and buy all new things...but I keep holding out on that because I keep wanting to lose this weight and fit into a better size...so I go around wearing ancient clothing from the dinasour era! Ha!



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TRILLIANTOO's Photo TRILLIANTOO SparkPoints: (40,742)
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6/15/12 7:46 A

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Thanks!

I was thinking this was kind of silly to talk about, but then again it's not.

The start of this was that I only had the one pair of shorts and I couldn't wash them in a machine and line drying them left them smelling of mildew so I had to wear even bigger (and less functional aka bad pockets) shorts all the time.

Now not only can i do laundry, but I have a friend who does my laundry for me to help me out!

The shorts I liked so much I got at the thrift store for $1.00 - I was able to get more shorts at full price.

And they're a size smaller, and I am now right-sized for my frame.


That's a lot of great change!



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"One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well." - Virginia Woolf

"Don't give up, just keep giving." character Sam on Touched by an Angel, episode Indigo Angel

"Keep Moving Forward" Disney/Pixar's Meet The Robinsons

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GENTLEVIKING's Photo GENTLEVIKING Posts: 3,788
6/14/12 11:15 P

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Congrates, Trill!!!!

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6/14/12 5:29 P

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I got my shorts!

I am so happy! It's nice having shorts / pants that don't fall off me now. And these have solid pockets so I can carry my cell phone and keys without having to carry a purse if I don't want to.

SWEET!!!!!

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"One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well." - Virginia Woolf

"Don't give up, just keep giving." character Sam on Touched by an Angel, episode Indigo Angel

"Keep Moving Forward" Disney/Pixar's Meet The Robinsons

"There is no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate" - Buffy, the Vampire Slayer


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6/9/12 3:24 P

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The last girl who did that got fired!!!

We were *strongly advised* to only make cool foods for ourselves once a week in case one of the bosses' friends see what we are doing and report back to TPTB.

One of the girls offered our food to the customers - I was so afraid and angry! That food was for us, and we aren't to change the menu, recipes or offer anything different!! Then one of the customers only wanted what she'd just had a taste of, even worse for us.


Still, it has been great for me to eat "real food" at work (funny how working at a health food store in the restaurant and I feel like I'm not eating real food), and I've been very proud of the girls for picking up and running with the ideas and foods I've taught them.



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(¸.·Trillian*´¨)
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***********************

"One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well." - Virginia Woolf

"Don't give up, just keep giving." character Sam on Touched by an Angel, episode Indigo Angel

"Keep Moving Forward" Disney/Pixar's Meet The Robinsons

"There is no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate" - Buffy, the Vampire Slayer


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GENTLEVIKING's Photo GENTLEVIKING Posts: 3,788
6/9/12 10:39 A

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"I think we're all actually doing a far better job without them there!"

I've usually found that true of the jobs I've been on too, Trill! We did just fine with the bosses gone! Things were less stressful and the job got done just fine.

Wow, I can't believe the big brass took a two month vacation! I would have loved that on some of the jobs I have had!

If I were you girls, while the cats away I'd think of making at least one item of your own creation and selling it in the deli part of the store, keep the recipts or some record for the sales, and show the boss how well your homemade item sold (if there was a way of doing that without getting into trouble). That might show them that "change is good". But maybe you'd better not listen to me...I'm libel to get you into trouble! Ha! Don't want that!


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***Life has no remote. Get up and change it yourself!
***"I can do all things through Christ!" Phillipians 4:13




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6/7/12 10:44 P

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It's really not all that health conscious nor that creative.

The owners have foods that are very high fat, low vegetable, and insist they stay that way, and will allow absolutely no new recipes or changing of existing recipes of any kind.

But the owners are on vacation for two months so it's a party at work. Of course we are all doing our responsibilites, but it's a lot easier and a heck of a lot more fun than with the micromanaging craziness of the owners present. I think we're all actually doing a far better job without them there!


So right now it's very creative. We can always make whatever we want to eat when we have time, but usually we're so busy and so mind-fried that we can't come up with much of anything (sometimes I just have a food bar for lack of anything else to come up with and too hungry). That said, we can't actually cook anything. Oh, we could throw together a small soup maybe, or heat up a can of something from the store, but I couldn't, say, make my favorite vegan tacos.

But it was slow today so we had the time, inspired by the other two girls I work directly with as they're trying to not eat bread but don't know what else to do, so I told them about rice paper and nori, and then today we had time to work with it.

So we can all play with food, make all kinds of different things in the kitchen, and experiment with new foods, bring in foods to make our recipes ... until the owners come back. But it's really fun for now, it's really nice!!! I feel like in this time I'm starting to become actual *friends* with the employees because we have time to relate to one another. I have NEVER had actual friends at work before, so this is really cool.



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***********************

"One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well." - Virginia Woolf

"Don't give up, just keep giving." character Sam on Touched by an Angel, episode Indigo Angel

"Keep Moving Forward" Disney/Pixar's Meet The Robinsons

"There is no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate" - Buffy, the Vampire Slayer


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GENTLEVIKING's Photo GENTLEVIKING Posts: 3,788
6/7/12 9:49 P

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With all the ideas you are coming up with, they may hire you as the new kitchen chef on that job! emoticon

Your job sounds like such a creative place. I'd love being able to eat what I want there and enjoy the feeling of working with a health concious company like that!

T E R R Y

***Life has no remote. Get up and change it yourself!
***"I can do all things through Christ!" Phillipians 4:13




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6/7/12 5:13 P

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Terry, I loved your ideas about providing information without it really seeming like I'm dieting or setting myself up to be sabotaged. (Annoyed would probably be it, I've already been through years of temptations within reach and overcoming that.)


I was rockin' it with the good information today! I showed the girls in the kitchen how to make spring rolls and raw vegan sushi and they took off with it, trying all kinds of things and sharing their experiments with everybody else in the store. I was very proud of them!

I made an uncooked coconut curry soup (it really should have had raw coconut but I used a can of coconut milk), and that went over pretty well too. It wasn't the way I normally make it, I usually add more veggies but I used what I had.

Tomorrow I'm bringing alfalfa sprouts from the store and collards from home and I'm going to make more of my specialties. If it stays slow I'll start making more and more of my raw vegan dishes and sharing them.


One of the girls and are are going to try dulse tomorrow. The package says you can make it like you would bacon for blt's, so we're going to give it a whirl and see how it goes. And she's going to make one of her seaweed salads for me with I think arame.



I've been getting heavy into the wheatgrass and that's totally transforming my universe. I need to head out in a minute so I don't really have time to go into it right now, but it's some amazing stuff!!!!!!



*´¨)
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(¸.·Trillian*´¨)
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***********************

"One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well." - Virginia Woolf

"Don't give up, just keep giving." character Sam on Touched by an Angel, episode Indigo Angel

"Keep Moving Forward" Disney/Pixar's Meet The Robinsons

"There is no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate" - Buffy, the Vampire Slayer


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GENTLEVIKING's Photo GENTLEVIKING Posts: 3,788
6/7/12 8:31 A

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"He's young and thin as a beanpole, he doesn't get it yet, but one day he will."

LOL!!! You are so right! I was never a "bean pole", but I was much smaller as a young man and I also didn't "get it" till I got in my 30's and the weight started coming on! Ha!

I liked your answer too when you told him you weren't dieting. I think that's a good answer for people we work with, sometimes. My experience has been that when people learn we are on a diet, sometimes they want to sabatogue our diet! They will tempt us with sweets or something. Not sure why that is, unless they are secretly worried we will look better than them someday if we lose the weight! Ha! So I think sometimes it's best to not tell folks we are on a diet. Just tell them we are "eating healthy" or "getting fit"...they seem to respect things like that more. So you gave him a great answer!

So it sounds like you are really on the go and getting things moving! Giving out cool answers to questions, too! Way to go!


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***Life has no remote. Get up and change it yourself!
***"I can do all things through Christ!" Phillipians 4:13




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6/7/12 6:37 A

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I'm glad to hear that you're getting back into exercise too.

And that celebrity is right. The other day I was weighing out chips at work (normally I don't do that, packages normally say something like 1 oz = about 11 chips so I count, but this package didn't have a number like that on it) and one of the guys asked if I'm on a diet.

I'm basically where I want to be I'm fine tuning at this point, so I said "No, but it's easy to eat an extra 200 or 300 calories a day and then end up gaining 5 lbs."

He's young and thin as a beanpole, he doesn't get it yet, but one day he will.



I'm not exercising today. My muscles ache all over and I figure it would probably be pushing it, and frankly I don't want to!! LOL!!! But as I am up loner today I'm feeling more and more motivated to actually do something, but I don't want to push myself to the breaking point.



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(¸.·Trillian*´¨)
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***********************

"One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well." - Virginia Woolf

"Don't give up, just keep giving." character Sam on Touched by an Angel, episode Indigo Angel

"Keep Moving Forward" Disney/Pixar's Meet The Robinsons

"There is no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate" - Buffy, the Vampire Slayer


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6/6/12 5:54 P

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Yeah, our "weekday tea time" area has been pretty dead lately. (Maybe we aren't tea drinkers anymore? Ha!) I'm bad about forgetting about this section of the group, but really should make use of it.

I'm like you and enjoy the "burn" that exercise gives one---just that gentle soreness that lets us know we've been active. I think it's great you are exercising and even losing! Keep up the good work!

I'm still struggling to do exercise---and this is odd for me in summer months, cause that's when I usually become more of an athlete and then struggle all winter long to do anything. But so far I still feel like I'm not out of the winter slump yet---strange. But I am making goals and do have plans to begin exercising this week.

Saw a celebrity on TV who said that weight lose is all about two things: exercise and portion control of your food. She said if we stop doing either of those, the weight will come back on--it's just how it is. (And if we do both, the weight will come off.) It's a marriage of the two and we need both.

T E R R Y

***Life has no remote. Get up and change it yourself!
***"I can do all things through Christ!" Phillipians 4:13




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6/6/12 8:05 A

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This topic has been a little slow! Thought I'd post again and see if we can get chatting.

I have not ordered those shorts, I have the website up still so I can order them but I've needed to put money toward other things first. Turns out to be just as well, not only are that size shorts out of stock now, but I've been exercising and I've dropped a size!!!

It's been nice to have the muscle soreness from exercise, not sheer pain. Though it is interesting trying to work my arms, I'm trying to be gentle but I've apparently done too much so it's hard to make them work!! LOL!!

I've not been exercising long but am already seeing a difference, and I really like that. I'm very happy about that, and I'm feeling proud of myself.



*´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·Trillian*´¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·*
***********************

"One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well." - Virginia Woolf

"Don't give up, just keep giving." character Sam on Touched by an Angel, episode Indigo Angel

"Keep Moving Forward" Disney/Pixar's Meet The Robinsons

"There is no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate" - Buffy, the Vampire Slayer


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GENTLEVIKING's Photo GENTLEVIKING Posts: 3,788
5/14/12 2:30 P

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"Terry, I had a rather genius idea if I do say so myself ..... Why don't I buy more shorts? "

Isn't it a hoot that neither one of us thought of that at first?!!! LOL!!!! It must have been a monday, because seems like we both were a bit slow in the brain department! emoticon

Well, enjoy your new shorts--you were the one who thought of it! (Which REALLY shows how slow I am, because that idea STILL had not occured to me! LOL!!) emoticon

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***Life has no remote. Get up and change it yourself!
***"I can do all things through Christ!" Phillipians 4:13




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5/14/12 8:11 A

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Terry, I had a rather genius idea if I do say so myself .....


