I was cruising around in some off-topic area of the Internet, trying to find anything worth sarcastisizing, when I found one of those entertainment blurbs about MTV launching a new "Horror" series on TV.
After I finished laughing hysterically, I took a deep breath and considered that I could make the entire point of such a stupid series in one, 1 hour Prime Time Special.
I would need the cooperation of a number of studios for clips of their "Great Horror" films, which I think I could get based simply on my title:
THINGS I LEARNED AFTER ONLY ONE TIME WHILE WATCHING HORROR MOVIES
1. Don't go into a basement at night when the power is out and there are "animal-like" noises heard when you open the basement door. If you must, as a minimum, go down with a powerful flashlight and a .45 automatic with at least five clips of ammo with brass shells coated in silver. You MUST have a back-up who is packing heavy - a sawed off shotgun shooting 12 gauge shells packed equally with lead and silver pellets is good for multiple encounters. Adding slivers of Teak wood to subsequent rounds should take care of the rest.
2. Don't take a shower at the Bates Motel without a guard force of at least four Navy Seals.
3. Don't go check out that tall flower that is saying "Feed Me".
4. Don't shoot at giant bugs, snakes or other things with anything less than a .50 caliber rifle. A Holland & Holland .700 Nitro Express is better and shoulder fired missiles are better yet. An Abrams Main Battle Tank firing depleted Uranium rounds is your best choice if you have to stay on the ground.
5. Don't leave a well lighted house to run down a dark and windy lane at night when wolves are howling, especially if you are a pretty girl.
6. Don't park an RV alongside the road at night in Area 49, 50 or 51 - ever!
7. If you hear a chainsaw crank up at an unexpected time or place, don't stop and look, just run!
8. If you see an inexplicable large flight of crows, ravens or other black birds, find the nearest bank, call 911, get inside the vault and close the vault door.
9. Go to the "Trunk or Treat" party sponsored by the "Y' on Halloween. Do not wander the street after dark and don't ask a guy wearing a spooky Halloween mask to share his candy.
10. And finally: if you happen to walk by a steel cage that contains a man who is shackled (hands and feet) to a steel chair that is welded to the floor, and the man looks like a snarling Jack Nicholson, don't stop and try to engage him in a pleasant conversation. It ain't happening!
How long did it take you to read this?
Even with clips added, I rest my case.