Author: Sorting Last Post on Top ↓ Message:
SCHATZY25's Photo SCHATZY25 Posts: 1,057
5/2/11 7:23 A

My SparkPage
Reply
Things seem to be better at times, but we still have issues. Looking at it now after I had time to think about it and see DH's side, I can tell he was just trying to help me with the discipline and trying to take some of the stress off of me. I am grateful for that but since he can't speak much and the kids don't take the time to try to listen to him, it doesn't turn out the way it should. Just adds more stress towards me because everyone gets mad at me for not being on their side....

DH still gets mad on occasion like last week when things didn't go his way. He just wanted to leave and drive to his Mom, who lives 7 hours away without breaks. It would make his trip at least 10 hours. She doesn't even have her house set up for him (not handicapped at all). While he was in that mood he told me to go to Germany with the kids to live there. He didn't want to be around us anymore. For a guy that can't speak much or even well he got his point across very well....

Too bad I can't do it. Not to him, to me or the kids. I promised him in sickness and in health when we got married but he is making it very hard on occasion to stick to my promise.

So here we are. Another day another trial. Hope this one will be much better.

Yes, I do miss the old times of being able to snuggle with my husband, to go to the movies, to dress up on special occasions to be anything else than just a caretaker. I feel lost more often than not and I feel cheated. But I feel worse for DH because his life is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, not even my Mother-in-law..... emoticon emoticon emoticon

Sometimes you just have to smile, pretend everything is okay, hold back the tears and just walk away.

The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not.
Thomas Jefferson

SMILINEYESBLUE's Photo SMILINEYESBLUE Posts: 882
4/24/11 9:31 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Happy Easter to All from the Oregon Coast!!

SHATZY25,
There is romance and then there are hugs and kisses and snuggling and we have to adjust and take our love to the level our partner can handle. It is not easy and hurts a lot at times but try adding these to your life and see if it does not get better. I know my DH is lonely and lost and the stroke has left him without a lot of choices in life.........so he gets angry.
Hugs and kisses make him happy and take away a lot of my stress.

You are not alone........we are here for you and are cheering you on. No news on our house we are trying to buy near our daughter but I hope to hear this week. Hugs, Marianne

 current weight: 177.0 
 
185
181.25
177.5
173.75
170
CTUPTON's Photo CTUPTON SparkPoints: (122,511)
Fitness Minutes: (37,830)
Posts: 11,989
4/24/11 7:57 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
We are here for you. You say you can't continue sparkpeople. Please continue. People here have experienced everything under the sun--good and bad. there is genuine help here. Wonderful that you are getting counseling. What helped me the most was the 12 step programs. I went to 8 years of various 12 step meetings. I realized I was not alone. Many people had the same problems. And the groups gave me the tools to cope with negativity around me. It took me 8 years. I am not saying that to discourage you. I am just saying it takes time to change our way of thinking. You can't wait for people around you to change. You must look at your own way of reacting. Good luck! Chris emoticon emoticon

GOAL: Reduce A1C,BP,tryglicerides,and weight. HOW? By not eating added sugar, using Omega3s, base meals on veggies, water aerobics at least 3X week and using NuStep when I can't get to the pool.

CAREGIVER SUPPORT PLEASE SEE THESE LINKS:
www.caring.com/
www.agingcare.com/

30 lbs. gone. Now to work on the next 10 lbs.


 current weight: 245.0 
 
278
258.25
238.5
218.75
199
SCHATZY25's Photo SCHATZY25 Posts: 1,057
4/18/11 7:31 A

My SparkPage
Reply
Forgot to add that I started to exercise and reading romance novels (they make me a bit sad though for the lack of romance in my life... emoticon ). I also just sit there and let my mind go blank on occasion just to step back from this situation.

Sometimes you just have to smile, pretend everything is okay, hold back the tears and just walk away.

The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not.
Thomas Jefferson

SCHATZY25's Photo SCHATZY25 Posts: 1,057
4/18/11 7:29 A

My SparkPage
Reply
Told him he will have to go to a nursing home if he doesn't stop with his behavior (just threatened him with it, not actually doing it due to the cost. Never thought nursing homes would be so expensive. All his money would go towards that and we, his family, would have noting to live on or even to live in). I will not tolerate it. Told his family about this and they seemed to be understanding that he shouldn't do that to us anymore but then when I told them about putting him into a nursing home if he continues they saw red. Saying they would take him and care for him.... Ha, do they think it will be better when they do that? They don't even care about him right now. The occasional visit (every 3 or 4 months from his sister or his Mom) and the blame game from his brother is driving me insane.