Why don't I buy more shorts?



Brilliant, no? I went online yesterday and found the same brand, same shorts, I like and put together an order. Once I deposit my paycheck I can order them.

What a concept!!!


*´¨)
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(¸.·Trillian*´¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·*
***********************

"One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well." - Virginia Woolf

"Don't give up, just keep giving." character Sam on Touched by an Angel, episode Indigo Angel

"Keep Moving Forward" Disney/Pixar's Meet The Robinsons

"There is no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate" - Buffy, the Vampire Slayer


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5/9/12 7:12 A

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That's a great idea! Thanks!

I'm thinking to start dropping off my laundry to have it done, maybe not every week, but maybe once a month, get everything a good cleaning.

I'm slowly starting to add more activities in - it's Wednesday and I'm as tired as if it was Friday, but I'm getting stronger. The person I spent time with last night was disorganized and unfocused, and the time rather tired me out. But I'm learning not everyone is like that, some people and events soothe me, and even if I'm tired I'm not *that* tired.

I was up 4 hours after I got home just to unwind from the evening!


I hope things go well today - the prosecutor is supposed to call me this afternoon and let me know how it goes in court and if my abuser is getting out today or not, then he has 48 hours to leave the county.

So soon I won't have to have all those safety devices on me. But I still prefer my jean shorts!!



*´¨)
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(¸.·Trillian*´¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·*
***********************

"One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well." - Virginia Woolf

"Don't give up, just keep giving." character Sam on Touched by an Angel, episode Indigo Angel

"Keep Moving Forward" Disney/Pixar's Meet The Robinsons

"There is no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate" - Buffy, the Vampire Slayer


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5/8/12 10:26 A

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Do you have any Fabreeze? I'm not sure how "safe" it is on clothing or against our skin, but I have been known to on rare occasions if I'm in a pinch to spray the only clean pants I have on hand because it's laundry day I don't have a thing clean. Maybe that would work. It did seem to freshen up my jeans and smelt like they had been freshly washed.

T E R R Y

***Life has no remote. Get up and change it yourself!
***"I can do all things through Christ!" Phillipians 4:13




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5/8/12 7:38 A

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That's funny that you're quoting my quote!


Well, there is an element of seriousness to it. I have to carry my cell phone, pepper spray, and restraining order, and have it readily available (well, the restraining order I can have in a purse or something). They all fit and stay in my jean shorts, but not in my other shorts.

So I'm always wondering if my cell phone is going to fall out and break or something. I'm considering using a hip bag, but the weight of these things can be hard on my back, plus they're just not as readily available as if they are in my pockets.

I carry a backpack around, but it gets heavy. Sometimes I just want to carry 'myself' there, not my whole everything on my back. If I can put everything in my pockets that's really nice.

So it kinda sucks that my shorts don't dry quickly and that they smell.



*´¨)
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***********************

"One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well." - Virginia Woolf

"Don't give up, just keep giving." character Sam on Touched by an Angel, episode Indigo Angel

"Keep Moving Forward" Disney/Pixar's Meet The Robinsons

"There is no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate" - Buffy, the Vampire Slayer


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5/7/12 11:26 A

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Having trouble with shorts, Trill? Well, as a famous warrior once said:

"There is no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate" - Buffy, the Vampire Slayer

LOL!!! Sorry for my sillyness---but I had just noticed that quote on your posts! So funny!!! And, I would tend to agree with it! Hehe!

I live in shorts in summer months, too, so I understand your frustration!

T E R R Y

***Life has no remote. Get up and change it yourself!
***"I can do all things through Christ!" Phillipians 4:13




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5/7/12 7:45 A

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Well, I'm bummed. My jean shorts still aren't drying! It's frustrating. They keep smelling like mildew.

It's frustrating because it's the only pair of shorts I have that I can put things in my pockets. Stuff stays in those pockets, doesn't fall out.

But also all I wear every day is shorts, and without those shorts I only have one other pair! So I wear the same thing every day.

I know, I could have worse problems ...

One of these days I'll have to summon the strength to actually go to the laundromat.


*´¨)
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(¸.·Trillian*´¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·*
***********************

"One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well." - Virginia Woolf

"Don't give up, just keep giving." character Sam on Touched by an Angel, episode Indigo Angel

"Keep Moving Forward" Disney/Pixar's Meet The Robinsons

"There is no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate" - Buffy, the Vampire Slayer


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5/1/12 11:30 P

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"Hey Mr. Gentleviking----Has anyone ever told you that you look a lot like Earnest Hemingway?"

Hey, thanks for the compliment, Ronald! Now if I could only write like him!!! Ha!

Actually, I had never thought about it or had anyone say it, but yeah, I sorta see what you mean about a resemblance being there...like maybe he and I could be brothers. Post us a bigger pic of yourself so we can say which celebrity you look like! Hehe!

Seriously, thanks for bringing that to my attention.




T E R R Y

***Life has no remote. Get up and change it yourself!
***"I can do all things through Christ!" Phillipians 4:13




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5/1/12 6:47 P

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MT, you're making me jealous! And homesick!

I used to live out by San Francisco and would go there regularly. I've spent a lot of time at and around the Ferry Building and on the Bay. I used to go sailing quite a bit.



Terry, I'm glad you're feeling better!

*´¨)
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(¸.·Trillian*´¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·*
***********************

"One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well." - Virginia Woolf

"Don't give up, just keep giving." character Sam on Touched by an Angel, episode Indigo Angel

"Keep Moving Forward" Disney/Pixar's Meet The Robinsons

"There is no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate" - Buffy, the Vampire Slayer


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5/1/12 5:36 P

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Hey Mr. Gentleviking----Has anyone ever told you that you look a lot like Earnest Hemingway?

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5/1/12 8:46 A

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A note to everyone: I'm so sorry I went missing on ya the past few days. I became sick with a very strong stomach virus (my mom had it before me). Couldn't hold much down, so I didn't eat much and all I felt up to doing was lying down and watching TV or sleeping. Just didn't have the strength to sit up and answer emails.

But the good news is I feel so much better today and am back to normal again (well, about 90 percent there). So I may or may not be able to catch up on everything---please forgive me if I can't. But I am so glad to be back!

T E R R Y

***Life has no remote. Get up and change it yourself!
***"I can do all things through Christ!" Phillipians 4:13




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5/1/12 8:41 A

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Happy May 1st to everyone. Almost time for me to get ready for my morning cruise (aka ferry ride) across San Francisco Bay to work. I only have to drive 1 1/2 miles and there's lots of parking at the ferry terminal esp at 6:30 am. It's mostly the same folks every day so sort of like a big coffee klatch, except for the ones catching a few more zzz's! Maybe I'll get to see a few pelicans fishing for breakfast.

--------------------------------------
MT in California

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled.  For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.“ ~ Unknown


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4/27/12 6:55 A

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Where is everybody? I hope you're all out exercising.

For myself, I tried doing a few more things this week but it was really too much. Turns out I don't have to work Saturday and I am deeply grateful that I have 2 full days off - I so SO so so need it.

Weather is pleasantly nice, I've been having breakfast and dinner outside! Very nice way to bookmark the day.

*´¨)
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(¸.·Trillian*´¨)
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***********************

"One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well." - Virginia Woolf

"Don't give up, just keep giving." character Sam on Touched by an Angel, episode Indigo Angel

"Keep Moving Forward" Disney/Pixar's Meet The Robinsons

"There is no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate" - Buffy, the Vampire Slayer


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4/25/12 8:15 A

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It was actually chilly enough this morning I put on the heater for a while! Tht's pretty unusual. I thought about using the heater last night but I was OK in bed.

It actually wasn't that cold, high 60s, but cold and my back pain don't get along well, and I needed warmth to take a shower for work.

Very tired, I was up late (late for me) and woke well before my alarm, so I hope I do all right at work.

*´¨)
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(¸.·Trillian*´¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·*
***********************

"One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well." - Virginia Woolf

"Don't give up, just keep giving." character Sam on Touched by an Angel, episode Indigo Angel

"Keep Moving Forward" Disney/Pixar's Meet The Robinsons

"There is no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate" - Buffy, the Vampire Slayer


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4/25/12 7:41 A

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I do appreciate your advice! Like I said earlier, obviously at times I'm not thinking clearly so to get other people's input helps a lot. Also my Sponsor isn't instantly available, she does have a life.

Talking it over with her last night she was of the same mind you are, and said that my negative reactions to his letter were reasonable. I wrote out a whole direct letter to him, 5 pages, about why I'm upset about his response, how he seems to be pinning too much weight on me, and that he is dangerous to me when drunk and he won't even acknowledge that so how can I possibly let him back in?

I also told him I don't know if I even want the relationship any more because he seems to not get it, not take this seriously, and doesn't seem to be doing any sobriety work. He either is and isn't sharing it with me, or isn't - either way that's not something I can live with.

After all, since I can't see him all I have are his letters - he's got all day in jail, if he can't put a letter together to try to get me to understand he's really taking responsibility for himself why should I let him back into my life to potentially disrupt it all over again?

Already, as I had mentioned, I was feeling like I really didn't want this relationship any more. When I was reading a letter and I had written "I love you", I couldn't find those feelings in me.

I had written him a lot, and rewritten the letters to be more "I" statements, less "you" statements, trying to be nice. This time I'm being blunt and direct. I read it again this morning and it sounds kind of harsh, but I think I'm going to go with it.

I think he thinks there's nothing much in the way of consequences. He'll be out of jail after a few weeks, apparently he's "not worried about" the fact that he has a felony for battery on his record now, and he's all pie in the sky happy and lovey in his letters about coming "home" (which I keep emphasising in my letters is MY home, MINE, not his.)

And you're right - it's easy to sit in front of me and be totally drunk off his gourd but something else entirely to do so in front of his Sponsor or the Fellowship. He has to turn to his HP for help, not me. I am fallable, I will let him down. I will always give him an "excuse" to drink, and I want no part of that.

I think I'm about ready to be done. It's funny in one of his letters he said it was fair to see how this separation affects us before ending the relationship, I've been working on myself every day, I've been going to meetings, I've been talking to people, I've been working my program, I've been talking to my Sponsor ... and I'm ready to end the relationship without tears and sadness. I don't know what he's been doing.


In terms of dating, I was laughing with my Sponsor last night saying I don't think I have permission to date yet!!! LOL!!

But I can hang out, socialize, be friends.


And yeah, I do like the quiet, peaceful nights (and days!) in my house by myself.


*´¨)
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(¸.·Trillian*´¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·*
***********************

"One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well." - Virginia Woolf

"Don't give up, just keep giving." character Sam on Touched by an Angel, episode Indigo Angel

"Keep Moving Forward" Disney/Pixar's Meet The Robinsons

"There is no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate" - Buffy, the Vampire Slayer


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4/24/12 10:47 P

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"Other men have started expressing interest as well which is very nice, but I was starting to wonder if there's any "there" for a while now."

If you do have that hope of finding a true love someday, then why not give another guy a chance? Who says you have to return to the old boyfriend? Remember, only "you" are putting that rule to your life---nobody else is. Maybe it's time to "shop around" and see if there isn't something better out there?

On the other hand, always keep in mind that you may not need a man in your life right now, too. I know it depends on the person, but maybe a year or two on your own would be a good thing?

