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GREYHOUNDER's Photo GREYHOUNDER Posts: 3,596
11/16/09 7:37 P

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A soldier was asked to report to headquarters for assignment. The sergeant said: "We have a critical shortage of typists. I'll give you a little test. Type this," he ordered, giving him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper, and pointing to a desk across the room that held a typewriter and an adding machine.

The man, quite reluctant to become a clerk typist, made a point of typing very slowly, and saw to it that his work contained as many errors as possible.
The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance.
"That's fine," he said; "Report for work at 8 tomorrow."
"But aren't you going to check the test?" the prospective clerk asked.
The sergeant grinned. "You passed the test," he replied, "when you sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine."


Imagine * Become



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BKP4166's Photo BKP4166 Posts: 16,278
10/18/09 9:06 P

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THOUGHTS

· Birds of a feather flock together…and then they mess on your car.

· A penny saved is a government oversight.

· The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

· The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

· The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

· He who hesitates is probably right.

· Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.'

· If you think there is good in everybody, you obviously haven't met everybody.

· If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

· The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

· There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt..

· Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs...'

· Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

· The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

· Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

· When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.

· You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

· One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

· Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

· Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth…



AMEN







Kathy from Oregon

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60+LQQKing to Lose 50+




It's foolish to ask God to direct your steps, if you aren't willing to move your feet.


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GREYHOUNDER's Photo GREYHOUNDER Posts: 3,596
10/18/09 2:20 P

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It's time to laugh.

Anyone got a good joke? emoticon

Imagine * Become



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BKP4166's Photo BKP4166 Posts: 16,278
4/7/09 3:21 P

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THE KOHL'S SHOPPING TRIP


(This is just too funny! This could only be true; you simply can't make this stuff up! Oh, for you who don't know this: Kohl's is a really nice department store.)

Clutching their Kohl's shopping bags, Ellen and Kay woefully gazed down at a dead cat in the mall parking lot. Obviously a recent hit...no flies, no smell. What business could that poor kitty have had here?' murmured Ellen.'Come on, Ellen, let's just go..'

But Ellen had already grabbed her shopping bag and was explaining,'I'll just put my things in your bag, and then I'll use this tissue.' She dumped her purchases into Kay's bag and then used the tissue paper to cradle and lower the former feline into her own Kohl's bag and cover it.

They continued the short trek to the car in silence, stashing their goods in the trunk. But it occurred to both of them that if they left Ellen's burial bag in the trunk, warmed by the Texas sunshine while they ate, Kay's Lumina would soon lose that new-car smell.

They decided to leave the bag on top of the trunk, and they headed over to K & W Cafeteria. After they went through the serving line and they sat down at a window table. They had a view of Kay's Chevy with the Kohl's bag still on the trunk. BUT not for long!
As they ate, they noticed a woman in a red gingham shirt stroll by their car. She looked quickly this way and that, and then took the Kohl's bag without breaking stride. She quickly walked out of their line of vision.

Kay and Ellen shot each other a wide-eyed look of amazement. It all happened so fast that neither of them could think how to respond. 'Can you imagine?' finally sputtered Ellen. 'The nerve of that woman!'
Kay sympathized with Ellen, but inwardly a laugh was building as she thought about the grand surprise awaiting the female thief. Just when she thought she'd have to giggle into her napkin, she noticed Ellen's eyes freeze in the direction of the serving line.

Following her gaze, Kay recognized the woman in the red gingham shirt with The Kohl's bag hanging from her arm. She was brazenly pushing her tray toward the cashier. Helplessly they watched the scene unfold:

After leaving the register, the woman settled at a table across from theirs, put the bag on an empty chair and began to eat. After a few bites of baked whitefish and green beans, she casually lifted the bag into her lap to survey her treasure. Looking from side to side, but not far enough to notice her rapt audience three tables over, she pulled out the tissue paper and peered into the bag.

Her eyes widened, and she began to make a sort of gasping noise. The noise grew. The bag slid from her lap as she sank to the floor, wheezing and clutching her upper chest. The beverage cart attendant quickly recognized a customer in trouble and sent the busboy to call 911, while she administered the Heimlich maneuver.


A crowd quickly gathered that did not include Ellen and Kay, who remained riveted to their chairs for seven whole minutes until the ambulance arrived.
In a matter of minutes, the woman with the red gingham shirt emerged from the crowd, still gasping, and securely strapped on a gurney. Two well-trained EMS volunteers steered her to the waiting ambulance, while a third scooped up her belongings.

The last they saw of the distressed cat-burglar was as she disappeared behind the ambulance doors................the Kohl's Bag perched on her stomach!!

God does take care of those who do bad things! (AND once in a while...He allows us to witness it!)


Kathy from Oregon

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It's foolish to ask God to direct your steps, if you aren't willing to move your feet.


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BKP4166's Photo BKP4166 Posts: 16,278
3/12/09 1:45 A

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1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. His size resulted from too much pi(e).

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet..'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!


Kathy from Oregon

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60+LQQKing to Lose 50+




It's foolish to ask God to direct your steps, if you aren't willing to move your feet.


