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POPEYETHETURTLE's Photo POPEYETHETURTLE SparkPoints: (218,041)
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10/8/11 2:01 P

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Ohh. Now that was a good double entendred riposte!

"A government big enough to give everything you want is also big enough to take everything you have."
-Ronald Reagan

Co-Founder, Dealing with Depression; www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_individual.asp?gid=953

Co-leader, Conservatives/Republicans sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_indiv
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SASSYJAY's Photo SASSYJAY SparkPoints: (41,458)
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10/8/11 2:37 A

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I guess you're right, Popeye. I'm always exaggerating.

~Maggie

Co-Leader of "Sarcastics Unlimited" www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=4459



POPEYETHETURTLE's Photo POPEYETHETURTLE SparkPoints: (218,041)
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10/7/11 9:16 P

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That wasn't a groaner - that was just an eye-roller.

"A government big enough to give everything you want is also big enough to take everything you have."
-Ronald Reagan

Co-Founder, Dealing with Depression; www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_individual.asp?gid=953

Co-leader, Conservatives/Republicans sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_indiv
idual.asp?gid=4683


Co-leader, Writers www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=50375


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SASSYJAY's Photo SASSYJAY SparkPoints: (41,458)
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10/7/11 8:48 P

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Okay...so not many of these are quick. And a few are groaners.

So I'll add a quick groaner to the thread and bring it to the top for y'all to enjoy some oldies...and some goodies...but not necessarily all in one package.

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide!

~Maggie

Co-Leader of "Sarcastics Unlimited" www.sparkpeople.com/myspark/groups_i
ndividual.asp?gid=4459



DEBBIE_J's Photo DEBBIE_J Posts: 966
11/10/10 9:37 P

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Thank 'ya!

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JUKEBOX2's Photo JUKEBOX2 Posts: 31,046
11/9/10 10:19 P

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Whats mine is yours... Enjoy!

Ray Brookwell - My Spark Name is Jukebox2

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In Order To Change Your Weighs you have to change your ways


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DEBBIE_J's Photo DEBBIE_J Posts: 966
11/9/10 3:25 P

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This blonde cop stops a blonde driver and asks for identification.

The blonde driver looks all around in her purse and can’t find her license. “I must have left it at home, officer.”

“Well, do you have any kind of identification on you?” asks the cop.

The blonde takes out a pocket mirror and says, “I do have this picture of me.”

“Let me see it,” says the cop. She holds up the mirror and looks in it. Then she says, “Sorry. If I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have stopped you.”

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DEBBIE_J's Photo DEBBIE_J Posts: 966
11/9/10 10:20 A

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LOL JUKEBOX2. That is so funny. I'll use that one if you don't mind.

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JUKEBOX2's Photo JUKEBOX2 Posts: 31,046
11/8/10 8:58 P

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I love the cats motto...

As for the Windows disc the tech finally figured out it was an (ID 10 T) error... just spell it out!

Ray Brookwell - My Spark Name is Jukebox2

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DEBBIE_J's Photo DEBBIE_J Posts: 966
11/8/10 1:19 P

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Finally got around to reading this thread. I love the one:


"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it."
-- Anonymous

LOL, LOL, LOL - sounds like our politicians in Washington.

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JUKEBOX2's Photo JUKEBOX2 Posts: 31,046
8/31/10 2:01 P

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Windows Problem

An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.

Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer." Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide.

Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"

Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized."

Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"

Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?'"

Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"

Customer: "After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"
________________________________________
___



Cat Quotes

"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats."
- Dave Platt

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow."
- Jeff Valdez

"There is no snooze button for a cat that wants breakfast."
-Anonymous

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods.
Cats have never forgotten this." - Anonymous

"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."
- English proverb

"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."
- Ellen Perry Berkeley

"One cat just leads to another."
- Ernest Hemingway

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later."
- Mary Bly

"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia."
- Joseph Wood Krutch

"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life."
- Faith Resnick

"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior."
- Hippolyte Taine

"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats."
- Anonymous

"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats."
- Albert Schweitzer

The cat has too much spirit to have no heart."
- Ernest Menaul

"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me."
- Anonymous

"Time spent with cats is never wasted."
- Colette

"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well."
- Missy Dizick

"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats."
- Colonial American proverb

"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want."
- Joseph Wood Krutch

"Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit."
- John S. Nichols

"The smallest feline is a masterpiece."
-- Leonardo Da Vinci

"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it."
-- Anonymous

"Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
-- Robert A. Heinlein



Ray Brookwell - My Spark Name is Jukebox2

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Why Settle for Good When Better is Available and Best IS Achieveable!

In Order To Change Your Weighs you have to change your ways


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GRALLEN's Photo GRALLEN Posts: 20,068
8/29/10 8:58 P

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Rosy emoticon

Gail

Quit stuffing your face and face your stuff.
Be yourself, everyone else is taken.
I think therefore I am dangerous.
Don't make excuses, make changes.

See my photos on Flickr.
www.flickr.com/photos/blackheart904/

JUKEBOX2's Photo JUKEBOX2 Posts: 31,046
8/29/10 5:15 P

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emoticon emoticon

Ray Brookwell - My Spark Name is Jukebox2

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Why Settle for Good When Better is Available and Best IS Achieveable!

In Order To Change Your Weighs you have to change your ways


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ROSY_TIAMO's Photo ROSY_TIAMO Posts: 2,252
8/29/10 4:27 P

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A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.

When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign.

The man thought that was great.

A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly.

The bartender looked over and signed "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and threw the group out of the bar.

The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, "If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!"

emoticon

"LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE"

If more people had a sense of humor, the world would be a better place!

We live in the land of the free, only because of the brave.

If you're not willing to stand behind our troops, please feel free to stand in front of them! "God Bless America, My Home Sweet Home".


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TIME4COFFEE's Photo TIME4COFFEE Posts: 13,245
8/28/10 9:05 P

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Ah yes, out of the mouth of babes.
emoticon

~*~Sally~*~
JUKEBOX2's Photo JUKEBOX2 Posts: 31,046
8/28/10 8:17 P

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I Am A Father

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and said, "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has four boys, four girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly... but on leaving the bus, he leaned over and said, "Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."




Ray Brookwell - My Spark Name is Jukebox2

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JUKEBOX2's Photo JUKEBOX2 Posts: 31,046
8/28/10 5:08 P

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These are all hilarious! emoticon

Ray Brookwell - My Spark Name is Jukebox2

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TIME4COFFEE's Photo TIME4COFFEE Posts: 13,245
8/28/10 1:35 P

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Ways to tell someone their fly is open

20. The cucumber has left the salad.
19. I can see the gun of Navarone.
18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17. You've got Windows on your laptop.
16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
1. I thought you were crazy, now I can clearly see your nuts.


~*~Sally~*~
DIAMONDST's Photo DIAMONDST SparkPoints: (0)
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8/28/10 7:17 A

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Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.


I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.


The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why.. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like trying to castrate them young bulls at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once... He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6' 6" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Heidi Anne

TOGETHER TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
DIAMONDST's Photo DIAMONDST SparkPoints: (0)
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8/28/10 7:08 A

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A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

TOGETHER TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
DIAMONDST's Photo DIAMONDST SparkPoints: (0)
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8/28/10 6:58 A

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A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with a fever.
She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.
She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened.The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said,"You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door." The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car.. She looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her help. Within five minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up, with a dirty,greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.
The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful. The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her..Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?" He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much!You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud,"Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!!!" Is - GOD GOOD - or what!!!???

TOGETHER TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
DIAMONDST's Photo DIAMONDST SparkPoints: (0)
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8/28/10 6:21 A

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A farm boy accidentally overturned a wagon of corn on the road. A nearby farmer saw the accident and went over to have a look and found the boy trying to right the tipped wagon.