Oh, sorry I had a senior moment there and was forgetting he was in jail--yep, that kinda does prevent the drinking, doesn't it! Ha!

"and he seems to be pinning a lot of the "easiness" on the fact he has me, a place to stay, and that we'll be doing our programs together"

Yeah, that, to me, does not sound good. I think a true "convert" to non-drinking (if he's an A.A. member, I mean) looks to the group for his sobriety, or to his Higher Power...but not to one person or even to a relationship. That makes it too easy. He knows if he messes up and drinks you might forgive his blunders in the privacy of your home...but would he be so brave in the front of the group? That probably scares him, to be accountable to a whole group of people. Being accountable to you is easy by comparrison.

"I don't think he realizes how angry and scary he can get when he's drunk."

You just described how I felt with my late brother. In general he didn't get physcial with me (except for once), but he would act very angry, in a way that scared me. Like he wanted to hurt me. And of course he didn't realize he was that way when he drank. I would tell him what he did the next day and he had no memory of it.

People who drink are medicated. They have no idea how scary they can be. They can't remember what they did. So why should you have to? Why deal with that kind of madness? Why upset your serenity with it?

Yeah, the fact that he isn't mentioning the things he did wrong or your house rules sounds like he's "unrepentant". He's done nothing wrong, in his book. Yeah...the more you tell me, Trill, the more I think I'd think twice about inviting this guy back into your life. Like always, it's your call. But how can someone who's not really wanting to change help your life out?

And what about these other men who show interest? Maybe they could actually help you out and help you grow into the person you want to be.

But like I said before, maybe you just need to be alone for a while and "just be you"?

Not sure...and I really shouldn't be giving you all this advice like I'm "Mr. Dear Abby" or something! LOL!!! Like I said, I'm an uncle and I think you remind me of my niece somehow....so I catch myself giving advice.

Hey, somebody else jump in here! Trill is probably gettin' tired of hearing me talk! Hehe!

Take care and hope you have a good, quiet, manless evening! Ha! Like I said, there's something to be said for peace and quiet!





T E R R Y

***Life has no remote. Get up and change it yourself!
***"I can do all things through Christ!" Phillipians 4:13




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4/24/12 7:13 P

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Terry I understand what you mean about taking the car in. I used to do a lot of my own car repairs as well, but starting in the mid-80s the cars just started getting harder and harder to work on. I haven't done any of my own car repair in quite some time. Don't feel bad - they're made that way now!! Ya just gotta take it into the shop whether you like it or not ... unless you have days to work on it and tiny fingers.



I've been trying to talk to my Sponsor about the BF, about how to write back to him. Honestly as time goes by I'm very much less and less interested in "dating" him. Other men have started expressing interest as well which is very nice, but I was starting to wonder if there's any "there" there for a while now.

Oh, and being in jail he hasn't been drinking, so he *has* quit due to lack of options, but I think being out here will be a big difference. (He also by default quit smoking, also because it's not allowed in jail.)

Yeah, saying quitting drinking will be easy worries me. Well, not TOO much because he won't be living with me, but that doesn't seem like a good sign. He doesn't understand that we have to each work our own programs - he thinks we'll be doing this together, and he seems to be pinning a lot of the "easiness" on the fact he has me, a place to stay, and that we'll be doing our programs together.

He also didn't address the fight he got into with the neighbor that got him arrested, that he has damaged my house, that he pushes and shoves me sometimes when he's drunk, shouts at me, and sometimes tries to keep me from leaving the house or getting away from him when he's drunk. He also spent a lot of his first few letters trying to get me to change my story, and I said I didn't want to do that because 1) that would be a lie, and 2) I don't think he realizes how angry and scary he can get when he's drunk.

That's the biggest problem I have far and away, he didn't address that AT ALL. Not a thing. Far and away this concerns me most. Saying he thinks it will be easy for him as an alcoholic to stop drinking is a relatively distant second, and all the rest is behind that (like my list of new house rules he didn't talk about either).

Part of me wants to give him a chance, part of me thinks he doesn't get it, he hasn't hit bottom yet, and part of me wonders why I'm dealing with him at all when there are so many other men out there who don't have drinking (or other addiction) problems.

I don't know if I'm having a reasonable response to his letter. I really like checking with people because I know I have distorted thinking sometimes.



Outside of that work is going well - I recognized today part of my ability to handle it well is that for the last couple weeks we haven't been blasting the radio on top of all the other sounds, and also I'm not always the one doing all the dishes. Oh and the "banger clanger" girl has stopped hating on me.

There are other things I've come to recognize, dynamics that were dragging me down, and I've been slowly starting to shift that around so I'm not so exhausted.

This week I'm trying to add a couple activities and see how that goes. I did one thing tonight and was glad I went, but also not glad as I'm exceptionally more tired and feel pressed for time now vs. having a relaxing evening. I'll get it together eventually.



*´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·Trillian*´¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·*
***********************

"One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well." - Virginia Woolf

"Don't give up, just keep giving." character Sam on Touched by an Angel, episode Indigo Angel

"Keep Moving Forward" Disney/Pixar's Meet The Robinsons

"There is no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate" - Buffy, the Vampire Slayer


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4/24/12 6:34 P

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" I can tell he's not put *any* effort into learning about sobriety, and he said "quitting drinking will be easy""

I see what ya mean! Interesting how he says it "will be" easy to quit...obviously he's not quit yet! And it's NOT easy quitting drinking. I saw how my brother struggled with quitting. It's the same as someone like me quitting my "addiction" to sweets--very hard to do and I admit that I could even use some help doing it (Sugarholics Anonymous! LOL!!). So beware when they say "it's easy" to quit!

"and seems to be resting too much of *his* sobriety on *my* shoulders."

Yeah, another danger sign! We can't make anyone sober. It's totally their choice and totally up to them to do the things that will make them sober. All we can do is support them---but its mostly all up to them. I'm glad you are seeing these things and spotting the "errors" in his thinking.

Glad to hear work has slowed down some. That should make the day easier for you.

I've not had the best day, myself. Nothing dramatic: just had to take my car to the shop because of a very leaky radiator. I may be a guy, but I HATE taking a car to a garage! I don't know much about cars and always feel like I'm at their mercy! The garage was overloaded with customers, too, so I suspect I'll be without a car for several days. Forgive me...I just needed to complain to someone! Hehe!

T E R R Y

***Life has no remote. Get up and change it yourself!
***"I can do all things through Christ!" Phillipians 4:13




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4/24/12 7:46 A

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Thanks Terry! I appreciate the wisdom and the support. It's really nice to talk stuff out. You all helped me from making a bad decision. I was thinking to let my BF back into my life, my house, and when so many people (everyone) said "don't do it!" I figured I was probably not thinking clearly.

I got a letter from him yesterday and I'm even MORE glad than I was before not to let him into my house. I had asked him to respond to my letter where I listed all my fears and concerns, and he didn't mention some of the worst parts, from the letter I can tell he's not put *any* effort into learning about sobriety, and he said "quitting drinking will be easy" which I find downright, well, I want to say frightening, but there are degrees, but the point is that I don't think he really "gets it" yet, and seems to be resting too much of *his* sobriety on *my* shoulders.



I do think I'm getting more used to the work demands, but also we are getting slower. We had about 25% fewer tickets / people than usual, and most of those were one item, simple orders, compared to the long lists of sandwiches, salads and smoothies we get sometimes.

Tips were about the same as usual which is wonderful! But I like that things are slowing down a bit as I'm not running around so crazy all the time. I also walked only 5 miles yesterday when 10 is much more common.


I am working on Saturday - I'm a bit nervous about that as it's giving up one of my valuable rest days, but I missed a lot of work being sick and my paycheck was abysmal. Fortunately the propety manager is flexible - I may have to pay rent over the next several weeks.



How's everything going for everyone?



*´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·Trillian*´¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·*
***********************

"One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well." - Virginia Woolf

"Don't give up, just keep giving." character Sam on Touched by an Angel, episode Indigo Angel

"Keep Moving Forward" Disney/Pixar's Meet The Robinsons

"There is no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate" - Buffy, the Vampire Slayer


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4/23/12 12:23 P

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"Turns out as part of the guy's probation he has to leave the county so if he bothers me at all he's in double heavy duty trouble."

Good! At least he's got that to maybe make him think twice about bothering you.

"For the ex, I decided to open up and be his girlfriend again, give him a chance, but I'm not letting him back in my house until he proves he's got his act together. I wrote him a letter over the weekend and will be mailing it today."

Like I said, it has to be your decision. Perhaps it would be good to just date him from a distance, too, until he proves himself...well, that's actually what you said you plan on doing, isn't it! Ha!

"I also have been doing better with the exhaustion"

Yes, it sounds to me like your body is adjusting to the extra work. If this is the case, Trill, you will begin to find yourself with more energy, because your body is getting stronger. Take note of this too: a man in your life may not be as much of a necessity anymore! Like the song from "Rocky" goes, "Getting stronger!!!" Sounds like you are! But again, it's your call. You sound like a smart person to me and I respect your judgement.

"So I feel more confident I can take care of my life, that I don't need to bring him in largely for help and safety"

Well there ya go! Why am I giving you advice, girl, you are way ahead of me on this! Hehe! I'm proud of you!

"I described how I've been with my Sponsor and she says that's called "Serenity" which rather blew me away. I'm digging it! "

Serenity is good!!! "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can...and the wisdom to know the difference." Many "things and situations" in our lives we can change, I think, if we try...but most "people" in our lives we cannot change, I think, because they are who they are and they are at where they are at. Only they can change and "grow up" at their own pace.

So having your own inner serenity is a GOOD and valuable gift. Never let it go if you can help it. Always want it back if you lose it and try to get it back. It's of great value.

"(And I might just go out of town that weekend - he has 48 hours to tidy up his affairs here and get out of Dodge.)"

Wow, you ARE a smart gal!!! I'm impressed!!!

" and I woke up to the wildlife coming awake - being so nice I had my windows open and all the birds and what not were rather a lot LOUDER this morning, Nice way to wake up!"

Serenity. You are surrounded by it.



T E R R Y

***Life has no remote. Get up and change it yourself!
***"I can do all things through Christ!" Phillipians 4:13




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4/23/12 7:31 A

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Terry, yeah, I've talked to everyone I can. My neighbors are tricky because they don't speak English. Turns out as part of the guy's probation he has to leave the county so if he bothers me at all he's in double heavy duty trouble.

For the ex, I decided to open up and be his girlfriend again, give him a chance, but I'm not letting him back in my house until he proves he's got his act together. I wrote him a letter over the weekend and will be mailing it today.

I also have been doing better with the exhaustion - I find if I do things in the morning (and not fool around on Spark) I can manage to get my errands done. I'm also sleeping more like 10-11 hours now instead of 12-14, and I'm not sleeping a whole day away on the weekends, although I am napping quite a bit. I just don't plan to do anything on the weekends and stay relaxed and that's been helping.

So I feel more confident I can take care of my life, that I don't need to bring him in largely for help and safety, and I'm not so amped up and whirring in my head. I didn't realize how "crazy" my mind had gotten until the last several days.

I described how I've been with my Sponsor and she says that's called "Serenity" which rather blew me away. I'm digging it! That is definitely something that I value and is making it easier to keep the BF at arms' length. (Plus I learned he has lots of help and options available to him, so the concern I felt before is gone.)