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BKP4166's Photo BKP4166 Posts: 16,278
1/15/09 5:19 A

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Where Is the "BC" Located?

A ministers widow, who was old-fashioned, was going camping for a week in California. She was nervous about the bathroom facilities and decided to write a letter to the campground owner. But as she was writing, she couldn't bring herself to write toilet.
After much thought, the widow settled on "bathroom commode",¯ but when she wrote the word, it still sounded too coarse. Instead, she referred to the bathroom commode as "BC" after the first page of the letter: "Does the cabin where I will be staying have its own BC? If not, where is the BC located?"

In the process of filing, the campground owner lost the first page of the letter. Without noticing, he left the remainder of the letter on the desk of his staff manager who found the letter and was baffled by the acronym. When he asked his wife what BC meant, she remembered the widows husband was once a famous Baptist preacher. "Oh, of course!¯ exclaimed the staff member. BC stands for 'Baptist Church!'" He immediately wrote a response to the widows letter:

Dear Madam,

I apologize for the delay in answering your letter, but I have the pleasure of informing you that the BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a fundraiser planned to buy more seats for the basement of the BC.

I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.

If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time, sit with you, and introduce you to all the folks. Remember, this is a friendly community."

Best wishes,
Ethan Smith
Campground Manager

emoticon

Kathy from Oregon

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60+LQQKing to Lose 50+




It's foolish to ask God to direct your steps, if you aren't willing to move your feet.


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GREYHOUNDER's Photo GREYHOUNDER Posts: 3,596
1/1/09 8:40 P

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Don't break the elastic!

In April, Maya Angelou was interviewed by Oprah on her 70+ birthday.. Oprah asked her what she thought of growing older.
And, there on television, she said it was 'exciting.'
Regarding body changes, she said there were many, occurring every day...like her breasts. They seem to be in a race to see which will reach her waist, first!
She is such a simple and honest woman, with so much wisdom in her words!



Maya Angelou said this:
'I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.'



'I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.'



I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.'


'I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as 'making a life.'

'I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.'


'I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back..'




'I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.'




'I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.'

'I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.'

'I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.'




'I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.'



Please send this to the phenomenal women in your life today...
If you do, something good will happen: You will boost another woman's self-esteem..


If you don't...the elastic will break and your underpants will fall down around your ankles!

Believe me, I didn't take any chances on MY elastic breaking....I sent it to very special women I care for...








































Imagine * Become



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BKP4166's Photo BKP4166 Posts: 16,278
12/26/08 4:40 A

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ALL PUNS INTENDED

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field..
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy..

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"
;
13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off..
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) .. a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.


Kathy from Oregon

Co-Leader

60+LQQKing to Lose 50+




It's foolish to ask God to direct your steps, if you aren't willing to move your feet.


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BKP4166's Photo BKP4166 Posts: 16,278
4/22/08 3:39 A

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Why Is Human Kind Doomed:
(those are from actual products)

On a blanket from Taiwan.
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists.
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

On a Taiwanese shampoo.
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink.
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

On a New Zealand insect spray.
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

In a US guide to setting up a new computer.
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles.
OPEN OTHER END.

On a Sears hairdryer.
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

On a bag of Fritos.
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap.
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box)
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late! You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding.
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On a Korean kitchen knife.
WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. ( Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights.
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to use in outer space?)

On a Japanese food processor.
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts.
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. (Really? And that's bad why?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm glad they cleared that up.)

On a child's superman costume.
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

On some frozen dinners
SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box.
FITS ONE HEAD.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

On Boot's "Childrens" cough medicine.
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

On Nytol sleep aid.
WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. (Duh!)



Kathy from Oregon

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60+LQQKing to Lose 50+




It's foolish to ask God to direct your steps, if you aren't willing to move your feet.


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BKP4166's Photo BKP4166 Posts: 16,278
4/10/08 1:12 A

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25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet"

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'" brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me a bout RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!!"


Kathy from Oregon

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60+LQQKing to Lose 50+




It's foolish to ask God to direct your steps, if you aren't willing to move your feet.


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BKP4166's Photo BKP4166 Posts: 16,278
3/17/08 7:43 P

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Got this in an email today:

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.

You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume ' The Stance.'

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold 'The Stance.'

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, 'Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have known there was no toilet paper!' Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail .

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. 'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, 'You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.'

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this.'

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?'

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!

This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately!

A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...

Hard to Find

Supportive

Comfortable

Always Lifts You Up

Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging

And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!


Kathy from Oregon

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60+LQQKing to Lose 50+




It's foolish to ask God to direct your steps, if you aren't willing to move your feet.


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GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 42,567
3/2/08 6:25 P

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Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
A: Regular rocks are too heavy.

Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they're always a little short.

Q: Why do leprechauns have pots o'gold?
A: They like to "go" first class!

Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter!

Q: What's Irish and stays out all night?
A: Patty O'furniture!

Q: How did the Irish Jig get started?
A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!

Q: What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control his wife?
A: A bachelor.

Q: What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick's Day?
A:St. O'Claus!

Q: Are people jealous of the Irish?
A:Sure, they're green with envy!