Told them all kinds of things about their brother they had no idea about thinking they would agree with me but found out that it is still my fault for him being this way. Because I am the one that keeps them away from him. Maybe I am, maybe not but they tell him all kinds of things that he can do knowing full well he is disabled but ignoring that fact.

Just frustrated with this whole situation and wishing things would be much better or even never happened. That is my biggest wish for all our sakes.

Talked to his doctor about getting him back on anti depressant but after evaluating him he said he wasn't depressed enough to warrant meds but he has an adjustment disorder that will have to be dealt with by counseling. So I signed him, me and our oldest daughter up for family therapy. Hopefully it will help since we are the ones mostly affected by this situation.

Edited by: SCHATZY25 at: 4/18/2011 (07:37)
Sometimes you just have to smile, pretend everything is okay, hold back the tears and just walk away.

The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not.
Thomas Jefferson

COLT2008's Photo COLT2008 SparkPoints: (45,176)
Fitness Minutes: (74,563)
Posts: 2,378
4/7/11 8:06 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
It is hard when they don't seem to realize what pain they are causing. When my DH gets riled I tell him to go take a nap or I take our boys out and leave him behind. Last fall our Dr added wellbutrin to his morning on top of the zoloft he was already taking at night. This has helped so far. (As long as nothing is said to upset him like my step-DD calling and chewing him out for no reason)

Find a way to care for yourself and also a way to let him know that he has gone to far and needs to calm down.

*Deb
Wisconsin, Central Time Zone

Psalms 31:24 "Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD."

Ecclesiastes 4:12 "Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."



www.dailystrength.org/people/233882/
journal


 Pounds lost: 8.0 
 
0
7.5
15
22.5
30
SMILINEYESBLUE's Photo SMILINEYESBLUE Posts: 882
4/6/11 10:29 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
I learned to go to the beach and throw rocks and cry a lot for a long time and then I went on Wellbutrin XL and it helped me relax and lose weight and not get so stressed.

Then when life got really bad last August, I went house shopping for myself and was ready to move out and go live by our daughter. My DH learned about it and wanted to come but I told him he had to go on special meds for his rages and anger or he could not come. He is on those meds and they help a lot. I am almost 69 and do not plan to live my retirement years on pins and needles every day, scared and tired and angry. So far, so good.

I am sure his Dr. can find a way to get his depression/rages/anger under control if you insist it get done so he can live at home with the family. Mine was on Prozac and did super well for a long time and then threw them away. Now he is on Zoloft and not doing as well. I have not moved yet, but will be moving as soon as I find a house I can handle. He can take his meds or stay here in this house, 3 hours away from the rest of the family. 10 years of living with a stranger who is angry is enough. He has to make choices now.

 current weight: 177.0 
 
185
181.25
177.5
173.75
170
SCHATZY25's Photo SCHATZY25 Posts: 1,057
4/6/11 7:23 A

My SparkPage
Reply
He was on depression meds but we had to take him off since they were interfering with his other meds and we weren't able to get those other meds (more important) to a safe and steady level.

I took something too but stopped since it made me feel lousy and the others after that made me gain weight or tired or sick to my stomach etc.

It's just nerve racking when DH changes from being a nice guy and Dad to the other person I actually hate. The doctor told me it's his stroke that made him the way he is but I think it's much more like he can't do the things he did before and relies on another person for everything. he was very self efficient before, always on the go. He hates it so much and then he gets frustrated, getting upset with us.

It's a vicious cycle....

Sometimes you just have to smile, pretend everything is okay, hold back the tears and just walk away.

The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not.
Thomas Jefferson

CTUPTON's Photo CTUPTON SparkPoints: (122,511)
Fitness Minutes: (37,830)
Posts: 11,989
4/3/11 10:01 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Meds have helped my husband be in a better mood. Obviously if he felt better, you would , too. Chris

GOAL: Reduce A1C,BP,tryglicerides,and weight. HOW? By not eating added sugar, using Omega3s, base meals on veggies, water aerobics at least 3X week and using NuStep when I can't get to the pool.

CAREGIVER SUPPORT PLEASE SEE THESE LINKS:
www.caring.com/
www.agingcare.com/

30 lbs. gone. Now to work on the next 10 lbs.


 current weight: 245.0 
 
278
258.25
238.5
218.75
199
SMILINEYESBLUE's Photo SMILINEYESBLUE Posts: 882
4/2/11 12:28 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
My DH is brain damaged from his stroke and he does not think about anyone but himself. He has pity parties and feels ignored and is bored a lot. He lost all of his skills to read and write and so tv is his entertainment. He does not know how to be a friend or how to make a friend. This is a man who used to be surrounded by buddies and always busy riding horses, hunting and fishing, golfing, working and ranching. Now he vegetates. He is not emotional or loving or kind.........I do not think he can be. He is critical and hateful.