Being more calm and centered, and less exhausted, also helps in that I know I can work my safety plan now, which makes a big difference. (And I might just go out of town that weekend - he has 48 hours to tidy up his affairs here and get out of Dodge.)

I'm excited this morning I'm off to the post office to get some books and stuff I ordered, and I woke up to the wildlife coming awake - being so nice I had my windows open and all the birds and what not were rather a lot LOUDER this morning, Nice way to wake up!



*´¨)
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(¸.·Trillian*´¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·*
***********************

"One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well." - Virginia Woolf

"Don't give up, just keep giving." character Sam on Touched by an Angel, episode Indigo Angel

"Keep Moving Forward" Disney/Pixar's Meet The Robinsons

"There is no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate" - Buffy, the Vampire Slayer


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4/20/12 10:42 A

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Note to Michele if you're reading this today: Michele, I've added some new pics to my sparkpage. One of them is the shelf you inspired---let me know what ya think!

Also thought I'd add the most recent pic of me: see, I told you guys I had turned grey! Some of my nieces and nephews now call me Santa Claus! I guess I'm still vain in my old age, because I'm NOT ready to be called Santa Claus! LOL! So this will be my "before" pic before I get out some hair color! (Yep, I know it's a losing battle with aging, and I need to just accept it, but that's just me.)

One of the pics of my kitchen area is sideways, Michele! I'm so terrible at managing pictures in a computer...I seem to forget how to do it each time I set out to do it! I'll try to correct that soon.

T E R R Y

***Life has no remote. Get up and change it yourself!
***"I can do all things through Christ!" Phillipians 4:13




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4/19/12 4:13 P

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"And the biggest thing I'm realizing is that I have no power over the man who attacked me, and no power over my BF"

It's so true that we can't control other people or situations, but we can learn to control ourselves better--like making choices that are good for us in the long run. (I'm not preaching at ya, cause I'm still trying to learn this, myself! Ha!)

For instance, you might want to consider someday taking self defense classes! Yeah, I know it sounds crazy...but if your health and strength ever start to improve, you might want to consider it. My late brother always wished that I would learn self defense, just in case I were to ever encounter anyone who meant me harm. I know you're not in that stage yet to take classes...but it's a thought for someday. It's empowering to know you're not "the typical gal" when you know how to defend yourself.

Yeah, the law does seem to have that "after the fact" thing going on...and sometimes that's too late to help someone when its "after the fact". Yep, times like this I wish you were living near your family, even though they are in their own worlds, sounds like.

I'd recommend letting a few people "in" on your situation. Someone at work...someone in your neighborhood...just in case you might need to call for help, or if they spot someone snooping around that shouldn't be there. It's good to have a "wall of protection", and sometimes that means having to open up to others about what's going on. Trust me, it's worth the risk.



T E R R Y

***Life has no remote. Get up and change it yourself!
***"I can do all things through Christ!" Phillipians 4:13




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4/19/12 7:33 A

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Thanks Terry. Yes talking it out helps, and that's been one of the things I'm concerned with is I'm too exhausted to work my safety plan. And I've talked to the state's attorney and the police and a bunch of other folks and basically everything is all after the fact. If he hurts me again they can do something about it, but not before. Which makes sense. But all that stuff was leading to my exhaustion as well, which I didn't realize. At least now I'm fully aware of why I'm so tired.

I really don't have an option about quitting the job unless I can get disability, I just have to muddle through somehow and hope that I keep doing well enough that I don't get fired. Supposedly we're entering the "slow time" so while that means less tip money, it should mean I'm not running around crazy all the time, and can maybe have a chance to recuperate a bit.

Its funny you had pizza and root beer too! That pizza is still making me ill. I decided to skip fooling around on spark and wake up, and head over to the grocery store and the post office instead.

I'm holding off making some descisions / emotional investments in my bf until I hear more from him. I had sent him a letter fully discussing all the things he did that made me nervous, scared, angry or resentful, all the things that worry me if he comes back into the house, and I've not heard back from him about any of that, so I have to see.

And the biggest thing I'm realizing is that I have no power over the man who attacked me, and no power over my BF, and I have a whole list of reasonable thoughts, desires, and fears, but I have absolutely no control over either of them, so any decision I make can work well, totally explode in my face, or anything in between, and I really don't like living in that place of such high uncertainty, such actual potential danger, and so little control.



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***********************

"One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well." - Virginia Woolf

"Don't give up, just keep giving." character Sam on Touched by an Angel, episode Indigo Angel

"Keep Moving Forward" Disney/Pixar's Meet The Robinsons

"There is no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate" - Buffy, the Vampire Slayer


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4/18/12 10:38 P

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Yeah, I know what you mean about worrying that maybe we are talking too much "off topic" and somebody is gonna get upset or something...but at least we realize that and so would not be too upset if someone shouted "get back on topic, guys!!!" LOL!! But then again, this section of the group is "week day tea time"...so this IS an area of the group where we can discuss many things on our minds, not just veganism.

At least you are exploring possibilities and thinking things over. Sometimes just "talking" about things can help a person make their decision for what's right for them. My oldest sister is an example. She brings her problems to me over the phone and we talk all about it and I give her my advice, which she never takes!...but she says just talking to me about it helps her make up her mind for what's right for her. So maybe just writing folks about your problems is helping you figure them out.

How cool that you found a Salavation Army brochure! Is that a coincidence? I'd say probably not! Yeah, give them a call and see if maybe you get a different "vibe" from them about helping you. And the person who will run errands is also a wonderful find! See...things may be coming together already!

Perhaps since the job is new, it might be good to give it another month and see. A physical job is a lot like weight lifting: once your body gets used to it, the soreness and fatigue goes away and in it's place comes energy. Hopefully that might happen with you, too.

How wild! You know what I did yesterday? I went off my eating plan and ate a regular pizza, too! Ha! (It sorta made me sick, too!) and one of my favorite sodas is Root Beer, which I drank with it! Ha! Talk about coincidence! (Not to mention that I'm also having an ant problem! I live in the woods, and last year had a little problem with them, but this year it's been terrible. It's probably not vegan, I know, but I found a supposidly great ant killer that I'm trying now. But I tend to view ants as insects and not animals...so I don't feel as much guilt, there.)

I'm sorry to hear of this person who attacked you, and we certainly don't want you to be in danger. So it's a decision only you can make about the boyfriend. Of course you could make the police aware of the situation or something, if you don't want to bother with the boyfriend. I honestly don't know what to tell you. Situations like this are so "individual" and have to be handled that way. Just keep praying about it and asking for guidance in doing the right thing. Then go with what has come to feel "right" in your heart to do.

We all wish you the best, Trill, and want you to have a good, safe and happy life.



T E R R Y

***Life has no remote. Get up and change it yourself!
***"I can do all things through Christ!" Phillipians 4:13




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4/18/12 12:32 P

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Wow, Terry, that was a really touching post! Since you've numbered them, I'll respond that way too! (And thanks for the laugh! I actually switched from the Dew to my favorite energy drink and that was good. I also broke down and got a pizza and it felt very good to eat, even though the pizza made me sick.)

1. Yes my minister has talked to me about going to social services, and there is a lot of red tape, and because I look more functional than I am, and because I am more functional than others, and because I've been responsible enough to not have children I can't care for, I do end up slipping through the cracks.

Also because of the nature of my church's teachings are that everything we do is a mirror of ourselves, and a way to get closer to God / Spirit / TPTB by whatever name people are most comfortable, and that people are extras in the movies we are creating, I think that gets in the way of getting help.

I think also because I am "presenting" more functional than I am, the minister truly doesn't understand I CAN *NOT* get to a meeting to ask for a ride to a meeting ... because I can NOT get to the meeting! A bike will not help if I am too exhausted to use it. This kind of problem I run into regularly.

2. I have not had this job long, This is my 6th week. And yes, it is possible that I will become more accustomed to the physical requirements of this job. Already I don't hurt so much with the juicer, and am shlepping 25 lb bags of carrots on my shoulder vs. always having to ask someone else.

I asked on Spark in Fitness and they said it would take about 4-6 weeks to get used to new activity, so perhaps in 4-6 weeks more we'll see I guess. I know when I did my last job that was physical labor, while some aspects of it did become less painful and easier, it was still painful and exhausting.

3. I do think working something like an office job would be better for me, less physically demanding. However I work in a tourist town and such jobs are extremely few and far between. This has been one of the less demanding jobs I have worked since I moved here.

4. I know what you're saying about my ex, and I am very torn, because I do care for him, and he has been very good to me, and having problems with drinking myself I can appreciate the desire to be given a chance to do right and make good.

This is actually part of my fatigue I'm realizing. Because so many people think it's so well and wonderful he got arrested, and so right that I break up with him, there is no room for me to grieve the loss of the relationship. There is no space for me to be lonely, for me to talk about it with anyone. Everyone around me is happy, and happy for me. And I'm very sad and lonely, and I miss all the good parts, and I miss all the ways he helped me through a really bad time.

And that really bad time spun out of a bad situation - I was a victim of a terrible crime and it affected me profoundly. He helped me a lot with getting out of the emotional devestation that the crime left behind. Not that I'm totally out of it, that's still affecting me too.

Also the man who committed the crime is getting out of jail soon, and people who have seen him, who know him, are confident he's going to come after me again, despite the restraining order, despite his probation which means he has to leave the county.

One of the things my ex did (while sober at least) was help form a wall of protection for me, and helped make me feel safe. With him in jail and the other guy getting out, I have been feeling quite afraid. I keep reminding myself I'm safe right now, but there will come a time very soon where I will be very not safe.

I probably shouldn't be talking about this here on Spark, I've tried not to, so if I have to snip it out, I will, and hopefully I won't get a big reprimand about it.

But that's the thing, I can't talk about that with anyone either. I've mentioned it to a few people and I know after the fact things can be done, but there's that whole before the fact thing that terrifies me.

Right now my life is a lot of unknown and frankly, a lot of fear. I keep trying to do all the right things of put a smile on my face, to the next right thing, do my work - but underneath I feel so much uncertainty and fear, and I don't have anyone to talk to about it, not REALLY talk to about it.

As I was "naughty" yesterday and stayed up and "played" and goofed around I became wholly relaxed, and this is what I realized is deep underneath everything.

So yeah, if my ex does as he says, then I have the potential of having a loving man in my life, helping me around the house with basic living requirements, and also someone to help keep me safe, undamaged. My ex also has written me terms and conditions for himself that I can live with. So I have to admit I'm thinking about it. The man who hurt me so badly will be getting out of jail in 4 weeks, a week after my ex.


5. Yes, keep praying is good, and it's interesting you mention the Salvation Army as I found a pamplet while I was being "naughty" yesterday and cleaning up my house, it lists all the community resources in the area, so I do have it in my to-do pile to look at and see if I can get help. I also came across someone who will run errands for tips, including groceries, so I'm thinking to give this person a call and see if they can help. Also a member of my Al-Anon group is giving me a ride to tomorrow's meeting at the other side of town.

6. Thanks about Sparker's listening. Sometimes I feel like I sound like I'm very negative and complaining all the time, and even with this I feel like I'm being a pain in the heinie, and I worry I'm saying things I probably should not.

7. LOL!!! Yes, hear you on the Mountain Dews! I have a half-finished one from the other day I've been leaving for the ants. They are enjoying it far more than I am!! (I did break open another one of my favorite energy drinks though! I ran out of root beer, darn it!)

Thanks for the laugh!!!