"Hey Willie," the farmer said. "Forget your troubles for a spell its late, come have dinner with us. I'll help you with that wagon after we eat."

"That's mighty nice of you, but Pa won't like that," Willie replied.

"Aw, come on son. Take a break," the farmer insisted.

"Well, okay," the boy finally agreed. "But Pa won't like it."

After a hearty meal, Willie thanked the farmer. "I feel a lot better now, but I just know that Pa will be upset."

"Nonsense," the farmer said. "Where is your pa anyway?"

"Under the wagon."


TOGETHER TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
DIAMONDST's Photo DIAMONDST SparkPoints: (0)
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8/28/10 6:20 A

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A Polish man moved to England and married an English girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds? Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean. What are your relations like? All my relations still in Poland.
Is there any infidelity in your marriage? We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up? No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger? No, she white.
In exasperation the lawyer asks : Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me. What makes you think that? I got proof. What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at chemist shop and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover."

TOGETHER TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
JUKEBOX2's Photo JUKEBOX2 Posts: 31,046
8/27/10 11:02 P

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I love it... LOL

Ray Brookwell - My Spark Name is Jukebox2

Commit To Fit


Why Settle for Good When Better is Available and Best IS Achieveable!

In Order To Change Your Weighs you have to change your ways


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DIAMONDST's Photo DIAMONDST SparkPoints: (0)
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8/27/10 10:19 P

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WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE

Several years before the Afghan conflict, Barbara Walters, co-host of
20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that--in spite of the
overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime--women still walk behind
their husbands, and appear happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked: 'Why do
you now seem to prefer an old custom that you once tried so
desperately to change?'

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without
hesitation said: 'Land Mines.'

Moral of the story: No matter what language you speak or where you go

BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN

TOGETHER TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
JUKEBOX2's Photo JUKEBOX2 Posts: 31,046
8/25/10 11:09 P

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Rays Trivia Time!

Q1: Some months have 30 days, others have 31 days. How many months have 28 days?


Q2: Before Mount Everest was discovered, which was the highest mountain on our planet?


Q3: Which is correct: 137 plus 191 is 338. Or 137 plus 191 are 338?


Q4: What did the girl watch say to the boy watch?


Q5: Unscramble this: kgrewboctktao…





ANSWERS

Q1 All Months have 28 days

Q2 Mount Everest Itself

Q3 They both are wrong... 137 plus 191 equals 328

Q4 Keep your hands off of me!

Q5 Get Back To Work!

Q6 Bonus Question: Did I make you smile?

Ray Brookwell - My Spark Name is Jukebox2

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Why Settle for Good When Better is Available and Best IS Achieveable!

In Order To Change Your Weighs you have to change your ways


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JUKEBOX2's Photo JUKEBOX2 Posts: 31,046
8/24/10 3:24 P

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Fireman

Felix, my husband, was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out."

The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes.

"You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment. "People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?"

"Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'"
_______________________________________

The Miracle Toddler Diet

People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat of their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet.

Over the years you may have noticed that most two year olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck !!!

DAY ONE

Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.

Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi.

Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO

Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch: Eat a half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.

Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.

DAY THREE

Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair.

Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.

FINAL DAY

Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.

Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.
________________________________________
____


Butcher Shop

A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher's counter. The lady asks, "What in the world is that?"

"Beef tongue," replies the butcher!

The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, "No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal's mouth!"

The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the woman's shopping cart, "I see you're buying a dozen eggs!"
________________________________________
___

To Do List

When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work.

I promptly added: "Send Michelle money every month."

A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on car for Jason."

Then my boyfriend joined in with: "Buy Tom a Jeep."

Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: "Wean kids."

Ray Brookwell - My Spark Name is Jukebox2

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Why Settle for Good When Better is Available and Best IS Achieveable!