Please keep taking care of the children and yourself and if you need to move him to a special home, ask Social Security and Medicare to help you get it done. Do not let him destroy the kids or your self-esteem and lives. The kids need peace and joy and love and so do you. This is not the man you married and it has taken me almost ten years to realize that about my hubby. He is not Dad either......he is in his own world. Take good care of yourself and the kids and find a way to survive this. Praying for all of you, Marianne

 current weight: 177.0 
 
185
181.25
177.5
173.75
170
SCHATZY25's Photo SCHATZY25 Posts: 1,057
4/1/11 11:47 P

My SparkPage
Reply
I guess I spoke too soon and jinxed myself!

Picked up our oldest from the High School tonight where she was part of the stage crew for a play. She was in a really good mood and even laughed and joked with me on the way home and said sorry for making me go to town a few times for her. I told her it was okay and she "mommy, I love you". Made my heart sing. But then we got home and she said "hi" to her Dad and asked him how he was doing and he just ignored her. She tried again and again before she gave up. I even tried to get him to at least acknowledge her but no go. She was so upset after that she just left and I couldn't even get her to give me a good night hug. I was so upset after that too and now I am just plain hurt. Hurt for my kids and for everything we are going thru with DH.

Why is it that DH doesn't even care how he hurts the kids and me with the things he does to us? Why is it that when things go finally right something comes up out of nowhere and everything positive is gone? Why is it that I am getting to the point where I am saying I can't and don't want to do this anymore? I know DH has a brain injury and half of his brain is dead but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with it.

I wish I could run away. the only time I get to do that is when I drop off my DH at therapy. Then I either get retail therapy myself or just sit in the car and read a romance novel.

What is even worse is that I just feel like his sister or a caregiver to him not his wife anymore.....

Sometimes you just have to smile, pretend everything is okay, hold back the tears and just walk away.

The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not.
Thomas Jefferson

SMILINEYESBLUE's Photo SMILINEYESBLUE Posts: 882
4/1/11 9:27 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
You have been missed! I am so glad that you have asked for help and are going to counseling along with the eldest child. I am sorry DH does not want to go but men are like that no matter who is at fault or what is going on. To those sensitive guys, I apologize.

I am glad you had a good talk with him and I pray he listened and will try hard to do better. Maybe he can write down what he wants to say to the counselor? Tape it? He needs to communicate with all of you in a soft tone and if he is like my DH, he just blows up first and is unreasonable. We have a signal here and when I put my hand up it is my "STOP" sign and it means he had better be quiet. I also say, STOP! Your kids will have to learn to do that also.

We all have bad days and some days I just grab my purse and a book and leave for a few hours and escape before I say something I will regret. Our library has a great reading area and I can go there and crash til I feel relaxed enough to go home.

Have you talked to your doctor and gotten help for your depression? That will help you to stop using food for comfort. I believe you need to call a buddy when you need to talk and not eat. Use the tools on here and do not give up.....this is your life and even when we are gaining weight, we have friends here to cheer us on. Clean out the junk food and stock up on healthy snacks and meals. I let myself gain back forty pounds before I woke up and decided I was not at fault and I had to take care of myself or flounder. Your kids need you and you need to fight hard to be at your best. Exercise helps a lot. Schedule it for yourself.

 current weight: 177.0 
 
185
181.25
177.5
173.75
170
SCHATZY25's Photo SCHATZY25 Posts: 1,057
4/1/11 8:39 P

My SparkPage
Reply
Sorry, been really busy with paperwork for DH, appointments and everything else family concerning.

I am going to counseling and so does our oldest. DH doesn't want to go because he can't say what he wants to say. But I am planing on taking him with me to my session one of these days.

Have had some more issues with DH and our oldest daughter and some days are much better than others. They still have run ins once in a while but things seem to be getting better. Hope it stays that way.

Had a talk with DH about the way he treats our kids and me, how he gets upset very fast if things are not to his expectations. I know and understand it's upsetting (it's for me too) but he can't do the things he does when he is in one of his moods. After the talk he is doing much better.

Thanks again for all your support and I hope I will never have those "bad" days again. They make me feel.... I can't even describe it, but I hate them and I makes me eat even more than I have.

Sparkpeople is great but I am so down all the time that I don't know if I can stay on here. I am gaining weight like crazy instead of losing and that makes me feel even worse.

Sometimes you just have to smile, pretend everything is okay, hold back the tears and just walk away.