8. My family is more concerned about themselves or how I can make people around me happy and comfortable. I don't need that added stress. I already do what I can to make people around me comfortable as possible with my condition, and I already do what I can to hide my condition from my co-workers and employers. When I'm coming to them for help and support, telling me to take care of strangers, co-workers, people around me, it really, well, had me have an emotional breakdown.

My Dad did loan me some money and that helped a lot. I told him some about the damage my body recieved and how treatment used up my savings. Which is a lie - I had no savings, and though I did get treatment I have no idea how to pay for that hospital bill. And yes, it should have been paid due to being a victim of a crime, but due to bureaucratic paperwork the bill lands on my shoulders.

And finally, one of my hesitations about therapy again is that the counsellor I was seeing has been seeing me since the beginning, she knows how far I've come, she knows the story. I don't know how effectively I could work with someone else, how long it would take to "get caught up to speed". There's all those little statements, nuances, all that information from a long period of conversations that frames and gives depth to a situation that becomes more than "was a victim of an assault" which is all I would be to the new therapist.

Ok ... so the drama queen.




*´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·Trillian*´¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·*
***********************

"One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well." - Virginia Woolf

"Don't give up, just keep giving." character Sam on Touched by an Angel, episode Indigo Angel

"Keep Moving Forward" Disney/Pixar's Meet The Robinsons

"There is no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate" - Buffy, the Vampire Slayer


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4/17/12 10:36 P

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I did forget to mention one thing on my list of things. I guess this would be number 8 on the list!

8. Consider moving closer to family. Yep, I know that's a hard one...and like you said, your family may not be all that "useful" to you. They may not help you like they should. But this comes from a boy who can't imagine not having family nearby: at the very least family could visit you once in a while, or they could call without it being long distance. And surely if your family saw how desperately you needed help, they would finally give in and help?

My family doesn't visit me often, but if I need them they will come. They are close enough that I can visit them if I want to. I visit my parents probably twice a week, because they are elderly. It's good to have family nearby, in most cases. I know family's differ and can sometimes be REALLY dysfunctional, and maybe if yours is like that, you should stay away. But if there's any chance that they could be there for you, I'd encourage you to head back home, or near home, for a while.

T E R R Y

***Life has no remote. Get up and change it yourself!
***"I can do all things through Christ!" Phillipians 4:13




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4/17/12 10:21 P

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Trill, I'm like Tory and your messages break my heart and make me wish there was help for you. (It also makes me wonder how many people there might be in my own community in your exact same situation and who might need my help, if I would only have the courage to help.)

Trill...so many mixed feelings and emotions. Here's basically what I feel:

1. I'm so ashamed that the minister is not helping you. I had heard that ever since the government has taken over "caring" for people (social services, etc.) that the church finds itself taking a back seat to helping people, now. But there is so much red tape and so many cracks people fall through in the system, as you have, and need help from other sources, like the church. I'm so very sorry the church is not helping you as they should.

2. How long have you had this job? Could it be your muscles just have not had time to adjust to it yet, or have you been on the job for months and still get this tired?

3. If you've been on the job for months and still get this tired, you have a job that's too physcially demanding for your ability. Maybe you need a job where you sit most of the time? (Not sure what that would be. In my area there used to be factorys with assembly lines where the job involved sitting a lot.) But I know jobs are hard to find in a small town...I'm just throwing some ideas out there...not sure if they are useful for you or not.

4. Trill, as much as I agree 100 percent with everyone here that you should not go back to your boyfriend, only you can make that decision. I know sometimes folks have to make hard decisions in life. I don't mean to equate you to this woman, but I remember seeing a lady on a news show like "20/20" and she was a prostitute and talked about how people condemned her, but she said, "You never know what you might have to do in this life, especially if you look over and see that your children are starving!" True, she probably could have still held out a bit longer till something better than that came along...but I get what she's saying. This applies to you only in that none of us really know what hell you may be going through without the help you need. I'd prefer you didn't go back to this man...but I'm not living the life you are. I don't know how hard life may be for you. In the end, it "has" to be your decision, not ours. I'd rather see you go back to him than to lose all hope because you had no help. It has to be your call.

5. I know this group has people of all faiths, and of no faith...but as a person of faith, if I may, I'd encourage you to keep praying about it and perhaps even try contacting a different church for help. Is there a Salvation Army church in your area, for instance? Some churches are "geared" more towards service to others, and some are not. Keep praying and hang in there, friend. I can't imagine what folks like you and Michele go through with so many pain issues, but I hope you can keep hanging on. The answer may be just around the corner.

6. And yes, you can come to Spark People for a listening ear. Lots of good folks are hear and we can, at least, listen (and even pray for you).

7. And finally---stop drinking those Mountain Dews, girl! LOL!!! (I'm only kidding! I had to try to give you at least one laugh tonight!) emoticon

T E R R Y

***Life has no remote. Get up and change it yourself!
***"I can do all things through Christ!" Phillipians 4:13




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4/17/12 9:19 P

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Wow. Interesting incident tonight and I realized a great deal of my exhaustion is emotional.

Edited by: TRILLIANTOO at: 4/17/2012 (21:42)
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***********************

"One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well." - Virginia Woolf

"Don't give up, just keep giving." character Sam on Touched by an Angel, episode Indigo Angel

"Keep Moving Forward" Disney/Pixar's Meet The Robinsons

"There is no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate" - Buffy, the Vampire Slayer


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4/17/12 4:54 P

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I do not feel particularly busy nor particularly fit!

But it's what my job requires .... we're out of carrots in the juice bar? Bring a 25 lb bag of carrots to the front, dump them in the sink, and wash them. Bananas are ripe? Bring each 40 lb box from the back to the front and peel them all, one at a time, then dump the banana peels in the trash (amazingly heavy those peels!) Need juice? Hand squeeze dozens of pounds of citrus. Need to make salad dressing? Drag out the big heavy blender from under the counter. Then drag out the blender base. Then lift the filled blender onto the blender base. Then pour out the contents, put the blender base back, and wash the big heavy blender.

Every day wash all the dishes, so many industrial sized and heavy pots and pans, blenders, all the heavy pieces of the industrial veggie juicer.

Make the smoothies, drag out the huge jars of apple juice from the bottom shelf. Put away the 6 loaves of bread, every day the boxes of produce. Pounds and pounds of lettuce, zucchini, onions, peppers, cabbage. Pounds and pounds and pounds of produce.

Back and forth every day, back room, front room, back and forth, out to the store for things, and back, always carrying something.

I'm about in tears at the end of every day.

My pecs are almost about ready to stop hurting from using that manual citrus juicer! I miss the electric one but the doohickey on top that you set the fruit on is missing. At least I don't have to slice the bread - my cuts are so erratic I've been taken off any duty requiring precise cutting.



It's actually ridiculous and inappropriate for me to do all that heavy lifting, but I can't tell anyone about my injury or I won't have a job!

I spend SO much of my day in pain and near tears, having a hard time breathing, and trying to act just fine. It's quite tiring.



Edited by: TRILLIANTOO at: 4/17/2012 (16:57)
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***********************

"One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well." - Virginia Woolf

"Don't give up, just keep giving." character Sam on Touched by an Angel, episode Indigo Angel

"Keep Moving Forward" Disney/Pixar's Meet The Robinsons

"There is no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate" - Buffy, the Vampire Slayer


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4/17/12 4:36 P

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Oh my goodness! You're one busy person! The good news is you appear to be amazingly fit!!!

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4/17/12 4:32 P

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I really appreciate the concern and acknolwedgement, and being able to talk about this.

I hadn't realized it but I've been trying to handle this burden myself to a large extent, focus on the positive, do the next right thing and all that, but this is very hard and I feel very alone.

I feel like much of what I'm doing is in support of others and because in most areas of my life I have to *not* share any of this, what I am going through becomes harder, but sharing like this somehow feels now like my burden is easier.

There are also other things going on that I haven't shared on Spark, and I think the stress of that is affecting me as well.

And putting down that I'm burning 2,000 calories a day somehow makes it ok that I'm so incredibly exhausted to the point of dysfunction. It actually makes me hopeful that one day I'll be able to do this like it's nothing and have a normal life.



*´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·Trillian*´¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·*
***********************

"One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well." - Virginia Woolf

"Don't give up, just keep giving." character Sam on Touched by an Angel, episode Indigo Angel

"Keep Moving Forward" Disney/Pixar's Meet The Robinsons

"There is no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate" - Buffy, the Vampire Slayer


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4/17/12 4:21 P

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I think it's a combination of pain, activity, and atrophy for lack of a better word.

I have pain in my low back from a herniated disc. I do best when I can be entirely relaxed, but at work, with all the noise, the people, I have to tighten up, and that tightening (while excellent for my abs!) is not good for my back.

Activity I think is a lot of it, near as I can estimate I'm burning about 10,000 calories a week, between lifting 40lb boxes of bananas, 25 lb bags of carrots, and throughout the day numerous 5, 10, and 15 lb things of juices, peppers, gigantic blenders, heavy wheat grass juicing assemblies and the like. I'm also walking around 10 miles a day, sometimes more, much of that time spent carrying something very heavy.

And atrophy - I've not worked in a decade. I am unused to being on my feet for 8+ hours a day. Only recently have I been able to be upright all day long (sitting, standing, &/or walking in some combination) without mandatory lying down time. I'm not used to work demands. I'm not used to having to get up so early and work set hours. It's been a long time.


I think also my medication may be making me sleepy, and for that reason I tried going off it, but that ended up being a bad idea.


*´¨)
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(¸.·Trillian*´¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·*
***********************

"One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well." - Virginia Woolf

"Don't give up, just keep giving." character Sam on Touched by an Angel, episode Indigo Angel

"Keep Moving Forward" Disney/Pixar's Meet The Robinsons

"There is no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate" - Buffy, the Vampire Slayer


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4/17/12 4:13 P

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It's so frustrating that you cannot receive disability assistance, when you seem to be a prime candidate for it! Do you know what is causing all of this exhaustion?!

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4/17/12 4:06 P

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Ai.

I shouldn't complain. There was a period of years where I coudldn't sleep at all. There was a time I was in so much pain from just simply being alive and breathing. There was a decade when I coudln't work at all.

I can work, I can sleep, and I can feel times of no pain when I can rest.

I just have to struggle through this as I struggled through that.


I think I need to strongly come back to Spark for support and to not be isolated and alone though, like I did in those earlier tough times.

I need to find the richness and strength where I can, and there's a lot of that on Spark.



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(¸.·Trillian*´¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·*
***********************

"One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well." - Virginia Woolf

"Don't give up, just keep giving." character Sam on Touched by an Angel, episode Indigo Angel

"Keep Moving Forward" Disney/Pixar's Meet The Robinsons

"There is no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate" - Buffy, the Vampire Slayer


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4/17/12 4:03 P

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I haven't been able to afford a doctor in a very very long time. Yes, there are treatments that can help me, but I've not been able to afford them. At one point I could afford a few sessions, but the treatment I need is something that needs to take place over many months, not just a few days.

There is medicare or something like that, which I can get if I get disability, but I can't get disability ... a lot I think due to the fact that I'm not seeing a doctor ... which I'm not seeing because I can't afford a doctor.

I have seen a therapist for a while, but when I started work I could no longer see her because the hours conflict. I was going to try to see if I can come in late one day a week, but I just found out yesterday my therapist is being transfered over to working with children. I've been working with her for many months and am apprehensive about starting all over from scratch with someone else.