In Order To Change Your Weighs you have to change your ways


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JUKEBOX2's Photo JUKEBOX2 Posts: 31,046
8/24/10 12:34 A

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Live-In Maid

A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the housework. They hired a lovely lass for the job.

She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat. One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit.

"But why?" asked the disappointed wife.

She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said, "Well on my day off a couple of months ago I met this good-looking fellow from over in the next county, and well, I'm pregnant."

The wife said, "Look, we don't want to lose you. My husband and I don't have children, and we'll adopt your baby if you will stay."

She talked to her husband; he agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well.

After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual.

In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the third baby. She worked for a week or two, but then said, "I am definitely leaving this time."

"Don't tell me you're pregnant again?" asked the lady of the house.

"No," she said, "there are just too many kids here to pick up after."




Ray Brookwell - My Spark Name is Jukebox2

Commit To Fit


Why Settle for Good When Better is Available and Best IS Achieveable!

In Order To Change Your Weighs you have to change your ways


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A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant..


She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.

Then, the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room. "What the heck's wrong with you?" He demanded. "This woman is 68 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren , and you told her she was pregnant???!!!"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said:..."Does she still have the hiccups?


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Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. They bought five 1Dollar tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.

Tom won the first prize - a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce. Dick was the winner of the second prize - six month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti. And Harry won the sixth prize - a toilet brush.

When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.

"Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti."

"So do I," said Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?"

"Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to useing paper...

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My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke


For when I'm 'here' I'm wondering
If I really should be 'there'
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,
Say 'what am I here for?'
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say 'Hi' and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, 'who the hell was that?

Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.

CAN YOU RELATE???

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8/23/10 10:37 P

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A tramp goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."

The tramp says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"

The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque."

"Deal!" says the tramp and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The tramp downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

"Money or another miracle else no drink", says the bartender. The tramp reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the tramp and offers him $300 for the frog.

The tramp says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the tramp "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."

"Not so", says the tramp, "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."

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8/23/10 10:36 P

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Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there

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GRALLEN's Photo GRALLEN Posts: 20,068
8/19/10 9:59 P

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Diamond, those are good.

Gail

Quit stuffing your face and face your stuff.
Be yourself, everyone else is taken.
I think therefore I am dangerous.
Don't make excuses, make changes.

See my photos on Flickr.
www.flickr.com/photos/blackheart904/

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8/19/10 8:02 P

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THE FAMILY TREE OF VINCENT VAN GOGH


His dizzy aunt ------------ --------- --------- --------- Verti Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store -- Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ------------ ------- U Gogh
His magician uncle ------------ --------- ------ Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ------------ --------- --------- ----A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother -------- Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach ----------- Wells-far Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt ------------ --------- ----- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle ------------ --------- --------- -- Flamin Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin ------------ --------- ---------- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking -------------- Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ------------ --------- ------ Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco ------------ --------- -------- Go Gogh
And niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh


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8/19/10 7:52 P

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Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven Sir

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven!

Teacher: Where do you get seven from?

Johnny: Because I have 1 at home!



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8/19/10 7:49 P

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A man came back to the dealer from whom he bought a new car.
"I believe you gave me a guarantee with my car," he said. "That’s right, sir," the salesman answered. "We will replace anything that breaks."
"Fine, I need a new garage door."



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8/19/10 7:46 P

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*A Desert Love Story*

Once upon a time there was a very handsome male camel with two huge camel humps.

He fell in love and married a beautiful female camel who had one perfect camel hump.

As time progressed, they became the proud parents of a wonderful baby camel who had no humps.

They contemplated long and hard on what to call their beautiful little one.

Naturally, they decided on...

*Humphrey*

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8/19/10 7:43 P

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On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your

belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's

something we'd like to have."



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GRALLEN's Photo GRALLEN Posts: 20,068
8/18/10 9:28 P

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Those are good Jukebox, thanks!

Gail

Quit stuffing your face and face your stuff.
Be yourself, everyone else is taken.
I think therefore I am dangerous.
Don't make excuses, make changes.

