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ROSY_TIAMO's Photo ROSY_TIAMO Posts: 2,252
1/6/11 4:01 P

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He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear. "Just relax."

Without warning he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.

When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.

Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking `no' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say ... "Okay, ma'am," said a voice. "All done" My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling, holding out my purse.

"You can board your flight now."







"LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE"

If more people had a sense of humor, the world would be a better place!

We live in the land of the free, only because of the brave.

If you're not willing to stand behind our troops, please feel free to stand in front of them! "God Bless America, My Home Sweet Home".


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ROSY_TIAMO's Photo ROSY_TIAMO Posts: 2,252
1/6/11 3:59 P

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emoticon emoticon emoticon

"LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE"

If more people had a sense of humor, the world would be a better place!

We live in the land of the free, only because of the brave.

If you're not willing to stand behind our troops, please feel free to stand in front of them! "God Bless America, My Home Sweet Home".


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1/6/11 10:55 A

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Some years ago, Stan married an attractive woman, Aggie, half his age, in a small coastal Newfoundland community.
After several months, Aggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Newfoundland women are entitled to a climax once in a while.
To resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in Burin.
The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding, with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.
He told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.
The couple hired a strong young man from St. Lawrence to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.
After many efforts, Aggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for Aggie to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Stan waved the big towel.
They tried it that night and Aggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.
When it was over, Stan looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said:
"And that, me son, is how ya waves a f*ckin' towel!"




- Pam -

Life is a highway...I'm gonna ride it & enjoy it!

ACTION: The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing. - Walt Disney


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ROSY_TIAMO's Photo ROSY_TIAMO Posts: 2,252
1/5/11 6:31 P

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This guy staggers into a bar and shouts, "A double whiskey please barman, and a drink for everyone here… and while you're at it, have one yourself."

"Well thank you sir," says the barman and proceeds to pour everyone their drinks.

Moments later the guy shouts, "Another whiskey for me, and the same again for everyone else."

The bartender looks a little worried now and says, "Excuse me sir, but don't you think you should pay me for that last round first?"

The guy slurs, "I can't. I don't have any money." With this the bartender flies into a rage and literally throws the guy out of the bar.

About twenty minutes later though the guy staggers back in and shouts out, "A double whisky for me, and a drink for all my friends."

"I suppose you'll be offering me a drink too?" the barman asks, marveling at the guy's nerve.

"Not likely," slurs the guy, "you get nasty when you've had a drink!"



"LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE"

If more people had a sense of humor, the world would be a better place!

We live in the land of the free, only because of the brave.

If you're not willing to stand behind our troops, please feel free to stand in front of them! "God Bless America, My Home Sweet Home".


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1/5/11 12:05 P

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Bright little girl! emoticon

- Pam -

Life is a highway...I'm gonna ride it & enjoy it!

ACTION: The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing. - Walt Disney


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DEBBIE_J's Photo DEBBIE_J Posts: 966
1/5/11 12:09 A

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A mother was walking with her four year old daughter one day when the daughter picked up something off the ground and started to put it into her mouth. The mother stopped her and said she shouldn't do that.

"Why," asked the little girl.

"Because its dirty. It's been on the ground. You don't know where it's been. It probably has germs."
The little girl looked up at her mom with admiration and asked, "How do you know so much?"

Thinking quickly, the mother said, "All moms know so much. We have to. It's on the Mommy Test. If you don't know it, you don't get to be a mommy."
The little girl pondered this for a few minutes, then her face brightened.

"I get it!" she said. "If you don't pass the test, you get to be a daddy!"

"Yup," said the mom.


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GRALLEN's Photo GRALLEN Posts: 20,043
1/4/11 9:00 P

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Love that Maxine.

Gail

Quit stuffing your face and face your stuff.
Be yourself, everyone else is taken.
I think therefore I am dangerous.
Don't make excuses, make changes.

See my photos on Flickr.
www.flickr.com/photos/blackheart904/

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12/31/10 10:19 A

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I love Maxine!

"The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals ."

"The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket."