I am taking medication for depression, PTSD and to help me sleep. Believe it or not, as tired as I am I can't sleep without help. I tried to stop taking the medication for a while but it only unbalanced me further.

Part of the issues I have with eating is I have to actually get food. Then I have to prepare the food. I have very little counterspace and it's challenging to start with. When I get home from work I'm so whacked I can hardly stand and can't manage keeping my food on the counter, and operating a sharp knife safely.

The other challenge with eating is actually having to be upright. Physiologically you can truly eat and swallow by standing on your head, but it's ever so much easier to do it while sitting, and I have great difficulty being that upright.

Not only do I *want* to lie down right when I get home, I *have* to lie down - because in order to get 14 hours sleep I really need to go to bed straight away when I get home. It's very frustrating.

I try to spend a few hours on Saturday getting caught up with this and that while I'm alternating resting, but I actually can't seem to get much done - and of course sleeping all day Sunday really reduces how much time I have to do anything.

At work, it's a combination of all the physical labor plus all the noises of the machines - the freezer, the air conditioners, the two blenders, the juicer, the clanging and banging of that one girl who has to THROW everything into the metal sink for some reason, and the noise of the throng of people when it gets busy. It wears me out.

Fortunately the girl who was on a "hate Trillian" phase (also the banger-clanger-dish thrower) has decided not to hate on me so much and she's become a lot easier to deal with. That hate vibe was exhausting.

I'm about at a hand-to-mouth eating thing, like back in the day when I had to drag myself by my fingertips to the kitchen to lie on the floor and grab whatever is on hand from the fridge and ready to go. I just don't have any food ready to go!

I know I could do "easy" things like make smoothies too, but there's that darn washing the blender thing! It's hard to wash and if I don't do it thoroughly enough it becomes astoundingly full of ants in no time.

I also have a tiny fridge, something you could fit under a counter (I live in an ancient RV), so it's very hard to stock up on good eats. Assuming I can get them.

The ridiculous thing is I WORK IN A HEALTH FOOD STORE! So theoretically I could bring all kinds of good things home. They're not much on produce, but have a bunch of other stuff. Except they don't take food stamps! I can't spend all my money on food there or I can't pay my bills.

Sorry I'm whining.

I really do enjoy that I am earning money, it's just so powerfully exhausting for me still and I am struggling. When my ex was here, he would do all kinds of things which helped me ginormously. I've been really struggling trying to figure out how to get all this together without his support.

I think the isolation is getting to me as well. I'm too tired to go to my spiritual studies, church, or other things I was attending for community, support, growth, and strength. I am frustrated at saying I'm too tired, but I'm too tired! I'm worn out. I can't even talk on the phone, it hurts.



*´¨)
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(¸.·Trillian*´¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·*
***********************

"One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well." - Virginia Woolf

"Don't give up, just keep giving." character Sam on Touched by an Angel, episode Indigo Angel

"Keep Moving Forward" Disney/Pixar's Meet The Robinsons

"There is no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate" - Buffy, the Vampire Slayer


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4/17/12 3:55 P

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Sometimes emotional support is just as helpful as financial! I'm glad your mom is such a source of emotional support to you :)

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4/17/12 3:38 P

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My family mom if yo will lol rest of my familydoesnt care. But my mom isnt in a place to help finacially but she will listen to my whinning cryong an complaining. An very much full of some good advice an discoraging me from people who wont understand me qn brings me down. Such as my so called friend here. When she does. Manage to snd a care pacackage if i do have a friend in mY life she likes to include a small gift for them. Mom trys at least once every7 - 8 months to send a care package even if its some of her old magazines an a bote of lotion. These gifts coes sneaked from her home cause if my dad knew he wouldnt let her. But mentially speaking id be lost with out my mom. She wonted. Me to move home to bama but we found it wasnt my emagination medicaid wasnt good there by staying hers i get mt best medical care she sus
pports me from affar mentiually. Plus the cheapest to live there $800plus utiltys i pay. So while i struggel daily an have learned tricks to do for m self at least i have mential support

Edited by: NATURESDELIGHT at: 4/17/2012 (15:54)
Michele, co- team-Leader of Vegan Fitness an Nutrition. : +)
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4/17/12 3:36 P

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TRILLIANTOO, your messages break my heart. I am so sorry that you are having such a difficult time right now and feel so unsupported by your community, church, etc. Have you seen a doctor or a mental health profession? Your pain might be able to be treated and your mental state might be able to be improved by talking to a professionl. I have no idea what the specifics are of your health situation, of course, but that is just a suggestion! As for easy meals that do not require heating, can you do lots of fresh salads with nuts and beans? Very easy and minimal prep work. What else are you struggling with? I hope I can help you in any way possible. Your words really moved me today.

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4/17/12 3:36 P

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I feel like I want to be "naughty" and drink sodas all night and get my paperwork caught up, and listen to music, and then call in sick tomorrow and sleep all day and then resume my regular life on Thursday.

Would that be so terrible?

*´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·Trillian*´¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·*
***********************

"One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well." - Virginia Woolf

"Don't give up, just keep giving." character Sam on Touched by an Angel, episode Indigo Angel

"Keep Moving Forward" Disney/Pixar's Meet The Robinsons

"There is no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate" - Buffy, the Vampire Slayer


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4/17/12 3:23 P

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I don't know what you mean by sugar coating. As much as possible I try to focus on the good, and I don't feel like I did much sugar coating in my last few posts.

That food delivery is not available in my area, and I have no way to heat up TV dinners. I've no microwave or oven, I have no room for a microwave either, and there are no TV dinners that I've seen at CVS anyway.

I'm trying to figure out tricks to get by but I'm ever so very tired and I can't think. I sleep about 12-14 hours a day, and sleep one full day of every week. Beyond that my morning is spent getting ready for work, my work is filled with noise, and when I get home it's all I can do to take a shower and go to bed. Right now I'm grateful I have today off so I can at least do something and feel somewhat human.

I FEEL somewhat human today as it's an extra free day for me. I need more free days. Sitting around doing nothing is ever so good for me. But I have bills to pay and things to do and my mind can't focus on it and my spirit needs fun, play. All I do is sleep and work. I'm starting to become depressed and homesick.

My family is no help. My dad sent money when I was about to be evicted and that helped me through until I got a job. I need to repay him. But outside of that they're more interested in what I can do to make sure the people around me are pleased and happy instead of helping me figure out what to do so *I* am pleased and happy and fed. And they are too far away to drive me anywhere.

I'm not sure I want my ex back in the house either. I really don't know what to do. I really hoped my minister could help - aren't church communities supposed to help each other, and the housebound? The ill and injured? I'm told to go away until I feel better.



*´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·Trillian*´¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·*
***********************

"One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well." - Virginia Woolf

"Don't give up, just keep giving." character Sam on Touched by an Angel, episode Indigo Angel

"Keep Moving Forward" Disney/Pixar's Meet The Robinsons

"There is no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate" - Buffy, the Vampire Slayer


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NATURESDELIGHT's Photo NATURESDELIGHT Posts: 256
4/17/12 2:37 P

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I get it trillian. You suger coat you post. Sad to say i dontt have that nice skill. For me i jus ay it as is. I reconize that is a skill to be ale to take the bad an make it sounds good. But forgive my bluntnes here you will b making a huge mistake letting the ex ack in. I am alone i have no hlp an its a struggel. But with time you will learn tricks to get by. Ok i know you prefe vrg eating. But need be get tv dinners.. you can do like. ww.schwans.com order your food it will be delivered. I have used them. Great food. Veggys fruits, breada so much. I struggel dont get me wrong but when you hurt you dont see so clear. Been there. So on your better days plain threw things. As you say stages. You never tpld is what town yoy live in. But dont you have family? I know my ffamily is on the other side of the country lhave mential support from my kom bu physcal support none. Btw dont give up on dissabilty it took me near about . Years ab no job to do it. I wctuially spent time homless during that period. You need to get in your head you can do it. First off go to schwans websight to set up to get a order an btw they take foodstamps cash or credit so you have ways to pay. Ok i gotta go. I got nothen don.esterday today is a lil betterhealth day so i need to cook so i an eat an clean dishes. Plus im already tired lol fibromyalgia a pain lol.

Michele, co- team-Leader of Vegan Fitness an Nutrition. : +)
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4/17/12 1:51 P

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Wow, I feel so much better after getting that out of my system.

I'm supposed to be lying down and resting, but that conversation pushed me over the edge and I've been sitting up and my back hurts but now I feel better and can go lie down.

*´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·Trillian*´¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·*
***********************

"One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well." - Virginia Woolf

"Don't give up, just keep giving." character Sam on Touched by an Angel, episode Indigo Angel

"Keep Moving Forward" Disney/Pixar's Meet The Robinsons

"There is no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate" - Buffy, the Vampire Slayer


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4/17/12 1:36 P

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I get that too - about is there ever a day somethin isn't wrong with me. Well, yeah. If I don't have to work, and I can rest, and I can be at home in flow with my body, then I can actually get through the day fairly all right, which is rather a miracle.

But if I have to go anywhere or run errands, or cook, or wash dishes, then yes, I do get into pain. Or if I'm startled.

And working just about grinds me down into dust. I still cant understand why I can't get disability or what to do or say to get them to change their minds.

I am starting to fear I will lose my job simply because I have become so worn down that I am unable to function and will need to be hospitalized again - and being hospitalized somehow doesn't seem to help them get that I cannot function normally.

I also fear I may have to move, because if I keep getting pulverized into dust by each job, then being fired and having to rest and look for work all over again, in this small town I will quickly run out of new places to work before I will be completely unemployable.

It is very frustrating that I cannot get disability!



*´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·Trillian*´¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·*
***********************

"One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well." - Virginia Woolf

"Don't give up, just keep giving." character Sam on Touched by an Angel, episode Indigo Angel

"Keep Moving Forward" Disney/Pixar's Meet The Robinsons

"There is no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate" - Buffy, the Vampire Slayer


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4/17/12 1:24 P

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Oh, believe me, I have VERY LITTLE SUPPORT.

Yeah, my bosses sent me home, and I do believe it's because they want me to get better ... but also I work with food. Not really good for a sick person to be making food for other people.

My minister called me today. The last time I saw him I went running out of the room sobbing, cried for 4 hours. Haven't been back to any church related activity since. He only called today because of something I said in confidence to someone yesterday. But he's basically written me off as a problem rather than helping to see if there's someone in the congregation who can actually help me.

After that phone call I have been in much distress, crying quite a lot, and wanting to numb my feelings. I'm drinking mass quantities of Mountain Dew and trying to stay helpful on Spark. I'm feeling ill from the sugar, but I don't know what else to do. A glass of wine comes to mind but that is completely out of the question.

I'm saying "I'm hungry, I can't get to the grocery store, I need help" and his response is basically "oh well". That's some really awesome support.

I am very sorely considering letting my ex-boyfriend back into my life for the main purpose of being able to get groceries, water, laundry and meals, pick up my mail and the post office, drop my bills in the mail, deposit my paychecks for me. He is out of jail in 3 weeks, I have until then to decide.

Yes, I have work, but I do not have support!!


I wanted to add - I have not bought groceries or eaten food in my house in over a month. It brings me to tears that I can't have help with something so basic. And that I may be bringing in an alcoholic felon into my house just so I can eat.