See my photos on Flickr.
www.flickr.com/photos/blackheart904/

TIME4COFFEE's Photo TIME4COFFEE Posts: 13,245
8/18/10 3:25 P

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emoticon emoticon

~*~Sally~*~
ROSY_TIAMO's Photo ROSY_TIAMO Posts: 2,252
8/18/10 9:47 A

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Good ones, Ray emoticon

"LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE"

If more people had a sense of humor, the world would be a better place!

We live in the land of the free, only because of the brave.

If you're not willing to stand behind our troops, please feel free to stand in front of them! "God Bless America, My Home Sweet Home".


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8/18/10 9:36 A

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Quick Funnies

After delivering a lecture on drawing, I gave my art class its assignment--complete a self-portrait. A young man in the front row raised his hand and asked, "Of anyone?"

~ ~ ~

One columnist from The Des Moines Register is a big proponent of the 401(k) program. "Think of it as a forced habit that will pay off in the long run," he said, "like changing your oil between meals or flossing every 3,000 miles."

~ ~ ~

"My car has this feature I guess is standard, because it was on my last car, too. It has a rotating gas tank. No matter what side of the pump I pull up to, it's on the other side."

~ Rita Rudner ~


Learning Numbers

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.

"Yes," he said, "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three?"

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a fine job. What comes after ten?"

"A jack!"


Tail Light

"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist. The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car and gave a long, painful groan.

He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.

"Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."

"It isn't?" cried the motorist.

"Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"


Cruise Control

My family has a tradition of naming the cruise control on our cars. We were used to hearing my father proclaim, "Take it, Max," as he flipped on the cruise control during long trips in our station wagon.

Recently, I was travelling with my parents in their new car when we hit a wide-open expanse of highway. My dad leaned back and said, "I think I'll let Tom drive for a while."

"Tom who?" I asked.

My mother translated for me: "Tom Cruise, of course."



Ray Brookwell - My Spark Name is Jukebox2

Commit To Fit


Why Settle for Good When Better is Available and Best IS Achieveable!

In Order To Change Your Weighs you have to change your ways


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ROSY_TIAMO's Photo ROSY_TIAMO Posts: 2,252
8/14/10 6:07 A

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To all my sarcastic, ironic, satirical friends,

Seeing as I am probably the eldest and the most mature member of this team, I would like to appeal only to those of you who have any sense of sensibility. We all know it was my joke about illegals that brought the troll out of the cellar, and got our thread removed, but anyway, "Irony is wasted on the stupid"....Oscar Wilde.

And now the main purpose of this message is to let you know that I have been diagnosed with"CRS", and I am totally confused because we now have 3 threads going: the one that isn't there anymore (THREAD REMOVED), the one where we can only have 2 quickies at a time (COUPLE OF QUICK JOKES), and the one I started because I couldn't find the other two (ONLY FOR FUN-Politically Incorrect Humor or Humour).

I'm posting this message on all 3 threads, and hoping maybe we can all get together on only one of them, and ignore the other 2. This would make my life so much easier because with CRS I keep forgetting what I'm doing or where I've been. Maybe we should leave it up to the team leaders to make a decision because I keep forgetting what I'm doing or where I've been.


Edited by: ROSY_TIAMO at: 8/14/2010 (06:16)
"LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE"

If more people had a sense of humor, the world would be a better place!

We live in the land of the free, only because of the brave.

If you're not willing to stand behind our troops, please feel free to stand in front of them! "God Bless America, My Home Sweet Home".


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TIME4COFFEE's Photo TIME4COFFEE Posts: 13,245
8/13/10 11:02 P

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Pam, after that tale, I think I must be one of your more normal friends. I don't know whether to be sad or relieved.


~*~Sally~*~
PAMBWS's Photo PAMBWS SparkPoints: (148,546)
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8/13/10 7:57 P

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Gail...true story...& I am one of those rare women who does not enjoy shopping - my sister got all the shopping genes in our family!
________________________________________
_______

I have some unpredictable friends (it's okay, I fit in - no comments from the peanut gallery required).