"To err is human; to forgive, highly unlikely."

"Do you realize that in about forty years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos and pierced navels?"(Now that's scary!)

"Money can't buy happiness--but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia."

"After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere....you may be dead."



- Pam -

Life is a highway...I'm gonna ride it & enjoy it!

ACTION: The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing. - Walt Disney


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GARDENCHRIS's Photo GARDENCHRIS SparkPoints: (187,494)
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12/31/10 8:01 A

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emoticon



Nothing changes unless something changes.

I am a treasured child of the most High God
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=4459


co leader of Sarcastic Unlimited!


 
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ROSY_TIAMO's Photo ROSY_TIAMO Posts: 2,252
12/31/10 7:23 A

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Walking through a supermarket, a young man noticed an old lady following him around. He ignored her for a while, but when he got to the checkout line, she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said. "I'm sorry if I've been staring, but you look just like me son who died recently.

"I'm sorry for your loss," the young man replied. "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Well, as I'm leaving, could you just say 'Goodbye, mother!?' It would make me feel so much better." She gave him a sweet smile.

"Of course I can," the young man promised.

As she gathered her bags and left, he called out "Goodbye, mother!" just as she had requested, feeling good about her smile.

Stepping up to the counter, he saw that his total was about $100 higher than it should be. "That amount is wrong," he said. "I only have a few items!"

"Oh, your mother said that you would pay for her," explained the clerk.

"LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE"

If more people had a sense of humor, the world would be a better place!

We live in the land of the free, only because of the brave.

If you're not willing to stand behind our troops, please feel free to stand in front of them! "God Bless America, My Home Sweet Home".


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RENA1965's Photo RENA1965 Posts: 17,878
12/29/10 6:16 A

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I love it when the oldies say funny stuff..

My client is 94, her son is 74.. I am her traveling resthome helper and visit her in her own home daily.. She says one day I am worried about my son, he ain't eating enough and he is no spring chicken anymore..
emoticon

She just got a new pacemaker and is a dragon again.. I can do that myself dear, quit babying me, go fix my breakfast please dear lol.... emoticon

I was wondering in my head how old she really felt..
I am afraid to get mowed down by her and her rollator, she doesn't see that well anymore.. But the head doesn't and heart are 100%..

Mrs S is 104,

She tells me one day, I am worried about my girls.. They are 72 and 76, they are no spring chickens anymore.. I am worried they get tired running efter me doing my washing and shopping and fixing stuff..
I had a chuckle at her statement.. Her kids in practise could have died before her.. She was polite up to the day she died..
People could have mistaken her for being sarcastic.. But how does a person whom is 104 supposed to say that statement if we didn't know she was 104.. We tricked several student resthome helpers sending them to her- We asked them how old they thought she was..
They were shocked returning- that womens house is like a museum from 100 years back.. Why did she steer at me calling her by first name?
Mrs S is from a time when people said mr, miss, ms.. She doesn't recognize her own first name.. Her regular helper calls her Madam! She mellowed out in her old day, but her old helper remembers when she want bananas when she didn't speak to her with old days respect lol..
We asked her if she knew what a hamburger is- the old lady said don't know, it is a biscuit or a hot dish- oh I don't care I want my porridge!
emoticon

Edited by: RENA1965 at: 12/29/2010 (06:34)
"I shall shape my future. Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me. Or I can be lost in the maze. My choice. My responsbility. Win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny."
-google first. ask questions later
.*) .*) .*)
(***Rena ***)
(.~ (.* ~ (.*


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12/28/10 5:51 P

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Wow Rosie... you were on a roll! LOL emoticon



Nothing changes unless something changes.

I am a treasured child of the most High God
www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=4459


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ROSY_TIAMO's Photo ROSY_TIAMO Posts: 2,252
12/24/10 4:59 A

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emoticon
Ha ha ha ha....If I ever come to that, please shoot me!


"LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE"

If more people had a sense of humor, the world would be a better place!

We live in the land of the free, only because of the brave.

If you're not willing to stand behind our troops, please feel free to stand in front of them! "God Bless America, My Home Sweet Home".