The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not.
Thomas Jefferson

SMILINEYESBLUE's Photo SMILINEYESBLUE Posts: 882
3/28/11 11:26 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
SCHATZY,
Where are you? We are all worried about you and want to help you. It has been two weeks and our prayers are with you to find the help you need. Please come back and chat with us. Most of us have been in your shoes and know how we dealt with those problems.

Did you talk to your doctor or make an appt. with a therapist? You need help and from a professional. You can't fix your DH or kids but you can get help for yourself.

We are here for you.........please let us know that you are okay.

 current weight: 177.0 
 
185
181.25
177.5
173.75
170
COLT2008's Photo COLT2008 SparkPoints: (45,176)
Fitness Minutes: (74,563)
Posts: 2,378
3/28/11 9:02 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
When my DH gets into similar moods I call his brother and arrange for either him to come over and talk or for my D to spend a day or 2 at his house. My DH gets anxiety attacks and his brother has been able to calm him down almost every time.

I hope you have found a plan for you and your DH that works. Try to find a way for you to do something you enjoy and can do uninterupted (I spend 2 weekends a year with other family members working on similar crafts while my DH is either with our boys or his family).

*Deb
Wisconsin, Central Time Zone

Psalms 31:24 "Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD."

Ecclesiastes 4:12 "Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."



www.dailystrength.org/people/233882/
journal


 Pounds lost: 8.0 
 
0
7.5
15
22.5
30
SMILINEYESBLUE's Photo SMILINEYESBLUE Posts: 882
3/14/11 11:01 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
Please seek help right away and do not let this depression control your life. Your kids need you and maybe your DH needs to go to a special home for awhile to get his head on straight. My DH had to go on meds for me to live with him and some days are still rough.
I am very worried about you and pray you ask for help until you get it.

 current weight: 177.0 
 
185
181.25
177.5
173.75
170
SCHATZY25's Photo SCHATZY25 Posts: 1,057
3/14/11 8:40 A

My SparkPage
Reply
Yesterday, I was in a very, very dark place after having another issue with DH and the kids. I pretty much gave up on everything.

I am still not better but it's not quite so dark anymore.

Sometimes you just have to smile, pretend everything is okay, hold back the tears and just walk away.

The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not.
Thomas Jefferson

SCHATZY25's Photo SCHATZY25 Posts: 1,057
3/13/11 10:22 P

My SparkPage
Reply
deleted

Edited by: SCHATZY25 at: 3/13/2011 (22:55)
Sometimes you just have to smile, pretend everything is okay, hold back the tears and just walk away.

The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not.
Thomas Jefferson

CTUPTON's Photo CTUPTON SparkPoints: (122,511)
Fitness Minutes: (37,830)
Posts: 11,989
3/8/11 5:28 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
This is the place to "vent" and ask for help! Good for you. We all understand and know it is not a matter of you being a bad person or anything like that. I am suggesting your husband could use some medicine to take the edge off his anger. You know he is frustrated. And you are a "safe" person to yell at to release some of that anger.

You must take care of yourself and it is OK to do that. You need help "today" right? Can you go to have coffee or lunch with a friend? that might make you feel better. You say you feel alone. that is so understandable. No one can walk in your shoes and take this burden from you. It won't help if you become bitter or fed up.

I will just suggest a few things. I don't know your exact situation. (By the way I am feeling angry at my situation today, too.) Some things I have done to help ME. I found a support group for caregivers of stroke survivors. i now have friends there. Those people have gotten me names of doctors, physical therapists, an aide for my husband, etc. You never know till you chat with them awhile. My group has pot luck suppers sometyimes. And in May on a saturday is a "get together" with speakers, lunch, entertainment, and just chatting.

I am not very good at finding "fun" things to do for myself. I need to find more. I was shopping way too often. I don't do that anymore. I do go to water aerobics 3 times a week. Those ladies have become close friends now. I occasionally meet someone from that group for coffee or lunch. Also, I spend time at our library just reading magazines or whatever. I am on sparkpeople A LOT!

If you want to chat, just ask! Chris emoticon

GOAL: Reduce A1C,BP,tryglicerides,and weight. HOW? By not eating added sugar, using Omega3s, base meals on veggies, water aerobics at least 3X week and using NuStep when I can't get to the pool.