One day I was acting as the designated driver for a couple of male friends who had been imbibing. One, an American, decided he wanted to go to the local mall & buy a 'toque' while in Canada ('toque' is simply Canadian for ski cap).

These 2 guys who both look like large, biker types & both ride - were actually off-duty leos. I know them well & don't trust either of them in public when they've had a couple drinks...but they're bigger than me & so I took them to the local mall shopping.

We found a toque & I tried to hurry them out of the mall before they could get into trouble. No luck...they spotted a knife store. The clerk who had the bad luck to serve them was a cute, young thing whom they immediately targeted for one of their pranks...body language tells lots.

Anyway, in the interest of sanity - & safety - I stood behind them & when they asked to have certain knives removed from the display cases, I caught the clerk's eye & shook my head 'no' rather forcefully. She, being reasonably bright, explained to them that they weren't allowed to touch.

The larger of the two men, drew himself up to his full 6'3" & said "What!?!" The clerk pointed at me & indicated that "she had said "No"."

Anyway...against my better judgement, I relented & said they could look at one knife at a time (I knew if they were each allowed one, they would stage a sword fight).

Well...even that didn't stop them...they decided to pick out a rather large knife & re-enact that scene from Crocodile Dundee..."you call that a knife, this is a knife"

Unbeknown to all of us, the store supervisor arrived on scene, witnessed the Crocodile Dundee act & called for mall security...

As I finally got the guys out of the store...mall security (a couple of not-very-big guys) could be seen hurrying down the mall...then saw my large friends...& turned around & left!
emoticon

- Pam -

Life is a highway...I'm gonna ride it & enjoy it!

ACTION: The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing. - Walt Disney


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TIME4COFFEE's Photo TIME4COFFEE Posts: 13,245
8/13/10 10:51 A

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LOVED the shopping one!

What do you have if you've got
Bill Clinton, Al Gore and Dolly Parton in the same room?
Two Boobs and a country singer


~*~Sally~*~
GRALLEN's Photo GRALLEN Posts: 20,068
8/12/10 10:51 P

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WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Naragon,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While in the sporting good section handling knives, and spear fishing equipment, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'


And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.


Gail

Quit stuffing your face and face your stuff.
Be yourself, everyone else is taken.
I think therefore I am dangerous.
Don't make excuses, make changes.

See my photos on Flickr.
www.flickr.com/photos/blackheart904/

GRALLEN's Photo GRALLEN Posts: 20,068
8/12/10 10:49 P

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UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.



Gail

Quit stuffing your face and face your stuff.
Be yourself, everyone else is taken.
I think therefore I am dangerous.
Don't make excuses, make changes.

See my photos on Flickr.
www.flickr.com/photos/blackheart904/

GRALLEN's Photo GRALLEN Posts: 20,068
8/12/10 10:32 P

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LOLOLOLOLOLOLO Rosy I love em!!!!!!

Gail

Quit stuffing your face and face your stuff.
Be yourself, everyone else is taken.
I think therefore I am dangerous.
Don't make excuses, make changes.

See my photos on Flickr.
www.flickr.com/photos/blackheart904/

ROSY_TIAMO's Photo ROSY_TIAMO Posts: 2,252
8/12/10 7:42 P

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I'm kinda wondering where to post here or on the thread that isn't there anymore??? I don't need to be confused any more than I already am so I'll just put it here....my contribution for today, and then I'm getting in my jammies, and I don't want to be bothered.

TRUE STORY:

The other day I needed to go to the emergency room. Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my GREEN HAT. When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.

My hat is a dark green baseball cap with big yellow print that reads: U.S. BORDER PATROL Try it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service. It also works at DMV. It saved me 5 hours
at the Laundromat, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.

Don't try it at McDonald's though. The whole crew got up and left and l never got my order!