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12/23/10 9:40 P

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The family wheeled Grandma out onto the lawn, in her
wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started
leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A grandson who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the grandson.......

'B@stards won't let me fart.'


- Pam -

Life is a highway...I'm gonna ride it & enjoy it!

ACTION: The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing. - Walt Disney


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GRALLEN's Photo GRALLEN Posts: 20,043
12/23/10 2:07 P

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LOL emoticon

Gail

Quit stuffing your face and face your stuff.
Be yourself, everyone else is taken.
I think therefore I am dangerous.
Don't make excuses, make changes.

See my photos on Flickr.
www.flickr.com/photos/blackheart904/

ROSY_TIAMO's Photo ROSY_TIAMO Posts: 2,252
12/23/10 1:29 P

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Two little boys, ages 8 and 5, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

The mother sent the 5 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?! Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE is GOD?!"

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!" "GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"






"LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE"

If more people had a sense of humor, the world would be a better place!

We live in the land of the free, only because of the brave.

If you're not willing to stand behind our troops, please feel free to stand in front of them! "God Bless America, My Home Sweet Home".


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12/20/10 5:18 P

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For those who 'youtube'...your afternoon smile
emoticon
www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZCFCeJTEzNU

- Pam -

Life is a highway...I'm gonna ride it & enjoy it!

ACTION: The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing. - Walt Disney


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GRALLEN's Photo GRALLEN Posts: 20,043
12/18/10 9:32 P

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The Smarter Sex

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and extends it back to the woman.

Politely, the woman refuses to accept the bottle.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."


Gail

Quit stuffing your face and face your stuff.
Be yourself, everyone else is taken.
I think therefore I am dangerous.
Don't make excuses, make changes.

See my photos on Flickr.
www.flickr.com/photos/blackheart904/

ROSY_TIAMO's Photo ROSY_TIAMO Posts: 2,252
12/18/10 5:01 A

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A man goes to a Psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about sex."

The Psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks.

The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."

The Psychologist says, "very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?"

The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."

The Psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?"

The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."

The Psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with sex."

"Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"



"LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE"

If more people had a sense of humor, the world would be a better place!

We live in the land of the free, only because of the brave.

If you're not willing to stand behind our troops, please feel free to stand in front of them! "God Bless America, My Home Sweet Home".


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GRALLEN's Photo GRALLEN Posts: 20,043
12/13/10 8:55 P

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Good one Rosy.

Gail

Quit stuffing your face and face your stuff.
Be yourself, everyone else is taken.
I think therefore I am dangerous.
Don't make excuses, make changes.

See my photos on Flickr.
www.flickr.com/photos/blackheart904/

DEBBIE_J's Photo DEBBIE_J Posts: 966
12/9/10 6:13 P

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Now that's payback for all the things kids put their parents through. emoticon

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ROSY_TIAMO's Photo ROSY_TIAMO Posts: 2,252
12/9/10 12:53 P

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A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,
"I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".

"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her".

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".

She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?"and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."








"LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE"

If more people had a sense of humor, the world would be a better place!

We live in the land of the free, only because of the brave.

If you're not willing to stand behind our troops, please feel free to stand in front of them! "God Bless America, My Home Sweet Home".


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DEBBIE_J's Photo DEBBIE_J Posts: 966
12/7/10 11:46 P

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emoticon Good one, Rosy.

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ROSY_TIAMO's Photo ROSY_TIAMO Posts: 2,252
12/7/10 4:13 P

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A Florida State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing...

He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a magazine ...

He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window ...

The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'??? The trooper asks: 'What are you doing'??? The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine' ...

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And her... what is she doing'???
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails'...

Now, the trooper is totally confused ...A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane ... And nothing obscene is happening !!!

The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man'???
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir' ...The trooper asks: 'And her ... what's her age'??? The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.










"LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE"

If more people had a sense of humor, the world would be a better place!

We live in the land of the free, only because of the brave.

If you're not willing to stand behind our troops, please feel free to stand in front of them! "God Bless America, My Home Sweet Home".