CAREGIVER SUPPORT PLEASE SEE THESE LINKS:
www.caring.com/
www.agingcare.com/

30 lbs. gone. Now to work on the next 10 lbs.


 current weight: 245.0 
 
278
258.25
238.5
218.75
199
SMILINEYESBLUE's Photo SMILINEYESBLUE Posts: 882
3/6/11 10:56 P

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
My prayers are with you as I deal with an angry man all the time and I have had to go to AA and other places to get help to understand why he blames me for everything and all I do is work and try to make his world great. The kids do not deserve to be yelled at and neither do you. Talk with his Dr. and ask for help. All of our friends and relatives do not like to visit us either as he drives them nuts.........no one can talk and hold a conversation as he wants to control all of us even when he can't think of the words he needs, etc.

They do not hate you. Trust me, they just can't find anyone else to blame when their world is not perfect. Can you grab your purse and leave for a few hours? Can you find someone to come in and give you a few hours of rest?

We will always be the enemy as we are healthy and we should have a life even when we don't. Fight for a life........don't accept the guilt trips they dump on you.

I am sorry your oldest daughter has problems and I pray she will get help or therapy and learn to live at home in peace and be helpful. I know; you need a miracle. We all do. Just come on here and dump it all out and then journal when you can and we are here to dust you off and help you get back on your feet. With hugs, Marianne

 current weight: 177.0 
 
185
181.25
177.5
173.75
170
SCHATZY25's Photo SCHATZY25 Posts: 1,057
3/6/11 10:34 P

My SparkPage
Reply
He just yelled at me again and pushed me away, not hard but enough to shock me. The reason was because our dog was excited he got up from his nap (10:15 pm) and wanted to be petted.

Since DH's speech is slowly improving he is been after me for the stupidest stuff. He yells at me and yells at me. I am so tired of this lately. I love him very much but I think I reached the end of my rope. It's not just me he yells at but our kids. Granted they are no angels and really push us but it's no reason to yell at them and me. I am the only caregiver to him, the kids don't even want to be around him anymore. I can't count on my in laws for help at all. They come and visit for a few hours and then they are good for another few weeks/months.

Sorry, I am so down today. It's just so hard. I been to counseling for a year now and took meds but it's still not working. I am also still struggling with our oldest daughters problems.

I feel so alone and hated (by my soul mate).



Sometimes you just have to smile, pretend everything is okay, hold back the tears and just walk away.

The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not.
Thomas Jefferson

SMILINEYESBLUE's Photo SMILINEYESBLUE Posts: 882
3/6/11 7:26 A

My SparkPage
Send Private Message
Reply
My DH had a stroke (in 2002) and his personality changes a lot. I was ready to move and leave him behind but decided to go for some mental health therapy and physical therapy to get my head on straight. I keep forgetting he has had a stroke and is not reasonable a lot of the time. He looks so normal til he talks. Fifty years of marriage and the last ten have been with a man who only looks like the man I married.

You have a right to want to run away! Do you have any hobbies that can get you out of the house? Join a Bible Study, craft group, go for a swim, ride a bike, go to CURVES, take a walk, volunteer some place where you are needed and appreciated. Ask for help. You deserve a life! Call Home Health or Sr. Services or RSVP and get relief help.

I had to get an ACTION PLAN for when my hubby rants and raves and my answer has been to call a friend who comes right over or grab my purse and library book and go watch the ocean and read. I escape here when I am out of rope. I am hoping to find a house near our daughter, 3 hours SE of us, and move us there. She will be a big support with her Dad and make me get out and about. I can no longer be the only Caregiver for him.

My prayers are with you as the guilt and fears will grab you and prevent you from taking action. Fight for your life and live it. Hugs, Marianne

 current weight: 177.0 
 
185
181.25
177.5
173.75
170
SCHATZY25's Photo SCHATZY25 Posts: 1,057
3/6/11 2:10 A

My SparkPage
Reply
Why is it that I want to run away lately or just hide when DH is in a "weird" mood? Seems I can't do anything right lately. He gets upset for the tiniest things, things that ... I just don't know.

Is it bad to say or feel I want a way out? Is it bad to say I don't know if I can keep going this way? Is it bad to say I am tired of this?

Sometimes you just have to smile, pretend everything is okay, hold back the tears and just walk away.

The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not.
Thomas Jefferson

Page: 1 of (1)  

Report Innappropriate Post

Other Caregivers Support General Team Discussion Forum Posts

Topics: Last Post:
Reaching Out - 10/7/2013 9:32:19 AM
2012.... let's chat!! :) 2/11/2014 9:50:06 PM
I am the caregiver for my spouse! 3/22/2014 8:42:13 PM
You know you're a caregiver when/ if... 12/9/2013 2:31:41 PM
Loved ones with mental illnesses? 1/14/2014 9:26:40 PM

Thread URL: http://www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/team_messageboard_thread.asp?board=0x4565x40365883

Review our Community Guidelines