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JUKEBOX2's Photo JUKEBOX2 Posts: 31,013
9/14/10 11:06 P

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Forrest Gump

The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.

St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here , St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd! be Today and Tomorrow. The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asks St. Peter.

"How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd. . ..."

"Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this,and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind....but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure", Forrest replied, "its Andy."

"Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions,but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song. . "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . "

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."




Ray Brookwell - My Spark Name is Jukebox2

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Why Settle for Good When Better is Available and Best IS Achieveable!

In Order To Change Your Weighs you have to change your ways


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JUKEBOX2's Photo JUKEBOX2 Posts: 31,013
9/2/10 12:34 A

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Fireflies

A mother firefly was taking her children for a walk near dusk, and they came to a dark woods. "All right, kids," she ordered, "line up, and whatever happens, don't shine your light. There are owls in the forest and they might fly down and eat you!"

The small fireflies did as they were told, with the youngest firefly at the end of the line. As they were moving carefully along, suddenly the mother saw a light far back.

"Stop!" she whispered. "Who lit the light back there?"

"I did," admitted the youngster.

"You heard what I told you," scolded the mother. "Why did you disobey?"

"Well," said the little one, "when you gotta glow, you gotta glow."


Ray Brookwell - My Spark Name is Jukebox2

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Why Settle for Good When Better is Available and Best IS Achieveable!

In Order To Change Your Weighs you have to change your ways


 current weight: 228.0 
 
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JUKEBOX2's Photo JUKEBOX2 Posts: 31,013
9/1/10 11:10 P

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Browsing classifieds ads can be a lot of fun. We found these funny ads on the internet and I thought I'd share them with you...

10:
Illiterate? Write today for free help.

9:
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once; you'll never go anywhere else again.

8:
Dog for sale. Eats anything and is fond of children.

7:
3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

6:
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

5:
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

4:
Full Size Royal Tonic. 20 Year warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.

3:
Turkey FOR SALE. Partially eaten. Only 8 days old. Both drumsticks still intact.

2:
Used Tombstone. Perfect for someone named Homer Hendel Bergen Heinzel. One only.

1:
For Sale. Hardly used dentures. Only 2 teeth missing.





Ray Brookwell - My Spark Name is Jukebox2

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Why Settle for Good When Better is Available and Best IS Achieveable!

In Order To Change Your Weighs you have to change your ways


 current weight: 228.0 
 
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JUKEBOX2's Photo JUKEBOX2 Posts: 31,013
8/27/10 8:25 P

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Ray Brookwell - My Spark Name is Jukebox2

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Why Settle for Good When Better is Available and Best IS Achieveable!

In Order To Change Your Weighs you have to change your ways


 current weight: 228.0 
 
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POPEYETHETURTLE's Photo POPEYETHETURTLE SparkPoints: (218,041)
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8/27/10 3:20 P

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Sincere thanks!

I needed those chuckles and grins today.

"A government big enough to give everything you want is also big enough to take everything you have."
-Ronald Reagan

Co-Founder, Dealing with Depression; www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_individual.asp?gid=953

Co-leader, Conservatives/Republicans sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_indiv
idual.asp?gid=4683


Co-leader, Writers www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=50375


 
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JUKEBOX2's Photo JUKEBOX2 Posts: 31,013
8/21/10 11:04 P

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High Mileage - A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar. The brunette suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal." "That doesn't matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car." "Alright," replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car." The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette's advice. About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell your car?" "No!" replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it." - Source Blond - Blonde Jokes, Humor and Satire



Pass me another blanket - A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married." "Why not?" giggles the woman. "Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket." - Source Travel Jokes, Humor and Satire



Romantic At Heart - A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "Im sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, Guess who?" "But why?" asks the man. "Im a divorce lawyer." - Source Legal Humor - Lawyer Jokes - Attorney Jokes



Smile For The Camera - A drug dealer decided to impress his friends by hiring a limousine for a big night on the town. His first stop was at a posh suburban residence to sell some cocaine to a rather influential individual. Hoping to earn a little extra profit by blackmailing his wealthy customer, the crook handed a camcorder to the limo driver and asked him to record the event for posterity. The driver, a an off duty police officer, was happy to comply


Ray Brookwell - My Spark Name is Jukebox2

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Why Settle for Good When Better is Available and Best IS Achieveable!

In Order To Change Your Weighs you have to change your ways


 current weight: 228.0 
 
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JUKEBOX2's Photo JUKEBOX2 Posts: 31,013
8/21/10 10:42 P

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Singing Frog - A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

Ray Brookwell - My Spark Name is Jukebox2

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Why Settle for Good When Better is Available and Best IS Achieveable!

In Order To Change Your Weighs you have to change your ways


 current weight: 228.0 
 
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JUKEBOX2's Photo JUKEBOX2 Posts: 31,013
8/21/10 10:27 P

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The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"



Ray Brookwell - My Spark Name is Jukebox2

Commit To Fit


Why Settle for Good When Better is Available and Best IS Achieveable!

In Order To Change Your Weighs you have to change your ways


 current weight: 228.0 
 
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JUKEBOX2's Photo JUKEBOX2 Posts: 31,013
8/21/10 8:38 P

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Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.

Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"

"Absolutely not," he said.

"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."

"Season's more than half over," he said.


Ray Brookwell - My Spark Name is Jukebox2

Commit To Fit


Why Settle for Good When Better is Available and Best IS Achieveable!

In Order To Change Your Weighs you have to change your ways


 current weight: 228.0 
 
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