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ROSY_TIAMO's Photo ROSY_TIAMO Posts: 2,252
12/6/10 7:33 A

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emoticon Debbie...
_____________________________

Hey Pam, here's a little cheer of encouragement from your biggest and oldest fan (in more ways than one):

emoticon Gimme a "P"
emoticon Gimme an "A"
emoticon Gimme an "M"

emoticon What've ya got?
"My favorite Jokester!"

RAH emoticon RAH emoticon RAH emoticon
"PAM" emoticon "PAM" emoticon "PAM" emoticon

"LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE"

If more people had a sense of humor, the world would be a better place!

We live in the land of the free, only because of the brave.

If you're not willing to stand behind our troops, please feel free to stand in front of them! "God Bless America, My Home Sweet Home".


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DEBBIE_J's Photo DEBBIE_J Posts: 966
12/6/10 1:21 A

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US Air recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

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GRALLEN's Photo GRALLEN Posts: 20,043
12/5/10 8:17 P

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Oh Pam, I love it!

Gail

Quit stuffing your face and face your stuff.
Be yourself, everyone else is taken.
I think therefore I am dangerous.
Don't make excuses, make changes.

See my photos on Flickr.
www.flickr.com/photos/blackheart904/

PAMBWS's Photo PAMBWS SparkPoints: (142,614)
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12/5/10 7:17 P

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A professor at MEMORIAL UNIVERSITY OF NEWFOUNDLAND was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your a$$hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably moose hunting with his buddies.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.





- Pam -

Life is a highway...I'm gonna ride it & enjoy it!

ACTION: The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing. - Walt Disney


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12/5/10 7:16 P

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Rosy...you're my biggest fan...you shouldn't encourage me.
emoticon

- Pam -

Life is a highway...I'm gonna ride it & enjoy it!

ACTION: The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing. - Walt Disney


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ROSY_TIAMO's Photo ROSY_TIAMO Posts: 2,252
12/4/10 2:32 P

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OMG, Pam, this makes me laugh my big fat ass off....tooo freakin' funny....love ya!

"LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE"

If more people had a sense of humor, the world would be a better place!

We live in the land of the free, only because of the brave.

If you're not willing to stand behind our troops, please feel free to stand in front of them! "God Bless America, My Home Sweet Home".


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12/4/10 8:42 A

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Two Newfies walk into a pet shop in St. John's and walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to George, 'Dat's dem.'

The owner comes over and asks if
he can help them.

'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says George.

The owner puts the budgies in
a cardboard box.

George and Gerry pay for the birds,
leave the shop and get into Gerry's
truck to drive to the top of Signal Hill.

At Signal Hill Gerry looks down at
the 1000 foot drop and says,
'Dis looks like a grand place.'

He takes two birds out of the box,
puts one on each shoulder and jumps
off the cliff.

George watches as the budgies fly
off and Gerry falls all the way to
the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his
best pal, George shakes his head
and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie
jumping is too fook'n dangerous
for me!'

THERE'S MORE...

Moment's later; Seamus arrives.

He's been to the pet shop too and
walks up to the edge of the cliff
carrying another cardboard box in
one hand and a shotgun in the other.

'Hi, George, watch dis,' Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and
lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the
edge of the cliff with the gun.

George watches as half way down,
Seamus takes the gun and shoots
the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down
and down until he hits the bottom
and breaks every bone in his body.

George shakes his head and says,
'And I'm never trying dat
parrotshooting either!'

IT IS NOT OVER YET...

George is just getting over the
shock of losing two friends when
Bren appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and
is carrying a cardboard box out of
which he pulls a chicken.

Bren then takes the chicken by its
legs and hurls himself off the cliff
and disappears down until he hits a
rock and breaks his spine.

Once more George shakes his head.
'Fook dat, lads. First dere was
Gerry with his budgie jumping,
den Seamus parrotshooting...
And now Bren and his
fook'n hengliding!'



- Pam -

Life is a highway...I'm gonna ride it & enjoy it!