Edited by: TRILLIANTOO at: 4/17/2012 (13:26)
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(¸.·Trillian*´¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·*
***********************

"One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well." - Virginia Woolf

"Don't give up, just keep giving." character Sam on Touched by an Angel, episode Indigo Angel

"Keep Moving Forward" Disney/Pixar's Meet The Robinsons

"There is no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate" - Buffy, the Vampire Slayer


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4/17/12 12:59 P

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Trillian, its awesom without fully realizing it you have a very supportive caring netwrk of support. Boss at work church an i bet family. I evy you that. Please dont be upset with me for saying that. I have my mom shes in alabama.au im in vegas. An thats it. I love to go to church. But vegas isnt the bible belt. Churches are few an far between. An iv talked to churches there not willing to help me get there. Friends is a laugh. I have one so called friend. Yesterday. She sent me a text. I didnt respond i had to essentuially check out of life yesterday no noise or lite. I had a bad migrain. I texted my frfriend back this morning i ak sorry aboyt yesterday i hadd t cjeck out of lifeect. I get a text back not to sound ugly but is there ever a day when theres not somthing wrong with you!? I was hurt bad. Actuially hurt for 2 reason. First having not heard from me all day yesterday she did not come to check on me. Then today with that i consider she def shouldnt be considered a true friend. So support i have very little.

Michele, co- team-Leader of Vegan Fitness an Nutrition. : +)
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4/17/12 10:27 A

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I've been sent home from work again because I'm sick.

I have to say I love this about my job! Other jobs I worked they don't care if you're sick or not, they run you into the ground. This job they say "go home! Rest! Feel better!"

I actutally was pushing myself to work because I need the hours, the dollars. But when the boss says "go home and rest", I'm not going to argue with that!

Yesterday I was sent home after the rush, today I was there barely an hour. Though the hours/$ are far less, I must admit I am grateful to be home! I surely surely do want to rest.



*´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·Trillian*´¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·*
***********************

"One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well." - Virginia Woolf

"Don't give up, just keep giving." character Sam on Touched by an Angel, episode Indigo Angel

"Keep Moving Forward" Disney/Pixar's Meet The Robinsons

"There is no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate" - Buffy, the Vampire Slayer


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4/16/12 10:22 A

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Yes, it's okay to get someone to clean your home once in a while. I've never done it, but almost did at one time when my health was better and I was working a 60 hour a week job! For me, this left me with no time to do anything much at the apartment I had at the time. It got REALLY MESSY!!! I should have hired someone.

If you can't afford someone, maybe go somewhere like social services, or call, and see if something like this is offered. Also check into homecare agencys (not sure if they do that or not, but maybe).

I've had several different kinds of jobs in the past, and for a couple of years there I was a cleaner myself! We didn't clean homes, but cleaned offices and banks (some parts of them were like homes, like the bathroom or break areas). I enjoyed doing it most of the time and I actually got so good at it at one point that if my own home got messy I could set a time clock for two hours and have my entire home cleaned up in that time! I mean the WHOLE house! (That's not the case anymore, though! I have to do like Trill does and do it in stages...a little here, a little there. Sometimes it just doesn't get done till I "have" to do it, too, like when company is coming! Ha!)

T E R R Y

***Life has no remote. Get up and change it yourself!
***"I can do all things through Christ!" Phillipians 4:13




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4/16/12 12:04 A

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i want it mainly for cleaning the bathroom/toilet etc. I cant bend down for long. I think i will give this some more thought.

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4/15/12 3:37 P

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I agree that if you can afford to hire someone to clean, the do it. A lot of people who clean for a living really do enjoy cleaning so you don't have to feel bad.

Or take it in stages. I used to have a list where I broke down my house into individual steps, like clean the kitchen counter, clean the bathroom floor, etc. and then I would try to get to each of those areas once a month. I would check off my list so I didn't end up cleaning the same areas over and over because I forgot. I know once a month isn't as great as I'd prefer, but it got clean.

I also agree about finding ways to deal with messes to contain things or work with things, new strategies. When I had a big fridge, my dirty dishes always went in there so I'd wash dishes maybe once a week. I don't mean like all the big pans, I tended to eat more sandwiches or things I could microwave so I'd minimize food prep in the first place.

I would also get baskets for things, so I had a basket for my remotes, a basket for my lotions, nail stuff, I currently use a napkin holder for my bills and receipts

I also try to minimize clothes I wear as much as possible so I don't have to do as much laundry. Something as simple as taking a shower before bed every night means I don't have to wash the sheets as often.



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¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·Trillian*´¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·*
***********************

"One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well." - Virginia Woolf

"Don't give up, just keep giving." character Sam on Touched by an Angel, episode Indigo Angel

"Keep Moving Forward" Disney/Pixar's Meet The Robinsons

"There is no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate" - Buffy, the Vampire Slayer


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4/15/12 10:26 A

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You know cleaning is one of an on going conversation trillian an i both struggel with an talk about. Im not sure what health problems you strugel with but it seems its creating havic for you. If you can afford a maid. Then maybe swallow your pride an hire a maid as one time deal. Think about it bad econmy your helping some one by givinug them a job. Convince your self its a need so its a gift to you. Even if ou do it once. Pride. Is tough one to deal with. An it seems a struggel with your health At least with me i have mega pride in what i do along with stuborn. Plus i have a seNce of failure an shame because i cant accomplish somtimes the normally daily life things. As i said if you can afford amaid. I would. Id swallow. My pride an let. Maid in once. To give myself a clean house so i could figure a system to try to do things an keep my place cpean. Another thing trillian an i talk abut on here. Its hard for me to speak to youd problem for you. But me persnally have a few spacifi tricks. An yea people give me flak ( not on here) because some of my tricks look like im being lazy but im not. For example standing for me just isnt great my leg buckels an i fall. Plus sever pain in my back an neck is unbeleavable. So my trick a bar stool in my kitchen. Its one with a back so i can lean when need be. I dont yave a dishwasher. The stool is a wonderful tool for me.
OR
If you cat swLlow the stubborn pride. Id make a to do list an get organisex. That lessons stress witch in mycSe helps me health wise. Dont push your self. If it takes a week of slow an steady itz getting done. Now another important thing you got your list sso look threa it an think. Is there any thing special that wll help me do this i can get to help me accmplish this. Example in my case my ktchen stool, an i know it isnt to envirmentally friendly but its me friendly. Use a swiffer to mop my floors. I have a cart i use when i walk to get gocerys or gp to laundry mat. Based on what ever your health issue there is a simpel tricks to make it simple. An dont rush it slow an sthealth
My son had bad health and he learned he couldnt do an keep up with his friends. . Then came a huge problem the word handycap umm not spslled correctly lol. Any way brandon an i set an talk about it. He was in kindergaten. But we felt the word handycap is not correct!!! Break the word down your essentially putting a cap ( a lid on your talent , on what.You as a person can accomplish frm simple to big.) But the other part of that word handycap is posative. Essentiuly what things are handy that you can use an do to be succsleul in living.
Sorry im stepping off soap box lol.
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Edited by: NATURESDELIGHT at: 4/15/2012 (10:40)
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4/15/12 3:49 A

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I have not been well for a long time and i keep telling myself to get a cleaner in but i cant bring myself to do it. It doesnt feel right asking someone else to clean my mess. Any thoughts?

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4/13/12 6:16 P

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Yeah, we probably could help each other.

Where I'm at things are supposed to be good for people like us too. I just need to figure out how to get my paperwork pushed so that I can get some help. I think I'm in a position I might actually be able to hire someone to help me a couple times a month, which would be really cool.

I keep thinking about the water and concrete hauling, and house renovating I did spring 2010 to spring 2011. This feels a lot like that - having to push hard to do what felt insane on my body, but eventually I got used to.

Starting with one gallon in my left hand I worked my way up so I could haul 5 gallons (40 lbs) water in my right hand and 3 gallons (24 lbs) water in my left (maybe could have done more, but I didn't have a bigger bucket) 100 feet several times a week.

Starting with one 8 lb brick at a time I worked my way up to carrying 25-30 lb blocks of concrete 1/4 mile for about an hour every day.

It was ridiculous circumstances and rather ridiculous to be contemplating (and I admit I caved in to the "pain reliever" of a couple beers at the end of the day), but I think my life right now is like that. I'm just getting battered and bashed into a new way of being.

After the last episode I ran a 10k race, ultimately walking 23 miles. Who knows, maybe at the end of this I'll be running ultra-marathons, doing triathalons or something.

Victory through citrus pressing and 25lb bags of carrots.





I just had to add this:

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Edited by: TRILLIANTOO at: 4/13/2012 (18:24)
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"One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well." - Virginia Woolf

"Don't give up, just keep giving." character Sam on Touched by an Angel, episode Indigo Angel

"Keep Moving Forward" Disney/Pixar's Meet The Robinsons

"There is no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate" - Buffy, the Vampire Slayer


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NATURESDELIGHT's Photo NATURESDELIGHT Posts: 256
4/13/12 6:07 P

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Trillian, i wish you were here n vegas. We could talk an help each other. Plus unlike any state iv ever been to in my life. Here they have a real social serves. I dont qualify i get dissability. But you could qualify they give you a state insurance an vouchers to pay your rent even. I of course dont qualfy seance as i said im dissabled.

Michele, co- team-Leader of Vegan Fitness an Nutrition. : +)
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4/13/12 5:02 P

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I don't have anyone to talk to either, and today I'm having a serious case of the lonelys.

Probably because I'm sick and tired and want someone to tuck me in bed and make me soup! LOL!!

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(¸.·Trillian*´¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·*
***********************

"One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well." - Virginia Woolf

"Don't give up, just keep giving." character Sam on Touched by an Angel, episode Indigo Angel

"Keep Moving Forward" Disney/Pixar's Meet The Robinsons

"There is no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate" - Buffy, the Vampire Slayer


 current weight: 114.5 
 
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TRILLIANTOO's Photo TRILLIANTOO SparkPoints: (40,742)
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4/13/12 4:57 P

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I can completely understand what you are saying about money concerns. I have to admit that now that I have money coming in for the first time in over 10 years I've been getting a little "crazy" in my spending. I've been buying "wants" not just "needs". Some of it feels really good, some of it feels like I need to dial it back. It's nice to have money and not struggle with that all the time. Well, I struggle, but it's a different struggle. "Having more month at the end of your money" is a very very hard, stressful, difficult place to be, especially being physically limited so you can't work 2-3 jobs, or pick up recycling or something.

I have also had the frustrating thing of people saying "why don't you see a doctor" or get treatment or go to a pain management specialist ... they like to get paid is the thing, so no insurance, no income, means no treatment. I'm sure I would have been better years ago if I could have afforded to see a doctor, or get on medicare, medicaid, whatever it is. I can't get disability so I can't get medi-whatever so I can't see a doctor .... and that I am not seeing a doctor makes it hard to get disability!


I'm really grateful I've gotten into the raw vegan thing because it's been so hard for me to eat. I have a pile of dishes sitting there 3 weeks I can't get to, eating oatmeal out of the same dirty bowl for about 10 days now. I was thinking about this with the comment about TVP, I really like it too, but it involves cooking and more dirty dishes, and standing, and I just can't do it.

I don't want to push myself too hard (I have a tendency to do that), but it would be really sweet if I get this mess of a house cleaned up this weekend so I don't have so much chaos and dirty dishes and piles of papers to deal with. It's overwhelming.