Okay, I lied, here's one more, I can't resist this one:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND......

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Good Night!













Edited by: ROSY_TIAMO at: 8/12/2010 (19:50)
"LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE"

If more people had a sense of humor, the world would be a better place!

We live in the land of the free, only because of the brave.

If you're not willing to stand behind our troops, please feel free to stand in front of them! "God Bless America, My Home Sweet Home".


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TIME4COFFEE's Photo TIME4COFFEE Posts: 13,245
8/12/10 4:34 P

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I read these to our house guest and I don't know who laughed more, her or me!
*#*#*#*#*#*#*
Did you know that Bill Gates bought the rights to Viagra?
He renamed it MICROHARD.


~*~Sally~*~
PAMBWS's Photo PAMBWS SparkPoints: (148,546)
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8/12/10 4:23 P

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Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........

////////////////////////////////////////
/////////////
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Looking back over the years
that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...
'What the hell was I thinking?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.

After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.

-------------------------------------- ---------------

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

////////////////////////////////////////
///////////////

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

########################################
############

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

****************************************
***************

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise...

////////////////////////////////////////
///////////////

We have been friends for a very long time .

let's say we stop?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
++++++

I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.

========================================
======

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
)))))))))))))))

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay


- Pam -

Life is a highway...I'm gonna ride it & enjoy it!

ACTION: The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing. - Walt Disney


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TIME4COFFEE's Photo TIME4COFFEE Posts: 13,245
8/12/10 2:18 A

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Aussie, you don't need to be joky --- you're funny all on your own.

I laugh with you, not at you.

(Riiiight!)
emoticon

~*~Sally~*~
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8/12/10 2:04 A

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oh thanks to all. Hm..I am not very joky, but i know where to come if I get one.

~~Aussie~~


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TIME4COFFEE's Photo TIME4COFFEE Posts: 13,245
8/12/10 12:23 A

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Playboy is coming out with a new magazine for men who are married...
Every month the centerfold is the same woman.
emoticon

~*~Sally~*~
GRALLEN's Photo GRALLEN Posts: 20,068
8/11/10 9:18 P

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LOL Pam!

Gail

Quit stuffing your face and face your stuff.
Be yourself, everyone else is taken.
I think therefore I am dangerous.
Don't make excuses, make changes.

See my photos on Flickr.
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PAMBWS's Photo PAMBWS SparkPoints: (148,546)
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8/11/10 9:05 P

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WooHoo Evil!!!

My contribution:

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn he was in, she poured him out onto the patio table. Then tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.

'Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!'

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said. 'Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!'

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said 'Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!'

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said. 'Herman, remember that blow job l promised you? Here it comes...'


- Pam -

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POPEYETHETURTLE's Photo POPEYETHETURTLE SparkPoints: (218,041)
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8/11/10 8:58 P

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Thank you.

Both are funny, but the second is only partially true. "From birth to puberty, boys are ruled by their mothers. From puberty on, they are controlled by nuts and ruled by the women who control the nuts."

"A government big enough to give everything you want is also big enough to take everything you have."
-Ronald Reagan

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GRALLEN's Photo GRALLEN Posts: 20,068
8/11/10 8:25 P

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*sigh* Ah, it's so good to have jokes back again.

These are good.

Gail

Quit stuffing your face and face your stuff.
Be yourself, everyone else is taken.
I think therefore I am dangerous.
Don't make excuses, make changes.

See my photos on Flickr.
www.flickr.com/photos/blackheart904/

SMOOCHIEFACE's Photo SMOOCHIEFACE Posts: 871
8/11/10 5:40 P

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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, “I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. “Tom was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain.” We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. “Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, “I’m Tom Smith.” The entire congregation held its breath. “I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.”

________________________________________
__________

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn’t make the same mistakes twice, & takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet .. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts.




"After all the trouble you go to, you get about as much actual "food" out of eating an artichoke as you would from licking 30 or 40 postage stamps."
~Miss Piggy~


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