ACTION: The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing. - Walt Disney


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ROSY_TIAMO's Photo ROSY_TIAMO Posts: 2,252
12/4/10 7:43 A

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According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should have known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

emoticon emoticon emoticon

"LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE"

If more people had a sense of humor, the world would be a better place!

We live in the land of the free, only because of the brave.

If you're not willing to stand behind our troops, please feel free to stand in front of them! "God Bless America, My Home Sweet Home".


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DEBBIE_J's Photo DEBBIE_J Posts: 966
12/3/10 11:08 P

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Wow, I'm off the SP wagon for a week and missed out on a lot of fun.

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STEPHIJ1's Photo STEPHIJ1 Posts: 27
12/2/10 1:05 P

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Oh, it will take a LOT more than that to scare me!

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12/1/10 6:48 P

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Come on Rosy...Stephi is new...don't want to scare her off...

- Pam -

Life is a highway...I'm gonna ride it & enjoy it!

ACTION: The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing. - Walt Disney


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12/1/10 6:35 P

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Si si' senorita! (Ha ha, how's my accent?)
emoticon

Ummm excuse me Pam, did I hear you say you had a SLIGHTLY skewed sense of humor?
emoticon

"LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE"

If more people had a sense of humor, the world would be a better place!

We live in the land of the free, only because of the brave.

If you're not willing to stand behind our troops, please feel free to stand in front of them! "God Bless America, My Home Sweet Home".


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12/1/10 5:19 P

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Two illegal Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, &there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees


Ees


Ees


Ees



Ees a ham bush...."




(SO SORRY....
The little voices made me do it !!! And I bet you tried to do the accent didn't you - I know you did!)

- Pam -

Life is a highway...I'm gonna ride it & enjoy it!

ACTION: The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing. - Walt Disney


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12/1/10 5:18 P

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Stehpi, I hear you on the 'full name'...when mom used first, middle & last...I knew that the next thing I heard was how long I was grounded!

- Pam -

Life is a highway...I'm gonna ride it & enjoy it!

ACTION: The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing. - Walt Disney


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STEPHIJ1's Photo STEPHIJ1 Posts: 27
12/1/10 1:27 P

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Yes Ma'am! Stephi'll work just fine! Technically it's Stephanie, but the only people who ever called me that were my parents. In that case it was usually followed by my middle and last name... emoticon

My contribution for the day:

Q:What do you call a leper in boiling water?

A:Soup Starter!

Yeah I'm a little twisted...

Edited by: STEPHIJ1 at: 12/1/2010 (16:17)
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11/30/10 6:40 P

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Hi new person, Stephij1 (Stephi?)

Glad you appreciate my slightly skewed sense of humour. We aim to please, here...

- Pam -

Life is a highway...I'm gonna ride it & enjoy it!

ACTION: The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing. - Walt Disney


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STEPHIJ1's Photo STEPHIJ1 Posts: 27
11/30/10 3:46 P

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Ok, I'm new here. I just have to say that the last one was epic, Pam! My coworkers are giving me weird looks because I randomly burst out laughing!

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ROSY_TIAMO's Photo ROSY_TIAMO Posts: 2,252
11/30/10 4:15 A

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Wow Pam, emoticon I didn't know that.

I'm truly amazed how much I can learn from you! emoticon

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

"LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE"

If more people had a sense of humor, the world would be a better place!

We live in the land of the free, only because of the brave.

If you're not willing to stand behind our troops, please feel free to stand in front of them! "God Bless America, My Home Sweet Home".


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11/29/10 12:15 P

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A Little Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floor boards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very sweet and cheerfully,
'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.
emoticon

- Pam -

Life is a highway...I'm gonna ride it & enjoy it!

ACTION: The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing. - Walt Disney


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11/29/10 12:14 P

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Too funny, Rosy!

- Pam -

Life is a highway...I'm gonna ride it & enjoy it!

ACTION: The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing. - Walt Disney


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ROSY_TIAMO's Photo ROSY_TIAMO Posts: 2,252
11/29/10 11:23 A

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Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'





"LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE"

If more people had a sense of humor, the world would be a better place!