*´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·Trillian*´¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·*
***********************

"One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well." - Virginia Woolf

"Don't give up, just keep giving." character Sam on Touched by an Angel, episode Indigo Angel

"Keep Moving Forward" Disney/Pixar's Meet The Robinsons

"There is no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate" - Buffy, the Vampire Slayer


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NATURESDELIGHT's Photo NATURESDELIGHT Posts: 256
4/13/12 4:38 P

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Trillian, i understand. I refuse to ask my mom to spend mone she doesnt have an cause a wR between her qn dad to help me. An it isnt easy. The word fixed income is exactly that for me $670 a month an out of that i pay rent, phone, power. I get $ 76foodsamps if power bill comes out correctly most months i have $18 an a lil change for needs tp soap laundry ect. Im not whining its jusr the fact of my life. So if i have needs that are not cheap i sacrafice somtimes for months going with out even lil needs n order to cover bigger need. Its like im so determined to not my mom do for me because i know they dont have i purposely cut off contact with her when i was homless. I did noy wont to feel cause i was her daughter she had to do with out all her meds an other things just to takr care of me. I will accept help but not knowly at tbe exspense of the person whos helping me is hurtig them selves to do it. So. Def get you about one cleaner for severial things.i hate doing it i already have a problem. Here in the dessert my southern belle skin is shrielvng like snake skin ll the dessert air doesnt agree with me lol. Ok this is getting long yep terry rare for me but soomthing about today i seem to have seepage with so much on my mind n no one to really talk to. Oh side note i just hadvthe best taco salad ever. I had leftover black bean cuban sou so i had that as base but i used tvp an made my taco meat with it that on top crumbled baked tortilla chjps on top raw baby spinach tomatoes green onions an picante i am hooked on tvp lolv yummy.

Michele, co- team-Leader of Vegan Fitness an Nutrition. : +)
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4/13/12 3:32 P

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Michelle, I know what you mean about only using one product.

I go to The Dollar Store and get shampoo that I use for hair / shampoo and body wash, and also as shaving cream, and then I use dish soap for dishes and to clean the house. People get on me for that, but it's silly (and expensive) to have to use all these other products.

I want to use the health food store soaps and stuff, but it's just too expensive for me right now.



*´¨)
¸.·´¸.·*´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·Trillian*´¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·*
***********************

"One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well." - Virginia Woolf

"Don't give up, just keep giving." character Sam on Touched by an Angel, episode Indigo Angel

"Keep Moving Forward" Disney/Pixar's Meet The Robinsons

"There is no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate" - Buffy, the Vampire Slayer


 current weight: 114.5 
 
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NATURESDELIGHT's Photo NATURESDELIGHT Posts: 256
4/13/12 11:17 A

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Terry, thinking if you an there may be others i know im one. Just truly starting excersie for the first time in a while. Im joing the spark team 10 minute aday excersie challenge. Im doing today an id already started yeaaa lol. emoticon

Heres the team challenge link ...
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/challeng
e_
detail.asp?challenge=2


Michele, co- team-Leader of Vegan Fitness an Nutrition. : +)
NATURESDELIGHT's Photo NATURESDELIGHT Posts: 256
4/13/12 10:44 A

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Wtg beth, i cant have green tea. But i do drink some other types of tea. An whhen i do drink tea i do it proper. I have to have my tea pot an a cup an saucer. Strange maybe but its not just the tea. The rituale of making it special does alot for me.

I just did my walk around apartment. Now im down for count. I came in an first thing i did was fall lol at least it was inside i made no speticale of my self. :))) an my back is killing me. But i did it i make a walk around my apartmenta not in the name errands but really excersie! Yea haw! !!! emoticon

Michele, co- team-Leader of Vegan Fitness an Nutrition. : +)
BETHS60's Photo BETHS60 Posts: 547
4/13/12 10:09 A

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I was just thinking of making a pot of green tea.

I read an article (on spark, maybe), about green tea. They said it was theraputically insignificant, because over the course of a 6 week study, the average was so small. I did the math, an it looked to me like it worked out to 9 pounds a year. I'll take it! (I'm not sure how much I have to drink every day to get to the 9 pounds, but it's easy and cheap, and if it doesn't work, the least that happens is that I am now loaded with antioxidants.)

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4/13/12 9:17 A

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Wow, I think that's the longest post I'd ever seen from you, Michele---I loved it! I get in those chatting moods, too...or like you said, I also sometimes post a long post to "talk things through" with myself and figure things out. (For folks like us who live alone, this kind of thing helps us make up our minds about things.) So this topic already is helping us!

Why did you miss so much sleep, girl? Were you out dancing in Vegas? Hehe! I'm just pickin' on ya. I am sorry to hear you couldn't sleep.

I think your walking goals are fantastic, Michele! In fact, if you'll check your personal email, I wanted to tell you more about that. Last year I went crazy on exercise cloths and bought four changes of that new polyester kind of silky exercise wear that is supposed to "wick away moisture". The good side: it feels SO GOOD against ones skin---like silk. The bad news: it really has to be washed by hand to stay new looking (machine washing ruins it), and I don't like that. It's inconvienient to have to hand wash things that you use everyday.

Last summer Wal Mart had the silky exercise wear t-shirts for like 10 dollars and the regular cloth exercise t-shirts for like 4 dollars. I should have gone with the cheap stuff! At least with it I could just throw it in the wash with everything else---sometimes cheaper is better. But other folks swear by the poly stuff and won't use anything else. Do you know what type you prefer? I'll be switching back to the cloth stuff, I'm sure.

You are right that "easy does it" is best. I've always been bad about when I get into working out again (usually springtime) I go crazy and end up in such pain. I do too much to start with. But a few years ago I finally realized my problem and changed my ways.

The way they do on "Biggest Loser" is so WRONG. They take people on the first show who are overweight and couch potatoes and then push them to see how far they go before they drop. That's so unprofessional and dangerous!!! (I recently read that more and more health experts are having problems with that show. The show is teaching us some bad ideas and ways of losing weight.)

Last Spring, Summer and Fall I was lifting weights twice a week and walking about five times a week--yeah, a real exercise fanatic! I totally quit doing any of that over the winter. So do I start where I left off? Nope, that was always my big mistake. I should start like I'm starting all over for the very first time. I start lifting LIGHT weights and walking JUST A FEW minutes per day. Then increase with each week---just like you are doing. This way we can really avoid all that pain and injury to our bodys.

Michele, doesn't the Vegas dry humidity and mostly high temps help your arthritis? I would have thought it would have. Or maybe I'm thinking of allergys (they say the desert is great for preventing allergys.) Of course with me humidity and warmth seems to help my body most (like the kind we get here around June and July). It seems to help it relax...so I guess Vegas would not agree with me, either.

One thing I learned from my own body is that if I allow pain to stop me from exercising, the pain will get worse over time. (I've had lots of issues with upper back pain in the past and now have sciatic nerve pain.) The muscles will tense up and get even tighter and the pain will get worse and worse. So exercising helps a lot. Yeah, at first we will be REALLY SORE, but that soreness will pass over time. The time will come when we won't feel sore after working out. (Usually, for me, about six weeks and the pain and soreness begins to go away and I feel so much better.)

Michele, if you walk, be sure to stretch after you walk. Pain makes ones muscles get tight, stretching lengthens them so they will be nice and long and soft and they won't hurt as much (after that first six weeks for so, that is.) And it's best to stretch "after" you walk, when your body is warmed up.

Okay, that's my "exercise coach" pep talk of the day! LOL!!! I know, I know....just tell me to shut up, cause I'm not an exercise coach! LOL!!! (My cousin, who I try to encourage to exercise, reminds me of this all the time! Ha!)

By the way, I just happened to be drinking tea this morning when I read your tea time post! I never drink tea for breakfast anymore...but today I was! Wild, huh? LOL!!!





T E R R Y

***Life has no remote. Get up and change it yourself!
***"I can do all things through Christ!" Phillipians 4:13




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4/13/12 8:41 A

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Terry, im a co-team leader but i honestly have no clue how many sticky topic. I know i have a thing on top of page giving me . Sticky topics. Not sure if its 3 sticky topics per leader or 3 all togather. emoticon ( deep breath lol) but i did make this sticky. I think if we get but 3 then we as a team is doing great lol. emoticon

Michele, co- team-Leader of Vegan Fitness an Nutrition. : +)
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4/13/12 8:18 A

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Great idea! I sometimes just want to chat about nothing, or about something totally unrelated to veganism...and sometimes don't because it's not the weekend yet...so I really love this idea!

Can it be made into a "sticky topic", so it's always there for easy reference? Or do we already have too many sticky topics (I think Spark only gives us 3 of them.)

T E R R Y

***Life has no remote. Get up and change it yourself!
***"I can do all things through Christ!" Phillipians 4:13




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NATURESDELIGHT's Photo NATURESDELIGHT Posts: 256
4/13/12 8:14 A

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I thought tea time for most of us like coffee time. When we can we would prefer to take ou time And, savor the flavor of our hot drink of choice an just chat with friends.

I heard breakfast an excersise ugh lol Its 4:30am here in vegas. Iv been up seance about 2am. But i did make a big promise to my self. Starting today. I know ill have a rough time after cause it aggravates my pain. But im gonna try to do one lap around my apartments walking for a week. Not pushing me beyond that. Then the next week 2xs around an so on.

This is the year of weather weathe weather. Here in vegas. Weather is killing my arthritis. Monday high 84. Low 50 , tuesday high 62 low 41 , this low 60's an 40's continoue with strong winds. I have not got alot of clothes as i never know what to wear consideringly if i start walking for excersise. I think of artical here on spark about having work out clothes. An beleave you me that one i understand my every day clothes are not comfy for alot of walking. Thia i know for fact considering i have no car an walk avgood bit if i have things to do lke yesterday. My clothes arnt cmfy. Im gonna try to not let this keep from my plain of daily walking but i now have 2 more sets of things to my dream list lol. That would shoes i love my shoes dont keep me wrong but just my normal life with no car my shoes gets miles on them monthly. Lol i toldd some one a car has tires my shoes are my tires. I also have on dream wish list workout clothes. Thay i cant decide now trying to save money should i get shoes thats a need, workout clothes or food processor thats a big need helps me make my hummus an chops veggys. I now i now have my stool in kitchen for doing dishes an cooking. But with zrthritis an fibro an some other problems with my hands a food processor is a need. Pretty much like my stool. Its not im lazy. Its i have to have shortcuts cause of my health. K iv ratteled on to much i reckn i justvneeded some one to talkvthrew things. An iv come to conclusion i am gonna try to take my shampoo money for next year an if im lucky get at the end of that ywar illbhave food processor if nothen gets in way. V used bath soap in my hair befor. I am thinking take mt glass cleaner money to an just buy a multi cleaner to clean with for a monthn yikes sorry to long im stopping lol.

Michele, co- team-Leader of Vegan Fitness an Nutrition. : +)
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4/13/12 7:10 A

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green tea anyone?

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4/13/12 7:05 A

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I like this idea :) very lovely! I've had a healthy breakfast and now I'm ready to bust out a great workout!

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4/13/12 6:27 A

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We had the daily chat every one liked it. So i thought to bring it back. Just was thinking to go with Boni's theam. So we will have weekend coffee break. An week day tea time. This is just a place to keep in touch. Or you dont feel like talking just leave a emoticon. emoticon

Michele, co- team-Leader of Vegan Fitness an Nutrition. : +)
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