Q: What would you get if you crossed Quasimodo with an Irish football player?
A:The Halfback of Notre Dame!

Q: Why did the leprechaun stand on the potato?
A:To keep from falling in the stew!

Q: Do leprechauns make good secretaries?
A:Sure, they're great at shorthand!

Q: How did the leprechaun beat the Irishman to the pot of gold?
A:He took a shortcut!

Q: What do leprechauns love to barbecue?
A:Short ribs!

Q: Why are leprechauns so hard to get along with?
A:Because they're very short-tempered!

"I married an Irishman on St. Patrick's Day."
"Oh, really?"
"No, O'Reilly!"

Sandie from SC
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2/27/08 1:00 A

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Now that I've done my rant...here's some fun:

UNANSWERED QUESTIONS

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $ 2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
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2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly)

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3. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

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4. There are three religious truths:
A. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
B. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
C. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

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5. If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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6. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
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7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

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8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale Bread to begin with?

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9. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

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10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

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11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

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12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

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13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

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14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

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15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me...they're cramming for their final exam.
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16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

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17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

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18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
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19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

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20. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
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21. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

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22. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

23. As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together, it spells 'THEIRS'




Kathy from Oregon

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60+LQQKing to Lose 50+




It's foolish to ask God to direct your steps, if you aren't willing to move your feet.


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GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 42,567
2/3/08 5:49 A

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The kindergarten teacher asked the students in her class to bring something related to their families' religions to class the next day.

She asked for volunteers to show what they had brought to the rest of the class. One boy came forward and said, "I am Muslim, and this is my prayer rug."

Another child came forward and said, "I am Jewish, and this is my Star of David."

Another came forward and said, "I am Catholic, and this is my Rosary."

The last little boy came forward and said, "I am Baptist, and this is my Covered Dish."

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I walk into a restaurant and ask the maitre 'd, "Could you please tell me how you prepare your chicken?", to which he replies, "Yes. We let them know right up front they're not going to make it..."

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It was Palm Sunday, and the family's 6-year old son had to stay home from church because of strep throat. When the rest of the family returned home carrying palm branches, the little boy asked what they were for. His mother explained, "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by.
"Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed. "The one Sunday I don't go to church, and Jesus shows up!"


Sandie from SC
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1/29/08 2:54 A

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Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I 'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think .



Kathy from Oregon

Co-Leader

60+LQQKing to Lose 50+




It's foolish to ask God to direct your steps, if you aren't willing to move your feet.


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GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 42,567
1/20/08 4:16 P

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HUSBAND: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

WIFE: I clean the toilet.

HUSBAND: How does that help?

WIFE: I use your toothbrush.



from Mikey's Funnies


Sandie from SC
GMASANDIE's Photo GMASANDIE Posts: 42,567
1/19/08 12:29 P

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WHAT IS LOVE?

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4-8 year olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined:

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore so my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." Rebecca - age 8.

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy - age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." Karl - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy - age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is okay." Danny - age 7

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss." Emily - age 8

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen." Bobby - age 7

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate." Nikka - age 6

"There are two kinds of love, Our love. God's love. But God makes both kinds of them." Jenny - age 8

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it every day." Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6

"During my piano recital I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." Cindy - age 8

"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." Clare - age 6

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine - age 5

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Brad Pitt." Chris - age 7

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren - age 5

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." Karen - age 7

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age 8

--copied

Sandie from SC
BKP4166's Photo BKP4166 Posts: 16,278
1/11/08 9:54 P

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Hi all...I'm not feeling too chatty, but thought you might enjoy this.

Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really angry. She told him 'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in
the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds, AND IT
BETTER BE THERE!!' The next morning Rick got up early and left for
work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough
there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused,
the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the
box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom
scale.

Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.


Kathy from Oregon

Co-Leader

60+LQQKing to Lose 50+




It's foolish to ask God to direct your steps, if you aren't willing to move your feet.


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BKP4166's Photo BKP4166 Posts: 16,278
1/6/08 6:05 A

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Thought I would post my exercise for today:......ready...here goes......

1. open eyes.......eye lid lifts
2. stretch.......nuff said
3. throw covers back.....adduction of arm
4. feet on floor........knee bends
5. stand up...........weight lifting
6. stumble to potty.......walking (I think)
7. sit down.......more knee bends
8. get up.....more weight lifting
9. turn on computer.... finger stretching
10. let DJ out.....wrist rolls
11. check clothes in dryer.....waist bending
12. fold clothes.....arm bending
13. get dressed......mind boggling
14. nap.....tired from all the exercising....


Kathy from Oregon

Co-Leader

60+LQQKing to Lose 50+




It's foolish to ask God to direct your steps, if you aren't willing to move your feet.


 current weight: 241.0 
 
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BKP4166's Photo BKP4166 Posts: 16,278
1/5/08 6:29 A

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They're Back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
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Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours”


Kathy from Oregon

Co-Leader

60+LQQKing to Lose 50+




It's foolish to ask God to direct your steps, if you aren't willing to move your feet.


 current weight: 241.0 
 
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