We live in the land of the free, only because of the brave.

If you're not willing to stand behind our troops, please feel free to stand in front of them! "God Bless America, My Home Sweet Home".


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11/26/10 3:40 P

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SEX AT 72!

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox
informing me that I can have sex at 72!

I'm sooooo happy about this, because I live at number 67...and it won't be far to walk home afterwards!






- Pam -

Life is a highway...I'm gonna ride it & enjoy it!

ACTION: The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing. - Walt Disney


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ROSY_TIAMO's Photo ROSY_TIAMO Posts: 2,252
11/25/10 6:06 A

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Pam, I love that! Things that come out of the mouths of babes are dear to my heart. I'm taking that to read to my family at our Thanksgiving table. Thanks for sharing.
emoticon

"LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE"

If more people had a sense of humor, the world would be a better place!

We live in the land of the free, only because of the brave.

If you're not willing to stand behind our troops, please feel free to stand in front of them! "God Bless America, My Home Sweet Home".


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GRALLEN's Photo GRALLEN Posts: 20,043
11/24/10 8:19 P

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LOL

Gail

Quit stuffing your face and face your stuff.
Be yourself, everyone else is taken.
I think therefore I am dangerous.
Don't make excuses, make changes.

See my photos on Flickr.
www.flickr.com/photos/blackheart904/

DEBBIE_J's Photo DEBBIE_J Posts: 966
11/24/10 3:03 P

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Funny...

A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother covered her face in cold cream. "Why do you do that?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful."

When she began to rub it off, the boy asked, "Why are you doing that? Did you give up?"


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11/23/10 7:10 P

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Cute stuff:

GRANDPARENTS
HUMOUR STORIES ...




1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye....

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.






- Pam -

Life is a highway...I'm gonna ride it & enjoy it!

ACTION: The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing. - Walt Disney


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11/23/10 6:05 P

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emoticon LOL

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11/23/10 5:16 A

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An Italian, a Jew, and an Irishman are marooned on a desert island for five years. One day, while walking along the beach, one of them comes across an old bottle. He rubs it and out comes a genie, who is empowered to grant each of them their dearest wish:

"Ah," says the Italian, "let me go back to the Old Country, where the wine is sweet and the women are beautiful." BANG! He vanishes.

"For me," says the Jew, "I want to go to the Holy Land and live out the rest of my days with my people." BANG! He vanishes.

"Gee," says the Irishman, "it's so hard to choose what to ask for. I wish my two friends were back here to help me decide.".....BANG, BANG!!!!

"LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE"

If more people had a sense of humor, the world would be a better place!

We live in the land of the free, only because of the brave.

If you're not willing to stand behind our troops, please feel free to stand in front of them! "God Bless America, My Home Sweet Home".


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11/23/10 4:54 A

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The oldie, but goodie of Hollywood Squares is a hoot, it was way before it's time!
emoticon

"LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE"

If more people had a sense of humor, the world would be a better place!

We live in the land of the free, only because of the brave.

If you're not willing to stand behind our troops, please feel free to stand in front of them! "God Bless America, My Home Sweet Home".


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KAYGEEBEE12's Photo KAYGEEBEE12 SparkPoints: (15,642)
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11/22/10 11:02 P

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Pam -- the hell joke -- I love it !!!!!

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11/22/10 8:40 P

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Those are good.

Gail

Quit stuffing your face and face your stuff.
Be yourself, everyone else is taken.
I think therefore I am dangerous.
Don't make excuses, make changes.

See my photos on Flickr.
www.flickr.com/photos/blackheart904/

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11/22/10 7:23 P

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An oldie, but goodie!
****************************************
*******
These great questions and answers are from the days when 'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.


Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q.. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh



- Pam -

Life is a highway...I'm gonna ride it & enjoy it!

ACTION: The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing. - Walt Disney


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11/22/10 4:51 A

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Carol and Donna (both blondes, of course) were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?'

Carol explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'

Donna got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'


"LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE"

If more people had a sense of humor, the world would be a better place!

We live in the land of the free, only because of the brave.

If you're not willing to stand behind our troops, please feel free to stand in front of them! "God Bless America, My Home Sweet Home".


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GRALLEN's Photo GRALLEN Posts: 20,043
11/21/10 8:53 P

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I love that joke.

Gail

Quit stuffing your face and face your stuff.
Be yourself, everyone else is taken.
I think therefore I am dangerous.
Don't make excuses, make changes.

See my photos on Flickr.
www.flickr.com/photos/blackheart904/

PAMBWS's Photo PAMBWS SparkPoints: (142,614)
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11/21/10 7:00 P

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HELL EXPLAINED
BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT


The following is allegedly an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and allegedly an actual answer turned in by a student.
****************************************
***

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?


Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. There fore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'


- Pam -

Life is a highway...I'm gonna ride it & enjoy it!

ACTION: The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing. - Walt Disney


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ROSY_TIAMO's Photo ROSY_TIAMO Posts: 2,252
11/21/10 4:31 A

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"LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE"

If more people had a sense of humor, the world would be a better place!

We live in the land of the free, only because of the brave.

If you're not willing to stand behind our troops, please feel free to stand in front of them! "God Bless America, My Home Sweet Home".


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GRALLEN's Photo GRALLEN Posts: 20,043
11/20/10 11:02 P

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A small grocery store had just installed some new juice machines, and everybody who worked there was excited about who would be chosen to run them. One employee in particular, a grocery bagger, was determined to get the job. He went to the manager and made his case, telling his boss how excited he was about the new juicers, and how badly he wanted to be the one chosen to run them. His boss turned him down.

"But why?" protested the hapless young man.

"Son," replied his boss, "Everybody knows that baggers can't be juicers."



Gail

Quit stuffing your face and face your stuff.
Be yourself, everyone else is taken.
I think therefore I am dangerous.
Don't make excuses, make changes.

See my photos on Flickr.
www.flickr.com/photos/blackheart904/

DEBBIE_J's Photo DEBBIE_J Posts: 966
11/20/10 4:26 P

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ROSY_TIAMO's Photo ROSY_TIAMO Posts: 2,252
11/20/10 5:03 A

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Scientists have long been curious about why no penguin corpses are found on the ice pack. What happens to their bodies when they die?

The mystery has now been solved.

It turns out that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird and lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family, generally mates for life, and usually maintains contact with its offspring throughout its life.

When a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, members of the family and social circle dig a hole in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:


"Freeze a jolly good fellow"
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

Then they kick him in the ice hole.

"LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE"

If more people had a sense of humor, the world would be a better place!

We live in the land of the free, only because of the brave.

If you're not willing to stand behind our troops, please feel free to stand in front of them! "God Bless America, My Home Sweet Home".


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DEBBIE_J's Photo DEBBIE_J Posts: 966
11/19/10 8:48 P

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A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing Love stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'

But why? asks the man.

I'm a divorce lawyer, the man replies.

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DEBBIE_J's Photo DEBBIE_J Posts: 966
11/19/10 8:41 P

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Awesome and clever observation!

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PAMBWS's Photo PAMBWS SparkPoints: (142,614)
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11/19/10 3:02 P

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This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A -R -D-W-O -R -K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K -N -O -W-L -E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5
= 96%

But ,

A-T -T -I -T -U -D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B -U -L -L -S -H-I -T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far @ss kissing will take you.

A-S -S -K -I -S-S -I -N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7
= 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bull sh!t and A$s kissing that will put you over the top.


- Pam -

Life is a highway...I'm gonna ride it & enjoy it!

ACTION: The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing. - Walt Disney


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ROSY_TIAMO's Photo ROSY_TIAMO Posts: 2,252
11/19/10 6:56 A

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"LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE"

If more people had a sense of humor, the world would be a better place!

We live in the land of the free, only because of the brave.

If you're not willing to stand behind our troops, please feel free to stand in front of them! "God Bless America, My Home Sweet Home".


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